Big Trouble at Barney's (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Jake's no Flake - full transcript

- 76 is a good number!

- I don't know what
that means but it's hot.

- Zero zero one
one, zero zero one zero.

How many licks does it
take to get to the center

of your tootsie roll pop?

- I guess I'll find out.

- Yeah.

- Does that feel good?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

This is so cool.

- Okay.

Don't judge what we did.

Look at this guy.

He's having the time of his life.

- This for me?

- Yeah.

Just a little bit extra.

You're amazing.

- Can you zip me up?

- This has to be one of the
coolest nights of my life.

Are you having any more events?

- I'm sure we are.

Just check the site.

- If you do, there's a
couple guys at my work

that would lose their minds.

- Just do me a favor, don't
give them all the details.

Just tell them to come,

treat the ladies with respect,

and they'll have a good time.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- What do sex and pool
halls have in common?

Just give me 60 seconds to explain.

Well hello, Miss Avery.

- My client from last
night wants to take me

to Vegas for the weekend.

What do you think?

- What do you think?

- Sounds like fun.

I could use the money.

- Vegas, baby.

Just talk to Jessica.

- Okay, great, seeya.

- Seeya.

It wasn't a planned
thing, it just happened.

And then spiraled
completely out of control.


- Thanks.

- Hey Jake.

- Hey Bella.

- Guess what?

- What?

- I got a new car.

- Really?

What'd you get?

- An A5 convertible.

Sports back.

- Ooh, I want a ride.

- I bet you do.

See you tonight.

- Seeya.

I met this girl and she
knew these other girls

who were out of work.

Hey, Bella.

And it just sort of happened

and I'll end up getting the blame

like I always do.

Is your beer okay?

- Just waiting on a few friends.

- And then, like
everything else in my life,

the shit hit the freaking fan.

But wait, I skipped
over all the good stuff.

Let me explain how it happened.

- So you know he named you
the executor of the estate.

And you and your brother
are the only beneficiaries

since your mother hasn't been heard from

in 20 something years.

- My brother's been MIA
for a while as well.

- Well we've sent letters
to all known addresses

so don't worry about that.

Just follow the will
and you'll be protected.

- Right, how bad is it?

- Well, the pool hall pulls
in 115,000 gross a year.

- Wow.

- Your father bought the building in 1982

for 32,000 and it appraised
just this last year

for a bit over 600,000.

- So he did okay.

- Well, now the bad news.

The pool hall's been losing
money for the last 10 years.

- How?

- Your father has a
series of personal loans

and a big one against the building

totalling 460,000.

You're an accountant.

I don't have to paint you a picture.

- It's upside down.

- You know I really can't give
you advice on this situation

but you really need to
do what's best for you.

Don't let a sinking ship
take you down with it.

- Just send me your invoice
and I'll take care of it.

- I've had a lot of
free beer and good times

in this place, we're good.

- Thanks a lot.

- It's an owl.

Yeah, that was an owl.

Thank you so much for the ride, dude.

And thank you for the tip.

See you, buddy.



This can't be good.


Babe, what's up with my stuff?


- I want you to leave.

- Look, you're killing
a great buzz right now.

Can we just go out to
eat and talk about it?

- Jake, we've had a lot of
fun over the past few months,

but it's over and I need you to leave.

- Yeah, I wasn't expecting this

so I'll need to get my
papers and affairs in order.

- I put a few hundred with your stuff.

- Well, I can see I'm not
wanted here.

About the phone?

- I'll pay you off and
just get a new account.

- Thanks.

Could you wait a few days
before you shut it off?

- Goodbye, Jake.

- Fuck.

Fuck, fuck fuck!

- You gotta be kidding me.

We're not open.

- It's okay.

I kind of figured that.

- Can I help you?

- You must be Caroline.

- Have we met?

- No.

I was a friend of your dad's.

He used to talk about you all the time.

My name's Mort.

- Hi Mort.

- I'm sorry for your loss.

- Thanks.

- Anyway, he kept my stick back there.

It's in a black case.

It's got my name on it.

- Okay.


- Yeah.

- Okay, here you go.

- Thank you.

We had some good times here.

What you gonna do with it?

- I'm not sure.

- Well.

It's a piece of history.

I hope you can keep it going.

Anyway, Caroline, it was nice meeting you.

- You too.

Hey Mort, I'm gonna be
here for a few hours

so you can play if you want to.

- I just might do that.

- Okay, I understand what you're saying

but he's dead.


Okay, I'm trying to
work out a payment plan

but I need a little bit of time

and I can pay it off.

I don't think you
understand what I'm saying

because he's dead.




Okay, I'll do that today.

Mhmm, I understand.

Thank you.

Hey Mort.

- IRS.

- How'd you know?

- DMV, IRS, they're the only
ones who would be that stupid.

- It's like you're talking to somebody

who's speaking a foreign language.

- In 1996, my car got towed
right out here in front.

- By the IRS?

- No, DMV.

Expired registration, I was
going through a rough patch.

But you know what your dad did?

- Well, he took me over
to the DMV and he paid

for the registration and
went to the tow yard,

got my car out, paid for that.

Saved my ass.

Without that car,

my life would have gotten to shit.

Your dad was a good man.

- Well.

- Where are you?

- I'm over here.

- Marco.

- Polo.

- Come here.

I'm all bent.

I'm ready and waiting.

Officer, I've been bad.

I think you're so strong.

I think you need to punish me.

- Hey!

- My god, are you his wife?

- Hi sis.

- Thank god.

- Can I get a hug?

- Can you put some clothes on?

- Pretty nice, right?

- Your latest girlfriend?

- No, total sex for hire.

- She's a hooker?

- Shh hey, you can't say that.

Sex worker, escort.

- I don't care, get her out.

- I have an hour left.

Can you come back?

- No.

- Why are you cockblocking me?

Where's the cash?

- There is no cash.

- Stocks?

- None.

- Bonds, cars?

- None and none.

- I thought he owned the building?

- He does, but it's upside down.

- Fuck, dad!

- I don't know what's going on here

but you owe me 600 dollars.

- 600?

- What, you got a problem with that?

- To have sex with my brother, no.

But he doesn't have it.

- Well, he bit me over
every inch of this place

so someone has to pay me.

- Okay, I didn't need to know that.

- She's actually worth it.

- He doesn't have it so you're gonna have

to come back tomorrow.

- Well I don't think I should
have to travel to get paid.

- And I don't think that
I should have to pay

my brother's escort.

- Yeah, dick.

- So I'm the bad guy.

- And one more condition,

do not sleep with him again
unless he has cash in hand.

- Don't worry about it.

- Bye.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I've missed you.

- I've missed you.

- Jake, dad was broke and
owes a shitload of money.

- Okay?

I'm a numbers guy, hit me.

- 600,000.

- Dollars?


- It's not about how but who.

The IRS.

- I hate those guys.

- Bottom line is, we come
up with 597,000 dollars

in the next 12 months or they
take absolutely everything.

- Okay.

So we break it down into smaller chunks.

- 1600 dollars a day.

- Maybe smaller.

- 67 dollars an hour every hour

for the next 12 months.

- Okay, well we can work with that.

But if it's every hour that means

we need to make money while we sleep.

Now, Mr. Tony Robbins refers to that

as passive income, I believe.

So I'll have to watch tape three

to figure out exactly what that is.

- Is Tony Robbins the guy in Shallow Hal?

- Yeah but he's not just a great actor,

he's also a financial genius.

- Okay well you me and Mr. Robbins

need to figure this shit out stat

or we are absolutely screwed.

- Okay.

You know, the more I think about it,

I think it's gonna be okay.

- Can I have the paper towel?

- You know, what we need
are job titles, right?

Co owner, CEO, people respect that.

- You want a title?

How about janitor and lazy ass brother?

- That's not being productive.

- Okay well if you wanna be productive

how about you help me clean

and we can come up with job titles?

- I'm not in a hurry.

Okay, okay, I'll help.

That was fucked up.


- I wanna open the floor
for anyone needing support

who might have relapsed
or be feeling pressures.

- I'm just finding money
really tight right now.

- My skill set is a little bit limited.

- Well that's for sure.

- The past is the past.

It's important that you
focus on improving yourselves

with school or online classes.

- But that costs money.

- You have to trust that
opportunities are gonna present

themselves and get out there
so that they can find you.

Opportunity finds me every
time I leave the door.

But I'm not making any money off of it.

- No kidding.

I passed up a grand of
opportunity this morning.

- Ladies, I was there,
I know the struggle.

But we know that this
just leads to our pimps

beating us up and our clients hurting us.

- My bills are adding up,
Sarah, that's just the fact.

- They shut off my cellphone.

I offered the kid at the store a handjob

to turn it back on.

He turned me down, little prick.

- Two blowjobs a month
for my car payments.

- One blowjob, two
quickies and three hours

of me insulting him, and I
get to keep my apartment free.

- You've got it easy.

Two handjobs, a rusty
trombone, GFS two nights a week

and he wants me to try a wet dog in a tub.

But that's gonna cost him cash.

- I'd never do a wet dog again.

- Ladies, I think we've gotten
used to making quick cash

but it's important that we
focus on making honest money

even if it takes a
little bit of extra time.

- Thanks for today.

You're actually really helpful.

- Don't act so surprised.

- You wanna crash in my place tonight?

- No, I'll crash in the back.

- Really?

- Yeah, I like it here.

- Okay, but no dates
until you can afford them.

- Got it.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do.

There's just no way I can keep my job

and keep doing these hours.

- Then quit.

- I can't, it's the only income we have.

- I had an idea.

So this place is empty
from two a.m. to noon.

We start a side business, we make money

while we're closed.

- I think you missed
everything I was just saying.

I literally cannot do any more hours.

- I don't sleep.

I'll just take naps.

You know, cat naps.

- Okay but what would we do?

We can't serve alcohol.

- Well, that has a gray area.

- No it's not.

It's literally black and white.

- Just let me come up
with a few ideas, okay?

If it makes money, it can't be bad, right?

- Mhmm.
- Right?

- Mhmm.

- Come on.

- Have at it.


- Hey, it's Tracy.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Paul wants to know if you can

swing by this morning and
look at the Forrester account.

- No, I told him I need the full two weeks

to deal with my family.

Have Martin deal with it.

- Fine, whatever.

- Okay, see you in two weeks.

- Bye.

- One, two, and that's for you.

- Hey sis.

- The hell is going on?

I said no sex for hire.

- Me?

- No, she's not a sex worker.

She's an artist.

Naked poetry?

- What the shit is naked poetry?

- You've never been?

- No.

- Yeah so I stumbled into
the naked poetry scene

a few years back and Lisa here was a star.

- It's a moneymaker.

- Right, so after I paid Lisa

between the cover and
non alcoholic drinks,

we cleared 500 bucks.

So the late shift for that
67 an hour is covered.

- Okay, I guess.

It was nice meeting you.

- Lisa.

- Right.

- Sorry.

So, when can we book the next one?

- I think my next opening is on the 21st.

- That's in three weeks.

- What can I say, I'm popular.

- Yeah.

Nice shot.

Hey Mort, this place
used to be packed, right?

- Yeah.

Back in the day.

- What happened?

- You kids.

You don't play pool,

you play videos on your phone.

- Yeah, well.

I need to get some people in here.

- Fine, but no assholes.

- Deal.

- I need the cash from the poetry.

- Okay, so how are we gonna split this up?

- Split, there's no split.

- How are we going to live?

- I have a job and savings.

- I am not a plan for the
end of the world type of guy.

So how do I survive?

- Well um, we need to hire a few people

to work this place and
so you can be the first.

- Hold on, half this place is mine.

- This shit was almost
funny when you were 16,

but it's not now.

And so if you don't wanna work,

then get out and check back in a year.

- Fine.

- Thank you.

I have to go put out a few fires

so will you be able to
handle this place alone?

- Sis, come on, it's me, Jake.

Jake does not flake.

- Okay, well Jake, don't fuck it up.

- I got you.

- Yes, you will not fuck...

- Yeah.
- Okay.

No fucking up.

- No fucking up, no fucking down.

- You sure?

- You should have left already.

- Okay.

- Got my money?

- Hey, you look great.

- Not happening.

- No I didn't mean it in a sexy way,

I mean in like a normal way.

- Don't.

- I was just trying
to pay you a compliment.

- Got my money?

- My sister just left.

- Can't you pay me?

- She doesn't really
trust me with money yet.

Do you wanna wait?

Do you wanna have a beer?

- I don't drink.

- You were drinking last night.

- You were drinking.

- So you were fake drinking.
- Mhmm.

- And fake having fun?

- Yup.

- And fake, duh,

Jake, right there,
yup, that's the spot,



- That was real.

- You had me thinking I was
knocking it out of the park.

- Hey, it's my job.

You're supposed to have fun.

- When I get the money,

you and me, heart to

knock knock.

- Nobody's home.

- Sex o'clock.

- Okay, that's weird.

- Chitty chitty bang bang.

- Nope.

- Actually stop.

- Pretty chitty, I love you.

You ever seen that movie?

- No.

- Faster, stronger, harder.

- No, I like it slow.

- Like it slow, it's gonna
be sore and it'll be off.

- I'm gonna get it up, get it in.

- Listen, I was out of
the business for a year

until last night.

- Yeah, well that's good, right?

I mean if you want it to be.

- You know, I lost my
job last week and then

rent was due.

- So I was your rent.

- That was the plan.

- Hey, you need money, work here.

- No.

- My sister says we need to hire somebody.

I mean, have you ever worked a bar?

- I mean how hard can it be?

You guys have beer and balls.

I'm good at both.

- Then you're hired.

You know, till my sister gets back.

Make money while you wait.

- What's the pay?

- You know, it's not
as good as your other job.

But we can talk to Caroline
when she gets back.

- Okay, till she gets back.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Haha, then come on back.

- I'm gonna regret this.

- I solved one of our problems.

- What's she
doing behind the bar?

- I hired her.

- You hired a hooker?

Excuse me, sex worker to work at the bar?

- Yeah, and the customers love her.

- Yeah, I'm sure they do.

- She's the kind of person
that people actually

come back to see.

You know, that means more money.

- You stay away from her.

- What?

How about a thank you?

- Cornelia Funke, she
wrote that book Inkheart

that was made into this movie

and she also, they're like,
- Hey.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

- Yeah, one second.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Um, sorry you had to come back for this.

So Jake wasn't really
authorized to hire anyone.

- Figured.

- So you can leave.

- Mort, it was a pleasure.

I don't work here anymore.


- I think you're making a big mistake.

- Where you going?

You just got here.

- Fuck.

- What?

What is happening?

Well, what was that about?

- I just gave her your job.

- What?

What does that even mean?

- That means you better
step up your game, brother.

- Perfect, just perfect.

Pick on Jake.

- What exactly are we selling?

- We're selling possibilities.

- They're going to pay
us just to play pool?

No sex?