Black Dynamite (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Seed of Kurtis AKA Father Is Just Another Word for Motherf*cker - full transcript

Previously on
"Black Dynamite"...

Aah! Sueeey!

You know and I know that
That Frog Kurtis is a...

Jive-ass motherfucker!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Wait, Black Dynamite,

I'm part of every lesson
you ever learned.

I got you... I got you out
of peeing in the bed.

Your daddy wasn't there for
that, Black Dynamite.

Your daddy wasn't there
for that, Black Dynamite.

Okay?



[ Tone sounds ]

Black Dynamite, thank you for
coming on the puppet show

as my special guest
and best friend.

And you kids can forget
about everything

That Frog Kurtis...

[ crying ]

Ribbit, motherfucker!
Ribbit!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

♪ He's dynamite ♪

♪ So dynamite ♪

♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪

♪ Ooohhh ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ He's dynamite ♪



♪ Dy-no, dy-no ♪

♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪

♪ Oooohhhh ♪

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪

This week...

ALL:
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray, for whores ♪

♪ That little pussy
can open up doors ♪

♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray,
for whores ♪

That brings back good
and bad memories,

but memories nonetheless.

These orphans are
so excited about

going disco skating
with you, Black Dynamite,

that they little asses
slept with their skates on.

These orphans have spent
their whole lives being orphans.

Sometimes they need a break.

And there's nothing
like some good disco skating

to take the misery out
of being an orphan.

Lord knows I can use a break,
and I got a mama.

It's hard being a grown-ass pimp
living with your mama.

Oh yeah, I forgot to go potty
before we left.

Cream Corn, hold your horses
and your wee-wee, please.

[ Tires screech ]

Looks like the traffic done
jammed and squeezed

with Tasty Freeze.
- TASTY FREEZE: Black Dynamite!

You kids sit tight.

Don't worry, this traffic
jamming's not gonna

interrupt our disco jamming.

♪ ALL: Hooray, hooray, hooray,
for whores ♪

Man, I'm glad to see you,
Black Dynamite!

Some preaching-ass fool
is having church

right in the middle
of all my pussy.

I can't make no money.
- My camel toe need water.

Reverend Daddy Dynamite?

My long-estranged
daddy's name was

"Reverend Daddy Dynamite,"
and he was a reverend.

♪ Get along, everybody,
cooperation is the key ♪

DADDY DYNAMITE:
Now, I could lie to you and say

I'm just going out
for a pack a cigarettes,

but the truth is,
I'm leaving you

to raise 8-year-old
Black Dynamite by yourself.

Now dig it while you can,

because the light just turned
motherfuckin' green.

Bye, bitch.

I never thought
I'd see the day when I'd get

to meet my daddy face-to-face
as Grown Dynamite.

This total coincidence might
just give Black Dynamite

a sense of wholeness that
has eluded him

for most of his childhood life.

I'm just saying.

REVEREND:
Wait, please, don't leave.

I... I was just about to send

the collection plate
around again.

- Daddy Dynamite?
- I know, I know.

Here's your tithes back.

No, Daddy, it's me,
your son, Black Dynamite.

Son, a lot of people have
that n...

Boy, I can't believe it.

You got the same mustache
you had

when you was 8 years old.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

BLACK DYNAMITE: You know,
I never forgave Mama for running you away.

'Til this day I have yet to put
a flower on her grave.

Well, actually, son, I just
did a little cool spin

and walked the fuck out
on my own.

Oh, well, I guess who left who
don't matter no more.

But what brought you back here
after all these years, anyway?

I read in the classifieds

that there was great
preaching opportunities

in the Black community.

So I came here to spread
the word.

But I don't know, son.

God's words don't seem to pay
like they used to.

Well, you can't give up, Daddy.

You're the only preacher I know
that tells it like it is.

I mean, you could have lied
to my mama you was

going out for a pack of
cigarettes, but you didn't.

Yeah, well, son, those were
the good old days.

Been nice chatting with you,

but Daddy Dynamite shall
be going.

Maybe I'll see you
in another 25 years, son.

But Daddy, we just reunited,
and it feels so good.

Why don't you just stay around
for a while?

Maybe I could help you out.
- Well, if you insist.

Uh, I didn't.

I mean, all I just need is a place
to freeload for a while.

You know, somewhere I can
shit, shower, and shave,

and pay nothing,

just until I get
my congregation up.

Well, we got plenty of toilets
to shit in

and enough whores to shower
and shave you for a lifetime.

You can stay
at the Whorephanage.

- HONEY BEE: Whorpha-who?
- That would be perfect, son.

It will also give us
a opportunity to catch up,

do some of that
father-and-son shit

you always dreamed about.

Honey Bee, call the whores
at the Whorephanage

and tell them to pick up
about 3,000 razors and enough

shaving cream to keep my daddy
in my life for good.

HONEY BEE:
But Black Dynamite...

This is gonna be like living
at home together again,

just like when I was 8.

But this time, I'm a grown man

with whores and orphans
and a bunch of other shit,

but you... you get
the picture, Daddy.

Now, this won't mean a damn
thing to me

until I get to know you
a little bit better,

Black Dynamite.

Maybe even then it still won't.

But in the meanwhile,
give your daddy a hug, son.

Now, I hate to bring down this
whole room with a frown,

but I just remembered
we left a whole load of orphans

on wheels in a bus downtown.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

[ crying ]
Black Dynamite, you ain't shit!

[ Upbeat music playing ]

Come on, son!
Come on!

DADDY DYNAMITE: You know this
father son shit ain't that bad.

Dynamite, dynamite.

[ Both laugh ]

Mm, you looking
mighty sharp, Black Dynamite.

Hadn't seen you in a while.

Well, at least not
without your daddy.

Honey Bee, I know this has been
a big transition for y'all,

but a daddy is what I've been
missing my whole life.

Well, yeah, well you just gotta
be careful, Black Dynamite.

Remember, he didn't come back
here for you.

And by the way, you know
you missed

little orphan Willis'
birthday party yesterday.

Not little orphan Willis'
birthday!

[ Echoing ]
Nooooooooooooo!

- How was it?
- It was good.

But he missed you.
They all did.

I don't know if you
realize this,

but you're a daddy too,
Black Dynamite.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man
whose life I walked out of

when he was an 8-year-old
children.

The one that has not only
provided us

with a place
for whores and orphans,

but also for the word of God.

Give it up for my most beloved
son, Black Dynamite!

Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?

ALL:
Dynamite, Dynamite.

You know, when I look around
this room,

I see nothing but players,
pushers, pimps, and pros.

That's right.
That's what we are.

Preach, Daddy Dynamite, preach.

Now, God's just got one thing
for me to lay on you cats

and one thing only.

Daddy Dynamite
and Black Dynamite are

declaring holy war on anybody
hustling, pushing,

pimping, or selling hoes
in this community.

But... but Daddy Dynamite...
Slick Berg Ice, Master Fly,

Pimp Slick Micky, Black Zeus,
and myself,

we all sell hoes
to the community.

I know you're selling hoes.

But the problem is you're not
giving the proceeds to God.

Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?

Dynamite... Wait, what?

And hoes, hah,

stop dragging your funky, ha

moose knuckles
up and down the street, ha

every night, ha,

only to give all your money away

to these pimps of sin, ha ha ha!

And if you're gonna sell
your pussy, ha ha,

sell that pussy for God.

If you're gonna pimp
that pussy, ha,

pimp that pussy, ha

for the lord!

You think that pussy belongs
to you, ha!

That is God's pussy

He created it, didn't he?

Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?

Whoo! Dynamite.

So I say to you all!

Bitch, ha...
Bitch, ha-ha...

Bitch, ha-ha,
y'all better have...

y'all better have, aha..

Go-o-o-o-od's money!

Can I get a "dynamite"?
- [ all cheer ]

What the hell is going on?

Why you doing this,
Daddy Dynamite? Why?

Why? Why?

[ Organ plays ]

Listen and learn,
Black Dynamite,

because that God
who art in heaven

is a straight-up pimp.
Dynamite, Dynamite!

That's right. Bring your money
to me... Daddy D.

The only way to heaven is
through my pockets, baby.

Dynamite, Dynamite.

Now everybody gimme that
money-y-y-y!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oooooh!
Take this pussy now, lord,

and fill it with your
holy spirit.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

[ thunder crashes ]

Y-Your life meant
everything to me, dad.

A-A-A-A-nd I'm gonna pick up
where you left off.

But there's just one thing
I got to do first.

And that's teach
B-B-B-B-Black Dynamite

that puppet blood ain't cheap.

Ribbit, motherfucker!
Ribbit!

Ribbit, motherfucker. Ribbit!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

[ door latch clicks ]

DADDY DYNAMITE:
There he is, my son.

Look here, Black Dynamite...
Dynamite!

I'm thinking about moving
them whorephans/orphans,

or whatever you call them
to the basement

and turning their bedroom into
a gambling den for the lord.

What do you say, son?

Look here, Daddy,
I'm not gonna stand here

and let you take advantage
of my community's sins.

Now enough is enough.
- Hold on a second, son.

Will you hoes please excuse us?

Ooh, praise God.

Uh, yeah, your daddy was just
giving them some anointing.

Cut the bullshit, Daddy.
You're robbing the people.

Now, Black Dynamite don't believe
in fuckin' up his own daddy,

but I'm about to anoint my foot
in your ass, can you dig it?

What the devil has gotten
into you, boy?

I don't know who's been
raising you,

but it damn sure ain't been me.

Now you will show me
and the lord some respect.

Son, I might be making
a dishonest living,

but at least
I'm doing it honestly.

Now, when these motherfuckers
stop giving me

all their money and pussy,
I'll stop taking it.

Now, you're the one
who wanted me to stay.

That's because I wanted you
back in my life, Daddy.

But I guess nostalgia
ain't what it used to be.

You don't know
what it's like to grow up

with nobody to teach you
how not to pee in the bed

or how to make green
from yellow and blue.

Is that how they make it?

Well shit, I couldn't have
taught you that anyway.

- That's not the point.
- Look, all I hear from you...

is what you didn't have

'cause your daddy
wasn't there to raise you.

What about how dynamite
you turned out

because I didn't raise you?

I think it's
time for you to go, Daddy.

- I beg your pardon?
- You heard me! I said scram.

Split the scene, my daddy.

Your daddy walking out on you
made you the man you are today,

and this is the thanks I get.

Now, I could lie to you
and say...

Daddy!

Bye, bitch.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

Excuse me,
B-Brother Daddy Dynamite.

Daddy Dynamite is no brethren
to no puppets.

Now, who the hell are you?

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis,

son of the late
That Frog Kurtis.

And I must say that I was
truly touched

by your message the other night.

Su-su-su-su-such a powerful
word, my brother.

- You really think so?
- Oh, yes.

You see, brother,
I'm a minister, too.

I run a very successful temple
spreading

bean pies and incense all over
Pu-pu-pu-puppet Street.

So I can respect a man that's
out there getting God's money.

Yeah, well, I thought that
was the way to go, too.

But apparently I can't even make
a believer out of my own son.

You and I have a lot in common,
Brother Daddy Dynamite.

We should go for a ride.

You see, people are like diapers.
They're like diapers, yes.

Hard to change
and fu-full of shit.

Bu-Bu-Bu-But puppets,
on the other hand,

are full of cotton.

Once your hand goes up they ass,

you can make them
believe anything.

I-I-I-I believe puppets need
a master,

a-a-a-a somebody to control
the strings of their lives.

And if that don't float
the shit in your toilet,

they got a whole lot of money,

Br-Br-Br-Brother Daddy Dynamite.

Well, Brother
That Bastard Kurtis,

if you possess so much
profound insight,

why don't you reach
these puppets

and get their money yourself?

Do you hear this fuckin'
st-stutter?

Nobody will listen to a-a-a-a
stuttering frog puppet,

Daddy Dynamite.

But you got that gift
and that gab,

just like my daddy had.

Now, I got a st-st-studio

where my daddy used to shoot
his puppet shows at.

I want to bring it back
so we can do

the first human puppet show
ever on TV.

With your message and my show,

you can be the biggest
TV puppet evangelist

in the w-w-w-world!

Brother Reverend Daddy Dynamite

and Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis.

Sounds like a match made
in heaven, right here on Earth.

[ laughs ]
Like Martin and Malcolm.

Now, what do you say
we start promoting

our new show, D-D-D-Daddy?

You don't mind if I call you
"D-D-D-D-D-Daddy," right?

Well, nobody ever called me
"D-D-D-D-D-Daddy" before.

But I guess I could get
used to it.

- Bean pie, my daddy?
- Don't mind if I do, son.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

BLACK DYNAMITE:
Wait, what?

"Daddy Dynamite and Brother
That Bastard Kurtis."

Hmm.

I don't know about this, man.
We fuckin' with Black Dynamite.

You know what? You acting like
a little bitch right about now.

Now, we gonna roll up
in the rink,

find these little marks,
and smoke them.

[ Disco music playing ]

Awwwww shit, hey!
That's my song!

I'm about to shake what
my mama gave me and boogie.

Man, what I wouldn't give
to have a normal daddy

under some normal circumstances.

At least you had a daddy
to leave you when you was 8.

[ Voice breaking ]
My daddy was a test tube.

Cream Corn, this moment is about
Black Dynamite's father issues.

Now, you gonna have to save that
test-tube-daddy B-story

for another day, you dig?

Sorry, Black Dynamite.

[ Disco music playing ]

Here's the get-back, bitch.

[ All screaming ]

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

[ Screams ]

Now, tell me
who sent you puppet fuckers

and why are you here?

Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis is

a very hateful puppet,
Black Dynamite.

He set this whole thing up.

He brought your daddy back
into your life

just to tear him away from you.

But your daddy is in trouble.

Honey Bee, Cream Corn, Bullhorn!

I need you to round up
these orphans

and get these wheels off them
quick, fast, and in a hurry.

My daddy's in trouble,
and he needs me.

[ Coughs ]
Black Dynamite. Black Dynamite!

Black Dynamite, you ain't shit.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

As you all know, I am
the Brother Minister

That Bastard Kurtis,

and I want to thank you all
for coming out

to the all-new God's Dynamite
Puppet Show-w-w-w!

[ Cheers and applause ]

BLACK DYNAMITE:
Suey!

Uh, can I help you puppets?

Daddy, it's me, your son.

Now, hold on, puppet.

Daddy Dynamite has bumped
a whole lot of uglies in his day,

but I know for a fact I ain't
never laid no pipe

in no puppet poontang.

No, it's me, Black Dynamite.

Boy, what the hell are you doing

disguised in a damn
puppet costume,

looking like a damn puppet?

Well, that's why it's called a dis...
Look, Daddy...

there's something you need to know
about this That Bastard Kurtis.

He can't be trusted.
He's trying to kill you.

Impossible...
That Bastard Kurtis has been

more of a son
in these last few days

then you've been your whole
life, Black Dynamite.

That's because you walked out
on me when I was 8.

Oh, yeah.

KURTIS:
N-Now it is time, brothers and s-s-sisters,

to give a warm welcome
to Reverend Bro-Brother

Daddy D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Dynamite!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, that's me.
Maybe I should scram.

- But Daddy...
- Bye, bitch.

Brother That Bastard Kurtis...
Kurtises?

[ laughs ] Look at your face,
Black Dynamite.

What... what you thought I was
the only one, Black Dynamite?

Oh, yeah, I was the only seed,
Black Dynamite? Huh?

These brothers here are
my F.O.I. Brothers...

The Frogs of Incense.

Ribbit, motherfucker. Ribbit.
[ laughs ]

And by "brothers” I mean
biological, not Black.

Cut the toad shit,
That Bastard Kurtis.

You and I both know what
this is about.

That's right.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Can I get a "Dynamite,
Dynamite"?

Now, next time I ain't gonna
use no gun, 'cause us Kurtises

are packing in more than just
one place, brother.

You ever been smacked
across your face

by 50 fuckin' frog
d-d-d-d-dicks? Huh?!

[ Unzipping ]

[ laughs ] Huh?
[ laughs ] Huh?

I have. It ain't a good look,
Black Dynamite.

Don't flinch. It ain't coming yet.
The shit ain't coming yet.

When it's coming,
I'll let you know,

and I'm not coming at you
from one side.

I'm coming at you from both
sides, from up, from under.

You ever have your face
uppercutted by a... a frog dick?

You try to rope-a-dope like Ali,

but it's... it's too many dicks!

You motherfucker brother
Black Dynamite.

Kill they assess!
P-P-P-P-P-Please! Please!

Shoot his ass!
Everybody shoot!

Everybody shoot!
Yeah! Yeah! F.O.I., baby!

[ Gun clicks ]

You mean to tell me
n-n-n-n-none of y'all motherfuckers

know how to shoot a gun?
Huh?

Are you kidding me right now?

I'm try... I'm trying not
to get upset.

Ahhh suey!

[ Cheers and applause ]
Bitch, a-ha! Bitch, ha-ha!

Bitch, a-ha!
Oh, lord, bitch, ha!

Suey!

[ Voice breaking ]
You killed my fucking daddy.

You ripped my daddy in pieces,
motherfucker!

I'ma Kill your ass right now.
You dead, motherfucker!

DADDY DYNAMITE:
Now everybody, gimme that moneeyyyy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

DADDY DYNAMITE:
Bitch, ah! Bitch, a-ha!

Aaaah!

[all gasp ]

Like my daddy used to say,

"R-R-Ribbit, motherfucker!
R-R-Ribbit!

Aaaaah!

And like my daddy used to say,
"dig it while you can,

'cause the light just
turned motherfuckin' green.

Bye, bitch!"

Ahhhhhhhh!
- Dynamite!

The buck stops here, son.

Don't you see he's got
tadpoles in his shoes?

You kill him and this shit
will never stop.

In 13 weeks, we will
have another

little angry frog puppet
seeking revenge.

Look, your daddy's
messed up, son.

And if I wouldn't have left you,

this frog's daddy wouldn't
have raised you

to be the man you are today.

You'd probably be out there
polluting and not giving a hoot,

not preventing forest fires.

And who knows what colors
you would have been

trying to mix together
to get green.

And even though leaving you
made you a better man,

it doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry, son.

And I'm sorry I killed
your daddy on national TV,

That Bastard Kurtis.

But he was destroying the minds
of the children.

Fuck the minds of the children.

He was slapping people
in the face with frog dicks.

I know, Brother
Black Dynamite, I know.

Well, he's gone now.

So maybe you and I can
share your daddy.

He can be like both ours, but we
can keep him at my house.

But he still both our daddys.

You two are grown men
and frogs now.

You don't need a daddy like me
in your life no more.

Besides, you got your own
dad dying to do.

And do me a favor...

If you ever feel like walking
out on your kids,

just go get a pack
of cigarettes instead.

[ All laugh ]

Well, I know this ain't the storybook
way to end the scene,

but once again it seems like

we done left
the motherfucking orphans.

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪

[ disco music playing ]

Whoo!

♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪