Big Trouble at Barney's (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Something slightly illegal - full transcript

- Summer is bright.

But not at night.

And winter's aglow but sometimes cold.

My favorite of all is fall

leaving spring for another thought.

- Awesome, yes.

Do you have another's
hours worth of material?

- I have stacks.

- Then let's do it.

- So you're gonna pay me
200 to do my poems here?

- Yes.

But, research has shown
that if you perform

your poetry without the
confines of clothing,

then the audiences will be
bigger and we can charge more.

- Naked?

- Naked poetry, aaah.

- Why didn't you put that in the ad?

- I felt that was a detail
better expressed in person.

- You're a pig.

- Come back if you change your mind?

- Hey Paul.

- I need you to
come in this morning

for the Fargo meeting.

It should only take until four.

- Yeah, but,

yeah but I said I needed
the full two weeks.

- Be a team
player, just run on over.

- Right now?

- Yes, right now.

We're going all in on this account.

- Okay.

- All in, Caroline.

- Bye.

You dick.


I have to go in to work

so can you cover for me?

- Hey, I haven't slept.

Do you see sympathy on my face?

- Hilarious.

- Don't sleep with anyone, thanks.

- Hey Jake.

- Hey.

- Not busy for a Friday.

- Nope.

- Hey.

Snap out of it.

- No one wants to play
pool anymore, you know?

No one's sitting at home saying

I gotta go out and play some pool.

No, they're all on Tinder
trying to, hook up.

- Well then make this a place to hook up.

If you can get the girls here,

the guys will follow.

- That's brilliant, but how?

- Have a dating event.

Singles only, charge a cover,

girls get in for free.

If guys find out that they
can meet hot girls here,

business will boom.

- Okay, where do we get the girls?

- I'm gonna regret this.

Let's close early tonight.

I'll call the girls
from the support group.

- The escorts?

- They need cash.

Look, just give them the door

and Barney's keeps the bar.

- All right.

Let's do it.


- Hey, it's me.

How's everything going?

- It's going great, okay?

Can't talk now, see you in the backside.

- What?


- We'll be selling this as
an exclusive dating event.

10 girls, 10 guys, we're still
figuring out the details.

- What exactly are we selling?

- We're selling possibilities.

- They're going to pay
us just to play pool?

No sex?

- Yes.

You'll talk with each guy for five minutes

and then you'll pick one and play with you

in the tournament.

- Which is a perfect
time to push the drinks.

- We'll play single elimination
until we have a winner.

- How much to get in?

- I'll set up an event page for the guys

to bid for a spot.

Top 10 highest bids get in.

- Nice.

- Drinks.

- So what now?

- I'll just need a few photos

and then we're ready to go live.

- What kind of photos?

- The kind that will
make us all some money.

- Photos with drinks.

- Hey.

Good morning.

- Something's wrong.

- Maybe it's not live yet.

- We just need the first
person to bid then it's on.

Just wait.

- Seriously?

- 10 bucks?

- Welcome to the first speed
dating event here at Barney's.

The bar is open.

Jessica here will give you the rules.

- You will have five minutes with each

of our lovely ladies tonight.

At the end of the speed round,

each lady will pick her
man as a pool partner

in our tournament.

The winner gets his bar tab
and entrance fee refunded

and the rest of you will
just have a great time.

- All right, the bar
is open so grab a drink

and let's get started.

- All right everyone, let's get started.

- How long was your
longest relationship?

- Well, he lasted five
minutes, so five minutes.

- 10 minutes.

- What do you look for in a guy/girl?

- Nice hair, good leg hair.

Yeah, the usual.

- Leg hair?

- Yeah.

- What is something that no
one else knows about you?

- I was raised by nuns.

So, that.

- Have you ever had a
fantasy about a teacher?

- More than I'd like
to say, yes I have.

- What is your biggest turnoff in dating?

- Just not hearing back, it just happens.

- This question felt like
I was your therapist.

- Taco, sushi.

Sushi taco.

- Have you ever made a sex tape?


- I'll go with sushi.

- Okay.

- With taco.

- How many times have you been in love?

- Once.

Never again.

- What color underwear
do you think I'm wearing?

- Pink.

- Wrong.

- I would definitely go back to 1993

back when I was born.

And then I could see myself as a baby

and then I could raise myself
to become the perfect man.

- What would your dream date be like?

- Being on a date.

- Describe yourself in four words.

- Can't guess underwear color?

- Try one more time.

- Purple.

- You're not good at this game, are you?

- Have you ever worn your underwear

two days in a row?

- God no, do people do that?

- Describe yourself
in three simple words.

- Um, I would say probably
pretty, attractive,

and I've also heard beautiful too.

- I call everybody Jeff.

- What's the worst pickup
line you've ever heard?

- Hey.

- Mine is actually when they say

your sister rejected me so here I am.

- Consolation prize.

- Wow.

- What has taken up too much of your life?

- Honestly, probably like pooping.

- All righty.

- She didn't do it.

My god!

- Jessica, can I talk to you?

- Sure.

- So what's the deal if I wanna hook up

with this guy professionally?

- Kiki, I thought you were done.

- I know, but he's cool.

I told him what I do, he's fine with it.

- You don't need my permission.

- Well, I just wanna know
how much the house makes.

- What do you think is fair?

- 20 percent.

- Deal.

- Deal.

- This is fantastic.

Everyone's getting along so well,

it's like love is in the air.

- You have no idea.

- Jake please, I
just want one more drink,

I'm so thirsty.

- Your Uber, he's thirsty too,

have a drink with him.

- Ubers don't carry drinks.

- He's got drinks in there.

I asked him, I wrote in
the thing, bring drinks.

- You did not.

- I did.
- I'm gonna ask him.

- He's got him.

- I'm asking him, Jake.

- Okay, ask him, he'll answer.

It's only three a.m. but we made bank.

I need a beer though.

You want a coke or something?

No, I'm fine, I gotta pick up Jacob.

- Who's Jacob?

- I have a two year old son.

- Cool.

I love kids.

You should bring him by here.

- Here?

- Yeah I grew up here, you know.

Tooling around, sneaking
little sips of Bud

every now and then.

Sneaking in the bathroom.

That wasn't the men's room
if you know what I mean.

- So I don't know if you noticed

but about half the girls left
with their dates tonight.

- That's fantastic.

Once word gets out, bids'll
go through the roof.

- Jake, to have sex.

- Even better.

- For money.

- Not even better.

- What?

- We pulled them out of
an escort support group

and then we just sucked them back in.

- You didn't have a
problem when it was me.

- I didn't know you were
trying to get out of the game.

I wouldn't have subbed you back in.

- Jake, we've set up the
perfect situation for them.

You don't get it.

They get paid to come to these events.

They get to meet the guys
and hang out, have some fun.

They decide if they want to take it

to the next level.

- It just feels wrong.

- What happened to Jake?

- Jake doesn't see an upside.

- House gets 20 percent.

- Jake sees an upside.

- I'm gonna need a cut
somewhere in that equation.

- For sure.

- Later, pimp.

- We are closed.


Who is it?

- It's Ashley.

- Hey Ashley.

- I left my phone.

- Come on in.

- Sorry Jake, I'm always
leaving it places.


Are you the last one here?

- First and last, every day.

- Can I get a drink?

- Sure, drinks.

Drink, drinky drink drinks.

- So why do you live here?

- I just moved back to LA.

My father just died.

- I'm sorry.

- This was his place, you know,

so my sister and I,
we're gonna take it over,

see what happens.

- That's so sweet.

- Thanks.

I don't wanna get into
your personal business

but did you go home with your date?

- No.

He was nice but not for me.

- You know some
of the other girls did,

like in a professional way?

- I heard Vanessa's guy
spent a grand for the night.

- A grand?

- Wait, how'd you find that out so quick?

- We have a group chat.

So when's the next one?

- I don't know.

I guess I'll have to talk
to Jessica about that.

- Are you two a thing?

- What, no.

She works here and you know,

we're partners on this venture.

- You do not wanna play that game with me.

- Try me.

- Not fair, okay?

- Hey, you're better at pool

so I'm just using what I have.

- Ahaha, victory!

You know, pool's not your game

but I'm sure you're good at other things.

- I sure am.

- Whoah, whoah, back
it in, danger, danger.


I'm banned from the pay for sex thing.

- I haven't had sex for
money in nine months.

And fuck you!

- Fuck you!

- Don't say that.

- Why?

- 'Cause it's mean.

- I'm sorry, I mean I'm
new to this, you know.

I mean, do I pay you?

Do I have to pay you?

Is that like a gratuity thing,

do I pay myself?

I mean my sister paid for my sex.

And I mean people are paying me for sex

that I'm not having, I mean.

What do I do, write myself a check,

I don't have any money.

- Shhh.

Shh, shh, shh.

If you just stop talking,

you might get lucky, pimp.

- What's wrong?

Get it out.

Get it all out, it'll feel better.



Looks like we've cycled
back to lunch, okay.

Good morning.

- Thanks for washing my shirt.

- Yeah well it was sort of pukey.

- I hope you weren't disappointed.

- Why would I be
disappointed, I mean you just,

- See ya.

- Okay.

Do you want some coffee?

- No, I'm good, thanks.