Black-ish (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Nod - full transcript

- Hi, Zoey!
- What's up, Zoey?

DRE: Funny thing about evolution,

some species flourish
in any environment.

Zoey, how the hell
does everybody here know you,

but nobody knows your brother?

Bye, Dad.

And bye,
kid who rides to school with me

and who some may think resembles me,

but is in no way related to me.

DRE: But some species struggle.

Oh, no! My Hobbit Shire!



Son, why are we the only ones
carrying an extra-credit project?

Well, it's not extra credit, per se...

- More so extra acknowledgment.
- Ah.

You had me drive all the way to Azusa

to get virgin wheatgrass
for an acknowledgment project?

Your ass lucky we in public.

DRE: But the thing that always
helps you through your struggle

is having a sense of community.

Hey.

Why didn't you give that kid the nod?

- The nod?
- Yes, the nod.

To acknowledge that you've seen him.

But I don't know him.

What does that matter?



You two have something in common.

Oh, my God.

You don't even know
what you have in common, do you?

No! My Hobbit Shire!

Pops, you should have seen it.

The boy just stared at him.

No nod, like his neck was broken.

Well, maybe something
is wrong with his neck.

Did you ask him?
Something wrong with your neck, boy?

What? No. I mean... I don't think so.

RAINBOW: So he didn't nod
at somebody.

I don't get what the big deal is.

Of course you don't.

Look, babe, the nod is important.

It's the internationally
accepted, yet unspoken,

sign of acknowledgment
of black folks around the world.

- Thank you very much.
- (APPLAUSE)

DRE: So, no matter who you are
or where you're at,

it's your duty to give the nod.

Even in the most extreme
of circumstances,

we always found a way
to let each other know,

"I see you, bruh."

Dre, please do not turn this
into yet another thing.

The truth is that Junior's generation

has a different perspective
on the struggle than you and Pops.

Can't you just let that be a good thing?

- No!
- Okay.

Bow, the nod is
on the same primal level

as a baby waving "hi."

- That's right.
- Uh-huh.

As a man scrunching up his face

when a woman with a big butt walks by.

- Ah!
- Whew!

Oh, my God.

You don't do that, either?

I have failed!

- Pops...
- POPS: I'm sorry, Junior.

Much as I hate to admit it,
my idiot son is right this time.

This is basic stuff.

Even the butt thing?

Especially the butt thing. Basic black.

DRE: What...

Wow.

Thank you, Pops.

POPS: Oh, you're welcome, son.

You did hear me call you an idiot, yes?

Yes. Noted.

Well, I've got a 7:30 online call
for Ghost Recon, so...

Hey, Pops,
we fought too hard for these kids.

They have nothing left to struggle for.

Can't that be a good thing?

- No.
- DRE: No!

Hey, Zoey, I was... Okay.

I know, right?

Like, she just comes up to me
and starts talking.

That's what I have to deal with.

(SIGHS)

Hey, guys. What you doin'?

- Making posters for career day.
- Career day.

Ooh, career day. Oh, my God.
I love that. So awesome.

Jack, what are you drawing?

It's me performing
at the Rose Bowl in eight years.

I want to be a teen sensation.

Is that a job?

You tell me.

Let me see. Whoa.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

Boom!

Can't argue with that.

No money? Is this a joke to you?

No... What?

(SIGHS)

Oh. Test tubes!

Like mother, like daughter.

- Those aren't test tubes.
- Oh.

They're energy drinks
for an ad campaign

aimed at kids who are too young

- to drink energy drinks.
- Hmm.

I want to work in advertising, like Dad.

Wait. What do you mean?

Wait, sweetheart,
I thought you wanted to be a doctor,

like Mommy.

And wear the same thing
to work every day.

- Well...
- Hmm.

How long do you have to
go to school to be a doctor?

Well, there's four years of college,

and then there's four years
of med school,

and then three years of...

- I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Okay.

Daddy just went to college,

and he's got all three pair of Yeezys.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you.
You are my only hope.

Zoey is obviously gonna marry well.

Probably several times.

Junior, I mean, we're lucky

if we get him out of the house
before he's 30.

Optimistic.

And then there's Jack.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

I know.

Sweetheart... I need you on this one.

Do you understand?

Mmm-mmm.

DRE: So, I started to think
that maybe I was making too big a deal

of this whole nod thing,

and then it happened.

Ripped By mstoll

What up, man? Dre.

Dre Johnson, the big SVP.

- I know who you are.
- (CHUCKLES)

Charlie Telphy. They just brought me
on as the new account manager.

- Oh. Well, welcome, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, where'd they bring you from?

Starbucks. Headquarter up in Seattle.

- It's rainy up there.
- Mmm-hmm.

Wet and sad. This move saved my life.

- Glad that happened for you, brother.
- Yeah, yeah.

Lot of bad stuff happened
up there in Seattle.

Okay. Well, look,
I'll catch you later, brother.

Yeah, yeah, you will.

Unless you heard something
I don't know.

Like what?

Like they're gonna fire a brother
right after hire.

- Uh, no.
- They wouldn't do that, right?

- You're cool, man. Everything's all right.
- (CHUCKLES)

'Cause I do my work.

- Uh, okay. Good.
- All right?

- I'm-a see you around.
- Oh, okay. All right.

- Yes, sir.
- All right. Okay, cool.

- You good?
- Yeah, I'm good. You?

- All right?
- Oh, again!

- All right, now.
- Yeah.

DRE: Nice guy.

I mean, he was a bit of a hugger

and a double dapper, but who cares?

We connected, and that's
what I wanted for Junior.

I need to get my boy some of this.

White guy. White guy. White guy. Wow.

There really are no black guys
your age at your school.

- Hey. What about him?
- He's Filipino.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sure
that's what his mother tells him.

Hey, what about that dude?

JUNIOR: Sri Lankan.

Not even a real place.

(GASPS) What about him?

JUNIOR: He's from Malawi.

Where's that?

Africa.

Pass.

Why doesn't Zoey have to do this?

I have black friends.

You know, I'm cool,
plus I'm black, which is cool,

so I win twice.

Wow.

The black pool at your school
is very shallow.

- It is?
- Mmm-hmm.

I haven't noticed.

DRE: Of course he hadn't.

It wasn't Junior's fault.
This one was on me.

I'm the one who put him
in that private school.

I had made him the fly in buttermilk,

so it was up to me to make it right.

I was determined to find Junior
some black friends.

Hey, boys.

You like chips and soda?

Huh?

What are you, 12? 13?

No, no, no, no! No, no.

Nothing weird. No, nothing weird.

Just looking for some young black boys
to bring back to my house.

(DIALING)

Uh, ma'am?

After hearing that back in my head,

you are doing the right thing.

I'm gonna roll off now.

- (TIRES SQUEAL)
- All right.

DRE: Stupid child molesters.

Can't even invite kids
back to your house

for delicious snacks anymore.

Cheetos, chips,
cheesy chips, and snickerdoodles.

What a waste.

I can't believe I bought
all this stuff for nothing.

So, you were trolling for boys?

I was not trolling.

I saw the best candidates,
and I made my pitch,

which, by the way,
had that lady not been sitting there,

would have resulted in us having
three beautiful black boys in our home.

Problem solved.

- Hmm.
- Uh...

You're wearing the same thing again.

- Oh.
- Shocking.

(CHUCKLES)

Dre, we need a sensible method
to find Junior some black friends

that's not gonna result
in your prosecution

or imprisonment, okay? (GASPS)

- Oh. Oh. I've got it!
- What?

Boom.

- The Leimert Social Club?
- Yeah.

(SCOFFS) Sounds like a bougie club
for rich black kids.

- No, thank you.
- No, no, no!

They have get-togethers.

Uh, community outreach,
cultural enrichment.

Sounds culty.

It's not culty, Dre.

Look! Look at this.

Black people gardening.

When was the last time you saw that?

You mean besides
our nation's 400 years

of nonconsensual gardening?

Okay, fine, so it may be not your thing,
but it might be Junior's thing,

- so you just need to try it.
- All right.

Anyway, I need to
go to my very cool job,

where I save lives and get to wear

clogs and toe socks.

(CHUCKLING) What?

Okay.

DRE: I'm not one to keep an open mind
or listen to people,

but I was desperate,

so I decided to check out
the Leimert Social Club.

So, we at Leimert Social Club
have certain core values

of service, leadership, and collegiality.

Tell us what you're looking
to get out of your membership.

More black friends for my son.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

I'm sure he'll make plenty of friends,

but, specifically, what ways

- would you like to see him enriched?
- Mmm.

Like, an overall blackening.

Think of the boy as a piece of salmon
and your club as the skillet.

I'm not sure
you understand what we do.

Oh, no, no, no. We know what you do.

Cotillions, special events,
fundraisers, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, it's all right there.

See, what we're interested in
is the horde of black children you have.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, we don't refer
to our children as a horde.

Oh, fair enough. Fair enough.

But, for example,

what concentration of black
are we talking about?

Yes.

Are we talking raw, uncut Biggie black

or low-cal Drake black?

- Excellent question, son.
- Thank you, Father.

DRE: So, as we came
to the mutual agreement

that The Leimert Social Club
probably wasn't for us,

Bow was attempting a little
social engineering of her own.

I thought you said we were
taking the day off of school

to do fun stuff, like get frozen yogurt.

We are doing fun stuff.

After I show you all the very cool stuff
that I do here,

we're gonna go downstairs
to the cafeteria,

and, because I'm a doctor,

you're gonna get
some free frozen yogurt.

Free or not, hospital yogurt
is not how I saw my day going.

Huh. So, look at this, Dee.
This is my workstation.

See, I put an IV into the patient's arm,

and then I monitor their vitals

during the procedure

to make sure that they don't die.

- Mom.
- Huh?

Do you know what's better than all this?

What?

Last week, at Dad's job,

Justin Bieber
wrestled Kevin Durant's dog

for the rehearsal of a Nike commercial.

The rehearsal.

Got it.

I make sure people don't die.

But at Dad's job,
they actually wrestle people.

Mommy saves people. Just saying.

Can we go now?

DRE: Meanwhile, I still needed to
figure out how to help Junior,

so I retreated
to my favorite thinking spot.

CHARLIE: 'Sup, Dre?

Executive washroom.

Nice!

Good thing they never lock it.

DRE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's stop right here.

Does this guy
not know urinal protocol?

You start on the ends,
always leaving a buffer.

See these two right here?

These are your spacers.
They're just for show.

They are never to be used
under any circumstances.

And above all else,
never make direct eye contact.

And you never...

I see you representin'.

Holding it di-down over there.

What are you... Charlie...

- What's up, Charlie?
- Oh, nothing, man.

You know, just trying to stay
two steps ahead of the man.

- You dig?
- Yeah.

What's wrong, Dre?
You're looking pensive.

Oh. Uh, maybe this is just my pee face.

No. I know your pee face.

There's something else going on.

DRE: I don't know if it was because
he knew my pee face

or because I was desperate
to change the subject,

but I downloaded him on
what was going on with me and Junior

and, believe it or not, Charlie
had a pretty interesting take.

Look, all your son needs to do
is understand the struggle.

- You get me?
- Hmm.

Take him back to the 'hood.

DRE: Charlie may not have known
all the urinal decorum,

but he was a'ight.

Whew! Whew!

Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

So, wasn't lunch awesome?

Yeah. I love warm chicken-noodle soup.

Look. This is our locked drug cabinet.

It is filled with very dangerous
and very powerful narcotics,

and there is only one key, and I have it.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(GASPS) Oh, my God!
How long has this been like this?

They're gonna take my key from me.

WOMAN: (OVER PA)
Dr. R. Johnson to the ER.

Okay, that's me.

Listen... Nurse Larry?

Uh, this is my child. I'll be right back.

You stay with him, okay?

Hi.

Hey.

(SIGHS)

I like your glasses.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

DRE: Ah...

This is it, son. Look at that. Look at that.

This is the place that made me.

Being here will teach you

everything you need to know
about the struggle.

A kid in the bathroom asked me
if I wanted to buy a police car.

Ah. The lessons have already begun.

And some of the best lessons
you'll ever learn

will be right here on this court.

Look at this, pickup game.

Definition of instant camaraderie.

Five strangers coming together
to form one team.

We got to get you out on the court, son.

Come on.

Yo! We got next!

Yeah, stretch it out, son.

What the hell are you doing?

Pilates.

Think I got it.

Just bear with me one second.

Here we go. Look.

Rubber turkey.

(IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLING)

I love it, man who has a woman's job.

Ooh.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- Do you know where the...
- Yeah.

Patient's lost consciousness.

Get him into surgery.

(INDISTINCT TALK)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(EKG FLATLINING)

Oh, my God.

Baby! How much did you see?

All of it.

You're yelling at me for Junior
getting tomahawked on.

You took Diane to the hospital.

She saw a tomahawk
in somebody's skull!

I know! I know! Oh, my God!

I traumatized our daughter.

Diane's broken,
and Junior telegraphs his passes.

Here it comes!

- We're horrible parents.
- Horrible.

- (MICROWAVE BEEPS)
- DRE: Hey, Rachel.

What's up, Charlie?

Dre! What's up, baby?

Oh, my God. Heaven on a spoon.

You got to try this. (CHUCKLES)

You know,
I'm not a big soup sharer, brother.

- I'm good.
- No, you're not,

and I ain't about to have you being mad
at me for not making you try this.

- Now open up. Get some.
- Hey, hey, Charlie...

Hard pass, man.

All right, you need to pump your brakes.

All right, player. I'm pumping.

You know, you've been
riding my bumper pretty tough.

Hey. Relax.

My bad, dawg.

I'm just, you know, just
trying to fit in a little bit.

You know, me and my son,
we're new out here,

don't know nobody, you know.

Especially no black people.

- No worries.
- Sorry, man.

Hey. You say you got a son?

Yeah, around the same age as yours.

We should get them together, man.
What's he doing tonight?

He wide open. I could drop him off.

And wait outside.

And listen to my T.D. Jakes tapes
by myself and...

Hey, hey. Hey. Charlie.

Charlie, how about you both
come by for dinner?

- That would be great!
- All right.

- What time?
- 7:00.

Cool. We'll be there before 8:00.

Okay, that's cool, brother.

No later than 8:30.

- Hey, Charlie?
- 9:00?

- Pump your brakes.
- I'm pumping. I'm pumping, brother.

No later than 10:00.

Hey, sweetie. Hi.

You know,
I've been meaning to talk to you.

I was so excited
to bring you to the hospital,

but I'm really sorry that

you saw all those terrible,
terrible things.

I saw a man with a hatchet...

I know.

...in his head.

It was...

Awesome!

Excuse me?

And that guy with coyote bites? Sweet!

And you said sometimes people die,

and it could be the doctor's fault,

but no one can actually say so for sure.

Right?

- Right?
- Right.

- Technically, that is true.
- Hmm.

I definitely want to be a doctor.

Definitely.

I'm gonna go tell Jack.

He'll be so jealous!

Yes!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Dad, do we really have to do this?

I was kind of hoping that
my first blind date would be with a girl.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping
you wouldn't need a blind date.

It's okay, sweetie.

Hey, hey! What's happening, Dre?

- How you doing, man?
- All right.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

You must be Rainbow.

I am.

- I brought you some flowers.
- Oh. How nice!

It's so lovely. It's a wrist corsage.

Nice.

This is my son, Eustace.

We call him "useless."

(LAUGHTER)

You're the only one who calls me that.

That's 'cause I love you!

And you don't do a whole lot.

Okay. Have you eaten already?

- What?
- The, uh...

Oh. It's just burgers.

- Nothing much. Just burgers.
- Okay.

Hey, son, why don't you go kick it
with your new black friend, all right?

Take him upstairs.

Uh, so, is there a Mrs. Telphy, or...

Oh, actually, we...

We're going through
a pretty nasty divorce right now.

EUSTACE: You are?

Just go upstairs and play!

All right, well, let's go into...

All right. Yeah, let's go get comfortable.

- Sure.
- Can I take that burger?

No. No.

Oh. Okay.

You know,
when your wife cheats on you,

then shoots you,

you'd think you'd feel angry.

And I did.

But I also felt inadequate.

Everything shut down.

All this stuff down here
stopped working a long time ago.

All right.

Yeah. Now I know
why they call it "junk."

RAINBOW: Okay.

Well...

I think that meatloaf is
chasing that burger to the exit,

if you know what I'm talking about.

- You know what I'm saying.
- I do now.

Um, which bathroom is no one using
for the rest of the night?

Whichever one you use.

All right.

Yeah, yeah. Top of the stairs, to the left.

Top of the steps? I'll find it.

If I don't, then y'all got a problem, right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

So, your friend seems nice.

Okay, babe, Charlie isn't for everybody.

Charlie isn't for anybody.

Not only were we verbally accosted,

he has no boundaries.

He showed us JPEGs
of his rectal polyps.

Which were benign.

Babe...

Showing empathy towards Charlie
is a part of the struggle.

I'm tired of the struggle.

Look, babe,
Charlie may have some idiosyncrasies,

but if this is what it takes
to get Junior a new black friend,

so be it.

Okay, fine.

Dre! Dre!

Look what I found in your closet.

OG Air 1 s!

Huh!

Oh, no.

Please take my shoes off.

And they feel like you ain't
never wore these before.

Please take my shoes off.

- And guess what.
- Please take my shoes off.

Just guess!

And you're not wearing socks?

And we wear the same size! Huh?

Hey. Eustace. It's time to go.

Your dad is ready to go right now.

Come on. Immediately!

Hang on, Dad.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

You ain't got no more
black friends at my house!

Let's go, Eustace!

What were you gonna say?

Just, we should coat the bridge
with moss to slick it up.

That way,
the Orcs can't cross into Rivendell.

JUNIOR: How did I not think of that?

Give me some!

BOTH: Yass, Gaga, yass!

DRE: And it was
at that moment I realized

that struggle comes
in a lot of different forms.

Junior's was just different than mine.

But no matter what your fight,
you still need your community.

And you need to let them know,
"I see you, bruh."

And for Junior, nerd is the new black.

Sorry, orange.

There you go. Scrunch, son.
Ooh. Scrunch it.

All right. Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Just do what comes natural.

Just lighten up a little bit.

You're not scared. You're not scared.

DRE: Here comes another one.

Lock and load, son. Lock...

- Okay. Okay.
- POPS: Oh, yeah.

Good form. Good form, Junior.

Yeah! He's a natural!

Is it okay if I cuss?

Sure.

Damn.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

That's exactly what I said
when I met your mama.

Yeah, come to think of it, me, too.

(ALL LAUGHING)