Black-ish (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Prank King - full transcript

Dre: Halloween has always been
my favorite holiday,

and not just because it lets me show off

my killer decorating skills.

What? It doesn't look like a John Woo movie

when you decorate for Halloween?

Hmm. You must not be doing it right.

But what I love most about Halloween

is a Johnson family
tradition I like to call

"pranking the living crap
out of each other."

Guys, come here.

Come meet your new cousin, Colton.



Aunt Jill says be very careful

- when you hold him, all right?
- So sweet.

(All screaming) (Laughs)

You thought you killed the baby!

(Laughs)

(Screams) It's not real!

Bam! Oh, he kicked the baby!

(Shouts)

(Laughs)

But the kids also hold
their own with the pranks,

especially Zoey.

(Cellphone ringing)

Hey, Junior, there's a girl
named Sophie calling you.

Junior: Sophie?



Sophie's calling me? (Gasps)

Whoa!

(Thud)

(Groaning) Sophie.

But when it comes to
the most devilish pranks,

no one can top me.

What is...

A bra?

That's why they call me "the prank king."

Trashy purple underwear?

What's going on?

Who's in there?

- Rainbow: Who is in there?!
- What?

- Who's in the closet?
- Nobody.

- Who's in the closet?
- What closet?

(All shouting)

(Gasps)

You thought dad was
blowing up your marriage.

I'm telling you.

This long-standing tradition
really bonds us together...

At least, it does when Bow
can take a freakin' joke.

Dre: Good going, you guys. (Laughs)

Black-ish - 01x06
"The Prank King"

(Exhales sharply)

Oh, look at that...

A fake spider in my night-guard case.

(Chuckles) Aww.

The twins must have tried to prank me.

(Chuckles) Stupid twins.

Oh, my God.

Huh?

- It's you.
- What?

You're the stupid twins.

Come on, Bow.

Make an effort.

- Oh, that was my warm up.
- Oh?

You just need to prepare

to be dethroned this year, prank king.

What? Oh. Oh, you...

- You really think you're gonna get me?
- Yeah.

Huh. Your poker face gives away more

than an episode of
"Oprah's favorite things."

(Laughs) I knew it!

Secret Oprah fan. Yes!

Yes, I am. I miss her every day.

Don't you love her?

Here's a tip from the prank king.

Okay. Fake spiders...

- Yes?
- ... Bush league.

- Oh, come on.
- You want to prank?

- Use real spiders.
- What?

- Like that one.
- What?

(Gasps, screams)

Oh! (Grunting)

Oh, hey, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe.

I was joking, all right?

- It's fake.
- What?

But the superglue on that magazine?

Totally real.

What?

Dre, that is not funny.

- Dre!
- Yes, it is!

Dre, I have surgery in the morning.

Well, I'm about to go to bed.

What?!

(Sighs)

(Door creaks)

- Babe?
- Hmm?

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

You're so paranoid.

You always think you hear something, Dre.

No, no, babe.
I definitely heard something.

- Hmm?
- This could be it...

- The home invasion.
- What?

Okay, babe, babe, babe, babe.
You go and check.

- No! What?
- Go check.

Dre, you go check.

Okay, you're right. You're right.

- I'll go check. I'll go check.
- Okay.

(Exhaling sharply)

All right, family room... clear.

- Patio... clear.
- What?

Fridge... too clear.

- You got to shop. What?
- Dre.

Why do you have a
camera in the refrigerator?

To see what's in there to determine
if I'm gonna go downstairs or not.

- You know, saves me a trip.
- You are the laziest man I ever met.

What?

Are there any grapes in there?

- Uh, no.
- Oh.

(Door creaks) (Both scream) What?

Oh.

Both: Hey, babies.

Diane had a nightmare
and told me about it,

and now I'm more scared than she is.

Can we sleep in your room tonight?

Yeah, come on. Come on, come on.

Get in here. Just get up.

Get in here.

Ow. (Sighs)

(Sighs) (Sighs)

This is nice. Mm-hmm.

What the...

We wet the bed.

You guys got pranked!

Boo-yah! (Laughs)

Unh-unh.

These are 1,200-thread-count sheets.

Family meeting! Now!

Let's go.

What does that mean?

(Claps) Hey!

All right, now, as you all know,

pranking each other on Halloween

is a long and glorious
Johnson family tradition.

We know, dad.

So why do we need to hear about
it in the middle of the night?

Because the youngest members
of our team are confused

as to what constitutes a prank.

We peed on daddy.

(Laughs) Rainbow: Again, not a prank.

Hey, now, I'm gonna need you guys
to look to Zoey as your role model

'cause she is an evil genius.

I mean, Sophie really calling you?

(Chuckling) Why would she even
have your number, huh?

- Hey, but I...
- Shut up!

Baby girl, I'm really excited

about what you have planned
this year, all right?

Now, if you can somehow arrange it
so he ends up publicly naked...

- Whoo! That's a prank.
- I hate to break it to you,

but not really sure
I'm gonna prank this year.

Not really feeling it anymore.

- Rainbow: Wow.
- What do you mean?

What do you mean, you're not
gonna prank this year?

Baby, you're the only one
that inherited my pranking gene.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Why don't you want to do it anymore, baby?

Yeah.

I don't know. It's just kind of lame.

I feel like I've outgrown it.

Oh. Okay.

(Laughs)

Hilarious!

(Laughs)

What, you're serious?

Babe, you don't outgrow pranking.

Bow, are you hearing this nonsense?

- I am, sweetheart. She's a teenager now.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- These things are bound to happen.
- Oh, not to me.

Yeah, dad. I'm 15.

- I'm out.
- (Gasps)

Ohh.

Family meeting adjourned!

Kids...

- Don't look at me.
- It's okay, sweetie.

- Don't look at your father.
- No!

But she decided to bail
on the family tradition

that we've worked years at building, man.

This is the kind of stuff
that tears families apart.

The family that pranks together
stays together.

Wait, Dre. I think it's "prays."

Uh, Kris, I think you work for me.

(Shouts) (Screams)

Oh, God!

It stings so bad!

(Laughs) Boo-to-the-ya!

You just got Josh'd!

Josh... not my favorite guy,

mostly because he's always
asking me if I know Jay-Z.

But this... solid prank.

This is scalding hot coffee.

(Laughs) Burned twice.

Why is everyone standing around,
not working?

I pranked Kris.

Made his pour scalding
hot coffee all over his body.

Outstanding.

(Chuckles) Hey, good one, Josh.

Oh, thanks, Dr. Driggity Dre.

That means a lot,
especially coming from you.

Why is that?

Well, I know bros
aren't exactly into pranks.

Bros tend to be a little touchy
about being startled.

I think they're startled at the comfort
level in which you use the word "bro."

But, hey, I love pranks, all right?

Everybody enjoys a good prank.

- Boom.
- I am so not okay.

Oh, maybe you should get to the hospital.
We'll roll calls when you get back.

Ow! All right, buddy? (Chuckles)

(Groans)

- Hey, babe.
- Hmm?

Big news. I found a way to save Halloween.

Ooh, that's great.

I found a way to save a guy

that was at the bottom of a pool
for 20 minutes.

- But... but you go.
- Okay. Here's what I realized.

There's something about watching
another person's humiliation

that makes you feel good about yourself.

Uh... today, Kris got pranked

and the entire company
went out of a long lunch...

Not Kris.

Underwater for 20 minutes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Heart completely stopped.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And that's when it hit me.

What does Zoey love more
than anything in the world?

Watching bad stuff happen to Junior.

So all I have to do is
prank him in front of her,

and she'll remember how magical
pranking is and get back in the game.

And then the prank king is back on top!

(Laughs)

(Claps)

He drove himself home from the hospital.

Very little brain damage, so...

Good job, Bow!

(Laughs)

I enlisted Jack and Diane as
my accomplices to prank Junior,

hoping to show them
a non-urine-based stunt.

Can you help me with my legos?

I'm not sure I did it right.

Not sure?

This is a disaster.

For starters,

if you're gonna built
the cantina at Mos Eisley,

solo can't be here.

Where's his line of fire?

Think!

(Sighs) (Roars)

(Screams)

Chair monster! (Laughs)

Chair monster!

Zoey, you see the look
on your brother's face?

Priceless!

Priceless!

You can't put a price on it!

(Laughs)

I always thought I was gonna die that way.

Zoey, how cool was that?

You're feeling it, right?
Hey, I know you're feeling it.

(Scoffs) Not really.

It was actually kind of mean.

- What?
- I saw the light.

My entire life flashed before my eyes.

I got to do more.

Come on, Zoey.

That didn't inspire you to prank again?

Dad... grow up.

Wha... What was happening
to my little girl.

Well, at least I had Junior.

- I'm out, too.
- Uh...

Hey, guys.

Come on, g...

(Groans)

I used to be their king.

Now I'm just a fool dressed like a chair.

- (Jackson 5's "ABC" plays)
- So pranking was out.

But at least we had
an amazing family costume lined up.

♪ A-B-C- ♪

♪ easy as 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ as simple as do, re, me ♪

- * a-b-c *
- We were gonna be the Jackson 5

I was mid-'70s Tito,

and there was no better time to be Tito.

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ let me show you what it's all about ♪

♪ a-b-c, it's easy ♪

Hey! (Laughs)

Marlon, Jermaine, your polyester awaits.

- (Fabric tears) Ow!
- Ow. Okay.

- Uh, I don't want to wear that.
- It looks too itchy.

Very hard pass.

(Groans) Rainbow: Wait a minute.

Neither of you want to do
the family costume this year?

Junior, come on, man.

You love costumes.

Sorry, dad.

I...

Can you believe this?

Look, don't panic, all right.

We can still make it work
with the little ones.

Are you insane?
That... that makes no sense.

We don't have enough people.

What are we supposed to do,
walk around with a sign that says

"we're the Jackson 3 plus Janet"?

(Sighs) What's happening to our family?

- We're losing them.
- Oh, they're gone.

Look, we've become the family
that doesn't even eat together.

They'll move out. They won't call.

Hell, we'll be lucky
if they visit you in the home.

W-whoa.

Whoa, why am I the one in the home?

Come on, Bow.

We both know
that I'm not a good caretaker.

Just makes more sense.

Can't the kids take care of me?

So this was shaping up to be
the worst Halloween ever.

I needed something to cheer me up.

Ooh, look. An idiot in a trash can.

Josh, how long have you been in there?

All day.

I admire your dedication.

(Chuckles) Man, wish you were my kid.

I wish you were my dad.

I was joking.

(Scoffs) Yeah, me too.

My dad's awesome.

Oh. Oh, hey. Here comes Charlie.

Get him for me, all right?
I could use a pick-me-up.

Hey, Charlie! Come over here, man.
Let me holler at you for a second.

Uh, can you make it fast?
I have a hayride in 10 minutes.

It's 11:00 A.M.

Uh, this part of town is on curfew.

(Shouts) (Screams)

Ohh!

What the hell, man?!

I thought someone was trying to jump me.

See, Dre?

This is what I was saying
about starling a bro.

- Let me see, let me see.
- Oh, damn, Josh.

It looks broke. It hurts.

You should to go the hospital.

It's okay if you're late for the meeting.

- Okay.
- Hey.

I want to talk to you, man.

- Hey.
- What?

- Did I looked scared?
- Yeah.

(Chuckles) Weren't you?

No, man. I knew he was in there.

I wasn't gonna waste
an opportunity to sock a dude.

Charlie, why did you do that?

'Cause it's hilarious.

See, man, now he's gonna think

all those messed-up stereotypes
about black folks are true.

Man, he'll never stop asking me
if I know Jay-Z.

But don't you know Jay-Z?

A little bit. But that's beside the point.

Man, look. All black people
don't know one another.

Do you know Rupaul?

Yeah. I... I do, actually.

Me too. Cool chick.

While I might know a lot of black people,

it turns out I don't know my own children.

So, guys,

since it's just the four of us
for family costumes,

we were thinking we would go
as the Beatles.

Huh?

Ew. Beetles?

We don't want to be bugs.

No, no, no!

The Beatles.

The Beatles?

The Beatles.

I'm not hearing a difference.

- Are you?
- No.

Dre: You know what?

I'm gonna put an end to the
foot-dragging about Halloween.

Whoever puts on their Halloween costume

and goes trick-or-treating
with me and mommy

gets to eat all of their
Halloween candy on that night.

No waiting, no restraints.

Boom. Huh?

No, thanks.

We don't want any candy.

What?

No... no candy? W-w-what? Huh?

What do you mean, you don't want candy?

They learned about diabetes
at school today.

- What?
- Yep.

Damn hippy school.

- What's happened to you?
- Candy kills.

I don't want to go blind
and lose my feet.

Hey. You know what?

This is it. I'm out.

Oh. Halloween's over.

Oh, babe.

And you wouldn't lose both feet.

You just lose one at a time.

(Grunts)

(Grunting)

Dre! Dre!

Stop!

Stop it!

You're scaring the kids!

What kids?! We don't have kids!

Everybody's grown up!

You know, we don't need any of this!
Halloween is officially cancelled!

(Sighs)

(Chuckles)

No. No.

No! No!

No! No!

(Grunts)

Oh.

Stay down, sucka!

Halloween's over for you, too.

Damn it!

Dre: So, while my Halloween plans

stay at home were falling apart,

things at work weren't much better.

Gentlemen, last night, I received a
very upsetting phone call from H.R.

In the middle of my "Bones" marathon.

Now, Dre, a member of your team
assaulted a co-worker?

Um, it was an accident.

No. I jacked him up.

Uh, dude, I'm trying
to help you out, okay? Relax.

Joker jumped out on me.

It's, uh, my fault. I should have known.

Micro-targeting studies
show that 84% of black men

did not like being startled,

while the other 16% find it "messed up."

- What?! Man, this is crazy.
- Guys, guys, now, look.

Now, I-I-I love publicly
humiliating an employee

as much as the next guy...
Probably more...

But the risk of litigation
is just too great.

So from now on, Stevens & Lido
is a prank-free zone.

That's it. No more. (Groans)

But you can still put stuff
in people's yogurt

'Cause that's just fun.

(Laughs) Totally.

- Okay.
- Mm.

So that kind of put a dent in my day,

but this... this totaled it.

I came home and found my family
had gone to the movies

on Halloween without me!

(Chuckles) I don't need them, anyway.

More secret candy for me.

Got you!

They thought I threw you away.

Me throw out candy?

Ha! Who needs 10 toes?

(Chuckles) (Clattering)

What was that?

(Door creaks)

Hello?

(Electricity crackles)

What?

I'm not alone!

(Imitates shotgun cocking)

That's the sound of my shotgun,
in case you didn't hear it.

Okay.

Uh, all right, living room... clear.

Back patio... clear.

Fridge... still no grapes.

Foyer... clear.

Family room... (Screams)

Big black man!

Oh. (Laughs)

Junior: Look at him!

Rainbow: O-oh, God!

Oh, oh, oh!

Look, now he's making himself big,
like he's facing a bear.

(Laughs)

Oh, you guys... oh, thank you so much.

Thank you for helping me out this year.
Mommy really needed a win.

I tell you, (laughing) It's always
like year after year after year.

He's just... he's so cocky.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's like, God, how much can a girl take?

You know what I mean?

It's like... Oh, God.

(Sighs)

- Uh, are you okay, mom?
- Yeah, I am.

It's just, you know, he's a lot sometimes.

- Uh-huh. So, you know.
- Oh, my gosh.

He's army crawling into the living room.

Yes, he is. Oh, God!

- He's trying to go up the fireplace.
- (Laughs)

Does he not understand gravity?

- Rainbow: (Laughing) Obviously not.
- Zoey: Come on, Junior. What's next?

Well, I hid a Bluetooth speaker
in the living room...

So let's see what
happens when he hears this.

Go, go. (Glass shattering)

Oh, God.

I always knew it would end like this.

You know what 84% of black men don't
do when they hear a scary noise?

Try to figure out where it's coming from.

I'm out of here. (Whimpers)

(Screams) Got you!

(Camera shutter clicking)
(All shouting)

That's right! We pranked you, prank king!

(All shouting)

- You were so scared.
- You almost peed on you!

(Laughter) Hey, it's not funny.

That is not funny.

Actually, it's extremely funny.

We made you think that we hated Halloween,
and you bought it.

- Yeah!
- Uh, guys? Just a second.

Just a second.

I got to make sure my husband knows
that he's my prank bitch!

(Laughs)

- Guys, there's a dude in our backyard.
- What?

Oh, my God! Oh, my...
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Dre: Oh, my God. Okay, okay, let's get...

(Door opens, closes) (Shouts)

(All scream)

Okay.

The look on their faces... pure terror.

The look on my face... pure joy.

Because the prank king
was way ahead of them.

I figured out the other day
they were planning something,

and I anticipated
my family's every move...

Except this one.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Kick him till he's dead!
- No!

No, no, no! Bow!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Get back. It's Josh.

You all right?

Uh-huh.

Josh from work.

Hi. Yeah.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you so much.

What the hell is going on?

- Do you have any ice?
- Oh.

Someone need some ice? (Laughs)

Sorry.

I was gonna do the whole scare thing,
but I heard you all having a chit-chat,

so I poured myself some scotch.

I... My Macallan 18?

Okay, someone needs to tell me
what is going on!

- * Yeah, I'm paranoid, I'm trippin' *
- Diane: What?

So ripping down the decorations

and doing a reverse Santa Claus back up
the chimney was all a part of the plan?

Babe, I had to let you think
that your little plan was working.

(Groans) The takeaway...

Don't plot against me

and forget that there's a camera
in the refrigerator.

(All groan) Oh, no!

Look at that.

Ha! He totally bought it.

Standing there all sad in his tito outfit.

Nuh-uh.

(Chuckles) Look at your mama.

Next step... the break-in.

- You heard everything!
- Yeah, I saw it.

Oh, come on.

You guys, who ate all the grapes?

(Laughter)

Those were my grapes.

Zoey: You know what?

You out-pranking us was actually
pretty awesome, dad.

Can't wait to get you back next year.

Aww, thank you, baby girl.

That means a lot, and I know you meant it

because you weren't looking
at your phone when you said it.

Wait. What?

I...

- Babe, I got to hand it to you.
- Oh.

You really tapped into my biggest fears.

Home invasion?

No. (Laughs)

The thought of you guys growing up.

That scares the hell out of me.

Please don't do it
for another 15, 20 years, okay?

- Okay.
- Aww.

- Uh, you all got a maid?
- What?

'Cause she's gonna have to clean
that microwave.

(Chuckles)

It's filthy.

♪ Slow down ♪

♪ slow down ♪

♪ slow down ♪

♪ slow down ♪

♪ stop! The love you save
may be your own ♪

Dre: So it was a good Halloween after all.

Turns out, the Johnson family traditions...

- * You better stop *
- Were stronger than ever...

- * The love you save may be your own * .
- ... Including the one where I do this.

Hey, son, hold out your right hand.

- All right.
- Watch this.

- * You're headed for the danger zone *
- (Laughs) Prank king!

Afro!

Afro!

You know Jordan? (Scoffs)

Yeah, I met him at a golf tournament once.

(Groans)

What about Ray from Account?

Of course! I don't play with my money.

- Craig and them?
- No!

(both laughing)

Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

- From Long Beach?
- Yeah.

- I went to their barbecue last summer.
- Damn it!

Josh can't be right.

Between the two of us, there has to
be a black person that we don't know.

- Dionne Warwick?
- Wonderful woman,

generous lover. (Laughs)

- What!?
- What?

I didn't... I didn't say nothing.

Hm.