#BlackAF (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - because of slavery - full transcript
So I'm making this documentary
as a part of my application
to NYU Film School next year.
But I didn't ask my dad for any of this.
A seven-man camera crew, really?
They shot The Revenant
with less than this, okay?
I probably could've just shot this
on my Galaxy, but, hey,
apparently, my dad hates his money
and wants to make sure
that he spends every bit of it
before he dies.
So, I mean...
I might as well get what I can
while it's still here, right?
♪ Start my day up on the roof ♪
If this looks like another
douchebag shot
of another fancy Beverly Hills hotel,
that's probably because it is.
This is the Four Seasons Sunday Brunch.
I guess it's supposed to be
kind of, like, a big deal.
♪ I'm kind of like a big deal ♪
I'd have been cool with a Pop-Tart
and some OJ, but hey, that's just me.
I'm not an asshole.
So, if you can't tell,
we kind of stick out.
Hey! The manager's coming!
The manager's coming!
See, not too long ago,
my dad got some money.
He created a TV show
about a black family.
He also did a couple movies
about black people,
and that one reality show
he did with Tyra, a black supermodel.
Actually, everything he's ever done
has been black stuff
about black things, with black people.
Wow.
Now that I think about it,
he's pretty much just a racial profiteer.
Reason we're here sticking out today...
is because we're celebrating
my dad's new Netflix show.
I don't know exactly what it's about,
but pretty sure it has something to do
with black stuff.
God, he's such a one-trick pony.
- We are not doing this ever again.
- Why?
Because every week I come
and I feel the same way.
Which is what?
That we shouldn't do this ever again!
I mean, you ate enough crab legs.
We should take a week off, I think.
- Hey, man!
- A crab leg vacation?
Yo, Steve Levitan! What up, bro?
- How are you, dawg?
- I'm good.
See that guy? That's Steve Levitan.
He's not a one-trick pony.
- Good to see you.
- How you been?
I've been great.
I didn't see you in there.
Oh, you know, we're kinda keeping
a low profile. It's how we do usually.
Yeah. Hey, congrats on your new deal.
Oh, congrats on yours, dude.
I heard you did very, very, very well.
You know,
don't believe everything you read.
I knew it, so you didn't kill them.
- I did pretty good, actually.
- Fuck.
Well, this is us.
- Yeah.
- Take care of yourself, Steve.
You too, Joya.
- Wow... Wow! Nice car!
- Is that your car?
That's mine, but this is, uh,
this is sweet!
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah. Uh...
Jesus, congratulations, man.
I'd love a car like this.
What else did you get
at the Vin Diesel auction?
That's... That's very funny.
Wow. Yeah, that's...
But, I mean, if we're going to be honest,
it's a hybrid like yours.
- So there's that.
- Do...
Do not apologize.
You work hard.
You deserve a car like this.
I wish I could pull this off,
but then people would say
I'm just driving it because...
I have a small dick.
Uh, but they're not going to say that
about you.
Because I'm black?
No, because you got drunk
and pulled your dick out
at the Writer's Guild retreat.
Remember that?
- We all... we all remember that.
- I gotta go, Steve.
Oh, yeah. Shoot, that's right.
You're on Tokyo Drift time.
- Ah. Another great joke.
- Okay, fantastic. Listen...
- Continued success. Love you.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Love you too.
- Good for you.
Both.
I fucking hate white people, man.
I really fucking hate white people.
Do you not know how to use this car?
Not... Not completely. Shit.
♪ You either with me or against me, ho ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ You either with me or ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Win, win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Fuck everything else
Win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Win, yeah ♪
So, this is my house.
I guess it's pretty cool.
I mean, no, it's nice.
It's definitely nice.
I don't know, I guess the reason
I'm saying it like that
is because the truth of it is,
it's a nice house,
but it's a really nice house
for black people.
Which, for me, kind of makes it less nice.
Wow.
Maybe I am an asshole.
Inside it's always kinda messy
because there's a lot of us,
but I kind of like it like that.
There's my dad,
writing in the middle of the family room,
even though he totally has an office
he could work out of.
Dude, does that seem
like that's comfortable for me?
It's a bad idea, man.
I think he sits
in the middle of everybody
because he wants us to all know
how hard he works.
I really don't think they know
how hard I work.
Jo, can I ask you a question?
Hey, stop! Be careful, please!
- Be careful.
- Um, I gotta...
Daddy!
- You look cute. Did you shower?
- Are you good?
I did shower, yeah.
Thank you for noticing.
Dude, at that brunch, did you feel like
people were looking at us the whole time?
No.
They were staring at us the whole time,
like in our face.
- Ah!
- Like we were animals in the fucking zoo.
Well, to be fair,
we are a very attractive group of people.
Plus the sommelier had to break up
two fights that our kids were having.
Since when do you care what people think
about us when they look at us?
I don't care. I mean, I do care,
but I don't wanna care,
but I have to care.
You know what I'm saying?
Nope.
Fuck, dude.
I know I sound crazy, but I'm not, man.
This is that shit, dude.
This is real.
This is White Gaze.
I'm going to regret asking,
but what do white gay people
have to do with this?
No, not "gays." "Gaze." Like male gaze.
It's the fucked up way
white people look at us,
and kind of judge us
for every little thing we do.
I said it out loud.
I said, "I'm going to regret asking this,"
but I did it anyway.
I always do that.
This is your fault.
It's yours.
You're better than this, Jo-Jo.
Why'd you do that?
I have a really long day ahead of me,
so I'm just gonna get going.
I'm serious, dude. You saw your old boy
drove off in that dirty-ass Prius.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh?
Like, that's just nothing to you?
That's just cool?
No. That's... that's very not cool to me.
Don't placate me. I'm being serious, dude.
This is some real shit.
It's that bullshit.
You understand? This is...
tequila impresario, George Clooney,
- in that stupid pickup truck.
- Mm-hmm.
Or Matthew McConaughey
in a goddamn Lincoln.
- Mm-hmm.
- If I drove a car like that,
I'm just some broke black dude
in a shitty car,
but then if I pull up
and I'm NS-flexing,
I'm some rap monkey
who spent all his money on a whip.
Mm-hmm.
I just can't win, dude.
The white man, dude. He's unstoppable.
Not for nothing,
but I happen to love the way you look
in a car with your fancy sweatsuits.
Boss shit!
Put your hand down, dude!
What are you talking about, sweatsuits?
I didn't mention my clothes.
- What do my clothes have to do with this?
- I just meant... I was trying to, um...
A sweatsuit is very hard
for a grown man to pull off.
I'm a grown man.
I know, but I'm just saying,
if I could wear a sweatsuit every day,
I would, but I'm not you.
What is happening right now?
Wait. That came off
like a racial thing, but it's not.
- My grandfather loved sweatsuits.
- Your grandfather?
Yeah, well, technically, the nurse
couldn't fit him into regular pants
because of the diaper.
What the fuck?
This... this is what I'm talking about.
This is the world we live in.
This is the world we live in.
This guy works for me,
yet still, just dripping in pure judgment.
- Judgment feels strong.
- Does it?
- It's a strong word.
- This...
is pure, uncut, fresh off the boat,
New Balance-wearing...
- Are those Sauconys?
- Yeah, those are Sauconys.
White Gaze.
Well, um, technically,
Jews aren't, like, white-white.
- Dude, you are as white as fuck.
- Jews are white. Jews are white.
If some shit went down, you're white.
There are parts of Belgium
I can't walk through.
Right...
But let me just get this clear.
I just want to make sense of this.
So you're saying that your assistant,
who you barely pay enough
to feed himself and clothe himself,
he is the reason that you have to wear
$2,000 sweatsuits and drive fancy cars?
Race cars?
- Are you...
- That's his fault?
- Are you being serious? Or...
- I just want to know the answer.
- Yeah. I mean, no...
- I'm entitled...
...not him particularly, but yes.
Him and the rest of his...
you know, no-shoes-on-in-the-bathroom
wearing cousins,
- they forced me into this life.
- Right.
I don't want
to be super duper fly every day.
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- This is what I've been forced into.
They're turning me into a peacock, Jo.
You're next.
Are those Gucci dungarees you're wearing?
- Givenchy.
- See? You're next.
I'm gonna go to In-n-Out,
do you want anything?
- I'm sorry, I just have to ask.
- No, you don't!
- How did I turn you into a peacock?
- No. No.
Oh, you wanna do this? Let's do it.
Let's really have this conversation.
Let's really talk about this!
- You get nothing ever again.
- What?
- No fries. Anything. Nothing off-menu.
- I haven't eaten in a week, please!
You don't get protein-style, animal-style,
nothing. You're banned from In-n-Out.
I want to tell him,
and I'd like you to listen. Okay?
So, slavery's over, right?
Suddenly some benevolent white man
has just said, "You know what,
all right, darky, your 400-year
hard labor, unpaid internship is over.
Go be free."
He goes on tirades like this
at least once a week.
You learn not to listen.
You know, actually, if I'm being honest,
it's kind of calming.
You know, it's kind of like
one of those wave machines.
It's best just to nod
and pretend like you're paying attention.
Sort of like the way
frontier women did during sex.
So there we are,
fresh out of shackles, in a loincloth.
You hear what I'm saying?
You think we had on Bermuda shorts?
No, it was, whatever you have, get out.
You feel weird now, right?
- I do.
- How did we feel?
- Also probably the same way, but worse.
- Right.
It's exhausting, but to be fair,
sometimes, every now and then,
he manages to make a decent point.
It's rare, but it happens.
So, let me explain
what he's trying to say.
So there we were,
broke, uneducated,
and now forced to live
with the very same people who,
for 400 years, had oppressed us.
♪ I want a little sugar ♪
What were we supposed to do?
What would anybody do?
You think about how to make it.
How do you get accepted
in an environment like this?
Most of the time, you don't.
You just end up in jail
doing the same kind of work for free,
you just got finished doing for free.
But for anybody
who didn't want to end up in jail,
you tried to figure out a way to make it.
And the only reference we had
to when we ever
were treated halfway decent
was when we were in our Sunday best.
That's what they called the church clothes
the plantation owners bought us
to take us to church and show us off
to the other plantation owners
who were being good Christians.
It created this belief in black people
that presentation equals acceptance.
It basically put peacocking
right into our DNA.
I think that's why after all these years,
we're still doing the same dumb shit.
Right.
You know how hard it is
to keep all this up?
You don't just wake up in a Euro size 56
Valentino sweatsuit, dude.
This is a hard-fought, never-say-die,
leave it all out on the field,
constant online shopping
fucking nightmare, D.
I know how important it is to you.
Do you? Because it's Bergdorf,
Mr Porter's, Matches,
and don't let Matches not have
what you're looking for.
Then you got to fucking go Farfetch.
Farfetch. It's like, fucking,
the dark web, dude.
What else am I going to do?
I'm gonna go to Amazon?
Trust something that comes
in two and a half hours to my house?
Put it on my back, go out
and get shot by the police?
It's epigenetic coding.
It's like basic, basic science.
It's the coding of the epigenetics.
When stressful things happen to you
over a long period of time,
your DNA can literally change
to protect you.
Like if your family lived
next to a wild night club for 400 years,
it's not crazy to think
that your offspring
might be born with smaller ear drums.
Excuse me, uh, what kind of night clubs
did they have 400 years ago?
You know, joke all you want, dickhead,
but what black people went through,
your people,
fundamentally changed our DNA.
Being dripped is literally
part of who we are.
Why do we have so many names for it?
Hot, hard, ill, swaggy, icy, Gucci.
Dripped, dipped, saucy, flossy,
fresh, flames, fuego.
Sharp, suited, money,
mean, clean, smooth. Ooh.
Flex, fleeky, fire, fly, tough, tight.
Well, I'm going to keep it
completely Gucci with you.
I, for one, would be really sad
if you gave up the car,
or the clothes or the chain.
My... my chain?
Why'd you bring up my chain?
Yeah, I'm gonna be out for quite a while
and I'm not taking my phone, so...
Seriously, dude,
why would you bring up my chain?
For no reason in particular, I just...
Dude, no, it has to be
a reason in particular.
You're a lucid man who I employ,
so I think you say things for a reason.
No, I just... It's just, you know...
such a nice, dope, expensive chain
that, even though I like,
I would never get,
which I can't,
because you garnished my salary
for losing a pair of sneakers in the mail.
- It was three pairs...
- And a sweater you don't know about. Um...
Anyway, you know,
the whole thing you got going on,
you know, it's just cool.
Your whole shtick.
My shtick?
Yeah, the...
- The whole Kenya thing.
- Dude, get the fuck off my counter, man,
- I eat there.
- Oh, so... Sorry.
That Jewish kid really got to me.
♪ Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die... ♪
I mean, like, really got to me.
♪ Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die ♪
Oh, my God! Am I a coon?
♪ It takes a lot to change a man
Hell, it takes a lot to try... ♪
Do I need to change?
♪ Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die... ♪
Should I get rid
of the NS-flexing?
♪ Nobody knows
What awaits for the dead ♪
♪ Nobody knows
what awaits for the dead ♪
NS-flexing? Did he say that?
They're never letting him
out of that lease.
Every single inch of that thing
is customized.
Spoiler, brake calipers, engine covers.
I begged him not to get it. Begged him.
Hold on, wait. She said she begged me?
Better buy this shit right now.
I swear to God if you don't buy this shit,
I will go fuck somebody
with this exact same car.
Do not test me.
Whoo! Ooh, buy this shit!
My mother.
- I'm sorry.
- Whoo!
That's how I felt.
Are there, like, any other changes
that you're thinking about?
Oh, like, I guess I...
I could tone down my clothes a bit.
You know, sort of more normal.
J. Crew khaki
with a nice, like, L.L. Bean fleece.
That could work.
Yeah, right.
He's going to do that?
Have you seen his closet?
He's basically one giant sweatsuit.
The man just has
what he calls "athleisure wear"
which is an insult
to both athletics and leisure.
He can't work out to save his life.
He has a trainer who comes twice a week,
$200 a session, cash.
Pushes him hard.
All right, here comes your R.
Fifty you miss.
Thousand.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- You're up to eight thousand.
Okay, Dad, so we've covered your clothes,
your cars, your money.
So I think it's obvious
the thing you need to get rid of.
I'm not divorcing your mom.
Has it crossed my mind? Sure.
I'm a grown man with a pretty fair amount
of disposable income, but no.
I mean, if I had maybe talked
to a lawyer here or there...
I'm talking about the chain, Dad.
Do you really need that thing?
What?
Can we... Can we cut this? Can we cut this?
Yo, my man, like, can we cut this?
- Are we off?
- Yeah.
- We cut.
- Yo, what the fuck, dude?
Oh, my God!
Seriously, you ungrateful little shit,
I'm paying for all this
for you to go to college.
I know. I'm trying to interview you
and you're throwing a temper tantrum,
for what?
Because you know what I'm going through
right now!
- You're a 40-year-old man, Dad.
- It's my... it's my chain!
- It's my chain. It's my chain!
- This is a little too much.
Ah...
Did you get that?
What's happening?
Uh... nothing.
Uh, your, uh...
Someone needs to go shopping.
There's not much in the fridge.
- Then you should go shopping, dude.
- Okay.
What part of this job are you not getting?
'Cause I feel like it's constant,
like, it's the basics
that we have to talk about.
Shopping.
- Assisting.
- Assisting. Right.
And that includes shopping.
Dude, I'm getting rid of the chain, dude.
Let's not talk about it.
You should be happy.
You're getting your wish.
I'm dumping the piece.
- I didn't tell you to get rid of it.
- What're you talking about, dude?
You called it my shtick
in front of my wife, who I have sex with.
It's not my fault you got insulted.
- First of all, I don't need to know...
- Okay, anyway... Hello?
Hey, how are you, sir?
Um... yeah,
I'm... I'm looking to get rid of my chain.
Yeah. It's... It's, uh, you know,
it's your classic rope.
I guess it's a figaro, 75 grams.
Why would I buy 75 grams
of 14 karat gold?
You want me to talk to him?
- Why would I want you to speak to them?
- Just if you need help.
I don't know that you own a pair of socks.
- I don't... I...
- Hello?
Uh, yeah, you know what, sir? Actually,
can I just speak to your manager?
You know, I'm getting a call.
I'll call back, sir.
What's up, Bearby?
Okay, so I need your opinion
on something.
What do you think?
- What the fuck is going on right now?
- What do you mean?
Is that... Is that real?
Why is your hair that color?
Well, I dyed it.
Yeah, I can see you dyed it.
Why... Why would you do that?
Well, obviously,
because I thought it'd be cute.
Well, it's not. Like, at all.
Like, at all.
- You're such a dick!
- You...
Bearby...
Jo.
Let me ask you a question,
and I want you to be honest.
Do you know what Chloe did?
Um... no?
Wait, yes. Hold on.
It's hard to know what to do
in these situations.
Plausible deniability
is normally my go-to.
If I don't know what Chloe's done,
it means I don't lose hours of my life
getting into it with your dad.
But if I don't know what Chloe's done,
I'm basically admitting
that I'm not a good mom,
which makes him the better... parent.
Which we all know, at the end of the day,
is what he wants.
You think you might be
overthinking this?
I mean,
that's what he wants you to think.
Yes. Yes, I do. I know what Chloe did.
You know what she did
and you're okay with it?
Wait, hold on. What did she do?
I have no idea.
Oh, my God, is she okay? Please, God,
tell me she's okay. I'm such a bad mom.
She has purple hair, Jo.
Oh. That? Yeah, I knew about her hair.
I think it's cute.
That shit's not cute.
It looks crazy, dude.
Our daughter can't walk around
looking like some kind of little thot.
A thot stands for "that ho over there."
He must be getting that
from Instagram comments,
because literally
no one says that anymore.
But, I mean, he's absolutely right.
Chloe's got the flat tummy tea,
the waist trainers,
practically lives in Fashion Nova,
just textbook thottage.
Well, if the worst thing she ever does
is have purple hair,
we're good.
Oh, my God, you're such a bad mom.
Like, a failure.
Hey!
Yo, what's up, birthday boy?
How was school?
Awful. No one said "happy birthday."
What? I thought you brought
doughnuts for the whole class?
Those kids don't care about me.
They only cared about the doughnuts.
Oh, sweetie.
Now breathe, you have to breathe. Breathe.
Slower. In, out. In and out.
Deep breath. There you go. Feel better?
I just... I really thought
this was going to be my year.
Guess not. Maybe next year, bud.
It's not too late!
I mean, you still have seven hours left
of your birthday, so let's say...
Let's do something fun. You know?
Just you and me. What do you say?
Thanks, but I just...
I think I want to put this one behind me.
You sure? No movies? No pizza?
No, I want to just go up to my room
and be alone with my thoughts.
That's the spirit.
Kid's a mess.
You're not gonna go talk to him?
What? I thought this was your thing now.
My thing?
So my mom used to be a lawyer,
but she quit
because, you know,
she had all these kids...
- Uh, excuse me. I still am a lawyer.
- We're in the middle of an interview.
Still in very good standing
with the California Bar Association,
an active member.
I was also the editor of my law review,
I clerked for Justice Ginsburg.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first black woman
to do that,
but, you know, life changes
and, uh, Kenya and I made a decision
that I would stay home with the family,
and it's been great.
It's been great to be a mommy,
dabble in some new stuff
and spend quality time with my husband,
which is really, really, really great
and we're so happy,
very happy we made this decision together.
It's great.
You already said that, Mom.
Okay, good.
Well, that's 'cause it's great.
I shit the diaper, Mommy.
I don't know too much about kids,
but he speaks really well for his age.
It's fine. Everything's fine. I got it.
Look at this kid. Face of an angel, right?
Biggest liar in the world.
Still fine! Everything is so fine.
I... I got this.
Just an insatiably compulsive,
pathological fucking liar.
Stink!
Wh... What's up?
All right.
Izzy, do you want to explain
why your face is blurred?
Because this thing is stupid.
I'm sorry, uh, do you mind
putting your answer in your question?
Oh, sure.
My face is blurred
because this thing is stupid,
so I won't sign the waiver
and I don't want to have
anything to do with this thing.
But this "thing" is a documentary
to help me get into film school.
Come on, dude.
We both know this isn't for you.
Dad's just going to take this footage
and sell it.
It's who he is.
But, if he does...
Excuse me. When he does,
the leverage I'll have will be incredible.
There's even a chance
I could get a "Created by."
The way her mind works,
it's just amazing.
And scary.
She has no code.
We're all very afraid of her here.
Okay, Dad, um, before we start,
I'm gonna need you to sign something.
- What?
- Really quickly.
What is this?
Since you're Izzy's legal guardian,
if you sign this,
I don't have to blur her face.
Does she...
Does she know that I'm signing this?
Well, obviously not.
Will she know that I signed this?
- No, I won't tell her, Dad.
- Okay.
Thank you. I mean,
she's going to see it after, but...
you're... you're cool. It's... It's good.
You're okay, right?
It's fine.
You know, I have to stay here with her.
So do I. I mean...
But you didn't sign anything.
I'm doing this, Dad.
No, fuck that. Give me that back.
- Dad, I...
- No, I'm not...
- This is for school.
- I'm not signing that.
- You're scared of a 13-year-old.
- I know what she's capable of.
I'm terrified of her.
We're all very afraid of her.
You gonna finish those Samoas?
I... I was.
Come on, Pops. Cheer up.
Maybe they just didn't know
it was your birthday.
They knew.
The teacher wrote it up on the board
right next to the homework.
You literally can't miss it.
I was helping those kids and no one cares.
You know,
maybe you should just end it all.
- I can help you.
- Izzy!
- What?
- Stop.
It's only gonna get worse from here.
♪ I got hoes calling ♪
♪ A young nigga phone ♪
♪ Where's Ali
With the motherfucking dope? ♪
Okay, so Mom, maybe you wanna just, like,
explain what you're doing
and who you're with.
Who we're with?
Yeah.
You mean John and Kara?
Yes, Mom, set the scene.
Come on, we're literally weeks into this
and you still don't know how this works?
Right! Sorry. Okay.
So John and Kara are people
I went to law school with.
Kara has just moved out here
because she got a big job with Greenpeace,
and I just thought, if I ever want
to start practicing law again,
it's a good door to keep open.
Plus, I wanted to just
catch up with my old friend.
Isn't this the "friend" that you refer to
as "the worst kind of white liberal"?
Oh, yeah.
Kara's an insufferable asshole,
don't get it twisted.
But, you know,
I thought I'd welcome her to town and...
just remind her
that I'm a better lawyer than her
and if I wanted to,
I could come for her job.
Wow.
Oh, stop it. You know I'm petty.
I don't try to hide that fact.
- Oh, my God.
- It's who I am.
So ever since I took
the general counsel job at Greenpeace...
- Oh, my God, congratulations. That's big.
- Congratulations.
Thank you, I know.
I just, I've been trying
to make a really conscientious effort
to reduce my carbon footprint.
- I guess both of us, right?
- Yeah.
Just, downsizing to a smaller house,
cutting back on our electricity,
just living simpler lives.
You know, it's good for the planet,
good for us.
- Yeah.
- It's great for the planet, you know?
Yeah, I get that.
Do you?
I... Uh, yeah.
Sorry, I just...
I remember you in law school, like,
I don't know, she was...
I just always remembered you,
like, defending the bad guys.
Like, the big corporate conglomerate,
you know?
Like big tobacco
and a lot of people thought...
I'm surprised you would say that.
I mean, you should know
better than anyone that
everybody is deserving of counsel. Right?
I mean, you can't decide
who the bad guys are, you don't know.
You kinda do though, right?
You don't have to be twirling a mustache
to know it's a bad guy.
But I guess it's been so long
since you've worked,
I've just forgotten
what kind of law you practice.
Jesus Christ, it's Robert De Niro.
Oh, yeah. Bobby!
Bobby! Bobby D! Bo...
He didn't see me.
Yeah, we were founding members
of this club together.
- We were?
- Mm-hmm.
Is it hard to get into?
- Not... I mean...
- Super duper, duper hard.
Like, virtually impossible, like...
Illuminati level.
Yes. It's hard. It's...
Yeah, it was an application.
Anyway, what were you saying about
your tiny, tiny house with no electricity?
It's who I am.
Anyway, you guys were talking about
taking a trip somewhere?
Yes.
Yes, we're gonna take a nice, long,
relaxing, emissions-free drive
up the coast to San Fran.
John bought a Volt. Pre-owned.
A... A Volp?
- Volt.
- Volt.
It's a electric car.
You don't worry. You'll never see one.
Like a Tesla?
Uh, no. It's in the family.
But our therapist said that the open road
can be a great release for a relationship.
Oh, my God,
are you having marital problems?
I'm sorry,
I... I meant, that's...
That sounds rough. I'm sorry.
Thanks, but we're gonna be okay.
I believe in us.
Plus, we're just adding anal
to the repertoire, so...
Whoa.
That's always good.
So, um...
San Francisco's supposed to be great.
Yes. San Francisco, right.
Uh, yeah, should be a good time.
In fact, I don't know
what you're doing this weekend,
but the Bay is supposed to be beautiful
at this time of year.
- I can imagine.
- Yeah, in fact, on Saturday night,
the Warriors are having this family fest.
Oh, I fuck with G State.
Tickets, two-for-one,
and unlimited beverages
as long as you bring your own Thermos.
Wow! That's a real steal.
So, hold on, I have to bring a Thermos
to a game?
- Yeah.
- You don't have to do anything.
I don't think this trip
is really their speed.
We're gonna be camping under the stars,
just outside the city all weekend.
Well, it's not... It's more like glamping.
Oh, glamping. I fuck with glamping.
You fuck with glamping?
When have you fucked with glamping?
I'm just saying
it's glamorous camping, right?
Yes!
Hey, if you two are interested,
I bet there's still
a couple yurts available.
- Yurts?
- Yurt? Spell that.
It's like a tent, you know?
Oh. Just say "tent."
But the correct way is "yurt."
It's disrespectful to, uh, certain people.
- Who?
- Um, aboriginal, I believe.
You're just going to an aboriginal
San Franciscan camping trip?
Yeah.
Oh! This is my daughter calling
from USC film school.
I don't know if you've heard of it?
They call it the Harvard of the West.
I think that's Stanford.
It's totally Stanford.
- Hi, babe!
- Hey, Mom.
- I need to speak to her.
- No, I don't want to talk to him.
- She doesn't... Please don't do this now.
- Don't give a fuck. I don't care.
Do you want books?
Do you want tuition?
She's really grown up. Hey!
Look at that hair! Purple?
Jo, you're one of those cool moms, huh?
- So hip-hop, girl.
- Lit!
- Litty.
- Litty!
Litty.
I'm gonna go.
So hip-hop, huh?
What... what do you mean by that?
I just... You know, that she's, like...
super trendy, you know,
like Jay-Z, or like Cardi B.
Oh, I love Cardi B.
Oh, my God, that song with Maroon 5.
Mm.
There it was. Fresh, pure, uncut,
straight off the boat, nose bleed
in the greatest night of your life
White Gaze.
You were right.
Thanks, babe.
Racism. Bet on it.
You know that Cardi B
is, like, super successful.
No, yeah. She's so fun.
Okurrr!
By "so fun" do you mean
she literally ended
the government shutdown with one tweet?
By "so fun" do you mean
the first female rapper
to reach number one
on the Billboard Hot 100 and win a Grammy?
- You guys know a lot about Cardi B.
- It's a lot.
She's so fun!
You guys also know a lot
about purple hair.
For future reference,
I have no interest in your opinion
about my daughter or her hair.
That's just if we're keeping it real.
I mean, we might argue
amongst ourselves,
but if you come for our family,
you gonna get that smoke.
- You don't want that smoke.
- Mm-mm.
- Blahp, blahp, blahp.
- Brr, brr!
Now that I think about it,
maybe we will go to San Francisco.
We're not fucking with a yurt,
but we can get a huge suite
at the Ritz Carlton, right?
Pop some Cristal, you know,
on some hip-hop shit.
Hip-hop shit.
And maybe hit up
that Warriors' game? Right?
- We gotta go there.
- Dub City.
Courtside seats, of course.
Nobody's doing Thermoses.
- I mean, we're not animals.
- No.
And we should call Jermaine
and see if we could fly up there
instead of taking the Volp.
Yeah, but apparently,
that drive is so nice, right?
It's a really nice drive.
I'm gonna tell you this,
you know what it's not as nice as?
A private jet.
So, you know how, in most marriages,
there's, like, a balance?
If... If one person eats too much,
then the other person eats like a bird?
Or if one person drinks too much,
then the other one's sober?
- Yeah, that's not our parents.
- No.
Yeah, they're both
just equally horrible people.
- The worst.
- Exactly! Oh, my gosh.
When it comes to, like, pettiness,
fiscal irresponsibility, and basically,
being on the same page
about the wrong shit...
- they're like the Menendez brothers.
- Okay, no.
They're not like the Menendez brothers.
They are the Menendez brothers.
- Yeah.
- Boom.
- So... we should skedaddle.
- Yeah.
Aw.
- So soon?
- Oh, right. Uh...
- No, no, we got this.
- No, no, no
Literally nothing to us.
- It's hip-hop shit.
- Hip-hop shit.
- Okay.
- See you in San Fran.
- Yes.
- Oh.
Thermos boys!
- Yes.
- That's my guy.
Right.
Um, you know, the valet's a cash valet.
- Oh, I'm good.
- Oh, you guys need cash?
We got cash.
- Make sure you take care of him?
- No, I am all good.
Please take care of him.
No, come on.
Do not take their cash.
We are not going to San Francisco, right?
Fuck no!
Come on.
- I love you, babe.
- I love you too.
You know what?
I'm actually glad I kept this thing, dude.
Yeah, live your life.
I'm not gonna let other people
define my stuff for me.
No, you're successful, you deserve it.
I agree. I'm gonna be happy with who I am.
Oh, look! Scooter Braun.
- Scooter B!
- Oh. Hey, how are you, buddy?
- Long time no see. Hey, how are you?
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- You as well.
- What's going on?
- You know, just working.
Just killing the game, though,
I mean, Ariana,
- Justin, Demi.
- Thank you, appreciate it.
You know, he's doing pretty well.
I heard about the Netflix deal.
Congratulations.
Coming to America. Incredible.
Thanks, man. Next time we're in town,
- let's please do it for real.
- I'd love that.
- Great seeing you. Take care. Honestly.
- You too.
By the way, nice chain.
Any last comments about the dinner
or anything? Just...
I fucking hate white people.
I do.
I tried not to, but...
this is where I'm at.
And I'm just gonna...
I fucking... I fucking hate white people.
Okay.
- Mom!
- Shh! Daddy's working.
as a part of my application
to NYU Film School next year.
But I didn't ask my dad for any of this.
A seven-man camera crew, really?
They shot The Revenant
with less than this, okay?
I probably could've just shot this
on my Galaxy, but, hey,
apparently, my dad hates his money
and wants to make sure
that he spends every bit of it
before he dies.
So, I mean...
I might as well get what I can
while it's still here, right?
♪ Start my day up on the roof ♪
If this looks like another
douchebag shot
of another fancy Beverly Hills hotel,
that's probably because it is.
This is the Four Seasons Sunday Brunch.
I guess it's supposed to be
kind of, like, a big deal.
♪ I'm kind of like a big deal ♪
I'd have been cool with a Pop-Tart
and some OJ, but hey, that's just me.
I'm not an asshole.
So, if you can't tell,
we kind of stick out.
Hey! The manager's coming!
The manager's coming!
See, not too long ago,
my dad got some money.
He created a TV show
about a black family.
He also did a couple movies
about black people,
and that one reality show
he did with Tyra, a black supermodel.
Actually, everything he's ever done
has been black stuff
about black things, with black people.
Wow.
Now that I think about it,
he's pretty much just a racial profiteer.
Reason we're here sticking out today...
is because we're celebrating
my dad's new Netflix show.
I don't know exactly what it's about,
but pretty sure it has something to do
with black stuff.
God, he's such a one-trick pony.
- We are not doing this ever again.
- Why?
Because every week I come
and I feel the same way.
Which is what?
That we shouldn't do this ever again!
I mean, you ate enough crab legs.
We should take a week off, I think.
- Hey, man!
- A crab leg vacation?
Yo, Steve Levitan! What up, bro?
- How are you, dawg?
- I'm good.
See that guy? That's Steve Levitan.
He's not a one-trick pony.
- Good to see you.
- How you been?
I've been great.
I didn't see you in there.
Oh, you know, we're kinda keeping
a low profile. It's how we do usually.
Yeah. Hey, congrats on your new deal.
Oh, congrats on yours, dude.
I heard you did very, very, very well.
You know,
don't believe everything you read.
I knew it, so you didn't kill them.
- I did pretty good, actually.
- Fuck.
Well, this is us.
- Yeah.
- Take care of yourself, Steve.
You too, Joya.
- Wow... Wow! Nice car!
- Is that your car?
That's mine, but this is, uh,
this is sweet!
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah. Uh...
Jesus, congratulations, man.
I'd love a car like this.
What else did you get
at the Vin Diesel auction?
That's... That's very funny.
Wow. Yeah, that's...
But, I mean, if we're going to be honest,
it's a hybrid like yours.
- So there's that.
- Do...
Do not apologize.
You work hard.
You deserve a car like this.
I wish I could pull this off,
but then people would say
I'm just driving it because...
I have a small dick.
Uh, but they're not going to say that
about you.
Because I'm black?
No, because you got drunk
and pulled your dick out
at the Writer's Guild retreat.
Remember that?
- We all... we all remember that.
- I gotta go, Steve.
Oh, yeah. Shoot, that's right.
You're on Tokyo Drift time.
- Ah. Another great joke.
- Okay, fantastic. Listen...
- Continued success. Love you.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Love you too.
- Good for you.
Both.
I fucking hate white people, man.
I really fucking hate white people.
Do you not know how to use this car?
Not... Not completely. Shit.
♪ You either with me or against me, ho ♪
♪ Ho ♪
♪ You either with me or ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Win, win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Fuck everything else
Win, win, win, win ♪
♪ Win, yeah ♪
So, this is my house.
I guess it's pretty cool.
I mean, no, it's nice.
It's definitely nice.
I don't know, I guess the reason
I'm saying it like that
is because the truth of it is,
it's a nice house,
but it's a really nice house
for black people.
Which, for me, kind of makes it less nice.
Wow.
Maybe I am an asshole.
Inside it's always kinda messy
because there's a lot of us,
but I kind of like it like that.
There's my dad,
writing in the middle of the family room,
even though he totally has an office
he could work out of.
Dude, does that seem
like that's comfortable for me?
It's a bad idea, man.
I think he sits
in the middle of everybody
because he wants us to all know
how hard he works.
I really don't think they know
how hard I work.
Jo, can I ask you a question?
Hey, stop! Be careful, please!
- Be careful.
- Um, I gotta...
Daddy!
- You look cute. Did you shower?
- Are you good?
I did shower, yeah.
Thank you for noticing.
Dude, at that brunch, did you feel like
people were looking at us the whole time?
No.
They were staring at us the whole time,
like in our face.
- Ah!
- Like we were animals in the fucking zoo.
Well, to be fair,
we are a very attractive group of people.
Plus the sommelier had to break up
two fights that our kids were having.
Since when do you care what people think
about us when they look at us?
I don't care. I mean, I do care,
but I don't wanna care,
but I have to care.
You know what I'm saying?
Nope.
Fuck, dude.
I know I sound crazy, but I'm not, man.
This is that shit, dude.
This is real.
This is White Gaze.
I'm going to regret asking,
but what do white gay people
have to do with this?
No, not "gays." "Gaze." Like male gaze.
It's the fucked up way
white people look at us,
and kind of judge us
for every little thing we do.
I said it out loud.
I said, "I'm going to regret asking this,"
but I did it anyway.
I always do that.
This is your fault.
It's yours.
You're better than this, Jo-Jo.
Why'd you do that?
I have a really long day ahead of me,
so I'm just gonna get going.
I'm serious, dude. You saw your old boy
drove off in that dirty-ass Prius.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh?
Like, that's just nothing to you?
That's just cool?
No. That's... that's very not cool to me.
Don't placate me. I'm being serious, dude.
This is some real shit.
It's that bullshit.
You understand? This is...
tequila impresario, George Clooney,
- in that stupid pickup truck.
- Mm-hmm.
Or Matthew McConaughey
in a goddamn Lincoln.
- Mm-hmm.
- If I drove a car like that,
I'm just some broke black dude
in a shitty car,
but then if I pull up
and I'm NS-flexing,
I'm some rap monkey
who spent all his money on a whip.
Mm-hmm.
I just can't win, dude.
The white man, dude. He's unstoppable.
Not for nothing,
but I happen to love the way you look
in a car with your fancy sweatsuits.
Boss shit!
Put your hand down, dude!
What are you talking about, sweatsuits?
I didn't mention my clothes.
- What do my clothes have to do with this?
- I just meant... I was trying to, um...
A sweatsuit is very hard
for a grown man to pull off.
I'm a grown man.
I know, but I'm just saying,
if I could wear a sweatsuit every day,
I would, but I'm not you.
What is happening right now?
Wait. That came off
like a racial thing, but it's not.
- My grandfather loved sweatsuits.
- Your grandfather?
Yeah, well, technically, the nurse
couldn't fit him into regular pants
because of the diaper.
What the fuck?
This... this is what I'm talking about.
This is the world we live in.
This is the world we live in.
This guy works for me,
yet still, just dripping in pure judgment.
- Judgment feels strong.
- Does it?
- It's a strong word.
- This...
is pure, uncut, fresh off the boat,
New Balance-wearing...
- Are those Sauconys?
- Yeah, those are Sauconys.
White Gaze.
Well, um, technically,
Jews aren't, like, white-white.
- Dude, you are as white as fuck.
- Jews are white. Jews are white.
If some shit went down, you're white.
There are parts of Belgium
I can't walk through.
Right...
But let me just get this clear.
I just want to make sense of this.
So you're saying that your assistant,
who you barely pay enough
to feed himself and clothe himself,
he is the reason that you have to wear
$2,000 sweatsuits and drive fancy cars?
Race cars?
- Are you...
- That's his fault?
- Are you being serious? Or...
- I just want to know the answer.
- Yeah. I mean, no...
- I'm entitled...
...not him particularly, but yes.
Him and the rest of his...
you know, no-shoes-on-in-the-bathroom
wearing cousins,
- they forced me into this life.
- Right.
I don't want
to be super duper fly every day.
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- This is what I've been forced into.
They're turning me into a peacock, Jo.
You're next.
Are those Gucci dungarees you're wearing?
- Givenchy.
- See? You're next.
I'm gonna go to In-n-Out,
do you want anything?
- I'm sorry, I just have to ask.
- No, you don't!
- How did I turn you into a peacock?
- No. No.
Oh, you wanna do this? Let's do it.
Let's really have this conversation.
Let's really talk about this!
- You get nothing ever again.
- What?
- No fries. Anything. Nothing off-menu.
- I haven't eaten in a week, please!
You don't get protein-style, animal-style,
nothing. You're banned from In-n-Out.
I want to tell him,
and I'd like you to listen. Okay?
So, slavery's over, right?
Suddenly some benevolent white man
has just said, "You know what,
all right, darky, your 400-year
hard labor, unpaid internship is over.
Go be free."
He goes on tirades like this
at least once a week.
You learn not to listen.
You know, actually, if I'm being honest,
it's kind of calming.
You know, it's kind of like
one of those wave machines.
It's best just to nod
and pretend like you're paying attention.
Sort of like the way
frontier women did during sex.
So there we are,
fresh out of shackles, in a loincloth.
You hear what I'm saying?
You think we had on Bermuda shorts?
No, it was, whatever you have, get out.
You feel weird now, right?
- I do.
- How did we feel?
- Also probably the same way, but worse.
- Right.
It's exhausting, but to be fair,
sometimes, every now and then,
he manages to make a decent point.
It's rare, but it happens.
So, let me explain
what he's trying to say.
So there we were,
broke, uneducated,
and now forced to live
with the very same people who,
for 400 years, had oppressed us.
♪ I want a little sugar ♪
What were we supposed to do?
What would anybody do?
You think about how to make it.
How do you get accepted
in an environment like this?
Most of the time, you don't.
You just end up in jail
doing the same kind of work for free,
you just got finished doing for free.
But for anybody
who didn't want to end up in jail,
you tried to figure out a way to make it.
And the only reference we had
to when we ever
were treated halfway decent
was when we were in our Sunday best.
That's what they called the church clothes
the plantation owners bought us
to take us to church and show us off
to the other plantation owners
who were being good Christians.
It created this belief in black people
that presentation equals acceptance.
It basically put peacocking
right into our DNA.
I think that's why after all these years,
we're still doing the same dumb shit.
Right.
You know how hard it is
to keep all this up?
You don't just wake up in a Euro size 56
Valentino sweatsuit, dude.
This is a hard-fought, never-say-die,
leave it all out on the field,
constant online shopping
fucking nightmare, D.
I know how important it is to you.
Do you? Because it's Bergdorf,
Mr Porter's, Matches,
and don't let Matches not have
what you're looking for.
Then you got to fucking go Farfetch.
Farfetch. It's like, fucking,
the dark web, dude.
What else am I going to do?
I'm gonna go to Amazon?
Trust something that comes
in two and a half hours to my house?
Put it on my back, go out
and get shot by the police?
It's epigenetic coding.
It's like basic, basic science.
It's the coding of the epigenetics.
When stressful things happen to you
over a long period of time,
your DNA can literally change
to protect you.
Like if your family lived
next to a wild night club for 400 years,
it's not crazy to think
that your offspring
might be born with smaller ear drums.
Excuse me, uh, what kind of night clubs
did they have 400 years ago?
You know, joke all you want, dickhead,
but what black people went through,
your people,
fundamentally changed our DNA.
Being dripped is literally
part of who we are.
Why do we have so many names for it?
Hot, hard, ill, swaggy, icy, Gucci.
Dripped, dipped, saucy, flossy,
fresh, flames, fuego.
Sharp, suited, money,
mean, clean, smooth. Ooh.
Flex, fleeky, fire, fly, tough, tight.
Well, I'm going to keep it
completely Gucci with you.
I, for one, would be really sad
if you gave up the car,
or the clothes or the chain.
My... my chain?
Why'd you bring up my chain?
Yeah, I'm gonna be out for quite a while
and I'm not taking my phone, so...
Seriously, dude,
why would you bring up my chain?
For no reason in particular, I just...
Dude, no, it has to be
a reason in particular.
You're a lucid man who I employ,
so I think you say things for a reason.
No, I just... It's just, you know...
such a nice, dope, expensive chain
that, even though I like,
I would never get,
which I can't,
because you garnished my salary
for losing a pair of sneakers in the mail.
- It was three pairs...
- And a sweater you don't know about. Um...
Anyway, you know,
the whole thing you got going on,
you know, it's just cool.
Your whole shtick.
My shtick?
Yeah, the...
- The whole Kenya thing.
- Dude, get the fuck off my counter, man,
- I eat there.
- Oh, so... Sorry.
That Jewish kid really got to me.
♪ Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die... ♪
I mean, like, really got to me.
♪ Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die ♪
Oh, my God! Am I a coon?
♪ It takes a lot to change a man
Hell, it takes a lot to try... ♪
Do I need to change?
♪ Maybe it's time
To let the old ways die... ♪
Should I get rid
of the NS-flexing?
♪ Nobody knows
What awaits for the dead ♪
♪ Nobody knows
what awaits for the dead ♪
NS-flexing? Did he say that?
They're never letting him
out of that lease.
Every single inch of that thing
is customized.
Spoiler, brake calipers, engine covers.
I begged him not to get it. Begged him.
Hold on, wait. She said she begged me?
Better buy this shit right now.
I swear to God if you don't buy this shit,
I will go fuck somebody
with this exact same car.
Do not test me.
Whoo! Ooh, buy this shit!
My mother.
- I'm sorry.
- Whoo!
That's how I felt.
Are there, like, any other changes
that you're thinking about?
Oh, like, I guess I...
I could tone down my clothes a bit.
You know, sort of more normal.
J. Crew khaki
with a nice, like, L.L. Bean fleece.
That could work.
Yeah, right.
He's going to do that?
Have you seen his closet?
He's basically one giant sweatsuit.
The man just has
what he calls "athleisure wear"
which is an insult
to both athletics and leisure.
He can't work out to save his life.
He has a trainer who comes twice a week,
$200 a session, cash.
Pushes him hard.
All right, here comes your R.
Fifty you miss.
Thousand.
- Fuck! Fuck!
- You're up to eight thousand.
Okay, Dad, so we've covered your clothes,
your cars, your money.
So I think it's obvious
the thing you need to get rid of.
I'm not divorcing your mom.
Has it crossed my mind? Sure.
I'm a grown man with a pretty fair amount
of disposable income, but no.
I mean, if I had maybe talked
to a lawyer here or there...
I'm talking about the chain, Dad.
Do you really need that thing?
What?
Can we... Can we cut this? Can we cut this?
Yo, my man, like, can we cut this?
- Are we off?
- Yeah.
- We cut.
- Yo, what the fuck, dude?
Oh, my God!
Seriously, you ungrateful little shit,
I'm paying for all this
for you to go to college.
I know. I'm trying to interview you
and you're throwing a temper tantrum,
for what?
Because you know what I'm going through
right now!
- You're a 40-year-old man, Dad.
- It's my... it's my chain!
- It's my chain. It's my chain!
- This is a little too much.
Ah...
Did you get that?
What's happening?
Uh... nothing.
Uh, your, uh...
Someone needs to go shopping.
There's not much in the fridge.
- Then you should go shopping, dude.
- Okay.
What part of this job are you not getting?
'Cause I feel like it's constant,
like, it's the basics
that we have to talk about.
Shopping.
- Assisting.
- Assisting. Right.
And that includes shopping.
Dude, I'm getting rid of the chain, dude.
Let's not talk about it.
You should be happy.
You're getting your wish.
I'm dumping the piece.
- I didn't tell you to get rid of it.
- What're you talking about, dude?
You called it my shtick
in front of my wife, who I have sex with.
It's not my fault you got insulted.
- First of all, I don't need to know...
- Okay, anyway... Hello?
Hey, how are you, sir?
Um... yeah,
I'm... I'm looking to get rid of my chain.
Yeah. It's... It's, uh, you know,
it's your classic rope.
I guess it's a figaro, 75 grams.
Why would I buy 75 grams
of 14 karat gold?
You want me to talk to him?
- Why would I want you to speak to them?
- Just if you need help.
I don't know that you own a pair of socks.
- I don't... I...
- Hello?
Uh, yeah, you know what, sir? Actually,
can I just speak to your manager?
You know, I'm getting a call.
I'll call back, sir.
What's up, Bearby?
Okay, so I need your opinion
on something.
What do you think?
- What the fuck is going on right now?
- What do you mean?
Is that... Is that real?
Why is your hair that color?
Well, I dyed it.
Yeah, I can see you dyed it.
Why... Why would you do that?
Well, obviously,
because I thought it'd be cute.
Well, it's not. Like, at all.
Like, at all.
- You're such a dick!
- You...
Bearby...
Jo.
Let me ask you a question,
and I want you to be honest.
Do you know what Chloe did?
Um... no?
Wait, yes. Hold on.
It's hard to know what to do
in these situations.
Plausible deniability
is normally my go-to.
If I don't know what Chloe's done,
it means I don't lose hours of my life
getting into it with your dad.
But if I don't know what Chloe's done,
I'm basically admitting
that I'm not a good mom,
which makes him the better... parent.
Which we all know, at the end of the day,
is what he wants.
You think you might be
overthinking this?
I mean,
that's what he wants you to think.
Yes. Yes, I do. I know what Chloe did.
You know what she did
and you're okay with it?
Wait, hold on. What did she do?
I have no idea.
Oh, my God, is she okay? Please, God,
tell me she's okay. I'm such a bad mom.
She has purple hair, Jo.
Oh. That? Yeah, I knew about her hair.
I think it's cute.
That shit's not cute.
It looks crazy, dude.
Our daughter can't walk around
looking like some kind of little thot.
A thot stands for "that ho over there."
He must be getting that
from Instagram comments,
because literally
no one says that anymore.
But, I mean, he's absolutely right.
Chloe's got the flat tummy tea,
the waist trainers,
practically lives in Fashion Nova,
just textbook thottage.
Well, if the worst thing she ever does
is have purple hair,
we're good.
Oh, my God, you're such a bad mom.
Like, a failure.
Hey!
Yo, what's up, birthday boy?
How was school?
Awful. No one said "happy birthday."
What? I thought you brought
doughnuts for the whole class?
Those kids don't care about me.
They only cared about the doughnuts.
Oh, sweetie.
Now breathe, you have to breathe. Breathe.
Slower. In, out. In and out.
Deep breath. There you go. Feel better?
I just... I really thought
this was going to be my year.
Guess not. Maybe next year, bud.
It's not too late!
I mean, you still have seven hours left
of your birthday, so let's say...
Let's do something fun. You know?
Just you and me. What do you say?
Thanks, but I just...
I think I want to put this one behind me.
You sure? No movies? No pizza?
No, I want to just go up to my room
and be alone with my thoughts.
That's the spirit.
Kid's a mess.
You're not gonna go talk to him?
What? I thought this was your thing now.
My thing?
So my mom used to be a lawyer,
but she quit
because, you know,
she had all these kids...
- Uh, excuse me. I still am a lawyer.
- We're in the middle of an interview.
Still in very good standing
with the California Bar Association,
an active member.
I was also the editor of my law review,
I clerked for Justice Ginsburg.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first black woman
to do that,
but, you know, life changes
and, uh, Kenya and I made a decision
that I would stay home with the family,
and it's been great.
It's been great to be a mommy,
dabble in some new stuff
and spend quality time with my husband,
which is really, really, really great
and we're so happy,
very happy we made this decision together.
It's great.
You already said that, Mom.
Okay, good.
Well, that's 'cause it's great.
I shit the diaper, Mommy.
I don't know too much about kids,
but he speaks really well for his age.
It's fine. Everything's fine. I got it.
Look at this kid. Face of an angel, right?
Biggest liar in the world.
Still fine! Everything is so fine.
I... I got this.
Just an insatiably compulsive,
pathological fucking liar.
Stink!
Wh... What's up?
All right.
Izzy, do you want to explain
why your face is blurred?
Because this thing is stupid.
I'm sorry, uh, do you mind
putting your answer in your question?
Oh, sure.
My face is blurred
because this thing is stupid,
so I won't sign the waiver
and I don't want to have
anything to do with this thing.
But this "thing" is a documentary
to help me get into film school.
Come on, dude.
We both know this isn't for you.
Dad's just going to take this footage
and sell it.
It's who he is.
But, if he does...
Excuse me. When he does,
the leverage I'll have will be incredible.
There's even a chance
I could get a "Created by."
The way her mind works,
it's just amazing.
And scary.
She has no code.
We're all very afraid of her here.
Okay, Dad, um, before we start,
I'm gonna need you to sign something.
- What?
- Really quickly.
What is this?
Since you're Izzy's legal guardian,
if you sign this,
I don't have to blur her face.
Does she...
Does she know that I'm signing this?
Well, obviously not.
Will she know that I signed this?
- No, I won't tell her, Dad.
- Okay.
Thank you. I mean,
she's going to see it after, but...
you're... you're cool. It's... It's good.
You're okay, right?
It's fine.
You know, I have to stay here with her.
So do I. I mean...
But you didn't sign anything.
I'm doing this, Dad.
No, fuck that. Give me that back.
- Dad, I...
- No, I'm not...
- This is for school.
- I'm not signing that.
- You're scared of a 13-year-old.
- I know what she's capable of.
I'm terrified of her.
We're all very afraid of her.
You gonna finish those Samoas?
I... I was.
Come on, Pops. Cheer up.
Maybe they just didn't know
it was your birthday.
They knew.
The teacher wrote it up on the board
right next to the homework.
You literally can't miss it.
I was helping those kids and no one cares.
You know,
maybe you should just end it all.
- I can help you.
- Izzy!
- What?
- Stop.
It's only gonna get worse from here.
♪ I got hoes calling ♪
♪ A young nigga phone ♪
♪ Where's Ali
With the motherfucking dope? ♪
Okay, so Mom, maybe you wanna just, like,
explain what you're doing
and who you're with.
Who we're with?
Yeah.
You mean John and Kara?
Yes, Mom, set the scene.
Come on, we're literally weeks into this
and you still don't know how this works?
Right! Sorry. Okay.
So John and Kara are people
I went to law school with.
Kara has just moved out here
because she got a big job with Greenpeace,
and I just thought, if I ever want
to start practicing law again,
it's a good door to keep open.
Plus, I wanted to just
catch up with my old friend.
Isn't this the "friend" that you refer to
as "the worst kind of white liberal"?
Oh, yeah.
Kara's an insufferable asshole,
don't get it twisted.
But, you know,
I thought I'd welcome her to town and...
just remind her
that I'm a better lawyer than her
and if I wanted to,
I could come for her job.
Wow.
Oh, stop it. You know I'm petty.
I don't try to hide that fact.
- Oh, my God.
- It's who I am.
So ever since I took
the general counsel job at Greenpeace...
- Oh, my God, congratulations. That's big.
- Congratulations.
Thank you, I know.
I just, I've been trying
to make a really conscientious effort
to reduce my carbon footprint.
- I guess both of us, right?
- Yeah.
Just, downsizing to a smaller house,
cutting back on our electricity,
just living simpler lives.
You know, it's good for the planet,
good for us.
- Yeah.
- It's great for the planet, you know?
Yeah, I get that.
Do you?
I... Uh, yeah.
Sorry, I just...
I remember you in law school, like,
I don't know, she was...
I just always remembered you,
like, defending the bad guys.
Like, the big corporate conglomerate,
you know?
Like big tobacco
and a lot of people thought...
I'm surprised you would say that.
I mean, you should know
better than anyone that
everybody is deserving of counsel. Right?
I mean, you can't decide
who the bad guys are, you don't know.
You kinda do though, right?
You don't have to be twirling a mustache
to know it's a bad guy.
But I guess it's been so long
since you've worked,
I've just forgotten
what kind of law you practice.
Jesus Christ, it's Robert De Niro.
Oh, yeah. Bobby!
Bobby! Bobby D! Bo...
He didn't see me.
Yeah, we were founding members
of this club together.
- We were?
- Mm-hmm.
Is it hard to get into?
- Not... I mean...
- Super duper, duper hard.
Like, virtually impossible, like...
Illuminati level.
Yes. It's hard. It's...
Yeah, it was an application.
Anyway, what were you saying about
your tiny, tiny house with no electricity?
It's who I am.
Anyway, you guys were talking about
taking a trip somewhere?
Yes.
Yes, we're gonna take a nice, long,
relaxing, emissions-free drive
up the coast to San Fran.
John bought a Volt. Pre-owned.
A... A Volp?
- Volt.
- Volt.
It's a electric car.
You don't worry. You'll never see one.
Like a Tesla?
Uh, no. It's in the family.
But our therapist said that the open road
can be a great release for a relationship.
Oh, my God,
are you having marital problems?
I'm sorry,
I... I meant, that's...
That sounds rough. I'm sorry.
Thanks, but we're gonna be okay.
I believe in us.
Plus, we're just adding anal
to the repertoire, so...
Whoa.
That's always good.
So, um...
San Francisco's supposed to be great.
Yes. San Francisco, right.
Uh, yeah, should be a good time.
In fact, I don't know
what you're doing this weekend,
but the Bay is supposed to be beautiful
at this time of year.
- I can imagine.
- Yeah, in fact, on Saturday night,
the Warriors are having this family fest.
Oh, I fuck with G State.
Tickets, two-for-one,
and unlimited beverages
as long as you bring your own Thermos.
Wow! That's a real steal.
So, hold on, I have to bring a Thermos
to a game?
- Yeah.
- You don't have to do anything.
I don't think this trip
is really their speed.
We're gonna be camping under the stars,
just outside the city all weekend.
Well, it's not... It's more like glamping.
Oh, glamping. I fuck with glamping.
You fuck with glamping?
When have you fucked with glamping?
I'm just saying
it's glamorous camping, right?
Yes!
Hey, if you two are interested,
I bet there's still
a couple yurts available.
- Yurts?
- Yurt? Spell that.
It's like a tent, you know?
Oh. Just say "tent."
But the correct way is "yurt."
It's disrespectful to, uh, certain people.
- Who?
- Um, aboriginal, I believe.
You're just going to an aboriginal
San Franciscan camping trip?
Yeah.
Oh! This is my daughter calling
from USC film school.
I don't know if you've heard of it?
They call it the Harvard of the West.
I think that's Stanford.
It's totally Stanford.
- Hi, babe!
- Hey, Mom.
- I need to speak to her.
- No, I don't want to talk to him.
- She doesn't... Please don't do this now.
- Don't give a fuck. I don't care.
Do you want books?
Do you want tuition?
She's really grown up. Hey!
Look at that hair! Purple?
Jo, you're one of those cool moms, huh?
- So hip-hop, girl.
- Lit!
- Litty.
- Litty!
Litty.
I'm gonna go.
So hip-hop, huh?
What... what do you mean by that?
I just... You know, that she's, like...
super trendy, you know,
like Jay-Z, or like Cardi B.
Oh, I love Cardi B.
Oh, my God, that song with Maroon 5.
Mm.
There it was. Fresh, pure, uncut,
straight off the boat, nose bleed
in the greatest night of your life
White Gaze.
You were right.
Thanks, babe.
Racism. Bet on it.
You know that Cardi B
is, like, super successful.
No, yeah. She's so fun.
Okurrr!
By "so fun" do you mean
she literally ended
the government shutdown with one tweet?
By "so fun" do you mean
the first female rapper
to reach number one
on the Billboard Hot 100 and win a Grammy?
- You guys know a lot about Cardi B.
- It's a lot.
She's so fun!
You guys also know a lot
about purple hair.
For future reference,
I have no interest in your opinion
about my daughter or her hair.
That's just if we're keeping it real.
I mean, we might argue
amongst ourselves,
but if you come for our family,
you gonna get that smoke.
- You don't want that smoke.
- Mm-mm.
- Blahp, blahp, blahp.
- Brr, brr!
Now that I think about it,
maybe we will go to San Francisco.
We're not fucking with a yurt,
but we can get a huge suite
at the Ritz Carlton, right?
Pop some Cristal, you know,
on some hip-hop shit.
Hip-hop shit.
And maybe hit up
that Warriors' game? Right?
- We gotta go there.
- Dub City.
Courtside seats, of course.
Nobody's doing Thermoses.
- I mean, we're not animals.
- No.
And we should call Jermaine
and see if we could fly up there
instead of taking the Volp.
Yeah, but apparently,
that drive is so nice, right?
It's a really nice drive.
I'm gonna tell you this,
you know what it's not as nice as?
A private jet.
So, you know how, in most marriages,
there's, like, a balance?
If... If one person eats too much,
then the other person eats like a bird?
Or if one person drinks too much,
then the other one's sober?
- Yeah, that's not our parents.
- No.
Yeah, they're both
just equally horrible people.
- The worst.
- Exactly! Oh, my gosh.
When it comes to, like, pettiness,
fiscal irresponsibility, and basically,
being on the same page
about the wrong shit...
- they're like the Menendez brothers.
- Okay, no.
They're not like the Menendez brothers.
They are the Menendez brothers.
- Yeah.
- Boom.
- So... we should skedaddle.
- Yeah.
Aw.
- So soon?
- Oh, right. Uh...
- No, no, we got this.
- No, no, no
Literally nothing to us.
- It's hip-hop shit.
- Hip-hop shit.
- Okay.
- See you in San Fran.
- Yes.
- Oh.
Thermos boys!
- Yes.
- That's my guy.
Right.
Um, you know, the valet's a cash valet.
- Oh, I'm good.
- Oh, you guys need cash?
We got cash.
- Make sure you take care of him?
- No, I am all good.
Please take care of him.
No, come on.
Do not take their cash.
We are not going to San Francisco, right?
Fuck no!
Come on.
- I love you, babe.
- I love you too.
You know what?
I'm actually glad I kept this thing, dude.
Yeah, live your life.
I'm not gonna let other people
define my stuff for me.
No, you're successful, you deserve it.
I agree. I'm gonna be happy with who I am.
Oh, look! Scooter Braun.
- Scooter B!
- Oh. Hey, how are you, buddy?
- Long time no see. Hey, how are you?
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- You as well.
- What's going on?
- You know, just working.
Just killing the game, though,
I mean, Ariana,
- Justin, Demi.
- Thank you, appreciate it.
You know, he's doing pretty well.
I heard about the Netflix deal.
Congratulations.
Coming to America. Incredible.
Thanks, man. Next time we're in town,
- let's please do it for real.
- I'd love that.
- Great seeing you. Take care. Honestly.
- You too.
By the way, nice chain.
Any last comments about the dinner
or anything? Just...
I fucking hate white people.
I do.
I tried not to, but...
this is where I'm at.
And I'm just gonna...
I fucking... I fucking hate white people.
Okay.
- Mom!
- Shh! Daddy's working.