Big School (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
Ryan, where's your kit?
I left it at home, sir.
He's left it at home.
Well, you're not getting out of PE
that easily.
You can be a cone.
Right, you lot...
Ryan...is a cone.
OK, gentlemen...
Dribble!
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Can I help you, babes?
I'm Ryan's mum, got his kit.
Ryan, what you doing with that cone
on your head? Go on, get changed.
Thanks, Mum.
It's been a while, Trevor.
Since what?
Since we, um...
you know.
Oh, right.
Did we?
You don't remember, do you?
Pub car park, Seven Bells?
Wookey Hole Caves?
Back of Greggs?
Caravan, Ideal Home Exhibition?
Legoland, Windsor?
Cleaning cupboard, Pizza Hut?
Do I look like the kind of lady
who'd do it in a cleaning cupboard?
Back of the Megabowl?
That's it. Oosh!
Oh, that's what you said
that night when you, um...
Yeah, I always say that,
even when I'm doing it on my own.
How long ago was this, then?
Oh, it must be 13 years now.
Is it really, 13 years?
Whoaf!
It was good times.
Time.
Good to see you, Trevor.
What, no, and you.
Ryan's mum.
13 years...
Sssh!
13 years?!
Hello there.
Give us a hand with these leaves,
Churchy.
Oh, I'd love to, but I haven't
received the proper training.
Come on, pal,
there's thousands of the beggars.
Every time I pick one up,
another one falls.
Well, that's the nature of leaves,
but on behalf of the entire
teaching staff,
I wish you all the best with them.
Sarah?
Is he all right?
I think he's just a bit leafed out.
So, are you excited
about parents' evening?
Oh, I'm dreading it.
Why?
It's so embarrassing,
all those dads flirting with me.
Really?
Yes, they all flirt with me.
Oh, I get the same with
all the mums.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm not lying. I mean, I'm trying to
speak to these grown men
about their child's French homework
and they're just staring
at my chest.
Yeah, that would...
Oh, er...
Sorry, what were you saying?
Sarah, can I have a word?
Anything you need to say to Sarah
you can say in front of me. Chest.
What? I didn't accidentally just
say "chest", why would I?
Keith, can you stop staring at my
chest? Chest.
Chest.
No, sorry, what?
Why did I come over here again?
Oh, yeah, I need to talk to
you...alone.
You OK?
No.
I think I should come, too. Keith,
he wants to speak to me alone
and I think that's for the chest...
breast, best.
That is your fault.
OK?
Yeah.
Better?
Better.
All right?
Mm-hm.
So, why don't you start
by telling me what's wrong?
Oh, yeah, right, um...
Sarah, I just found...
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Oh, just wait for that to stop.
BELL CONTINUES RINGING
It goes on quite a long time,
doesn't it?
BELL STOPS
And go.
Look, I just found out that...
..I'm a dad.
Wow!
What, so, so someone
actually let you, um....
Yeah, it was 13 years ago.
So they're 13?
No, he's 12.
The baby is inside the lady's tummy
for nine months before it comes out.
Yes, I did know that!
But he goes to this school.
He doesn't even know I exist.
Well, if he goes to this school,
he probably does know you exist.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Yeah, actually, I just took him
for PE.
Oh, this is better than an episode
of Waterloo Road.
I don't know what to do.
Trevor, can I just say? I'm really
happy
that you've come to me with this
cos I'm actually a really good
listener.
Yeah, well, I thought...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ssh! And I think
that you becoming a father
is the best thing
that could ever happen to you.
Do you think I'll make a good dad?
So... What else have you been up to?
These biscuits are on the turn.
Right, every...
Oh, God, it's vile in here!
So, everyone,
parents' evening on Thursday.
We're all very much looking forward
to it, Headmistress.
Personally, I'd rather shit in my
hands and clap.
Now, a few do's and don'ts.
Mr Gunn, try not to get into
any scuffles with the parents.
I won't be rude about anyone's kids
because I realise now that...
children are the greatest gift
you could ever have.
Have you dropped an E? I just
realised that life's beautiful
and we need to let love into our
hearts. He's found God!
Even worse!
Mrs Klebb?
Present.
The parents don't want to know about
your partner's irritable bowel
syndrome.
It's actually got a lot worse.
This morning I had to give Frieda
a manual evacuation.
Too much information.
Miss, um...?
Postern.
QUIETLY: I'm beginning to think...
Sorry, what did you say?
Er, nothing.
No, no, no, you said something,
so share it with the group.
Well, I said I am beginning to think
you are forgetting my name
on purpose.
Would I do that? Miss, um...?
Postern.
You should know, dear,
that last parents' evening,
I received numerous complaints
about your choice of attire.
Excuse me?
Many mothers said you were "dolled
up like a Parisian prostitute."
Well, I'm sorry, I'm not...
I'm not having that.
It is every woman's right
to dress as she chooses
and if all the dads keep ogling my
chest, that really isn't my fault.
Well, they will look
if you flop them out on the table.
MR MARTIN: I'm not going to be there.
What?
It's wrong. The whole concept
of parents' evening is wrong.
We work so hard to get the trust of
these kids
and then what do we go and do?
We grass them up to their folks.
No, I won't be a part of it.
Also, it's the same night as
Bake Off.
Oh, what, Bake Off's on?
The lemon meringue pie last week...
ALL TALK AT ONCE
Will you please all shut up
about the sodding Bake Off!
Well, let's put it to a vote.
Hands up if you think we should
cancel parents' evening.
Fortunately, Mr Martin,
this school is not a democracy -
it is a dictatorship -
so you will all be there
without fail.
Don't mind me. Just doing the bins.
So, the parents will arrive at
seven.
Parents' evening, is it?
Yes.
Oh, great! I can't wait.
All of us making a night of it,
popping down the pub for a couple
of pints and a good chinwag later.
Mr Barber, your presence
will not be required.
Oh, yes, er...
Of course, er...
I just do the manual work.
I forgot.
Oh, hey, I could still set up
a little caretaker stall...
give the mums and dads advice on how
best to get shoes out of trees,
if you like?
Me no like.
Yes.
Got it.
Just get on with the bins, Gareth,
else you'll make things worse than
they already are.
LIQUID DRIPS FROM BIN
Oh!
Now I've got bin juice all
over the shop!
Come on, Gareth, come on, come on.
Let's get you back to your shed.
You couldn't give me a hand
with some leaves, could you?
Course I will, chuck.
Well, it would've been kinder
to have had him put down.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Penalty!
What?!
He wasn't even near the ball!
You off! Ball.
Ryan's taking it.
What?!
Come on.
BOYS GRUMBLE
I don't know what to do, sir.
Of course you do.
All right, it's football,
it's in your genes.
All you've got to do is pick
your spot
and don't change your mind.
Imagine, it's the World Cup final,
yeah?
The whole country is behind you.
They're all chanting your name -
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!
Go on, son, make me proud.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Don't move!
Yes!
ALL COMPLAIN
Yes!
Give me an oosh! Oosh!
PUPIL: To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...
..or to take arms against...
Next!
All right?
Can I help you?
You don't mind
if I sit in on this one, do you?
I didn't have you down
as a Shakespeare fan.
Oh, yeah, massive.
I've read all his plays.
Really? Which is your favourite?
King...
..Kong.
OK.
Right, so, remember, this is the
most dramatic moment of the play,
the most famous speech
in the history of theatre.
Prince Hamlet is contemplating
whether to live or die.
And begin.
DEADPAN: To be or not to be,
that is the question,
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to
suffer
the springs and arrows of out...
..outrageous fortune or...or to take
arms against a sea of troubles
and by opposing...
end them.
Finished.
Boom!
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
There's your Hamlet.
Your alphabet's wrong.
Trevor, what an unexpected, er...
What do you want?
No, nothing.
Just relax, it's just a social call,
Churchy.
It's about Ryan's test paper.
It's 31%.
Yes? You must've marked it wrong,
the boy's a genius.
Well, I wouldn't say he's a genius.
What is H2O?
He's written "fruit drink."
Why does this matter to you?
I see a lot of myself in that boy
and believe it or not, I wasn't all
that academical myself at school.
I do believe that.
Go on, Churchy, give him an extra
mark.
If I do, will you immediately
leave my classroom?
Yes. Hm, 32%.
Boom!
I'm telling you, Churchy, that boy's
got the potential to go all the way,
to Cambridge even.
Hmm. On a coach trip, maybe.
BLOWER WHOOSHES
Mr Barber, what are you doing?
What?
What are you doing?
SWITCHES BLOWER OFF
What are you doing?
It's a pre-emptive strike.
What? Blow the leaves off the tree
before they fall,
beat them at their own game.
Perhaps you should concentrate
on the leaves on the ground.
But where do you think
they come from?
HE RESTARTS BLOWER
Goodbye, Mr Barber.
How are you finding, er...
..fatherhood?
What?
Fatherhood!
Oh, it's the best thing I ever did,
spreading the Gunn seed.
I'm actually eating.
I just hope I can pass on
all my knowledge to him.
Oh, well, it shouldn't take too
long. Yeah.
I mean, it's hard to explain
to somebody who doesn't have kids.
Not really because I have two cats,
Jules et Jim, so I think I know
what it's like to be a mother.
It's not really the same though,
is it? Well, you wouldn't know
because you don't have cats.
Can I ask which boy it is?
No, I can't tell you.
He don't know himself yet, so it
wouldn't be fair on the lad.
Yeah. Yeah.
You could tell me though.
No. Well, you could cos I
wouldn't tell anyone.
No.
No, I understand.
Is it Kieran?
No.
Is it Tyler?
No. Is it Abdul?
It wouldn't be Abdul, would it?
Is it Ryan?
I didn't know Ryan was here.
Ryan!
Give us an oosh!
Oosh! Oosh!
It's Ryan, isn't it?
Yeah.
Bollocks.
Oh, I'm fine with the test tubes,
thank you, Jo.
Oh, hello, Sarah.
Oh, I'm sorry, is this
not a good time?
Oh, no, Jo was just leaving us.
Would you mind leaving, Jo?
Thank you, Jo.
Ohh!
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Well, I'm glad you popped by
because I wanted to talk to you
about Fair Trade week.
Keith, you can't expect me to care
about the price of bananas
with everything that's going on
at the moment.
What is going on?
I can't tell you.
You can't tell me?
It's a secret.
Oh. So, whatever you do, please
don't ask me to talk about it
because I simply can't.
Well, I thought we could do an
assembly together
comparing the prices of a coffee...
I just feel like I'm stuck
right in the middle between a really
difficult situation.
What situation?
I can't say.
It's about Trevor.
I've said too much already.
Did he try and touch you?
Yes, but that's not it.
Well, I can't really help
unless I know what it is.
Then guess. You can guess,
I mean, I won't say anything.
I'll just nod my head
if you're getting warmer
and I'll shake my head
if you're getting colder.
Well, um...
He's got a secret love child
at the school.
So someone actually let him...?
Yes!
I mean, it's hard to believe,
I know, but, yes.
Who is this love child?
Well, that I can't tell you.
I understand.
It's Ryan.
Beatboxing masterclass,
Luke Martin on the mic, here we go.
HE BEATBOXES
Boots and cats! Boots and cats!
We're into it one time,
great big school coming at ya!
CONTINUES BEATBOXING
MC Nicholas, drop it.
Dum de dum...
Back to me.
CONTINUES BEATBOXING
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Homework in first thing tomorrow,
please.
Oh, hi, Keith.
Oh!
It's not easy having a secret.
Is it about Ryan being
Trevor's love child?
Who told you? Sarah. When? Just
before this lesson.
Well, she told me at the end of
lunch
so I knew a good 45 minutes
before you.
Amazing anyone would actually let
him... Yes.
Of course, it's very important
no-one else knows.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Haven't told anyone, have you?
No, no, not really, just Klebb...
Baron, Hubble and Jo. You?
Mentioned it to the man who popped
in to change the ink
in the photocopier.
Other than that, not a soul.
So no-one's told Barber?
Gareth!
Gareth!
Gareth!
Gareth!
Mr Gunn has got...
..a love child.
Gareth's got a love child!
In your face!
Hello, Sarah.
I just wondered if after parents'
evening tonight,
you fancied going for a drink?
Do you want to have children?
I'm sorry?
Do you want to have children?
Well, can we just see
how the drink goes first?
It's just this whole thing with
Trevor
has got me questioning
everything.
I mean, I am a woman
who has always put my career first,
that's why I'm one of the top
French teachers in the county.
In the whole of the South-East.
But...I've been thinking...
..and what would really make me
happy is...if I had a baby.
Well, if it's a baby you're after...
I know how they're made.
I would hope so, you're 44.
Not clear on all the small print,
but I know the headlines.
Oh, Keith...
have we both left it too late?
Well, I haven't.
Are you saying I have?
No, no!
Not at all, I mean,
how old are you, 40...?
Around 40. Around 40, well...you
have a small window.
No, I've got a big window.
I've been thinking I'd really love
to have a baby girl.
Or a boy.
Called Amelie.
Nigel. I'd raise her in a run-down
old farmhouse in Provence.
Guildford.
She'd grow up to be an artist. With
a science degree to fall back on.
She'd be a good mother.
She'd give me seven grandchildren.
Well, that would make Christmas
very pricey,
plus even a trip to Chessington
World of Adventures,
we'd have to hire a minibus.
SHE SIGHS
We'll not bother with that drink,
shall we?
How are you feeling, Trevor?
Anxious, nervous, tense?
It's just going to be so tough,
you know,
coming face to face with
Ryan's, um...
dad. Yes, well,
what's best for Ryan
is that it is still secret.
Yeah.
You haven't told anyone, have you?
No, no, no, no.
Of course not.
It's going to be awkward
for you tonight, isn't it, Trevor?
What? Hope it goes all right with
Ryan's dad.
You've only got yourself to blame.
Not you as well!
Sorry, just to say,
the photocopier's up and running,
and good luck with Ryan's dad.
Who told him?
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
If I can have a bit of quiet,
please?
I can still hear people chattering
about Mr Gunn's love child.
Let us not forget, tonight is an
important showcase for the school,
so let's all work together
and give it 100%.
I wish I could stay,
but it's nearly time for Bake Off.
He's got quite a sense of humour,
your lad,
always making up funny names for me
the Nerd, Mr Moobs,
Bellend.
Can you please ask him to stop?
It's actually very hurtful.
Kelly needs to work
on her pronunciation.
Sorry, I'm up here, not down here.
Please stop looking at these.
The service here is very slow,
they haven't even brought us a menu!
If Tom really wants to make it
in the music biz, he's got to
change his attitude. He really needs
to start bunking off lessons.
When it comes to A levels, I don't
think he should take chemistry
or any other subject
he can't spell the name of.
Alesha should not drop drama,
drama is a hugely important subject,
plus you can get a C
for just turning up.
Not that she'd need that...at all.
Regardez le visage!
Ne parlez hooters!
You'd think they'd at least bring us
some breadsticks.
I'm going to...
HE BEATBOXES
I didn't cast Connor in the
production
because I've always seen Hamlet
as a little Chinese girl.
Is anyone having a starter?
Or are we all going
straight to the main course?
ROOM GOES QUIET
So, um, you must be, er...
Ryan's, um...
Dad.
Yeah.
Course you are, mate.
So, how's he getting on?
Brilliant.
So proud of him.
Really?
He's always struggled with sports.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
the kid's world-class.
I mean, I'd bet money on him...
captaining England one day.
Well, it's great you believe in him
so much.
Ryan is always talking about Mr
Gunn, isn't he?
Yeah, you're his favourite.
Am I?
What does he say about me?
Just that you've been really looking
out for him, so cheers for that.
Yeah, and thank you for, um...
for all you've done too.
Yeah...um, is there anything
Ryan can do better?
No.
He's perfect.
OK, well, we'd better go and see
that tarty French teacher now.
No, stop!
I can't live this lie any longer.
There's something
I've got to tell you.
What?
Oh, Trevor, don't do this.
I have to, babes.
It's...it's eating me up inside.
I'm Ryan's...
real...
LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES
Turn it off, turn it off!
Mr Barber, you know
you're not meant to be here.
Just dealing with a rogue leaf.
Evening, everybody.
Nice to see so many friendly
faces again.
I don't know if you all know, but...
I went through a very dark patch...
bit of a breakdown,
a biggie.
Not able to teach any more.
Just...
dealing with leaves...leaves these
days.
All right, Gareth.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Let's get you back to your shed.
What was it you were going to say?
Eh?
Oh...
You know, I'm Ryan's...real...
..PE teacher.
And his dad.
What?
Why would anyone think
you're Ryan's dad?
Because of, you know,
what you and me done...
13 years ago.
What we did that night
can't make you pregnant.
Yeah, I knew that.
You told me you'd been with some
wrong 'uns before me, but seriously?
This geezer's off the scale!
Look, no, hang on,
he can't be Ryan's real dad.
He's not, Ryan's adopted.
Sorry, can I get a bit of quiet,
please?
Something very important's happened,
I've just this moment heard,
Jillian's custard tarts were too
soggy.
She's out of the Bake Off.
DISAPPOINTED GROANS
Sir?
All right?
What do you want? I'm on my break.
I just wanted to give you this.
"Mr Gunn...
"Thanks for being the best PE teacher
in the world.
"Love, Ryan.
"PS...
"Oosh!"
Ofsted?
I hear we've got a visit coming
from those Ofsted bastards.
Great teachers have nothing to fear
from an inspection.
True, so I suggest
you take the day off sick.
What do we normally do?
Wash your car.
All go down the chippy?
I'm not a bad teacher.
Oh, no, no, no,
you're an abominable one.
Who are you calling amobidable?
Le bingo. Why didn't I hear any
numbers, miss?
- Well, they were all in French.
- You should've said.
This is a disaster. If Ms Steele
finds the drugs, we're finished.
I would like to make
a donation to Ofsted.
Do you think you can corrupt me
with money? No.
- That's a career ender.
- Well, don't say that.
DAPHNE: Headmistress, she hasn't
seen me.
She's seen me.
♪ When I think about the days
There is something of a haze about it
♪ Though we're not the same
Let's not break the chain
♪ We should play this game
together. ♪
I left it at home, sir.
He's left it at home.
Well, you're not getting out of PE
that easily.
You can be a cone.
Right, you lot...
Ryan...is a cone.
OK, gentlemen...
Dribble!
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Can I help you, babes?
I'm Ryan's mum, got his kit.
Ryan, what you doing with that cone
on your head? Go on, get changed.
Thanks, Mum.
It's been a while, Trevor.
Since what?
Since we, um...
you know.
Oh, right.
Did we?
You don't remember, do you?
Pub car park, Seven Bells?
Wookey Hole Caves?
Back of Greggs?
Caravan, Ideal Home Exhibition?
Legoland, Windsor?
Cleaning cupboard, Pizza Hut?
Do I look like the kind of lady
who'd do it in a cleaning cupboard?
Back of the Megabowl?
That's it. Oosh!
Oh, that's what you said
that night when you, um...
Yeah, I always say that,
even when I'm doing it on my own.
How long ago was this, then?
Oh, it must be 13 years now.
Is it really, 13 years?
Whoaf!
It was good times.
Time.
Good to see you, Trevor.
What, no, and you.
Ryan's mum.
13 years...
Sssh!
13 years?!
Hello there.
Give us a hand with these leaves,
Churchy.
Oh, I'd love to, but I haven't
received the proper training.
Come on, pal,
there's thousands of the beggars.
Every time I pick one up,
another one falls.
Well, that's the nature of leaves,
but on behalf of the entire
teaching staff,
I wish you all the best with them.
Sarah?
Is he all right?
I think he's just a bit leafed out.
So, are you excited
about parents' evening?
Oh, I'm dreading it.
Why?
It's so embarrassing,
all those dads flirting with me.
Really?
Yes, they all flirt with me.
Oh, I get the same with
all the mums.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm not lying. I mean, I'm trying to
speak to these grown men
about their child's French homework
and they're just staring
at my chest.
Yeah, that would...
Oh, er...
Sorry, what were you saying?
Sarah, can I have a word?
Anything you need to say to Sarah
you can say in front of me. Chest.
What? I didn't accidentally just
say "chest", why would I?
Keith, can you stop staring at my
chest? Chest.
Chest.
No, sorry, what?
Why did I come over here again?
Oh, yeah, I need to talk to
you...alone.
You OK?
No.
I think I should come, too. Keith,
he wants to speak to me alone
and I think that's for the chest...
breast, best.
That is your fault.
OK?
Yeah.
Better?
Better.
All right?
Mm-hm.
So, why don't you start
by telling me what's wrong?
Oh, yeah, right, um...
Sarah, I just found...
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Oh, just wait for that to stop.
BELL CONTINUES RINGING
It goes on quite a long time,
doesn't it?
BELL STOPS
And go.
Look, I just found out that...
..I'm a dad.
Wow!
What, so, so someone
actually let you, um....
Yeah, it was 13 years ago.
So they're 13?
No, he's 12.
The baby is inside the lady's tummy
for nine months before it comes out.
Yes, I did know that!
But he goes to this school.
He doesn't even know I exist.
Well, if he goes to this school,
he probably does know you exist.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Yeah, actually, I just took him
for PE.
Oh, this is better than an episode
of Waterloo Road.
I don't know what to do.
Trevor, can I just say? I'm really
happy
that you've come to me with this
cos I'm actually a really good
listener.
Yeah, well, I thought...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ssh! And I think
that you becoming a father
is the best thing
that could ever happen to you.
Do you think I'll make a good dad?
So... What else have you been up to?
These biscuits are on the turn.
Right, every...
Oh, God, it's vile in here!
So, everyone,
parents' evening on Thursday.
We're all very much looking forward
to it, Headmistress.
Personally, I'd rather shit in my
hands and clap.
Now, a few do's and don'ts.
Mr Gunn, try not to get into
any scuffles with the parents.
I won't be rude about anyone's kids
because I realise now that...
children are the greatest gift
you could ever have.
Have you dropped an E? I just
realised that life's beautiful
and we need to let love into our
hearts. He's found God!
Even worse!
Mrs Klebb?
Present.
The parents don't want to know about
your partner's irritable bowel
syndrome.
It's actually got a lot worse.
This morning I had to give Frieda
a manual evacuation.
Too much information.
Miss, um...?
Postern.
QUIETLY: I'm beginning to think...
Sorry, what did you say?
Er, nothing.
No, no, no, you said something,
so share it with the group.
Well, I said I am beginning to think
you are forgetting my name
on purpose.
Would I do that? Miss, um...?
Postern.
You should know, dear,
that last parents' evening,
I received numerous complaints
about your choice of attire.
Excuse me?
Many mothers said you were "dolled
up like a Parisian prostitute."
Well, I'm sorry, I'm not...
I'm not having that.
It is every woman's right
to dress as she chooses
and if all the dads keep ogling my
chest, that really isn't my fault.
Well, they will look
if you flop them out on the table.
MR MARTIN: I'm not going to be there.
What?
It's wrong. The whole concept
of parents' evening is wrong.
We work so hard to get the trust of
these kids
and then what do we go and do?
We grass them up to their folks.
No, I won't be a part of it.
Also, it's the same night as
Bake Off.
Oh, what, Bake Off's on?
The lemon meringue pie last week...
ALL TALK AT ONCE
Will you please all shut up
about the sodding Bake Off!
Well, let's put it to a vote.
Hands up if you think we should
cancel parents' evening.
Fortunately, Mr Martin,
this school is not a democracy -
it is a dictatorship -
so you will all be there
without fail.
Don't mind me. Just doing the bins.
So, the parents will arrive at
seven.
Parents' evening, is it?
Yes.
Oh, great! I can't wait.
All of us making a night of it,
popping down the pub for a couple
of pints and a good chinwag later.
Mr Barber, your presence
will not be required.
Oh, yes, er...
Of course, er...
I just do the manual work.
I forgot.
Oh, hey, I could still set up
a little caretaker stall...
give the mums and dads advice on how
best to get shoes out of trees,
if you like?
Me no like.
Yes.
Got it.
Just get on with the bins, Gareth,
else you'll make things worse than
they already are.
LIQUID DRIPS FROM BIN
Oh!
Now I've got bin juice all
over the shop!
Come on, Gareth, come on, come on.
Let's get you back to your shed.
You couldn't give me a hand
with some leaves, could you?
Course I will, chuck.
Well, it would've been kinder
to have had him put down.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Penalty!
What?!
He wasn't even near the ball!
You off! Ball.
Ryan's taking it.
What?!
Come on.
BOYS GRUMBLE
I don't know what to do, sir.
Of course you do.
All right, it's football,
it's in your genes.
All you've got to do is pick
your spot
and don't change your mind.
Imagine, it's the World Cup final,
yeah?
The whole country is behind you.
They're all chanting your name -
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!
Go on, son, make me proud.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Don't move!
Yes!
ALL COMPLAIN
Yes!
Give me an oosh! Oosh!
PUPIL: To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...
..or to take arms against...
Next!
All right?
Can I help you?
You don't mind
if I sit in on this one, do you?
I didn't have you down
as a Shakespeare fan.
Oh, yeah, massive.
I've read all his plays.
Really? Which is your favourite?
King...
..Kong.
OK.
Right, so, remember, this is the
most dramatic moment of the play,
the most famous speech
in the history of theatre.
Prince Hamlet is contemplating
whether to live or die.
And begin.
DEADPAN: To be or not to be,
that is the question,
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to
suffer
the springs and arrows of out...
..outrageous fortune or...or to take
arms against a sea of troubles
and by opposing...
end them.
Finished.
Boom!
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
There's your Hamlet.
Your alphabet's wrong.
Trevor, what an unexpected, er...
What do you want?
No, nothing.
Just relax, it's just a social call,
Churchy.
It's about Ryan's test paper.
It's 31%.
Yes? You must've marked it wrong,
the boy's a genius.
Well, I wouldn't say he's a genius.
What is H2O?
He's written "fruit drink."
Why does this matter to you?
I see a lot of myself in that boy
and believe it or not, I wasn't all
that academical myself at school.
I do believe that.
Go on, Churchy, give him an extra
mark.
If I do, will you immediately
leave my classroom?
Yes. Hm, 32%.
Boom!
I'm telling you, Churchy, that boy's
got the potential to go all the way,
to Cambridge even.
Hmm. On a coach trip, maybe.
BLOWER WHOOSHES
Mr Barber, what are you doing?
What?
What are you doing?
SWITCHES BLOWER OFF
What are you doing?
It's a pre-emptive strike.
What? Blow the leaves off the tree
before they fall,
beat them at their own game.
Perhaps you should concentrate
on the leaves on the ground.
But where do you think
they come from?
HE RESTARTS BLOWER
Goodbye, Mr Barber.
How are you finding, er...
..fatherhood?
What?
Fatherhood!
Oh, it's the best thing I ever did,
spreading the Gunn seed.
I'm actually eating.
I just hope I can pass on
all my knowledge to him.
Oh, well, it shouldn't take too
long. Yeah.
I mean, it's hard to explain
to somebody who doesn't have kids.
Not really because I have two cats,
Jules et Jim, so I think I know
what it's like to be a mother.
It's not really the same though,
is it? Well, you wouldn't know
because you don't have cats.
Can I ask which boy it is?
No, I can't tell you.
He don't know himself yet, so it
wouldn't be fair on the lad.
Yeah. Yeah.
You could tell me though.
No. Well, you could cos I
wouldn't tell anyone.
No.
No, I understand.
Is it Kieran?
No.
Is it Tyler?
No. Is it Abdul?
It wouldn't be Abdul, would it?
Is it Ryan?
I didn't know Ryan was here.
Ryan!
Give us an oosh!
Oosh! Oosh!
It's Ryan, isn't it?
Yeah.
Bollocks.
Oh, I'm fine with the test tubes,
thank you, Jo.
Oh, hello, Sarah.
Oh, I'm sorry, is this
not a good time?
Oh, no, Jo was just leaving us.
Would you mind leaving, Jo?
Thank you, Jo.
Ohh!
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Well, I'm glad you popped by
because I wanted to talk to you
about Fair Trade week.
Keith, you can't expect me to care
about the price of bananas
with everything that's going on
at the moment.
What is going on?
I can't tell you.
You can't tell me?
It's a secret.
Oh. So, whatever you do, please
don't ask me to talk about it
because I simply can't.
Well, I thought we could do an
assembly together
comparing the prices of a coffee...
I just feel like I'm stuck
right in the middle between a really
difficult situation.
What situation?
I can't say.
It's about Trevor.
I've said too much already.
Did he try and touch you?
Yes, but that's not it.
Well, I can't really help
unless I know what it is.
Then guess. You can guess,
I mean, I won't say anything.
I'll just nod my head
if you're getting warmer
and I'll shake my head
if you're getting colder.
Well, um...
He's got a secret love child
at the school.
So someone actually let him...?
Yes!
I mean, it's hard to believe,
I know, but, yes.
Who is this love child?
Well, that I can't tell you.
I understand.
It's Ryan.
Beatboxing masterclass,
Luke Martin on the mic, here we go.
HE BEATBOXES
Boots and cats! Boots and cats!
We're into it one time,
great big school coming at ya!
CONTINUES BEATBOXING
MC Nicholas, drop it.
Dum de dum...
Back to me.
CONTINUES BEATBOXING
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
Homework in first thing tomorrow,
please.
Oh, hi, Keith.
Oh!
It's not easy having a secret.
Is it about Ryan being
Trevor's love child?
Who told you? Sarah. When? Just
before this lesson.
Well, she told me at the end of
lunch
so I knew a good 45 minutes
before you.
Amazing anyone would actually let
him... Yes.
Of course, it's very important
no-one else knows.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Haven't told anyone, have you?
No, no, not really, just Klebb...
Baron, Hubble and Jo. You?
Mentioned it to the man who popped
in to change the ink
in the photocopier.
Other than that, not a soul.
So no-one's told Barber?
Gareth!
Gareth!
Gareth!
Gareth!
Mr Gunn has got...
..a love child.
Gareth's got a love child!
In your face!
Hello, Sarah.
I just wondered if after parents'
evening tonight,
you fancied going for a drink?
Do you want to have children?
I'm sorry?
Do you want to have children?
Well, can we just see
how the drink goes first?
It's just this whole thing with
Trevor
has got me questioning
everything.
I mean, I am a woman
who has always put my career first,
that's why I'm one of the top
French teachers in the county.
In the whole of the South-East.
But...I've been thinking...
..and what would really make me
happy is...if I had a baby.
Well, if it's a baby you're after...
I know how they're made.
I would hope so, you're 44.
Not clear on all the small print,
but I know the headlines.
Oh, Keith...
have we both left it too late?
Well, I haven't.
Are you saying I have?
No, no!
Not at all, I mean,
how old are you, 40...?
Around 40. Around 40, well...you
have a small window.
No, I've got a big window.
I've been thinking I'd really love
to have a baby girl.
Or a boy.
Called Amelie.
Nigel. I'd raise her in a run-down
old farmhouse in Provence.
Guildford.
She'd grow up to be an artist. With
a science degree to fall back on.
She'd be a good mother.
She'd give me seven grandchildren.
Well, that would make Christmas
very pricey,
plus even a trip to Chessington
World of Adventures,
we'd have to hire a minibus.
SHE SIGHS
We'll not bother with that drink,
shall we?
How are you feeling, Trevor?
Anxious, nervous, tense?
It's just going to be so tough,
you know,
coming face to face with
Ryan's, um...
dad. Yes, well,
what's best for Ryan
is that it is still secret.
Yeah.
You haven't told anyone, have you?
No, no, no, no.
Of course not.
It's going to be awkward
for you tonight, isn't it, Trevor?
What? Hope it goes all right with
Ryan's dad.
You've only got yourself to blame.
Not you as well!
Sorry, just to say,
the photocopier's up and running,
and good luck with Ryan's dad.
Who told him?
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION
If I can have a bit of quiet,
please?
I can still hear people chattering
about Mr Gunn's love child.
Let us not forget, tonight is an
important showcase for the school,
so let's all work together
and give it 100%.
I wish I could stay,
but it's nearly time for Bake Off.
He's got quite a sense of humour,
your lad,
always making up funny names for me
the Nerd, Mr Moobs,
Bellend.
Can you please ask him to stop?
It's actually very hurtful.
Kelly needs to work
on her pronunciation.
Sorry, I'm up here, not down here.
Please stop looking at these.
The service here is very slow,
they haven't even brought us a menu!
If Tom really wants to make it
in the music biz, he's got to
change his attitude. He really needs
to start bunking off lessons.
When it comes to A levels, I don't
think he should take chemistry
or any other subject
he can't spell the name of.
Alesha should not drop drama,
drama is a hugely important subject,
plus you can get a C
for just turning up.
Not that she'd need that...at all.
Regardez le visage!
Ne parlez hooters!
You'd think they'd at least bring us
some breadsticks.
I'm going to...
HE BEATBOXES
I didn't cast Connor in the
production
because I've always seen Hamlet
as a little Chinese girl.
Is anyone having a starter?
Or are we all going
straight to the main course?
ROOM GOES QUIET
So, um, you must be, er...
Ryan's, um...
Dad.
Yeah.
Course you are, mate.
So, how's he getting on?
Brilliant.
So proud of him.
Really?
He's always struggled with sports.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
the kid's world-class.
I mean, I'd bet money on him...
captaining England one day.
Well, it's great you believe in him
so much.
Ryan is always talking about Mr
Gunn, isn't he?
Yeah, you're his favourite.
Am I?
What does he say about me?
Just that you've been really looking
out for him, so cheers for that.
Yeah, and thank you for, um...
for all you've done too.
Yeah...um, is there anything
Ryan can do better?
No.
He's perfect.
OK, well, we'd better go and see
that tarty French teacher now.
No, stop!
I can't live this lie any longer.
There's something
I've got to tell you.
What?
Oh, Trevor, don't do this.
I have to, babes.
It's...it's eating me up inside.
I'm Ryan's...
real...
LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES
Turn it off, turn it off!
Mr Barber, you know
you're not meant to be here.
Just dealing with a rogue leaf.
Evening, everybody.
Nice to see so many friendly
faces again.
I don't know if you all know, but...
I went through a very dark patch...
bit of a breakdown,
a biggie.
Not able to teach any more.
Just...
dealing with leaves...leaves these
days.
All right, Gareth.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Let's get you back to your shed.
What was it you were going to say?
Eh?
Oh...
You know, I'm Ryan's...real...
..PE teacher.
And his dad.
What?
Why would anyone think
you're Ryan's dad?
Because of, you know,
what you and me done...
13 years ago.
What we did that night
can't make you pregnant.
Yeah, I knew that.
You told me you'd been with some
wrong 'uns before me, but seriously?
This geezer's off the scale!
Look, no, hang on,
he can't be Ryan's real dad.
He's not, Ryan's adopted.
Sorry, can I get a bit of quiet,
please?
Something very important's happened,
I've just this moment heard,
Jillian's custard tarts were too
soggy.
She's out of the Bake Off.
DISAPPOINTED GROANS
Sir?
All right?
What do you want? I'm on my break.
I just wanted to give you this.
"Mr Gunn...
"Thanks for being the best PE teacher
in the world.
"Love, Ryan.
"PS...
"Oosh!"
Ofsted?
I hear we've got a visit coming
from those Ofsted bastards.
Great teachers have nothing to fear
from an inspection.
True, so I suggest
you take the day off sick.
What do we normally do?
Wash your car.
All go down the chippy?
I'm not a bad teacher.
Oh, no, no, no,
you're an abominable one.
Who are you calling amobidable?
Le bingo. Why didn't I hear any
numbers, miss?
- Well, they were all in French.
- You should've said.
This is a disaster. If Ms Steele
finds the drugs, we're finished.
I would like to make
a donation to Ofsted.
Do you think you can corrupt me
with money? No.
- That's a career ender.
- Well, don't say that.
DAPHNE: Headmistress, she hasn't
seen me.
She's seen me.
♪ When I think about the days
There is something of a haze about it
♪ Though we're not the same
Let's not break the chain
♪ We should play this game
together. ♪