Black-ish (2014–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Gauntlet - full transcript

Dre tries to get Bow a meaningful gift for Valentine's Day; Ruby teaches Jack how to get a girl after she hears about his love troubles, but her antiquated ways don't help.

Growing up,
we didn't have much,

so when you actually got
a gift?

It was special.

There you go, baby,
the "Running Scared" soundtrack.

Found it on the ground
at work.

There you go.

- All right, now.
- For real,

whoever said
"It's the thought that counts"

never got a gift
from Andre Johnson.

- Voilà!
- Ohh!

Baby, look at this!



There gonna be some changes
around here.

Anybody got a problem
wearing short shorts?

And no one gets
more Andre Johnson gifts

than Andre Johnson's queen.

- Bam!
- Ohh, Dre.

Bam!

It's incredible!

Bam!
Oh, oh!

Oh!

You'd think someone
as gifted as I was

in the art of presentry

would marry someone
with similar skills, right?

Happy birthday.

♪ Just leave all the madness
in yesterday ♪



♪ You're holdin' the key
when you believe it ♪

- No. No, Dre
- Hey, hey.

Where's it at?

- Dre.
- What?

Dre.

♪ You are the magic ♪

Look at that,
it's your first print ad.

Oh.
How thoughtful.

But no, Bow's terrible
at giving gifts.

*BLACK-ISH*
Season 06 Episode 15

*BLACK-ISH*
Episode Title: "The Gauntlet"

- So, Dre.
- Yeah?

So what'd you get Bow
for her birthday?

How did you know it was
my wife's birthday?

Well, I keep all the
important Black Lady Birthdays

in my Important Black Lady
Birthday calendar.

November, Whoopi.

December, Janelle.

January, Oprah.

February, your wife.

- Now...
- Mm-hmm.

..if you haven't
gotten her anything yet,

I am happy to pop out
of a cake for you. What?

What are you
gonna get her?

I mean, are you
gonna get her flowers,

a spa day, or a hall pass?

No. No, I got her something
that she's going to love

because we all know that
I am great at gift-giving.

That's true.
That's true.

- This man once gave me clean urine.
- It wasn't mine.

And you once gave me
that DNA test

that proved I was
23 percent Norwegian

and zero percent
my father's child.

I wish Bow was as good
at gift-giving as I am.

You know, last week
for my birthday,

she framed my awful
first print ad.

Not... not the Honda
"Run Dat" campaign?

No.
"Getting Jiggy with Jif"?

Nope.
"Kaiser Permanente: Ooh Child"?

No. Wow, Dre, you really
were phoning it in back then.

But you know what? Giving good gifts
is a solid half of what a wife is for.

I mean, what else does that
woman do with her time?

She's a massage therapist,
for God's sakes.

My wife
is an anesthesiologist.

And janitors
are custodians.

I get it, Dre, but you have
got to talk to her about this.

She's never
gonna get better.

Okay, hold on,
hold on.

My wife is one
of the busiest,

most badass people
that I know.

And she does everything great
that matters.

So, you know, I-I really think
I'm overreacting on this.

Yes, you are. Because you have
a beautiful wife.

A beautiful
Black lady wife.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go send Erykah Badu

an Edible Arrangement
for her birthday.

- Oh, okay.
- I don't have the address,

but I figured if I put
"Erykah Badu, Atlanta"

on there,
she should get it.

Uh-oh.

Must be girl trouble.

Your father used to look
like that when he got dumped.

Damaged a lot of kitchen tables
with that anvil head of his.

All right,
what happened?

Well, Jack
asked Savannah out.

It was the best
lunchtime drama

since Britney lied
and told people

that she was dating one of
the "Stranger Things" kids.

- It was supposed to be romantic.
- Mm.

Like one of those YouTube
prom-posals.

But instead...

I found out she has...

...a boyfriend.

I don't understand.

We talked all night
at Diane's sleepover.

We had a connection.

I told her my hopes...

Meeting Mr. Peanut.

And my fears.

Mr. Peanut's a jerk.

It's not fair.

Okay, Jack, let me
ask you something.

Have you ever met
this boyfriend?

Hmm, no.

Mm-hmm.

Sounds to me like she's
just playing the game.

You ignore this girl
and ask out her best friend.

She'll be yours
in no time.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Trust me, it's how
I imploded The Commodores.

I played Walter Orange
like a slap bass.

Almond milk?
That's Charlie's.

Dijon mustard?
That's Charlie's.

Amoxicillin?
Better believe that's Charlie's.

Hey, Charlie,

Mr. Stevens is letting me
pitch an account,

and I wanted to run
a few ideas by you.

Okay, that makes sense.

I am a respected advertising
professional, so go ahead.

That you are!

Also everyone else
is at lunch.

So, the campaign is for
these pants called Fielders,

and I was thinking we take
a social media approach

- and try to...
- Hold on.

Fielders sell khakis
old men buy at grocery stores.

You as much as mention
"hashtag,"

you lost their business.

Now, imagine advertising
something basic, like potatoes.

How am I supposed to come up
with a good campaign

if I have to be
basic and bland?

Therein lies
the challenge.

You must immerse yourself
in blandness.

Hey, guys, there's a green
pepper in my chicken salad...

- Too spicy for me... I'll take it.
- Um...

Charlie's.

Hey.
Necco wafer?

Hey, Josh.

Let me pick your brain
for a second.

Sure!

Talking to the guys
made me realize...

So what if Bow
was terrible at gifts?

I was big enough to put
my personal feelings aside

and get my badass wife

the fanciest present
I could find.

- Bow?
- Mm-hmm?

Come in here, babe.

You know
what today is!

- Is it Flag Day?
- No.

Arbor Day?

Unh-unh, guess again.

Oh, is it my birthday?

Yes, it is!

And you have something
for me?

Yes, I do.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

- Okay, I'm gonna open it.
- Okay.

- Ohh, Dre!
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, this is incredible.

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen!

- It is, isn't it?
- Oh, what...

D-Dre, I can't wait
to show everybody.

Yeah, at least one of us
knocks it out of the park every year.

- What did you say?
- Hmm?

You know what, babe?

I'm just going
to come clean.

- Year after year...
- Yeah.

..I give you the best
presents in the world,

and your gifts to me
don't even come close.

- Huh?
- Baby,

I love you.

But your gift game
is straight trash.

Dre, Dre, Dre,
Dre, Dre, Dre.

We're being honest
right now, right?

Tell the truth
and shame the devil.

Uh-huh.

- You give terrible gifts.
- What?!

You give boo-boo gifts!

Boo-boo gifts, Dre!

You have
the receipt for that?

Huh?

I do not give
boo-boo gifts, Bow!

You're just lashing out.

I see your eyes
when you open your presents.

You love them.

Oh, I do?

Yes, you do.

Oh!

Ohh!

Dre!

You've been faking it?

Yeah!

I bought you diamonds.

It was nice at first,

but how much jewelry
does a woman need?

You can never have
too many diamonds, Bow.

Let me tell you, Dre.

The best gift that I ever got
in my entire life

was when I was a kid.

My dad... he hand-sewed me
a doll that looked like me.

There's no way
that a store-bought gift

can compare to something
with meaning behind it.

Why do you think I took
that art class last year?

Mnh-mnh.

So I could hand-paint you
a tree

that represents
our family.

But I wanted a fur.

Yeah, and you bought yourself
the fur, Dre.

It's not the same thing,
Bow!

Okay, look, what you're
saying is nice, I get it.

Thank you.

But, babe...

I never thought I would
be able to spend real money

on the people I love.

Tsk. Mm.

And now that I'm able to,
it's what I do.

Okay, you know what, Dre?

Forget I said anything.
Get me whatever you want.

- No, no, no.
- Dre...

Babe...

I can change.

Because I love you.

So, for Valentine's Day,

I am going to find you
a thoughtful gift.

Thank you, my love.

But I also need to be treated
in the gift lifestyle

to which
I've become accustomed.

Then I will buy you

something so expensive...

that our home insurance policy
won't cover it.

So I had to get Bow

a meaningful
but cheap-ass gift,

which meant I was
the first Black man

to ever walk into
a craft store.

Ow! Damn it!

What is going on, Dad?

Ohh.

Court-mandated art therapy
to manage your anger?

Shut up, Junior!

I'm just trying
to be thoughtful.

I just made your mother
this nightmare.

Oh, my God!

What is that?!

It's supposed to be her.

Yeah, you cannot
give that to Mom.

I know!

Look, I need
your help, all right?

Look, I just found out
that your mother

is the only person alive
that does not like diamonds.

Help me, uh, come up

with a thoughtful
Valentine's Day gift for her.

Oh!

Well, I have a whole Pinterest
board full of ideas.

I've got to be honest,
though,

they are all son-to-mother
vibes, not romantic.

She shut that down
years ago.

This is stupid.

Why can't we just go back to
the way things were, hmm?

We were lying to each other,
but at least we were happy.

Oh, come on, Dad!

You've got to keep trying.

Maybe just do what I do.

Every time the sun pokes out
from behind a cloud,

give a little thought
to Mom.

Look, man,
just give me an idea.

Ugh.

Mom could have done
so much better.

Get out of here!

Get out!

Son, wait a minute,
please don't leave me!

I'll pay you!

You want some diamonds?!

I got lots of diamonds.

Oh, that's
too bad, Savannah.

I'm sorry things didn't work out
with your boyfriend.

How about we talk about it
over froyo tonight?

See you then.

Great news, Grandma.

I played the game
and I won.

Oh, yeah?

I went out with Savannah's
best friend, Jessie.

You're so funny.

And then my mom...
She turned the corner and...

And Savannah got jealous.

So now she wants
the froyo, yo.

That's great, baby.

Don't forget your Lactaid.

I mean, I'm happy
for you, Jack,

but do you really think
you can land this plane?

I mean, what are you
gonna do about Jessie?

He's got to drop her
like a peanut shell

at a barbecue place.

Oh, no.

I have to break up with her,
don't I?

Unless...

you're not ready
to play the game.

No.
No, no, no, no.

I-I can do it.

I'll just break up
with her tomorrow.

I'm proud of you, baby.

You know, your father
could never play the game.

That's how
he ended up dating

a string
of useless chickenheads.

Until he met Mom,
you mean.

Sure, baby.

Junior had been useless.

I spent days trying
to be thoughtful,

and all I had to show for it
were hot glue burns.

I've been having trouble
coming up

with a Valentine's gift
for you.

I've got nothing, baby.
Please don't leave me.

Dre, I am not having
any luck, either.

Would you wear
a Gucci wetsuit?

When have I wanted to go
into the ocean, Bow?

See?
This is really hard.

You know, maybe we're
putting too much pressure

on this Valentine's Day
presents thing.

You know, why don't we do
no Valentine's presents?

Oh.

That's not a bad idea.

I mean, we're driving
ourselves crazy.

And gifts
are not important.

Exactly!
Exactly!

You know what? How about we
just have a nice meal together?

- You know...
- Oh!

...a low-key
Valentine's experience

with no gifts,
no surprises.

No extra pressure on it.

And then we can take
the money

that we would save
from buying presents

and pop bottles
at the restaurant.

Or...

Or...

...we could make it rain
on our IRAs

that we haven't contributed to
since 2014!

Just like pah, pah, pah-pah,
pah, pah, pah-pah-pah-pah.

It's so adorable
that you think

there's still money
in that account.

Huh?!

Coming, children!

No, no, wait.

Where's the money,
though, Dre?

Remember...

When you're working for
a company like Fielder,

you have to be
aggressively bland.

Yeah, but what does that mean
for the campaign?

Start by thinking of the most
vanilla statement you can

about the brand
and go from there.

Okay, uh...

Fielders are...

good?

No!

"Good" is a value judgment.

Not bland enough.
You almost had it.

Take a step back.
Deep breath, go.

Uh...

Um...

Fielders are...

Go on.

- ...durable?
- No!

- Comfortable?
- Even blander!

Ah...

- Pants?
- Bingo.

Fielders are pants.

Good start.

It is?

So I went out and had
my first gift-free Valentine's,

doing what mattered most...

Sharing
an overpriced prix fixe

with the woman I love.

Mmm.

That's nice.

Yes, it is.

Oh, my God.
What?

Look at him.

Look at him patting
his pockets.

Every single person
in this restaurant

knows there's something
in there.

Valentine's Day chumps.

Amateurs.

- Okay, babe, you know what?
- Hmm?

- I'll be right back.
- Mm.

But this...
This is good, right?

Yes!

No pressure Valentine's Day
is great,

and maybe we shouldn't do
Christmas gifts this year.

Your face in this candlelight
is all the gift I need.

I'll be right back, baby.

- Hurry back.
- Mm-hmm.

For the lady.
Oh, oh, no.

I'm sorry,
we didn't order that.

We didn't order that.

Oh, let's just say
somebody

wanted to do something
special for you.

Oh!

Thank you.
Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, okay.

The cake.

Posted.

Mm.

I knew.

I knew you had some tricks
up those sleeves.

What are you
talking about?

- The cake.
- Oh.

Listen, I should be mad

because we decided
no gifts or surprises,

but I have to say that I am
so glad you got me something.

I didn't send you
that cake, babe.

Really? Oh.

We agreed there would be
no gifts and no surprises.

I didn't send you that.

Oh.

Sorry, this is
for another table.

Oh, but...

Okay, alright.

You said...

I guess I...

I guess
I did want something.

It just feels like
with no gifts,

part of Valentine's Day
is missing.

Yeah.

The men's room attendant
comped me a mint,

and I almost cried.

Who were we kidding?

Valentine's Day without gifts
isn't Valentine's Day.

It's just a day.

- It was my mother's.
- Oh, my God!

It's beautiful.

It means the world
to me.

Valentime's Day
is so stupid.

Mmm!
Raspberry compote?

Nice try, Reginald.

- Hey, Ruby.
- Hey.

How y'all doing?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Why did I think
I wanted

a low-key
Valentine's Day, huh?

There's nothing about me
that says low-key.

Hell, I'm the one
that got Funkmaster Flex

to record
my outgoing voicemail.

How do we not know how
to take care of each other

after all of these years?

That's making me wonder.

You know, what else
are we messing up?

- I'm starting to question it all.
- Oh, yeah.

This marriage
is really falling apart.

What with the way
you fix her a drink,

and the way
you're trying to rub

the stress
out of his back.

You two are doomed.

Oh.

But doesn't it mean something
that we missed the mark?

I mean, gift-giving

is one of the most important
ways of expressing love.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, well,
so are shared experiences.

- Mm-hmm.
- Quiet times together.

- Yep. - And working your way
through the Kama Sutra.

- Mama.
- You two fulfill each other's needs

in so many other ways.

This is
just a little thing

you don't have to worry
about, alright?

Maybe we are being
too hard on ourselves.

Maybe.

- Thank you, Ruby.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm gonna go check on Devante,
and I'm taking this. - Okay, baby.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?
I'm right behind you.

- Thank you, Mama.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Yeah? Where the hell do
you think you're going?

You can't buy
your wife a gift?

I raised you better
than that.

- But, Mama, you just said that gifts
are something... - No, no, no, no!

How is it no man
in this family

- knows how to play the game?
- What?

You go think about Rainbow

and get her something
she wants.

Mama, I tried.

Hell, I made her
a ugly-ass doll

just like the one
her daddy did.

She doesn't want a doll.

She wants what the doll
represents.

That you're thinking
about her.

Okay, Mama.

I didn't think you cared this
much about Bow's happiness.

I don't.

I just know
I didn't raise

no raspberry compote boy.

Old sorry Reginald think he
can get a crack at me

with this
cheap candy assortment!

Mm-hmm.

So, I was thinking
for Easter,

we should coordinate
outfits.

You're a girl's medium,
right?

Oh, and Jackie,

today's our four-day
anniversary! Yay!

Oh, yeah.

Happy anniversary, dear.

I'll go get you
an Uncrustable.

So you couldn't dump her,
could you?

Nah.

I never should have listened
to Grandma.

Well, most of Grandma's advice
stopped being useful

around the Clarence Thomas
hearings.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I've already committed
to Easter,

so I can't break up
with her before then.

Then her birthday's
right around the corner,

then the spring dance.

I'm-a be honest with you,
Diane.

I don't see a way out.

Welcome to your first
loveless marriage.

Thought we'd be having
this talk at 25

when you got trapped
by a French CrossFit star

who needed a green card.

But it's nice to know it feels
just as good as I imagined.

I had spent too much time

focusing on the gift instead
of the more important thing...

The person it was for.

And once I did that,
I realized

it was pretty easy
to find things she liked.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

How was your day?

Much better
after I got a text from you

about Larry's Chili Dogs.

- Mm-hmm.
- That was so sweet.

- Babe, it's where we first met.
- I know.

And I could not drive
past that place

and not think about you.

Hey...

What?

I got you something.

What's the occasion?

Just showing you
I love you.

Oh. Tsk.

Can I open it?

- Please.
- Okay.

Yes!

Oh, my God, yes!

- Oh, this is so thoughtful.
- Mm.

I'm so glad
that you realized

that you don't have to spend
a lot of money on me.

It's the small
and sweet gestures.

Oh, God, I love you.

Mwah.
Thank you, baby.

Hey, do you want red or white
with the chili dogs?

- Which goes better?
- Uh, red.

- Red? Okay.
- Yeah.

Like Bow said,

I didn't have to spend a lot
of money on a great gift.

But I did... on this
expensive-ass marching band.

So, as a small, sweet gesture,

I got them out
before she could see.

Baby steps.

So, Dre's kid, huh?

Fielders pants.
What do you got for me?

Psst. You got this.

Fielders.

They've survived
a long time.

Not by being flashy
or by following seasonal trends,

but by being timeless.

And by keeping it simple.

So their new slogan
keeps it simple, too.

"Fielders:
They're the pants you wear."

Yeah, I really hoped you'd
come up with something

more urban, you know?
Like, um...

"Fielders: Ooh, Child."

What about "Fielders:
Where the Homies at?"

Yes!
Outstanding, Charles.

We will run with that.