Big Trouble at Barney's (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Beer and Balls - full transcript

- Jake?

What's her story?

- Who, Nadia?

- Yeah.

She's always playing by herself.

- I don't know, maybe that's her thing.

- Well, I'd like to be her thing.

- Go talk to her.

- No, I'm just gonna finish this.

- You always been an early drinker?

- Don't judge me.

- Hey, I mean the more
you drink the more I make.

Just saying you know, you're
in here a lot of mornings.

- I work nights so this is my after work.

- What do you do?

- Work at the airport on a fueling truck.

- Yeah, you like it?

- Yeah, it's straight.

I just do my thing.

- Wish there were more people in here

for you to hang out with.

- If you get a chance, would you please

find out what her deal is?-

- On the down low?

- So low.

- So, so, so low.

- That's just weird.

- I'll see what I can find out.

- Thanks.

- Hey.

- Hey Tracy.

- Where have you been?

- Dealing with family shit.

- Cool.

I hear you're getting a promotion.

- What?

- Well Clarissa got
fired while you were away

and who else is gonna
fill her size 11 shoes?

Good luck.

- I'm a seven and a half.

- Hey, I'm really exhausted.

Can you take over?

- I bet you are.

Hey Jake.

Never mind.

- Okay.

- When's the next one?

- I don't know.

- This is the perfect setup.

The guys bleed cash, and they're nice.

- I'll ask Jake.

- Seriously, like yesterday,

the guy I went home with
works in the Silicone Valley.

- The guy I went home
with is a computer genius

and he drives a Tesla.

- You didn't even know
what a Tesla was yesterday.

- Well he still drives one.

- Ladies, I'll have a talk with him

and I'll let you know what's next.

- Okay, bye.

- What are you doing here?

- I came to see Jake.

- Why?

- Because I wanted to.

- He's my partner and I don't want him

sleeping with the help.

- I'm not the help.

I'm the main attraction.

- Anyone but him.

- I don't need your permission.

Tell Jake I stopped by

and I'll get my panties later.

- You've been with us for three years

and your work's always been exceptional.

- Thank you.

- A growing company like
hours sometimes needs

to make changes to have
the best possible machine.

- Great.

- You may have heard we
let Clarissa go last week.

- No, I didn't.

- It's all part of a reshuffle

I believe is gonna make
the company stronger

and more efficient.

- It's great.

- So, we're gonna let you go as well.

- Excuse me?

- The tension's been
split the past few weeks.

I need a team that's all in.

- My dad died.

- We all face hardships.

I need a team that can
manage work-life balance.

- I'm sorry my dad's death didn't coincide

with your all in plan,
you fucking squirrel.

- Yo, no need for name-calling.

- Listen, you skinny dick fuck,

I was all in for three years

so your severance package better be epic

or I'm gonna go work for Global.

- No, no, no, you have
a non-compete clause.

- Yes, yes, yes, because that was here

before all that bullshit,
before your all in plan.

And Global will realize
that I'm a team player

as they destroy you.

So, Paul, I want a severance package

emailed to me before five p.m.

Or I'm gonna switch teams
and go all in balls deep!

- Where is everyone?

- No one for the last
two hours except Nadia.

- That is not good, Caroline's gonna shit.

- The flip side, just about
every girl from last night

has been by.

- With cash?

- Everyone except Ashley.

Said she was doing charity work.

- No she wasn't, she was here.

- Have fun?

- Yeah you know, she's a great girl

but she tried to outdrink me and lost.

- Jake, you can't be
sleeping with the girls.

- The only one sleeping was Ashley

and that was after she
threw up and passed out.

- That's all that happened?

- What are you, my mom?

- What, do you go down on your mom?

- Okay, I'm sensing some tension here.

- Did she leave her panties.

- Under the pillow.

She must have forgot them,

that's weird.

- I have to go.

See you at six.

- What's at six?

Are you mad at me?

- Fuck.

- Hey wait, wait.

Nadia, right?

- Jake, right?

- Yeah, listen.

There's a guy who's in
here a lot early mornings.

- The tall, good looking black guy?

- He's a tall guy, sure.

He wanted me to ask you if you're single.

- Why didn't he ask me?

- I think he was trying
to respect your space.

- Well tell him, if he
beats me in the game

he can ask me anything he wants.

- Okay.

And if he doesn't?

Cold blooded.

- Do you wanna start?

- I need to go, I'm sorry.

- I think everyone is in agreement

that last night was a huge success.

Not everyone continued with their dates

but that is the beauty of it.

Is there anyone who
doesn't want to make this

an ongoing thing?

Great, any questions?

- What if you pick the wrong guy

and you wanna switch?

- You'll have to figure
that out for yourselves.

That said, if there is any infighting,

or you're making any
client feel unwelcome,

you'll be cut from the events.

- What about the 20 percent cut?

How do we know that
everyone is being honest?

- The only one I wouldn't trust is you.

- Coming from you, I'm
like not even insulted.

- That is what I'm talking about.

Ladies, we have a unique
situation going on here.

You're not on some street
corner competing for tricks.

With that said, the house
will take a hundred dollars

if you decide to continue with your date.

The rest of it is yours.

- But that could be more than 20 percent.

- Yes, or it could be less.

Let's try it out for a week and see

how it works out.

- When's the next one?

- Thursday?

- Thursday, and then we'll
try Sunday and Wednesday.

If we need more, we'll add.

If not, we'll cut it back.

Who's in?

You sure you wanna get into this business?

- Sure.

Sure as I am of anything.

I'm sure you have me pictured as this guy

who has it all together, but,

I'm in new territory here.

- What's your concern?

- Well, we gotta tell my sister, right?

- I mean, yeah.

But let's make some serious money first,

she understands that.

- Yeah.

Show her every possible upside, you know

instead of that getting arrested part.

- What do you wanna see
happen with this place?

I think my dad would
think it's really cool

the way we're saving this place

and how we're doing it.

But if I was the one who came through,

you know, instead of Caroline,

it would show my family I'm not the loser

they think I am.

- Hey, no pity parties.

- Yeah.

What do you wanna see out of this?

- Not get evicted.

Have the first of the month
not be a curse of bills

but a new month of opportunity.

- Were you trying to make mine suck

because you made mine sound really lame.

- You're a good man, Jake.

I'm really glad you came into my life.

See you tonight, partner.

- Bye.

- I fucking hate kids.

- You know what
happened to me today?

- Your father used to be the leader

of a group called the Alamo Death Squad.

You heard of it?

- Go away!

You're such a dick!

- You'll have five minutes with each

of our lovely ladies tonight.

At the end of the speed round,

each lady will pick her
man as a pool partner

in our tournament.

The winner gets his entrance fee refunded.

Have a seat, guys.

- What does the number 69 mean to you?

- Easy, 70 plus two.

- She she had a pantsuit on.

Just smelled like cinnamon.

- Sometimes I dress up
in my mother's makeup.

- My pinkie doesn't straighten.

You're the first one I told.

- Thank you.

- So you pick
people with generic names?

- No more like I just say things like

girl, yeah baby you like that?

- Have you ever been setup on a date?

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

Yes she has, she has, yeah.

- No, absolutely not.

- Every time I go into a pool, I pee.

- Sex for breakfast, you get
it first thing in the morning,

you know, most important meal of the day.

- I've hooked up with this guy before.

- Would you date you?

- Um, no, no, too much baggage.

- Good to know.

- Yeah.

- Good to know.

- Mars.

- Mars, hot.

- We can make
it like a round trip.

- I'd love that.

- Love traveling the earth.

- I'm really into fingertips.

- Yeah, just the fingertips?

- Just the tip?
- Yeah just the tip.

Yeah exactly.

I mean the actual finger
is kind of ugly to me.

But the tips you can do so much with them.

- What's one thing
you would never eat

on a first date?

- We're all thinking it.

- What's up?

- Hey can I take off?

- Yeah no problem.

- Jake, don't grab low hanging fruit.

You deserve better.

- Fruit?

I don't even eat fruit.

What does that mean?

- See you tomorrow.

- Low fruit would be easier to grab.

I'm short.

- Jake, Jake, can I get a beer?

- Yeah.

- Can I have some money?

- I thought you left.

- I was trying to make you jealous.

- Me jealous, me?

- Why don't you say we
pick up where we left off?

- Okay.

- Who is it?

- It's Ashley.

- You want a drink?

- No.

I'm leaving, Jake.

- You just got here.

- No.

I'm leaving L.A.

- Why?

- Mostly because of you.

- I'm sorry.

- No, thank you.

You made me feel normal.

Like I had some self-worth.

And I haven't felt that in a long time.

- Where are you gonna go?

- Home.

Up to Washington State.

I'm gonna go see my mom,

take it day by day.

- Wow.

You know, I'm gonna miss you.

And not just because
of the sexy time thing.

- Me too.

See you, Jake.

- Hi.

Can I get you a drink?

- What do you got that's strong?

- Well we're a
wine and beer place only.

But I could get you a Red Bull.

- You're looking good.

- Thank you.

- Is Caroline here?

- She's in the back.

Do you want me to get her?

- Please.

- Hey Caroline.

There's some lady here to see you.

- What are you doing here?

- What?

No, hello mom?

- Mom?

- I ain't here for no family reunion.

And I don't expect you
to get all mushy like.

- Good.

What do you want?

- I heard my husband died.

I just came to get what's mine.

- He had a will and left you nothing.

Mainly because you disappeared while Jake

was still in diapers.

- I did you all a favor.

- Well, why don't you be the
gift that keeps on giving

and disappear for another 20 years?

- I wouldn't expect you
to understand, baby girl.

- Do you want the attorney's number?

Not necessary, it's a gray area.

One that I am willing to explore.

- The business is upside down.

The building has a lien on it by the IRS

and at this rate, we're gonna be shut down

within four months.

- Really?

- Really.

So, if you want to get your
saggy ass behind the bar

and help us out,

then please be my guest.

- Well, it sure was great seeing you both.

- You think we'll see her again?

- A hundred percent.

- So how did the reunion go?

- Little liars claim there's no money.

- But was it good to see them?

- I ain't buying it.

They're hiding something.

- Is it weird after all these years?

- I am gonna get my money, Eddie.

- Hello?

- Hey Jack, it's Caroline.

- How's the
revival of Barney's going?

- Unpredictable.

Our mother just showed up.

- Janice?

- Yeah, like a fricking vulture.

- That's not good.

- Listen Jack, I will kill her

before I give her anything.

- Okay well don't do that yet.

What did you tell her?

- I mean the truth, just that
the place is under water.

- Good, don't say anything else.

I need to do some research.

Give me a few days, okay?

- Hey jack?

- Yeah?

- She doesn't have a claim
to any of this, does she?

- Let me do my thing, all right?

- Okay, thanks.


- What did he say?

- He said to give him a few days.

I'm really sorry, Jake.

- For what?

- I shouldn't have let
my anger run her off.

You know I really should have asked

if you wanted to talk to her.

- I don't know that lady.

It's you and me, that's it.

- Things could get nasty.

- She doesn't know nasty.

I can get nasty.

- Really?

- Yes, like,

you know, like dishes in the bathtub

'cause the kitchen sink's
broken kind of nasty.

You know like it's August
and you're in Louisiana

and you wanna take a shower but you can't

'cause there's dishes in the bathtub,

that kind of nasty, you know.

Like walking in on your dad taking a shit

like an hour after Thanksgiving dinner

and he's like been backed up.

Like that kind of nasty.

Or like you know, maybe
that security guard

that you've had a crush on for a while

and there's an outhouse
and maybe, you know

you guys just lock eyes
and it gets real wet

and you know like balls deep nasty?

- That's what I said to my boss, Jake.

I literally said balls deep.

- Yeah, how'd you work that into quitting?

- Well you know, you're not the only one

who could get nasty.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

Like sweat, yeah.

Like sweaty and stuff.

- Nasty girl.

- Cool.

- Hey Jake.

- What's up, Vince?

- You seem to know a lot of pretty ladies,

all come in here bringing you cash.

Is this something I can get in on?

- Sure, yeah, you know.

It's um, it's a multilevel
marketing company

that specializes in
feminine hygiene products

so we're talking douches,
tampons, creams, you know,

antifungals you know,
'cause there is fungus.

This thing called a moon cup,

I don't know if you've heard of that.

But you know, pads, powders

to kind of clear things up.

It's mostly women so far
but we could use a guy

so I could set you up.

- I'm good.

- But I did speak with Nadia.

- What'd she say?

- She said she'll answer
any question you want

as long as you can beat
her in a game of pool.

- That's a bet.

- Good luck.

- Shh, I got it.



I'm Vince.

Jake told me about a wager you proposed,

a little game for conversation.

- You think you can beat me?

- I'm gonna try.

- Rack them up.

- Okay.

- So the income has come.

That's stupid.

Caroline, the passive income
has become active income

and now here it is.

- Jake?

- Hey.

- Hey, we gotta talk.

- Yeah, I wanted to talk to you too,

but I need you to not freak out.

- Jake, I don't need this.

What did you do?

- I made a shitload of money.

- How, naked poetry?

- Well, the naked does sell.

- But I thought you said you couldn't find

girls to do it.

- Actually, Jessica
got the girls to do it.

- What the shit?

How much is here?

- I haven't counted it
yet, but it's a lot.

- This is insane, Jake.

My god.


- Great.

- Wow!

- Yeah, wow.
- My god.

Well, what, what?

No I was trying to do like a,

but something like a brother sister,

like cool thing.

- That's good, let's do that.

- Okay, but like a, ha, right!

Is that cool, it's like a pah!

- Bah?

- Pah, Jake.

- Aaa!

- Yeah.

Hell yeah.


It's a good job.

- Passive income.


Hi, we're 21 and over, so

can I see your fake ID please?

- I'm not here to drink.

- Well you have to be 21 to play

so just tell me you're 21 and it's cool.

- I'm looking for Barney.

He passed away a few months ago.

Did you know him?

- Never met him.


- Hey.

Hey wait, wait.

Wait up.

What did you want to ask him?

Maybe I can help.

- I don't think so.

I just found out last
week that he's my dad

and I just wanted to meet him.

- Wait, dad?

He's my dad.

So if he's your dad and my dad, then that,

you have a sister!

You gotta meet your sister.

Hey Caroline!

- What's up?

- Meet your little sister.

Our little sister.