Bitange i princeze (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

"Blue Herald".
-Ain't none.

How "none"?
"Herald". -There is none.

And what's this that the pioneers
are leafing through? It's bought or...

It's not, but...
-Thank you, goodbye.

Guys, if you want to read the
newspapers for free, go to the library.

Lucija, you goat.
You left the door unlocked again.


Can I paste this add here?

My Vilma thinks that it's not enough
to only publish it in the newspapers.

Yeah, go ahead.
What happened, you lost your dog?

We're renting an appartment.

What, for the animals from the shelter?

Well, my wife will
decide on that, you know.

If... If they pay regularly,

then we don't ask
for their origin.

And then they say that there are
no more nice people. -Thank you.

Lucija, you goat!

Mom, I'm going now.
-You are going to the store?

No, mom.
I'm going to live my own life.

Then grab me some
tampons and coffee.

-Grab me those extra large ones.

And check the date on
the coffe when you're buying it.

So that they don't slip you some expired
stuff again. This last one lost it's

fizz and made me sleep through 3
episodes of "Zemlja nade". (soap opera)

Mom, I'm not going to the store. I'm
leaving. -OK. When will you be back?

Don't repeat last Saturday when I
was waiting you until 1 a.m.

I told you already about that. I was
home all that time, but it didn't occur

to you to check if I was in my room.
-Because I don't dare to enter your

room after that thing
with the magazine.

And I told you about that as well.
I was practicing yoga.

And the magazine wasn't even mine.
Teo left it.

Kazimire, look up to Teo.

Alright, mom.
I'm really leaving now.

He is such a wonderful young man.

Situated, he knows
what he wants in life.

(music from the earphones)

Oglasnik, please.

There isn't any. Some
bald prick took the last one.

We didn't get to read
the matrimonial classified ads.

Then give me the "Jutarnji".
-Soled out as well.

This one is sold as well
or you are just leafing through?


Junior, hand the papers over.

Silvek, run for it!

Woul you look at them dash now.

And if I didn't get up for them in the
tram, they'd be bitchin' and falling

all over me like epileptics.

Mici, why are you like that?
I was just....

Micika, please.

Not the ties as well, Mici.

Barbara, are you out of your mind?
You almost poked my eye out!

You know very well that I would never
even look at another woman, Mici.

If you open the door, I will...


Darling, why are you lifting heavy
things? You'll get hernia again.

Mici, you're really
turning hysterical now.

This is 100% Sri Lankan cashmere.

If it had fallen in the mud...

(with a crying voice)
My love...

Darling, why don't you believe me?

I love only you!

What you lookin' at?
Beat it! Get lost.


Please, take a second so we
can look at all the factors

in order to resolve
this complex situation.

Barbara, my love...
No, no, no!

That's my stuff
from the court!

If you mixed up my files now....



Honey, where am
I going to sleep tonight?

Are you out of your mind? You almost
cracked my skull open, woman!


-Hi, Teo, buddy. It's me.

I just wanted to tell you that
I finally left my mom's place and...

... I don't have a place
to crash tonight.


But why?

Oh, son of a bitch.

That means that you as
well don't have a place to crash.

Ok, ok. ok.
Calm down, calm down.

Let's meet and we'll
figure something out.

I'm waiting you at the pub.
Ok, ok.


When did you open the videostore today?

At noon?

I would have opened on time, but
I came in late. -You came in late?

Well then, that's an excuse I
really have to take in account.

How many times were
you late this week only?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday and....

...would you look at that?

I don't have enough fingers to
perform such a complex calculation.

You're late every day!
-Sorry, Boss.

You know that I live far away.

Today I fell asleep on the bus and took
two rides to Črnomerec. (turnaround)

You don't sleep only on the bus.
-Never while on duty, scout's honor.

OK, maybe I dozed off a few times.

But that I fell asleep and had
dreams, that never happened.

And I wonder why the clients
call you Sleeping Beauty.

I don't get enough sleep
cause of the bad mattress.

Some spring popped out.

Stop with the fairytales, please. And
while we're at the fairytales, grab

that broom and clean
this pigsty, Cindarella.

Girl, he ain't no prince
worthy of respect.

Kick him in the nuts, and you'll be
able to arrive late to work with calm.

Not to mention that somebody
has again pasted an ad on the door.

Because you don't look.
I told you hundred times

that I don't want any ads.

Nor for yoga classes, nor
for foreign languages classes,

nor for nothing!

This is a videostore.

And not an advertising column.
-Give me that!

If we are a country in transition,

that doesn't mean that you can terrorize
your employess and get away with it.

I'll report you to the Hlebine
Foundation for Human Rights.

And I'll report you to the police.
You're advertising yourself on a

wrong place. This is an upright shop.
And not some sex shop. -Brute!

Crazy woman.

I must remove it 'cause of the allergy.

I asked without, but
they didn't have it.


They always put the
one with the most fat.

Is it good?


Funny that you (pl.) are
reading the Oglasnik.

You're (singl.) to me?

And how many of me there is?

How many?
Well, one.

Why are you then talking
to me in plural?

Why is it funny that I'm
reading the Oglasnik? -Well...

In fact, it's not funny, it's just...

It's rather strange.

I'm looking for an appartment and
I was just thinking how I should buy

myself an "Oglasnik". -Really? You're
looking for an appartment as well?

And You (pl.)? I mean, you (singl.) as
well? I must find something quickly.

My mom kicked me out of the appartment
today. -Really?

What, you were rolling
and she smelled it?

Excuse me?

Aha, that.
No, no, no.

I mean, it was for nothing.

Her lover is moving with her.

And let's be real, she was already
on my case for million things.

So I decided to put my fist down and...

...I got my stuff and....

Aaaand if you don't find an appartment
tonight, you're sleeping in the park.

Something along those lines, yes.

But the good thing is that my friend...

You see, I'm only considering
an appartment from this neighborhood.

I've analytically scanned all these
better hoods, and I figured out that

only in this one you have everyhing you
need in a circle of 100 meters.

Winery, videostore,
sex shop,

bookies, parking,

futsal venue,
this dump, all the...

Excuse me, young gentleman,
I see you have the Oglasnik.

Could I, please, lend it for a bit?

I'll return it to you in a second. -Well
of course. Here you go. -Thank you.

Ooop, the second has past.

No, no, no.
Please, go ahead.

To such a pretty woman,
I'd give everything.

I only have one question.
-Of course, ask away.

You like me, and do I like you?

No, I must tell you
that I find you really...

That I find you
turbo diesel pretty.

It's difficult for me to even look at
all that beauty. Help me look at.

You know what? Those papers
are not that necessary to me.

No, no, no.
I insist that you take them.

I hope you didn't get mad at me for
complementing you? -No, not at all.

It's just that I'm really on a tight
schedule, so I'll give it back to you

in a couple of minutes.
-What an arrogant cow.

Isn't she?

She turned up her nose as if I tried
to rape her, and not charm her.

But when we're talking
about normal chicks,

I am pure venom.

How are you doing regarding?

Well, you know, crappy.

I mean, let's be real, my mom didn't
exactly allow me to bring chicks to

the house, so, you know,
I didn't have where to practice.

And that's why now, when I find an
appartment, only chicks!

Just look out. If you don't
have experience, be careful.

That's coming from an
"old playa who always hookin' up".

Women are not to be trusted.

Here you go.

Thank you very much.
-You are very welcome. Anytime.

Oh, I'm so pretty and smart.

Another free advice.

You won't find that easily an appartment
at a reasonable price in this hood.

You know that?
-Now I do.

Is there anything in this Oglasnik?

I've found one which seems
to be turbo affordable.

Is there maybe place for....

Op, op, op, op!

You weren't actually thinking about
us two living together? -Well...

No, sorry bro. (buraz = bro)
You see, I'm a serious playa.

Every night, it's orgies,
lines (cocain), highways, broads,

fiju-briju and all that stuff.

In your own words,
"let's be real".

What you gonna do with
your Play Station and, I don't know,

some dork glasses, with me
in the appartment? Don't get mad.

I gotta run dude, before somebody
snatches this appartment that I....

I can't believe it.

I can not believe it.

"No Sir, they are not too tight.
It's all the rage now.

What did I tell you?
You can't believe women, man.


I apologize, but the miss that just left
said that you were going to pay for

her coffee and croissant.

Look, dude.

She was talking about that guy
over there. That's her boyfriend.

Right, and I am Goran Višnjić. (actor)
-C'mon. -No, no. I am, I am.

I'm here because I'm
getting into a character.

Secret agent that is a waiter. It's for
a high-budget action movie...

It's good, man. Don't screw with me,
please. What's the toll? -18 kunas.

Do you want me to help
you with getting your hand...

Oh, is that what you'd like?
Two meters the distance!

Here's a 20.
Give me two back.

You'll have to wait for a while.
I've got only coins of 10 lipas.

Ten, twenty.....

Don't think that I won't come
back for the doe, you hear me?

Pardon. -For fuck's sake, do you watch
where you're goin', man? -Sorry, sorry.

What, just because you're taller, you
think you can ran me over?

If I just wasn't in a rush....


You saw the appartment.
What's your decision? Just be quick.

And, just to tell you. There's a lot
of interest for this appartment.

I can rent in a heartbeat.

Madam, I'm taking
this appartment for sure.

Just tell me how much you're asking for
the rent so we can handle that as well.

The price is ridiculously low.
400€ a month plus the utilities.

To be honest, it's like if I
were giving it to you as a gift.

I like you and that's
why the price is so low.

400 euros plus the utilities?

I can't pay that.
That's way too much for me.

Pitty. You don't know
what you're missing out on.

Maybe this gentlmen can pay.

Is 400€ too much for you as well?

So, you like me for the 400€ as well?

No way, I don't have
that kind of money.

Split the rent.

The appartment is like it was
made for two people.

Not a chance...
-Not a...... Just a sec.

So, you're taking two tenants?

There's no problem
as long as people are polite.

Those smelly punkers,
and skinheads,

I don't accomodate them.

Nor the black ones...

Then you'd probably prefer if it were
some girls. Cause with guys, you never

know. They get drunk, make a mess.....
-No, no, no, no. With them, you at least

know who you dealing with. Type of
people girls are ready to bring in to

the appartment, you can't even imagine
-I don't have to imagine anything.

You don't have a clue what
I've seen in these past 30 years.

Don't patronise the madam. Like she
doesn't know. -Of course she knows.

It doesn't hurt. -New visitors are
coming in half an hour. -Dear madam,

I'll be back in 5 minutes with a
roommate. I'm taking tha appartment

for sure. Wait for me. -I'm not
promising anything! I haven't made a

promise to anybody in a long time!
-Madam, I'll be back in a couple of

minutes with a roommate. Very nice girl,
you'll see. I hope I have the advantage

given the fact I came first. -Miss, the
appartment goes to the one who

comes first with the money.
It's like that.

You, bro. What's your name, sorry?
-Kazimir, but they call me Kazo.

OK, OK. Kazimir, I've decided to
help you with that appartment.

I told myself:

"Robi, you can't be that of a pig and
not share the appartment with such

a nice man."
-You're talking to me?

Why do you need me there with my
Play Station and dork glasses?

C'mon, Kazo. Don't act all
insulted now. What's up?

No, it's not that. It's....

For real. I'd only get in
the way of your orgies,

and I'm not a big drug consumer.

Ok, the drug thing,
I overhyped it a bit.

I just want to help you.
If you don't want to...

Sorry, but something
here smells.

Fuck it, I was just running.

Look, we have competition.
What do you want me to say?

If you don't get up right away,
I'm gonna lose that appartment.

So that's the reason. Sorry, bro,
but I promised my friend to be his

roommate until he recovers.
-You gotta be kiddin'.

What's up with him?

He has some housing issues.

What? His mom kicked him out of the
house as well? -It's not the mom.

Than it's the wife.
His wife kicked him out!

Ok, don't rub it in.
He's gonna die of sorrow.

It's alright, bro.
Don't get upset.

A woman changes her mind in a second.

Mine doesn't.
-Yours as well, yours as well.

Do you need a room?!
Do you need a room?!

I need a roommate!

Never mind.

Madam, will you be my roommate?

His wife kicked him out by mistake.
That's the sadest part.

What do you mean, "by mistake"?
-Like that.

Some woman was phoning
them every day last week

asking for some....
-Krešu. -Krešu, yes.


And now...

His wife taught that the
name is some kind of a code...

and that this woman was his mistress.
-Mistress? What mistress?

He tried to convince her,
but it didn't work.

And then she threw his stuff

and him out.

She told him "Goodbye forever".

Ok, it's not "forever". It's temporary.
-What kind of mistress is that?

She calls without taking caution.
-It's not his mistress! (together)

Good day.

You have a problem with
your appartment, that's clear.

Sorry? What kind of problem?
-From today, we are roommates.

Let me present myself.
I'm Irena.

I'm Lucija.

You have a sad look.
That's from the bad bed, right?

Well, yes. It is.

My bed is really bad.

Your bags undere your eyes mean that
you have trouble with your boss, right?

Well, yeah... I mean, he is pretty
rude to me... -I totally get it that you

get up too late. You live far away so
you are often late for work, right?

Yes. -From today, you live few meters
from the store. You and I are roommates!

We are roommates?
-Big time.

But hurry up, so we
don't lose the appartment.

You'll see what kind of bed awaits
for you. Like from a fairy tale.

Wow, it'd be so good if I were
to live near the videostore.

No more trams, no buses....

You can right away forget about all the
horrors of the public transport.

Owner of the videostore covers your
commute costs? -He does.

But I always have to remind him of that.
-Keep reminding him. Get it? -No.


I get it.

Let's go now so we don't lose the
appartment. -Excuse me, do you by any

chance have that adult movie... in the
cave, with prehistoric men, with clubs

all in leather...
like, for the adults....

I haven't heard of that movie.

And then the other tribe shows up and
they take off their leather and fur and

they pound it out.
-They pound it out with clubs?

You could say that, but no.

It's called "The Cave of Debauchery".
I have the first two parts, I'm missing

the third one. -You pervert!
You should be ashamed!

Pick some romantic movie rather.
-It is a romantic movie.

It's just that the actors
go all the way, you know.

They're explicit, rough.
Stone Age, you know.

Tomorrow she'll be
begging you to come back.

And it will be too
late for Kazimir, dude.

You'll get back to your wife and he
will lose a fabulous appartment.

The worst of all, I'll lose
a fabulous appartment as well.

C'mon, be his pal, and let me borrow him
this time at least. What do you say?

Go Kazo, my friend.
Go, this is a good opportunity for you.

I'll manage somehow. In the park,
under the bridge... Doesn't matter.

Friend is letting you go. Let's go Kazo,
we gotta hurry up. -I'm not leaving him.

If there's place for him in
the appartment, than OK.

Hey, guys! Does anybody wanna
share an appartment with me?

Can I?

Do you see what people
are doing to me?!

Alright, we go all three of us.

At least we'll get a bargain.

But only if you
immediately get your asses up!


It'd be better if I had wore a skirt.

Two meters the distance!

Thirty eight. -Guys, once you exit,
go left. I'll catch you up.

Deduct those 2 kunas that
you owe me, at once.

No! I can't leave the videostore without
surveilance. Customers are inside,

they're going to steal everything.
And then the boss is gonna kill me.

Who says that customers must be
in the store? -Oh, it's working hours.

People are renting.

Do you maybe have "All the
President's Breasts"? -Excuse me?

"The Oral Office" maybe? -You really
have no shame! Beat it! Let's go!

Out! -What? That's a Danish
adventure movie's classic.

Out! Everybody out!
We're closed!


Let's go! -You have the movie I'm
looking for, you just don't want to

give it to me. I know you have it!
-Beat it!

Madame, it's obvius that I was here
first. And this is my roommate. Please

give us the appartment keys, so we can
move in. -What are you talking about?

Why are you lying to this wonderful
woman? She's not blind. She saw that I

was here first. You shoud be ashamed.
-Madame, you see how he's attacking me?

If he's menacing me, a woman, in public,
you can only imagine what he's capable of.

Pardon, I'm not menacing. At all.
It's the injustice that hurts me.

What can I say? I'm like that. Mild and
soft. Injustice hurts me. It hurts me a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Your "thing" hurts. -Ooo, did
you hear her curse?! Did you hear that

street slang? You know what? Be aware.
She doesn't know how to lodge.

I don't know how to lodge?

The three of you came. Even though this
wonderful madame nicely said that

the appartment is for two people.
-There's no problem. I'll just charge 50€ more.

That's right.
And we'll fairly pay that.

He's not fair, madame.

Just look at his head.

You think that we don't know you are
the leader of the dangerous skinheads?

You think we don't know why
you want to rent this place?

So, you are a "skin ad"?
-You don't know that half of it, madame.

Look at him.
The razor is blazing from his eyes.

God forbid, madame.
Naturally I don't have hair.

What? It's not a flaw, right?

But schizophrenia is, so help me God.

You pronounce it "schizophrenia".

Apart from dangerous, this
woman is also insane.

I suggest you kick her out this instant.
For your own safety.

I take care of you.
-You know what's up?

What's up? (together)
-I'm raising the price.

The rent is now 450€ for the girls, and

500€ for the boys.

I'm rejecting the
reclamatinons beforehand.

Of course.
It's clear.

You also have to make a living, right?
The price is reasonable.

But there's more.

I'd rather rent the place to the girls.

That's totally fair.

We gladly offer 550€.

Listen, I actually have a place....
-Shut it.

Aha, guys. Here we go. We're in.
Girls, thank you very much.

Goodbye. The door is right there.
And bad luck to you. Let's go.

Who told you you were in?!

You think the madame bought
your story on being naturally bold?

You think she doesn't get it that
you're planning to use this place for

scheming actions all over the town with
those bald bastards of yours?

My roommate can tell
you who this man is.

Go on Lucija, tell them.
Why are you being silent?

This is the first time I see him....
-She can't remember, madame.

She's still in shock
cause of this man here.

Him and his bald bastards stole
her money the other day.

You robbed this miss?

You really are gullible.

Or your brain dried up
from all the crying.

Can't you see she's coming up with crap
just so she could take the place from us?

Me, to take it? I already had arranged
everything when you crashed, like a...

What's the name of that little one,
with the nose? He got his name from a brandy.

I know! It's...

Armand Croissant. -Not him.
-Jesus! -He has only one name.

-Armand Assante.

Miss is probably thinking of Napoleon.
-Good job, kid.

You crashed in here like that
Napoleon, and now you're bitchin'!

I'll do it!
Let me do it!

Go! -I passed the first aid training
on my driving exam. At first try.

She needs mouth-to-mouth.

I'd do it, but I can't.
I'm coughing up stuff.

You do it.
-I don't know how to!

I mean, let's be realistic...

Call the ambulance with your cellphone!
The woman is going to die!

I have zero balance.
-My battery died.

Mine is broken.
My wife threw it at me.

Madame, who are you giving the
appartment to?! To us, right? Right?

She opened her eyes!

She closed them.

Aha, did you hear? She said
she's leaving the place to us.

You're lying again!
Everybody heard that she is giving the

place to us! Ain't that right, Lucija?
-I don't know! I don't know!

Slow down, I have a witness.

You heard that she said that
the appartment is mine? Ours.

I don't know how important
that is at this moment....

Yo, Kazo. This friend of yours really has
a burning desire to sleep in the park tonight.

Vilma, Vilma.

It wasn't my fault.

The iron screwed me.
I'll buy you a new blouse.....


Darling, don't lie here.
You'll catch a cold.

Mister, she is dead.

For real?

Yes, she had trouble with her heart.

I always told her:

"It's not all about the money.

Don't get upset about it."

Now she's gonna be the
richest in the cemetery.

Did she make an
arrangement with anybody?

With me, mister. She told she
was going to rent it to me for 300€.

She is such a liar.

The deceased left the place to me.
For 300€ as well.

That's not true!
-Stop it, you two!

I mean...

How can you be talking about it at
this moment? -Wait a moment, sir.

I have to rent this place.

I don't have any money.

Besides, I'm going to a retirement home.

Now, when there's
nobody left to harass...

I mean, take care of me.

Moreove, I'm renting
my place as well.

Here, nextdoor, you know.

So, you don't have to argue.

Hey, girls, I'll be a gentlman.

You two can take this place.
I'll make the sacrifice.

You don't say?
You can have it.

As if I don't know why all of
a sudden you became a gentleman.

I don't get it.
-Quit acting.

You don't want to live in an appartment
which has a fresh corps inside.

And now you're playing all gentleman.

There you have it. The better man
treats a woman, the worse she gets.

A classic.

Here you go.

OK then, thank you for the sacrifice.

Chivalry is not dead. Lucija and I
will go to the other appartment.

No, no.
You told me to keep that place.

Finders keepers. -Listen to
this genius, "finders keepers".

What are we, in the elementary school?

If I run over there and shout "Safe"...
-C'mon, c'mon.

Let's make a deal.
Like humans.

Listen to this guy.
What are you, a lawyer?

Yes, it just so happens that I am.

Then I might still need you,
young man, you know.

If something won't be right....

....with Vilma's last will.

Here's my business card, mister.
-OK, OK, OK.

Hold that off. Do you have some
suggestion how to make a deal

with the girls?
Before these two slaughter each other.

Yes, I do have.

They should play "odds and evens".

You really had to go to the university
to make such a suggestion.

Ok, let's go.
I'm "evens". And you?

I'd tell you what you are....
-C'mon, c'mon.

I'm "odds". -"Evens".

"Par, nepar, bim, bam, bus!"


Did you see it?

Team, move out.

It's always played in
best of five....

Poor woman.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's talk payments.