Black Comedy (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
It's a private number.
Wait! Don't answer it!
You don't know who it could be.
Who could it have been?
The bank?
Debt collectors?
No.
Something far, far more evil.
Like who?
Centrelink.
OK. I've turned it off.
It's not that easy.
My Uncle Roy, he had
a private number call him once.
Thought he could ignore it.
All day and all night,
it just kept ringing.
Didn't stop.
What happened?
One day he answered it...
..and we never saw him again.
Julie...
..I thought you said
your phone was off.
Yeah.
I'm gonna answer it. Don't.
Don't you ever answer
a private number!
I have to answer it!
It just keeps ringing!
Arggh!
Hello.
WOMAN, ON PHONE:
This is Janice from Centrelink.
Arggh!
Bastard!
Welcome to Blackfella Superstitious
Solutions. How can I help you?
WOMAN, ON PHONE: Yeah, hi.
I cut my hair last night
and apparently
you're not supposed to do that,
so I'm just calling
for confirmation.
What do you mean 'at night'?
You didn't actually cut it at night?
Well, it was dark, so, yeah,
I guess you would say night.
Uh, excuse me for a moment.
Hair! Oh!
Are you frigging kidding me?!
What was going through
that newly trimmed head of yours?
I got confused.
What do you mean 'confused'?
Are you black? Yeah, I am.
But I thought it was whistling -
that you couldn't whistle at night.
Well, of course you can't!
There's a whole heap of shit
you can't do at night.
You can't whistle,
you can't use a broom,
and you most certainly
can't cut your friggin' hair!
What do I do? How do I fix it?
You can't fix it! You're fucked!
Did you clean up your hair? Please
tell me you cleaned up your hair.
Yeah, of course I did.
I knew that part.
Never leave your hair
laying around.
Oh, God, what am I gonna do?
Why the shit did I have to buy
those clippers?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there,
Nelly, and back it up a bit!
Did you just say 'clippers'?
Yeah, I bought them yesterday.
They were on sale.
I used them to clipper my hair.
Oh, you silly bastard!
Then you got nothing to worry about.
It's only if you use scissors.
Clippers don't count.
So, I don't have anything
to worry about?
Not a thing. Now, get the fuck out
of here and stop wasting my time.
Oh! Thank you, brother.
You've saved my life!
Humph! Don't thank me,
thank your clippers.
MAN, VOICEOVER:
In the Aboriginal community,
coconut-based offences
are considered especially heinous.
The dedicated detectives who
investigate these vicious atrocities
are members of an elite squad
known as the Special Coconut Unit.
The people are real,
the cases are real.
The blacks are not.
These are their stories.
Wise up now, bruz.
You knew when you joined the unit
that you'd see some things
that would upset you.
This is the only way you'll adapt.
Thanks, brother boys.
We'll take it from here.
Bullshit, Graham.
We were here first.
This is ours.
You think you're King Dick around...
Listen here, right?
I was cracking coconuts while you
were still a snot-nosed chico baby.
This is SCU jurisdiction -
you know it and I know it.
So, you and your girlfriend here
get out of my crime scene,
get back out on the street,
or I'll have you back at the co-op
mixing cordial
for the Elders' next luncheon!
Cordial?!
It's not worth it, bruz.
Yeah, that's right -
I'm not worth it.
I AM it!
You little shit-kickers
have been living off the rep
we built in the '80s.
Eh? We did real Blakforce work!
We put the 'black' and 'force'
in Blakforce
with capital 'B', 'K', 'F'.
Buh-la-K-FOR-ce!
Now, get out of here. Go on, get!
Later, bruz.
Well, well, well.
Look what we got here.
Got a Code 42, 57, and a 93B.
Yeah. What's that?
Gentrification
with intent to assimilate,
profiting from coconut activities,
and thinking he's deadly
when he's not.
Dog!
Why did you join SCU?
I wanted to make a difference,
and I joined...
I know who you are
and I know what you do.
You wouldn't be here
if I didn't want you here.
I asked you why.
'Cause I'm sick of these coconuts
making us look like dickheads!
Is that right?
Shit! I didn't think they made
blackfellas like you anymore.
So, something like this
wouldn't bother you?
What's this?
It's a cheese knife.
It only cuts cheese.
Arggh!
It's sandalwood.
It's his calling card.
So, what we're looking at here
is the work of the Renovator.
The Renovator? Mmm.
Look at this place!
Fully furnished
and ready to go on the market.
What's sick is that
he's paid for everything.
None of this is on finance.
What?!
Look, bruz, this is
the third residence in two months.
The cooling-off period
is getting shorter.
He's got the taste for it,
and he's not gonna stop making things
better for himself until we stop him.
Right, bruz?
Let's go crack this coconut.
Oooh! Ah!
Eyah, slut! What, slut?
I'm ringing to... apologise.
Who's this?
Oh, you know who this is!
Oh, Big Budhoo Troy.
Nothing even happened!
Oh, what's that?
I can't even hear you over all the
sloppy noises your hole is making!
Nothing even happened!
Oh! What is it you want, anyway?
I'm trying to work.
I have a... a surprise for you.
Oh! What surprise?
That better not be you at the door!
I hate sluts coming to my house!
Where's Big Budhoo Troy?
Oh! Well, probably playing
with his big budhoo.
Oh, so, you didn't poke, then?
That's what I was trying to say.
Well, you want to try harder.
You wouldn't let me.
Oh, I'm letting you!
Well, let me take you out, then.
Oh! Take me where?
Where do you want to go?
Somewhere that cost a lot of money.
How much money?
Biggest mob money! Can you afford me?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
I thought I was paying for it, slut.
I know, slut.
Well, let's just go, then, slut.
OK, slut!
Move, sluts!
My man taking me out!
Oh! This is so confusing.
What?
This... this question 2.
Let's take a rest for a little bit.
So, do... do you like stuff?
What was that?
Uh, I have to go!
I'll see you tomorrow.
OK! I'm going!
Listen, just make it happen.
Yeah, make it happen!
What was that about? Squad car.
Here's your long black.
But what did you want me to buy
the soy decaf latte for?
You're gonna drink it.
Yeah, that was a good one,
that was a good one.
To catch a coconut, you gotta live
like a coconut, think like a coconut.
Now, drink it. Nah!
I joined the division to stop
this shit. I'm not drinking this!
This is not an option,
Detective Nathan! Now, drink.
You're fucking serious, aren't you?
Yeah.
Drink it.
That's it. Knock it back, bruz.
You feel that?
That's the soy in your system.
Whoo!
My brother! Hey!
Let's have some tunes.
# SOFT ROCK
Oh! What's... what's this?!
Turn it off!
Oh, this is... Oh, no!
You gotta desensitise.
Oh, I feel sick!
This is wrong!
Car 173. We're on it.
What was that?
Another house.
Dad?
Yes, son?
Do you know how we saw we're black?
Yes, son?
Why do we say we're black
when we're actually brown?
And why do we call white people
'white'
if they're actually pink?
They're more of a peach,
don't you reckon?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, guys, the new brief
has come through,
and... it's a tricky one.
We've been asked to rebrand...
..Aboriginal.
Come again?
Aboriginality apparently needs
an overhaul because it's dated.
It's old. It's trying to sell,
but nobody's buying it.
Selling Aboriginal - I mean,
that's like advertising suicide.
If we can sell Aboriginals,
we can sell anything.
True.
So, ideas. Come at me.
Consumer-created content's
really big right now.
What if we could get people
to, like, upload a video
with hashtag 'favourite Aboriginal'
for their chance to win...
Win what? No idea.
Fake viral video. Yeah, spreads
through social media like wildfire.
Maximum growth. Bam, easy.
Yeah, so, we did a search on most
commonly used Aboriginal terms.
We got a lot of Abo memes
and videos of people fighting
Aboriginal people on trains.
Alright, alright, so, steer clear
of anything linked to reality.
Correct! That's right.
What about black?
It's the new black!
Yeah, look,
I wanna be blunt with you there.
The market research has come back
and it just seems that the most
common issue with the feedback,
it's, um... it is the colour.
Yeah, black. It's just... it's not
selling. People don't like it.
Nothing good ever came
in a black package, let's be honest.
Yep. So, no more black.
If we're gonna sell Aboriginality,
we need to steer clear
of the whole colour thing.
So, we've got to stick
with the concept of Aboriginality.
Yeah, exactly, exactly - the concept.
So, let's think Aboriginal!
What do you think of
when you think Aboriginal?
Well, they like the outdoors.
Eugh!
Makes people think of parks.
They're friendly.
Yeah, when they're asking for money.
Oldest living civilisation!
Boring!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
We get a spokesperson, yeah?
Someone to speak on behalf
of the Aboriginal people.
Cathy Freeman? Dated.
That's, like, 15 years ago. What
have you done for us lately, Cath?
Adam Goodes!
Too threatening with the...
Mmm, yeah, look, these are all good,
but I think at the end of the day,
they're just not white enough.
Well, the only reason
Aboriginal people are black
is because other people are white.
It's instantly separating.
That's true.
Yeah, so, perhaps what we need to do
is combine Aboriginality and white
as one.
So, when you think Aboriginal,
you think white.
Yes!
Yes, exactly, but not just white.
They think... they think cool!
They think sexy, fun, fresh, new.
Aspirational!
White - it's the new black.
I like that! Oh, I like it.
Aboriginal.
# DANCE MUSIC
Aboriginal.
Aboriginal.
Aboriginal.
So... what do you think?
Look at this place. Immaculate!
He's taunting us.
I'll be fucked.
What's that smell?
It's new paint and sawdust.
This place is fresh.
Here - Vicks.
Put some under your nose
and rub some on your chest.
You sound like
you're coming down with a cold.
Nah, I know sawdust and paint,
but this... this is something else.
No Lucozade, no Mylanta.
Nothing but soy milk
and this green shit.
That's kale.
I've only heard about this.
That is one sick coconut.
Arggh! Who do you work for?!
I... I...
Who... do... you... work... for?
Oh, uh...
Don't... go... play-ing... games...
with... me!
I... am... not...
to... be... toyed... with.
Now... who... do... you... work...
OK, OK!
Stop slapping the shit out of me!
He calls himself Ron - Ron Vader!
He only calls me for jobs.
I've never met him!
All I can tell you is he sounds...
Detective Nathan,
you've proven your point.
We can't pinch him for doing his job.
He sounds kind of like...
Shut up, scumbag!
He's not the king coconut.
He's just the husk.
So, Ginny...
..I hear there was a bit of
an incident at bingo the other day.
Oh, you mean
with Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
Ooh-ah! Why, what happened?
Hang on,
who Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
Oh, you know.
That arsehole bitch who slept with my
dear Pete three years before he died.
Oh, that was 25 years ago! 27.
Well, that makes 30!
And she's as much of an arsehole
bitch now as she was back then.
Well, what happened?
Well, you know I go to bingo
every day except Monday.
Why not Monday?
Oh, come on! I'm not greedy!
Oh, I love your self-control, Ginny.
Oh, I know.
Anyway, I go to bingo on Saturday,
and who should be there?
Arsehole bitch? Yeah!
Decides to turn up
with a group of slut friends.
I think they're from a church group,
so they shouldn't even be gambling
in the first place.
Well, don't you go to church?
Do you wanna hear the story or not?
Yes. Sorry, Ginny. Go on.
Well, here I am,
a devout bingo player,
and up turns Jane Arsehole Bitch
Kerrigan and her slut friends -
all of whom, I might add,
never come to bingo - ever!
Gigglin' and carryin' on about how
they don't know what they're doing,
distracting us serious players.
Anyway, listening to their shit
for three hours,
what should happen?
That novice mole,
she wins the major jackpot!
On one sheet! I was not happy,
Marcia! I was not happy.
I can see why, Ginny.
So what happened?
Well, after she collected
her winnings,
I went up to her and I told her.
I said, 'If you were truly sorry
for sleeping with my dear Pete
all those years ago, '
she'd go halves in her winnings.
And what'd she say to that? Nah!
Said she'd paid her dues
after she helped pay
for Pete's funeral as an apology!
Oooh, I forgot about that.
But youse were right after that, eh?
Oh, we were, until that bitch
won my jackpot!
Jeez, you're deadly, Ginny.
More people should
have morals like you.
I don't think I'm cut out for this,
Aunty.
I may as well go kill myself.
Here, knock off!
Don't go talking like that.
Nah.
This is next level.
I don't think I'm cut out for it.
What you need is a two-piece feed,
bruz.
You got that soy in your system.
You're not thinkin' straight.
You know that coconuts
kill more people than pit bulls?
It's in the nature of the coconut
to fall
and it's our job
to protect the people.
We're like the helmet
of the community.
Now, you think about that.
I'm gonna go back here
and get us a feed
and you think about
whether you want to be a helmet
or you want someone dead on a beach.
Graham, your phone!
'Perkies Hardware, two-day
renovation sale this weekend.'
Sandalwood?
It's Graham!
Graham's the coconut!
Oh! I've just been hit by a car.
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel!
Oh!
Dad?
Yes, son?
Would I look funny
if I had short hair?
I don't know, son.
Ask your Uncle Jimmy.
Uh...
..maybe later.
Yeah, good idea, son.
Yeah.
Oi!
Freezing my tits off up here, bruz.
They've shrivelled up
like an old jujube berry.
What you gonna drag me up here for?
It's you. You coconut!
Here, don't go talking like that,
now. You respect your elders!
Why? Why what?
You're not right, cuz.
You're still feeling that soy.
Come down to the smoko room, eh?
I saw the photos on your phone
and the quotes from the tradies.
You had the fucking sandalwood in
the fucking car, Aunt! Why?! Why?!
'Cause I wanted more!
Haven't you wanted more?
Not when it comes to community,
Aunty.
You've gone too far.
You were the best.
Everyone talked about you.
We all wanted to be you!
I've been cracking coconuts
for ten years - ten frigging years -
what have I got to show for it?
A bloody polo shirt
from an AGM conference.
You got too greedy.
How many houses are there?
Friggin' heaps!
I got a duplex townhouse on the go
right now! A duplex, bra!
This is first-degree gentrification.
This is serious.
Your proof of Aboriginality is gonna
be taken away for a long time
and they're gonna pull
your black card from you.
Is that so... big shot?
Well, hero, who's gonna believe you?
It's your word against mine,
and you've got soy
in your system, rookie.
Yeah, well, actually,
it's your word against yours.
GRAHAM, ON RECORDING: I got a duplex
townhouse on the go right now!
A duplex, bra...
You dirty little so-and-so.
If it wasn't for me,
you black bastards would be selling
dot paintings at the market.
You'd be working at the co-op!
Yeah, that's right - youth program.
You'd be driving those friggin' kids
to the ice-skating rink
every school holiday!
Bugger that! Bridging the Gap
ain't got nothing on me.
Get your hands off me!
This ain't the end, Nathan.
There's a whole system dedicated
to letting me go!
I'll get a job network provider
and I'll get back on!
You'll see! You'll keep!
Take her away, boys.
Yeah, I'm not frightened! You bring
your mother and your sister!
I'll fight youse all!
Don't you know who I am?!
I'm Graham! Detective Graham!
And Graham - where is she?
She's still in interrogation.
She hasn't said a word.
Really?
She's a hard coconut to crack.
Alright, brother, thanks.
Graham.
Nathan.
You know that you can get
every episode of Scrubs inside?
Small victory, considering
Grey's Anatomy is contraband.
And I'm not imagining the sheets
are going to have
a three-figure thread count.
Got something to show you.
Two-piece feed, aunt.
Your favourite.
I'm on a paleo diet.
It's gonna take more than
a two-piece feed, bruz!
Oooh!
Wait! Don't answer it!
You don't know who it could be.
Who could it have been?
The bank?
Debt collectors?
No.
Something far, far more evil.
Like who?
Centrelink.
OK. I've turned it off.
It's not that easy.
My Uncle Roy, he had
a private number call him once.
Thought he could ignore it.
All day and all night,
it just kept ringing.
Didn't stop.
What happened?
One day he answered it...
..and we never saw him again.
Julie...
..I thought you said
your phone was off.
Yeah.
I'm gonna answer it. Don't.
Don't you ever answer
a private number!
I have to answer it!
It just keeps ringing!
Arggh!
Hello.
WOMAN, ON PHONE:
This is Janice from Centrelink.
Arggh!
Bastard!
Welcome to Blackfella Superstitious
Solutions. How can I help you?
WOMAN, ON PHONE: Yeah, hi.
I cut my hair last night
and apparently
you're not supposed to do that,
so I'm just calling
for confirmation.
What do you mean 'at night'?
You didn't actually cut it at night?
Well, it was dark, so, yeah,
I guess you would say night.
Uh, excuse me for a moment.
Hair! Oh!
Are you frigging kidding me?!
What was going through
that newly trimmed head of yours?
I got confused.
What do you mean 'confused'?
Are you black? Yeah, I am.
But I thought it was whistling -
that you couldn't whistle at night.
Well, of course you can't!
There's a whole heap of shit
you can't do at night.
You can't whistle,
you can't use a broom,
and you most certainly
can't cut your friggin' hair!
What do I do? How do I fix it?
You can't fix it! You're fucked!
Did you clean up your hair? Please
tell me you cleaned up your hair.
Yeah, of course I did.
I knew that part.
Never leave your hair
laying around.
Oh, God, what am I gonna do?
Why the shit did I have to buy
those clippers?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there,
Nelly, and back it up a bit!
Did you just say 'clippers'?
Yeah, I bought them yesterday.
They were on sale.
I used them to clipper my hair.
Oh, you silly bastard!
Then you got nothing to worry about.
It's only if you use scissors.
Clippers don't count.
So, I don't have anything
to worry about?
Not a thing. Now, get the fuck out
of here and stop wasting my time.
Oh! Thank you, brother.
You've saved my life!
Humph! Don't thank me,
thank your clippers.
MAN, VOICEOVER:
In the Aboriginal community,
coconut-based offences
are considered especially heinous.
The dedicated detectives who
investigate these vicious atrocities
are members of an elite squad
known as the Special Coconut Unit.
The people are real,
the cases are real.
The blacks are not.
These are their stories.
Wise up now, bruz.
You knew when you joined the unit
that you'd see some things
that would upset you.
This is the only way you'll adapt.
Thanks, brother boys.
We'll take it from here.
Bullshit, Graham.
We were here first.
This is ours.
You think you're King Dick around...
Listen here, right?
I was cracking coconuts while you
were still a snot-nosed chico baby.
This is SCU jurisdiction -
you know it and I know it.
So, you and your girlfriend here
get out of my crime scene,
get back out on the street,
or I'll have you back at the co-op
mixing cordial
for the Elders' next luncheon!
Cordial?!
It's not worth it, bruz.
Yeah, that's right -
I'm not worth it.
I AM it!
You little shit-kickers
have been living off the rep
we built in the '80s.
Eh? We did real Blakforce work!
We put the 'black' and 'force'
in Blakforce
with capital 'B', 'K', 'F'.
Buh-la-K-FOR-ce!
Now, get out of here. Go on, get!
Later, bruz.
Well, well, well.
Look what we got here.
Got a Code 42, 57, and a 93B.
Yeah. What's that?
Gentrification
with intent to assimilate,
profiting from coconut activities,
and thinking he's deadly
when he's not.
Dog!
Why did you join SCU?
I wanted to make a difference,
and I joined...
I know who you are
and I know what you do.
You wouldn't be here
if I didn't want you here.
I asked you why.
'Cause I'm sick of these coconuts
making us look like dickheads!
Is that right?
Shit! I didn't think they made
blackfellas like you anymore.
So, something like this
wouldn't bother you?
What's this?
It's a cheese knife.
It only cuts cheese.
Arggh!
It's sandalwood.
It's his calling card.
So, what we're looking at here
is the work of the Renovator.
The Renovator? Mmm.
Look at this place!
Fully furnished
and ready to go on the market.
What's sick is that
he's paid for everything.
None of this is on finance.
What?!
Look, bruz, this is
the third residence in two months.
The cooling-off period
is getting shorter.
He's got the taste for it,
and he's not gonna stop making things
better for himself until we stop him.
Right, bruz?
Let's go crack this coconut.
Oooh! Ah!
Eyah, slut! What, slut?
I'm ringing to... apologise.
Who's this?
Oh, you know who this is!
Oh, Big Budhoo Troy.
Nothing even happened!
Oh, what's that?
I can't even hear you over all the
sloppy noises your hole is making!
Nothing even happened!
Oh! What is it you want, anyway?
I'm trying to work.
I have a... a surprise for you.
Oh! What surprise?
That better not be you at the door!
I hate sluts coming to my house!
Where's Big Budhoo Troy?
Oh! Well, probably playing
with his big budhoo.
Oh, so, you didn't poke, then?
That's what I was trying to say.
Well, you want to try harder.
You wouldn't let me.
Oh, I'm letting you!
Well, let me take you out, then.
Oh! Take me where?
Where do you want to go?
Somewhere that cost a lot of money.
How much money?
Biggest mob money! Can you afford me?
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
I thought I was paying for it, slut.
I know, slut.
Well, let's just go, then, slut.
OK, slut!
Move, sluts!
My man taking me out!
Oh! This is so confusing.
What?
This... this question 2.
Let's take a rest for a little bit.
So, do... do you like stuff?
What was that?
Uh, I have to go!
I'll see you tomorrow.
OK! I'm going!
Listen, just make it happen.
Yeah, make it happen!
What was that about? Squad car.
Here's your long black.
But what did you want me to buy
the soy decaf latte for?
You're gonna drink it.
Yeah, that was a good one,
that was a good one.
To catch a coconut, you gotta live
like a coconut, think like a coconut.
Now, drink it. Nah!
I joined the division to stop
this shit. I'm not drinking this!
This is not an option,
Detective Nathan! Now, drink.
You're fucking serious, aren't you?
Yeah.
Drink it.
That's it. Knock it back, bruz.
You feel that?
That's the soy in your system.
Whoo!
My brother! Hey!
Let's have some tunes.
# SOFT ROCK
Oh! What's... what's this?!
Turn it off!
Oh, this is... Oh, no!
You gotta desensitise.
Oh, I feel sick!
This is wrong!
Car 173. We're on it.
What was that?
Another house.
Dad?
Yes, son?
Do you know how we saw we're black?
Yes, son?
Why do we say we're black
when we're actually brown?
And why do we call white people
'white'
if they're actually pink?
They're more of a peach,
don't you reckon?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, guys, the new brief
has come through,
and... it's a tricky one.
We've been asked to rebrand...
..Aboriginal.
Come again?
Aboriginality apparently needs
an overhaul because it's dated.
It's old. It's trying to sell,
but nobody's buying it.
Selling Aboriginal - I mean,
that's like advertising suicide.
If we can sell Aboriginals,
we can sell anything.
True.
So, ideas. Come at me.
Consumer-created content's
really big right now.
What if we could get people
to, like, upload a video
with hashtag 'favourite Aboriginal'
for their chance to win...
Win what? No idea.
Fake viral video. Yeah, spreads
through social media like wildfire.
Maximum growth. Bam, easy.
Yeah, so, we did a search on most
commonly used Aboriginal terms.
We got a lot of Abo memes
and videos of people fighting
Aboriginal people on trains.
Alright, alright, so, steer clear
of anything linked to reality.
Correct! That's right.
What about black?
It's the new black!
Yeah, look,
I wanna be blunt with you there.
The market research has come back
and it just seems that the most
common issue with the feedback,
it's, um... it is the colour.
Yeah, black. It's just... it's not
selling. People don't like it.
Nothing good ever came
in a black package, let's be honest.
Yep. So, no more black.
If we're gonna sell Aboriginality,
we need to steer clear
of the whole colour thing.
So, we've got to stick
with the concept of Aboriginality.
Yeah, exactly, exactly - the concept.
So, let's think Aboriginal!
What do you think of
when you think Aboriginal?
Well, they like the outdoors.
Eugh!
Makes people think of parks.
They're friendly.
Yeah, when they're asking for money.
Oldest living civilisation!
Boring!
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
We get a spokesperson, yeah?
Someone to speak on behalf
of the Aboriginal people.
Cathy Freeman? Dated.
That's, like, 15 years ago. What
have you done for us lately, Cath?
Adam Goodes!
Too threatening with the...
Mmm, yeah, look, these are all good,
but I think at the end of the day,
they're just not white enough.
Well, the only reason
Aboriginal people are black
is because other people are white.
It's instantly separating.
That's true.
Yeah, so, perhaps what we need to do
is combine Aboriginality and white
as one.
So, when you think Aboriginal,
you think white.
Yes!
Yes, exactly, but not just white.
They think... they think cool!
They think sexy, fun, fresh, new.
Aspirational!
White - it's the new black.
I like that! Oh, I like it.
Aboriginal.
# DANCE MUSIC
Aboriginal.
Aboriginal.
Aboriginal.
So... what do you think?
Look at this place. Immaculate!
He's taunting us.
I'll be fucked.
What's that smell?
It's new paint and sawdust.
This place is fresh.
Here - Vicks.
Put some under your nose
and rub some on your chest.
You sound like
you're coming down with a cold.
Nah, I know sawdust and paint,
but this... this is something else.
No Lucozade, no Mylanta.
Nothing but soy milk
and this green shit.
That's kale.
I've only heard about this.
That is one sick coconut.
Arggh! Who do you work for?!
I... I...
Who... do... you... work... for?
Oh, uh...
Don't... go... play-ing... games...
with... me!
I... am... not...
to... be... toyed... with.
Now... who... do... you... work...
OK, OK!
Stop slapping the shit out of me!
He calls himself Ron - Ron Vader!
He only calls me for jobs.
I've never met him!
All I can tell you is he sounds...
Detective Nathan,
you've proven your point.
We can't pinch him for doing his job.
He sounds kind of like...
Shut up, scumbag!
He's not the king coconut.
He's just the husk.
So, Ginny...
..I hear there was a bit of
an incident at bingo the other day.
Oh, you mean
with Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
Ooh-ah! Why, what happened?
Hang on,
who Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
Oh, you know.
That arsehole bitch who slept with my
dear Pete three years before he died.
Oh, that was 25 years ago! 27.
Well, that makes 30!
And she's as much of an arsehole
bitch now as she was back then.
Well, what happened?
Well, you know I go to bingo
every day except Monday.
Why not Monday?
Oh, come on! I'm not greedy!
Oh, I love your self-control, Ginny.
Oh, I know.
Anyway, I go to bingo on Saturday,
and who should be there?
Arsehole bitch? Yeah!
Decides to turn up
with a group of slut friends.
I think they're from a church group,
so they shouldn't even be gambling
in the first place.
Well, don't you go to church?
Do you wanna hear the story or not?
Yes. Sorry, Ginny. Go on.
Well, here I am,
a devout bingo player,
and up turns Jane Arsehole Bitch
Kerrigan and her slut friends -
all of whom, I might add,
never come to bingo - ever!
Gigglin' and carryin' on about how
they don't know what they're doing,
distracting us serious players.
Anyway, listening to their shit
for three hours,
what should happen?
That novice mole,
she wins the major jackpot!
On one sheet! I was not happy,
Marcia! I was not happy.
I can see why, Ginny.
So what happened?
Well, after she collected
her winnings,
I went up to her and I told her.
I said, 'If you were truly sorry
for sleeping with my dear Pete
all those years ago, '
she'd go halves in her winnings.
And what'd she say to that? Nah!
Said she'd paid her dues
after she helped pay
for Pete's funeral as an apology!
Oooh, I forgot about that.
But youse were right after that, eh?
Oh, we were, until that bitch
won my jackpot!
Jeez, you're deadly, Ginny.
More people should
have morals like you.
I don't think I'm cut out for this,
Aunty.
I may as well go kill myself.
Here, knock off!
Don't go talking like that.
Nah.
This is next level.
I don't think I'm cut out for it.
What you need is a two-piece feed,
bruz.
You got that soy in your system.
You're not thinkin' straight.
You know that coconuts
kill more people than pit bulls?
It's in the nature of the coconut
to fall
and it's our job
to protect the people.
We're like the helmet
of the community.
Now, you think about that.
I'm gonna go back here
and get us a feed
and you think about
whether you want to be a helmet
or you want someone dead on a beach.
Graham, your phone!
'Perkies Hardware, two-day
renovation sale this weekend.'
Sandalwood?
It's Graham!
Graham's the coconut!
Oh! I've just been hit by a car.
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel!
Oh!
Dad?
Yes, son?
Would I look funny
if I had short hair?
I don't know, son.
Ask your Uncle Jimmy.
Uh...
..maybe later.
Yeah, good idea, son.
Yeah.
Oi!
Freezing my tits off up here, bruz.
They've shrivelled up
like an old jujube berry.
What you gonna drag me up here for?
It's you. You coconut!
Here, don't go talking like that,
now. You respect your elders!
Why? Why what?
You're not right, cuz.
You're still feeling that soy.
Come down to the smoko room, eh?
I saw the photos on your phone
and the quotes from the tradies.
You had the fucking sandalwood in
the fucking car, Aunt! Why?! Why?!
'Cause I wanted more!
Haven't you wanted more?
Not when it comes to community,
Aunty.
You've gone too far.
You were the best.
Everyone talked about you.
We all wanted to be you!
I've been cracking coconuts
for ten years - ten frigging years -
what have I got to show for it?
A bloody polo shirt
from an AGM conference.
You got too greedy.
How many houses are there?
Friggin' heaps!
I got a duplex townhouse on the go
right now! A duplex, bra!
This is first-degree gentrification.
This is serious.
Your proof of Aboriginality is gonna
be taken away for a long time
and they're gonna pull
your black card from you.
Is that so... big shot?
Well, hero, who's gonna believe you?
It's your word against mine,
and you've got soy
in your system, rookie.
Yeah, well, actually,
it's your word against yours.
GRAHAM, ON RECORDING: I got a duplex
townhouse on the go right now!
A duplex, bra...
You dirty little so-and-so.
If it wasn't for me,
you black bastards would be selling
dot paintings at the market.
You'd be working at the co-op!
Yeah, that's right - youth program.
You'd be driving those friggin' kids
to the ice-skating rink
every school holiday!
Bugger that! Bridging the Gap
ain't got nothing on me.
Get your hands off me!
This ain't the end, Nathan.
There's a whole system dedicated
to letting me go!
I'll get a job network provider
and I'll get back on!
You'll see! You'll keep!
Take her away, boys.
Yeah, I'm not frightened! You bring
your mother and your sister!
I'll fight youse all!
Don't you know who I am?!
I'm Graham! Detective Graham!
And Graham - where is she?
She's still in interrogation.
She hasn't said a word.
Really?
She's a hard coconut to crack.
Alright, brother, thanks.
Graham.
Nathan.
You know that you can get
every episode of Scrubs inside?
Small victory, considering
Grey's Anatomy is contraband.
And I'm not imagining the sheets
are going to have
a three-figure thread count.
Got something to show you.
Two-piece feed, aunt.
Your favourite.
I'm on a paleo diet.
It's gonna take more than
a two-piece feed, bruz!
Oooh!