Big School (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
MISS POSTERN: Bullying.
Bullying.
Bully-ing. Not a word
we want to hear at this school.
Stop saying it, then.
We have a new boy at Greybridge
who had to leave his last school,
because of a problem with bullying.
I'm not going to mention any names.
All I'm going to say is,
this boy happens to be disabled.
I wonder who it is, Miss.
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
I said, "Mentioning no names", Dean.
So, I would like you all
to stand up and...
Not you, Dean.
And shout out,
"Stand up to bullies!"
STUDENTS: Stand up to bullies.
I can't hear you!
It was quite loud enough,
thank you, Miss, um...
Postern. Tsk!
It's kind of bullying, pretending
not to know someone's name.
Oh, shut up.
Now, this week marks
quite an anniversary.
Our beloved Head of Science,
Mr Hubble,
is celebrating an incredible
40 years at Greybridge.
To commemorate this huge milestone,
we'd like to present you
with this Parker pen.
Mr Hubble?
Would you like to say a few words?
Oi, Gandalf, you're on.
AUDIENCE CLAPPING
Oh, thank you. Ha-ha. Thank you.
May I just add my hearty
congratulations to Mr Hubble,
a true friend
and a wonderful colleague
with an unrivalled collection
of Victorian erotica.
GUNN LAUGHS
I will make sure that he gets this
with all our thanks.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪
OTHERS JOIN IN:
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow!
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow!
♪ And so say all of us. ♪
Thank you, Mr Hubble, thank you.
AUDIENCE CLAPPING
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
You can all go now.
LOW CHATTER
Au revoir, la classe.
It means, "Goodbye, class".
LOW CHATTER
Dean, can I have a quick word
with you?
What is it? Are you, er...
stopping me for speeding?
Hm? Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
Oh! Oh, that is...that is wonderful.
It's wonderful, the way you can just
laugh at your...at your...this.
So, how is your first day
at Greybridge?
Magical. It's like, er...Hogwarts.
~ Seriously, though.
Are you being bullied? ~ Nope.
~ Sure?
~ Yeah.
~ Positive?
~ Yep.
~ A little bit?
~ No.
Tiny bit?
~ Should I have been bullied?
~ No! No, no.
I mean, look, all kinds of kids
get bullied at school. I mean...
it's difficult to believe, I know,
but even I was bullied
when I was at school.
Yeah, I can believe that.
Well, it's quite difficult
to believe, isn't it?
Not really. You are a ginger.
They didn't bully me for that.
~ Was it your cankles?
~ I don't actually have cankles.
There is a clear distinction
between my ankles and my calves.
But this isn't about me.
Ah, I've got it.
Was it cos you cut your own fringe?
I actually get my hair cut at
Toni & Guy, so you're wrong
and you are late
for your next lesson.
And I was bullied for being
too beautiful.
You're right, it is hard to believe.
I just had a query about...
~ COFFEE MAKER GRINDING
~ ..Mr Hubble's present fund.
COFFEE MAKER STOPS
I'm sorry. What was that?
I had a query about
Mr Hubble's present fund.
Please take your hands off my chairs.
~ What about it?
~ Well, I collected £162.50.
Mm! Wonderful coffee.
And I just called Ryman's,
and that particular Parker pen
retails at £9.99.
The engraving was very expensive.
It just says Parker on it.
Where is this going, Mr Church?
Well, just that by
my rough calculation,
that leaves £152.51...
COFFEE MAKER GRINDING
...unaccounted for.
Roughly the price of
an espresso machine!
MACHINE STOPS
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch a word of that.
~ Will that be all?
~ No.
There was just one...ha!
Tiny thing.
Go on.
Well, I just wondered if this
extraordinary 40 years at the school
marked a good time for...
Well, for Mr Hubble to...
Well... Ha-ha-ha!
To...
~ Spit it out, man.
~ Hang up his lab coat for good.
Mr Church, for the last time,
I'm not making you Head of Science.
~ But he's not with it any more.
~ Mr Hubble is perfectly capable.
Yesterday, I found him in the
chemistry storeroom eating a sponge.
Goodbye, Mr Church.
COFFEE MAKER ON
He put pate on it,
but it was still a sponge!
COFFEE MAKER ON
COFFEE MAKER STOPS
Don't mind me, Mr Hubble.
I'll just tidy around you.
CHAIRS BANG
MR BARBER: Lovely pen,
that, the Parker.
I had a super collection of Bics,
every colour of the rainbow.
The ex-wife's got them now.
Anyway, I do enjoy our little chats.
See you on Monday.
You have a nice weekend now.
CHAIRS BANG
MS BARON: This will not be tolerated.
If I had my way,
anyone failing to return a library
book on time would be Tasered.
These books are the property
of the school...
Psst! Churchy.
~ He nodded off again. ~ ..and you should
all consider yourselves lucky...
Mr Hubble? Mr Hubble?
He's cold.
Blimey, he's snuffed it.
He must have been here all weekend.
~ I'll get up and say something.
Maybe we'll get the day off.
~ No, no, no, no.
The children mustn't know.
They'll be traumatised.
Mr Church, do you have something
to share with the rest of us?
Oh...ha!
No, no, no, no, Headmistress.
Er...just enjoying a joke with
Mr Hubble. Ha! Keep it down, you!
Don't push him on me.
It's chemistry. It's your department.
In the county tournament
at the weekend,
our Year-10 football team
scored a goal.
Unfortunately, they let in nine.
I suppose we ought to give them
a round of applause.
APPLAUSE
Make him clap.
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Right, you can go.
Catch you later, Churchy.
Wait! We can't just leave him here.
Mr Hubble?
I can't make Science Fun Club today.
Oh, he will be disappointed.
Is he OK, sir?
Yes, yes, he's fine. Ha!
You're OK, aren't you?
~ Do the voice.
~ I can't.
~ Do the voice.
~ MIMICS HUBBLE: Yes, yes.
I'm fine, thank you.
~ He's not Scottish.
~ I panicked.
Yes, well, run along now, Nisha.
Ha-ha-ha!
HIGH-PITCHED: Goodbye, Nisha.
HE CLEARS THROAT
Consistency.
MS BARON: Do you know
what I used to do to bullies?
I would smack them and then
take away their lunch money.
Sadly, one can't do that any more.
I rushed straight here,
Headmistress.
Nicholas, I thought better of you.
What have I been saying
in assembly about bullying?
~ He's... ~ No, I don't want
to hear your excuses.
Just because Dean is...
~ Short-sighted?
~ No. Just because Dean is...
~ Wheat-intolerant?
~ No.
Just because Dean is...
~ A quarter Belgian?
~ No. Just because Dean is...
Oh, do be quiet, woman.
It's Dean that's the bully.
Dean?
Well, what have you been doing?
Just Tipp-Ex'd
a pair of gloves on his hands.
~ Why?
~ It looked cold outside.
Well, I hope it wasn't school
Tipp-Ex. We're on an economy drive.
Well, I just don't understand.
This is appalling behaviour.
Well, what do you expect
from this boy?
I told you he had to leave his
last school because of bullying.
Yes, but I thought he was
the one being bullied.
~ Duh!
~ Nicholas, you can leave now.
~ What am I supposed to do about
this? ~ Well, don't worry about it.
It'll flake off in a week or so.
~ Thanks.
~ And don't touch the door handle.
DOOR CREAKS
Well, I am shocked.
Now, please,
whatever you do, don't sit down.
Expelled for bullying?
How many times
do you need to be told?
Mm, about four or five.
Well, perhaps I should
expel you from Greybridge?
~ Not arsed.
~ No.
No, look, please don't expel Dean.
You know how good
I am with problem kids.
I can turn him around. I just need
a little bit of one-to-one time.
Well, that sounds like
punishment enough.
You can both leave now.
Come on, buddy. Let's you and me
go and have a good old chat.
Is it too late for you
to just expel me, or...?
Where are we taking him?
~ Lost property cupboard. ~ No.
No, no, no. No, there's no room.
I've got my home-brew kit in there.
CHURCH SIGHS
Here, quick, quick, quick. Bend it!
~ He shouldn't be in here.
~ Don't worry. It's empty.
DOOR CREAKS
Ah. Hello, Jo.
Ha. You'll be, er...needing this.
Might want to, er...
lock the door next time.
Hm?
DOOR CREAKS
~ Right. Quick, quick, quick.
~ It's horrible.
Quickly.
MR GUNN GRUNTS
~ THUMP
~ Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hubble.
It's not like he can hear you.
~ All right?
~ Oh. Huh. Hello, caretaker.
Still asleep, is he?
I hate to break this to you, but
I have some rather upsetting news.
~ He's...
~ He's dead.
Oh. Oh, no.
He was so young.
Mind you, I did think it was odd,
because he'd been asleep
in the assembly hall since Friday
and that's, what, 48 hours.
No, that would be two days.
Three days is 74 hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's more like 88.
It's 24 times three, which is...
Right, look, half of 24 is 12.
One 12 is 12. Two 12s are...
~ It's quicker if I use a calculator.
~ I was nearly there.
~ 72.
~ Right, so you're wrong, Churchy.
~ Well, what did you say?
~ 88.
~ And you?
~ 48.
~ Well, I was the closest.
~ Still wrong, though.
Yeah, but least wrong or most right.
So, Mr Hubble has been dead
for 72 hours.
Still, at least he put
a lovely shine on the floor.
We gave him that pen.
That's a Parker pen, that is.
That is the king of pens.
That's a £10 pen. That's a nice pen.
Will you show some respect?
Yes, both of you.
~ So, what are you going to do with
him? ~ We're not sure.
We don't want to frighten the
kiddies, you see.
Caretaker to the rescue.
I got just the place.
~ There we go. ~ Is it all right
to put him in there?
Yes, the binmen are coming tomorrow.
You can't leave him out for the
binmen. We've got to call a doctor.
There's not much hope for him now,
is there?
No, you imbecile. A doctor
has got to pronounce him dead.
Well, I can do that. Well, he's dead.
Shall I call an ambulance? I forget
the number. It's 99 something.
No. If the children
see an ambulance,
it'll all become a circus.
Well, why don't I just get him
to the doctors?
Well, how you going to do that?
Easy, I'll use the company car.
So, thank you so much
for helping us with this, Luke.
No diggity.
This is something you call
rap therapy?
Yeah, rapathy.
~ God help us.
~ It's a way of channelling anger.
Life sucks,
and sometimes you just want to,
um-mm-mmm...
~ All right?
~ ..mm-mm-mm... Yep, thanks.
This one time, my sister Helen,
we had an argument, a biggy,
and she flushed one of my
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
down the toilet,
and I was so angry, I just got
in the car and I just drove,
and I thought about all the ways
that I could get rid of this anger.
Kick her in the knee.
Burn all her clothes. Yank her hair
out until she was bald...
Well, we don't need the whole list.
OK, but instead of doing any
of that, I just started rapping.
Rapathy. Rap-a-thy.
Rapathy. Rap-athy.
~ Shall we just get on with it?
~ Yeah.
So, er...we're just going to do
some freestyling.
I'll start us off, then you,
then Deano.
~ This guy.
~ Big D.
~ This fella. There he is.
~ Double D.
~ Snoop Doggy D.
~ Whoa!
It's just Dean.
MUSIC PLAYS
♪ I'm Deano
♪ When I get angry, I get real mad
♪ It makes me feel
like I'll do something bad
♪ But just before I'm about to snap
♪ I get on the mic
and I do a big rap
♪ Hey! Baron make me angry
make me scream and shout
♪ She forgets my name
What's that all about?
♪ But instead of punching her
repeatedly in the face
♪ I pick up my mic
and I rap all over the place!
~ ♪ Whoa!
~ ♪ I'm rapping!
~ ♪ Whoa!
~ ♪ Oh, yeah!
~ ♪ Oh!
~ ♪ I'm rapping. ♪
MUSIC PLAYING
Can I be honest?
Yeah, rap your truth, brother.
Your rapping is making me
want to hit somebody.
MUSIC PLAYING
MUSIC STOPS
LOW CHATTER
Dead?
It's three days, which is 72 hours.
Mm, he was stiff as a board,
but still clutching that cheap pen.
It was a £160 pen.
So you keep saying.
Enjoying your espresso?
This thing here makes frothy milk,
so I'm actually having a cappuccino.
~ Oh, how wonderful for you!
~ I was very close to him.
~ No, you weren't.
~ Yes, I was.
Which is why I'm going to need
the rest of the week off,
to get over his untimely passing.
If you were so close to Mr Hubble,
what was his first name?
Dave.
Pete.
Bazzer.
All right, Baz.
Mohammed. No.
~ It was John. ~ Well, I said
that already, didn't I?
It was very sad for John Hubble.
That was his name, John, and do you
know the worst part, Headmistress?
~ What? ~ The school no longer
has a Head of Science.
Oh, that didn't take you long,
did it? And his body's not even...
Where is his body?
Bugger!
BIRDSONG
Job done.
CHURCH BELL RINGS
MR CHURCH: John Hubble.
That's the name his friends used.
It wasn't Baz or Bazzer.
Or indeed Mohammed.
It was John.
John Hubble died on the very day he
celebrated 40 years at Greybridge.
This momentous occasion
was commemorated
with the gift of a pen -
a Parker pen,
that both Ryman's and WH Smith sell
for the recommended retail price
of £9.99.
Sadly, his heart stopped beating.
Whether it was the excitement
of the day
or the disappointment at receiving
such an unremarkable pen,
we'll never know.
He leaves behind
not only his father and mother,
but he also leaves a hole
in the hearts of us all.
But, more importantly,
he leaves a vacancy in
the role of Head of Science.
Nothing's been announced yet, but...
Mm! Heh.
Thank...thank you.
Thank you, Mr Church.
Thank you.
Please remain seated
while the choir sing Amazing Grace.
~ Well done for holding it together.
~ Thank you.
~ OTHERS: ♪ Amazing Grace... ♪
~ Trevor's taking it very badly,
though.
CONGREGATION SINGS
I can't bear to watch this any more.
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
~ (What's the score?)
~ Eh?
~ (What's the score?)
~ It's one-nil.
CONGREGATION SINGING
Oh.
Sorry, I'm late. Budge up, Churchy.
Oh, hello.
Went to the wrong funeral.
I wondered why everyone was Indian.
Lovely spread, though.
~ Onion bhaji?
~ Oh, no, no, thank you.
And er...I'm sorry to say
that this row was actually
reserved for teaching staff only.
Oh, right.
Well, I know my place.
If you fancy some of those,
I'll be at the back.
CONGREGATION SING
Ah!
No!
I now...
MR BARBER MUNCHES
...call upon, er...
Sorry, is someone
eating crisps at the back?
Don't worry, Vicar.
It's just a poppadom.
CRUNCHING CONTINUES
And I now call upon Margaret Baron,
headmistress at Greybridge School,
to lead us in prayer.
GUNN: Get in there! Heh-heh!
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
Let us pray.
Dear Lord...
..we give thanks
for the life of our friend,
our colleague John Hubble.
A light has gone out
at the school for ever,
but we know a light
has gone on in heaven.
May you rest in peace.
Amen.
Thank you for those wonderful words,
Ms Baron.
DOOR SLAMS
TYRES SCREECH OUTSIDE
Ms Baron?
Now let us all sing
the hymn Abide With Me.
♪ Abide with me
~ ♪ Fast falls the eventide... ♪
~ Stop it. Ow!
Stop it.
♪ The darkness deepens... ♪
~ I said stop it.
~ Dean, stop it.
Miss, I'm just making sure
he keeps in time.
Dean, what have we been
talking about all week?
That you should really use a ruler
when you're cutting your own fringe?
I've had just about enough of you.
You are a bully! Do you hear me?
A bully.
And people like you shouldn't
be allowed to come to school!
PEOPLE GASP
Poor disabled boy.
What?
No.
No, no. I wasn't...I wasn't...
I wasn't talking about him being...
I'm not saying because he's...you
know.
I'm talking about him being...
Miss, please don't attack
an unfortunate boy like myself.
~ Dean!
~ In the house of our Lord and Saviour.
Oh, for God's sake!
Have you quite finished?
Yeah.
~ You sure?
~ Yeah.
Just so you know, though,
he was actually being...
I don't want to hear it. If you
hadn't noticed, this is a funeral.
I had noticed.
Coffin, flowers, bit of a giveaway.
There's no need to answer back.
No, there's no need to answer back.
So, mm.
~ Do you want me to send you out?
~ Nope.
~ You sure?
~ Yep.
So, not another word out of you.
Not a problem.
Now, before we commit...
~ Just so you know,
he was actually being... ~ Get out.
~ What?!
~ Get out.
~ You are joking?
~ I'm not joking. Get out.
PUTS DOWN PRAYERS
I don't even care.
Mm. I don't care.
Yeah, I don't care.
~ Can I just stand here?
~ All the way out.
It's a rubbish church!
Now, before we commit
John Hubble's body to the ground,
let us remember him
with his favourite piece of music
sung by his beloved
lab technician Jo.
Ready, Jo?
♪ Ave Maria
♪ Gratia plena
♪ Maria
♪ Gratia plena
♪ Maria
♪ Gratia plena
♪ Ave
♪ Ave dominus
♪ Dominus tecum. ♪
BIRDSONG
CROWS CAW
For me, the most moving part
was Jo singing Ave Maria.
I think you'd left by then.
You haven't really come here to talk
about Mr Hubble's funeral, have you?
Yes, yes, I...I have.
Well, thank you very much,
Mr Church.
It's been wonderful talking to you.
Goodbye.
PHONE RINGS
~ Oh, there was just one other thing.
~ Here we go.
It's about the now sadly vacant
position of Head of Science.
This is getting really tiresome.
Why does it matter so much to you,
Mr Church?
I just feel if I was made
head of department,
I could really inspire
the next generation of chemists,
plus you get to sit
at a special table at lunch.
Well, you'll be glad to hear
~ I'll be making an announcement
at this morning's assembly. ~ Oh.
It's wrong to ask who's got the top
job, but should I prepare a speech,
or...?
All will be clear in assembly,
Mr Church.
Obviously I won't be making
any more insinuations about
the espresso machine.
~ Well, why would you?
~ Exactly.
~ Quick yes or no?
~ No.
Sorry. Is that a no?
Or a no to the "Yes or no"?
Yes.
Right. Is that a yes?
Or a yes, the no to the "yes or no"?
Sorry, can we just go
back to the beginning?
COFFEE MAKER ON
~ WHIRRING STOPS
~ It would just be helpful...
COFFEE MAKER WHIRS
COFFEE MAKER STOPS
And if anyone has any concerns,
anything at all,
don't bring them to me.
~ Well, I hope you get it.
~ Get what?
Head of Science.
Oh, I hadn't really
been thinking about it.
MS BARON: And after much
consideration,
I can announce that the new
Head of Science is Mr Church.
OTHERS APPLAUD
Oh! Thank you, Headmistress!
Thank you, everybody.
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Just like to, er...say a few words.
There isn't time, Mr Church.
And as of Monday, to save money,
we're having a complete staff
restructure
and I'm scrapping
all heads of department.
That'll be all.
LOW CHATTER
MR GUNN LAUGHS
Nice one, Churchy.
Head of Science for one whole day.
You're forgetting it's the weekend
tomorrow, so it's actually
three days.
~ School ain't open at the weekend.
~ Yeah, it's still three days off.
72 hours.
I've had dumps last longer than that.
I'm sorry, Keith.
It's fine, Sarah. It's really fine.
Don't let it get you down.
I won't.
I was wondering if, er...
the new Head of Science would care
to join a lowly French teacher
for a celebratory lunch
in the school's canteen today?
Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
He would absolutely love to.
Great, I'll see you at one.
Actually, I should really sit
at the special table
with the other heads of department.
~ Have you been sleeping in my
classroom? ~ Like a dirty vagrant?
MISS POSTERN: All Gareth needs
is a place to sleep.
This is my bedroom,
or, as I call it, Shag Central.
So lovely you're staying with us.
You know, Trevor never introduces me
to any of his friends.
MR BARBER: Don't worry, Trevor.
I'm not going to go into all the ins
and outs of what I got up to with
your mother.
That's my mum you're talking about.
She only ever done it once
and that was to have me.
Thank you for letting me
share your classroom.
~ We're finally moving in together.
~ Yes, but just into a classroom.
~ No idea, Headmistress!
~ He is unbelievably selfish...
Shut up! Why don't the two of you
just go off and have some angry sex?
I was thinking
I could just change classrooms.
Mm, we should consider
all the options.
♪ When I think about the days
there is something of a haze about it
♪ No, we're not the same
♪ But let's not break the chain
♪ We should play this game together.
♪
MISS POSTERN: Bullying.
Bullying.
Bully-ing. Not a word
we want to hear at this school.
Stop saying it, then.
We have a new boy at Greybridge
who had to leave his last school,
because of a problem with bullying.
I'm not going to mention any names.
All I'm going to say is,
this boy happens to be disabled.
I wonder who it is, Miss.
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
I said, "Mentioning no names", Dean.
So, I would like you all
to stand up and...
Not you, Dean.
And shout out,
"Stand up to bullies!"
STUDENTS: Stand up to bullies.
I can't hear you!
It was quite loud enough,
thank you, Miss, um...
Postern. Tsk!
It's kind of bullying, pretending
not to know someone's name.
Oh, shut up.
Now, this week marks
quite an anniversary.
Our beloved Head of Science,
Mr Hubble,
is celebrating an incredible
40 years at Greybridge.
To commemorate this huge milestone,
we'd like to present you
with this Parker pen.
Mr Hubble?
Would you like to say a few words?
Oi, Gandalf, you're on.
AUDIENCE CLAPPING
Oh, thank you. Ha-ha. Thank you.
May I just add my hearty
congratulations to Mr Hubble,
a true friend
and a wonderful colleague
with an unrivalled collection
of Victorian erotica.
GUNN LAUGHS
I will make sure that he gets this
with all our thanks.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... ♪
OTHERS JOIN IN:
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow!
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow!
♪ And so say all of us. ♪
Thank you, Mr Hubble, thank you.
AUDIENCE CLAPPING
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
You can all go now.
LOW CHATTER
Au revoir, la classe.
It means, "Goodbye, class".
LOW CHATTER
Dean, can I have a quick word
with you?
What is it? Are you, er...
stopping me for speeding?
Hm? Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
Oh! Oh, that is...that is wonderful.
It's wonderful, the way you can just
laugh at your...at your...this.
So, how is your first day
at Greybridge?
Magical. It's like, er...Hogwarts.
~ Seriously, though.
Are you being bullied? ~ Nope.
~ Sure?
~ Yeah.
~ Positive?
~ Yep.
~ A little bit?
~ No.
Tiny bit?
~ Should I have been bullied?
~ No! No, no.
I mean, look, all kinds of kids
get bullied at school. I mean...
it's difficult to believe, I know,
but even I was bullied
when I was at school.
Yeah, I can believe that.
Well, it's quite difficult
to believe, isn't it?
Not really. You are a ginger.
They didn't bully me for that.
~ Was it your cankles?
~ I don't actually have cankles.
There is a clear distinction
between my ankles and my calves.
But this isn't about me.
Ah, I've got it.
Was it cos you cut your own fringe?
I actually get my hair cut at
Toni & Guy, so you're wrong
and you are late
for your next lesson.
And I was bullied for being
too beautiful.
You're right, it is hard to believe.
I just had a query about...
~ COFFEE MAKER GRINDING
~ ..Mr Hubble's present fund.
COFFEE MAKER STOPS
I'm sorry. What was that?
I had a query about
Mr Hubble's present fund.
Please take your hands off my chairs.
~ What about it?
~ Well, I collected £162.50.
Mm! Wonderful coffee.
And I just called Ryman's,
and that particular Parker pen
retails at £9.99.
The engraving was very expensive.
It just says Parker on it.
Where is this going, Mr Church?
Well, just that by
my rough calculation,
that leaves £152.51...
COFFEE MAKER GRINDING
...unaccounted for.
Roughly the price of
an espresso machine!
MACHINE STOPS
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch a word of that.
~ Will that be all?
~ No.
There was just one...ha!
Tiny thing.
Go on.
Well, I just wondered if this
extraordinary 40 years at the school
marked a good time for...
Well, for Mr Hubble to...
Well... Ha-ha-ha!
To...
~ Spit it out, man.
~ Hang up his lab coat for good.
Mr Church, for the last time,
I'm not making you Head of Science.
~ But he's not with it any more.
~ Mr Hubble is perfectly capable.
Yesterday, I found him in the
chemistry storeroom eating a sponge.
Goodbye, Mr Church.
COFFEE MAKER ON
He put pate on it,
but it was still a sponge!
COFFEE MAKER ON
COFFEE MAKER STOPS
Don't mind me, Mr Hubble.
I'll just tidy around you.
CHAIRS BANG
MR BARBER: Lovely pen,
that, the Parker.
I had a super collection of Bics,
every colour of the rainbow.
The ex-wife's got them now.
Anyway, I do enjoy our little chats.
See you on Monday.
You have a nice weekend now.
CHAIRS BANG
MS BARON: This will not be tolerated.
If I had my way,
anyone failing to return a library
book on time would be Tasered.
These books are the property
of the school...
Psst! Churchy.
~ He nodded off again. ~ ..and you should
all consider yourselves lucky...
Mr Hubble? Mr Hubble?
He's cold.
Blimey, he's snuffed it.
He must have been here all weekend.
~ I'll get up and say something.
Maybe we'll get the day off.
~ No, no, no, no.
The children mustn't know.
They'll be traumatised.
Mr Church, do you have something
to share with the rest of us?
Oh...ha!
No, no, no, no, Headmistress.
Er...just enjoying a joke with
Mr Hubble. Ha! Keep it down, you!
Don't push him on me.
It's chemistry. It's your department.
In the county tournament
at the weekend,
our Year-10 football team
scored a goal.
Unfortunately, they let in nine.
I suppose we ought to give them
a round of applause.
APPLAUSE
Make him clap.
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Right, you can go.
Catch you later, Churchy.
Wait! We can't just leave him here.
Mr Hubble?
I can't make Science Fun Club today.
Oh, he will be disappointed.
Is he OK, sir?
Yes, yes, he's fine. Ha!
You're OK, aren't you?
~ Do the voice.
~ I can't.
~ Do the voice.
~ MIMICS HUBBLE: Yes, yes.
I'm fine, thank you.
~ He's not Scottish.
~ I panicked.
Yes, well, run along now, Nisha.
Ha-ha-ha!
HIGH-PITCHED: Goodbye, Nisha.
HE CLEARS THROAT
Consistency.
MS BARON: Do you know
what I used to do to bullies?
I would smack them and then
take away their lunch money.
Sadly, one can't do that any more.
I rushed straight here,
Headmistress.
Nicholas, I thought better of you.
What have I been saying
in assembly about bullying?
~ He's... ~ No, I don't want
to hear your excuses.
Just because Dean is...
~ Short-sighted?
~ No. Just because Dean is...
~ Wheat-intolerant?
~ No.
Just because Dean is...
~ A quarter Belgian?
~ No. Just because Dean is...
Oh, do be quiet, woman.
It's Dean that's the bully.
Dean?
Well, what have you been doing?
Just Tipp-Ex'd
a pair of gloves on his hands.
~ Why?
~ It looked cold outside.
Well, I hope it wasn't school
Tipp-Ex. We're on an economy drive.
Well, I just don't understand.
This is appalling behaviour.
Well, what do you expect
from this boy?
I told you he had to leave his
last school because of bullying.
Yes, but I thought he was
the one being bullied.
~ Duh!
~ Nicholas, you can leave now.
~ What am I supposed to do about
this? ~ Well, don't worry about it.
It'll flake off in a week or so.
~ Thanks.
~ And don't touch the door handle.
DOOR CREAKS
Well, I am shocked.
Now, please,
whatever you do, don't sit down.
Expelled for bullying?
How many times
do you need to be told?
Mm, about four or five.
Well, perhaps I should
expel you from Greybridge?
~ Not arsed.
~ No.
No, look, please don't expel Dean.
You know how good
I am with problem kids.
I can turn him around. I just need
a little bit of one-to-one time.
Well, that sounds like
punishment enough.
You can both leave now.
Come on, buddy. Let's you and me
go and have a good old chat.
Is it too late for you
to just expel me, or...?
Where are we taking him?
~ Lost property cupboard. ~ No.
No, no, no. No, there's no room.
I've got my home-brew kit in there.
CHURCH SIGHS
Here, quick, quick, quick. Bend it!
~ He shouldn't be in here.
~ Don't worry. It's empty.
DOOR CREAKS
Ah. Hello, Jo.
Ha. You'll be, er...needing this.
Might want to, er...
lock the door next time.
Hm?
DOOR CREAKS
~ Right. Quick, quick, quick.
~ It's horrible.
Quickly.
MR GUNN GRUNTS
~ THUMP
~ Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hubble.
It's not like he can hear you.
~ All right?
~ Oh. Huh. Hello, caretaker.
Still asleep, is he?
I hate to break this to you, but
I have some rather upsetting news.
~ He's...
~ He's dead.
Oh. Oh, no.
He was so young.
Mind you, I did think it was odd,
because he'd been asleep
in the assembly hall since Friday
and that's, what, 48 hours.
No, that would be two days.
Three days is 74 hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's more like 88.
It's 24 times three, which is...
Right, look, half of 24 is 12.
One 12 is 12. Two 12s are...
~ It's quicker if I use a calculator.
~ I was nearly there.
~ 72.
~ Right, so you're wrong, Churchy.
~ Well, what did you say?
~ 88.
~ And you?
~ 48.
~ Well, I was the closest.
~ Still wrong, though.
Yeah, but least wrong or most right.
So, Mr Hubble has been dead
for 72 hours.
Still, at least he put
a lovely shine on the floor.
We gave him that pen.
That's a Parker pen, that is.
That is the king of pens.
That's a £10 pen. That's a nice pen.
Will you show some respect?
Yes, both of you.
~ So, what are you going to do with
him? ~ We're not sure.
We don't want to frighten the
kiddies, you see.
Caretaker to the rescue.
I got just the place.
~ There we go. ~ Is it all right
to put him in there?
Yes, the binmen are coming tomorrow.
You can't leave him out for the
binmen. We've got to call a doctor.
There's not much hope for him now,
is there?
No, you imbecile. A doctor
has got to pronounce him dead.
Well, I can do that. Well, he's dead.
Shall I call an ambulance? I forget
the number. It's 99 something.
No. If the children
see an ambulance,
it'll all become a circus.
Well, why don't I just get him
to the doctors?
Well, how you going to do that?
Easy, I'll use the company car.
So, thank you so much
for helping us with this, Luke.
No diggity.
This is something you call
rap therapy?
Yeah, rapathy.
~ God help us.
~ It's a way of channelling anger.
Life sucks,
and sometimes you just want to,
um-mm-mmm...
~ All right?
~ ..mm-mm-mm... Yep, thanks.
This one time, my sister Helen,
we had an argument, a biggy,
and she flushed one of my
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
down the toilet,
and I was so angry, I just got
in the car and I just drove,
and I thought about all the ways
that I could get rid of this anger.
Kick her in the knee.
Burn all her clothes. Yank her hair
out until she was bald...
Well, we don't need the whole list.
OK, but instead of doing any
of that, I just started rapping.
Rapathy. Rap-a-thy.
Rapathy. Rap-athy.
~ Shall we just get on with it?
~ Yeah.
So, er...we're just going to do
some freestyling.
I'll start us off, then you,
then Deano.
~ This guy.
~ Big D.
~ This fella. There he is.
~ Double D.
~ Snoop Doggy D.
~ Whoa!
It's just Dean.
MUSIC PLAYS
♪ I'm Deano
♪ When I get angry, I get real mad
♪ It makes me feel
like I'll do something bad
♪ But just before I'm about to snap
♪ I get on the mic
and I do a big rap
♪ Hey! Baron make me angry
make me scream and shout
♪ She forgets my name
What's that all about?
♪ But instead of punching her
repeatedly in the face
♪ I pick up my mic
and I rap all over the place!
~ ♪ Whoa!
~ ♪ I'm rapping!
~ ♪ Whoa!
~ ♪ Oh, yeah!
~ ♪ Oh!
~ ♪ I'm rapping. ♪
MUSIC PLAYING
Can I be honest?
Yeah, rap your truth, brother.
Your rapping is making me
want to hit somebody.
MUSIC PLAYING
MUSIC STOPS
LOW CHATTER
Dead?
It's three days, which is 72 hours.
Mm, he was stiff as a board,
but still clutching that cheap pen.
It was a £160 pen.
So you keep saying.
Enjoying your espresso?
This thing here makes frothy milk,
so I'm actually having a cappuccino.
~ Oh, how wonderful for you!
~ I was very close to him.
~ No, you weren't.
~ Yes, I was.
Which is why I'm going to need
the rest of the week off,
to get over his untimely passing.
If you were so close to Mr Hubble,
what was his first name?
Dave.
Pete.
Bazzer.
All right, Baz.
Mohammed. No.
~ It was John. ~ Well, I said
that already, didn't I?
It was very sad for John Hubble.
That was his name, John, and do you
know the worst part, Headmistress?
~ What? ~ The school no longer
has a Head of Science.
Oh, that didn't take you long,
did it? And his body's not even...
Where is his body?
Bugger!
BIRDSONG
Job done.
CHURCH BELL RINGS
MR CHURCH: John Hubble.
That's the name his friends used.
It wasn't Baz or Bazzer.
Or indeed Mohammed.
It was John.
John Hubble died on the very day he
celebrated 40 years at Greybridge.
This momentous occasion
was commemorated
with the gift of a pen -
a Parker pen,
that both Ryman's and WH Smith sell
for the recommended retail price
of £9.99.
Sadly, his heart stopped beating.
Whether it was the excitement
of the day
or the disappointment at receiving
such an unremarkable pen,
we'll never know.
He leaves behind
not only his father and mother,
but he also leaves a hole
in the hearts of us all.
But, more importantly,
he leaves a vacancy in
the role of Head of Science.
Nothing's been announced yet, but...
Mm! Heh.
Thank...thank you.
Thank you, Mr Church.
Thank you.
Please remain seated
while the choir sing Amazing Grace.
~ Well done for holding it together.
~ Thank you.
~ OTHERS: ♪ Amazing Grace... ♪
~ Trevor's taking it very badly,
though.
CONGREGATION SINGS
I can't bear to watch this any more.
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
~ (What's the score?)
~ Eh?
~ (What's the score?)
~ It's one-nil.
CONGREGATION SINGING
Oh.
Sorry, I'm late. Budge up, Churchy.
Oh, hello.
Went to the wrong funeral.
I wondered why everyone was Indian.
Lovely spread, though.
~ Onion bhaji?
~ Oh, no, no, thank you.
And er...I'm sorry to say
that this row was actually
reserved for teaching staff only.
Oh, right.
Well, I know my place.
If you fancy some of those,
I'll be at the back.
CONGREGATION SING
Ah!
No!
I now...
MR BARBER MUNCHES
...call upon, er...
Sorry, is someone
eating crisps at the back?
Don't worry, Vicar.
It's just a poppadom.
CRUNCHING CONTINUES
And I now call upon Margaret Baron,
headmistress at Greybridge School,
to lead us in prayer.
GUNN: Get in there! Heh-heh!
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
Let us pray.
Dear Lord...
..we give thanks
for the life of our friend,
our colleague John Hubble.
A light has gone out
at the school for ever,
but we know a light
has gone on in heaven.
May you rest in peace.
Amen.
Thank you for those wonderful words,
Ms Baron.
DOOR SLAMS
TYRES SCREECH OUTSIDE
Ms Baron?
Now let us all sing
the hymn Abide With Me.
♪ Abide with me
~ ♪ Fast falls the eventide... ♪
~ Stop it. Ow!
Stop it.
♪ The darkness deepens... ♪
~ I said stop it.
~ Dean, stop it.
Miss, I'm just making sure
he keeps in time.
Dean, what have we been
talking about all week?
That you should really use a ruler
when you're cutting your own fringe?
I've had just about enough of you.
You are a bully! Do you hear me?
A bully.
And people like you shouldn't
be allowed to come to school!
PEOPLE GASP
Poor disabled boy.
What?
No.
No, no. I wasn't...I wasn't...
I wasn't talking about him being...
I'm not saying because he's...you
know.
I'm talking about him being...
Miss, please don't attack
an unfortunate boy like myself.
~ Dean!
~ In the house of our Lord and Saviour.
Oh, for God's sake!
Have you quite finished?
Yeah.
~ You sure?
~ Yeah.
Just so you know, though,
he was actually being...
I don't want to hear it. If you
hadn't noticed, this is a funeral.
I had noticed.
Coffin, flowers, bit of a giveaway.
There's no need to answer back.
No, there's no need to answer back.
So, mm.
~ Do you want me to send you out?
~ Nope.
~ You sure?
~ Yep.
So, not another word out of you.
Not a problem.
Now, before we commit...
~ Just so you know,
he was actually being... ~ Get out.
~ What?!
~ Get out.
~ You are joking?
~ I'm not joking. Get out.
PUTS DOWN PRAYERS
I don't even care.
Mm. I don't care.
Yeah, I don't care.
~ Can I just stand here?
~ All the way out.
It's a rubbish church!
Now, before we commit
John Hubble's body to the ground,
let us remember him
with his favourite piece of music
sung by his beloved
lab technician Jo.
Ready, Jo?
♪ Ave Maria
♪ Gratia plena
♪ Maria
♪ Gratia plena
♪ Maria
♪ Gratia plena
♪ Ave
♪ Ave dominus
♪ Dominus tecum. ♪
BIRDSONG
CROWS CAW
For me, the most moving part
was Jo singing Ave Maria.
I think you'd left by then.
You haven't really come here to talk
about Mr Hubble's funeral, have you?
Yes, yes, I...I have.
Well, thank you very much,
Mr Church.
It's been wonderful talking to you.
Goodbye.
PHONE RINGS
~ Oh, there was just one other thing.
~ Here we go.
It's about the now sadly vacant
position of Head of Science.
This is getting really tiresome.
Why does it matter so much to you,
Mr Church?
I just feel if I was made
head of department,
I could really inspire
the next generation of chemists,
plus you get to sit
at a special table at lunch.
Well, you'll be glad to hear
~ I'll be making an announcement
at this morning's assembly. ~ Oh.
It's wrong to ask who's got the top
job, but should I prepare a speech,
or...?
All will be clear in assembly,
Mr Church.
Obviously I won't be making
any more insinuations about
the espresso machine.
~ Well, why would you?
~ Exactly.
~ Quick yes or no?
~ No.
Sorry. Is that a no?
Or a no to the "Yes or no"?
Yes.
Right. Is that a yes?
Or a yes, the no to the "yes or no"?
Sorry, can we just go
back to the beginning?
COFFEE MAKER ON
~ WHIRRING STOPS
~ It would just be helpful...
COFFEE MAKER WHIRS
COFFEE MAKER STOPS
And if anyone has any concerns,
anything at all,
don't bring them to me.
~ Well, I hope you get it.
~ Get what?
Head of Science.
Oh, I hadn't really
been thinking about it.
MS BARON: And after much
consideration,
I can announce that the new
Head of Science is Mr Church.
OTHERS APPLAUD
Oh! Thank you, Headmistress!
Thank you, everybody.
Wow!
Wow!
Wow!
Just like to, er...say a few words.
There isn't time, Mr Church.
And as of Monday, to save money,
we're having a complete staff
restructure
and I'm scrapping
all heads of department.
That'll be all.
LOW CHATTER
MR GUNN LAUGHS
Nice one, Churchy.
Head of Science for one whole day.
You're forgetting it's the weekend
tomorrow, so it's actually
three days.
~ School ain't open at the weekend.
~ Yeah, it's still three days off.
72 hours.
I've had dumps last longer than that.
I'm sorry, Keith.
It's fine, Sarah. It's really fine.
Don't let it get you down.
I won't.
I was wondering if, er...
the new Head of Science would care
to join a lowly French teacher
for a celebratory lunch
in the school's canteen today?
Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
He would absolutely love to.
Great, I'll see you at one.
Actually, I should really sit
at the special table
with the other heads of department.
~ Have you been sleeping in my
classroom? ~ Like a dirty vagrant?
MISS POSTERN: All Gareth needs
is a place to sleep.
This is my bedroom,
or, as I call it, Shag Central.
So lovely you're staying with us.
You know, Trevor never introduces me
to any of his friends.
MR BARBER: Don't worry, Trevor.
I'm not going to go into all the ins
and outs of what I got up to with
your mother.
That's my mum you're talking about.
She only ever done it once
and that was to have me.
Thank you for letting me
share your classroom.
~ We're finally moving in together.
~ Yes, but just into a classroom.
~ No idea, Headmistress!
~ He is unbelievably selfish...
Shut up! Why don't the two of you
just go off and have some angry sex?
I was thinking
I could just change classrooms.
Mm, we should consider
all the options.
♪ When I think about the days
there is something of a haze about it
♪ No, we're not the same
♪ But let's not break the chain
♪ We should play this game together.
♪