Black-ish (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Stand Up, Fall Down - full transcript

My son. My namesake.

My God, he bums me out.

Junior had decided to take
a gap year for himself,

and I had agreed to respect his choice.

The problem was, he wasn't
giving me much to respect.

Welcome back to the podcast.

Today's guest, Jack, has canceled.

That's it!

I'm taking you to work!

And get rid of that damn rabbit!

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www.addic7ed.com



Ready for my first day at Dad's office!

Aah, look at you going to work!

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Finally ready to do something
with that gap year.

Aw, come on.

Hey, I've done things, okay?

My podcast has two subscribers.

Only one. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I-I unsubscribed.

All right. Come on. Let's go, son.

You can see a strong, black man
handle his business.

I didn't realize you worked
with Terry Crews.

That was good, sweetie!

- I'm just messing with you, big guy.
- No, it wasn't.



- It was good.
- I'll be in the car.

Yeah. Okay.

- He's killing me, Bow.
- Hmm.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Erica just quit.

Who?

Black Nanny Two, Dre.

This couldn't come at a worse time.

I have four surgeries today.

How are we gonna find somebody?

Hey, don't worry about it, baby.

I'll make some calls.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mama?!
- Yeah?

- You want to be Devante's nanny?
- Okay.

If my baby needs a nanny
for his baby, I'll do it.

That's great. That's great.

Come on, now. I'm serious.

I'll nanny that baby.

- See?
- Really, Ruby?

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.

- Are you bonded?
- Uh, no.

Do you have
your class C driver's license?

Suspended.

CPR certificate?

Well, she has been known
to choke people.

What are your qualifications?

Andre, did you die when you were a baby?

- Not that I know of.
- Qualified.

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on now.

I love that little man.

Yeah. Come on, baby.

How could you say no to that?

Very easily. No!

What?

But I am desperate, so...

yes, we can try it.

- That's fine.
- Oh, that's wonderful.

- That's good.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna need three weeks off
at Christmas.

Yeah?

Hey, hey. You know where I go.

What's wrong, Dre?

Oh. Did you accidentally
wipe some Hot Cheetos dust

on your fancy sweater?

No. You know, Junior's gonna be

interning here a few days a week,

and I'm trying to teach him
some responsibility,

but I'm worried he's a lost cause.

- Hmm.
- Well...

Hey, guys.

Thanks for the opportunity.

- Just interning?
- Mm-hmm.

That's good to know.

I thought he was here to take my place

as your wingman and confidant.

Or to take my job.

Is that what you're here to do?

Is it?

'Cause if it is, you got to tell me.

You also got to tell me
where you got that sweater

because it's fire.

My... My mom bought it for me.

Your mom's fire, too.

Well, young man, you have chosen
a great time to be here

because your dad just hit it
out of the park

with the Google campaign.

- Yes! Grr!
- Ah, yeah.

You hear that? They put
some respect on your dad's name.

And we're going to need another home run

with our new client, Hometown Market.

They... They're...
They're trying to take

their comfort food from the suburbs

to the urban space.

- So black people.
- Uh, or gentrifying whites.

Connor's right. It's... It's the blacks.

And, uh, some Hispanics.

You know, people who ride the bus.

Okay, guys.

We're getting off track, all right?

Maybe we should look
at this Hometown Market Menu.

Maybe that will give us some ideas.

These names are kind of bland.

"Tuna melt"?

"Turkey pot pie"?

Maybe we can give these dishes
new urban names.

Ah. Like Charlie.

Charlie's an urban name.

Ooh, these Charlies look delicious.

Don't put no hot sauce on my Charlies.

Why don't we name them after something

that black people like, like rappers?

Okay, we like a lot more
than just rappers.

Yeah, of course you do.
But how about this?

The Run DM Seafood Tower.

Or... Or the Kanye Western Omelet.

- Ooh, I got one.
- Nice.

The Notorious BLT.

Sorry, the... the Cardi BLT.

Oh, oh, oh! I got a good slogan.

"Hometown Market: get in here, Boo."

Why don't we just move on for now, okay?

And, you know, I'll look
at all these things

on my own a little later.

That is why you are a star, Dre.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna go play some golf.

Oh, very good. Very good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Mommy's home just in time for snack.

What's it gonna be, huh? Avocado?

I think he's still full.
He had a cupcake at the park.

You bought him a cupcake?

No. A handsome man
enjoying cupcakes on a bench

gave us one.

Ha, he gave 'em to all the children.

A stranger was handing out
cupcakes at a park,

and he gave one to my baby?

You forgot "handsome."

I don't take cupcakes from uggos.

I wasn't worried about his hotness.

Ruby?

Hmm?

You need to read Devante's bible

- and get familiar with the rules.
- Mm-hmm.

First off, don't take things
from strangers.

And other headlines...

no screens

and no choking hazards
like hot dogs and grapes.

- Or...
- Oh, come on, Rainbow.

Babies love grapes.

I used to tie a bag of grapes
around Dre's neck

so he could snack and play.

So he could choke hands-free.

Okay.

Let's go with Mommy.

Read my bible.

I'll read your bible right away,
Rainbow.

- Thank you.
- See you later, Devante.

See you later, reckless grandma.

Bye.

What are you doing in my room?

And give me one good reason
not to snap your neck right now.

You know what? Don't.

I'm in the mood to snap necks.

I'm trying to crack
the parental-control code

on this TV

so I can watch
the horror movie "Unfriended."

You can't crack that code.

You're not good at numbers.

Keep doubting me. You'll see.

Come on. Move.

0-0-0-8.

Dang it.

0-0-0-9.

Dang it.

0-0-0-10.

It... It won't fit.

How are we in the same grade?

Good first day, huh?

Got to see your old man in action,

handling business.

Yeah.

Do your co-workers
always talk like that?

- Hmm?
- Their ideas were pretty offensive.

It's a creative business, son, you know.

People need to get their juices flowing,

but I keep a check
on their worst instincts

to make sure none of that bad stuff

- gets in the work.
- Hmm.

Seems like they said
a bunch of racist things,

and you just let it slide.

Hey! Hey, hey, son.

I don't let anything slide, all right?

They know when I sigh,
they better tighten up.

Oh, yeah.

I hear loud sighing
is what ended slavery!

And we all remember
the sigh on Washington.

Okay, what the [bleep]? Huh?

If you weren't so busy judging me,

you would have noticed
that I was the one

steering the conversation in there

to make sure that we had
the best product

that we could all be proud of.

All I know is, at home,
you call out racism

and tell us
we need to always take a stand,

but I guess it's different
for a strong black man at work.

I'ma go wait in the car, Boo.

Actually, I'm gonna need the key fob.

How's my strong black mens?

Why don't you ask him?

What's he talking about?

Oh, I made a mistake.

- Oh?
- He's not ready for the real world.

Oh, my God. Wait.
Did... Did he have tree nuts?

He accused me of being a sellout, Bow.

- Oh.
- He crossed the line.

- Okay.
- I always take a stand.

I-I donate to Black Lives Matter.

I don't shop at H&M.

And I didn't go back
to Chick-fil-A after a week

like some people.

It's really good.

He spent one day in my office,

and he thinks he knows everything.

Bow, I fight racism every day!

- I know.
- When I first got to Stevens & Lido,

it was like Boston in the '70s.

Now because of me,
it's like Boston in the '90s.

Sounds like he really got to you.

No. Not at all.

- Okay.
- But I will tell you this.

- Hmm?
- He's not coming back to my office.

As a matter of fact, I'm removing him

from the family Christmas photo, so...

Yes, he, uh... he did get to me.

Aww. Look, Dre.

If you don't think
he got the full picture,

then why don't you have him
go back to work

so he can see the final result?

- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.

He only got to see me steering the car,

not drive it across the finish line.

Yeah, there you go.

And I'ma take that checkered flag,

- and I'm gonna shove it [bleep].
- Okay, okay. Do you want a grape?

Grape?

Aww, buddy.

You're never going to be able
to crack that code.

Come on.

I'll put on "Nemo" for you.

- That'd be great.
- Mm-hmm.

If I hadn't cracked it.

Wait, what?

How'd you figure out the code Dad used?

Found a Post-it in his nightstand

- with the code on it.
- Really?!

And I watched "Unfriended"
without parental guidance.

Ha! You mocked me,

but now who's seen
the scariest movie ever

and will probably have nightmares?

Okay. So what's the code?

Uh, nope. Not happening.

But, Jack, this is
a business opportunity.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Tell me more.

E-Even if it takes all night.

Are you afraid to go to bed?

That movie was so messed up.

- Hey, good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.

Was a hot start yesterday
with Hometown Market,

so let's just jump back in.

How about N.W.A-1 Burger?

Bullseye, Dad.

Okay, guys.

Uh, I think this rapper thing
is kind of... corny.

Ooh, okay.

All right. Well, we do not want
to come off as out of touch,

so thank you, Dre.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, so Josh and I were
talking earlier in the kitchen

about how a character or a spokesperson

might appeal to the urban consumer.

Right, like Joe Camel.

Ooh. Listening.

But it is a restaurant,

- so, obviously, it has to be a woman.
- Right.

But not a regular woman. A fun one.

But no nonsense.

Okay. You mean a woman
that's, uh, independent.

- Intelligent.
- Charismatic.

Exactly!

- Okay.
- Sassy.

- It's a sassy black woman!
- "Heeey!" You know.

Okay, guys.

Trust me.

We do not want a caricature
of a black woman.

No, no, Dre. Look.

What I mean is, like,

the sassy Pine-Sol woman
or, um, sassy Annie, huh?

From the Popeyes chicken commercials?

Okay, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.

All right? Those are always the go-to.

Plus those images are already out there.

Come on, guys. Can't...
Can't we find something fresher

for Hometown Market?

Look, Dre, these spokespeople
are huge successes.

We need something like that,

like a Mama Somebody
or like a Sister Whatever.

Sister...

Auntie! Auntie.

I saw that once in a movie.

Auntie. That is great. I love it.

No! It's... It's not great.

It's, uh... It's irresponsible.

Do you think that's the only way

that black people want
to see themselves?

Huh? Do you think that's who we are?

Dre, people are gonna love her.

I don't love her!

And I find it offensive.

All right, Dre.

All right. I hear you.

Why don't we just take a few minutes?

We'll regroup, and we will...

figure out a new course, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna call home real quick,
and then I'll scrub in.

Devante? Devante?

Hey, sweetie.

Hi.

Wait. Why... Why do you have the phone?

Where's... Where's Grandma?

Are you by yourself, sweetheart?

Devante? What's happening?

Mo... Oh, okay! Mom, can you... oh, my God.

Okay. Um, I'm coming! Mommy's coming!

Mommy's coming!

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Ruby, where were you?

I had to leave a surgery.

What... Why is he in the baby cage,

and why does he have a phone?

Oh, I thought it would be okay

since he had so much free time...

- Wha...
- ...to explore in the ball pit at IKEA.

Oh, my God.

In the ball pit?!

They put numbers on the kids
so you don't lose them,

and I even fed him a Swedish meatball

through the ball-pit net.

He loved it.

Okay. So you didn't follow
any of my rules?

Rainbow.

All those rules are the reasons
you can't keep a nanny.

Now, they'd complain to me,
and I defended you!

But now I get it.

Also, I never defended you.

Yeah, okay.

I... I tried
for like two whole, long days,

but you cannot be Devante's nanny.

But I love watching him.

Yes, well, you should have
thought of that

before you gave him a meatball
through a net.

Yeah.

It's best we... part ways.

Dad, that was amazing!

- Mm-hmm.
- The looks on their faces.

You spoke truth to power!

You know what, son?

I'm glad you were there to witness it.

Yeah, my dad is Kaepernick.

Ah, well, you know, son,
I just do what I can.

- Hey, Dre.
- Oh.

Junior. Ah, listen, we were chatting,

and we actually like
the direction we're headed,

so I decided that we're gonna
keep moving

on the campaign without you,

so take the rest of the day,

and I'll see you tomorrow.

At least you don't have to do it.

That's good news, right?

No, it's not.

They're icing me out, son.

I am Kaepernick.

I can't believe they iced me out.

It's just one account, Dad.

Yeah, that they don't want
my opinion on, son.

You know, when... when that
happens on projects,

you know, it snowballs
to the next and the next

and then I'll be doing
radio ads for walk-in tubs,

and they're not the classy ones.

The plastic ones
that you add to existing tubs.

There's got to be something you can do.

I might have to quit my job, son.

No.

You know, son, when...

when you make a stand,
there are consequences.

Sure, black people are proud

when they see a photo
of John Carlos and Tommie Smith

raising their fists at the '68 Olympics,

but that protest got them death threats.

Muhammad Ali... he stood tall
against Vietnam,

and that got him arrested,
and they took his titles.

I wanted you to take a stand,

but I didn't think
about the consequences.

This is all my fault.

Kinda.

I'm just joking, son. Come on, now.

It's not your fault at all.

I have to always think
about consequences.

If I take a stand, does that mean I have

to pull you guys out of private school

or lose our house?

Damn.

Look, son. What I'm saying
is that when you protest,

it's not something that comes easy,

and I want you to appreciate that

the way that I appreciate you
helping me see

that now is the time for me to do this.

So thank you, son.

I'm actually prouder of you now
than I was 20 minutes ago.

Now.

Before we get out of here, let's, uh...

let's put some shrimp in the vents.

Hey. I'll see you later.

I'm going to drink margaritas
at the TGI Fridays

with everyone else who got fired today.

Well, that sounds fun.

Bye.

B... Hey, what you got on his head?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No.

We are re-enacting the Destiny's
Child "Survivor" video.

Hey, Beyoncé!

- I always thought of him as a Kelly.
- Aww, really?

- Hey, Boo. That's cute.
- No. No, no, no.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, my goodness.

What happened?

He... He fell while I was watching him.

Did that floor try to take a bite

- out of that baby?
- It wasn't bad.

- Bad floor.
- Yeah.

Bad floor.

Yeah, I see that.

When he gets hurt,
we pretend to get revenge,

and that makes him laugh.

Yeah, he's okay.

You're so good with him, Ruby.

Yeah, well, Rainbow,
I loved watching him.

While it lasted.

- I know I'm overprotective, Ruby.
- Yeah.

But I can't give 100% at my job

if I'm busy worrying about
who's taking care of Devante.

Yeah, he's gonna be all right.

- He's fine.
- Yeah.

Ruby.

Yeah?

Do you want to be Devante's nanny again?

Hmm.

Unbelievable.

I'd be honored.

- Come here.
- Thank you, Ruby.

Thank you so much.

Aww.

Now I'm gonna need
four weeks off at Christmas.

You know where I go.

Ooh, Splenda. All right,

and I know you think I'm above this,

but next, we gonna fill
this backpack with staplers.

Come on. Put it in there.

- Dre! Oh!
- Put the rest in your pocket.

There you are, hey.

Listen. Um, I was thinking,

um, how would you like
a much better parking spot

or, um, access to our Laker box seats

when the Warriors are in town

or, um, a shiny new necklace?

What did you do?

Well, we... we might have jumped
the gun with Hometown Market.

We have a great pitch for you.

So imagine I'm an urban mother,
and this is my child.

I'm hungry, yo.

Oh, should we get take-out?

Should we get fast food?

Or should we go to a competing,

mid-range, casual restaurant?

No, no, baby.

Auntie No No gonna give you
a plate from Hometown Market.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, child.

Well, that can't be good.

So, uh, we really need you
back in the room, Dre.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Okay, because I have some thoughts.

I can't be my best
when I'm wasting my energy

saving you guys from yourselves.

Okay? You're gonna need
to step up and do better.

Oh, my God.

I thought you were gonna
ask for more money.

Yeah, no, we can do better.

A-At least, we'll try.

How does that sound to you, son?

Sounds like a start.

- Thank you, Dre.
- Uh-huh.

- Dre.
- Charlie?

Where you been?

They asked me what I thought
about the Auntie No No campaign,

so I've been hiding.

I can't get involved in this.

I cannot have Black Twitter
after me again.

Don't worry, Charlie.

It's already been taken care of.

- My dad handled his business.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Dre's got a friend, college boy.

Did you just make your own slap sound?

- No.
- You definitely did.

No, that was... that's what...

that's what my slaps sound like.

Thank you for joining us
at Johnson Theaters,

the premiere spot for R-rated films.

So, tonight, we are screening "It."

My brother will now open the door

to a world of shocking violence,

inappropriate language,
and adult themes.

Jack, the code?

What's the hold-up?

I threw away the Post-it,

and now I can't remember the numbers.

Um...

0-0-0-1.

Dang it! Um...

I was promised shocking violence
and boobs and/or butts!

I don't know what kind of man I am yet.

I want a refund.

- Yeah.
- Refund!

Refund!

Hey, guys. No need to get upset.

We can still be
exposed to adult themes, right?

Um, okay, so here's what happened

on an episode of "Ballers"
that, um, I saw by accident.

Shh-shh. So, um, okay,

the guys are at a rooftop bar,
and it is going off.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com