Big School (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
As the new term starts Gareth, following a nervous breakdown, comes back as caretaker, Luke Martin leaves for a pop music career, which proves to be disastrously short-lived, and Gunn is teaching geography, which he can hardly pronounce. Sarah is organizing a careers day but since Keith stood her up by mistake by going to the wrong restaurant for their date she relegates him to a small part in a humiliating role play. However he gets back into her good books by comforting her after her guest speaker, Fenella Forbes, a children's author with whom she went to college, makes her feel inferior by bragging about her success.
Morning, Sarah! First day back.
Can I offer you a lift?
No, thanks, Keith, it's quite near.
Still, be quicker in the car.
Hop in.
Pop your seat belt on.
And here we are.
Thank you for the lift.
Sarah, I just wanted to say,
it's a shame our dinner over
the holidays didn't work out.
It's not nice for a woman to
be stood up.
I didn't stand you up.
Who could've known the town
had two Bella Italias?
I did give you the address.
Yes, but I saw
a Bella Italia in the town square
and presumed you'd got the address
wrong. I didn't get it wrong.
Well, you could've got it wrong.
But I didn't get it wrong.
You got it wrong.
So, did you enjoy your meal?
Of course I didn't! I wasn't going
to sit there on my own all night!
Yes, I just had the bread and dips
while I was waiting.
Then I had the spaghetti carbonara
followed by the tiramisu.
After the cheese selection,
I assumed you weren't coming,
so I just had a coffee and some
of those little almond biscuits.
Sounds like you had a very
nice evening(!)
Yes, and it was very reasonably
priced. We should go again.
Same restaurant or separate ones?
Same one this time.
Hmm. We'll see.
Well done, all! See you in September!
Notice anything different about me
today, babes?
Are you wearing deodorant?
No, it's my natural musk.
Here, look.
Tie, shirt.
Oh - what's this?!
Oh, yes, you're reading a book.
Yeah, and why's that?
Cos I'm going up in the world,
babes. I'm not just the PE teacher
any more. No, no, from today
I'm also teaching joegraffy.
Geography. Here, look.
Who knew clouds were
full of rain? Oosh!
Oh!
Excuse me, Jo.
So...what happened to Gareth?
Haven't you heard?
Barber's gone mental.
You can't say that any more.
Yes. He had a nervous episode.
Which made him go mental.
I think the pressure of teaching
finally got to him.
And I shouldn't say this,
but they found him
crawling round the playing fields
at night, naked from the waist down.
Thank you, Janine, that is
not a pleasant image.
He had a soil thermometer
wedged into his...
That's enough. Some of us
are trying to enjoy a biscuit.
Poor, poor Gareth.
I know we'll all miss
seeing his smiley face in here.
Morning.
Let me speak to him.
I'm sorry?
Let me speak to him.
I'm sorry?
- Let me speak to him.
Oh, right, yeah.
Hello, Gareth.
All right.
How are you?
Fine.
How's your lunacy?
Shut up, Keith!
You're being very insensitive!
You're such a rude woman.
I said shut up!
Now, Gareth...
hmm, there's no easy way to put this,
but you're not a teacher here
any more.
I know.
If anyone's making a cup of tea,
I'll have one. Eight sugars.
Right, let me have a crack.
Oi! Fruit loop! YOU, you don't
work HERE, any more!
Eesh!
I do. I'm the new caretaker.
Oh! Good for you!
That's wonderful news, Gareth.
Cheers.
Polite note - they are teacher
biscuits. Not for maintenance staff.
So, a very big Greybridge welcome to
all the new pupils
who have joined us this year.
As your headmistress, I offer you
one word of friendly advice -
cross me and I will destroy you.
Miss, um...
Postern. Been here a year.
You asked for it, you got it!
School disco, miss?
Uh-uh-uh. Paintballing?
Uh-uh-uh. No more French lessons?
No. This Friday, I have
organised a careers day!
So I'll be pulling together
a careers posse
and we will be running
workshops in the morning,
and in the afternoon,
the big finale -
a special celebrity
guest is going to be
coming in and
talking to us about their career.
Is it Will Smith? No.
Is it Jay-Z? No.
Katy Perry?
It's someone quite well-known
but not as well-known as that.
Rihanna?
Can I just say,
lower your expectations.
So, I hope to see you all at
three o'clock on Friday.
Is it Kim Kardashian?
Please stop.
Is it one of
the Kardashians? No!
Better not be Justin Bieber.
It's not Justin Bieber.
My brother's mate reckons they saw
Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.
Is it Nicki Minaj, miss?
It's not Nicki Minaj, no.
I'm going to just tell you
who it is.
It is - drum roll please -
Fenella Forbes.
Who?
She's an author.
Whitney the Witch?
Whitney the Witch Casts a Spell?
Aww... Whitney the Witch and
the Cat of Aznabar?
We were at college together,
and she's very kindly agreed to come
and speak to you guys.
Now, I'm going to hand you over
to your music teacher,
Mr Martin, who has some very
exciting news about his own career.
Cheers.
So...
over the holidays I've recorded my
debut single. And, er...
Cheers, yeah.
And, er, it's out today
on a little website you might have
heard of, called iTune.
Ooh.
It's going to be big.
So, let's face it - probably going to
be my last week here...
Keep it together, Luke.
Anyway, the song is called,
quite simply... Soar.
That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E.
Or S-A-W.
Bit weird to write
a song about a saw.
Or any kind of tool, really.
OK, let's do this.
♪ I see the same old faces every day
♪ Every time I look,
they're getting old and grey
♪ Well, it's a dead-end
job in a dead-end place
♪ And my life is not going
to go to waste!
♪ I'm going to soar
♪ Grow my wings
and fly and I'm going to soar
♪ Burn my suit and tie
and I'm going to soar
♪ Wave these suckers goodbye,
I'm going to soar
♪ Bye-bye
♪ Bye-bye. ♪
Bye-bye.
Whoo!
Morning. Is she in?
Is who in?
The headmistress.
Right, yeah.
In where?
In the office. Probably! Unless she's
just climbed out the window again.
Don't come in.
Morning, headmistress.
Oh, it's you. Let me finish my tea.
Just doing the bins.
Ah.
Half a sticky bun in there.
Are you not having it? No!
It's been there since last term!
It's a bit dry.
Anyway, I just wanted to say...
Do you mind if I sit?
Yes, I do mind.
I just wanted to say a big thanks
for giving me a second chance
after my...interlude.
Well, sadly, these days one can't
sack someone for going...
No. No. Else I'd have been
out of a job years ago. Mmm.
I won't lie to you, headmistress,
I've been going through
a tough time of it.
I think it all started...
Would you mind having this
conversation outside?
Of course.
It all started
when the wife changed the locks.
She sold all my stuff on eBay
and forced me
to live in a caravan at the bottom
of the garden.
Right, Gunn's in the house!
There's a lot of different classrooms
in this school, ain't there?
Right...joegraffy.
Rain comes down
from the clouds, turns into sea.
Wind blows it back up again -
water cycle. Boom!
Right, what else
do you need to know for your CGCSEs?
Mr Barber was going to teach us
about the Ice Age.
Right, the Ice Age. Ice Age...
A while back, weren't it?
Nippy. It's a lot of black ice -
that's lethal.
I mean, that's what killed
the dinosaurs.
You don't know anything about it,
do you, sir? I do, actually!
Hang on a minute, I'll have
a little, um, little think.
Ahem. Ice Age.
Right - it's a sloth, a woolly
mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger,
all team up in a... No, hang on,
that's not right.
Right, the Ice Age was a
period of reduced...
..global temperature
resulting in the expansion
of polar ice sheets and glaceers.
There you go, nailed it!
Eh? Come on then, throw
another one at me!
Thanks for coming. See you again.
Knock-knock-knock!
You all right, babes? Oh, look at
you! You look like a proper teacher.
No, I am a proper teacher.
This is my classroom.
Do you want a quick tour? Yeah.
Coastal erosion.
That's an oxbow lake...
Mm, yeah!
Cross section of a Babybel.
Yeah...
You at all interested in the Ice Age?
Not especially.
Of all the ages, it's, er,
it's probably my favourite.
Hmm. It's a bit boring.
I just wondered
if you wouldn't mind
putting up one of my posters
in your classroom?
No, of course, babes.
"Which Way Now?"
Yeah, you know, just thought
I'd brand the day.
Hopefully get it trending on
Twitter. #sarahposternswhichwaynow.
Yeah.
No, I mean,
I'd be up for one of your workshops.
You? Well, yeah.
Well, um, actually nobody has
put their name down for
the CV workshop.
Well, you count me in.
I'd love to learn about CVs.
Yeah, teaching it.
Oh, you know, no, I knew that.
Er, Sarah, can I have a word?
I'm right here. In private.
Yeah, no, it's fine, cos, um...
cos I've got some joegraffy
marking to do.
What is it, Keith?
I just feel I should be doing
the CV workshop with you.
It's too late,
I've already asked Trevor.
I want to be part of your careers
posse! If you're doing this
to get back into my good books...
No, no, I genuinely think
what you're doing with this careers
day is inspirational.
Well, teaching is just a tiny
part of what Sarah Postern does.
You are Sarah Postern.
I know.
These kids are at a crossroads.
Do they carry on with
their education,
or do they go and get a job?
It's more of a T-junction.
But if there's anything
I can do to help on Friday,
anything at all, just let me know.
Well...
I still need someone to take part in
the job interview role play...
Yes!..with Janine. No! Why?
You know her and I don't get on.
I try and take the moral high
ground, but she is a total cow!
Right, just forget it, Keith, OK?
I will find somebody else
to help me.
Someone who actually cares
about these young people's futures.
Please come in.
Stop. Now, I didn't tell him
to sit down.
And in a job interview,
that would be a complete no-no.
Please go out
and come back in again.
He didn't close the door.
Come in! I hadn't knocked yet -
obviously that's a complete no-no.
If you're interviewing someone
for a job,
you have to wait for them
to knock.
Come in.
Sit down.
Good afternoon. I'm here about
the job. Which job?
I don't know.
An even bigger no-no.
Always know
which job you've applied for.
You never told me what job it was!
She never told me.
Let's just say this is a bank
and you're applying
for the position of bank clerk.
Tell me, what qualities do you have
that would be suited
to the role of bank clerk?
Well, I'm equally comfortable
working as an individual
or as part of a team...
Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Excuse me.
Hello, this is the bank,
how can I help you?
No! Dead?!
Oh, but I only saw her this morning!
Well...
she'll sleep with the angels now.
So, do you have any previous
experience of working in a bank?
Yes. Do you? Yes.
What experience exactly?
I've actually been working in banks
for the past 25 years,
where I've risen to the
position of bank manager.
In fact, I've been voted
Bank Manager of the Year
for the past five years running.
Well, then you are overqualified
for the job, good day!
Right, let's end the scene there,
shall we? Thank you both very much.
Your thoughts. Where do you think
Mr Church went wrong?
I didn't go wrong, it was clear from
the start I was
never going to get the job. Miss, I
think he made a bad first impression.
Yes, we've covered that, thank you.
Also, I think he's got
an attitude problem, miss.
A bad attitude is the biggest no-no.
Well, you try it with her!
See how you get on.
OK.
Come in!
Please sit down.
Good afternoon.
You've got the job!
Heard you ballsed up
your workshop, Churchy.
No. I should have got that job.
Poor Sarah.
Pours her heart
and soul into this careers...
thingy, then you come along
and take a giant dump on it.
If anyone's going to take
a giant...
deposit on today, it's you
and your CV workshop.
I bet you don't even know what
CV stands for.
Yeah, I do.
Go on, then.
I'm going to go and get some dinner,
going to run out of chips. No.
Well, obviously the C stands
for "careers". Go on.
V... Verdict... No.
Voucher. Vasectomy.
Careers vasectomy?
That's your final answer?
Can I phone a friend?
It's curriculum vitae.
I don't speak French.
Just an autograph or a selfie.
Sorry there's not time to do both.
Selfie or autograph?
Actually, I just need to get
to my locker.
Cool, cool. Just getting shizzle
out of a locker.
Keeping it real. Fist bump.
OK, come on, get out of his way,
get out of his way!
Wow, Mr Rock Star!
Yeah, to be honest this is
the part of it I really hate.
The fame. Yeah, that's the reason
I don't want to become famous -
the fame.
Yeah, you're best off how you are.
Completely anonymous.
Tell that to my
78 Twitter followers.
So, as it's your last day today,
I have organised
a little drinks party for you in
the staff room at four o'clock.
Yeah, yeah, I'll try and swing by.
It's a party for you.
What time is it again and where? It's
at four o'clock in the staff room.
Hmm...put me down as a maybe.
Well, it'll be
a teensy bit embarrassing
for me if you don't come!
Yes, but
I'm quite famous now,
so I don't know if I want to come.
But it is a party for you!
OK, but I can't stay long.
Thank you!
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah, see you later.
Are you all right there, Mr Hubble?
These kippers are off.
Oi! Lads!
Oh, hello, caretaker.
I'm starving. Haven't eaten since
Tuesday, and that was a conker.
Could I borrow some of those
fish fingers?
I've got none left.
Keith, please. I'm going to faint.
Just dunk it in the ketchup.
Careful of my fingers!
I'm ready for the next one now.
Right!
It's time for my session with Sarah.
Er, maybe I should come
and supervise.
Hang on, I haven't had dessert yet.
First rule of CVs -
don't be afraid to lie.
Oh, sorry -
didn't want to stop you so soon...
Just as I was getting going, babes.
Mmm, just a small correction.
You must never lie on a CV. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. No, no, you don't lie.
But, I mean, you can
knock your grades up a little bit.
OK. Stop you again.
You must definitely never
"knock your grades up a bit".
Why not?
Because it's wrong...
and employers can check up on them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
Sorry, are you sure?
I'm sure.
Bollocks. No, I'll say it was a typo.
Anyway, at the end of the day, it
don't matter what your grades are.
The most important thing is
you got a good hobby.
Not a boring one.
So, you, what's your hobby?
I play the violin.
No, that's boring. What about you?
Astronomy.
So boring. What about you?
I collect coins. We've all got
change, mate, that's not a hobby.
But mine
are from all around the world.
Well, get yourself down to Thomas
Cook and they'll change 'em for you.
We need something exciting, something
that'll get you a job!
What you put down, babes, modelling?
Oh.
Well, that's kind, but, um, no.
You must've been quite fit when you
were younger? Still am young.
Er...what did I put down?
Well, obviously, my extensive
charity work, er...French cinema.
Blueys?
Art house films.
And I also put down that
I speak five languages.
Do you? Yeah!
All right, which ones?
English.
Well, yeah, obviously.
French.
Hmm. That's two.
Spanish.
German. And...
Chinese.
You speak Chinese?
Yes, it says so on my CV.
Go on, then - do a bit.
Right. So it's all right
to lie a bit.
So! To bring careers day to a close,
we now have a very special guest.
We were at teacher training college
together, but she took
a different path to me and she now
writes very successful books
for children...
Young adults.
Young adults.
Selling over two million...
Three million.
Three million books, please give
a very big Greybridge welcome
to Fenella Forbes!
Thanks for that little intro,
Susan. Sarah.
Oh, sorry, there were two
ginger ones at college
and I can never remember
which one's which.
Well, Susan was the fat one.
Fatter, yeah.
So, first question.
What does it take to be a successful
chil... Young adults' author?
Very simple - an original idea.
And what was yours?
A school for witches.
Hmm. It's quite similar to
Harry Potter.
That's a school for wizards.
Mine's a school for witches.
Oh, forgive me.
Question two - how did you
get your big break as a writer?
Because a lot of it is luck,
isn't it?
I always say you make your own luck.
That's what lucky people say.
Well, my father-in-law ran a
publishing company... Lucky!
He had a look and he said it was -
in his own words -
the most original debut novel
he'd ever read.
Obviously hadn't heard of
Harry Potter.
And the rest, as they say, is
history. The Second World War
is history, this is really just a
series of books for children.
Young adults. Children.
Are we going to
get on with the
book signing or...?
No. Question three - how much money
do you get for each book sold?
Er, it's not
about the money at all,
it's about doing something you love.
£1 a book? Bit more than that.
That's obscene.
So there you are, kids,
money isn't important,
according to the multi-millionaire.
So, let's open it up
to your questions.
Yes? In your next book,
will Whitney the Witch get eaten
by the Dragon Headmistress?
The only way you'll find out
is by buying the book.
Whitney's not going to be
killed off, Nicholas,
not until every penny of your pocket
money is in her bank account.
Next!
So will there ever be
a Whitney the Witch film?
I think we'd all love to see Whitney
on the big screen, wouldn't we?
- Yeah.
Hmm, you certainly would -
buy yourself a well-earned yacht.
Anyone else?
Could I borrow £72,000?
Well, let's...
Let's just wrap up, shall we?
I do have one final question.
Well, let's make it the last one.
Fenella, we both trained together
but I just wondered,
do you ever regret
not becoming a teacher?
Well...
Uh-uh-uh, let me finish.
Because every day in my job,
I get to shape
young people's lives for the better.
Well, that's... Shh. Ahem.
And what could be more
important than that?
Your answer, please.
Well, it's interesting you say that,
because sometimes,
I do feel that being a teacher is
the most important job you can do.
Thank you.
But then I think - what I do is
so much more important.
Because I shape the lives of young
people, but on a global scale.
Right, let's sign some books.
Are you all right, Sarah?
Oh. It's just been a difficult day.
Luke's leaving us to become
a pop star.
Someone I was at teacher training
college with
now has a Chanel handbag.
And where am I?
I mean, all day it's been
"Sarah Postern's Which Way Now?",
but it should've been
"Which way now, Sarah Postern?"
You are Sarah Postern. I know.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads...
a T-junction.
Should I carry on teaching...
or should I write a bestselling
series of children's novels?
Carry on teaching.
Well...
..I suppose I do have this gift for
it. You really do.
Plus, I think you'd find
writing the
bestselling series of children's
novels quite hard.
But I know if you left,
you'd leave a massive hole in the
hearts of everyone at Greybridge.
Especially me.
Thank you, Keith.
Hey! What are we all crying about?
♪ I see the same old faces
every day
♪ Every time I look,
they're getting old and grey... ♪
'Scuse me, Jo.
♪ I'm going to soar... ♪
Yeah, I've been loving
this careers day, Sarah.
Oh, good. That's good.
It's given me
a clear idea of what I'd like to be.
What's that?
A wacky weatherman.
I think I'd be very good at cheering
people up in the morning.
Good luck with that.
Er, I have to go and mingle.
Oh, Miss Baron!
How wonderful that you're here,
I really didn't expect you to come.
Sadly, I can't stay.
Hello, Daphne.
Hi, Sarah. Shame you're leaving us.
I know the headmistress
can't stand you,
but I've always quite liked you.
It's actually Luke's leaving party.
Oh, right.
That's a shame, she likes him.
Oh, here's the pop star!
Can we not do the voice any more?
It's quite annoying. Yeah.
Look, I just wanted to say good
luck with everything.
And don't forget all your friends
here at Greybridge!
Never forget the little people.
And... I've got to take this,
it's my manager.
Should have a chart update.
Shh! It's his manager
with a chart update!
Django! What's up?
No, just at some crappy party.
So, er, how's Soar doing?
Nine?! Oh, my God, we have a pop star
at the party!
He is number nine in the charts!
No. No, no... I've, um...
sold nine copies.
Django, what happened?!
I gave you £700!
Right, we'll see you on Monday
morning then...Barry Barlow.
Nine copies. I know.
What a disaster.
Still, it's really perked me up.
Got your stratas.
And your big one there, they're
just called big clouds.
We have a new teacher. And, yes,
he just happens to be blind.
It's Keith Church. Hi.
And I'm in the dining hall.
Yes, I realise that.
We all call her Piggy Postern
because she has an upturned
nose like a pig.
Do you mind if I just...?
I think we should see Dr Dalton
for what he is -
a cool teacher who just
happens to be blind.
- Visually impaired.
- Visually impaired.
Just ease it backwards.
Bugger.
♪ When I think about the days
there is something of a haze about it
♪ No, we're not the same
♪ But let's not break the chain
♪ We should play
this game together. ♪
Can I offer you a lift?
No, thanks, Keith, it's quite near.
Still, be quicker in the car.
Hop in.
Pop your seat belt on.
And here we are.
Thank you for the lift.
Sarah, I just wanted to say,
it's a shame our dinner over
the holidays didn't work out.
It's not nice for a woman to
be stood up.
I didn't stand you up.
Who could've known the town
had two Bella Italias?
I did give you the address.
Yes, but I saw
a Bella Italia in the town square
and presumed you'd got the address
wrong. I didn't get it wrong.
Well, you could've got it wrong.
But I didn't get it wrong.
You got it wrong.
So, did you enjoy your meal?
Of course I didn't! I wasn't going
to sit there on my own all night!
Yes, I just had the bread and dips
while I was waiting.
Then I had the spaghetti carbonara
followed by the tiramisu.
After the cheese selection,
I assumed you weren't coming,
so I just had a coffee and some
of those little almond biscuits.
Sounds like you had a very
nice evening(!)
Yes, and it was very reasonably
priced. We should go again.
Same restaurant or separate ones?
Same one this time.
Hmm. We'll see.
Well done, all! See you in September!
Notice anything different about me
today, babes?
Are you wearing deodorant?
No, it's my natural musk.
Here, look.
Tie, shirt.
Oh - what's this?!
Oh, yes, you're reading a book.
Yeah, and why's that?
Cos I'm going up in the world,
babes. I'm not just the PE teacher
any more. No, no, from today
I'm also teaching joegraffy.
Geography. Here, look.
Who knew clouds were
full of rain? Oosh!
Oh!
Excuse me, Jo.
So...what happened to Gareth?
Haven't you heard?
Barber's gone mental.
You can't say that any more.
Yes. He had a nervous episode.
Which made him go mental.
I think the pressure of teaching
finally got to him.
And I shouldn't say this,
but they found him
crawling round the playing fields
at night, naked from the waist down.
Thank you, Janine, that is
not a pleasant image.
He had a soil thermometer
wedged into his...
That's enough. Some of us
are trying to enjoy a biscuit.
Poor, poor Gareth.
I know we'll all miss
seeing his smiley face in here.
Morning.
Let me speak to him.
I'm sorry?
Let me speak to him.
I'm sorry?
- Let me speak to him.
Oh, right, yeah.
Hello, Gareth.
All right.
How are you?
Fine.
How's your lunacy?
Shut up, Keith!
You're being very insensitive!
You're such a rude woman.
I said shut up!
Now, Gareth...
hmm, there's no easy way to put this,
but you're not a teacher here
any more.
I know.
If anyone's making a cup of tea,
I'll have one. Eight sugars.
Right, let me have a crack.
Oi! Fruit loop! YOU, you don't
work HERE, any more!
Eesh!
I do. I'm the new caretaker.
Oh! Good for you!
That's wonderful news, Gareth.
Cheers.
Polite note - they are teacher
biscuits. Not for maintenance staff.
So, a very big Greybridge welcome to
all the new pupils
who have joined us this year.
As your headmistress, I offer you
one word of friendly advice -
cross me and I will destroy you.
Miss, um...
Postern. Been here a year.
You asked for it, you got it!
School disco, miss?
Uh-uh-uh. Paintballing?
Uh-uh-uh. No more French lessons?
No. This Friday, I have
organised a careers day!
So I'll be pulling together
a careers posse
and we will be running
workshops in the morning,
and in the afternoon,
the big finale -
a special celebrity
guest is going to be
coming in and
talking to us about their career.
Is it Will Smith? No.
Is it Jay-Z? No.
Katy Perry?
It's someone quite well-known
but not as well-known as that.
Rihanna?
Can I just say,
lower your expectations.
So, I hope to see you all at
three o'clock on Friday.
Is it Kim Kardashian?
Please stop.
Is it one of
the Kardashians? No!
Better not be Justin Bieber.
It's not Justin Bieber.
My brother's mate reckons they saw
Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.
Is it Nicki Minaj, miss?
It's not Nicki Minaj, no.
I'm going to just tell you
who it is.
It is - drum roll please -
Fenella Forbes.
Who?
She's an author.
Whitney the Witch?
Whitney the Witch Casts a Spell?
Aww... Whitney the Witch and
the Cat of Aznabar?
We were at college together,
and she's very kindly agreed to come
and speak to you guys.
Now, I'm going to hand you over
to your music teacher,
Mr Martin, who has some very
exciting news about his own career.
Cheers.
So...
over the holidays I've recorded my
debut single. And, er...
Cheers, yeah.
And, er, it's out today
on a little website you might have
heard of, called iTune.
Ooh.
It's going to be big.
So, let's face it - probably going to
be my last week here...
Keep it together, Luke.
Anyway, the song is called,
quite simply... Soar.
That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E.
Or S-A-W.
Bit weird to write
a song about a saw.
Or any kind of tool, really.
OK, let's do this.
♪ I see the same old faces every day
♪ Every time I look,
they're getting old and grey
♪ Well, it's a dead-end
job in a dead-end place
♪ And my life is not going
to go to waste!
♪ I'm going to soar
♪ Grow my wings
and fly and I'm going to soar
♪ Burn my suit and tie
and I'm going to soar
♪ Wave these suckers goodbye,
I'm going to soar
♪ Bye-bye
♪ Bye-bye. ♪
Bye-bye.
Whoo!
Morning. Is she in?
Is who in?
The headmistress.
Right, yeah.
In where?
In the office. Probably! Unless she's
just climbed out the window again.
Don't come in.
Morning, headmistress.
Oh, it's you. Let me finish my tea.
Just doing the bins.
Ah.
Half a sticky bun in there.
Are you not having it? No!
It's been there since last term!
It's a bit dry.
Anyway, I just wanted to say...
Do you mind if I sit?
Yes, I do mind.
I just wanted to say a big thanks
for giving me a second chance
after my...interlude.
Well, sadly, these days one can't
sack someone for going...
No. No. Else I'd have been
out of a job years ago. Mmm.
I won't lie to you, headmistress,
I've been going through
a tough time of it.
I think it all started...
Would you mind having this
conversation outside?
Of course.
It all started
when the wife changed the locks.
She sold all my stuff on eBay
and forced me
to live in a caravan at the bottom
of the garden.
Right, Gunn's in the house!
There's a lot of different classrooms
in this school, ain't there?
Right...joegraffy.
Rain comes down
from the clouds, turns into sea.
Wind blows it back up again -
water cycle. Boom!
Right, what else
do you need to know for your CGCSEs?
Mr Barber was going to teach us
about the Ice Age.
Right, the Ice Age. Ice Age...
A while back, weren't it?
Nippy. It's a lot of black ice -
that's lethal.
I mean, that's what killed
the dinosaurs.
You don't know anything about it,
do you, sir? I do, actually!
Hang on a minute, I'll have
a little, um, little think.
Ahem. Ice Age.
Right - it's a sloth, a woolly
mammoth, a sabre-tooth tiger,
all team up in a... No, hang on,
that's not right.
Right, the Ice Age was a
period of reduced...
..global temperature
resulting in the expansion
of polar ice sheets and glaceers.
There you go, nailed it!
Eh? Come on then, throw
another one at me!
Thanks for coming. See you again.
Knock-knock-knock!
You all right, babes? Oh, look at
you! You look like a proper teacher.
No, I am a proper teacher.
This is my classroom.
Do you want a quick tour? Yeah.
Coastal erosion.
That's an oxbow lake...
Mm, yeah!
Cross section of a Babybel.
Yeah...
You at all interested in the Ice Age?
Not especially.
Of all the ages, it's, er,
it's probably my favourite.
Hmm. It's a bit boring.
I just wondered
if you wouldn't mind
putting up one of my posters
in your classroom?
No, of course, babes.
"Which Way Now?"
Yeah, you know, just thought
I'd brand the day.
Hopefully get it trending on
Twitter. #sarahposternswhichwaynow.
Yeah.
No, I mean,
I'd be up for one of your workshops.
You? Well, yeah.
Well, um, actually nobody has
put their name down for
the CV workshop.
Well, you count me in.
I'd love to learn about CVs.
Yeah, teaching it.
Oh, you know, no, I knew that.
Er, Sarah, can I have a word?
I'm right here. In private.
Yeah, no, it's fine, cos, um...
cos I've got some joegraffy
marking to do.
What is it, Keith?
I just feel I should be doing
the CV workshop with you.
It's too late,
I've already asked Trevor.
I want to be part of your careers
posse! If you're doing this
to get back into my good books...
No, no, I genuinely think
what you're doing with this careers
day is inspirational.
Well, teaching is just a tiny
part of what Sarah Postern does.
You are Sarah Postern.
I know.
These kids are at a crossroads.
Do they carry on with
their education,
or do they go and get a job?
It's more of a T-junction.
But if there's anything
I can do to help on Friday,
anything at all, just let me know.
Well...
I still need someone to take part in
the job interview role play...
Yes!..with Janine. No! Why?
You know her and I don't get on.
I try and take the moral high
ground, but she is a total cow!
Right, just forget it, Keith, OK?
I will find somebody else
to help me.
Someone who actually cares
about these young people's futures.
Please come in.
Stop. Now, I didn't tell him
to sit down.
And in a job interview,
that would be a complete no-no.
Please go out
and come back in again.
He didn't close the door.
Come in! I hadn't knocked yet -
obviously that's a complete no-no.
If you're interviewing someone
for a job,
you have to wait for them
to knock.
Come in.
Sit down.
Good afternoon. I'm here about
the job. Which job?
I don't know.
An even bigger no-no.
Always know
which job you've applied for.
You never told me what job it was!
She never told me.
Let's just say this is a bank
and you're applying
for the position of bank clerk.
Tell me, what qualities do you have
that would be suited
to the role of bank clerk?
Well, I'm equally comfortable
working as an individual
or as part of a team...
Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Excuse me.
Hello, this is the bank,
how can I help you?
No! Dead?!
Oh, but I only saw her this morning!
Well...
she'll sleep with the angels now.
So, do you have any previous
experience of working in a bank?
Yes. Do you? Yes.
What experience exactly?
I've actually been working in banks
for the past 25 years,
where I've risen to the
position of bank manager.
In fact, I've been voted
Bank Manager of the Year
for the past five years running.
Well, then you are overqualified
for the job, good day!
Right, let's end the scene there,
shall we? Thank you both very much.
Your thoughts. Where do you think
Mr Church went wrong?
I didn't go wrong, it was clear from
the start I was
never going to get the job. Miss, I
think he made a bad first impression.
Yes, we've covered that, thank you.
Also, I think he's got
an attitude problem, miss.
A bad attitude is the biggest no-no.
Well, you try it with her!
See how you get on.
OK.
Come in!
Please sit down.
Good afternoon.
You've got the job!
Heard you ballsed up
your workshop, Churchy.
No. I should have got that job.
Poor Sarah.
Pours her heart
and soul into this careers...
thingy, then you come along
and take a giant dump on it.
If anyone's going to take
a giant...
deposit on today, it's you
and your CV workshop.
I bet you don't even know what
CV stands for.
Yeah, I do.
Go on, then.
I'm going to go and get some dinner,
going to run out of chips. No.
Well, obviously the C stands
for "careers". Go on.
V... Verdict... No.
Voucher. Vasectomy.
Careers vasectomy?
That's your final answer?
Can I phone a friend?
It's curriculum vitae.
I don't speak French.
Just an autograph or a selfie.
Sorry there's not time to do both.
Selfie or autograph?
Actually, I just need to get
to my locker.
Cool, cool. Just getting shizzle
out of a locker.
Keeping it real. Fist bump.
OK, come on, get out of his way,
get out of his way!
Wow, Mr Rock Star!
Yeah, to be honest this is
the part of it I really hate.
The fame. Yeah, that's the reason
I don't want to become famous -
the fame.
Yeah, you're best off how you are.
Completely anonymous.
Tell that to my
78 Twitter followers.
So, as it's your last day today,
I have organised
a little drinks party for you in
the staff room at four o'clock.
Yeah, yeah, I'll try and swing by.
It's a party for you.
What time is it again and where? It's
at four o'clock in the staff room.
Hmm...put me down as a maybe.
Well, it'll be
a teensy bit embarrassing
for me if you don't come!
Yes, but
I'm quite famous now,
so I don't know if I want to come.
But it is a party for you!
OK, but I can't stay long.
Thank you!
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah, see you later.
Are you all right there, Mr Hubble?
These kippers are off.
Oi! Lads!
Oh, hello, caretaker.
I'm starving. Haven't eaten since
Tuesday, and that was a conker.
Could I borrow some of those
fish fingers?
I've got none left.
Keith, please. I'm going to faint.
Just dunk it in the ketchup.
Careful of my fingers!
I'm ready for the next one now.
Right!
It's time for my session with Sarah.
Er, maybe I should come
and supervise.
Hang on, I haven't had dessert yet.
First rule of CVs -
don't be afraid to lie.
Oh, sorry -
didn't want to stop you so soon...
Just as I was getting going, babes.
Mmm, just a small correction.
You must never lie on a CV. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. No, no, you don't lie.
But, I mean, you can
knock your grades up a little bit.
OK. Stop you again.
You must definitely never
"knock your grades up a bit".
Why not?
Because it's wrong...
and employers can check up on them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
Sorry, are you sure?
I'm sure.
Bollocks. No, I'll say it was a typo.
Anyway, at the end of the day, it
don't matter what your grades are.
The most important thing is
you got a good hobby.
Not a boring one.
So, you, what's your hobby?
I play the violin.
No, that's boring. What about you?
Astronomy.
So boring. What about you?
I collect coins. We've all got
change, mate, that's not a hobby.
But mine
are from all around the world.
Well, get yourself down to Thomas
Cook and they'll change 'em for you.
We need something exciting, something
that'll get you a job!
What you put down, babes, modelling?
Oh.
Well, that's kind, but, um, no.
You must've been quite fit when you
were younger? Still am young.
Er...what did I put down?
Well, obviously, my extensive
charity work, er...French cinema.
Blueys?
Art house films.
And I also put down that
I speak five languages.
Do you? Yeah!
All right, which ones?
English.
Well, yeah, obviously.
French.
Hmm. That's two.
Spanish.
German. And...
Chinese.
You speak Chinese?
Yes, it says so on my CV.
Go on, then - do a bit.
Right. So it's all right
to lie a bit.
So! To bring careers day to a close,
we now have a very special guest.
We were at teacher training college
together, but she took
a different path to me and she now
writes very successful books
for children...
Young adults.
Young adults.
Selling over two million...
Three million.
Three million books, please give
a very big Greybridge welcome
to Fenella Forbes!
Thanks for that little intro,
Susan. Sarah.
Oh, sorry, there were two
ginger ones at college
and I can never remember
which one's which.
Well, Susan was the fat one.
Fatter, yeah.
So, first question.
What does it take to be a successful
chil... Young adults' author?
Very simple - an original idea.
And what was yours?
A school for witches.
Hmm. It's quite similar to
Harry Potter.
That's a school for wizards.
Mine's a school for witches.
Oh, forgive me.
Question two - how did you
get your big break as a writer?
Because a lot of it is luck,
isn't it?
I always say you make your own luck.
That's what lucky people say.
Well, my father-in-law ran a
publishing company... Lucky!
He had a look and he said it was -
in his own words -
the most original debut novel
he'd ever read.
Obviously hadn't heard of
Harry Potter.
And the rest, as they say, is
history. The Second World War
is history, this is really just a
series of books for children.
Young adults. Children.
Are we going to
get on with the
book signing or...?
No. Question three - how much money
do you get for each book sold?
Er, it's not
about the money at all,
it's about doing something you love.
£1 a book? Bit more than that.
That's obscene.
So there you are, kids,
money isn't important,
according to the multi-millionaire.
So, let's open it up
to your questions.
Yes? In your next book,
will Whitney the Witch get eaten
by the Dragon Headmistress?
The only way you'll find out
is by buying the book.
Whitney's not going to be
killed off, Nicholas,
not until every penny of your pocket
money is in her bank account.
Next!
So will there ever be
a Whitney the Witch film?
I think we'd all love to see Whitney
on the big screen, wouldn't we?
- Yeah.
Hmm, you certainly would -
buy yourself a well-earned yacht.
Anyone else?
Could I borrow £72,000?
Well, let's...
Let's just wrap up, shall we?
I do have one final question.
Well, let's make it the last one.
Fenella, we both trained together
but I just wondered,
do you ever regret
not becoming a teacher?
Well...
Uh-uh-uh, let me finish.
Because every day in my job,
I get to shape
young people's lives for the better.
Well, that's... Shh. Ahem.
And what could be more
important than that?
Your answer, please.
Well, it's interesting you say that,
because sometimes,
I do feel that being a teacher is
the most important job you can do.
Thank you.
But then I think - what I do is
so much more important.
Because I shape the lives of young
people, but on a global scale.
Right, let's sign some books.
Are you all right, Sarah?
Oh. It's just been a difficult day.
Luke's leaving us to become
a pop star.
Someone I was at teacher training
college with
now has a Chanel handbag.
And where am I?
I mean, all day it's been
"Sarah Postern's Which Way Now?",
but it should've been
"Which way now, Sarah Postern?"
You are Sarah Postern. I know.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads...
a T-junction.
Should I carry on teaching...
or should I write a bestselling
series of children's novels?
Carry on teaching.
Well...
..I suppose I do have this gift for
it. You really do.
Plus, I think you'd find
writing the
bestselling series of children's
novels quite hard.
But I know if you left,
you'd leave a massive hole in the
hearts of everyone at Greybridge.
Especially me.
Thank you, Keith.
Hey! What are we all crying about?
♪ I see the same old faces
every day
♪ Every time I look,
they're getting old and grey... ♪
'Scuse me, Jo.
♪ I'm going to soar... ♪
Yeah, I've been loving
this careers day, Sarah.
Oh, good. That's good.
It's given me
a clear idea of what I'd like to be.
What's that?
A wacky weatherman.
I think I'd be very good at cheering
people up in the morning.
Good luck with that.
Er, I have to go and mingle.
Oh, Miss Baron!
How wonderful that you're here,
I really didn't expect you to come.
Sadly, I can't stay.
Hello, Daphne.
Hi, Sarah. Shame you're leaving us.
I know the headmistress
can't stand you,
but I've always quite liked you.
It's actually Luke's leaving party.
Oh, right.
That's a shame, she likes him.
Oh, here's the pop star!
Can we not do the voice any more?
It's quite annoying. Yeah.
Look, I just wanted to say good
luck with everything.
And don't forget all your friends
here at Greybridge!
Never forget the little people.
And... I've got to take this,
it's my manager.
Should have a chart update.
Shh! It's his manager
with a chart update!
Django! What's up?
No, just at some crappy party.
So, er, how's Soar doing?
Nine?! Oh, my God, we have a pop star
at the party!
He is number nine in the charts!
No. No, no... I've, um...
sold nine copies.
Django, what happened?!
I gave you £700!
Right, we'll see you on Monday
morning then...Barry Barlow.
Nine copies. I know.
What a disaster.
Still, it's really perked me up.
Got your stratas.
And your big one there, they're
just called big clouds.
We have a new teacher. And, yes,
he just happens to be blind.
It's Keith Church. Hi.
And I'm in the dining hall.
Yes, I realise that.
We all call her Piggy Postern
because she has an upturned
nose like a pig.
Do you mind if I just...?
I think we should see Dr Dalton
for what he is -
a cool teacher who just
happens to be blind.
- Visually impaired.
- Visually impaired.
Just ease it backwards.
Bugger.
♪ When I think about the days
there is something of a haze about it
♪ No, we're not the same
♪ But let's not break the chain
♪ We should play
this game together. ♪