Big Train (1998–2002): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
Excuse me, sir.
Do you want to try one of these?
Oh, go on, then.
No, thanks.
# Big Train
# Big Train
Hello.
I love London at this time of year.
You what?
Listen, I'm getting a little bored of the party.
I wondered if you'd like to share
a cab home with me?
(mimicking) I'm getting a little bored
of the party. (babbles)
I'm sorry?
Right. Well, I see you want
to be left alone, so, good night.
Yeah, go on, then. Go on.
I was here first.
(sighs) God, why do I always do that?
I'm so lonely.
(funky music)
(# "Steptoe and Son" theme)
(booing)
- What is it, darling?
- The results from my test.
- What does it say?
- They can't find anything wrong with me.
I'm a... a... new species.
It says I'm a completely new species.
They've never come across anything like it.
How can you be a completely new species?
- They must have got the result mixed up.
- Yeah. Happens quite a lot, doesn't it?
It's my test results.
I'm afraid it's very, very bad news.
(man) Ahh!
- Look, Jemima, it's a doll. Isn't it lovely?
- Yeah!
And, darling, this is for you.
Can I open it, Dad?
You know I love opening presents.
Go on, then, Jemima.
OK, give it to me, Jemima.
- Isn't it great?
- Ooh.
It's got a tiny keyboard.
And I mean, really, really tiny.
Go on, give it a go.
Happy Christmas, you fat-handed twat.
(exhales)
We all know that coming through a traumatic
experience can be very, very difficult.
- (sobbing)
- Julie, it's OK.
It's OK.
Primal scream therapy, or PST,
can be a very emotional experience,
so if anyone wants to leave,
why don't you do it now?
- James, you look nervous. Do you wanna go?
- No.
- You sure?
- llll stay.
I want you to close your eyes, first of all,
and feel all the hurt and the pain
coming up through you.
Lose those inhibitions.
Let them fly away as you feel the scream
rising through you, and then let it go.
Let it go.
Shake it away if you want to.
- Let it come out.
- (disparate wailing)
Come on, James.
(wailing increases)
(instructor) Look at Iem! (cackles)
You stupid pricks!
(opens can)
It's brilliant! Look at that!
You idiots! You stupid idiots.
I hate you so much!
Look at him!
It's brilliant.
One thing, I do have a slight problem
with the stunt double.
Really? It doesn't bother me.
What?
Only in so much as do you think
that you can tell it's another guy?
No, I don't think so.
I mean, you're aware that it's a stunt double.
- If you weren't aware of the fact that...
- Yeah, I know. Point taken.
- But let's have another look at it.
- OK.
Just whizz back a few frames.
And... freeze.
There.
Do you know what I mean? This guy's black.
And our actor's white. Martin's a white guy.
Yeah, but I think that if you take that bit out
and go for another edit now,
youlll ruin the rhythm of the scene.
That's got a great rhythm now.
It's up to you.
Yeah. No, you're absolutely right.
It's cos I know it's another guy,
I'm looking for it.
OK, let's move on.
(speaking in Japanese)
- Excuse me!
- Yes.
Can you make a photograph
of me and my wife?
- Yes, of course.
- Thank you.
This is the latest technology.
Mini-camera from Japan.
(in Japanese:)
I deal in nightmares.
And nightmares have to be awfully vivid.
You're very glad when you wake up.
(men, mumbling) Behave, behave.
Oi, hello, darling.
Hello, darling. Cor!
That's right.
Over there.
Lovely, lovely, look at that. Oi.
Anyway, I said to him, there's no way
I'm eating that without Daddy's sauce on.
- He said go fuck yourself...
- Hey! Oi. Hello, darling. Hello, darling.
Steak and kidney pie.
Hello, mate. All right, mate?
Hello, mate.
- It's a bloody disgrace.
- Standing around, doing nothing.
Hello, hello, hello.
(mumbling continues)
- You must have imagined it, Bridget.
- I tell you, Frank,
there's suddenly something rather menacing
about the working class.
You're imagining it, my darling.
Let's just stay calm, get to the car.
(man) Hello, love. All right?
Do you think they're going to hurt us?
Frank, they frighten me so,
the way they stare.
Welll be all right once we're in the car.
- Hello, love. All right?
- llll have some HP on that.
Come on, you Spurs!
(Frank) Look straight ahead.
Don't give them any money.
(man) Come on, you Spurs.
(director) This will need some music.
(editor) Yeah, I hooked out a track earlier,
actually. I think youlll like this.
(# "Animal Magic" theme)
What do you think?
I don't know.
Does it go with the mood of the piece?
OK, I've got another one.
I really like this one.
(# "Down the Dustpipe" by Status Quo)
- I think that really works.
- It's better. I'm still not convinced, though.
Right. Well...
I bet you thought of something
moodier for this scene,
but maybe you think this isn't right
because you just didn't have Status Quo
in your mind when you imagined the scene.
Do you know what I mean?
I think that works really well.
You're the governor, but...
(director) Yeah, I like it.
Let's go with it.
(editor) OK.
What a fat-handed twat!
(in French:)
Fucking potato!
(in French:)
(# funky music)
(# "Steptoe and Son" theme)
(booing)
- What were you thinking for this?
- What, music-wise?
How about "Rockin' All Over The World"?
- Studio?
- No, no, no. Live version, much better.
Yeah, no, that's great, yeah.
(# "Rocking All Over the World"
by Status Quo)
# Here we are and here we are
and here we go
# All aboard and we're hittin' the road
# Here we go
# Rockin ' all over the world
Oh, my God, my baby!
My baby's falling!
Someone help me!
My baby!
Thank you so much.
- That was amazing.
- Thank you.
You saved my baby.
Fat-handed twat!
It was really very good of you
to rescue that baby.
- And I am delighted to give you this award.
- Thank you very much, sir.
Now, I'm old now and my hands are very frail.
- Could you possibly pin this on yourself?
- All right, sir.
(Duke laughs)
(laughter increases)
You fat-handed (bleep) twat!
(thinks) Gosh, I knew he was famously
indiscreet, but I mean, really.
- Is that your card?
- It is.
Yeah, show it to the camera.
- Fantastic. Amazing.
- That's good.
- Brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Hi, guys. Can I show you something?
- (all) Yes.
- Check my thumb.
- Wow.
- Hold my thumb
- OK.
- Strong. Is that strong?
- Yeah.
Hold my thumb.
OK, now watch.
(crowd) Ugh!
(woman) Oh, my God!
Yeah, he bit his own thumb off and he ate it.
And then it was there again.
He bit it off, and then it was there again.
- (interviewer) How did he do that?
- I don't know. He swallowed it.
I saw it go down. Don't...
(crowd) Ugh!
Oh, it went up his nose!
OK? It's a Ping-Pong ball. Watch.
I felt sick.
- A Ping-Pong ball came out of his mouth.
- He's doing it again!
- Hi, Mike.
- Hi, Rob.
Nick! Good to see you back.
How was your trip?
- Great, thanks.
- Good. This is Helen.
Shelll be working with you from now on,
so a lot less work for you.
Hello, Helen. Nice to meet you.
I've got some really good news, actually.
Are you going to have an operation
to fix your crossed eyes?
No, I'm getting married.
(wind blowing)
..after the execution of Charles the...
Well, now come on.
I thought this was a mature class.
Oliver Cromwell effectively became
the most powerful man in Britain.
I thought we were going
to be responsible adults here.
That could quite easily hit me.
What was that, machine-gun fire?
- (all) Yes, sir.
- (teacher) "Yes sir."
It doesn't only display a lack of respect for
me, it shows a lack of respect for yourselves.
I mean it!
You're wasting my time
and your time.
It's a wonder nobody got really badly hurt.
Now, parliament is the centre of government.
Oh, God! Detention.
(as Capt Willard)
We travelled 200 miles upriver.
My mission was to terminate,
with extreme prejudice, Colonel Kurt.
But if the general's back in Nha Trang
could see what I saw,
would they still want me to kill him?
More than ever, probably.
I'd never seen a man so broken up,
ripped apart.
(as Col Kurtz) I have seen horror.
Horror has a face
and you must make a friend of horror.
Horror and moral terror are your friends.
If not, then they are enemies to be feared.
I remember when I was in the Special Forces.
It seems like a thousand centuries ago.
We went into a camp
to inoculate some children.
And...
do you know what we saw?
We saw men going like this.
You see that?
How am I doing it?
Beats me.
What about this?
- Have you seen Christopher and Fiona?
- Actually, they're coming tonight.
- How is Christopher?
- Oh, he's fine, much better.
Jeffrey saw him last week, said he was great.
- (doorbell rings)
- I'll go.
- The place looks lovely, Sophie.
- Thanks, Colin. We've just had it done.
(Jeffrey) Welcome, come in.
- Hello, everyone.
- (all) Hello.
Here they are.
Can I take your coat, Christopher?
Oh, no.
Well, thanks for having us.
We'd better be on our way.
- Sorry it all ended in a fight.
- That's OK, Chris.
Goodbye, you two.
Drive safely.
I thought you said he was better.
Be three days in Shropshire.
Ned Whelps will be directing,
I'll be producing and Rachel here
will be putting a budget together.
- Remind me again what this is for.
- Mini Wipes.
It's small tissues, use them in the kitchen.
It's a really basic shoot. I shouldn't
think welll run over more than 200,000.
Who's the production secretary?
Er... I hadn't really thought about that.
Do you know Sarah? She's been doing
quite a lot of work with me lately.
She's only 18, but she's very keen,
and everybody really likes her.
Rob's going to be travelling up
on Thursday with...
About the production secretary again.
Is it that important?
She'll only be answering the phone.
I think it is important.
There's E-mails to be answered,
tea to be got for people
in the production office.
I've had an idea.
What would you think if I said...
Tim Bishop?
Tim Bishop? Wow.
Haven't heard his name
mentioned for a while.
He's very, very good.
I think he went to Scotland
when his father died.
Wasn't he working with Seb Hughes
when Seb...
Disappeared? Don't hold it against him.
A lot of people disappear.
I bet he's just up in Scotland,
waiting for the phone to ring.
(doorbell rings)
- This frigging rain!
- Oh, come on, Rob. Itlll be worth it.
- Yes?
- Hello. Is Tim Bishop in?
Wait a moment.
I said wait a moment.
- It's pissing down!
- Come on, think about it.
Tim Bishop on the shoot.
- He says he'll see you now.
- Great.
Sir.
What do you want, Jameson?
You fucking bastard.
The two men I told you about, sir.
Who the fuck are you?
Tim, hi. Nick Whittleby.
This is Rob Fisher-Geebes.
I met you last year. You were the production
secretary on the Andrex commercial.
Oh, yes.
The shit puppies.
Yes. Um...
There's a campaign coming up for...
- It's Mini Wipes.
- Mini Wipes.
We were wondering if you'd like to be
production secretary. It's next week.
You'd be doing the usual stuff -
photocopying, taking E-mails,
perhaps making a cup of tea
for the people in the office.
Do you honestly think
I want to go back to that?
It's 80 quid for the weekend, Tim.
It looks like you could do
with some new furniture.
Rob, I don't think Tim
likes strangers being around.
Why don't you go and stand
in the corner for a while.
Won't be a minute.
Thanks.
Come here.
(inaudible)
Rob, Tim's had an idea.
Would you mind doing me a small favour?
Favour?
(Tim laughs)
Just do me this favour and we will have
Tim as our production secretary.
What the bloody hell is that?
(Rob screams)
Just relax, Rob.
That's right, relax. Don't be a baby.
Keep still, it'll be easier.
Don't be a baby.
Great news, Rob. Tim's on board.
Could you get me Bob Sampson's file, please?
Thank you.
Sue, have you got Bob Sampson's file?
I don't know where it is.
Oh, Rachel, a couple of E-mails.
Bobby Bush will call tomorrow and Sammy
has booked The Grey Door for 7.30 on Friday.
That's fantastic.
Tim, any chance of a cup of tea?
Sure, sure.
Milk and one sugar?
- Thanks, Tim.
- OK.
Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton
Une grande pomme de terre, monsieur?
Do you want to try one of these?
Oh, go on, then.
No, thanks.
# Big Train
# Big Train
Hello.
I love London at this time of year.
You what?
Listen, I'm getting a little bored of the party.
I wondered if you'd like to share
a cab home with me?
(mimicking) I'm getting a little bored
of the party. (babbles)
I'm sorry?
Right. Well, I see you want
to be left alone, so, good night.
Yeah, go on, then. Go on.
I was here first.
(sighs) God, why do I always do that?
I'm so lonely.
(funky music)
(# "Steptoe and Son" theme)
(booing)
- What is it, darling?
- The results from my test.
- What does it say?
- They can't find anything wrong with me.
I'm a... a... new species.
It says I'm a completely new species.
They've never come across anything like it.
How can you be a completely new species?
- They must have got the result mixed up.
- Yeah. Happens quite a lot, doesn't it?
It's my test results.
I'm afraid it's very, very bad news.
(man) Ahh!
- Look, Jemima, it's a doll. Isn't it lovely?
- Yeah!
And, darling, this is for you.
Can I open it, Dad?
You know I love opening presents.
Go on, then, Jemima.
OK, give it to me, Jemima.
- Isn't it great?
- Ooh.
It's got a tiny keyboard.
And I mean, really, really tiny.
Go on, give it a go.
Happy Christmas, you fat-handed twat.
(exhales)
We all know that coming through a traumatic
experience can be very, very difficult.
- (sobbing)
- Julie, it's OK.
It's OK.
Primal scream therapy, or PST,
can be a very emotional experience,
so if anyone wants to leave,
why don't you do it now?
- James, you look nervous. Do you wanna go?
- No.
- You sure?
- llll stay.
I want you to close your eyes, first of all,
and feel all the hurt and the pain
coming up through you.
Lose those inhibitions.
Let them fly away as you feel the scream
rising through you, and then let it go.
Let it go.
Shake it away if you want to.
- Let it come out.
- (disparate wailing)
Come on, James.
(wailing increases)
(instructor) Look at Iem! (cackles)
You stupid pricks!
(opens can)
It's brilliant! Look at that!
You idiots! You stupid idiots.
I hate you so much!
Look at him!
It's brilliant.
One thing, I do have a slight problem
with the stunt double.
Really? It doesn't bother me.
What?
Only in so much as do you think
that you can tell it's another guy?
No, I don't think so.
I mean, you're aware that it's a stunt double.
- If you weren't aware of the fact that...
- Yeah, I know. Point taken.
- But let's have another look at it.
- OK.
Just whizz back a few frames.
And... freeze.
There.
Do you know what I mean? This guy's black.
And our actor's white. Martin's a white guy.
Yeah, but I think that if you take that bit out
and go for another edit now,
youlll ruin the rhythm of the scene.
That's got a great rhythm now.
It's up to you.
Yeah. No, you're absolutely right.
It's cos I know it's another guy,
I'm looking for it.
OK, let's move on.
(speaking in Japanese)
- Excuse me!
- Yes.
Can you make a photograph
of me and my wife?
- Yes, of course.
- Thank you.
This is the latest technology.
Mini-camera from Japan.
(in Japanese:)
I deal in nightmares.
And nightmares have to be awfully vivid.
You're very glad when you wake up.
(men, mumbling) Behave, behave.
Oi, hello, darling.
Hello, darling. Cor!
That's right.
Over there.
Lovely, lovely, look at that. Oi.
Anyway, I said to him, there's no way
I'm eating that without Daddy's sauce on.
- He said go fuck yourself...
- Hey! Oi. Hello, darling. Hello, darling.
Steak and kidney pie.
Hello, mate. All right, mate?
Hello, mate.
- It's a bloody disgrace.
- Standing around, doing nothing.
Hello, hello, hello.
(mumbling continues)
- You must have imagined it, Bridget.
- I tell you, Frank,
there's suddenly something rather menacing
about the working class.
You're imagining it, my darling.
Let's just stay calm, get to the car.
(man) Hello, love. All right?
Do you think they're going to hurt us?
Frank, they frighten me so,
the way they stare.
Welll be all right once we're in the car.
- Hello, love. All right?
- llll have some HP on that.
Come on, you Spurs!
(Frank) Look straight ahead.
Don't give them any money.
(man) Come on, you Spurs.
(director) This will need some music.
(editor) Yeah, I hooked out a track earlier,
actually. I think youlll like this.
(# "Animal Magic" theme)
What do you think?
I don't know.
Does it go with the mood of the piece?
OK, I've got another one.
I really like this one.
(# "Down the Dustpipe" by Status Quo)
- I think that really works.
- It's better. I'm still not convinced, though.
Right. Well...
I bet you thought of something
moodier for this scene,
but maybe you think this isn't right
because you just didn't have Status Quo
in your mind when you imagined the scene.
Do you know what I mean?
I think that works really well.
You're the governor, but...
(director) Yeah, I like it.
Let's go with it.
(editor) OK.
What a fat-handed twat!
(in French:)
Fucking potato!
(in French:)
(# funky music)
(# "Steptoe and Son" theme)
(booing)
- What were you thinking for this?
- What, music-wise?
How about "Rockin' All Over The World"?
- Studio?
- No, no, no. Live version, much better.
Yeah, no, that's great, yeah.
(# "Rocking All Over the World"
by Status Quo)
# Here we are and here we are
and here we go
# All aboard and we're hittin' the road
# Here we go
# Rockin ' all over the world
Oh, my God, my baby!
My baby's falling!
Someone help me!
My baby!
Thank you so much.
- That was amazing.
- Thank you.
You saved my baby.
Fat-handed twat!
It was really very good of you
to rescue that baby.
- And I am delighted to give you this award.
- Thank you very much, sir.
Now, I'm old now and my hands are very frail.
- Could you possibly pin this on yourself?
- All right, sir.
(Duke laughs)
(laughter increases)
You fat-handed (bleep) twat!
(thinks) Gosh, I knew he was famously
indiscreet, but I mean, really.
- Is that your card?
- It is.
Yeah, show it to the camera.
- Fantastic. Amazing.
- That's good.
- Brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Hi, guys. Can I show you something?
- (all) Yes.
- Check my thumb.
- Wow.
- Hold my thumb
- OK.
- Strong. Is that strong?
- Yeah.
Hold my thumb.
OK, now watch.
(crowd) Ugh!
(woman) Oh, my God!
Yeah, he bit his own thumb off and he ate it.
And then it was there again.
He bit it off, and then it was there again.
- (interviewer) How did he do that?
- I don't know. He swallowed it.
I saw it go down. Don't...
(crowd) Ugh!
Oh, it went up his nose!
OK? It's a Ping-Pong ball. Watch.
I felt sick.
- A Ping-Pong ball came out of his mouth.
- He's doing it again!
- Hi, Mike.
- Hi, Rob.
Nick! Good to see you back.
How was your trip?
- Great, thanks.
- Good. This is Helen.
Shelll be working with you from now on,
so a lot less work for you.
Hello, Helen. Nice to meet you.
I've got some really good news, actually.
Are you going to have an operation
to fix your crossed eyes?
No, I'm getting married.
(wind blowing)
..after the execution of Charles the...
Well, now come on.
I thought this was a mature class.
Oliver Cromwell effectively became
the most powerful man in Britain.
I thought we were going
to be responsible adults here.
That could quite easily hit me.
What was that, machine-gun fire?
- (all) Yes, sir.
- (teacher) "Yes sir."
It doesn't only display a lack of respect for
me, it shows a lack of respect for yourselves.
I mean it!
You're wasting my time
and your time.
It's a wonder nobody got really badly hurt.
Now, parliament is the centre of government.
Oh, God! Detention.
(as Capt Willard)
We travelled 200 miles upriver.
My mission was to terminate,
with extreme prejudice, Colonel Kurt.
But if the general's back in Nha Trang
could see what I saw,
would they still want me to kill him?
More than ever, probably.
I'd never seen a man so broken up,
ripped apart.
(as Col Kurtz) I have seen horror.
Horror has a face
and you must make a friend of horror.
Horror and moral terror are your friends.
If not, then they are enemies to be feared.
I remember when I was in the Special Forces.
It seems like a thousand centuries ago.
We went into a camp
to inoculate some children.
And...
do you know what we saw?
We saw men going like this.
You see that?
How am I doing it?
Beats me.
What about this?
- Have you seen Christopher and Fiona?
- Actually, they're coming tonight.
- How is Christopher?
- Oh, he's fine, much better.
Jeffrey saw him last week, said he was great.
- (doorbell rings)
- I'll go.
- The place looks lovely, Sophie.
- Thanks, Colin. We've just had it done.
(Jeffrey) Welcome, come in.
- Hello, everyone.
- (all) Hello.
Here they are.
Can I take your coat, Christopher?
Oh, no.
Well, thanks for having us.
We'd better be on our way.
- Sorry it all ended in a fight.
- That's OK, Chris.
Goodbye, you two.
Drive safely.
I thought you said he was better.
Be three days in Shropshire.
Ned Whelps will be directing,
I'll be producing and Rachel here
will be putting a budget together.
- Remind me again what this is for.
- Mini Wipes.
It's small tissues, use them in the kitchen.
It's a really basic shoot. I shouldn't
think welll run over more than 200,000.
Who's the production secretary?
Er... I hadn't really thought about that.
Do you know Sarah? She's been doing
quite a lot of work with me lately.
She's only 18, but she's very keen,
and everybody really likes her.
Rob's going to be travelling up
on Thursday with...
About the production secretary again.
Is it that important?
She'll only be answering the phone.
I think it is important.
There's E-mails to be answered,
tea to be got for people
in the production office.
I've had an idea.
What would you think if I said...
Tim Bishop?
Tim Bishop? Wow.
Haven't heard his name
mentioned for a while.
He's very, very good.
I think he went to Scotland
when his father died.
Wasn't he working with Seb Hughes
when Seb...
Disappeared? Don't hold it against him.
A lot of people disappear.
I bet he's just up in Scotland,
waiting for the phone to ring.
(doorbell rings)
- This frigging rain!
- Oh, come on, Rob. Itlll be worth it.
- Yes?
- Hello. Is Tim Bishop in?
Wait a moment.
I said wait a moment.
- It's pissing down!
- Come on, think about it.
Tim Bishop on the shoot.
- He says he'll see you now.
- Great.
Sir.
What do you want, Jameson?
You fucking bastard.
The two men I told you about, sir.
Who the fuck are you?
Tim, hi. Nick Whittleby.
This is Rob Fisher-Geebes.
I met you last year. You were the production
secretary on the Andrex commercial.
Oh, yes.
The shit puppies.
Yes. Um...
There's a campaign coming up for...
- It's Mini Wipes.
- Mini Wipes.
We were wondering if you'd like to be
production secretary. It's next week.
You'd be doing the usual stuff -
photocopying, taking E-mails,
perhaps making a cup of tea
for the people in the office.
Do you honestly think
I want to go back to that?
It's 80 quid for the weekend, Tim.
It looks like you could do
with some new furniture.
Rob, I don't think Tim
likes strangers being around.
Why don't you go and stand
in the corner for a while.
Won't be a minute.
Thanks.
Come here.
(inaudible)
Rob, Tim's had an idea.
Would you mind doing me a small favour?
Favour?
(Tim laughs)
Just do me this favour and we will have
Tim as our production secretary.
What the bloody hell is that?
(Rob screams)
Just relax, Rob.
That's right, relax. Don't be a baby.
Keep still, it'll be easier.
Don't be a baby.
Great news, Rob. Tim's on board.
Could you get me Bob Sampson's file, please?
Thank you.
Sue, have you got Bob Sampson's file?
I don't know where it is.
Oh, Rachel, a couple of E-mails.
Bobby Bush will call tomorrow and Sammy
has booked The Grey Door for 7.30 on Friday.
That's fantastic.
Tim, any chance of a cup of tea?
Sure, sure.
Milk and one sugar?
- Thanks, Tim.
- OK.
Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton
Une grande pomme de terre, monsieur?