Black-ish (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Plus Two Isn't a Thing - full transcript

A lot of people are married
to their best friends.

- We complete each other.
- Sentences.

- He knows my favorite color.
- ***

- Always knows what I want for diner.
- ***

[All] We're each other's best friend.

Love Bow! Great wife, tons of fun,
wouldn't have kids with anyone else.

- Guess what I want for dinner.
- I don't care.

But she is not my best friend.

I've had the same best
friend since I was two.

Went to the same schools,
grew up on the same streets.

Over the years Gigi've seen me graduate,
get married, and even become a father



And I've seen her become Gigi Frankelin.

Now, a lot of women
would be jealous

if their husband's best friend

was one of the biggest
pop stars in the world.

But Bow knows Gigi
is like my sister,

so she doesn't care that
she looks like this. [Ding!]

What bothers Bow is
that we look like this.

- Ohh! That's what I'm talking about!
- Oh, hell, yeah! CP3!

- Oww! Ow!
- Mm-mm-mm-mm!

Yeah! Sports!

♪

Oh. Oh, guys. [Indistinct conversations]

- Dre: What?
- Just saw on TMZ

that Gigi was at the
in-n-out on Van Nuys.



- Oh.
- Oh, she's close.

I'm gonna go gel up.

- I'm gonna go re-comb my afro.
- Okay.

And for no particular reason,

I'm going to put on my bedazzled glasses.

- You do that. You do that.
- Okay, Diane.

I will.

I cannot remember the
last time that I saw Gigi.

Uh, it was the Grammys,

and I bailed you two out of Grammy jail

because she went after Iggy Azalea for you.

- Uh, we went after her.
- Mm-hmm.

And Gigi only got there first

because Iggy caught me with a lucky punch.

It was a series
of lucky punches...

long, insanely accurate,

deceptively strong, brutal, lucky punches.

Iggy's day is coming.

So, what's on the itinerary
for this weekend, huh?

Mani-pedis?

Paparazzi chase leaving mani-pedis?

Egging Iggy's house?

- Possibly.
- Uh-huh.

And I think it's gonna be
more than just a weekend.

She's thinking about moving back here.

Great.

'Cause when you two are together,

you are on the town nonstop

and I'm just an afterthought.

It may not be like that at all.

She's only moving back here

because she's getting
serious with her dude.

So, have you met this guy yet?

No, but his company is hosting a VMA party,

and I'm her plus-one, so
I get to meet him tonight.

Maybe I should go.

It's a plus-one.

There's no such thing as a plus-two.

That would be stupid.

[Doorbell rings] Zoey: She's coming.

Oh, oh, okay. All right.
[Indistinct shouting]

- Rainbow: Y'all are gonna get hurt.
- All right, all right.

- Where are my babies?
- Auntie Gigi! Hey!

Bring me my babies!

[Smooching]

Oh, my God! Look at all my babies!

Look at you, Diane.

Your glasses...
wait, look, look.

Twinsies!

She already has a twin.

Stop putting my business in the street.

Geege, can we please scroll
through your contacts?

You can scroll, but not call...

Unless you block my number first.

And then I don't care what you do.

Thank you!

Hi!

Ohh! Hey. Ohh!

You look incredible!

So do you.

Look at them curls
on fleek-a-leek!

- [Chuckling] Thank you.
- Okay. Okay.

Brother man, you know you
look better on facetime.

Well, you look like you just
got off a 14-hour flight.

I smell like it, too.

I-I bet you do. [Sniffs]

[Groans] Ooh!

[Exhales deeply] This
is some of my best work.

- Oh.
- Mm.

I kind of what you to smell it.

I don't... I don't
want to smell that.

Oh, come on. Get up in here.

See, now you got me
thinking if I don't smell it,

I'm gonna always wonder
what that smelled like.

Oh, I'm going in. I'm going in. Oh.

Get it, get it, get it. Ooh!

Oh, my God. He's smelling it.

Okay. Whoo!

- What I say?
- I can even taste it.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ugh.

Mm. Bow, you got to taste you some.

- I got you right here.
- Taste you some right there.

- Come on, Bow.
- No...

it's got your name on it, baby.

No, no, no, no.
I'm... I'm full.

So, I'm gonna
You know what?

I'm gonna go get us some wine.

Then maybe light up some scented candles

and just, like, open the windows.

What you been up to, boy?!

Knock out a wall.

[Laughs] A little more for you.

- Thank you.
- A little more for you.

Oh, this is a little more. [Laughs]

So... Tell us about this new boyfriend!

Yes. His name is Napoleon, right?

Yes.

Now, Napoleon reminds me of a dude

who has a 50-person church on Crenshaw.

- Dre! Don't...
- What? It's the truth.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Because you know we always
trash each other's baes, right?

Yes, we do! Always!

[Both laugh]

Wait, always?

- Well, you know, up... up until you, babe.
- Mm. Yeah.

- And then there was an abrupt stop.
- Oh.

Yeah, even though your name is Rainbow.

Yeah, even though your name is Rainbow.

[Both laugh]

Okay.

- All right, come on, Gigi. Let's kick it.
- Okay.

- Hey, what you want to do?
- Yeah, boom, boom, boom.

[Dre and Gigi talking indistinctly]

Man, Gigi has the life.

Yeah, it's amazing.

She and dad grew up on the same block,

but she's actually successful.

Guys, we can be like Gigi.

All we have to do is make a music video,

get 30 million hits on Youtube,

and... boom... overnight
viral sensations.

- Diane: I don't know.
- Pass.

Great. I'll sing. [Clears throat]

Um, we've all heard your voice.

It sounds like somebody's
stepping on your tail.

Ohh! Ha!

Admittedly, my body is
going through some changes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, so I'll be the producer...

like Phil Spector...

Without the wigs and murder.

I'll be the dancer/hype
man/soul of the group.

And I'll sing lead for obvious reasons.

Hold up. What about me? What do I do?

Um... Oh!

Here. Play this.

Why do I have to play triangle?

Why do you have a triangle?

- Well, it's actually a long...
- Okay, okay, check this out.

[Clears throat]

[Loud and off-key]
♪ I keep on fallin' ♪

♪ In and out ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

[Snickers]

What? Y-you think you can do better?

Oh. N-no!

I don't even
sing. I just...

no, no, no, no, no.

If it's so easy, then you do it, gurkel.

Ohh! [Laughs] "Gurkel." [Laughs]

"Gurkel."

♪ I keep on fallin' ♪

♪ Iiiiiiin ♪

♪ And out of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

Ohh!

♪ Sometimes I love you ♪

♪ Sometimes you make me blue ♪

[Laughs] Wow!

[Zoey laughs] That was amazing!

Why are you still laughing?

[Laughing] Because...
She totally humiliated me.

Where'd you learn to sing like that?

And more importantly,
what personal experience

are you mining to display
that kind of emotion?

[Whimpers]

Perfect.

[People shouting and screaming]

- The zombie's right there.
- Oh, God.

Oh, he's definitely gonna get bit.

Oh, my God.
Definitely. He's def...

he's definitely gonna get bit.

Oh, uh... I'm, uh, talking to Gigi.

Hey, Bow agrees.

She says he's definitely getting bit.

Okay, oh, God. Here it comes.

- Right?
- Oh, God!

I don't want to see! I don't want to see!

[Pauses tv] Oh, my God!

Wait. Wait, why'd you do that?

Dre, I wanted to see it.

Oh, Gigi had to pee.

So, why did we have to pause it?

Because we're watching it together.

Seriously, Dre? You just saw her.

Is this how it's gonna be every day now?

Are you back? Okay.

Uh, she's not back, so
finish what you were saying.

- Forget it.
- All right.

Oh, you back?

All right, let's un-pause it.

Three, two, one.

[Growling] Aaah!

He got bit!

Oh, my God! Look at the
blood! Look at the blood!

[Laughs]

I knew it.

Rainbow: Pam, I feel like I'm the
third wheel in my own marriage.

If Gigi and Dre are not sleeping together,

then what's your problem?

I should be his bestie.

She gets to do all the fun stuff with him,

and all I get to do is sleep with him.

Trust me, Bow.

You do not want to be
your husband's best friend.

Mm.

Ever hung around those
best-friend couples?

Creepy.

Always feels like they're
greasing you up for a threesome.

Oh. W-what?

Mm-hmm.

So, all of a sudden,

Bow is having a problem with me and Gigi.

Why should your wife be okay
with you having an affair

with a beautiful famous?

I'm not having an affair, Daphne.

I told you we're just friends.

Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I thought you were building
this fantastical backstory

to soothe your guilty conscience.

You guys really are just... Friends?

You disgust me.

Yeah, it's weird.

U-unless you're a gay man,

which, legally, I'm not allowed to ask you.

Lucy, ask him if he's gay.

Lucy, I'm not gay.

Whoa, Dre, nobody asked you that.

- Don't turn this into a witch hunt.
- Mm-hmm.

Lucy: I don't know. I have
tons of straight guy friends.

They drive me to the airport, help me move.

[Chuckles] You know, all the
stuff you'd never actually ask

a guy you're planning on
sleeping with to do... done.

Oh, my God.

That's just using people, Lucy.

You can have male friends

who aren't pretending to be your friend

just because they desperately
want to sleep with you

like Josh.

Oh. [Scoffs]

I don't want to sleep with you.

Oh.

U-unless you want me to.

Then I would do it forever.

Oh, God.

Look, there's something great

about having a female best friend.

Sleeping with them. [Both laugh]

No.

Let me ask you this
If I told you

Bow got on me too much
for watching football,

- what would you say?
- [Bleep] That [Bleep]

Whoa.

- And that is on me.
- Yeah, it is.

Okay, but Gigi would say

Bow just wants to spend more time with me,

and I should take her out on Saturday.

That way, she'll leave me alone on Sunday.

Eh, this Gigi guy sounds stupid.

No, no, no, no. This
is the kind of thinking

that could have saved two of my marriages

and prevented a third.

This female best-friend
thing... it's genius.

Total genius!

What?!

This guy is so stubborn.
Female friends, Dre!

Been preaching that to you all day.

- What the hell?
- Good stuff.

So, my co-workers
were certifiably insane,

but even they thought
there was nothing weird

about my relationship
with Gigi.

Napoleon thinks our relationship is weird.

What?

Yeah, so, he's gonna come
to the premiere tonight.

Okay, that's cool. We can all roll.

Dre, you don't get it.

You're not going.

You know more than anybody

that there's no such thing as a plus-two.

That would be stupid.

And then she said there's
no such thing as a plus-two.

Can you imagine something so hurtful?

I cannot.

I'm losing my best friend.
W-what am I supposed to do?

40 years gone.

Well, I mean, Dre, I haven't
known you for 40 years,

but I think washing your
underwear for even one day

puts me in the inner sanctum.

I...I could be your best friend.

What?

I'll be your new Gigi!

Bow, don't be ridiculous.

You're my wife, not my friend.

Well, come on. I love
shopping. I love manicures.

Put me in, coach. [Chuckles] I got this.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- We'll try this out.
- Okay.

But don't you dare say you love manicures

because those gels are six weeks old.

Already starting on the wrong foot, friend.

Dre. Let's get it together.

My nails are poppin'.

No, they're not.

♪ I keep on fallin' ♪

♪ In and out ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ I never loved someone ♪

♪ The way that I love you ♪

Wow! That was awesome!

We got to shoot this now.

[Chuckles] Absolutely.

I just have one quick question.

Jack, did you mean to clap
on the one and the three?

Yes.

Do you even know what
the one and the three are?

Yes?

Well, show me. Right now.

[Chuckles]

I'm sorry. Is this a joke to you?

Take it easy, Diane. We're
just having a little fun.

Oh. Mm-kay.

So, it's fun to miss a key change?

It's fun to be off-tempo?

Because if it is [Chuckles]

You guys are having the time of your life.

Uh, maybe we should all just take five.

Not till you tell me what's fun about this?

What is fun about this?!

So, Bow and I took our new
best-friend relationship

out for a spin.

Honestly, it
started a little bumpy.

Aha! What do you think, hmm?

That's great. I love it.

Mindless compliment, huh?

Okay, look, this was a mistake.

- What?- Let's just go home,
and I will die best-friendless.

"Here lies Andre Johnson,
survived by acquaintances."

Wh... Dre,
no, no.

Let me... let me
try again. Come on.

Okay. All right.

Now, is this too matchy-matchy,

or is this good
denim-on-denim? Talk to me.

- I genuinely like it.
- Oh.

I feel like it's just off
enough that it's perfect.

Okay, cool.

How about if I... oh, God.

Add this jacket, huh?

Okay, okay.

Just... just, like... just
getting all the denim.

Come on, Bow, I'm gonna need

Gigi-level honesty here, all right?

Okay. Okay, you...

You look like a farmer

attending his daughter's
wedding in Alberta.

- Ah! That was good!
- Yeah?

- That was a good one.
- Okay!

Yeah!

Okay, wait, I-I-I have
another one. Really?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, hit me with it.

Uh, those skinny jeans
make your legs look like

you've been in a wheelchair

for the last 20 years of your life.

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Sounds like that one's been
locked and loaded for a minute now.

[Laughing] 'Cause your legs are small.

Yeah, yeah, my legs are small. Okay.

Um, well, the goal is

to, uh, be honest and, uh, not cruel.

We'll find it. We'll find it.

Yeah, but, you know,
we're off to a good start.

Oh. Wow.

You know what? That jumpsuit is dope.

You like it? I don't know.

Yeah, it makes your butt

look like that peach
tower on "House of Cards."

I'm gonna buy this. Okay. High five!

- Okay. High five.
- We did good.

[Both laughing]

This is so much fun, friend!

Trust me, Di, I know you're frustrated.

It's hard when you're as
talented as you and I are.

But it's not just about talent.

It can be lonely at the top.

All these private jets
and five-star hotels

and endangered-species
dinners and...

wait, endangered species?

Are you raising money to help them or...

I ate the last dodo.

I want to eat the last something.

Of course you do. Everybody does.

But you don't want to eat it alone.

Di, success means nothing

if you don't have somebody
to share the ride with.

Thanks.

I know what I have to do.

I'm going solo, guys. Best of luck.

[Chuckles] You're probably going to fail.

She doesn't mean that, right?

Right?

Annie, don't be afraid to
hit them heels, all right?

Make her feet soft like mine.

You do have pillowy feet, Dre.

You can, too, baby.

Only five short hours to perfect feet.

- Whoa, five hours?
- Mm-hmm.

It takes less time to remove a brain tumor.

But can a brain tumor wear
an open-toe sandal? No.

No.

All right, this isn't
just a pedicure, okay?

It's a paraffin dip,
it's a sea-salt scrub,

it's a Brazilian wax, then
they gonna sugar-wax your...

stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Dre, you get a bro-zilian?

Well, those are the things that you learn

with your best friend.

Like I learned that you have the feet

of a Kenyan distance runner.

[Chuckles] Ellen.

[Speaks vietnamese]

[Both laugh]

Do you speak... Viet..namese?

[Laughter] I didn't know that.

Are you... are you
talking about me?

What? No.

[Speaking vietnamese] Rainbow Johnson.

[Speaking vietnamese]

The gods must be crazy. [Laughs]

What did you say?

[Speaking vietnamese]

[Laughter]

Why's everybody laughing?

Oh, 'cause I told her just
take a little off the top.

[Laughter]

Ugh, you were right. This best
friend thing was a huge mistake.

He's totally getting worse, Pam.

He just texted me 10 seconds ago

about a text he sent 20 seconds ago.

Yeah, can you just call me
on my home phone, please,

and, like, say there's, like,
I don't know, a massive fire

or something, and I'm needed at work?

Just get me out of here! Okay, bye.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, my God. Stop
it. Leave me Al...

Dre: Bow! [Gasps]

Aah!! Oh! Hey, my best friend!

[Chuckles]

Hey, hey, check this out.

Gigi just posted, "having fun with my boo."

Oh.

It's her and Napoleon getting mani-pedis.

Oh, no. Look at her.

You should go down there, like, right now.

Like, leave this minute.
Like, leave this house.

- Just get out of here.
- No, I'm not going down there.

- Oh.
- We're going down there.

- We're go...
- Uh-huh.

I'm gonna show them
what this magic is like.

- Okay.
- Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

[Vocalizing]

♪ 5-foot 2 with some attitude ♪

♪ And I can tell that
she get it from mama ♪

♪ Go ahead, get loose with it ♪

♪ Girl, don't be stuck up ♪

♪ Get up ♪

♪ Put your hands in the
air, now, jump, jump ♪

♪ Came in here to have fun, fun ♪

♪ Now, do your dance, don't be shy ♪

♪ Go to work like
a 9:00-to-5:00 ♪

- ♪ In your mirror, on your chair ♪
- Excuse me!

[Music stops]

Siblings...

It's a lonely perch for a solo artist,

so I come to you hat in hand.

I want back in.

- Yes!
- Oh, thank God.

Well, wait a second. Why
should we let her back in?

Zoey, you're still kind
of finding your voice.

You can't sing.

Check out what we've been working on.

[Slow-tempo music plays]

Zoey: [Off-key] ♪ don't
let it pass you by ♪

♪ black girl glitter
makes you high ♪

♪ and if people ask you why ♪

♪ tell 'em it's
because you're fly ♪

[Music stops]

You know what, guys? I'm good.

Trust your gut, Diane.

Thanks, Nikki. Okay, so, here?

Thank you, Nikki.

Hello.

Oh. Hi.

Oh, Gigi, I see you're here

having a good time with your best friend,

while I'm over here having an
equally good time with mine.

Dre, why you being weird?

- I'm not being weird.
- Yes, you are.

You're the one being weird, weirdo.

You abandoned the friendship.

Oh, hey, Ellen. Gigi.

[Speaking vietnamese]
Viet cong. [Chuckles]

- Viet cong?
- Yeah.

- Who you calling Viet cong?
- You.

- You, Viet cong, fool!
- What are you gonna do about it?!

What are you gonna do? "Fool"?!

I'm tired of you acting like
you're 2 years old up in here!

- Wait, whatever.
- You're causing a scene.

W-what are you talking
about? I was your plus-one.

[Both shouting indistinctly]
Okay, well, you must be Napoleon.

- Help me, please.
- Hi, I'm... what?

Gigi's crazy!

I'm a grown man in hot-wax mittens.

[Sighs] She Dutch-ovened me in my Tesla!

Now the battery's not working!

Wait a minute. What are you saying?

I-I don't have to deal with this.

I produced the VMAs. I have choices.

Well, I have choices, too. I am a doctor.

These hands were in
brain surgery yesterday.

These hands told Wiz Khalifa to wrap it up.

You did this!

You're the one that said
their friendship was weird!

It is weird. Look at them.

[Conversing in vietnamese]

Oh!

Dre: Didn't think I was gonna
come back with that one, did you?

- Well, at least they're weird together.
- Yeah.

I say we get out of here... while we can.

- Good idea.
- I'm going.

She's gonna pay.

Dre: Are you kidding me?

Did they just walk out of
here without saying goodbye?

That's totally rude.

At least he is.

Hey, I-I thought you and him were cool.

Oh, no, we're cool. I mean,
he might be the one. Oh.

But he is so boring to go shopping with.

His body is all, like, "boom, boom, boom."

It's, like, perfect. There's no challenge.

But you, on the
other hand...

I'll take your weird "little man
Tate" body to Fred Segal any day.

Oh, that's so sweet.

[Both laugh]

Well, since we're being honest...

What?

Shopping with Bow is no challenge, either.

Really, why?

Yeah, she ain't got the
same problems you got...

hats, visors, headbands.

She can just buy off the rack.

I mean, she ain't got to let nothing out.

Ah.

Yeah, it don't stretch
it when she put it on.

- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.

- I miss you.
- I miss you, too.

And I'm so sorry I bailed on you.

But I like Napoleon so much.

- Hmm.
- And I want babies.

And I want my babies
to play with your babies

and then grow up and be
best friends like me and you.

Hey, we're never going to
stop growing up together.

You're my sis, and I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

Come on, girl. Give me some. [Chuckles]

I'm sorry I started tripping.

- It's okay.
- All right.

[Children laughing]

- Hey, Bow.
- Mm-hmm?

- I need to talk to you about something.
- Yeah?

Gigi and I... we need
to be best friends.

Good.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. You don't understand.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I do. I do.

I do not want
to be your best friend.

- Oh, thank God.
- Right?

I mean, I was bothered by
what you have with Gigi,

and then I realized it is
a ridiculous waste of time

with no merit or meaning or
lasting benefit on society.

It's like a... like a drain
of global spiritual energy.

- It's like [Imitates suction]
- okay, you know, I-I-I feel like

you're trying to get to something else.

What's... Oh.

Oh, you're right. You're right. Okay.

[Inhales deeply]

I am not jealous of what
you have with anybody else

because I love what I have with you.

Works for me.

["It had to be you" plays] Muah. I love you.

Ohh, I love you, baby.

- We love each other.
- A lot.

[Both chuckle]

Together: But we are not
each other's best friend.

♪ I keep on falling ♪

♪ Iiiiiin love ♪

♪ Go, Didi ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ In and out of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Sometimes I love ya ♪

♪ Sometimes you make me blue ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel good ♪

♪ At times, I feel used ♪

♪ Lovin' you, darlin' ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Makes me so confused ♪

♪ I keep on fallin' ♪

♪ In and out of love with you ♪