Black-ish (2014–…): Season 6, Episode 22 - ...Baby One More Time - full transcript

There's nothing
quite like the relationships

you have
with your siblings.

And as an older brother,

I took looking after
my little sister seriously.

I'm not the one
who needs to know

about square roots right now.

I got my high school diploma,
Rhonda.

When you get yours,
you can forget about math, too.

Yo, Dre!
We gonna be late to Freaknik!

Hey, man,
them freaks can wait!

I'm saving my sister!



No, Rhonda,
I don't think it's smart

to buy four houses
with no money down.

You think they're gonna give
the first Black president

a strong economy?

Not now.
I'm saving my sister.

And my looking out for my
sister carries on to this day.

A few weeks ago,

she and her wife, Sharon,
split up.

Look, I know it's hard,
but you'll get through this.

Hey, this is what you do...

have a glass of wine.

It'll relax you.

You know what?

I'll join you.
I'm on my way.



- Hey, Bow!
- Yeah?

DVR "Madam Secretary"!
I'm gonna go save my sister!

And as she pulls her life
together,

I'll continue to be there
in whatever way she needs.

Okay, okay. Hey, guys,
guys, cut off the movie. Oh.

Rhonda says she has some news
she wants to share.

Hey, everybody!

Big news...

I'm adopting.

What?
You're getting a dog?

No. A baby.

Okay, Rhonda.
A baby dog is called a puppy.

Dre, I'm adopting
a baby human.

I'm gonna be a mom.

Oh, my God!

Rhonda? A mom?

Once again,
I needed to save my sister.

*BLACK-ISH*

*BLACK-ISH*
Season 06 Episode 22

Episode Title: "…Baby One More Time"
Aired on: April 28, 2020

Rhonda!
Hey, Rhonda!

We are planning
your shower,

and we're not gonna
take "no" for an answer.

Well, I hope so. After
all the baby gifts I got you,

I would be offended
if you didn't.

Then it's settled!
Oh, I'm so excited!

We're gonna have
so much to talk about!

Uh, yeah, we're gonna definitely
keep talking about this.

Alright, you guys,
more soon.

Alright. I love you.

- Bye, Rhonda!
- Bye!

Look at God!

Another grandbaby.

Can't come soon enough.

These ones are starting
to get old.

I didn't know
Rhonda wanted to adopt.

I wonder what kind
Rhonda's gonna get.

Chinese?

Korean?

One of those Romanians

who turns out to be
a full‐grown adult?

Come on, Grandma.

Let's go talk about
what we're not gonna say.

What?
God, you can't say nothing.

I can't believe

Rhonda is
about to be a mom.

A mom with a baby.

A baby with Rhonda
for a mama.

Rhonda the Baby Mama!

Um...
what are you doing?

Nothing. Just
stating the facts. Mm.

Uh, bizarre,
mistakes‐are‐being‐made facts.

Where did this come from?

Look, I get
why she's excited,

but I also know
when my sister's

about to jump into something
that she can't handle.

What makes you think
she can't handle this?

She bought a motorcycle
last year, Bow.

What expectant mother
buys a motorcycle?

And on top of that,

she just split from her wife
two seconds ago.

This is a rebound baby.

A "rebound baby"
is not a thing.

Rhonda is
a rebound baby.

It was 1984.

The Olympics
were in Los Angeles,

and everyone
was full of fever.

Nine months later...
boom!

Rhonda Joyner‐Kersee Johnson
was born.

Did you send us
a calendar invite?

Oh. Yeah.

I wanted to tell you
what we're doing

for Aunt Rhonda's
baby shower gift.

Slow your roll,
playboy.

Diane and I
have been thinking.

We want to be
in charge of this gift.

When it comes to decisions
in this family,

we never get a say.
Mm.

Okay.
What's your big idea?

We're gonna curate our cousin's
whole wardrobe. Mm‐hmm.

Buying clothes
for a baby

is like buying caviar
for a horse.

Trust me... you're gonna
want to get something

that will last
to mid‐toddlerhood.

I'm talking strollers.

- Any specific...
- The BabyJet 2800.

Fine. So we'll get
the stroller. Easy.

Yeah.

What, you think you can just
get the stroller?

You can't even sniff
the 2800

if you're not verified
on Instagram.

Luckily, I've already got
a few leads.

My old high school
field hockey co‐captain

- works at a...
- I can't do this.

Come on.

We want to get Aunt Rhonda
the best gift,

and, like it or not,
we need him.

Fine.
We can work together.

But we get
all the credit.

Your name doesn't go
on the card.

Every time I see the smile
on that baby's face

as she glides down the street
on those 24s...

...that'll be my reward.

Hey! I see you're out here
working on my baby girl's shower.

Yep.

Can you believe
I have a child

who's old enough
to be a mother?

Hey!
Very much so.

Hey, I could really use
your help.

Do you want to start
stuffing the gift bags?

Pass.

- Could you clean up in the liv...
- Nope.

Could you make the tags
for the wishing tree?

Wishes are just miracles
for sinners.

Yeah, okay.
Sorry I asked.

I think the best way
for me to contribute

is to just be here
for Rhonda.

We can bond over shading
your underwhelming baby shower.

Thank you for giving
my daughter and I this gift.

This baby is so lucky
they're not getting her genes.

Nah!
Okay, you open up.

Hey, Dre, I got the baby picture
that Bow asked me for.

Alright.

He is so cute, Dre.

Yeah, he's alright now.

You should've been here
20 minutes ago,

when he dumped those Cheerios
on his head.

Hey, being a parent
is a lot of work.

I bet it is,
but I'm pretty prepared.

I know you are, and that's why
I believe in you, alright?

But you're gonna miss
some things, though.

Sleep. Not a lot of that
as a parent.

Is that why you're always
sleeping on the couch

every time I come around?

Being a parent is like cramming
for a test that never comes.

And it gets expensive
fast.

Formula is
35 bucks a tub.

That's more than a bottle

of that cupcake‐flavored vodka
that you like.

I know what I'm getting
myself into, Dre.

For sure, and that's why
I believe in you.

But... single motherhood?

That's taking it
to a whole nother level.

There's a reason
that rappers

thank their mamas before God
at the Grammys.

What are you
getting at, Dre?

I wouldn't be doing my job
as a brother

if I didn't tell you
the truth.

This... it ain't
all that great.

Hey, d‐don't get me wrong.
I mean, he's cool.

And while
I believe in you

and I know that you can
handle this...

you can't handle this.

What?

Look, I just think
you should take a beat.

Alright? I don't think you need
to get a baby right now.

Get a fish and see
if you can keep it alive.

Do you know how out of bounds
you are right now?

I'm just saying.
You just went through a divorce.

You moved into
a new apartment.

I don't want to see you
complicate your life.

Luckily, you don't have to,
Dre.

Hmm?

Because that's not
your decision to make.

So I'm gonna leave here
before I burn this house down.

Uh... See?
Now you sound like Mama.

- Hey, Super Dad.
- Yeah?

Your son got out
of his booster seat.

What?

Devante!

- Dre!
- On the patio.

- Oh, oh, there you are.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Can you help me get all
the party stuff out of the car?

I don't want to brag,
but this baby shower

is going to kick
all other baby showers

in the baby maker.

Here's the thing.

I don't think
there's gonna be a shower.

I think she thinks I think
she's not ready to have a baby

because...

I told her so.

Why would you do that?

What was I supposed to do?

I'm her big brother.
I had to tell her how I feel.

Did you, Dre?
I...

Because the other option is
for you to support the decisions

that your sister makes
about her own life.

But I'm terrified
for her, Bow!

She...

She's not ready.

Oh, God, Dre.

No one's ready
to have a baby.

No one.

Do you remember
how scared we were

when we first got pregnant
with Zoey?

Oh. The condom snap
heard 'round the world.

We were so unprepared,

but we made it work
with what little we had.

Sweetheart, I know
you're anxious, but every time

that you have been worried
about Rhonda in the past,

it's what's made you
step up to support her.

And if there's ever a time
that she needs me...

Exactly!

Your niece or nephew
is going to need you, too.

Dre...

you're gonna be Uncle Dre.

- I've always wanted to be an uncle!
- Yes.

It's way less work
than being a daddy.

You know,
it's all the fun parts,

- without the responsibility.
- Oh, yeah.

You know what?

I've been looking at this
wrong, the entire time.

Being an uncle

could be the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And Rhonda!

Mm,
I wouldn't go that far.

No, Bow, I'm her footprints
in the sand!

If Rhonda's gonna
do this alone,

she's gonna need me
to be a positive influence.

I'm gonna need to be
the uncle

that makes sure they have
everything they need!

So, what are we doing
for dinner?

Oh! Uncle Dre is taking you
to Dave & Buster's.

Wait. Really?

No. I'm your daddy.

Go make a sandwich.

Can you make one
for me, too?

He's 10 minutes late.

He'll be here.

Ricky always had my back,

on and off
the field hockey field.

Oh, snap.

Okay. Here it is...
the 2800.

You are really
doing me a solid, bro.

Hold up.

This box feels light.

Aluminum light.

Bro, did you take me
to dinner?

What?

I said, did you take me
to dinner?

No?

Then why are you trying
to screw me?

- Oh.
- Ooh.

Go back and get... me...
the 2800.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Write down the date,
Jack.

Today, I'm actually
impressed with Junior.

Yeah.

You got to get up
pretty early

to pull one over on a man
who reads Stroller Illustrated.

Wh...

Scratch that date, Jack.

I never wrote it down.

The day of the shower,
I wasn't just playing my role

as world's greatest host,

but I was making my debut
as world's greatest uncle.

- Hey, babe, thank you.
- Yeah?

- This is beautiful!
- Thanks.

You know, I never knew
that yellow and gray

was the color combo
that I wanted. - Mm‐hmm.

But it turns out it's
the color combo that I needed.

Okay, my inspiration

was the first day of spring
in the Carolinas.

- Okay.
- Have you even been

to the Carolinas?

- Yes, I...
- Muggy and buggy.

No, thank you.

Now, where's Rhonda?
I want to see

how many times we can wrap this
around her belly.

Ruby, no, no, no!
No.

First of all,
Rhonda is not pregnant,

and this is not that kind
of shower, okay?

We're not gonna be doing
any toilet‐based activities.

And where is this
coming from?

I thought we agreed
that I was planning the shower.

Rainbow, I don't
have to be the magician

to bring the magic.

Speaking of magic,

I gotta go fill a plastic bosom
with some jelly beans.

No!
Wait, Ruby, no bosom!

Oh.
They've come a long way.

Ahh, there she is,

the mother‐to‐be
of the year.

Wow.
This is beautiful.

Thank you.
I did it all myself.

or you.

I'm always there for you,

like I've always been...
whatever you need. Thanks, bro.

Okay, just say it,
and I'll do it.

No ask is too big. No job is
too small. -

Okay. Alright.
Well, I just

kind of want to greet my friends

- Okay, well, let me help you with that.
- At the door.

- I got it! I got it! I got it. Okay!
- Let me help you... No, Okay! I can

reel it back in. I'll reel it back
in. Okay. - Thank you so much.

Ohh.
There you are.

Okay.

Alright. Enjoy.
Alright.

Tell Speedy I said hey.

Hey! How are you?
Thank you for coming.

Hi. I'm Stella.

I'm Dre,
Rhonda's brother,

but you can call me
Uncle Dre.

Just kidding.
You don't have to call me that.

But the kid will.

We are so excited for
Rhonda to be a mom. - Mm.

She's already
so on top of things.

She aced
her infant safety class,

and her new apartment is
in such a good school district.

You know what's an even better
school district?

Private school!

Oh, hey, babe!

- Hey. Hi, Stella.
- Hey.

Hey, I thought Rhonda had
her heart set on public school.

No. No. The baby's
gonna be a Johnson... - Oh!

...and we Johnsons
go to Valley Glen Prep.

Mm!
Rhonda said that?

Ah, well, you know,
just want to make sure

little baby LaKeef
has the best education possible.

I think you're kinda getting
ahead of yourself there, babe.

Oh, you're right.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Could be a girl.

Baby LaKeefa is gonna have
the best education possible.

Welcome!!
Oh, my...

You must be
Rhonda's mom.

Can I grab you a drink?

Oh, sweetie, I'm flattered,
but, uh...

I'm heterosexual.

However, if you're interested
in identifying

melted candy bars
in diapers,

- the game is starting in five minutes.
- Okay. Okay.

Hi!
I'm so glad you came!

Have you stopped by
the wishing tree?

Oh, I wish you would.

- It's over there.
- Okay.

Ruby,
this is my shower.

Okay?

And nobody's gonna eat
out of diapers.

I've already microwaved
the candy bars, okay?

This train has no brakes.
Now, just come on!

Coming through. Excuse me.
Biggest gift at the party.

If you're feeling bad,
you should.

You got shown up
by children!

Oh, man, look at
all these small, stupid gifts!

It's like they don't even...
care

that Auntie Rhonda
is gonna open them

in front of everyone
to judge and mentally rank.

- Mm‐hmm.
- Wow.

- Pretty big gift.
- Hmm.

Kim and I got her a stroller.
Don't tell.

Stroller?

So thoughtful!

Bet it looks like a
troll's hammock next to the 2800.

It was kind of a pain
to get in the car,

but it's the BabyJet 2900,
so it's totally worth it.

There's a 2900?

Oh! There's the mother
of the hour.

Hey,
are you having fun?

I am!

Hey.

I have a gift for our baby.

Look here.

It's just a little something
to show you how much I care.

Thank you, Dre.

I'm gonna open presents
after everyone leaves.

Ah, well,
I'm not everyone, okay?

Come on, open it.

Open it, open it!
Okay, I'm opening.

Mm‐hmm.

Mm‐hmm.

You got me
a live‐in nanny?

Yes, paid in full
for a whole year.

You can make all
the baby mistakes you want,

and they won't matter.

Bam!

You have been Uncle Dre'd.

I don't need a nanny.

Eh, trust me. You do.

No. I don't.

And I don't need you
taking control of the situation.

- I'm just trying to help...
- No.

You don't believe that I can
actually do this by myself.

Dre, lesbians just don't
have babies by accident.

Okay.

You know how many hoops
I had to jump through

in order to get this far
in the adoption process?

Everyone has signed off
but you.

Hey. Hey.

But I support you.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, hey, Rhonda,
I got your back.

- Yeah, okay. Eh.
- O‐O‐Okay?

Hey, don't throw your hand up
at me, like you're Mom.

Ehh!

I'm your footprints
in the sand!

Uh... seems as if Rhonda

doesn't want to open up
her gifts right now,

so, uh... peace out.

Well... if she's not
gonna open them

in front of everybody,
I mean...

Respect.

You know, I can't believe
Rhonda rejected my gift

after all I did for her.

And I can't believe
I'm married to a man

who has managed to turn
a PTA meeting, a NASA launch,

and a baby shower
into being about himself.

What?

I just don't get
what Rhonda wants from me.

You know, I tell her what I really think,
and she's mad.

I‐I‐I‐I support her fully,
and she's still mad.

She's a child.

She's not a child.
She's in her mid‐30s, Dre.

Come on. I would've
remembered if my sister turned 30.

It was five years ago.

She had an escape room party.
You refused to go.

What Black man
pays to be locked up?

I can't believe my sister's
old enough to run for president.

That can't be right.

You know what, Dre? I know
what you're going through.

I remember when Santamonica
had her first wedding.

I was like, "How could she be
getting married?

What? She still sleeps
with a night light."

You know, when I see Rhonda,
all I see is the little kid

whose mistakes
I still have to clean up.

Maybe she doesn't need you
to do that anymore, Dre.

Look, you don't have to stop
being her older brother.

Maybe it's time for you
to just stop treating her

like your baby sister.

Yeah.

Maybe she can handle more
than what I give her credit for.

Dre, I don't think
your mom has ever been

to a baby shower before.

Do you know that she hired
male strippers

for a lesbian baby shower?

Ooh! These baby shower leftovers
are no joke.

I ate 14 deviled eggs.

The curry ones
were my favorite.

They were all the same.

You ate spoiled eggs.

Hey, guys.
I just wanted to apologize.

I was re‐reading Hill Harper's
"Letters to an Older Brother,"

and I just couldn't
shake the feeling

that I had failed you.

No way.

As much as I love
a morning grovel,

you saved the day.

You switched the cards.

Even I didn't think
of that.

I was just gonna
throw their box in the fire pit.

Well, you guys wanted to make
a name for yourselves,

and I totally
took it over.

Picking out outfits
for your new baby cousin

is the kind
of personal touch

Aunt Rhonda
would've really appreciated.

Junior,
you do a lot for us.

- For everybody.
- Yeah.

I mean, without you,

Mom and Dad would not be able
to handle Devante.

It's true.

The other day,
I caught them arguing

about whether or not Devante
has a capital "V" in his name.

Is there?

There's not.

Oh. Okay.

Am I the only one in this family
who cares about that child?

Hey, Rhonda.

What, are you here to tell me
how to put together this crib?

Nope. Not at all.

But, uh, I can help.

What you got there?

Okay, that's a...

Oh, what's this, 1/4"?

Ah. 5/16".

Yeah, there you go.
I don't know what I'm doing. No.

Bow always puts together
the baby cribs.

Figured.

Your Timbs
are nonfunctional.

Ah.

You know what?
I owe you an apology, Rhonda.

You know,
every time I see you,

I just see
younger versions of you

laid on top of who you are now,
and that's not fair.

You know, I still remember
when they brought you home

from the hospital.

And when you were little,
I remember

you couldn't say your R's,
so you always called me "Dwe."

I still look at you as my big
brother with the Jheri curl.

Why was it so dry?

Okay, you know what?

Curl activator was expensive.
Okay?

You know, this kid
doesn't know it yet,

but he or she
is going to win the lotto

when they get you as a mom.

You know, it's something
I've always wanted.

Unfortunately,
Sharon was not on board.

Is that
why you guys split?

Because she didn't want
to have kids?

Yeah.
What'd you think?

I... I don't know,
you know?

I thought
maybe she just...

kept taking your bras
or something.

I don't know.

Seriously, do you have
any gay friends?

Okay.

Yeah, Sharon... she wanted
things to stay the same,

but I knew I was meant
to be a mom.

And you're going to be
a great mother.

Thank you.

Aww, you're welcome,
sis.

Thank you, Uncle Dwe.

- Uncle Dwe! Ooh!
- I'm gonna be an uncle!

You keep it
about me right now.

Okay. I'm sorry.

But just know I'm gonna be here
with you every step of the way,

so whatever you need,
I got you.

Uncle/godfather.

Now, what makes you think
you're gonna be the godfather?

Who else is it gonna be?

Junior!

Junior's gonna be
the godfather?

Yeah.
Godfather Junior?

Mm. Makes sense.

He is the only one
who hasn't lost Devante.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.

Hey, Junior!

I just got off the phone
with Auntie Rhonda,

and she is
over the moon

about that stroller
you got her.

It is so hard
to get those things!

It was nothing.

I mean, yes,
it was incredibly difficult

and objectively
a show‐stopper,

but, you know,
it was nothing.

Sweetheart,
don't sell yourself short.

The 2900?!

Mm‐hmm.

You really must've had to
pull some strings, huh?

I mean, you don't get to be
a godfather

without greasing a few palms
along the way.

Mm‐hmm.

Hey, you know what I thought
was weird, though?

That you would spend all that
energy getting that stroller

and then have it engraved

with "From Stella & Kim."

I'm not... gonna be
the godfather now, am I?

I think
I'm the Godfather now.

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