Black-ish (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Big Night, Big Fight - full transcript
Dre is determined to keep the peace on Valentine's Day; Diane's siblings try to teach Diane how to give a compliment.
Some of history's
most brutal wars were set off
by a tiny wrong move at the wrong time
when tensions were jacked
through the roof.
Take this Archduke Fella
with the dope lid.
Poor dude gets capped cruising
in his ride, and... boom!...
World War I.
But there's never been a moment in history
more loaded with deadly tension
than "Valentime's" Day.
All that pressure to make it perfect
actually makes it a powder keg
waiting to explode.
And Bow and I never fail to set it off.
Happy first Valentime's Day, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.
Hey, baby, can you suck in your wrist?
I mean, it fit
on the skinny saleslady's arm.
Ow!
But it's not always me
who fires the first shot.
You know, if we ever have a son,
I'd like to name him Andre Jr.
Ah, we'll see.
We'll see? To my legacy?
Your legacy of giving your wife
a sad freeway bucket rose?
Hey, hey. What?
You know, that's it.
I'm out! All right?
No giant bag of oranges for you!
But this Valentime's,
I'm doing everything right
to keep the peace.
Oh, yeah. A dozen long stems not
from a Mexican lady's bucket,
a gift that fits,
and a night out with my beautiful wife.
- Oh. Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Mwah! Mwah!
Ain't nothing gonna ruin this night.
All right, so, should I wait
in the car while you change?
Change?
_
Archduke down! Archduke down!
That's not good.
And we're not even in the car yet.
Black-ish S01E13
Big Night, Big Fight
So, like an idiot,
I accidentally triggered another war.
I had to broker a peace
before it destroyed the night.
Come on, Bow, you staying mad
is just gonna ruin our Valentime's.
Oh, so this is on me?
It's my fault you wouldn't recognize
an Isabel Marant Romper
if it bit you in the ass?
- And by the way...
- Hmm?
It's Valentine's.
Nuh!
Nuh!
Nuuuuh!
_
My way sounds so much better.
Like... like Christmastime.
Springtime.
I mean, come on, baby.
"Hammertine"? It just sounds stupid.
Look, I'm sorry
I slammed your romper, okay?
Can I get a do-over?
Peeease?
I guess Hammertine
does not make much sense.
Maybe I overreacted.
Maybe just a little.
Dre, let's just enjoy the night
you planned.
I'm very excited to go
and eat at Fabiano's...
Again.
- What's that tone?
- No tone. It's just after 15 years,
I think we've done the hell
out of Fabiano's.
Well, joke's on you. I'm changing it up.
We're not going to Fabiano's.
Drive 300 feet
to Fabiano's Cucina.
That was programmed from last year.
Boo-yah! Doubled my haul from last year.
Hmm. Nice.
Wow.
That's upsetting.
Tell me about it.
I had to leave most of them at school.
But there's not even
that many people in our class.
A lot of them are from my teachers
and their families. I'm beloved.
How does a boob like you get
more Valentines than me?
Maybe by not calling people "Boobs."
You are pretty mean.
Mean? It's called being honest, long-head.
Long-head?
Don't worry.
You'll probably grow into it.
Probably.
Diane, have you ever heard the saying
"you catch more flies with honey"?
Congrats, genius. You just ruined
your honey with dead flies.
Wow, are you broken.
Is it actually long?
Can someone please trace my skull?
I'd like to know.
Welcome to Everly.
Wow. It's completely packed.
What a surprise.
- I have a reservation.
- Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom
before we get kicked out.
We're not getting kicked out, all right?
Please don't kick us out.
But long story short... no ressie,
mad wife, marriage on the line.
Help me.
Sorry, sir. We're fully booked.
It's Valentine's day.
All right.
How about if my friend Bill explains it?
Billy.
Billy Cash.
Oh, here's your reservation.
Hmm.
_
So, Billy Cash got us into the house,
but he didn't exactly get us
the best seats in the house.
I'm so sorry about this.
I'm Bow, by the way.
Stacy. Happy V-tine's day.
Oh, you too.
Oh, my God. Is that
your pug on your phone?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's so cute.
You know, I had a Corgi
when I was growing up...
Just a sec. Yeah.
We're not here to make gal pals.
- Right. Okay.
- By the way, I love your outfit.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- Mm.
Hmm.
- Seeing anything we like?
- Yeah. Actually,
I'm just gonna go with the short rib,
- and maybe I can start with...
- Ooh, short rib.
Tell us about the short rib. Is it tender?
- And here we go.
- You know what?
Don't even worry about it
'cause I was actually looking
at the Jidori chicken.
Where exactly is Jidor?
It's... never mind.
Don't even answer that.
Um, let's see. Um...
Oh, okay. Hold on.
Um, oh. There it is.
Um...
Why don't you come back in two days?
Thank you.
A seafood side.
I didn't even see this page.
Skate?
Don't know what that is,
but it sounds fancy.
Excuse me, garçon!
Walk me through this skate.
Okay, Diane, our Valentine's gift to you
is teaching you how to give a compliment.
Fine. But for the record,
I am doubtful of all you people.
Okay, just look at Jack
and say something nice about him.
I'm sorry.
There's just too much baggage between us.
She's not wrong.
Okay, then, what about Junior?
Can you say something nice about him?
Uh...
I see what you're saying.
It is kind of long.
Will that happen to my head, too?
Just volunteering my time here.
Listen, Diane, there's
something to make fun of
about everyone... not me...
But the secret to pretending
to be a nice person
is to stop talking before the hurtful part
of what you're thinking comes out.
Hey. That's pretty smart.
Mm-hmm.
Especially from you.
Okay.
I see what I did there.
Yeah.
Okay, let me see here.
Hmm.
I think I will have
the-e-e-e-e...
Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.
Unless you think
I shouldn't get the chicken.
The chicken's wonderful.
- What's your favorite?
- The chicken.
You know, I think you're just saying...
- Dre.
- Okay, chicken.
I'm gonna have the short rib, please.
So sorry. Someone just
ordered the last one.
Okay, you know what? I'm just
gonna have whatever's fastest
- and a bottle of vodka.
- Yes, ma'am.
Thank you so much.
Are you happy?
Bottle?
You made me lose the short rib.
But you know what? No.
This is what you do.
You ruin things. You are a ruiner.
- Am I?
- Mm-hmm.
Name one thing I've ruined.
How about last Easter
when you planned an Easter egg hunt
in Griffith Park
and Jack dug up a human finger?
Uh, public land. Out of my control.
- Okay. Our anniversary in Cabo.
- Mm-hmm.
You crashed the jet ski,
and I had to get 11 stitches.
Rogue wave... not my fault.
And it was your infected
stitches that ruined the trip.
Do you hear yourself? My stitches?
- Yes!
- No, Dre. No, no.
You take special moments
and you kill them dead.
Oh. I haven't heard one yet.
How about this?
The birth of our first child.
_
Oh, that's it.
Oh, that's it.
Okay, baby. Okay, baby. You're doing good.
Push. Push.
Oh.
Okay. Uh, oh, boy.
Uh, okay, baby.
Um... you're pushing the wrong zone.
Uh-huh. Baby, stop pushing.
Uh-huh. Oh, God.
Oh, God, you're still pushing.
Whoo. I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'll clean that up for you.
All right. Bow, come on, man.
Is this the father?
I mean, he's actually part of your life?
'Cause plenty of women
successfully raise children alone.
Okay. Dredge up
the lowest point in my life
just because you missed out
on a short rib.
- We...
- Incredibly painful memory,
tainted the first moments of fatherhood.
Okay.
I've got to go freshen up.
I hate Valentine's day.
The Valentime's Day war raged on,
and Bow had just Pearl Harbored me,
so I had no choice but to
retreat to my situation room.
Fighting with your wife?
_
How'd you know?
Kid, I've been working
Valentine's day for 40 years.
It's always a bloodbath. Just look around.
♪ Hold up ♪
♪ We dem boyz ♪
Gentlemen, introduce yourselves
and how your night went off the rails.
Hello. I'm Keith.
- Hi, Keith.
- Hi, Keith.
I picked the wrong night
to tell my wife I'm going on a golf trip.
I'm Jonas.
- Hi, Jonas.
- Hi, Jonas.
I cheaped out on the Valet
and made her walk six blocks in Stilettos,
which she's been stabbing my foot with
under the table ever since.
- Mm.
- Dr. Dilip Kotwala.
Told my wife her naan
is not as puffy as my mom's.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
So, it's not just me.
No, sir. It's not just you.
And it's not just Valentine's.
Birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve.
The bigger the night,
the bigger the fight.
Oh, but why does it always
have to turn to crap?
Ours is not to reason why.
Ours is but to do and die.
- Hmm?
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
And you work in a bathroom?
Poetry Major.
Gotcha.
So, uh, let's hear your war story.
Well, I'm Dre.
Hi, Dre.
But I wasn't the only one
with a war council.
So annoying. You know what I mean?
Who is he? Huh? To judge what I'm wearing?
- But you could just rise above.
- Mm-hmm.
Say sorry and save your night.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
How long have you two been married?
- Oh, we just got engaged last week.
- Oh, okay.
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Okay, first of all, you need
to update your playlist.
And why don't you get in touch
once the two of you have
actually gotten married?
Beuse then everything
is about setting a precedent.
It's not just a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter.
It's a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter
for the rest of your life.
Do you understand?
Do you like hot counter milk?
Um... no.
No.
Well, he's gonna leave it there.
By the way,
when I said you could try my short rib,
I kind of meant just a bite.
Oh. I'm sorry, sweetheart.
But you know this should've
been mine, right?
Okay, Diane, remember...
Just say the first half of your thought.
Zoey, you have nice hair.
Jack...
You dance well.
Junior...
You're good at computers.
Sure you don't want to say more?
Don't poke the bear.
No. I'm done.
I wrote down the rest
of what I wanted to say.
I should not have read this.
Junior, get off.
I-I mean, it's the kind of thing
that just throws you,
even if it's a natural part of childbirth.
I guess I did to Valentine's
what she did to that poor table.
Yes, but you could still win the night.
All you did was make a foolish
inquiry about her romper.
Mm-hmm.
But she came back at you so hard,
she lost the moral high ground.
Okay.
Oh, I get it. Now Dre is the victim.
- Precisely.
- Wow.
This is crazy. Totally uncharted.
W-what's my play?
Amp up your hurt. Work her guilt.
Don't ease up until you hear
the words "I'm sorry."
Trust me, Dre.
No one else in here is having sex tonight,
but if you play it right,
you can have special sex.
Special sex?
Mm.
Special sex.
Special sex.
Special sex! Special sex!
- Come on!
- Special sex! Special sex! Special sex!
There she is in my cross hairs,
no idea I'm about to unleash
an entire S.E.A.L. team
of emotional manipulation.
Sad puppy-dog face... go.
Quivering lip... go.
Single teardrop... go, go, go!
This is gonna be so much fun.
Enjoy it, Dre.
Relish every moment.
Remember, the more she resists,
the higher she hoists herself,
and then you...
I'm sorry, Dre.
Excuse me?
I just feel like there's no point
in us continuing to argue,
and so I'm rising above.
I'm sorry.
Guess I should accept her apology,
be a hero, and get special sex.
Or I could take it to the next
level and be a legend.
Yes, that's what I'll be... a legend.
Well, since you're apologizing for this,
I gather you can scrounge up
some more apologies.
And what else exactly
would I apologize for?
Ah, well, for starters,
my Shaquille O'neal mug
that you plotted against.
_
- Dre.
- Hmm?
That was six years ago.
Six long years without
the greatest mug of all time.
Perfect for coffee, perfect for soup.
The man had a large head, Bow.
And you shattered it on purpose!
I did not.
And you can kiss my behind on purpose.
Oh?
Idiot.
Pizza's here!
Go time, Diane.
Your first real-world test.
I got this.
Is this a joke?
Oh, my God. What have we done?
I didn't know they'd be sending a mutant.
This is gonna break her.
You were very punctual,
and you have the correct number
of limbs for a human.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You were amazing! That guy was rough.
I almost threw up.
But that wasn't the real me.
I feel so dirty inside.
I need a shower.
Just like America and Russia,
every couple has their own set
of nukes pointed at each other.
Oddly, it keeps the peace.
It's called
"Mutually Assured Destruction,"
M.A.D. for short,
'cause both sides know
it'd be insane to launch.
Three, two, one.
Launch.
I did break your mug on purpose
because I didn't want to see you
sippin' chowder out
of Shaquille O'neal's big head
for the rest of my life!
Your ex-boyfriend's Billy Ocean t-shirt
- that you love so much?
- Yeah?
I wash my tires with it!
That was Gene Hackman at the Roller Rink.
You think everyone is Gene Hackman!
I know you spiked my drink
at the sade concert.
Well, I had to do something
'cause you were acting
like a little bi-atch!
Oh! Well, I might've lost a thumb drive
with "footage" of us on it.
It could be nowhere.
It could be on the Internet!
Well, I never read your hip-hop
"Goodfellas" screenplay.
You said you loved "Hoodfellas."
I lied.
And here's your check.
I took the Liberty
of adding a generous tip.
Oh. That's fair.
Man, this one was epic.
Might take us months to recover.
_
Let go of it!
No, it's mine! Give me it!
I should break your arm.
Jack, that is disgusting!
But like all warring superpowers,
nothing brings you back to the U.N.
Like small annoying countries
acting like complete jackholes.
What the hell is going on?!
Jack licked the leftover pizza.
They ate the rest without me.
All right, look, everybody,
shut up or there's gonna be
a Valentime's Day massacre up in here.
My babies. What the
hell did you guys do to Diane?
You have pretty eyes.
You have fluffy fur.
And you light up my life.
We taught her how to be nice.
You broke my baby girl. Fix her.
- But it's really...
- Now!
Okay. Come on.
Oh, God. Valentine's day sucks.
Dre, I'm so tired,
and I want to go to bed,
but I can't go to bed
when I'm this mad at you.
I won't be able to sleep, either,
because you're gonna be doing
that angry toss-and-turn
pillow-punch thing.
You know what the worst part is?
- What?
- I was gonna change.
I was gonna change!
I didn't even want to wear this
until you said something.
- I don't even know why I said it.
- Me neither.
The romper gives you
an amazing bubble butt.
Baby, it's so round. So sexy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Why?
Why do we keep going?
With so many chances
to stop this pointless fight.
We should've done everything
different tonight.
- Ah.
- Hey.
Hey, babe, do you think I should change?
Hells, no!
That romper is the bomb diggity.
Drive 300 feet
to Fabiano's Cucina.
Aww, Dre, my favorite.
Hi, is that an...
Save it, lady.
I'm here to eat with my husband.
Any questions about the menu?
Nope. Chicken.
Yeah!
Happy Valentime's Day.
Oh, I love it when you say Valentime's.
I know you do.
That would've been better.
So much better.
Then again... and I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, all right...
But it was kind of nice
to go a couple of rounds.
It helps us get stuff off our chests.
You know, honestly...
- Hmm?
- I can't argue with that.
I mean, I just feel like if you
hold stuff in for too long,
eventually, it's gonna blow up
at the wrong time.
Ooh, ooh, baby, guess who I think I saw
at the restaurant tonight?
Gene Hackman.
What? Oh. Oh.
You like it rough today, huh?
Happy Valenti...
Wow. Ugly.
Yes.
I love you.
I don't want to kill you.
You know we could go the other way, too.
Mm.
- Oh, babe.
- What?
Have you seen my Billy Ocean t-shirt?
What?! That's it!
Feel free to remarry,
and find the kids a good dad.
Aah!
Are we a bad couple
for going at it like that?
- I mean, we went ballistic.
- Face it, babe.
We're both strong-ass cups of tea
who do not like to back down.
- No, we do not.
- Mnh-mnh.
Which is why the good people at Hallmark
invented Valentime's Day.
- Ah. Huh.
- Babe.
It's our fight night.
It really is.
♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up ♪
It's also when we do our best making up.
Mm-hmm.
_
♪ Oh, baby, now let's get down tonight ♪
♪ when I get that feeling ♪
Seriously, though... hmm?
- ♪ I want sexual healing ♪
- You're gonna read "Hoodfellas."
- I really don't want to.
- It's okay. I'll read it to you.
- ♪ Sexual healing ♪
- No.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
What do you think?
Goodbye.
- Aah!
- Bow, no!
I loved it.
Really?
♪
No.
♪♪
most brutal wars were set off
by a tiny wrong move at the wrong time
when tensions were jacked
through the roof.
Take this Archduke Fella
with the dope lid.
Poor dude gets capped cruising
in his ride, and... boom!...
World War I.
But there's never been a moment in history
more loaded with deadly tension
than "Valentime's" Day.
All that pressure to make it perfect
actually makes it a powder keg
waiting to explode.
And Bow and I never fail to set it off.
Happy first Valentime's Day, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.
Hey, baby, can you suck in your wrist?
I mean, it fit
on the skinny saleslady's arm.
Ow!
But it's not always me
who fires the first shot.
You know, if we ever have a son,
I'd like to name him Andre Jr.
Ah, we'll see.
We'll see? To my legacy?
Your legacy of giving your wife
a sad freeway bucket rose?
Hey, hey. What?
You know, that's it.
I'm out! All right?
No giant bag of oranges for you!
But this Valentime's,
I'm doing everything right
to keep the peace.
Oh, yeah. A dozen long stems not
from a Mexican lady's bucket,
a gift that fits,
and a night out with my beautiful wife.
- Oh. Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Mwah! Mwah!
Ain't nothing gonna ruin this night.
All right, so, should I wait
in the car while you change?
Change?
_
Archduke down! Archduke down!
That's not good.
And we're not even in the car yet.
Black-ish S01E13
Big Night, Big Fight
So, like an idiot,
I accidentally triggered another war.
I had to broker a peace
before it destroyed the night.
Come on, Bow, you staying mad
is just gonna ruin our Valentime's.
Oh, so this is on me?
It's my fault you wouldn't recognize
an Isabel Marant Romper
if it bit you in the ass?
- And by the way...
- Hmm?
It's Valentine's.
Nuh!
Nuh!
Nuuuuh!
_
My way sounds so much better.
Like... like Christmastime.
Springtime.
I mean, come on, baby.
"Hammertine"? It just sounds stupid.
Look, I'm sorry
I slammed your romper, okay?
Can I get a do-over?
Peeease?
I guess Hammertine
does not make much sense.
Maybe I overreacted.
Maybe just a little.
Dre, let's just enjoy the night
you planned.
I'm very excited to go
and eat at Fabiano's...
Again.
- What's that tone?
- No tone. It's just after 15 years,
I think we've done the hell
out of Fabiano's.
Well, joke's on you. I'm changing it up.
We're not going to Fabiano's.
Drive 300 feet
to Fabiano's Cucina.
That was programmed from last year.
Boo-yah! Doubled my haul from last year.
Hmm. Nice.
Wow.
That's upsetting.
Tell me about it.
I had to leave most of them at school.
But there's not even
that many people in our class.
A lot of them are from my teachers
and their families. I'm beloved.
How does a boob like you get
more Valentines than me?
Maybe by not calling people "Boobs."
You are pretty mean.
Mean? It's called being honest, long-head.
Long-head?
Don't worry.
You'll probably grow into it.
Probably.
Diane, have you ever heard the saying
"you catch more flies with honey"?
Congrats, genius. You just ruined
your honey with dead flies.
Wow, are you broken.
Is it actually long?
Can someone please trace my skull?
I'd like to know.
Welcome to Everly.
Wow. It's completely packed.
What a surprise.
- I have a reservation.
- Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom
before we get kicked out.
We're not getting kicked out, all right?
Please don't kick us out.
But long story short... no ressie,
mad wife, marriage on the line.
Help me.
Sorry, sir. We're fully booked.
It's Valentine's day.
All right.
How about if my friend Bill explains it?
Billy.
Billy Cash.
Oh, here's your reservation.
Hmm.
_
So, Billy Cash got us into the house,
but he didn't exactly get us
the best seats in the house.
I'm so sorry about this.
I'm Bow, by the way.
Stacy. Happy V-tine's day.
Oh, you too.
Oh, my God. Is that
your pug on your phone?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's so cute.
You know, I had a Corgi
when I was growing up...
Just a sec. Yeah.
We're not here to make gal pals.
- Right. Okay.
- By the way, I love your outfit.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- Mm.
Hmm.
- Seeing anything we like?
- Yeah. Actually,
I'm just gonna go with the short rib,
- and maybe I can start with...
- Ooh, short rib.
Tell us about the short rib. Is it tender?
- And here we go.
- You know what?
Don't even worry about it
'cause I was actually looking
at the Jidori chicken.
Where exactly is Jidor?
It's... never mind.
Don't even answer that.
Um, let's see. Um...
Oh, okay. Hold on.
Um, oh. There it is.
Um...
Why don't you come back in two days?
Thank you.
A seafood side.
I didn't even see this page.
Skate?
Don't know what that is,
but it sounds fancy.
Excuse me, garçon!
Walk me through this skate.
Okay, Diane, our Valentine's gift to you
is teaching you how to give a compliment.
Fine. But for the record,
I am doubtful of all you people.
Okay, just look at Jack
and say something nice about him.
I'm sorry.
There's just too much baggage between us.
She's not wrong.
Okay, then, what about Junior?
Can you say something nice about him?
Uh...
I see what you're saying.
It is kind of long.
Will that happen to my head, too?
Just volunteering my time here.
Listen, Diane, there's
something to make fun of
about everyone... not me...
But the secret to pretending
to be a nice person
is to stop talking before the hurtful part
of what you're thinking comes out.
Hey. That's pretty smart.
Mm-hmm.
Especially from you.
Okay.
I see what I did there.
Yeah.
Okay, let me see here.
Hmm.
I think I will have
the-e-e-e-e...
Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.
Unless you think
I shouldn't get the chicken.
The chicken's wonderful.
- What's your favorite?
- The chicken.
You know, I think you're just saying...
- Dre.
- Okay, chicken.
I'm gonna have the short rib, please.
So sorry. Someone just
ordered the last one.
Okay, you know what? I'm just
gonna have whatever's fastest
- and a bottle of vodka.
- Yes, ma'am.
Thank you so much.
Are you happy?
Bottle?
You made me lose the short rib.
But you know what? No.
This is what you do.
You ruin things. You are a ruiner.
- Am I?
- Mm-hmm.
Name one thing I've ruined.
How about last Easter
when you planned an Easter egg hunt
in Griffith Park
and Jack dug up a human finger?
Uh, public land. Out of my control.
- Okay. Our anniversary in Cabo.
- Mm-hmm.
You crashed the jet ski,
and I had to get 11 stitches.
Rogue wave... not my fault.
And it was your infected
stitches that ruined the trip.
Do you hear yourself? My stitches?
- Yes!
- No, Dre. No, no.
You take special moments
and you kill them dead.
Oh. I haven't heard one yet.
How about this?
The birth of our first child.
_
Oh, that's it.
Oh, that's it.
Okay, baby. Okay, baby. You're doing good.
Push. Push.
Oh.
Okay. Uh, oh, boy.
Uh, okay, baby.
Um... you're pushing the wrong zone.
Uh-huh. Baby, stop pushing.
Uh-huh. Oh, God.
Oh, God, you're still pushing.
Whoo. I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'll clean that up for you.
All right. Bow, come on, man.
Is this the father?
I mean, he's actually part of your life?
'Cause plenty of women
successfully raise children alone.
Okay. Dredge up
the lowest point in my life
just because you missed out
on a short rib.
- We...
- Incredibly painful memory,
tainted the first moments of fatherhood.
Okay.
I've got to go freshen up.
I hate Valentine's day.
The Valentime's Day war raged on,
and Bow had just Pearl Harbored me,
so I had no choice but to
retreat to my situation room.
Fighting with your wife?
_
How'd you know?
Kid, I've been working
Valentine's day for 40 years.
It's always a bloodbath. Just look around.
♪ Hold up ♪
♪ We dem boyz ♪
Gentlemen, introduce yourselves
and how your night went off the rails.
Hello. I'm Keith.
- Hi, Keith.
- Hi, Keith.
I picked the wrong night
to tell my wife I'm going on a golf trip.
I'm Jonas.
- Hi, Jonas.
- Hi, Jonas.
I cheaped out on the Valet
and made her walk six blocks in Stilettos,
which she's been stabbing my foot with
under the table ever since.
- Mm.
- Dr. Dilip Kotwala.
Told my wife her naan
is not as puffy as my mom's.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
So, it's not just me.
No, sir. It's not just you.
And it's not just Valentine's.
Birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve.
The bigger the night,
the bigger the fight.
Oh, but why does it always
have to turn to crap?
Ours is not to reason why.
Ours is but to do and die.
- Hmm?
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
And you work in a bathroom?
Poetry Major.
Gotcha.
So, uh, let's hear your war story.
Well, I'm Dre.
Hi, Dre.
But I wasn't the only one
with a war council.
So annoying. You know what I mean?
Who is he? Huh? To judge what I'm wearing?
- But you could just rise above.
- Mm-hmm.
Say sorry and save your night.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
How long have you two been married?
- Oh, we just got engaged last week.
- Oh, okay.
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Okay, first of all, you need
to update your playlist.
And why don't you get in touch
once the two of you have
actually gotten married?
Beuse then everything
is about setting a precedent.
It's not just a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter.
It's a fight about him
leaving the milk on the counter
for the rest of your life.
Do you understand?
Do you like hot counter milk?
Um... no.
No.
Well, he's gonna leave it there.
By the way,
when I said you could try my short rib,
I kind of meant just a bite.
Oh. I'm sorry, sweetheart.
But you know this should've
been mine, right?
Okay, Diane, remember...
Just say the first half of your thought.
Zoey, you have nice hair.
Jack...
You dance well.
Junior...
You're good at computers.
Sure you don't want to say more?
Don't poke the bear.
No. I'm done.
I wrote down the rest
of what I wanted to say.
I should not have read this.
Junior, get off.
I-I mean, it's the kind of thing
that just throws you,
even if it's a natural part of childbirth.
I guess I did to Valentine's
what she did to that poor table.
Yes, but you could still win the night.
All you did was make a foolish
inquiry about her romper.
Mm-hmm.
But she came back at you so hard,
she lost the moral high ground.
Okay.
Oh, I get it. Now Dre is the victim.
- Precisely.
- Wow.
This is crazy. Totally uncharted.
W-what's my play?
Amp up your hurt. Work her guilt.
Don't ease up until you hear
the words "I'm sorry."
Trust me, Dre.
No one else in here is having sex tonight,
but if you play it right,
you can have special sex.
Special sex?
Mm.
Special sex.
Special sex.
Special sex! Special sex!
- Come on!
- Special sex! Special sex! Special sex!
There she is in my cross hairs,
no idea I'm about to unleash
an entire S.E.A.L. team
of emotional manipulation.
Sad puppy-dog face... go.
Quivering lip... go.
Single teardrop... go, go, go!
This is gonna be so much fun.
Enjoy it, Dre.
Relish every moment.
Remember, the more she resists,
the higher she hoists herself,
and then you...
I'm sorry, Dre.
Excuse me?
I just feel like there's no point
in us continuing to argue,
and so I'm rising above.
I'm sorry.
Guess I should accept her apology,
be a hero, and get special sex.
Or I could take it to the next
level and be a legend.
Yes, that's what I'll be... a legend.
Well, since you're apologizing for this,
I gather you can scrounge up
some more apologies.
And what else exactly
would I apologize for?
Ah, well, for starters,
my Shaquille O'neal mug
that you plotted against.
_
- Dre.
- Hmm?
That was six years ago.
Six long years without
the greatest mug of all time.
Perfect for coffee, perfect for soup.
The man had a large head, Bow.
And you shattered it on purpose!
I did not.
And you can kiss my behind on purpose.
Oh?
Idiot.
Pizza's here!
Go time, Diane.
Your first real-world test.
I got this.
Is this a joke?
Oh, my God. What have we done?
I didn't know they'd be sending a mutant.
This is gonna break her.
You were very punctual,
and you have the correct number
of limbs for a human.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You were amazing! That guy was rough.
I almost threw up.
But that wasn't the real me.
I feel so dirty inside.
I need a shower.
Just like America and Russia,
every couple has their own set
of nukes pointed at each other.
Oddly, it keeps the peace.
It's called
"Mutually Assured Destruction,"
M.A.D. for short,
'cause both sides know
it'd be insane to launch.
Three, two, one.
Launch.
I did break your mug on purpose
because I didn't want to see you
sippin' chowder out
of Shaquille O'neal's big head
for the rest of my life!
Your ex-boyfriend's Billy Ocean t-shirt
- that you love so much?
- Yeah?
I wash my tires with it!
That was Gene Hackman at the Roller Rink.
You think everyone is Gene Hackman!
I know you spiked my drink
at the sade concert.
Well, I had to do something
'cause you were acting
like a little bi-atch!
Oh! Well, I might've lost a thumb drive
with "footage" of us on it.
It could be nowhere.
It could be on the Internet!
Well, I never read your hip-hop
"Goodfellas" screenplay.
You said you loved "Hoodfellas."
I lied.
And here's your check.
I took the Liberty
of adding a generous tip.
Oh. That's fair.
Man, this one was epic.
Might take us months to recover.
_
Let go of it!
No, it's mine! Give me it!
I should break your arm.
Jack, that is disgusting!
But like all warring superpowers,
nothing brings you back to the U.N.
Like small annoying countries
acting like complete jackholes.
What the hell is going on?!
Jack licked the leftover pizza.
They ate the rest without me.
All right, look, everybody,
shut up or there's gonna be
a Valentime's Day massacre up in here.
My babies. What the
hell did you guys do to Diane?
You have pretty eyes.
You have fluffy fur.
And you light up my life.
We taught her how to be nice.
You broke my baby girl. Fix her.
- But it's really...
- Now!
Okay. Come on.
Oh, God. Valentine's day sucks.
Dre, I'm so tired,
and I want to go to bed,
but I can't go to bed
when I'm this mad at you.
I won't be able to sleep, either,
because you're gonna be doing
that angry toss-and-turn
pillow-punch thing.
You know what the worst part is?
- What?
- I was gonna change.
I was gonna change!
I didn't even want to wear this
until you said something.
- I don't even know why I said it.
- Me neither.
The romper gives you
an amazing bubble butt.
Baby, it's so round. So sexy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Why?
Why do we keep going?
With so many chances
to stop this pointless fight.
We should've done everything
different tonight.
- Ah.
- Hey.
Hey, babe, do you think I should change?
Hells, no!
That romper is the bomb diggity.
Drive 300 feet
to Fabiano's Cucina.
Aww, Dre, my favorite.
Hi, is that an...
Save it, lady.
I'm here to eat with my husband.
Any questions about the menu?
Nope. Chicken.
Yeah!
Happy Valentime's Day.
Oh, I love it when you say Valentime's.
I know you do.
That would've been better.
So much better.
Then again... and I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, all right...
But it was kind of nice
to go a couple of rounds.
It helps us get stuff off our chests.
You know, honestly...
- Hmm?
- I can't argue with that.
I mean, I just feel like if you
hold stuff in for too long,
eventually, it's gonna blow up
at the wrong time.
Ooh, ooh, baby, guess who I think I saw
at the restaurant tonight?
Gene Hackman.
What? Oh. Oh.
You like it rough today, huh?
Happy Valenti...
Wow. Ugly.
Yes.
I love you.
I don't want to kill you.
You know we could go the other way, too.
Mm.
- Oh, babe.
- What?
Have you seen my Billy Ocean t-shirt?
What?! That's it!
Feel free to remarry,
and find the kids a good dad.
Aah!
Are we a bad couple
for going at it like that?
- I mean, we went ballistic.
- Face it, babe.
We're both strong-ass cups of tea
who do not like to back down.
- No, we do not.
- Mnh-mnh.
Which is why the good people at Hallmark
invented Valentime's Day.
- Ah. Huh.
- Babe.
It's our fight night.
It really is.
♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up ♪
It's also when we do our best making up.
Mm-hmm.
_
♪ Oh, baby, now let's get down tonight ♪
♪ when I get that feeling ♪
Seriously, though... hmm?
- ♪ I want sexual healing ♪
- You're gonna read "Hoodfellas."
- I really don't want to.
- It's okay. I'll read it to you.
- ♪ Sexual healing ♪
- No.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
What do you think?
Goodbye.
- Aah!
- Bow, no!
I loved it.
Really?
♪
No.
♪♪