Big Nate (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Legend of the Gunting - full transcript

- What do cave paintings
teach us

about early caveman life?

They teach us cavemen
were pigs and vandals

who needed discipline to keep
them from drawing on walls.

Let me tell you
about hieroglyphics...

- Welcome to Mrs. Godfrey's
social studies class,

where learning goes to die.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
Most teachers are great.

They work hard.
Don't get paid enough.

Cry in their cars.

They're basically heroes.



Godfrey, though.

Godfrey is the devil!

No, no, no.
Wait, not the devil.

Chalkzilla.

Ours is a battle eternal.

Who will win?
Undecided.

But I promise you this:
I will not fail.

My school.
Nay, the world, needs--

- Nate Wright!

Detention.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oof!

- Heard about Godfrey.

- Price of greatness.
What can I do?

Whoa! Dee Dee.



Why are dressed like a peanut?

Ah! Get me my EpiPen!

- I'm a cashew actually.

Drama club is doing
a reimagining of the play

"A Raisin in the Sun"
from the raisin's POV.

It's about a bag of trail mix

that dreams of being more
than just a snack for hippies.

- I wouldn't miss it.

Unless I ended up in a coma.
Fingers crossed.

- Nate, friend emergency!

Nate, is it true?

- Lot of ways
I can answer that, Francis.

All of them awesome.

- Did you get detention again?

- Oh, yeah, but it's--

- That's your fourth detention
this week.

One more, and you'll be...

Gunted.
- Gunted?!

No. Nooooo.

Wait, what's gunting?

- Let me tell you about
the Legend of the Gunting.

Brad Gunter was the most
notorious kid at P.S. 38.

A legendary prankster
and my personal hero.

He replaced every Frisbee
in school

with hunks of baloney.

He made a replica of
Principal Nichols' car...

- out of slime.

He mounted an entire
eighth-grade science class

on the ceiling.

Six kids went to the hospital.

All of them said
it was worth it.

Brad Gunter was
the first kid at P.S. 38

to get five detentions
in one week.

After that,
Brad Gunter disappeared.

No one ever saw him again.

- According to legend,
since then,

any kid who gets five
detentions disappears as well.

Don't let them gunt you down!

They can salt me.
They can coat me in honey.

They can even roast me,

but I'll never give up
where you are.

That's from my monologue
in the play.

- Look, getting gunted
isn't a problem

because I only have
two detentions, including--

- Uh, think again.

- Detention one.

- Who'd like to feed Sheila?

- I got this, Mr. G.

- Ah! Their claws are
like a hundred scissors!

- Detention two.

- Need some help, Mr. Rosa?

- Thanks, Nate, but only
teachers are legally authorized

to touch school equipment.

- Right.
Like that's a real law.

- Detention three.

And including the one
from this morning--

- Okay. Okay, fine.

But it's Thursday, so
the chances of me getting--

- It's Tuesday.

- What?! Tuesday?

Francis, how could you
let this happen?

- Me?
- You're the obsessive,

trustworthy one who's supposed
to save me from myself.

Burn.

- I have a responsibility
to my fan base at P.S. 38

not to disappear.

They need me for leadership,
inspiration,

and most importantly,
dream weaving.

- Nate Wright
speaks truth to power.

- Okay, so what are you
going to do?

- Only thing I can do:

lay low until
the Gunting is over.

- Laying low. Hoo-ha!

- Nate Wright!

- Oh, no!
Mrs. Godfrey!

Oh, I got you good, man.

- Aw, come on, Teddy.

Well, okay.
I guess you heard too.

- Oh, yeah.

Nate Wright's possible Gunting,
big news!

I'm going to miss you.
- Everyone's attention.

Principal Nichols is here
to address the class.

Please show him more respect
than you've ever shown me.

- Oh...

- Hello, fellow kids.

Can I get a "what-what"?!

- What-what!

all: Ugh.

- Fabulous! All right.

So your favorite principal
needs a favor.

A new student starts today--
Bentley Carter.

- Bentley Carter?

As in the Carter family
who owns half of Maine?

- Why would they send their kid
here to P.S. 38?

There are more rats
in the school than students.

- Only during mating season.

What I do know is that now,
if all goes well,

his rich parents
might finally build us

that drone racetrack
you've all been asking for it.

Heh, heh?

- I don't think
we've ever asked for that.

- Not once.
- Nope.

- So I need someone
to show Bentley around.

I would consider it...

a personal favor.

"Personal favor"?

Ooh! Uh, Principal Nichols.

- Nate, my boy, I can't thank
you enough for doing this.

- Hey, I'm just glad
I can help.

- Ah, here's
our new recruit now.

- Huh?

- Oh, uh, I thought he was
supposed to be crazy rich.

- You got
the "crazy" part right.

- Bentley Carter
meet Nate Wright,

one of our standout students.

He's offered
to show you around.

- Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.

- I'm sensing
a love connection here, heh?

Which means
my responsibility is done.

Drone Racetrack.
Make me proud.

- Check it out.

I pranked the principal
and stole his underpants.

all: What?
- Bentley!

That...is impressive.

- Bentley, you can't steal
the principal's underwear.

- I guess that means I should
give his wallet back too.

- Whoa. Okay.

Bentley, that's gone
far enough.

- Hmm?

Oh.

Oh, no.
Not again.

- Oh, that was close.
But listen, Bentley, you--

- He just ran off down
the hall, giggling.

- Give me back my crutches--
oof!

Oh, my!

The vegetarian surprise
has run away.

Again.

- P.S. 38 can feel
a little big, Bentley,

but once you find your place,
things get easier.

- I noticed there's no locks
on the fences.

What keeps you guys
from escaping?

So I hear you're a prank guy,
like me.

Maybe we could team up, like
Jack the Ripper and Dracula.

- Those were bad guys.

Baby steps, Bentley.
I'm pretty advanced.

- Hey, watch out.

- Hey, Nate,
check this prank out.

- Oh, I'd say that's more
malicious vandalism

than a prank,
but good try, Bentley.

Uh, Bentley?

He took off giggling again.

- Hey, that's school property!

- You've seen our ball,
sixth-grader?

- Ball?
What is this ball you speak of?

- Let's get him!
He's trying to confuse us.

- We need to find out more
about Bentley Carter.

- Wet towels go in the bin
near the door, Bentley.

Forget, and Coach John
will lose it.

Right, Chad?
- Oh yeah.

He takes it really seriously.

He was in the war.

- What does that have to do
with wet towels?

- I have no idea.

Thundering marsupials!

We're under attack!
Wait, what?

- Hey, Coach John.

- Chad!

- Thank you for your service.

- I still think Nate's
freaking out over nothing.

Brad Gunter is a myth.

Like Big Foot.
Or trans fats.

- Group meeting
under the table. Now.

- Mm-mm-mm.

- This is just like the table
I sleep under at home.

- Problems with
your new BFF Bentley?

- Yes! And whose fault
is that, Francis?

- Me? I didn't see them trying
to stop you volunteering.

- Oh, I'd never
trust myself to give advice.

I know my limitations.

- And I was in character
as a cashew.

If the subject had been
dry roasting, maybe.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

Francis knows he messed up.
No need to rub it in.

- Ugh.
- We need to do something

or Bentley's pranks
are gonna get me gunted.

- Hmm. I bet we can get a look
at his transcripts.

- Code Red at 12:00.

- All right, meeting's over.

Get up there and get rid of him
before he spots me.

- Hey there, classmates.
Nate around?

I wanted to show him this jar
of wingless murder crickets

I'm gonna release
on the lunch line.

They are the biting kind.

Don't ask
who tore off the wings.

It was me.

- You can't let him do it!

- Oh. Sorry, Bentley.

Nate left already.

Could you hold off
on the crickets a skosh?

Yeah, I'm sure
he wouldn't want to miss it.

- Gotcha.
I don't want to disappoint him.

I never had a bestie before,
like Nate.

- I know he feels the same--

- Is anyone gonna eat
that burrito?

- Oh, that's Chad's, but he's--

- Oh! Oh, there's beans
in my eyes.

Beans!
- Galvin's hit.

Hey, what did I miss?

- He did it!

- Chad!

- Now get on those transcripts
or more innocents like Chad

are gonna get hurt.

- So any fun plans
for today at school?

I get it.

I didn't like school either
when I was your age.

Then I got older
and life came along

and my dreams
of being a musician gave way

to the reality
of being a single dad

and making a living, and, uh...

I'm gonna go get some more milk
from the cow--the fridge,

in the garage.

- So I hear
you're gonna get gunted.

- What?! Who told you that?
- You think we don't hear

about that kind of stuff
in high school?

Oh, and FYI,
I am totally using your bedroom

as a Pilates studio
when you inevitably disappear.

- The Gunting is a legend.

Nobody really believes it.

Right?

- You sure we're supposed
to meet Dee Dee now?

- Yep. If we're gonna
find anything on Bentley,

it'll be
in Principal Nichol's office.

And just after lunch

is when he takes
his secret nap in his car.

- The internet
is going to love this.

- Not really much of a secret.

- All that matters is
his office is empty.

- Why are you dressed
like a...mall piano player?

- Yeah, one that goes
home alone every night

to his 20 year old cat

and cries into a bowl
of cold spaghetti.

Aw, I'm gonna call my Abuelo.

- I'm in character as Jane Bond

from last year's
all-female re-imagining

of the 007 classic,
"Thunderball."

I took an online course
on espionage for research.

Picked up a few things.

Stay close.

All clear.

Fan out.

- Let's see.

"Drone & Country."

"Drone Appetit."

"This Old Drone."

Hmm...

- Huh, transcripts.

Guys, check this out.

We need to tell someone
about this

before that fifth detention
Nate is avoiding

finally catches up to him.

- Bentley, you have to stop!

- And where did you get
all these piglets?

- Oh. Hey, new bestie.

You going to the assembly?

- Bentley,
the pranks need to stop.

If they don't,
someone's going to get hurt.

Isn't that what makes
pranks fun? The pain?

- No! I mean...

Look, look, I get it.
You admire me.

I mean, see the respect I get.

- Seems like most people
just ignore you.

- It's subtle.
Look regardless, I'm done.

I can't keep protecting you.

- I didn't ask
for your protection.

Wait, what's the matter, Nate?

Afraid of a little competition?

- Oh, no.
Nate Wright knows no fear.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm speaking
in the third person.

- I like this school.
Think I might stay awhile.

Thought we'd make a good team,
but if not,

maybe we'd make
for better rivals

like Frankenstein
and Amelia Earhart.

Gotta go!

Don't want to be late
for the assembly.

Or should I say "disassembly"?

- "Destined for awesomeness"?

Pfft. Right.

- You okay over there?

Hello?

Oh, sorry.
I thought I was alone.

- I can hear you moping
from over here.

What's going on?

You know that feeling when
something bad is gonna happen,

and, well, you want to stop it,
but if you do,

you'll get that fifth detention
and disappear

and never see
your friends again

or be able to shoot cheesy
snacks into your dad's face?

That's how I feel.

Like I blew it instead
of being who I want to be.

Who I should be.

- "Destined for awesomeness"?
- Yeah.

I mean, I didn't think
it would be so hard.

If it was easy, Nate,
everyone would be awesome.

- Hey, wait, how do you know
who I am?

Who are you?

- I go by many names.

The ancient Mayans called me
Babajide el Embaucador.

In the time of Romans,

I was known
as Augustus Qui Decipitur.

But here, at P.S. 38,

you know me
by a different name.

- Brad Gunter?!

But according to legend,

Brad Gunter disappeared
years ago.

How can you be here?

I'm a legend, kid,

and legends get to come and go
as they please.

You could be a legend
someday too

if you remember
one simple thing.

- Oh, yeah?
What's that?

- Those who are destined
for awesomeness

never keep their heads down.

My work here is done.

- Hmm?

Whoa! I have no idea
if that really just happened,

but it doesn't matter because
I know what I need to do.

all: Whoa!

- Ow! My sternum.

- Before we begin, I'd like
to thank the janitorial staff

for their continued
gum initiative.

As of today, they have
collected over 40 pounds of gum

from beneath school desks
now, children.

According to
the science teachers,

some of that gum is from 1821,

which is curiously
before the school was built.

So, way to hustle, boys.
Way to hustle.

Way to hu--oh, that's a lot
of gum. That's a lot of gum.

- Ow! My other sternum.

- Now to proceed
with today's assembly,

I am here
to talk to you about...

- Oh, no.

- Oh, this is exciting, kids,
because...

- Hmm? Hmm.

Sometimes
the choice is simple.

Your social studies teacher
has turned

into a Kaiju monster

and you must slay her before
danger comes to the princess,

who, in this case,
is your principal.

Oh, hi!

- Which actually looks
pretty good on him.

- Oh.

So that's where
the vegetarian surprise went.

- Nate. Hey, Nate.
- Huh? What?

Nate. Wake up.
You're a hero!

A little help.

- Uh, no, thank you.

You smell like an otter
bathing in hot dog water.

- I was gonna say burnt cabbage
lathered in diaper sauce.

- What happened?

- We found
Bentley's transcript.

- Did he fill this out
in crayon?

- Yeah, and check out the photo
above his name.

- Nichols must have been
so excited

about getting a rich kid
in this school,

he never looked
at the transcripts.

- You can't prove that.

- So if Bentley's not Bentley,
then who's Bentley?

- Turns out his real name
is Merl Lazenbee

and he's an escapee

from the Institution
for Criminally Insane Tweens.

Apparently, he's done this same
thing before at other schools.

- Fortunately,
Dee Dee alerted me.

I, in turn, called my lawyer,
who after determining

the school was not liable,
called the authorities.

- I'll get your underpants!

I'll get all your underpantses!

Oh, we'll see each other again.

Might not be
for another 40 years,

but you and me,
we got a bond, Nate Wright.

Like Stalin and Hercules.

- Can't wait!

Hold on. Yes, I can.
Buh-bye.

- Phew! I owe you, Nate,

and your friends,
a debt of thanks.

- So I'm not gonna get
that fifth detention?

- Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

You're still a degenerate.

- No. In fact, after what
you've done for the school,

I'm clearing
all your detentions.

- This week.

- And there you have it.

Brad Gunter was right.

Those destined for awesomeness
never keep their heads down.

Yep.
You see how they look at me.

The envy. Jealousy.

Admiration.

Heavy is the head
that wears the crown.

Fortunately,
I draw a really good crown.

- Nate Wright.
- Huh?

- Someday,
you'll be awesome too.

I can feel it.

- Sorry!