Big School (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

So, Mr Barber, we've
had a complaint from Miss, um...

I think you know my name by now.
I have been here over a year.

No, I don't think I do.

Well, why not just
call me anything you like?

Hm? Er... why not call me
Miss Chakrabarti?

Right, so, Miss Chakrabarti...

~ Postern. ~ Well, why did you say
your name was Chakrabarti? ~ Look,

it doesn't really matter
right now, does it?

Anyway, this woman here, whatever her
name is -

Postern, Chakrabarti,
we'll never know -

has been telling tales on you.



That's not actually true, Gareth.
I was concerned about your welfare.

So concerned, she dropped you in it.

~ What am I supposed to have done
now? ~ Just...

be honest, please, Gareth.

~ Have you been sleeping in my
classroom? ~ Like a dirty vagrant.

Miss Chakrabarti's words, not mine.

No! No, no. I promise you,
I'm back on my feet now.

I've just got the caravan
back from the bailiffs.

Well, then, why did I find this
on top of my store cupboard?

~ How do you know it's mine?
~ Because it says, "Mr Barber's box".

That doesn't mean I've been bedding
down there the last fortnight.

Toothbrush.

Underpants.

~ Triple-extra-extra-large.
~ Oh, God, no!



Camping stove.

What would I do with that?

~ Tin of all-day breakfast in a can.
~ Oh, rumbled.

Packet of wet wipes.

As though I'd use those
instead of having a bath. Ha!

And finally, a specialist magazine
entitled Hot Mature Babes.

I only read that for the articles.

There aren't any,
I had a flick through.

Do they accept readers' photographs?

Yeah, that's the best bit.

Do they blur the faces, or...

Sorry to break this up.

We're becoming distracted
from the issue at hand.

So, Mr Barber,

there will be no more sleeping on
school property. Is that understood?

Yes, Headmistress, of course.

~ 100 per cent. ~ Excellent.

Does that include the cleaning
cupboard?

Yes.

~ Boiler room? ~ Absolutely anywhere
on school property.

Got it.

Shed?

Oh! Last to leave again, am I?

Aye, I've just got to lock up
and head home myself.

I'm not bedding down in the school,

no matter what that Miss Chakrabarti
says.

Oh!

Not sure I've met her.
Well, good night, caretaker.

Good night, Keith.
See you in the morning.

By which time I'll have definitely
gone home and come back again, so...

Oh.

Bugger!

I had to have a word
with the Head yesterday.

I mean, he was actually
sleeping in my classroom.

Sad, innit? Kipping in the school.

Explains why your room stank.

Didn't stink. Might have been
a slight stale odour.

Yeah, but think of all the guffs
he was letting off in the night.

I'd rather not. I'm just glad
I've nipped it in the bud.

Oh, my God!

Bloody hell.

Morning.

Oh, no. There's been a fire.

And so I will be dismissing
Mr Barber with immediate effect.

Oh, no. No, no. I feel so bad about
this.

Please, please, don't sack him.

Says the one who grassed him up.

Look, the important thing to
remember here

is not who did
or didn't grass him up,

and nobody did,
so let's stop using the G-word.

The important thing is
that we have a colleague...

The teachers are colleagues.
He's support staff.

..and a friend... OK, someone
that we know very well...

~ I don't know him well.
~ .. who we've met...

~ Mm.
~ .. who desperately needs our help.

Otherwise he will end up
begging on the streets.

I read in the Daily Mail
that some of these beggars make

over a quarter of a million pounds
a year.

Look, all Gareth needs
is a place to sleep.

I mean, if he had somewhere to live,
you wouldn't sack him, would you?

No, I wouldn't, Miss Chakrabarti.

~ Her name's not... ~ No...

So, I'm sure you'd love to be
the one who puts him up.

Er... well...

well, yeah, I'm glad
you've brought that up,

Ms Baron. Yes, I would love
to put Gareth up.

~ That's settled, then. ~ But...

~ Here we go.
~ .. I only have the one spare room.

~ And? ~ And it only has a sofa bed.

And that's not a long-term solution,
is it?

He needs a bed,
a bed that stays a bed.

What a kind-hearted woman you are.
Anybody else, before I sack him?

~ Mr Church? ~ Oh.

Like Sarah, I'd love to, but, um...

~ Here we go again.
~ .. I only have the one large towel.

It wouldn't be fair on Gareth
to expect him to use a damp towel.

Could you not buy another towel?

Well, then I'd need a bigger towel
rack, and so on,

and so on and so on and so forth.

It would quickly descend into chaos.

Well, there we have it.

Mr Barber will be out of a job
and sleeping on the streets.

~ All right. ~ Oh, Trevor,
can't you put Gareth up?

No, no, no way.

But you're always telling me
how big and comfy your bed is.

Oh, is he?

Mm. You said it could fit you,
me and Pippa Middleton.

Yeah, I'd love to. I mean,
them posh birds, they're filth.

OK. So, you could easily fit Gareth
in.

Problem solved.
Thank you, Mr Gunn.

Eh?

Oi!

Oh, bollocks!

Hello.

Oh! Hello. Ha-ha.

Thanks for letting me
share your classroom.

~ We're finally moving in together.
~ Yes, but just into a classroom.

~ Yes. ~ It's only for a couple of
weeks. ~ Maybe longer!

No, because by then my own classroom
will have been redecorated.

With any luck, it might burn down
again!

That was misjudged.

It's too soon
to joke about the inferno.

I realise that now.
So, did you manage to...

~ salvage much from the fire?
~ The inferno.

~ The inferno. ~ No.

My cheese map of France
got very badly singed.

I'm sorry to hear that.

My papier-mache Arc de Triomphe
is a mass of twisted chicken wire.

Dare I ask what happened
to your novelty rubber baguette?

It's a sticky beige pool on the
floor.

Oh, I'm...

~ I'm sorry for your loss. ~ Thank you.

~ What... what are you doing?
~ I'm comforting you.

Right, well,
I'm not feeling very comforted.

~ Should I stop? ~ Yeah.

Well, stay right there.
I've got a welcome gift for you.

~ Une bottle de vin! ~ Ooh.

Merci, monsieur!

Oh, it's just a small one.

Well, I... I know you live alone,

so a full-sized bottle
would be too much for one sitting.

Well, I could have asked
one of my toy boys round.

~ You don't have a toy boy, do you?
~ No, it was a joke.

I'll laugh about it later.
Don't forget the card.

I won't. So, where can I put all my
kit?

Oh, Jo will find a place for it. Jo?

Hello, Jo.

Say hello, Jo!

Hm. Sarah's moving in with us.
That's super news, isn't it?

Would you find a place
for, er... Sarah's things, please?

Ha...

Oh, God.

This is my bedroom...

..or, as I call it,

~ Shag Central.
~ Well, it's very kind of you

to put your rutting on hold for me.

It's all right.
It's the birds I feel sorry for.

Right, then, a guided tour.
Got my own beer fridge. Oosh!

~ Help yourself. ~ Oh, thanks.

~ It's ten pound a can. ~ Oh.

I'll just pop down the offy

and get myself a jumbo bottle of
cider, then.

Hey... you've got some smashing toys.

No, they're not toys.
They're collectable miniatures.

Yeah, if you say so.

Don't touch 'em!

Mm.

Huh! Ah!

Oh!

Forgot what a mattress feels like.

Well, we're going to have to
sort of top-and-tail.

So, if you put your head that end
and your feet that end.

Yeah, all right.

~ Yeah, OK, and I'll go this end. ~ Yep.

Ah!

Oh!

~ No.
~ Here we go, boys.

~ What are you doing? ~ Nothing.

There, that should keep you going.

Oh, thanks.

~ Mm! Smashing glass of milk, Mrs G.
~ Oh. That's kind. Thank you.

Oh! Have one of my

~ special Krispie cakes.
~ Don't mind if I do.

Mm!

~ You like it? ~ Delicious. Could be

part of the Tesco's Finest range.

I'm so pleased. Trevor never says
anything nice about my cooking.

~ Yeah, I do. ~ You don't.

And it's so lovely you're staying
with us.

You know, Trevor never introduces me
to any of his friends.

~ I wouldn't say we're...
~ I have to say that this boy

has been like a rock. Probably
the best friend I've ever had.

~ What a lovely thing to say.
~ Jesus, you stink!

I've a bone to pick with you,
Trevor.

You never told me you have
such a beautiful mother.

Oh! Oh! Oh, Gareth.

Haven't you got any washing-up
to be getting on with?

All right. I get the message.

Tell you what. You wash, I'll dry.

Oh! Well, you can come again!

Hey, let me take that. Come on.

Ladies first.

Gareth?

If you come back in again, knock.

That means
he'll be touching himself.

Ah! Bonjour, Monsieur Church!

What have you done to my classroom?

Our classroom, remember?

Don't you like it?

Look at my periodic table.

You've completely obscured
the transition metals.

I'm sorry, this is going to
have to come down.

~ Don't you touch that! ~ What?

That stays exactly where it is.
How else are the kids

supposed to know the French for
a ham and cheese toasted sandwich?

Well, very easily,

because it's even called
a croque monsieur in Wetherspoon's.

Is it? Hmm.

Oh! Oh, look, now I'm in the way
of the periodic table.

Well, perhaps I should
just go too, should I?

Come on. Come on, Sarah.
Out you go! Come on.

Come on! You're obscuring
some boring old metals!

There is nothing boring
about transition metals.

They have the highest density
of all the metals.

~ Boring!
~ And if you'll excuse me, Sarah,

I have a chemistry lesson to teach.

Because, lest we forget,
this is a chemistry classroom.

Fine. Well, I know where I'm not
wanted.

Oh, and you should know
that your lab technician's

been extremely hostile towards me.

Oh, for God's sake, Sarah,
don't drag Jo into this.

It's been a very confusing time for
her. And I happen to know

she's grown very fond of you.
Haven't you, Jo?

In fairness, she has been
very phlegmy.

'After four weeks of heats,
this is the MasterChef semifinals.'

There you go, Mrs G.

Oh!

~ Thank you, Gareth. ~ No, thank
you for a cracking dinner.

Those Findus Crispy Pancakes
were cooked to perfection.

See? I am a good cook.

What d'you mean? You take 'em out
the freezer and put 'em in the oven.

~ Top Gear Theme
~ Trevor!

~ I was watching that.
~ I want to watch Top Gear.

~ Look, put MasterChef back on.
~ Top Gear's just starting!

Do what your mother says, eh?

'Freelance chef Ash
has cooked a fillet of beef

'with potato and jamon serrano...'

You'd be wonderful
on this programme, Mrs G.

Really? I don't know about that.

Well, if that Angel Delight's
anything to go by, you'd walk it.

'Beautiful
flavours, beautiful-tasting food.'

I hate MasterChef. It's boring.

Some bald bloke and his
boyfriend eating asparagus.

You are obviously not enjoying it,

so why don't you just go to your
room?

All right, then, I will. Come on,
Gareth!

We're going to my room.

No, you go on.
I'll stay and keep your mum company.

'.. non-sportsman-like, but
I don't think that's quite, um...

'I think it's a bit too much.
It's... it's taking on

'as you are now looking at the
kitchen

'of a place of exploration and fun,

'where too many people look on it
as a place full of chores.

'Exactly.

'So the difference in the approach
is enormous

'and that difference is
what gets people into...'

Ooh, you smell nice!

'This is rich with chocolate.
Shall I...'

~ 'Yeah. ~ Oh, hang on. Oh, wait.'

~ Oh. ~ Uh.

~ Oh! Oh! ~ Oh! Oh!

Ooh.

~ Ooh. Oh! ~ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

~ Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! ~ Ooh! Uh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

~ Ooh! ~ Oh!

Oh! Did my back in last night.

Right, get out.

~ What have I done?
~ You know exactly what you've done.

And you ain't just done it
the once, have you?

I mean, you've done it again
..and again...

..and again. So, get out.

I can't walk all the way to school.

I barely made it down the stairs
this morning.

~ Out! ~ Ah.

~ This is about me and your mum,
innit? ~ Don't.

Seriously, just...

..don't.

All right.

Oh.

Your mum asked if you could pick up

a large tub of margarine
on the way home.

We got through a lot of it
last night.

Thanks for helping me, Jo.

I know we didn't get off
to the best start, but, um...
this is fun, isn't it?

We should spend some more time
together outside school.

What do you think? Go out one day?

Hm? Just us girls?
Do a bit of shopping?

Or as I call it... retail therapy.

That's funny, isn't it, Jo?
Retail therapy.

Oh! We could get mani-pedis.

You could get your toes waxed.

Or I could do you a make-over. Hm?

I've done it lots of times
for friends.

And, um... well,
I don't want to exaggerate,

but just by picking
the right lip gloss,
I've transformed women's lives.

I mean, you know,
I can't promise you this.

But have a think. Yeah?

Yeah?

Do we have a yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah...

Morning.

Morning, Keith.

Oh! Ha. Nice to see my girls
getting on.

Mm. Jo's been helping me with
my "chaussures pour femme" poster.

~ Really? ~ Yeah.

We've been having a right
old girly chat.

So, that's why my conical flasks
are unwashed, is it?

Yes, I said she could
do those later.

Jo, will you excuse us one moment,
please?

Jo is my lab technician.
She is not your lab technician.

French teachers
do not have lab technicians.

Oh, sorry! My bad. I thought we were
sharing everything.

We are sharing a classroom.
That is all.

Sorry, Jo, we haven't
quite finished.

Oh, yes, we have finished, Jo.
I'm leaving.

~ Where are you going? ~ Well,

you obviously don't care
about my burned-out classroom,

so from now on,
I'll teach my lessons in the toilet!

Mr Church, why would you force
a colleague to teach her classes
in a lavatory?

A better question
would be to ask Miss Postern

why my conical flasks
were left unwashed.

Because... Jo was hel.. ping... me...

cut... out... pictures...

of... shoes. OK?

But Jo... was... meant

to... be... rins... ing

my... con... ical... flasks.

~ OK? ~ Oh, God!

Here we go again.

Why don't the two of you just go off
and have some angry sex?

Well, I was thinking
I could just change classrooms.

Hm. We should consider
all the options.

Except that one.

And having shared with you,

~ I can see why you live alone.
~ I can see why you live alone.

I don't live alone. I live with

~ Jules et Jim. ~ They're cats.

Yes, I know they're cats, Keith,
and they're a lot better company
than you are.

Well, I can see why you enjoy
their company so much,

because they don't answer back.

So, you can just drone on
and on and on and on!

Oh, listen to you droning on
and on and on and on!

~ You've no idea, Headmistress!
~ She comes into my classroom...

~ He is unbelievably selfish! ~ .. puts
up a poster of shoes... ~ Shut up!

You are both as bad as each other.

Mr Church, go back
to your chemistry lab.

Miss Chakrabarti,
go back to your classroom.

But it's still being re...

Talk to the hand,
cos the face ain't listening.

All right?

Hello.

How's it going with Sarah?

Yes. Fine, thank you.

How's it going with Gareth?

Couldn't be better.

Good.

Oh, God, she's coming over.
Hello, Sarah!

~ All right, babes?
~ I'm fine, thank you, Trevor.

♪ I'm walking on sunshine

♪ Woh-hoh! I'm walking on sunshine

~ ♪ Woh-hoh! And don't it feel good! ~ ♪

Have you been sniffing
the creosote again?

No, no. Those days are behind me.
I'm on a natural high.

Oh, good for you, Gareth, because
you are normally someone who -

forgive me -
sucks the life out of the room.

Ah! That was the old Gareth.
This is the new Gareth.

He's got his mojo back.

Well, that was all sudden.

Yes, what exactly happened
overnight that led...

Don't.

Seriously, don't.

Yeah, but I...

Don't.

Don't worry, Trevor. I'm not going
to go into all the ins and outs

of what I got up
to with your mother.

That's my mum you're talking about.

She only ever done it once,
and that was to have me.

No, no, no, I...
I don't think so, lad.

Your mum knows more tricks
than Paul Daniels!

Oh.

~ Oh. ~ Oh.

~ Ooh. ~ Ooh-ooh-ooh.

~ Eee! ~ Mm-mm-mm!

~ Oh! ~ Mm. Mm!

~ Oh! ~ Ooh!

~ Ooh-ooh. ~ Ooh. Ooh.

~ Ooh! ~ Ooh, yes!

Ooh!

No!

~ Really? ~ Yeah.

~ How stupid! ~ I know.

Look what you've done
to my Ferrari Testarostarosa.

Don't worry. After school
we can pop by Toys R Us
and pick you up a new one.

It is not a toy.
It is a collectors' item.

Please, Trevor, sit down.

Rita, do you want me to tell him,

~ or... ~ No, no. Let me, Gareth.

Tell me what?

You know...
how much I love you, Trevor...

..but...

What?

Well, um...

me and Gareth have been...

..talking,

and we both think it's...

best for you...

if you start looking
for a place of your own.

~ What?
~ All we want is for you to be happy.

~ I was happy till he came along!
~ That's very rude, Trevor!

Rude? I tell you what's rude,
and that's giving your bed

to somebody for the night, and then
they go, "Thank you very much.

~ "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to
go and hop on your mum." ~ Oh!

Don't talk like that
in front of your mother.

And anyway, it's more a case

~ of your mum hopping on me. ~ Oh!

She rode me like it was
the Grand National.

Right, that's it, I'm done.

You do what you want.

But I'm moving out and don't try
and stop me because you can't.

I said don't try and stop me.

Right.

Oh!

Hey.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Do you want to get
a quick one in before work?

Yeah.

I'm back on track.

~ The voices in my head have gone.
~ That's reassuring.

I've got a roof over my head, I'm
not drinking from puddles any more,

and, best of all,
I'm getting regular sex.

Now that you've put that horrendous
image in my mind, what do you want?

~ I want to be a teacher again.
~ Oh, God!

Here's your cup of... tea, Ms Baron.

Please, Headmistress.

Geography is my passion,
and I was born to teach it.

I want to share my love of crop
rotation and coastal erosion.

Are you all right, Gareth?
You sound quite mental again.

Please, Ms Baron. It's my passion.

My passion.

Well, what happens when the children
start chanting, "Baa, baa, baa!"

"Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa!"

They'd have forgotten
all about that. Come on.

Give this geography teacher
a chance to sing again, eh?

On a caretaker's salary?

~ I'd do it for nothing. ~ It's a deal.

You are a beautiful woman.

~ Don't touch. ~ Of course.

Daphne, show Mr Barber out.

~ Out where? ~ Out the door.

~ Oh. ~ I won't let you down.

And I promise you this -

no more fires.

If it's not too much to ask.

~ Are you all right, Miss? ~ Hm?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that, um... well, someone's
written a poem especially for me.

Is it Mr Church?

Is it that obvious that he likes me?

Yeah, and he's written
his name at the bottom.

Oh, right. Yeah.

"At Greybridge School
you're a ray of light

"Beautiful, kind, witty
and bright..."

Well, he's certainly got me down
to a T.

"You're an asset
to the department of French

"And as welcoming as a lovely bench."

Oh.

I don't really get the bit
about the bench.

Well, he's just trying to find
something to rhyme with French.

And why does he say "department of
French" and not "French department"?

All right, you're being
a bit of a killjoy now, Nicholas.

~ Sorry, Miss. ~ No, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little bit all over the
place with everything at the moment.

~ Maybe you shouldn't
drink at school. ~ Right.

I didn't actually drink anything,
though, did I?

Because I spat it back
into the bottle.

Look, I really like Mr Church.

I mean, his heart's
in the right place.

But it's just sometimes
he can be really annoying.

Yeah.

But then so can you,
so it could work.

See you.

Bye.

Barber's back.

Baa! Baa! Baa!

Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa!

Oh, bugger!

Hello.

I read your poem.

Oh.

~ Did you like it?
~ I give it an A-star.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I did struggle to find anything
to rhyme with French.

I barely noticed.

Keith, no-one's ever
written me a poem before.

That surprises me.

I'd have thought
a woman as - dare I say it -

beautiful as you

would have had between five and ten
poems written about her.

Or more, but no.

~ May I offer you a lift?
~ I thought you'd never ask.

Let me...

Oh.

Are you all right?

Yes. Yes, I'm fine.

~ Have you been drinking? ~ No, I just
rinsed my mouth with wine.

Oh.

So...

where would you like to go?

Let's be spontaneous.

Just drive and let's go
where the open road takes us.

~ Bella Italia? ~ Mm. That sounds good.

♪ When I think about the days
there is something of a haze about it

♪ When we said we'd never change

♪ Well, we never stopped
to think about it

♪ No, we're not the same

♪ But let's not break the chain

♪ We should play
this game together. ♪