Black Comedy (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
(Alarm bleeps)
Oh, um, ma'am.
I get you go back, please. Uh...
(Alarm bleeps)
You got no ring on your fingers,
uh, on your toes?
Nothing in your pocket?
No, no, nothing in my pockets.
Oh, hang on.
Oh. Sorry. Oh, phone, yes.
Happens all the time. It's OK.
(Alarm bleeps)
Can I get you to go back, yes?
(Alarm bleeps)
Oh! Oh.
Keys.
Keys.
(Alarm bleeps)
(Alarm bleeps) Sorry.
(Camera clicks) Yeah, camera.
(Alarm bleeps)
(Alarm bleeps)
Oh, ee-ah-weh.
(Sighs)
(Laughs)
OK, come through.
# Theme music
Sorry I'm late.
You been waiting long?
Oh, 45 minutes.
Oh, that's good.
Uh, sorry, how is that good?
Better me take a shit in the toilet
than in the car, eh?
OK, let's get a move on.
OK.
What you doing?
Um, getting in the car?
Haven't you heard of
the pre-driving good luck ceremony?
No, I haven't.
Oh, bud, not off
to a very good start, are ya?
That's not an actual thing,
though... is it?
Are you the instructor now?
You can teach me how to drive.
No, I wasn't saying that.
I was just...
I got the clipboard.
You got shit. Now get in the car.
Uh, what about
the pre-driving good luck ceremony?
That's not a thing.
Now get in the car.
(Both moan erotically)
(Moans)
Why do they call it 'missionary'?
What?
'Missionary'.
Yeah, why do...
they call it 'missionary'?
I don't know.
Maybe because of the missionaries?
Like... Like Christian missionaries?
Like the missionaries
that came and created missions
for Aboriginal people?
What are you talking about?
(Moans) This...
(Moans) This feels kind of weird.
What do you mean?
Kind of... oppressive.
What do you mean 'oppressive'?
You on top of me in missionary.
I, as an Aboriginal woman,
can't have a white man on top of her,
inside of her,
and it be called 'missionary'.
Nope.
We could call it something else.
Like what?
'Man on top'.
(Moans) Wait, wait. 'Man on top'?
Mm-hm.
Are you serious, Cale?
Do you really need to reiterate
the power of the patriarchy
inside of the bedroom?
Yeah, you're right.
What about, um...
Gifts from above.
Your penis is a gift?
Pleasure from the sky?
From the sky. Like God.
Great, now I'm back at missionary.
What about 'journey to the...'
Look, it's not the words.
It's the meaning.
Who cares what the name is
if it just symbolises the same thing?
You invading me and colonising me.
Your goodwill and faith
is just a facade
as you destroy me from the inside.
You fill me with your beliefs
as you plough me dry
for my natural resources.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
God.
We're not going there.
Cale...
..we need to talk seriously
about this.
(Snoring)
Hey!
(Snorts)
(Knocking)
# HIP-HOP
Hey!
You right? Yeah.
Come on, let's go have some fun.
(Slap!) (Air whistling)
# HIP-HOP
Eyah, slut.
What, slut?
We need to talk. About what?
About us.
(Gasps)
I knew you were gonna say that.
It's like we've got
a psycho connection.
So, what about us?
I need to know if... you're my man.
Oh. Why do you need to know?
Isn't it obvious?
I need to hear it.
Only reason you wanna hear it
is so you can put it up on Facebook
and let everybody know
that I'm your slut.
So what if I do?
What if I do it first?
Then everybody will know
that we're sluts.
Anyway, can't even tell me.
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut? You're my man.
Oh. Well, what's this, then, slut?
You're my man too.
Oh. Well what's this, then, slut?
If you cheat on me,
I will cut your budhoo off.
Rowr!
If you do, can you put it up
on the wall as a trophy?
No! Only my eyes be seeing
your budhoo from now on.
Ooh! Are your eyes big enough?
(Gasps) Big enough for big budhoo.
Proper big hole. Oh!
Are you gonna change
your Facebook status?
Already have.
(Mobile phone bleeps)
Ooh. You move proper fast.
Can you keep up?
I can keep... anything up.
(Mobile phone bleeps)
(Gasps) Well, now it's official.
Now the world knows... we're sluts.
Eternal sluts. For eternity.
Can't even celebrate. (Gasps)
What's this, then, slut?
(Gasps)
Well, what's this, then, slut?
What's this, then... slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut? (Gasps)
# JOYOUS PARTY MUSIC
What if I kiss you?
OK.
And you get on top?
Yeah, that could work.
(Both grunt) I love you, babe.
(Both moan erotically)
Why do I have to do all the work?
What?
This is just sooo typical.
The black woman doing all the work,
and the white man can just lay back
and reap all of the rewards.
No, it's meant to be
that you're in control,
you're on top
and you control the pleasure.
Yeah, it would seem that way,
wouldn't it?
Yes.
Yeah. But I'm not really
in control, am I?
Because I'm doing all the work,
aren't I?
I'm working harder
than I've ever worked before,
and you just lay back
and reap all of the rewards
and the cycle of oppression
continues.
What cycle?
I don't want to keep you in a
cycle - I just wanna make you come.
Make me what, Cale?!
Make you feel good.
Well, then how about
YOU try doing something.
OK. How?
Oh, I can't think of everything,
Cale. Just do something.
Take responsibility
for your own decisions.
It's time. Time for change.
OK. Now?
Yes, now.
OK. You're just sitting on
my bladder, I really need a wee.
Oh, OK, sorry.
Dad?
Yes, son?
If there were no black people,
would that mean white people
would be the best dancers?
Yeah.
I guess it would.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mr Farmer...
That's Uncle Doctor, thank you.
Uncle Doctor...
..you have been brought here
in front of the medical board today
to answer claims of malpractice.
Malpractice makes perfect.
'Malpractice', 'MAL-practice'.
It has been brought to our attention
that you have been
practicing medicine
under the guise of a Doctorate
which was awarded to you
for your services as an advisory
to the university board.
You have no actual medical training.
You treated a patient
with a compound leg fracture
with Vicks VapoRub.
Is he dead?
Well, no, but...
You prescribed flat lemonade
for an appendicitis
which needed an emergency surgery -
we were within minutes
of a man's life!
Is he dead?
Well, no,
but that is hardly the point.
A man with severe head trauma
was told,
'You'll be right', and...
to... 'walk it off'.
'Walk it off.'
Yeah.
Is he dead?
No, but he is in a vegetative state.
Is he dead?
Look, you may not understand my
methods but you will respect them.
They've been passed down to me from
Grandfather Doctor to Father Doctor
to me, Uncle Doctor,
and I'm gonna pass them on
to Nephew Doctor and Cousin Doctor.
You told a man with third-degree
burns to put vinegar on it.
Is he dead?
Yes! He's dead!
(Sighs)
One of the hardest things
about being Uncle Doctor,
you know, you can't win 'em all.
You're not a doctor!
I'm Uncle Doctor!
And I'll be fucked,
I get the job done!
Uncle Doctor, you are not trained
to be practising
any kind of medicine.
Who's practising here?
This is the real thing,
I'm playing for keeps. Listen.
To save this hospital
any embarrassment about this gaffe,
we are not going to make this public.
However, if you are caught
in a hospital or medical service
in any capacity
other than a patient,
you will be arrested and prosecuted.
'Embarrassment?'?
Well then, big mouth, shutchole,
shutchole, shutchole.
You don't have to shut yer hole.
But you three, shutchole!
What are you doing?
I'm being responsible
for my own decisions.
Oh, OK.
May I start?
Uh, yes, start when you want.
OK. I've got your, like,
express permission to just...
Oh, my God, Cale,
what are you planning to do
where you need my express consent?
Just sex stuff!
Just start! OK!
(Moans) Oh, yeah.
Um...
What do I normally do with my hands?
You decide.
What was that?
It was an arse slap.
Oh, Cale, if you're gonna slap
my arse, slap it - don't tap it.
Slap it! (Smack!)
Ow! What was that?! A slap.
Oh, I can't do this.
What, it felt bad?
No, it feels good.
Well?
It just doesn't feel... right.
Well, what's wrong?
We're both adults, we're being safe.
Are we? Yes!
But what is safe for us
might not be safe for others.
We don't live in a vacuum,
our decisions have consequences.
May, it's just sex.
Is it, Cale? Is it just sex?
Or are we perpetuating
a culture of oppression
through our own personal decisions?
Maybe you, a white man,
being behind me, a black woman,
slapping me like a dog
is more than just sex -
maybe it's a symbol for society.
And can I ever really consent
to that?
I don't know, May.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to dismantle
my white male privilege
to come up with a sexual position
to empower us both equally
whilst challenging the status quo
and bringing us both
to an adequate climax.
Cale, I can't do this on my own.
We need to be allies.
We're in this together.
You, me and society.
OK. What about side by side,
where we're both equals?
Just no-one's on top,
no-one's below, just face to face.
Equals. OK?
Yeah. OK.
OK.
Now? Yes, now.
I just need to wee first.
OK, you go wee,
I'll try and get ready.
Oh, shit.
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel.
And so does Pebbles.
Oh, Mr Hookey? Yeah. Yeah, John.
G'day.
I'm here to see, um,
Teefarnay O'Reilly.
Teefarnay? You mean Tiffany.
Yeah, Tiffany.
Um, can you tell me
what this is about?
Because I'm not too sure whether
I want to speak with her, because...
..we kind of ended up
on really bad terms.
The only thing I bin guilty of
is lovin' you, John.
I bin giving my all, but I never bin
gettin' nothing in return.
Ah, we've heard all about it.
Really?
Well, what'd she say?
Oh, she told us everything.
You're not Murri.
Here, bubba, you don't wanna
talk to me like that
when I belongs to you.
That's proper 'urtful, you know?
She's been here a few months now.
Ever since we found her running
around out there in the desert,
naked, covered in mud,
claiming land rights.
Look, the best way for her
to get over it is by facing it.
(Sighs) Alright, fair enough.
I'll speak with her.
OK. Through this way, mate.
Tiffany, you have a visitor.
(Normal voice)
Hello, John. How are you?
Yeah, I'm well. You?
Better.
The doctors, they say
that if I keep making progress,
then I'll be out of eyah...
..here... within a couple of months.
Well, that's nice to hear.
So, can you tell me
why you wanted to see me?
Wasn't my idea.
The doctors thought it would
be good for me to see you.
They say that my decline started
when I started dating you.
Please don't think
that I'm blaming you.
I told them that I'd be...
proper shame...
Sorry.
I just... I still have my moments.
Look, you'll be alright.
You'll get through this.
I mean, if there's one thing
I know about you,
once you put your mind to something,
there's no stopping you.
Thanks, John.
Well, look, Elaine's waiting for me,
so I better go.
Is that the girl I met in the cafe
when I had my little outburst?
Yeah.
She seemed nice.
It was really nice to see you, Tiff.
And I wish you a speedy recovery.
Me too, John. Me too.
OK. See ya.
Eyah la you, fella!
You bin hurt me proper bad!
And if there's one thing
Teefarnay never bin forget,
it's the pain she bin feel
when you fella
bin put that knife
through her heart.
So, look out, John Hookey.
I'm coming for you, fella!
I'm coming for you, fella,
and your uptown woman,
and you fella will know
how that pain bin feel.
Oh... (Hisses)
..you fella will know!
How'd you go?
Yeah, good.
I think she's gonna be OK.
You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Dad?
Yes, son.
You know how they call black people
who hang out at parks 'parkies'?
Yes, son.
Well, does that make us... beachies?
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
Beachies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, for the ground-breaking
ceremony,
we've been asked to include
a Welcome to Country.
What is that?
Oh, it's like an Aborigine
welcomes us to their land,
and they kind of bang on
about how we should respect it
and... cultural stuff.
Apparently, in the last year,
it's become the norm.
Everyone's doing it.
We need to keep up.
OK. Are we on to it? You bet.
Last night I jumped on
to Google, made a few phone calls,
got the names of
a couple of Aborigines
who specialise in this sort of thing.
Oh, excellent. Anyone good?
Yeah, there's an old man called Ben
who goes by the stage name
'Uncle Jack'.
Great, we'll have him. That's good.
Wait, there were some others, yeah?
There was an old woman
who's highly recommended,
goes by the name of Aunty Dot.
'Aunty Dot', that sounds nice.
Let's have her.
The thing is she asked for $1,000
plus exclusive rights
to all our Welcome to Countries.
Oh, that'd be right.
Um, what about the Jack guy?
Jack only asked for $500,
but he wants a tab at the bar
for him and his nephews.
OK, it's a ground-breaking ceremony,
there won't be a bar.
We shouldn't have to pay
for all this ancient mumbo jumbo
we don't even want.
Too bloody right!
They should do it
for the love of it.
Geez.
Why don't we just do it ourselves?
I mean, how hard can it be?
Thank you all for coming today.
So, as we prepare to break ground
on this amazing new development,
we would like to pay respects to the
traditional custodians of the land
with a traditional
Welcome to County.
(Muted applause)
(Mutters unintelligibly
Hello. Hello.
How you mob doin', eh?
Are you deadly? Yeah?
Er, we got proper good land
to be sold here, eh?
Proper good price too, huh?
So, uh... let's break this land.
(Applauds)
I wonder who his mob are?
(Both moan erotically)
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this feels great. Yeah.
Equal. BOTH: Uh-huh.
Nothing more, nothing less. Yep.
You're... You're not in.
Oh.
Wait.
You've gone soft.
Why have you gone soft?
Is it... Is it me?
Hey, no, no. No, no.
Well, kind of.
What do you mean, 'kind of'?
Well...
It's just hard for me to...
you know, get it up,
because I can't look at you
without thinking about you being...
Being what? Being Aboriginal.
Oh. Oh, so you're a racist?
No! No.
Oh, OK, so your penis is a racist?
My penis is not a racist.
But you can't have sex with me
because I'm Aboriginal.
I just can't, as a white man,
have sex with you, a black woman,
without oppressing you
or your people.
Well, maybe you're being racist
if you DON'T have sex with me.
Yeah, maybe you need to have sex
with me to bridge... the gap?
Yeah?
Yeah, maybe you need
to have sex with me as action
that affirms, as affirmative action.
Yeah.
Our ancestors didn't fight
for our civil rights,
they didn't march across
The Harbour Bridge
and Kevin Rudd did not say 'sorry'
for us to not have sex.
It's our duty as Australians.
We're going to have sex
in every position,
free of the white, male patriarchy.
This is one night for man,
but one giant lifetime for mankind.
(Moans)
(Moans)
(Moans)
May?
Yes, Cale.
Oh. I just came.
Oh, shit.
(Both exhale)
(Snores)
Do you feel like...
you're doing fuck-all?
And you feel like you
should be doing fuck heaps?
Well, you probably just need
a little bit of motivation.
And my series of books and audio
books, as read by me, Uncle Doctor,
are bound to get you
on the right path.
My 'Fuck Up and Do Sumfint' series
starts with Vol.1 - Shutchole.
The reason you're not doing fuck-all
is because ya probably talkin' shit.
Shutchole.
See, you're not reaching ya
full potential coz ya full of shit,
something's not right with you.
Shutchole.
(Strains)
Each book is pleather-bound,
so it feels mad.
Order now and get
my other bestsellers like...
(Gasps) That's Probably Infected.
Is He Dead? Vol.4.
And Stop Fuckin' Around
And Get It Togevva.
Order now, ya dumb dog.
Oh, um, ma'am.
I get you go back, please. Uh...
(Alarm bleeps)
You got no ring on your fingers,
uh, on your toes?
Nothing in your pocket?
No, no, nothing in my pockets.
Oh, hang on.
Oh. Sorry. Oh, phone, yes.
Happens all the time. It's OK.
(Alarm bleeps)
Can I get you to go back, yes?
(Alarm bleeps)
Oh! Oh.
Keys.
Keys.
(Alarm bleeps)
(Alarm bleeps) Sorry.
(Camera clicks) Yeah, camera.
(Alarm bleeps)
(Alarm bleeps)
Oh, ee-ah-weh.
(Sighs)
(Laughs)
OK, come through.
# Theme music
Sorry I'm late.
You been waiting long?
Oh, 45 minutes.
Oh, that's good.
Uh, sorry, how is that good?
Better me take a shit in the toilet
than in the car, eh?
OK, let's get a move on.
OK.
What you doing?
Um, getting in the car?
Haven't you heard of
the pre-driving good luck ceremony?
No, I haven't.
Oh, bud, not off
to a very good start, are ya?
That's not an actual thing,
though... is it?
Are you the instructor now?
You can teach me how to drive.
No, I wasn't saying that.
I was just...
I got the clipboard.
You got shit. Now get in the car.
Uh, what about
the pre-driving good luck ceremony?
That's not a thing.
Now get in the car.
(Both moan erotically)
(Moans)
Why do they call it 'missionary'?
What?
'Missionary'.
Yeah, why do...
they call it 'missionary'?
I don't know.
Maybe because of the missionaries?
Like... Like Christian missionaries?
Like the missionaries
that came and created missions
for Aboriginal people?
What are you talking about?
(Moans) This...
(Moans) This feels kind of weird.
What do you mean?
Kind of... oppressive.
What do you mean 'oppressive'?
You on top of me in missionary.
I, as an Aboriginal woman,
can't have a white man on top of her,
inside of her,
and it be called 'missionary'.
Nope.
We could call it something else.
Like what?
'Man on top'.
(Moans) Wait, wait. 'Man on top'?
Mm-hm.
Are you serious, Cale?
Do you really need to reiterate
the power of the patriarchy
inside of the bedroom?
Yeah, you're right.
What about, um...
Gifts from above.
Your penis is a gift?
Pleasure from the sky?
From the sky. Like God.
Great, now I'm back at missionary.
What about 'journey to the...'
Look, it's not the words.
It's the meaning.
Who cares what the name is
if it just symbolises the same thing?
You invading me and colonising me.
Your goodwill and faith
is just a facade
as you destroy me from the inside.
You fill me with your beliefs
as you plough me dry
for my natural resources.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
God.
We're not going there.
Cale...
..we need to talk seriously
about this.
(Snoring)
Hey!
(Snorts)
(Knocking)
# HIP-HOP
Hey!
You right? Yeah.
Come on, let's go have some fun.
(Slap!) (Air whistling)
# HIP-HOP
Eyah, slut.
What, slut?
We need to talk. About what?
About us.
(Gasps)
I knew you were gonna say that.
It's like we've got
a psycho connection.
So, what about us?
I need to know if... you're my man.
Oh. Why do you need to know?
Isn't it obvious?
I need to hear it.
Only reason you wanna hear it
is so you can put it up on Facebook
and let everybody know
that I'm your slut.
So what if I do?
What if I do it first?
Then everybody will know
that we're sluts.
Anyway, can't even tell me.
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then,
slut? You're my man.
Oh. Well, what's this, then, slut?
You're my man too.
Oh. Well what's this, then, slut?
If you cheat on me,
I will cut your budhoo off.
Rowr!
If you do, can you put it up
on the wall as a trophy?
No! Only my eyes be seeing
your budhoo from now on.
Ooh! Are your eyes big enough?
(Gasps) Big enough for big budhoo.
Proper big hole. Oh!
Are you gonna change
your Facebook status?
Already have.
(Mobile phone bleeps)
Ooh. You move proper fast.
Can you keep up?
I can keep... anything up.
(Mobile phone bleeps)
(Gasps) Well, now it's official.
Now the world knows... we're sluts.
Eternal sluts. For eternity.
Can't even celebrate. (Gasps)
What's this, then, slut?
(Gasps)
Well, what's this, then, slut?
What's this, then... slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut? (Gasps)
# JOYOUS PARTY MUSIC
What if I kiss you?
OK.
And you get on top?
Yeah, that could work.
(Both grunt) I love you, babe.
(Both moan erotically)
Why do I have to do all the work?
What?
This is just sooo typical.
The black woman doing all the work,
and the white man can just lay back
and reap all of the rewards.
No, it's meant to be
that you're in control,
you're on top
and you control the pleasure.
Yeah, it would seem that way,
wouldn't it?
Yes.
Yeah. But I'm not really
in control, am I?
Because I'm doing all the work,
aren't I?
I'm working harder
than I've ever worked before,
and you just lay back
and reap all of the rewards
and the cycle of oppression
continues.
What cycle?
I don't want to keep you in a
cycle - I just wanna make you come.
Make me what, Cale?!
Make you feel good.
Well, then how about
YOU try doing something.
OK. How?
Oh, I can't think of everything,
Cale. Just do something.
Take responsibility
for your own decisions.
It's time. Time for change.
OK. Now?
Yes, now.
OK. You're just sitting on
my bladder, I really need a wee.
Oh, OK, sorry.
Dad?
Yes, son?
If there were no black people,
would that mean white people
would be the best dancers?
Yeah.
I guess it would.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mr Farmer...
That's Uncle Doctor, thank you.
Uncle Doctor...
..you have been brought here
in front of the medical board today
to answer claims of malpractice.
Malpractice makes perfect.
'Malpractice', 'MAL-practice'.
It has been brought to our attention
that you have been
practicing medicine
under the guise of a Doctorate
which was awarded to you
for your services as an advisory
to the university board.
You have no actual medical training.
You treated a patient
with a compound leg fracture
with Vicks VapoRub.
Is he dead?
Well, no, but...
You prescribed flat lemonade
for an appendicitis
which needed an emergency surgery -
we were within minutes
of a man's life!
Is he dead?
Well, no,
but that is hardly the point.
A man with severe head trauma
was told,
'You'll be right', and...
to... 'walk it off'.
'Walk it off.'
Yeah.
Is he dead?
No, but he is in a vegetative state.
Is he dead?
Look, you may not understand my
methods but you will respect them.
They've been passed down to me from
Grandfather Doctor to Father Doctor
to me, Uncle Doctor,
and I'm gonna pass them on
to Nephew Doctor and Cousin Doctor.
You told a man with third-degree
burns to put vinegar on it.
Is he dead?
Yes! He's dead!
(Sighs)
One of the hardest things
about being Uncle Doctor,
you know, you can't win 'em all.
You're not a doctor!
I'm Uncle Doctor!
And I'll be fucked,
I get the job done!
Uncle Doctor, you are not trained
to be practising
any kind of medicine.
Who's practising here?
This is the real thing,
I'm playing for keeps. Listen.
To save this hospital
any embarrassment about this gaffe,
we are not going to make this public.
However, if you are caught
in a hospital or medical service
in any capacity
other than a patient,
you will be arrested and prosecuted.
'Embarrassment?'?
Well then, big mouth, shutchole,
shutchole, shutchole.
You don't have to shut yer hole.
But you three, shutchole!
What are you doing?
I'm being responsible
for my own decisions.
Oh, OK.
May I start?
Uh, yes, start when you want.
OK. I've got your, like,
express permission to just...
Oh, my God, Cale,
what are you planning to do
where you need my express consent?
Just sex stuff!
Just start! OK!
(Moans) Oh, yeah.
Um...
What do I normally do with my hands?
You decide.
What was that?
It was an arse slap.
Oh, Cale, if you're gonna slap
my arse, slap it - don't tap it.
Slap it! (Smack!)
Ow! What was that?! A slap.
Oh, I can't do this.
What, it felt bad?
No, it feels good.
Well?
It just doesn't feel... right.
Well, what's wrong?
We're both adults, we're being safe.
Are we? Yes!
But what is safe for us
might not be safe for others.
We don't live in a vacuum,
our decisions have consequences.
May, it's just sex.
Is it, Cale? Is it just sex?
Or are we perpetuating
a culture of oppression
through our own personal decisions?
Maybe you, a white man,
being behind me, a black woman,
slapping me like a dog
is more than just sex -
maybe it's a symbol for society.
And can I ever really consent
to that?
I don't know, May.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to dismantle
my white male privilege
to come up with a sexual position
to empower us both equally
whilst challenging the status quo
and bringing us both
to an adequate climax.
Cale, I can't do this on my own.
We need to be allies.
We're in this together.
You, me and society.
OK. What about side by side,
where we're both equals?
Just no-one's on top,
no-one's below, just face to face.
Equals. OK?
Yeah. OK.
OK.
Now? Yes, now.
I just need to wee first.
OK, you go wee,
I'll try and get ready.
Oh, shit.
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel.
And so does Pebbles.
Oh, Mr Hookey? Yeah. Yeah, John.
G'day.
I'm here to see, um,
Teefarnay O'Reilly.
Teefarnay? You mean Tiffany.
Yeah, Tiffany.
Um, can you tell me
what this is about?
Because I'm not too sure whether
I want to speak with her, because...
..we kind of ended up
on really bad terms.
The only thing I bin guilty of
is lovin' you, John.
I bin giving my all, but I never bin
gettin' nothing in return.
Ah, we've heard all about it.
Really?
Well, what'd she say?
Oh, she told us everything.
You're not Murri.
Here, bubba, you don't wanna
talk to me like that
when I belongs to you.
That's proper 'urtful, you know?
She's been here a few months now.
Ever since we found her running
around out there in the desert,
naked, covered in mud,
claiming land rights.
Look, the best way for her
to get over it is by facing it.
(Sighs) Alright, fair enough.
I'll speak with her.
OK. Through this way, mate.
Tiffany, you have a visitor.
(Normal voice)
Hello, John. How are you?
Yeah, I'm well. You?
Better.
The doctors, they say
that if I keep making progress,
then I'll be out of eyah...
..here... within a couple of months.
Well, that's nice to hear.
So, can you tell me
why you wanted to see me?
Wasn't my idea.
The doctors thought it would
be good for me to see you.
They say that my decline started
when I started dating you.
Please don't think
that I'm blaming you.
I told them that I'd be...
proper shame...
Sorry.
I just... I still have my moments.
Look, you'll be alright.
You'll get through this.
I mean, if there's one thing
I know about you,
once you put your mind to something,
there's no stopping you.
Thanks, John.
Well, look, Elaine's waiting for me,
so I better go.
Is that the girl I met in the cafe
when I had my little outburst?
Yeah.
She seemed nice.
It was really nice to see you, Tiff.
And I wish you a speedy recovery.
Me too, John. Me too.
OK. See ya.
Eyah la you, fella!
You bin hurt me proper bad!
And if there's one thing
Teefarnay never bin forget,
it's the pain she bin feel
when you fella
bin put that knife
through her heart.
So, look out, John Hookey.
I'm coming for you, fella!
I'm coming for you, fella,
and your uptown woman,
and you fella will know
how that pain bin feel.
Oh... (Hisses)
..you fella will know!
How'd you go?
Yeah, good.
I think she's gonna be OK.
You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Dad?
Yes, son.
You know how they call black people
who hang out at parks 'parkies'?
Yes, son.
Well, does that make us... beachies?
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
Beachies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, for the ground-breaking
ceremony,
we've been asked to include
a Welcome to Country.
What is that?
Oh, it's like an Aborigine
welcomes us to their land,
and they kind of bang on
about how we should respect it
and... cultural stuff.
Apparently, in the last year,
it's become the norm.
Everyone's doing it.
We need to keep up.
OK. Are we on to it? You bet.
Last night I jumped on
to Google, made a few phone calls,
got the names of
a couple of Aborigines
who specialise in this sort of thing.
Oh, excellent. Anyone good?
Yeah, there's an old man called Ben
who goes by the stage name
'Uncle Jack'.
Great, we'll have him. That's good.
Wait, there were some others, yeah?
There was an old woman
who's highly recommended,
goes by the name of Aunty Dot.
'Aunty Dot', that sounds nice.
Let's have her.
The thing is she asked for $1,000
plus exclusive rights
to all our Welcome to Countries.
Oh, that'd be right.
Um, what about the Jack guy?
Jack only asked for $500,
but he wants a tab at the bar
for him and his nephews.
OK, it's a ground-breaking ceremony,
there won't be a bar.
We shouldn't have to pay
for all this ancient mumbo jumbo
we don't even want.
Too bloody right!
They should do it
for the love of it.
Geez.
Why don't we just do it ourselves?
I mean, how hard can it be?
Thank you all for coming today.
So, as we prepare to break ground
on this amazing new development,
we would like to pay respects to the
traditional custodians of the land
with a traditional
Welcome to County.
(Muted applause)
(Mutters unintelligibly
Hello. Hello.
How you mob doin', eh?
Are you deadly? Yeah?
Er, we got proper good land
to be sold here, eh?
Proper good price too, huh?
So, uh... let's break this land.
(Applauds)
I wonder who his mob are?
(Both moan erotically)
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this feels great. Yeah.
Equal. BOTH: Uh-huh.
Nothing more, nothing less. Yep.
You're... You're not in.
Oh.
Wait.
You've gone soft.
Why have you gone soft?
Is it... Is it me?
Hey, no, no. No, no.
Well, kind of.
What do you mean, 'kind of'?
Well...
It's just hard for me to...
you know, get it up,
because I can't look at you
without thinking about you being...
Being what? Being Aboriginal.
Oh. Oh, so you're a racist?
No! No.
Oh, OK, so your penis is a racist?
My penis is not a racist.
But you can't have sex with me
because I'm Aboriginal.
I just can't, as a white man,
have sex with you, a black woman,
without oppressing you
or your people.
Well, maybe you're being racist
if you DON'T have sex with me.
Yeah, maybe you need to have sex
with me to bridge... the gap?
Yeah?
Yeah, maybe you need
to have sex with me as action
that affirms, as affirmative action.
Yeah.
Our ancestors didn't fight
for our civil rights,
they didn't march across
The Harbour Bridge
and Kevin Rudd did not say 'sorry'
for us to not have sex.
It's our duty as Australians.
We're going to have sex
in every position,
free of the white, male patriarchy.
This is one night for man,
but one giant lifetime for mankind.
(Moans)
(Moans)
(Moans)
May?
Yes, Cale.
Oh. I just came.
Oh, shit.
(Both exhale)
(Snores)
Do you feel like...
you're doing fuck-all?
And you feel like you
should be doing fuck heaps?
Well, you probably just need
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books, as read by me, Uncle Doctor,
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The reason you're not doing fuck-all
is because ya probably talkin' shit.
Shutchole.
See, you're not reaching ya
full potential coz ya full of shit,
something's not right with you.
Shutchole.
(Strains)
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