Black-ish (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Colored Commentary - full transcript

Keeping a large family
together has its challenges,

and lately, it seems like

everybody's doing their own thing.

Ha-ha! Hey, game night!

I got Cranium and Jenga.

I also have Bananagrams.

Closed doors were not an option
when I was growing up.

I'll put that back when you move out.

But then I won't need it.

Keep talking.
I'll take this whole room apart.

When I was growing up, you weren't allowed



to separate yourself from your family,

which is why I try to find ways

to remind my kids that they're a part

of something greater than themselves.

Hey, babe.

Check this out. Look what I got today.

- Oh, those are so cute.
- Yeah, right?

- The kids are gonna hate them.
- But... maybe.

But they will hate them together.

Hey, hey, slow your roll.

I need to talk to you two.

Look, I want us to start operating

more like a team around here.

Spending more time together,
appreciating each other.



Dad, are you dying?

No, fool.

Look, we're all going to support Jack

at his baseball game,

and we're all going to wear these t-shirts

- to show family unity.
- Oh, that sounds great.

Except I'm not wearing the shirt
or going to the game.

Okay.

What I have to say to that

is wear the shirt or be grounded.

Can we take a minute to huddle?

Okay.

What I have to say to that
is wear the shirt or eat.

We're still gonna need that minute.

Black-ish - 01x09
Colored Commentary

2-1...

Okay, so when it's your turn next,

you focus, Jack, okay?

Focus, J.J.

I should've eaten this shirt.

I should've gotten adopted by Madonna.

I should've peed at home.

I think they're using
a different brand of hot dog.

I didn't hear the snap.

Did you hear the snap?

I hear my social status crashing.

There it goes.

Now batting number 9, Jack Johnson.

Let's see what this natural athlete

can do against this smart pitcher.

What does that mean?

What are you talking about, hon?

This announcer...
I don't like what he's saying.

Run! Run!

No chance for a play,
not the way this boy runs...

Like a panther.

Oh, come on.

Ladies, that doesn't strike
any of you as odd?

Natural athlete? Panther?

That's pretty coded language.

- Didn't pick that up.
- No? No.

It's okay. My husband will understand.

Dre. Hmm?

Dre, come here. I want to talk to you.

Nice hit, Jack! Way to go!

- My genes.
- Yeah.

- Dre.
- What?

Did you hear that announcer?

Not really. I was listening to my hot dog.

He said some weird stuff about Jack

that really raised my racial antenna.

Oh. Really?

Your race card, sir.

Ah, my African-American express.

I've been waiting
since yesterday to use you.

Hit me with it. What did I miss?

Okay, well, he started

- by saying Jack was a natural athlete.
- Which he is.

And then he called the other kids smart,

but he didn't call Jack smart.

Well...

Dre, and then he said our baby
ran like a panther.

That's cool. Come on.

Get to the juicy offensive stuff.

I got this race card
burning a hole in my pocket.

Look at him go!

This kid was born to steal!

See?!

What?

That is exactly what I'm talking about.

Did you hear that?

Bow, he said Jack was born
to steal bases, not TVs.

Sadly, I won't be playing
my race card today.

Very good, sir.

Will I be seeing you later at chick-fil-a?

Probably.

Why are you just standing there?

Because you're not gonna have me
going around here

playing the race card all Willy-Nilly.

- I'm not Donald trump.
- Are you serious?

Bow, I think this is
more of a sports thing

and not a race thing.

We think so, too.

Hey.

Thank you. Okay.

Dre, you're the Marco Polo of racism.

You find racism everywhere.

Because racism is everywhere, except here.

Okay.

Hey, Jack!

Run like the cops is on yo ass!

Whoo!

- So, that was fun, huh?
- Which part?

The part where you threw me under the bus
or the part where you stepped on the gas?

- What?
- You had me looking like a jackass, Dre.

You just left me flapping in the wind

all flippity flip flap.

I thought we were team Johnson.

We are, babe, but...

All those moms looking at me
like I was a nut.

Well, there were some dads, too.

Why do I blurt?

Even if you thought I was wrong,

which I was not,
you should've had my back.

Okay, so, you want me
to act like you're right

- even when you're wrong?
- Precisely.

And agree with you when I don't.

Yes. That would be best.

Ah.

Okay.

So, you threw your wife
under the bus, Dre?

That's a bad move.

I did the same thing to Margaret.

Broke up our first and third marriages.

I liked Margaret.

She was much nicer to me the third time.

Well, not to me.

Look, whatever your differences are,

figure it out, because we need
all spouses here tonight

for the museum event.

It's a huge new client.

Damn it! I forgot about that.

Hopefully, I can convince Bow
to go with me.

We need Bow here tonight, okay?

She knows all about art,

and my wife knows nothing about nothing.

That's what you get

when you make small talk
on a Southwest flight.

So, you spent all of yesterday
making me look bad,

and I'm supposed to spend
tonight making you look good?

- Yes, that's what I'm asking.
- Mm-hmm.

Plus, you look so sexy when you talk art.

- Dre.
- Hey, mama.

Talk some art for me right now, please.

Dre, stop it.

- Come on, baby, talk that art to me.
- Stop.

You mean like... Cezanne?

What about Cezanne?

Well, he was known
for his very tight brush work.

Damn it, you know I love tight brush work.

He would fill an entire canvas
with his landscape.

Don't stop. Don't stop.

- He loved to experiment.
- With what?

- Muted colors.
- Ooh!

- Stop it.
- Okay, okay.

Save some for the party.

Fine, but you need to tell Zoey and Junior
that they're babysitting tonight.

Babysit?!

But mom said Zach and I could wear
costumes to the new Marvel movie.

Yeah, I may not have thought
that one through.

Trust me, son, I'm doing you a favor

by not letting you do that.

So, we're stuck sitting?

Look, man, sitting is
something you excel at.

This is so not fair.

Not only is it fair, it's by design.

Your mother and I waited eight years

after you were born
before having more children

so we could take advantage
of moments like this.

- That's what I call planned parenthood.
- Up top.

Yep.

So, I was glad I dragged
my wife out from under the bus.

She was doing great.

Caravaggio's use
of Chiaroscuro is beautiful.

Unlike a Master Barista's
use of cappuccino,

which is delicious.

Coffee makes me poop.

- Oh.
- Mm.

- Okay.
- Okeydoke.

All righty. Okay.

My God. What have I done?

- She's not wrong, though.
- I know.

Don't say anything
'cause she's my best friend,

but she totally talks
behind people's backs.

I want some chunky monkey. I need it.

I'm bored.

I want to be entertained.

Oh, then why don't we play a game?

Follow me.

Stand right there.

Close your eyes.

I'm gonna be an awesome mom.

She should not have children.

Hey, Junior, can we play...

Guess we have to entertain ourselves.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Okay. Here we go.

Are you crazy?

You can't let them ride
down the stairs like that.

They need helmets.

Whoo!

Okay, let's get one thing straight...

None of this was my fault.

Dre you've been to the museum
since we opened up the new wing, right?

What? I practically live in that wing.

I love wings.

You'll have to come down when we
open our retrospective on Matisse.

Try and stop me.

There are two things I love...
Wings and Matisse.

Oh.

I couldn't help but to overhear you guys are
talking about one of my favorite artists.

He's wonderful.

I recently dragged Dre to one of
his exhibits, and even he got it.

I did. What?

I don't remember going to see Matisse.

I tend to remember doing things
I hate, but she's the expert.

I think that he is one
of the greatest surrealists.

I do, and this idea that what is real

lies right behind what you actually see.

I mean, that's mind blowing, to me.

Why are they looking at her like she
has a big, old booger in her nose?

_

_

Let me Google this real quick.

We did go see some artist
that started with an "M."

M-a, m-a, m... ooh!

Match ups for the New College
Football playoff system.

That's cool.

Damn it, Dre, stay on track.

I actually get uneasy

when I see a man in a suit
with a bowler hat

and there isn't a giant piece
of fruit obscuring his face.

Bowler hat... Magritte.

She's talking about Magritte.

Wrong guy.

I'm gonna tell her.

I can't tell her.

She said not to disagree
with her in public,

but this is different, right? Babe.

Ciao. Ciao.

I hope we get to talk more.

- Hey, babe. Yeah.
- Hey, killing it.

- Okay. Hang on.
- I love it.

Ooh! I love art!

That was amazing.

I was on fire.

No doubt.

I don't think anybody even
noticed that Matisse thing.

- The what?
- Uh, the Matisse thing.

You know, everybody was talking
Matisse, but you were talking Magritte.

Wait, are you... d... no.

- What?!
- Uh-huh.

Dre, get off the phone.

Hey, I did not interrupt
or contradict you.

You're welcome. You killed it, Dre.

You had time to Google it,
and you didn't tell me?

- Dre, I referenced Magritte like 10 times.
- I know!

You know a lot about Magritte.

Are you trying to make me stab you?

Dre, I can't belive you did
that to me again.

Hold up.

Are you saying I threw you under the bus
by not throwing you under the bus?

- Yes!
- What?

I don't understand the rules.

Okay, we've got one shot
to get this right.

Mom and dad can never know what happened.

Okay, team Johnson.

- Go. Just go.
- Look pathetic!

- Oh, my God.
- What...

What happened?

We had a little snafu.

But the important thing

is that Diane is conscious
and breathing on her own.

Oh, my God! Baby, are you okay?

What happened?

Well, after we all ate a bunch
of broccoli... steamed...

We were looking for family fun activities.

Yeah, something that would help us
bond with our younger siblings.

So, we decided
to play project runway, and...

- Mommy?
- Hmm?

I was modeling the shoes
you promise I'll grow into,

- and then I fell down the stairs.
- Oh, my God.

Classic slip and fall,
but she's not gonna sue.

- I don't think.
- Oh, my God.

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

This was all my fault.

I should've never bought you those big
shoes for your teeny, little feet.

Things weren't adding up,

and Bow was feeling pretty guilty.

I figured if I could find out the truth,

I could give Bow a clear conscience,

and she could give me a break
for my Matisse screw-up.

So I set out to investigate "CSI" style.

Oh...

It was time to shake some trees
and see what falls out.

Hey! Weak link, wake up.

Is this the big one?

Okay, I've got an earthquake kit
under the bed.

I've got cans of tuna in the closet.

I've got traveler's checks
in my money belt.

- Let's go!
- Hey, hey, hey, sit down.

How did the hole get in the wall?

Just like we told you, dad.

Junior just gave you up,

so you might as well confess now.

If he gave us up, why are you here?

Why are you here?

- It's my room.
- Oh.

Why don't you go holler at your wife?

She's the one who bought
those Mary Jane death traps.

- How...
- She almost killed Diane.

I'm sorry.

I'm watching you.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Now that I'm satisfied
your story holds up,

I'm gonna reward myself
with some chunky monkey.

Good night.

Oh.

You know, I totally forgot
that you love chunky monkey.

- Would you like some?
- Yes, I would.

I'm sure you would.

You know what goes
really good with chunky monkey?

What?

- Whipped cream.
- Mmm.

Mmm!

And the truth.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you everything.

Zoey and Junior totally abandoned us,

then Jack threw me in a basket,
then pushed me down the stairs.

- Hmm?
- More whipped cream, please.

- Use a spoon.
- Mnh-mnh.

So, I told Bow what really happened,

and I knew she'd let me off the hook.

So you can stop feeling guilty now.

Gee. Thanks.

Come on.

It wasn't easy
getting this info from the kids.

They closed ranks.

Oh, so they had each other's backs, huh?

They were team Johnson.

- Babe, you know what?
- Huh?

We can learn something from the kids.

No, you could learn something.

I'm good. I...

Yep. My peace offering to
Bow had gone unappreciated.

Time for my next strategy...
A common enemy.

And I knew just the one.

Foul ball!

Foul ball?!

You know, this is it.

I've had enough of this guy.

Dre, he didn't say anything.

What? You didn't hear it?

It was outrageous.

Outrageous!

So... you guys want a blow pop?

Not from you, snitch.

You went against the family.

Your candy is dead to us.

You broke my heart.

And another foul ball.

You and your foul balls.

You know what's foul? Everything you say.

Huh? The things that you say.

Natural athlete,
born to steal, foul balls.

It's offensive, all right?

You've got my wife, Dr. Rainbow Johnson,

all worked up, and she should be.

She could not be more right

about the offensive
and inappropriate things

you say about those children.

I'm surprised one of these kids

ain't come up here and kicked your ass.

I really don't know
what you're talking about.

Of course you don't.

Ignorant people never do.

So, I'm shutting you down right now.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean none of that stuff
I just said.

I had to make it at least appear

that I was setting you straight
for my wife.

You know, she can be
a little cuckoo sometimes.

- You understand, right?
- I do.

But what I don't understand

is why you turned off the scoreboard.

No, no, no, I turned off the microphone.

No.

Scoreboard.

Hmm?

Uh...

Batting seventh,

Aiden Schulman.

It's cool.

The plan to keep team Johnson together
had pretty much been reduced to ashes.

The kids were mad at each
other, and Bow was mad at me.

Hey. Can we talk?

Uh, that's okay.

- I pretty much know what you would say.
- Really?

'Cause there's a lot of profanity
just behind my eyes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe after dinner.

Eh.

I'm gonna eat later.

I'm gonna eat in my room.

I don't want to eat ale with the snitch.

I'm going outside.

Hey! Hey, that's enough!

Family meeting, living room, now!

Really?

Just me and you?

This is ridiculous.

I don't disagree.

Why didn't anyone else show up?

Maybe they don't respect you like I do.

I guess not.

Seems like the only thing left to do

is have some ice cream.

Hold on to that thought.

Ah.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, Dre.

Sorry to bother you at home,
but I thought it was better

than sending out one
of those crappy team e-mails.

- Cool. I don't read those, anyway.
- No one does.

I take a lot of time to craft my e-mails.

We're here about the loudspeaker incident.

- It was an incident?
- Yeah.

Yeah, we have some very upset parents.

In all my years, it's the worst
behavior the league has ever seen.

Worse than that old streaker

that wandered into the middle
of a tee-ball game?

Jeremy's grandfather has dementia.

Uh... okay.

So, we're gonna have to ask you to stay
away from the complex for two weeks.

And we've asked Jeremy's
grandfather to do the same.

Repeatedly.

You're banning him from the complex?

Are you serious?

He was naked in front of children.

No. My husband.

Bow, we got to do something.

And I'm sure even Dre would admit
that he acted like an idiot.

- Would, Dre?
- No, no, Dre would not,

because he is not an idiot.

People get carried away

at that stupid field all the time.

This man cares about his family,
and he made a mistake.

So, if you're gonna ban a Johnson,

you're banning all of us,
and that includes Jack, yeah.

And you know that boy runs like a panther.

- Yes.
- Very fleet footed.

- Good night to both of you.
- Okay.

- Yes, good night.
- Good night. Yes.

- We will see you in a couple of weeks.
- Thank you.

- That's ridiculous.
- Wow.

Hey, babe, did you really mean that?

- No. You're an idiot.
- Oh.

But I would never tell them that.

That is called having someone's back.

You're right, and I'm sorry.

But I wasn't kidding when I said
I didn't understand your rules.

They're really hard.

Just show me that you're there for me,

and never let me embarrass myself.

Cool.

But what about karaoke?

What about karaoke?

I really don't understand these rules.

What about karaoke?

I... okay.

I mean... I'm amazing at karaoke.

See what mom just did, Diane?

That's what loyalty looks like.

I'm sorry, okay?

Daddy had chunky monkey.

I would've broken for ice cream.

I forgive you.

Well, I guess you're only 7,
so I forgive you, too.

What about you, Junior?

He offered you ice cream?

Dad gripped me up out of bed
and shined a light in my eyes.

What?

So, there were a few bumps along the way,

but in the end, team Johnson
came together for the win.

One way or another,
we had each other's backs.

Little do they know,

I'll be kicking their butts
in Bananagrams later.

Yeah! Yay, mommy!

- Mommy! Whoo!
- Wonderful.

Thank you so much.
You want me to do another one?

Uh, do you want to do another one?

Only if you want me to do another one.

I want what you want, baby.

Okay, yes or no, I'm embarrassing myself?

I really, really don't
understand the rules.

That's a no! I'm doing another one.
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