Billy Dilley's Super-Duper Subterranean Summer (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Ol' MacBilly/Silly Spheres - full transcript

Do doo doo do do

Do doo doo do do

- Billy Dilley
- We're subterranean

- Billy Dilley
- You're such a brainy kid

- Billy Dilley
- It's fascinating how

- Billy Dilley
- It's complicated now

- Billy Dilley
- Situation critical

- Billy Dilley
- I hope it's fixable

Billy Dilley

Ooooh

Billy Dilley



Good game, Miss Ardo! See you next week!

Rough neighborhood.

Aah!

You lost, kid?

Um, I don't think so.

And I'll tell you why!

I've taken approximately 1,789 walk steps,

1,243 run steps,

and 18 sheer-terror panic steps.

It's a simple matter of geometry
to retrace my steps,

which should land me
within 75 worms' lengths of home.

You talk too much, kid,
and we don't like that.

- I don't like you.
- That's okay.

Everybody doesn't have to like everybody,



- am I right?
- I don't like you either.

I don't like his hair.

My hair?

What's wrong with my hair?

Looks like he made it himself.

What? My hair is fine!

Wrong, mate.

Our hair is fine.

Your hair is defective.

Why would those meanies make fun
of my hair?

Ooh!

La la la la la la la

What is this wonderful world of wigs?

it's Big Doug's Wonderful World of Wigs.

Don't fret, my little beauty.

I will free you into your natural habitat.

Namely, my head.

You lost, kid?

I don't think so,
and I'll tell you why.

That's what I'm talking about!

- Now we're talking.
- Yeah.

My name is Billy Dilley,
and I'm here about my hair.

My name is Big Doug, and...
my goodness!

May I touch it?

That hair is magnificent!

Well, what I really wanted was to cover up

these old curlicues with
that super cool wig in the window.

Good eye, kid!

That wig happens to be made
of one hundred percent wooly mammoth hair!

What are all these other wigs made of?

A hundred percent wooly mammoth hair!

Isn't that right, Buttercup?

And that quality is why
it costs just three hundred dirdles!

Gee, I don't have three hundred dirdles.

No money, no honey.

- But, but...
- Listen, kid.

You gotta believe
in that curly crop up top.

You're a whiz with that frizz!

Just accept your own unique and sassy 'do.

But I don't want my unique and sassy 'do.

I want that fake, sparkly, spiky 'do.

Well, in that case, find a job!

"Help wanted. Inquire within."

My name is Billy Dilley,

and I'm here to inquire within!

You know, the help wanted?

Okay, Billy, you'll be
looking after Maria,

the prize-iest
of my prized wooly mammoths.

Just make sure she gets her beauty rest

so she can win the big Subterranea-Tania
Mammoth Show tomorrow.

Piece of cake, Big Doug.

Now, which one of these fine pleistocenes
is Maria?

No, no. Let me guess.

Aw, is it this sleepy-eyed one?

Looks like someone's all ready
to go night-night.

No, no, no, no. That's...

That's not what?

That's Big Dougie's little girl!

Quite possibly not a piece of cake.

How am I gonna get
this rambunctious mammoth

down for the night?

I know! I'll sing her a nice lullaby.

Maria...

Ooh!

Aah!

Waah!

Good morning, my beautiful sun rays!

It's morning already?

And I trust you got Maria all rested up
for today's big mammoth show!

No!

Look at her! She looks like
she hasn't gotten a wink of sleep!

Now she needs a facial to fix all of this!

Don't worry, Big Doug.

I'll have Maria fixed up in the blink
of an eye.

He-he. No offense.

I mean, because of the... Never mind.

Relax, Maria, 'cause after this

you're gonna feel like
a brand-new mammoth.

Just ten more minutes, Maria!

What have you done to my beautiful baby?

What did Billy do to you?

Shush, shush, shush.
Don't you worry.

I'll just call
the emergency mammoth groomer.

He'll have you nice and spiffy
in time for the competition.

So, you were gonna call him and then pay
me the three hundred dirdles, or...

Now I'll never be able to buy that wig!

Never wig.

Is that your hair?

Or did you make it yourself?

That's it! I don't need
to buy a wig at all!

I'll make one myself!

But how?

Emergency mammoth groomer!
Where's the emergency, kid?

Emergency mammoth groomer!

Where's the emergency, Doug?

Hurry! Hurry!

Maria, get ready to be groomed!

Psst. Maria. It's really me, Billy Dilley.

No, no. Shh shh shh. It's okay.

All I want to do is shave off some
of your hair.

Just some you don't need.
Only a little. Just a little.

Then I can make the wig of my dreams.

Nice!

No, that's not it.

Not quite.

Wrong. Nope..

No! No. No!

Now we're talking.

What have I done?

Ooh!

Hey, you meanies! Don't make fun of her!

Shoo! Shoo!

Maria! I'm so sorry
for what I've done to you

and what's left of your hair.

I should've never listened
to those hooligans!

I should've listened to Big Doug!

Hold your hair-ses, Billy Dilley.

Maria, I know exactly how
to make this right!

Okay, time's up!

We gotta get that mammoth on stage...
merciful mastodons!

What in Bob's name has happened here?

Maria?

- What's that, Junior?
- I said I'm sorry I'm late.

- Who are you?
- I'm the emergency mammoth groomer.

Some maniac tied me up
and locked me in my car.

Tied you up?

But if you're the groomer,
then who is...

Ladies and gentlemen,

the moment you've all been waiting for.

Billy!

Please put your tusks together

for Maria the Mammoth!

Maria!

Aah!

I just can't believe my eye!

It's amazing!

My name is Billy Dilley,
and I'm here about a wig.

Billy, these new wigs
are selling like hotcakes!

That will be three hundred dirdles.

My share of the mammoth contest
winnings ought to cover it.

See you around, Big Doug.

See you around, kid.

Hey! This is only four dirdles.

- Aah!
- What? You lost, kid?

Okay, guys, I get it. You hate my hair.

Nah, kid, we like the hair.

Now give us your wallet.

- Hello, Hagwitch!
- Hello, Hagwitch!

Apprentice Billy...

And ex-apprentice Tony...

- ...reporting for duty, ma'am!
- ...reporting for duty, ma'am!

At ease, simpletons.

Will we be using the awe-inspiring power

of chemistry to do
something incredible today?

No. I have to run an errand,

so while I'm gone, you gentlemen

have the great honor of... dusting.

Dusting? Is this like one
of those trust-building exercises?

Yeah, yeah. Something like that.

Anyway, dust your little hearts out.

You have free rein over everything
in the house!

Except the cabinet.

That's off limits to both of you!

What would happen if we were to, like,
you know, accidentally open the cabinet?

No, Billy, you don't want to make
an oopsie at the Hag house.

Some days are good, some days are...

Eeeeeh!

Right, but if you unlock the cabinet,

it'll be a lot worse than that,
you got it?

- Yes, ma'am, Hag ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am, Hag ma'am.

All right, gotta run.

Gonna take care of this pesky boil.

Getting that removed?

No, I'm getting it enlarged, you imbecile!

That's why I'm going to see my sisters.

They're beauticians.

They are pretty!

See you in a couple hours.

And just forget about the cabinet,
will ya?

All right, Billy, we better get started.

Billy?

Billy, what are, what are you doing?

I'm analyzing, Tony.

I won't be able to forget the cabinet

unless I first know all about the cabinet.

Otherwise I'd have nothing to forget, see?

Why don't we get started
on that dusting instead?

Yeah, maybe you're right, Tony.

Doesn't this feel better?

You never know what you'll find
when you're dusting.

Look at this doily! It's so beautiful!

Do you like doilies, Billy?

Not again!

Billy, get away from there!

I can't, Tony. I'm obsessed!

Just imagine the wonders
that might exist in here!

We can't! We promised, Billy.

Not knowing is worse than anything
the Hagwitch can dish out.

We've got to know, Tony!

Well, I guess there might
be doilies in there.

You call this a boil?

It's no wonder she can't land
a date with Count Wretcher!

Can you old bags help me or not?

I think we can help.

Let's get started.

It's so easy

One, two, three

Nothing to it

Follow me

Doo doo doo doo

It's so easy, one, two, three

Nothing.

Nothing to it

Follow me

Hardy-har-har. Very funny.

I don't think it's gonna open for us,
Billy.

Maybe we should just get back to dusting.

That's it, Tony!
Hagwitch said it wouldn't open for us.

Hey, Yucky. It's Billy.

Dilley, yeah.

I'm over at the Hag House,
and I was wondering if...

- Yucky!
- Hey, Yucky!

Hey, Yucky, let me call you back.

We tried, like, pretty much everything,
right?

Yeah. We tried the slim jim,
the battering ram, the crowbar...

- Yucky?
- Just a second, Yucky.

We tried sweet-talking it...

Yeah! Ooh!

This is the most astounding collection
of ingredients I've ever seen!

Hey, there's no doilies in here!

Well, let's close it up.

Billy, we're closing it, right?

Right after I find out what happens
when milk of sea anemone

is combined with swamp potato,
right, Yucky?

Yucky!

And how about a little toe of sloth?

Yucky!

Did it work?

Fascinating! Fierce!

- Tony, look.
- No, I don't want to touch it. Aah!

Yucky!

Yucky! Yucky!

That was so much fun!

I should never have doubted you!

These silly spheres are way too good
to keep to ourselves.

We need to share the silliness.

Gonna spread some silly

Gonna spread some silly

Thurston, you ninny!

You know that we cannot afford
to let our guard down!

The sludge cannon must be kept
in tip-top condition!

Okay, target acquired.

Let's get a closer look.

Wow, Count Wretcher's in rare form today.

Fire in the hole!

You're going to try?
Well, thank you very...

Ooh!

Count Wretcher?

Thurston, my dear fellow,

I feel positively silly!

Ha ha ha! Whoa!

It's smaller than ever!

Do you guys have anything else?

Well, there is one more thing
you could try.

Thanks for nothing, you two.

Anytime, sis!

Well.
Time to get a quart of lice cream

and wallow in self-pity.

Who knew that Count Wretcher
even had a decent giggle in him?

That sure was a gas, Billy!

- Indeed.
- What?

Yucky.

But I wonder...

No, don't do that, Billy.

I wonder if it would be possible to make

Count Wretcher feel even sillier!

Mr. Wretcher's probably
feeling silly enough, Billy.

That's where you're wrong, Tony!

Wrong, wrong

Tony's so wrong

Needs a little something.

Got it! A little Billy con carne.

The sludge cannon is not going
to calibrate itself!

Sorry, Count Wretcher, it's just...

Wonderful! It's time for Hour of Excuses,

starring everyone's
favorite loathsome loser,

the most incompetent little cretin
in all the land,

the pharaoh of failure,

the sultan of stupidity,

the maharajah of moronic...

Hi! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Thurston, how marvelous it is

to have a little love buddy
like you around!

Count Wretcher, are you feeling okay?

Why, Thurston, I've never felt better
in my entire li...

What... is... happening to me?

Yah!

Yucky! Yucky! Yucky!

Dilley!

Make a laughing stock of me, will they?

Whoo!

It's so easy, one, two, three

You know, Billy,
that was actually pretty funny.

Yucky!

Dilley!

You'll pay for this!

If you don't go faster,
tiny Mr. Wretcher is going to catch you!

I'm carrying too much weight!

I need to unload some ballast!

Guys, it's working!

So, there I was,
in the heart of the battle,

when all of a sudden...

Come back here, rapscallions!

Billy!

Looks like it's shoes
for dinner again, old buddy.

Gads! My physique!

- Billy!
- Billy!

Is it just my imagination,
or does everyone

in Subterranea-Tania
look more handsome today?

Yucky!

Billy!

Might've gone a little heavy
on the swamp potato.

Tony just knew we shouldn't open
the cabinet.

Now he's going to be beaten up
by scary clones!

- Yucky.
- Well, the door is locked,

so maybe they'll just, you know, go away?

- Yah!
- Yah!

Or maybe they'll just burst through
the door and kill us.

I know you're in here somewhere,
Billy Dilley!

Where are you, Billy?

So, so much harder
without muscles.

Show yourselves, cowards!

Wretcher! Any sign of Billy?

I wasn't actually looking for Billy.

I just relish the idea of destroying
the Hagwitch's belongings.

This doesn't look good, you guys.
I think we have to make a break for it.

But, Billy, shouldn't we try
to fix the problem we caused?

Not if we want to live, Tony.

Not if we want to live.

Aah! Ooh!

After them!

- Maybe if we reason with them?
- Billy! Billy!

We'd probably have better luck dealing
with the Hag...

Holy smokes!

I'm gone for three hours,
and this is what I come home to?

Wait, what? You opened my cabinet?

You fools!

Miss Hagwitch,
please have mercy on us.

And why in earth would I do that?

Things just got out of hand so fast.

First, the cabinet was so fascinating,
and maybe there were doilies in it.

- Doilies?
- And then Yucky came over and opened it.

What the heck is a Yucky?

Yucky.

Right. So then, in a fit
of scientific curiosity, we mixed up...

trashed the place looking for us,
and then you arrived,

and then I started explaining
what happened,

and telling you that I learned my lesson

and that I should've listened
to you in the first place...

...and then it was right now!

- Whee!
- Whee!

Billy...

...as soon as this wears off,

I'm gonna turn you into a toadstool!

Billy!

Miss Hagwitch, I'm so sorry!

No. It's perfect!

It is? What?

You saved the day, Billy!

Now, all of you, clear out of here.

I got some cleaning up to do.

I'll be seeing you later,

Raymond Wretcher.

Shouldn't we help you clean up, ma'am?

Don't worry, kid, I got my ways.

Ala-kazaam!

Gosh! I thought for sure that we would get

some kind of punishment for disobeying
the Hagwitch.

Well,
another house-sitting success story.

I said you've got the wrong number

For the right guy

I'll do the job for you

Just pay the price

Run, run, run away

Baby, stick to the plan

Run, run, run away

Catch me if you can