Black-ish (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Episode #5.13 - full transcript

- _
- So, Junior's been interning

at Stevens & Lido.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for the opportunity.

- _
- And like starting any new job,

there were some growing pains.

Stevens & Lido.

Oh, yes, ma'am, Mr. Stevens
is in the bathroom,

- so why don't you call back...
- Bathroom?!

- ... in like 30 minutes.
- Hey!

- Cut it out!
- I'm so sorry!



- 45 minutes!
- What are you talking...

Don't answer the phone anymore.

- _
- Some major growing pains.

Thanks for changing that.

- Allow me.
- Thank you.

I have a meeting!

This almost never happens!

Which leads us to today.

_

I'll have the Italian sub.

Okeydoke.

And to make it easy on you,

I'll get the same thing.

Just make sure my meat



is on the outside of the sandwich.

I'm not even trying to touch bread.

Got to keep my shoulders sexy.

Do you just, like, not want bread?

No.

A sandwich with no bread
is just a pile of meat.

Dude.

Okay. Uh, lettuce and tomato?

Sure.

Have them put it in a bowl

and chop it up and throw
some dressing on it.

So, a-a salad.

Oh, my God!

Have you not had a sandwich before?

Is it... just me?

It was taking him a while
to find his footing,

but he was settling into
his role of intern.

Hey, Dad. I hope you don't mind...

... but I had a couple of thoughts

for the Southland Mutual pitch today.

Okay, well, I do mind.

- You're not ready.
- How do you know?

Because you gave me Charlie's lunch.

Southland Mutual... It's your money!

Southland Mutual...

It's your money!

Southland Mutual...

It's your money.

Enough! Enough!

You've actually found voices

more annoying than my ex-wife,

may she rest in peace.

We are going back to the drawing board.

- That is crap.
- Mm-hmm.

I might have a solution.

What?

If I may...

You may not.

No, no, no, l-let him go.

It's not like I'll be embarrassed.

What have you got?

Know this,

if the words "star" or "wars"
come out of your mouth,

I will knock you into a
galaxy far, far away.

Um...

I think the slogan works.

It's... you know, just
missing a little something.

Like, uh...

"Southland Mutual...

It's your money...

Yeah."

Hate it.

Hmm...

Interesting.

Yeah, that, too.

I-If you like that, I
thought about a "yes"

or a-a "yep."

What about a-a "maybe"

or a "okeydokey" or a "damn straight"?

Well, what about a "yes"?

What were you doing?

You guys were stuck,

and I thought my idea might help.

They always say a good idea
can come from anywhere.

Yeah, it comes from people
who sit around this table.

Leave the ad stuff to us,

and we'll leave the "not
knowing your place" to you.

Yeah, and everyone
leave my laptop to me.

This is a real computer

and not a toy that sends zoo e-mails.

But, wait, wh-what?

- Hmm?
- But, guys,

Mr. Stevens liked my pitch.

He said it was interesting.

You don't know what "interesting" means.

What if you took off all of your clothes

and your girlfriend says, "Interesting"

and then leaves the room?

Do you think she's coming back?

Depends... is it hot
or cold in the room?

Boy, that's not the point!

You spoke out of turn!

You could have gotten both of us fired.

Oh. I'm sorry. I...

I didn't realize that.

Well...

Well, I couldn't get fired

'cause I have a very
tight lawsuit, but you?

You don't have tapes.

You blew it, college boy.

Your days are numbered here.

Excuse me.

I have to go handle this...

business.

- What you guys doing?
- Quiet.

She concentrating on
my science homework.

Hey, hey, hey, get a few wrong

so that they know I did it.

You know that's the Stunts'
brand and everything, so...

Stunts, it's actually
pretty interesting.

- If you just...
- Pass.

So, uh, where's Dr. Bow at?

I got a weird mole I want to show her.

She's meeting with Mrs. Keeley.

You're letting Mom go to a
parent-teacher conference?

Ugh, rookie move.

Are you supposed to have street smarts?

We told her that they stopped doing

parent-teacher conferences years ago.

Yeah. She also believes

we don't get grades during
the month of Ramadan.

Look, the point is,

she's going to embarrass you,

like when she dances.

And it's gonna be sad...

like when she dances.

She's just talking to a teacher.

How bad can it be?

What's the deal-y, Mrs. Keeley?

Give me the real-y.

- I've got 40 more parents after this.
- Oh, that's fine.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Here's some of Kyra's
most recent test scores.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh! She aced these!

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Uh-oh.

Got that one wrong,
right there, actually.

There's only 114 elements,

unless they added four
that I don't know about.

They did.

They... They, uh...

Oh. Okay. Well...

guess that's why you're the teacher...

... and I am the doctor.

So anyway...

Kyra has a real aptitude for chemistry.

I mean, she's really drawn to it.

She gets that from me. Yeah.

I mean, I know she's only been with us

for, like, a short amount of time,

but I make a big impression.

- I can see that.
- Is it the shoulders?

Giveaway? Brr!

So, there is a magnet school nearby

that I think she'd be great for.

That's incredible.

Oh, my God, she must be so excited.

Oh, no. She is not into it.

- What?!
- Every time I bring it up,

- she blows me off.
- Huh.

I just can't get through to her.

Well, I-I will talk to her

because this is... this
is a big opportunity.

I will tell her how attractive
a magnet school can be.

Oh, my God, I didn't even
know I just did that.

Did you hear that?

Thank you, Dr. Johnson.

Yep. Yep, okay.

- I'll try one more.
- Thank you.

Hey... Ooh.

Ah!

Tough afternoon, huh?

Yeah, but you learned to listen to me

and not ignore my years of experience.

You won't do that again.

- No, I won't.
- Mm.

I just thought I had a good idea.

Of course you didn't!

You haven't had a good idea in a while.

Like, leaving Howard...

... that shirt.

- Come on, son.
- You're right.

I really feel like I
stepped on some toes.

Charlie won't stop texting me GIFs

of people getting knocked out.

Look, this is a teachable moment.

You messed up,

but you can make it right

by working twice as hard.

You're not gonna be a
superstar overnight.

Ah! There's our superstar!

- What?
- Junior,

the client loved your tag line.

- Really?
- Yeah, they did.

And I said there's nobody we'll find

who says it better than you.

So, we're just gonna have you record it.

Now, important question...

do you have an agent?

Uh, no.

Perfect! Yeah.

We'll just have you sign a
standard Motown Contract.

- Oh.
- But he has to get our coffees first, right?

Please, please. We'll get
someone less important

for that job. Uh, Josh!

Yes, boss?

- You're on coffee.
- Yes, boss...

Take notice, Dre.

One day, we could all be
working for your son.

- Great shirt.
- Thank you.

It's okay, Dad.

Look at this as a teachable moment.

A good idea can come from anywhere...

Yeah.

- Mom!
- Yeah?

- Big news!
- Ooh!

- Medium news.
- Tell me.

I am the new voice of the
Southland Mutual campaign!

What?!

Oh, my God!

That is huge!

Voiceover.

- Yep.
- Okay, d-do me a favor.

Say this for me.

"Previously, on 'Top Chef'... "

- Previous...
- Okay, it's not huge, okay?

The client just liked a little
pitch that he made, all right,

so he's just recording a demo.

- It's nothing to congratulate him about.
- Congratulations!

- It's nothing to congratulate...
- Thanks, Mom.

I'm gonna go upstairs and find out

how much bank Flo the
Progressive lady makes.

- All right.
- That is being proactive.

Whoo!

All right. That's exciting.

- This is terrifying.
- What?

The whole point of me taking him

to work with me during his gap year

was so that he could get
some real-life experience.

It sounds like that's what he's getting.

Getting lucky is not
real-life experience.

What happens when the luck runs out.

How do you know his
luck's gonna run out?

It's luck, Bow! That's what it does.

Oh, my God.

That's why Pops was so
hard on me growing up,

because he didn't want me
to get caught off guard

when the other shoe dropped.

I thought Pops was hard on you

because you look so much
like Ruby around the eyes.

- That didn't help.
- Mm.

But Pops was right.

You know, maybe Junior
does well tomorrow.

- Mm.
- He gets signed, he makes some money,

he impresses a girl.

But the girl only likes him
because he's on a hot streak.

Voice work runs out, so does the girl.

Now he can't sleep.

Stress builds! He needs a nightcap!

The booze doesn't work,
so he turns to medicine.

Medicine turns to pills,

and the pills he thinks is good

because they come from a doctor.

Are you on pills right now?

No, I'm not on pills, Bow.

I'm just thinking about our son

ending up in front of a hardware store,

trying to earn $10 the
best way that he can!

Okay. Yeah.

You are ridiculous.

- Me? I'm ridiculous?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay, s-sex for money, Bow!

Or him helping somebody build a deck!

Either way, our son's gonna
be wearing tight shorts!

Hey, Special K.

That's a drug reference, Dr. Bow.

Is it?

I knew that.

I came in here to talk to
you about getting high...

on opportunity.

Yeah, sweetheart, listen.

Um, so, Mrs. Keeley told me

about the magnet school.

I'm so excited.

So she also told you I'm not interested.

What?! Why not?

No, Kyra, this is a chance
to get a leg up in life.

You... You got to...

You got to take these
opportunities when they come.

I just see so much

- untapped potential...
- Untapped potential.

... in you, and it's just that you're...

- you're a leader, not a follower.
- Leader, not a follower.

Yes.

Yes. And I-I just think

you would really benefit from...

A change of scenery.

Maybe.

Ooh, my girl's psychic, psychic.

That's not what psychic is...

Yeah, I've heard these speeches a lot.

Kyra, I just...

I feel like you should change schools.

I think you should be somewhere
that has more to offer.

I'm good right where I'm at.

- Kyra...
- I know what's best for me.

You don't even really know me.

I know you!

What's my middle name?

- Ah... Psh, ah...
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

What's her favorite color?

Uh... Ah!

Turquoise... for both. What?

Kyra... Turquoise

loves turquoise.

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Up we go.
- All right.

- Well, listen, I... Okay.
- We're just gonna finish up our homework.

- I just want to be honest, though.
- Yeah.

I am terrible with middle names.

I do not even know if I
gave Devante a middle name,

- so it's not like I would've asked you that.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. So...

So Junior was set to
record the voiceover,

and I knew the right
thing to do as a father

was to root for him to fail,

and it looked like it was happening

in front of the client and all.

I... am so sorry.

Don't worry about it. Let's try one.

- All right.
- Okay.

Hey, give it your best shot, son.

All right.

Southland Mutual...

It's your money... Yeah.

Perfect. What?

- You nailed it!
- What?!

- Did I get the job?
- No.

Yes. You're the voice
of Southland Mutual.

- All right!
- But he only did it o...

Dre! Right, the client's
happy, we're happy.

Hey, that's lunch, everybody!

- Josh!
- All right!

What?

Yes, okay.

- What's all this?
- Everything you need

to convince a young girl

how rewarding a life in science can be.

This is my med school diploma,

these are medical journals

that I've been published in, and...

... an ATM receipt.

Yes, I know it's a little crass, but...

it's proof.

I get paid. I mean, it's a...

it's a little low 'cause we
just paid the property tax,

but you see how... Look at that.

All of this is to convince Kyra

that she should transfer
to the magnet school.

Come on, Mom.

Her school is where Stunts
and all her friends are.

Look how happy she is.

Oh, wow. Check that out.

She does look happy.

Yeah, I guess that would
be hard, you know,

leaving all your friends,
starting all over again.

Exactly.

Why do you think I haven't
applied to clown college?

Because I got the grades.

- Oh, look, you're in this one.
- Kyra, you guys, check this out.

- Ooh! Oh, you do not need to see th...
- Oh!

"I'm Dr. Johnson. I
keep on having babies

even though I know how bodies work.

And I get paid!

I mean, that...

that could've been any Dr. Johnson.

I haven't had a baby in
two years, little girl!

That put out the fire completely.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Hey! There he is.

Hey, we're just having some, uh,
celebration cake for Junior.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yesterday, he was a lowly intern.

Today, he's the voice
of a regional bank.

- Mm.
- Uh-huh.

And tomorrow, we'll be staying

at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

Check your inbox.

There's a bill for a two-night
stay at Circus Circus.

So you guys are just...

handing out cake now?

Dre, you once demanded cake
when you parked really good.

I backed in.

D-Dad, just have a slice of cake.

No, I'm... I'm good, son. Thank you.

- Come on, Dre.
- Hey, I'm a diabetic.

That didn't stop you
when we had that cake

that was shaped like a pair of Jordans.

You ate the laces like you
were "Lady and the Tramp."

Okay, well, y-you know what, man?

I'm... I'm more of a
cookies kind of guy.

That's your favorite topping for cakes.

Dad, just have a small piece.

I don't want the damn cake, all right!

What is your problem?!

First, I can't speak up.

And then I do say something
and kill it twice,

and you still can't give it up for me!

Why can't you celebrate my success

for even a second?!

You know what? It's whatever.

Wow, Dre.

You are a bad dad.

And I never felt so close
to you in my life.

We're gonna get through this.

Oh...

Hey, Pops.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I knew I should've read
the paper in the library.

Go ahead. Look,

when I get bored, I'm leaving.

Okay.

So you may have heard that Junior's had

a little overnight success.

Yeah.

Already borrowed 100 bucks from him.

He thought it was a loan.

Mm.

So what's the problem?

Me.

I basically hated on him
every step of the way.

All I was worried about

was making sure he was
ready for failure,

but, Pops...

- he hasn't failed.
- Oh...

I never had that problem with you.

You're in uncharted waters, boy.

Hmm.

So I'm supposed to just keep
preparing him for failure?

Yeah, if you want to be a good father.

The world is hard.

That means you got to be hard on him

so that nothing in life

- sneaks up on him.
- Hmm.

- Catches him off guard.
- Mm-hmm.

Like, uh...

when you made the football team.

Oh, man, I was so excited.

I ran inside to tell you,

and all you could say
was I was too small

and too fat and was never gonna play.

And I was right. You never did play

because you were too small and too fat.

Ah...

- Everybody called me Mini-Fridge.
- See!

I kept it real with you, son.

'Cause I knew the world was
gonna keep it real with you.

Yeah...

Yeah.

And...

it wouldn't have killed me
to let you have your moment.

Really?

Oh, yeah, son.

It was a big deal that you made the team

on account of your
height and your weight.

- Thank you, Pops.
- Mm-hmm.

Say, you know what? Maybe
it's not too late for me

to have this conversation
with Junior about...

- It's... it's... I...
- Oh, good Lord.

Good talking to you, too.

Hey, Kyra!

I got your laundry!

That's not my laundry. It's Diane's.

Oh... silly me. Oh!

Well, I'm here, so let's talk.

So...

I think I know why you
don't want to transfer.

You don't want to leave
your friends behind.

Nice try, but I really
just don't want to

- start all over again.
- Start all over again.

What?

No. Mnh-mnh.

I just feel like I've

- had enough change already.
- Had enough change already.

- Stop it.
- Mm.

I just... I'm just saying that...

That you don't want
to leave your friends

and your school?

Because they're the only constant things

you've had in your life?

Maybe.

I know it's hard to leave
everything that you know,

but... what if we find
you a great school

where you already know people?

What are you talking about?

Bow-Bow's got ideas.

Hey, son. How's it going?

Are you drinking?

Nah, it's a mocktail.

Helps take the edge off.

- Smooth.
- Ah.

Well, maybe

it'll pair well with this.

But, Dad, I had cake.

The problem was you wouldn't have any.

Damn it, son, I'm trying, okay?!

It's called a grand gesture!

It... Forget it.

Look, son...

I just want to say
that I'm proud of you.

You know, you spoke up at work,

- you spoke...
- Oh, yeah, man, it just...

It just felt like the right
thing to do, you know.

Okay, but that's not what I'm proud of.

All right. But after that,

- you got a shot at recording.
- Thanks, Dad.

You know, it... it really
just clicked when I...

But that's not what
I'm proud of, either.

You got lucky, and they
liked what you did,

and you got the gig.

So... are you proud of that?

Yes, fool! Yes!

Look.

I was raised by a father
who could only see

the bad things that could happen.

You know, did that help with my career?

For sure.

But then I got caught up

in only seeing the bad things

that could happen with you,

and I missed out

on the good things that did happen.

Son, I just want to say that...

you did great this week.

Can I pour you one?

It's just Sprite and,
uh, Tummy Time Tea,

but, uh, it'll get you there.

Get me where? Eh, you know what?

Never mind.

That'll be fine. I'll take it.

Neat.

Hi!

Guess what, guys!

Kyra has decided

to apply to Valley Glen Prep.

- What?
- Cool!

Remember who was there first.

They have a great science program,

and she's gonna be there
with people that she knows,

'cause of Jack and Diane.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Such surprising and expensive news.

And maybe Junior can donate

some of that Southland Mutual money.

- Ooh.
- Yeah!

No!

- Yeah!
- Okay...

No!

- Yeah!!
- Dre.

Maybe...

Turn off the light, man.

I got to get up at 5:00 a.m.

Stevens needs a ton of
copies first thing,

and I still got to hook up
Charlie's hippopota-printer.

What a dingus.

Bet you can't wait to not have
to work for those jerks anymore.

Honestly, as crazy as that place is,

I really enjoy being around
the whole creative process.

You think maybe you want
to major in advertising

when you go to college?

You know...

I don't really know if I want
to go to college anymore.

What's wrong?

I don't know what it is.

I just know that it's bad.

Oh, my God!