Big Mouth (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - A Very Special 9/11 Episode - full transcript
On a trip to the 9/11 museum, Nick and Andrew sneak off to meet Jessi, Devon teaches Missy about code-switching, and Coach Steve gets a rude surprise.
Listen up, everybody.
The 9/11 Museum is a serious place,
and I know it's the new thing,
but please, please,
-no gummy arms today.
-[students laughing]
What about gummy chest hair?
Mamma mia, Lumpy likey.
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ [hums]
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
Oh, my God, Steve!
You were born on September 11th?
Yeah, today.
Can you believe they did a whole museum
for when I dropped out
of my mommy's sweetie?
Okay. So even accepting that
that's what the 9/11 Museum is for,
you really think our whole grade loaded
into a bus
to celebrate your birthday?
I can't tell you,
or my wish won't come true.
My wish is that I tinkled
before the bus ride.
Ooh! My stomach has a headache.
This is Jessi's new boyfriend, I guess.
Oh, Lord!
This guy's sensual and deep.
If I'm Diane Lane, I am cheating
on my mean old husband with this one.
Spray-painting shirtless?
Ugh! So thirsty.
I know. It's like,
ditch the pants already.
What, is he sweating in that picture?
Click on that. Screen-grab it.
Now email it to my secret account,
then delete it from Sent Items. Whatever.
I'm gonna text Jessi.
We should all meet up in the city.
Ugh. If they're forcing us
to meet Michael Angelo,
let's just get it over with.
Yeah! I mean, he'll sit on your chest,
you'll sit on his.
Who cares?
Just send the goddamn picture already.
Fucking send it. Whatever.
[laughs] Hey! Missy got her hair braided.
The new look is tight.
Thanks, Devon!
My head has been throbbing for weeks,
so I actually really needed
the positive reinforcement.
Wow. So cute.
You have Black girl hair now.
I've never really thought of you
as, like, a "Black" Black girl.
Oh, it's cool how you found a way
for a compliment to shake me to my core.
Who the fuck made this little white bitch
the authority on Blackness?
Let's slit her fucking throat.
Or, counter idea,
we peel a kiwi and look down
for the rest of the bus ride?
[both moaning, grunting]
-Hey, babe.
-What?
-What's going on?
-What do you mean?
Well, you're not sucking my tongue
like it's gonna cum
like a tiny little dick in my mouth,
like you normally do.
I guess, like, 9/11 is a bit
of a hot-button issue for me, and as such,
my mind happens to be elsewhere.
9/11 makes everyone upset.
-It makes me more upset, Jay!
-Okay...
I have a personal connection
to the tragedy.
-I didn't know.
-My mom's ex-boyfriend died in 9/11.
Fuck! Was he in one of the towers?
No, Jay. He was flying one of the planes.
So... he was a pilot?
Kind of. Like, towards the end he was.
Oh. Wait a minute.
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
[both kissing wetly]
Mmm. You taste like a song.
You taste like, um, tiramisu.
That's my vape pen.
-You know how to vape, right?
-Yeah.
You just put your lips together
and suck until it lights up.
[sighs] Connie, this is a lot.
-Do it.
-Really?
Suck his Juul until it lights up,
and you gotta put your pussy
in a USB port.
Put it in a USB port?
I don't know. I don't do computers.
Just suck that electric dick.
[inhales, coughs] Smooth.
It feels really good to smoke.
Thank you.
-Oh, shit.
-What? What is it?
It's inspiration tugging on my leg again.
[Jessi] Okay.
Oh, my God, he is so fucking hot.
And as soon as he showed up,
no more Depression Kitty,
no more Anxiety Mosquito,
no more Self-Harm Walrus.
-Who's that?
-Oh, nobody.
Don't worry about it.
But do let me know if you see him.
-[cell phone chimes]
-Ooh, you got a text!
Oh, cool. Nick and Andrew are on the way
to the city.
-[spray can hissing]
-Hey, um... babers.
My friends from home are in town.
-Should we all, like, hang out?
-Eh.
Or is that, like, so dumb?
No, no, it's just, you know,
suburban kids sound very, um...
cola-and-potato-chips-rah-rah-
at-the-baseball-match type of thing.
Yeah,
it's so rah-rah-at-the-baseball-match.
-Totally.
-Yeah.
It's dumb, but I'd still love for them
to just, like, meet you and your art.
Yeah, whatever you want, baby girl.
-Ooh! He called you "baby girl."
-Connie, what the hell are you doing?
-I'm plugging my pussy in the USB port.
-Oh, God.
I gotta be careful, though,
'cause when I updated my butthole,
I lost all my contacts.
Wow! So many people here
to celebrate my birthday.
I know. What a great turnout.
Yay!
So you really have no idea
what happened here.
-That's right.
-Do the Twin Towers ring a bell?
Georgetown's Alonzo Mourning
and Dikembe Mutombo?
The Twin Towers is another name
for the World Trade Center.
Shh! Caleb! I'm trying
to fuck with Coach Steve.
In light of the tragedy
that occurred here,
that seems insensitive at best.
Oh, come on!
9/11 happened before we were even born.
Am I also supposed to care
about Hurricane Katrina or Columbine?
-Yes.
-Relax, I'm just being funny. [chuckles]
No one is laughing.
Now, Steve...
Yes, Matthew.
We're gonna do your birthday cake inside,
so I need you to tell Ms. Benitez
that 9/11 is an inside job.
Okay.
Hey, Ms. B.
I'm supposed to tell you
that cats are inside dogs.
-That's very good, Steve.
-Thank you.
Okay, the teachers seem preoccupied,
so let's get out of here.
Maury, come on. We're leaving.
One sec, I just need to get
one good shot of my boys
in front of the reflecting pool.
Hey, guys.
Guys. No gummy arms. Not the place.
-[camera clicks]
-Eleven September.
-Such a tragedy.
-Yes. So much wasted flesh.
Did you forget that we were
fine young cannibals?
It must drive you crazy... [chuckles]
…that you cannot help any of your
beloved characters from where you are.
Wow, you look so great, babe.
I don't wanna look great,
I wanna look upset and sexy,
like Melania.
-Give me the phone. I will do it myself.
-[camera clicks]
-Oh, maybe my old look was more me.
-[clears throat]
-Hey, Missy.
-Oh, hey, Devon.
Look, I'm sorry Devin said that
stupid shit about your hair on the bus.
Yeah, it was not, um... 100.
Sure, "100."
It's just that I'm really struggling
with my racial identity right now.
-Uh...
-My mom's white. My dad's Black.
I'm voiced by a white actress
who's 37 years old.
Ugh! It's all very overwhelming.
Yeah, I hear that.
I'm secretly old as hell, but I'm--
Oh! My cousin Lena just invited me
to a Jay-Z party.
What's The Blueprint?
What? Are you kidding me?
The Blueprint is Jay-Z's album
that came out, like, on 9/11.
We gotta go!
I don't know if we should leave the group.
Aka, I'm afraid to leave the group.
No, we gotta go. Come on!
I wanna hang out
with cool Black college kids.
Well, it would be nice to see my cousin.
But, uh... what about, um...
-Devin?
-No, she can't come!
This party's for cool people,
not rank-ass bitches.
Don't worry, Missy, I got it.
-[Devon] Wow! You look great!
-[camera clicks]
You're, like, way prettier than her.
Yes, I know. Obviously.
Let's go!
Let's go,
while Coach Steven is distracted.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Your clothes look like the woods. So...
-Guys, over here!
-[in New York accent] New York Jessi!
Come on with the Mets, Jets,
Knicks and Rangers already!
[in New York accent] Hey, taxi, take me
to pizza and put a bagel on it!
-All right!
-Stand clear of the closing doors, please!
Hey, babe.
[in sultry voice] Um, hey, babe.
This is, like, Nick and Andrew.
[speaking normally] What is that voice?
-Oh, me, oh, my. Mm!
-Okay.
All right, well, we get it.
She's your girlfriend.
You possess her. [chuckles]
Sorry, some of us are feminists, so...
Time's up! [chuckles]
[mumbles] Be patient, Nick.
Let's watch this play out a little.
Mm. He is pretty yummy, isn't he?
What? No!
And what's with all those stupid pins?
I mean, "Vote" and "Anarchy"? I think
those cancel each other out, right?
Andrew, you should be taking notes.
Oh, don't worry, I'm filming the whole
thing, Impractical Jokers style.
We can get out of here if you
wanna french the life out of our friend.
Sorry, Nick.
It's my bad, bruv.
Can't keep my lips off her, you know?
Yeah, I actually do know.
We made out once, so...
-Brilliant.
-It was pretty brilliant.
So you understand what it's like,
the intoxication of it all.
I mean, she didn't say
it was so intoxicating, but--
Nick, you can butt out right now.
I'm in recovery. I'm not trying
to get intoxicated as much.
-Nick...
-Good for you.
Do I detect an accent,
or are you just British to see me?
[imitates British accent]
Sir Andrew Glouberman.
At your service, my liege.
Hey, what's up with Jessi?
She's smoking and talking all weird
around this poser.
Yeah, who does this delicious
piece of shit think he is?
-Did you say "delicious"?
-Yeah!
With his curly, brown hair looking
like cute little popcorn shrimps. Mm!
What are you talking about?
Oh, Nicholas, my bad.
Yeah, he's a poser, is how...
is how you feel.
Yeah, that's how I feel.
Is that how you feel?
Of... of course.
-[inhales]
-Hubba, hubba.
Look at those lips.
Yeah, and check out
them stupid fuckin' pins on his jacket.
They're not stupid.
One says, "Kill your television."
That's cool.
But another one says "Comcast."
He's probably making, like, a statement.
What is your problem?
I didn't sleep so good last night.
-My Airbnb's above a Barry's Bootcamp.
-Okay.
I heard a marketing executive blow out
her knee this morning doing lunges.
-So?
-Then they shot her, Jessi!
Alison is dead!
But I'll try to do better
with your Michael Angelo situation.
Holy Scott Foley, I can't believe
we're being so Whiskey Cavalier
about sneaking away from a field trip!
[laughs] I'm gonna need you to calm down.
Hey, my bad, big dawg.
Ain't nothin', bro,
you didn't even scuff the Forces.
Shit, I'd have gave myself the fade
right quick.
You're stupid, bro. On God, though,
I'm trying to get like you.
Nah, I'm trying to get like you.
Yo, stay up, fam.
Stay up, bro.
I've never heard you talk
like that before.
How do you talk to Black people?
-The same way I talk to white people.
-[laughs]
-What?
-Are you serious?
You don't have one of these?
-What?
-You don't have a code switch?
No. How does a code switch work?
Well, it's a little tricky,
but let me break it down for you.
♪ As a Black kid you gotta learn
This handy trick of social self-defense ♪
♪ You switch up your speak
And give your manner a tweak ♪
♪ Depending on the audience ♪
♪ I'll be Will Smith witty
Or cool like Diddy ♪
♪ Or affable as you please ♪
♪ 'Cause when you're young and Black
You develop a knack ♪
♪ For putting the world at ease ♪
♪ It's called code-switchin' ♪
♪ And I'm a master of the dial ♪
♪ I've got a different me
For every situation ♪
♪ No matter Black, white, old, or young ♪
♪ I can tune in to your tongue ♪
♪ And nobody can tell ♪
♪ Which one's the real me, yeah ♪
♪ For those timid white suburban moms ♪
♪ I'm humble, saccharine-sweet ♪
♪ Just a skinny Kenan Thompson, ma'am ♪
♪ No need to cross the street ♪
♪ For older Blacks, I'll dial it back ♪
♪ Play the respectful grandson role ♪
♪ They don't care for rap
Or hip-hoppity crap ♪
♪ So I'm warm as Motown soul ♪
♪ And I can charm
The old-school Italian cats ♪
♪ With a smile like Sammy Davis ♪
♪ But I always know that as soon as I go ♪
♪ They go straight back
To stone-cold racist ♪
♪ Code-switchin' ♪
♪ Got the whole world on my dial ♪
♪ And it's anybody's guess ♪
♪ Which one is me ♪
That was incredible!
Did I see a setting that says "pretzels"?
Hell, yeah! Yo, what's up, pretz?
[screams]
-I'm so fucking twisted!
-[heavy metal music plays]
Caleb, do you know where Coach Steve is?
I haven't seen him since I told him
he could go swimming
in the reflecting pool.
You should stop making fun of 9/11.
No, no, no, no.
I'm making fun of Steve,
the 9/11 of people.
[woman over PA] Could Matthew come
to the front desk please
and pick up your bestest friend?
I think we found the birthday boy.
[sobbing]
Hello, I'm Matthew.
Hi, Matthew.
Yeah, he shouldn't be
wandering around the museum
-without a guardian.
-Sorry about that.
Steve, are you crying
because you were lost?
Yeah, and 'cause I ate too many
commemorative keychains.
-Sure.
-And also, then I found out about 9/11.
Did you know all those people died
on my birthday?
I-- yes.
And you didn't tell me? Why?
Well, I thought it was funny,
but now I'm not so sure.
Kind of like Ace Ventura.
Wait, my birthday's an American tragedy
and Ace Ventura's not funny?
This is the worst day of my entire life.
Oh, man, I get it.
We're all the child.
And your news media's the fucking spoon,
innit?
I'll fuck a spoon if you watch, guv'nor.
It's lucky you guys had the day off today.
Well, actually, we kind of... [chuckles]
We kinda made our own luck. We ditched.
You skipped school?
Yeah. Jessi Brown, not present. [laughs]
Jessi Brown? Her last name is Glaser.
No, it's not, mate.
-Hey, Jessi, what's your surname?
-Yeah, tell us, Jessi.
It's honestly not important.
He can call you whatever he wants.
Even though it's kinda insane
he thinks your last name is Brown.
He knows me,
he doesn't have to know my name.
That's a low bar, Jessi Brown.
Could you just shut up and be horny?
Isn't that your job?
Hey! You don't come to my work
and slap the dick out of my mouth.
See, the media is the spoon,
do you get it? 'Cause I got it.
None of this means anything.
He's a phony
who doesn't even know Jessi's name.
He doesn't have to know her name.
He knows her!
Why are you defending him?
Hey! I don't come to your dick
and slap the house out of your mouth!
-Hey, Connie? Quick pow-wow.
-Yeah?
You seem a little...
I think the technical term is "fatutzed"?
Yeah, yeah, I'm overwhelmed, Maury.
-How's your blood shuggie?
-It's low, I guess.
-It's just, I got these two kids...
-Yeah.
Alison was executed at the boot camp--
-It's too much, Connie.
-It's too much!
I know. I mean, look at me.
I've got Andrew,
he's a jack-off machine, it's easy.
And Matthew, well,
he's more of a friend at this point.
And Nick,
he doesn't like Jessi's boyfriend.
Oh, that's 'cause,
well, 'cause he likes her.
-He what now?
-Oh, Connie,
it's clear as the dick on my face.
Nicorice likes Jennifer.
Let's roll the tape, boys.
We get it. She's your girlfriend.
You possess her. [chuckles]
Look at that stare,
his little fists balled up.
That's a jealous boy.
Oh, shit, Maury. You're right!
How could I be so blind?
Oh, wait, here's my student film I did
when I went to Columbia.
This shit again?
I was very attracted to that actress.
-I gave her so many notes.
-[gun cocks]
That was a real gun.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Sorry, I'm just--
I'm a little nervous.
I've never been to a college party before.
There's gonna be ass and chardonnay.
That's why I'm dialing my switch up
all the way to here!
"Supa dupa Black"?
Yeah, this party's gonna be
like a Jay-Z music video.
[hip hop music playing]
Holy honkers!
A pool in a boat in a pool on a building?
Well, that explains
why NYU is so expensive.
Yo, this party's gonna be so fire.
Yeah, everybody's gonna get burnt up
to a crisp,
and there'll be flames coming out of--
I don't know. I wish I had one
of those code switches.
Don't even worry about it. I got you.
I'm about to be Black enough
for both of us.
-Okay.
-I'm going buck-fucking-wild up there!
Again, did you say "butt fucking"?
Or are you saying "buck fucking"?
I'm fine with either, I just--
I wanna know what the vibe is.
Yo, cousin!
And you got a little homie with you.
Hey, Lena. I hope it's okay
that I brought my classmate Devon.
Thought Bridgeton didn't have
other Black kids.
[scoffs]
Naw, B, I hold it down up there. Trust!
You holdin' down the mean streets
of Westchester, big guy?
On my mama, it's secured.
I got the 9-1-4 on lock. It's handled, Ma.
Okay, chill out
with the Nick Cannon energy.
Devon isn't set to Nick Cannon.
-He's actually set to supa dupa Black.
-[Devon mumbles]
He has this incredible thing
called a code switch.
-Missy, chill, chill.
-Do you have a code switch, Lena?
Hell, no,
I broke that shit a long time ago.
I only kept "Pretzels"
'cause their music is twisted.
[screams] Break my body!
Why'd you break it? It seems so useful.
It's oppressive.
-Aligning yourself with white norms
-[bong gurgling]
…just to be deemed
a nonthreatening Black person?
And it doesn't work the other way around.
-Oh, that's true.
-We gotta know about the Beatles,
but they ain't gotta know shit
about Jodeci.
Now, if I had that point,
I'd have said Bell Biv DeVoe.
Now you know. [chuckles]
That's all fine in theory. That's cute.
But what about interviewing
to get into college?
Or trying to get a hand job
from your white wife?
No, no, no! That's some bullshit!
Just because I'm a minority,
I need to minimize my culture?
Wow! What a gorgeous and spirited
exchange of ideas! I love partying.
I thought this was gonna be a Jay-Z video,
not an episode of Dear White People.
No, shh! This is so much better.
It feels like...
It feels like Wakanda!
I refuse to soften my tone
or remove slang from my vocabulary
just to be compatible with a system
created on stolen land and slave labor!
Ooh, yeah! Speak on it.
I'm gonna talk how I talk,
like Ryan Coogler.
He'll be on The View
sounding Black as fuck.
-Even Whoopi be confused.
-Oh, please!
You think Ryan Coogler sounds the same
at a cookout in East Oakland
as he does in a boardroom at Disney?
You know who doesn't code switch?
Eeyore. He's always sad.
Ooh, that's true. That donkey suffers.
What about Jay-Z?
What about HOV?
You're celebrating him.
He's the ultimate code-switcher!
Look, man,
code-switching is corny as shit.
I'm not corny.
I'm super popular at school.
Let's dissect this, though!
Why do they like you?
Because you fill the role
as the cool Black kid
in a suburban white middle school?
You hoop? You know how to do
the latest viral dance?
You do the "woah" for them?
-[knock on door]
-Shh! You guys, hide the bong!
I don't give a shit! If that's
the motherfucking RA, I'm about to--
Oh, hey, Nadia.
Hey.
Are we still going to Pinkberry later?
You bet your bottom dollar we are.
-Yaas, queen.
-Okay, go off.
Okay, buss down.
Don't you say a motherfucking word.
Okay, this different.
Why, 'cause you're code switching
for pussy?
-[all laughing]
-She got you!
Oh, my God, Missy just said "pussy"
for the first time.
Oh! I did it! [laughs]
I said "pussy." Ha!
So is that a sheep, or is it a cloud?
Either way, it's genius.
Stop.
Stop right there. You're perfect.
-[laughs]
-You know it, too, don't you?
-You'll paint me like a French whore?
-Yeah.
-Should I take my shirt off?
-Yes, you'll be his muse.
Oh, monsieur!
Lay naked on a silk sheet, eating papaya.
Oh, yeah,
and I'll still be wearing my socks.
So what do you think?
-Think about what?
-My boyfriend. Do you like him?
-That guy?
-Yeah.
-That's your boyfriend?
-Yes.
Oh, I thought he said
he was dating a girl named Jessi Brown.
What's your deal?
You're not being very supportive.
What do you mean? We ditched
a school trip and came to visit you,
and now you're spending
your whole time time making out with a guy
who doesn't know your last name.
Whoa, Nick, dial it back,
you're sounding kinda jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I'm just looking out for my friend.
Really? 'Cause I think you got
a little upset
when you saw Jessi making out
with that international hunk of mancakes.
What? That's crazy.
-Come on, man. You like her!
-Huh?
I'm your hormone monstress, baby.
I know everything.
I'm watching you when you sleep,
when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo.
What? You're watching me while I shit?
Well, I'm into poo-poo.
Okay, then, for, like,
the sake of argument...
-Mm-hmm.
-...let's just say I did like Jessi.
What then? Would you tell her
to dump Michael Angelo and get with me?
[chuckles]
Nick, come on, you know I can't do that.
Why not?
I know you're her hormone monstress!
-Now, Nick--
-Tell her he fucking sucks!
No, I won't do that.
And you know what?
I do not like your tone.
-Well, I don't like your hair!
-[gasps] You take that back.
Oh, God, I-- I--
-No, Connie, don't cry.
-[sobbing]
-Connie, please, I'm sorry--
-[retches] When I cry, I barf.
Hey, guys, look at this!
Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art!
I'm an indictment of society.
See? This guy's an asshole.
He's got Andrew eating shit.
You're the only one who's mad.
Andrew likes it.
You're all under his spell!
You're the sheep eating his shit!
That's why it's brilliant.
You can use it in every situation.
-[imitates Michael Angelo] "Oh, can you?"
-Don't talk to him like that!
Sorry, babers.
He's too basic to understand
how complex and intense your work is.
-Happens all the time, love.
-And that fucking voice!
-What voice?
-[mocking] "What voice? What voice?"
The Jessi I knew would never
dumb herself down for some guy!
You're just pissed off
because I have somebody, and you don't!
And you're just hooking up
with some random asshole
'cause you're all sad that
your family's a fucked-up mess.
Oh, eat shit.
No, thanks, I'm not part of one of
your boyfriend's fake-ass "art" pieces!
Andrew,
let's get the fuck out of here.
Here's my e-mail, you know,
if you ever wanna paint me
getting pissed on by a computer,
or pissed on by you
and a group of your friends.
-You're the artist.
-Yeah.
I'll do whatever you want.
Man, today was just so dope!
Yeah, and I can't believe
I said the p-word.
Oh, I'm sorry if Lena made you
look like kind of a pussy.
[gasps] Whoa, I said it again!
This is incredible. I am really changing.
She was kind of making sense.
You know, being a fake version of myself
is definitely corny.
Yeah, but don't be hard on yourself.
Sometimes you have to code switch,
for safety or to get ahead
-in this honky town.
-[chuckles] I fuck with the new Missy.
Really?
You know, I just wish I could be myself
around my friends more.
You can always be yourself around me.
Aw, thanks, Missy.
Grab him and stick your tongue
down his throat!
Let's turn Ground Zero into Pound Zero!
Wow, you are so inappropriate.
That's my job.
And besides, I like Devon being my friend.
But he's the coolest boy in school.
And did you see his hot little nipples
in the Wakanda sequence?
Mona, you know I did,
but he's a married man.
Hmm. So was Robert Plant
when he took my virginity.
Come on, everybody,
get on the big, yellow car.
Oh, hey, Steve! We never got off the bus.
Yeah, we actually got off in the bus.
We rubbed fronts
until I cheesed into a hole in the seat.
Aw, I'm happy for you, Jay,
but I'm sad for me.
I'm sorry.
Did you not have a good birthday?
I'm never gonna celebrate my birthday
ever again.
You ruined Coach Steve's birthday.
I know that, Caleb.
Also, I got rock candy from the gift shop.
-[Devon] Hey, I love basketball.
-[camera clicking]
Those pictures of you are great.
Are you sure? What about this one?
It's kind of fucked up you spent
the whole day at the 9/11 Museum
-taking selfies.
-What the hell, Devon?
You were the perfect husband all day,
and now you ruined it right at the end?
-[Devon scoffs]
-Can I help you, Missy?
Do you and your little braids
have something to say?
Um, yeah.
As a matter of fact, I do.
You don't get to talk
about the way I look!
And you sure as fuck...
Yeah, I said the f-word!
...don't get to tell me how Black I am!
-What?
-That's right, you rank-ass bitch!
I'm keepin' it 98, plus a one, and a two!
-[all laughing]
-Oh, shit. Now, that's 100.
[Jessi]
So, how many of these are you gonna do?
Babe, don't interrupt me
while I'm creating.
Would you ask the other Michelangelo
how many Mona Lisas he's gonna make?
-I think that was Da Vinci.
-I think you're interrupting me again.
Oh, no. Is it possible Nick was right?
[sighs] Is Michael Angelo a bad guy?
I don't wanna get
in the middle of this shit,
but I will say Nick's got
a dark fuckin' heart
and a mean, shitty soul
and fucked-up opinions about hair.
You're right.
He's an asshole. Thank you.
I don't know,
I think maybe Nick has a point.
Oh, shit. She's back?
But she can't break up
with Michael Angelo.
Then she'll have nothing.
Come on! Not Kitty, too.
-Shit!
-Oh, God.
Kitty's right.
You don't go to school anymore.
You don't have friends!
We gotta hold onto Michael Angelo
for dear life...
[sighs] I think they're right, Connie.
All right, baby.
Well, there's just one thing I gotta do.
Okay, everybody, come on.
Up here, up here.
Hey, Nick. Can we talk?
About what? How hot and cool
and mysterious Michael Angelo is?
No, honey, we need to talk about us.
-Fine, let's just do it on the bus.
-I'm not getting on the bus, sweetie.
Why, 'cause it smells like BO and jizz?
No, those are my favorite smells.
You know that.
No. Nick, I can't do this.
Uh, what do you mean?
I mean I can't be
your hormone monstress anymore.
Oh, come on. We had one fight!
Is this about the hair comment?
-Look, I'm sorry.
-No.
It's not that. Although, motherfucker--
Hey.
Listen, we had some great times together,
and I know you're gonna make
some other monster really, really happy.
Hold on!
Are you, like,
breaking up with me right now?
Is this because of Jessi?
I was with her first.
It's a conflict of interest--
Fine! You know what? Let's break up.
Look, I think you're a wonderful boy--
Oh, thank you.
You know what? You don't get
to be nice to me now, Connie.
That's not how this works, and FYI,
-we won't be friends after this.
-Wait, come on.
Don't contact me on my birthday.
I'm not rooting for you.
If anyone asks,
I'm gonna say bad stuff about you.
-I can tell you're upset--
-I'm not upset!
Actually, Connie, I'm relieved.
'Cause I don't need you
and I don't need anybody.
Okay, fine.
Goodbye, Nick.
Fuck you, Connie.
Your hair's dry, use conditioner.
You don't mean that! My hair is fantastic.
[moans]
Everybody, there's a very sweet man
on this bus...
Is his name Thomas Donut?
...who no matter what happens to him...
Something happened to Thomas Donut?
...always stays positive...
Oh, he means Magic Johnson.
...and he would never be mean
to anybody...
Alex Baldwin.
...and it's his birthday today.
It's Alex Baldwin's birthday?
It's you, Steve.
♪ Happy birthday to-- ♪
No, no, no! I'm not gonna celebrate
my birthday anymore.
But we have to, Steve.
Because if we don't,
then the terrorists win.
Whoa!
We can't let that happen!
[Lola] Um, excuse me!
But, like, when you actually think
about it...
Uh-oh.
...given their stated goals, and the way
in which America's foreign policy
has become increasingly isolationist...
-Oh, boy.
-...it's fair to say
that the terrorists, like, did, in fact,
very much win.
Happy 9/11, everybody!
[chuckles nervously]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-♪ Happy birthday, Thomas Donut ♪
-♪ Happy birthday, Coach Steve ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-[groans]
-[Tito buzzes]
-["Bury a Friend" playing]
-♪ I wanna end me ♪
♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me ♪
♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
♪ What do you want from me?
Why don't you run from me? ♪
♪ What are you wondering?
What do you know? ♪
♪ Why aren't you scared of me?
Why do you care for me? ♪
♪ When we all fall asleep
Where do we go? ♪
-♪ Listen ♪
-♪ Keep you in the dark ♪
♪ What had you expected?
Me to make you my art ♪
♪ And make you a star
And get you connected? ♪
♪ I'll meet you in the park
I'll be calm and collected ♪
♪ But we knew right from the start
That you'd fall apart ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm too expensive ♪
♪ It's probably something
That shouldn't be said out loud ♪
[kazoo plays]
-[man] Fathouse.
-[ticking]
-[man] Chirp.
-[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."
The 9/11 Museum is a serious place,
and I know it's the new thing,
but please, please,
-no gummy arms today.
-[students laughing]
What about gummy chest hair?
Mamma mia, Lumpy likey.
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ [hums]
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
Oh, my God, Steve!
You were born on September 11th?
Yeah, today.
Can you believe they did a whole museum
for when I dropped out
of my mommy's sweetie?
Okay. So even accepting that
that's what the 9/11 Museum is for,
you really think our whole grade loaded
into a bus
to celebrate your birthday?
I can't tell you,
or my wish won't come true.
My wish is that I tinkled
before the bus ride.
Ooh! My stomach has a headache.
This is Jessi's new boyfriend, I guess.
Oh, Lord!
This guy's sensual and deep.
If I'm Diane Lane, I am cheating
on my mean old husband with this one.
Spray-painting shirtless?
Ugh! So thirsty.
I know. It's like,
ditch the pants already.
What, is he sweating in that picture?
Click on that. Screen-grab it.
Now email it to my secret account,
then delete it from Sent Items. Whatever.
I'm gonna text Jessi.
We should all meet up in the city.
Ugh. If they're forcing us
to meet Michael Angelo,
let's just get it over with.
Yeah! I mean, he'll sit on your chest,
you'll sit on his.
Who cares?
Just send the goddamn picture already.
Fucking send it. Whatever.
[laughs] Hey! Missy got her hair braided.
The new look is tight.
Thanks, Devon!
My head has been throbbing for weeks,
so I actually really needed
the positive reinforcement.
Wow. So cute.
You have Black girl hair now.
I've never really thought of you
as, like, a "Black" Black girl.
Oh, it's cool how you found a way
for a compliment to shake me to my core.
Who the fuck made this little white bitch
the authority on Blackness?
Let's slit her fucking throat.
Or, counter idea,
we peel a kiwi and look down
for the rest of the bus ride?
[both moaning, grunting]
-Hey, babe.
-What?
-What's going on?
-What do you mean?
Well, you're not sucking my tongue
like it's gonna cum
like a tiny little dick in my mouth,
like you normally do.
I guess, like, 9/11 is a bit
of a hot-button issue for me, and as such,
my mind happens to be elsewhere.
9/11 makes everyone upset.
-It makes me more upset, Jay!
-Okay...
I have a personal connection
to the tragedy.
-I didn't know.
-My mom's ex-boyfriend died in 9/11.
Fuck! Was he in one of the towers?
No, Jay. He was flying one of the planes.
So... he was a pilot?
Kind of. Like, towards the end he was.
Oh. Wait a minute.
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪
[both kissing wetly]
Mmm. You taste like a song.
You taste like, um, tiramisu.
That's my vape pen.
-You know how to vape, right?
-Yeah.
You just put your lips together
and suck until it lights up.
[sighs] Connie, this is a lot.
-Do it.
-Really?
Suck his Juul until it lights up,
and you gotta put your pussy
in a USB port.
Put it in a USB port?
I don't know. I don't do computers.
Just suck that electric dick.
[inhales, coughs] Smooth.
It feels really good to smoke.
Thank you.
-Oh, shit.
-What? What is it?
It's inspiration tugging on my leg again.
[Jessi] Okay.
Oh, my God, he is so fucking hot.
And as soon as he showed up,
no more Depression Kitty,
no more Anxiety Mosquito,
no more Self-Harm Walrus.
-Who's that?
-Oh, nobody.
Don't worry about it.
But do let me know if you see him.
-[cell phone chimes]
-Ooh, you got a text!
Oh, cool. Nick and Andrew are on the way
to the city.
-[spray can hissing]
-Hey, um... babers.
My friends from home are in town.
-Should we all, like, hang out?
-Eh.
Or is that, like, so dumb?
No, no, it's just, you know,
suburban kids sound very, um...
cola-and-potato-chips-rah-rah-
at-the-baseball-match type of thing.
Yeah,
it's so rah-rah-at-the-baseball-match.
-Totally.
-Yeah.
It's dumb, but I'd still love for them
to just, like, meet you and your art.
Yeah, whatever you want, baby girl.
-Ooh! He called you "baby girl."
-Connie, what the hell are you doing?
-I'm plugging my pussy in the USB port.
-Oh, God.
I gotta be careful, though,
'cause when I updated my butthole,
I lost all my contacts.
Wow! So many people here
to celebrate my birthday.
I know. What a great turnout.
Yay!
So you really have no idea
what happened here.
-That's right.
-Do the Twin Towers ring a bell?
Georgetown's Alonzo Mourning
and Dikembe Mutombo?
The Twin Towers is another name
for the World Trade Center.
Shh! Caleb! I'm trying
to fuck with Coach Steve.
In light of the tragedy
that occurred here,
that seems insensitive at best.
Oh, come on!
9/11 happened before we were even born.
Am I also supposed to care
about Hurricane Katrina or Columbine?
-Yes.
-Relax, I'm just being funny. [chuckles]
No one is laughing.
Now, Steve...
Yes, Matthew.
We're gonna do your birthday cake inside,
so I need you to tell Ms. Benitez
that 9/11 is an inside job.
Okay.
Hey, Ms. B.
I'm supposed to tell you
that cats are inside dogs.
-That's very good, Steve.
-Thank you.
Okay, the teachers seem preoccupied,
so let's get out of here.
Maury, come on. We're leaving.
One sec, I just need to get
one good shot of my boys
in front of the reflecting pool.
Hey, guys.
Guys. No gummy arms. Not the place.
-[camera clicks]
-Eleven September.
-Such a tragedy.
-Yes. So much wasted flesh.
Did you forget that we were
fine young cannibals?
It must drive you crazy... [chuckles]
…that you cannot help any of your
beloved characters from where you are.
Wow, you look so great, babe.
I don't wanna look great,
I wanna look upset and sexy,
like Melania.
-Give me the phone. I will do it myself.
-[camera clicks]
-Oh, maybe my old look was more me.
-[clears throat]
-Hey, Missy.
-Oh, hey, Devon.
Look, I'm sorry Devin said that
stupid shit about your hair on the bus.
Yeah, it was not, um... 100.
Sure, "100."
It's just that I'm really struggling
with my racial identity right now.
-Uh...
-My mom's white. My dad's Black.
I'm voiced by a white actress
who's 37 years old.
Ugh! It's all very overwhelming.
Yeah, I hear that.
I'm secretly old as hell, but I'm--
Oh! My cousin Lena just invited me
to a Jay-Z party.
What's The Blueprint?
What? Are you kidding me?
The Blueprint is Jay-Z's album
that came out, like, on 9/11.
We gotta go!
I don't know if we should leave the group.
Aka, I'm afraid to leave the group.
No, we gotta go. Come on!
I wanna hang out
with cool Black college kids.
Well, it would be nice to see my cousin.
But, uh... what about, um...
-Devin?
-No, she can't come!
This party's for cool people,
not rank-ass bitches.
Don't worry, Missy, I got it.
-[Devon] Wow! You look great!
-[camera clicks]
You're, like, way prettier than her.
Yes, I know. Obviously.
Let's go!
Let's go,
while Coach Steven is distracted.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Your clothes look like the woods. So...
-Guys, over here!
-[in New York accent] New York Jessi!
Come on with the Mets, Jets,
Knicks and Rangers already!
[in New York accent] Hey, taxi, take me
to pizza and put a bagel on it!
-All right!
-Stand clear of the closing doors, please!
Hey, babe.
[in sultry voice] Um, hey, babe.
This is, like, Nick and Andrew.
[speaking normally] What is that voice?
-Oh, me, oh, my. Mm!
-Okay.
All right, well, we get it.
She's your girlfriend.
You possess her. [chuckles]
Sorry, some of us are feminists, so...
Time's up! [chuckles]
[mumbles] Be patient, Nick.
Let's watch this play out a little.
Mm. He is pretty yummy, isn't he?
What? No!
And what's with all those stupid pins?
I mean, "Vote" and "Anarchy"? I think
those cancel each other out, right?
Andrew, you should be taking notes.
Oh, don't worry, I'm filming the whole
thing, Impractical Jokers style.
We can get out of here if you
wanna french the life out of our friend.
Sorry, Nick.
It's my bad, bruv.
Can't keep my lips off her, you know?
Yeah, I actually do know.
We made out once, so...
-Brilliant.
-It was pretty brilliant.
So you understand what it's like,
the intoxication of it all.
I mean, she didn't say
it was so intoxicating, but--
Nick, you can butt out right now.
I'm in recovery. I'm not trying
to get intoxicated as much.
-Nick...
-Good for you.
Do I detect an accent,
or are you just British to see me?
[imitates British accent]
Sir Andrew Glouberman.
At your service, my liege.
Hey, what's up with Jessi?
She's smoking and talking all weird
around this poser.
Yeah, who does this delicious
piece of shit think he is?
-Did you say "delicious"?
-Yeah!
With his curly, brown hair looking
like cute little popcorn shrimps. Mm!
What are you talking about?
Oh, Nicholas, my bad.
Yeah, he's a poser, is how...
is how you feel.
Yeah, that's how I feel.
Is that how you feel?
Of... of course.
-[inhales]
-Hubba, hubba.
Look at those lips.
Yeah, and check out
them stupid fuckin' pins on his jacket.
They're not stupid.
One says, "Kill your television."
That's cool.
But another one says "Comcast."
He's probably making, like, a statement.
What is your problem?
I didn't sleep so good last night.
-My Airbnb's above a Barry's Bootcamp.
-Okay.
I heard a marketing executive blow out
her knee this morning doing lunges.
-So?
-Then they shot her, Jessi!
Alison is dead!
But I'll try to do better
with your Michael Angelo situation.
Holy Scott Foley, I can't believe
we're being so Whiskey Cavalier
about sneaking away from a field trip!
[laughs] I'm gonna need you to calm down.
Hey, my bad, big dawg.
Ain't nothin', bro,
you didn't even scuff the Forces.
Shit, I'd have gave myself the fade
right quick.
You're stupid, bro. On God, though,
I'm trying to get like you.
Nah, I'm trying to get like you.
Yo, stay up, fam.
Stay up, bro.
I've never heard you talk
like that before.
How do you talk to Black people?
-The same way I talk to white people.
-[laughs]
-What?
-Are you serious?
You don't have one of these?
-What?
-You don't have a code switch?
No. How does a code switch work?
Well, it's a little tricky,
but let me break it down for you.
♪ As a Black kid you gotta learn
This handy trick of social self-defense ♪
♪ You switch up your speak
And give your manner a tweak ♪
♪ Depending on the audience ♪
♪ I'll be Will Smith witty
Or cool like Diddy ♪
♪ Or affable as you please ♪
♪ 'Cause when you're young and Black
You develop a knack ♪
♪ For putting the world at ease ♪
♪ It's called code-switchin' ♪
♪ And I'm a master of the dial ♪
♪ I've got a different me
For every situation ♪
♪ No matter Black, white, old, or young ♪
♪ I can tune in to your tongue ♪
♪ And nobody can tell ♪
♪ Which one's the real me, yeah ♪
♪ For those timid white suburban moms ♪
♪ I'm humble, saccharine-sweet ♪
♪ Just a skinny Kenan Thompson, ma'am ♪
♪ No need to cross the street ♪
♪ For older Blacks, I'll dial it back ♪
♪ Play the respectful grandson role ♪
♪ They don't care for rap
Or hip-hoppity crap ♪
♪ So I'm warm as Motown soul ♪
♪ And I can charm
The old-school Italian cats ♪
♪ With a smile like Sammy Davis ♪
♪ But I always know that as soon as I go ♪
♪ They go straight back
To stone-cold racist ♪
♪ Code-switchin' ♪
♪ Got the whole world on my dial ♪
♪ And it's anybody's guess ♪
♪ Which one is me ♪
That was incredible!
Did I see a setting that says "pretzels"?
Hell, yeah! Yo, what's up, pretz?
[screams]
-I'm so fucking twisted!
-[heavy metal music plays]
Caleb, do you know where Coach Steve is?
I haven't seen him since I told him
he could go swimming
in the reflecting pool.
You should stop making fun of 9/11.
No, no, no, no.
I'm making fun of Steve,
the 9/11 of people.
[woman over PA] Could Matthew come
to the front desk please
and pick up your bestest friend?
I think we found the birthday boy.
[sobbing]
Hello, I'm Matthew.
Hi, Matthew.
Yeah, he shouldn't be
wandering around the museum
-without a guardian.
-Sorry about that.
Steve, are you crying
because you were lost?
Yeah, and 'cause I ate too many
commemorative keychains.
-Sure.
-And also, then I found out about 9/11.
Did you know all those people died
on my birthday?
I-- yes.
And you didn't tell me? Why?
Well, I thought it was funny,
but now I'm not so sure.
Kind of like Ace Ventura.
Wait, my birthday's an American tragedy
and Ace Ventura's not funny?
This is the worst day of my entire life.
Oh, man, I get it.
We're all the child.
And your news media's the fucking spoon,
innit?
I'll fuck a spoon if you watch, guv'nor.
It's lucky you guys had the day off today.
Well, actually, we kind of... [chuckles]
We kinda made our own luck. We ditched.
You skipped school?
Yeah. Jessi Brown, not present. [laughs]
Jessi Brown? Her last name is Glaser.
No, it's not, mate.
-Hey, Jessi, what's your surname?
-Yeah, tell us, Jessi.
It's honestly not important.
He can call you whatever he wants.
Even though it's kinda insane
he thinks your last name is Brown.
He knows me,
he doesn't have to know my name.
That's a low bar, Jessi Brown.
Could you just shut up and be horny?
Isn't that your job?
Hey! You don't come to my work
and slap the dick out of my mouth.
See, the media is the spoon,
do you get it? 'Cause I got it.
None of this means anything.
He's a phony
who doesn't even know Jessi's name.
He doesn't have to know her name.
He knows her!
Why are you defending him?
Hey! I don't come to your dick
and slap the house out of your mouth!
-Hey, Connie? Quick pow-wow.
-Yeah?
You seem a little...
I think the technical term is "fatutzed"?
Yeah, yeah, I'm overwhelmed, Maury.
-How's your blood shuggie?
-It's low, I guess.
-It's just, I got these two kids...
-Yeah.
Alison was executed at the boot camp--
-It's too much, Connie.
-It's too much!
I know. I mean, look at me.
I've got Andrew,
he's a jack-off machine, it's easy.
And Matthew, well,
he's more of a friend at this point.
And Nick,
he doesn't like Jessi's boyfriend.
Oh, that's 'cause,
well, 'cause he likes her.
-He what now?
-Oh, Connie,
it's clear as the dick on my face.
Nicorice likes Jennifer.
Let's roll the tape, boys.
We get it. She's your girlfriend.
You possess her. [chuckles]
Look at that stare,
his little fists balled up.
That's a jealous boy.
Oh, shit, Maury. You're right!
How could I be so blind?
Oh, wait, here's my student film I did
when I went to Columbia.
This shit again?
I was very attracted to that actress.
-I gave her so many notes.
-[gun cocks]
That was a real gun.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Sorry, I'm just--
I'm a little nervous.
I've never been to a college party before.
There's gonna be ass and chardonnay.
That's why I'm dialing my switch up
all the way to here!
"Supa dupa Black"?
Yeah, this party's gonna be
like a Jay-Z music video.
[hip hop music playing]
Holy honkers!
A pool in a boat in a pool on a building?
Well, that explains
why NYU is so expensive.
Yo, this party's gonna be so fire.
Yeah, everybody's gonna get burnt up
to a crisp,
and there'll be flames coming out of--
I don't know. I wish I had one
of those code switches.
Don't even worry about it. I got you.
I'm about to be Black enough
for both of us.
-Okay.
-I'm going buck-fucking-wild up there!
Again, did you say "butt fucking"?
Or are you saying "buck fucking"?
I'm fine with either, I just--
I wanna know what the vibe is.
Yo, cousin!
And you got a little homie with you.
Hey, Lena. I hope it's okay
that I brought my classmate Devon.
Thought Bridgeton didn't have
other Black kids.
[scoffs]
Naw, B, I hold it down up there. Trust!
You holdin' down the mean streets
of Westchester, big guy?
On my mama, it's secured.
I got the 9-1-4 on lock. It's handled, Ma.
Okay, chill out
with the Nick Cannon energy.
Devon isn't set to Nick Cannon.
-He's actually set to supa dupa Black.
-[Devon mumbles]
He has this incredible thing
called a code switch.
-Missy, chill, chill.
-Do you have a code switch, Lena?
Hell, no,
I broke that shit a long time ago.
I only kept "Pretzels"
'cause their music is twisted.
[screams] Break my body!
Why'd you break it? It seems so useful.
It's oppressive.
-Aligning yourself with white norms
-[bong gurgling]
…just to be deemed
a nonthreatening Black person?
And it doesn't work the other way around.
-Oh, that's true.
-We gotta know about the Beatles,
but they ain't gotta know shit
about Jodeci.
Now, if I had that point,
I'd have said Bell Biv DeVoe.
Now you know. [chuckles]
That's all fine in theory. That's cute.
But what about interviewing
to get into college?
Or trying to get a hand job
from your white wife?
No, no, no! That's some bullshit!
Just because I'm a minority,
I need to minimize my culture?
Wow! What a gorgeous and spirited
exchange of ideas! I love partying.
I thought this was gonna be a Jay-Z video,
not an episode of Dear White People.
No, shh! This is so much better.
It feels like...
It feels like Wakanda!
I refuse to soften my tone
or remove slang from my vocabulary
just to be compatible with a system
created on stolen land and slave labor!
Ooh, yeah! Speak on it.
I'm gonna talk how I talk,
like Ryan Coogler.
He'll be on The View
sounding Black as fuck.
-Even Whoopi be confused.
-Oh, please!
You think Ryan Coogler sounds the same
at a cookout in East Oakland
as he does in a boardroom at Disney?
You know who doesn't code switch?
Eeyore. He's always sad.
Ooh, that's true. That donkey suffers.
What about Jay-Z?
What about HOV?
You're celebrating him.
He's the ultimate code-switcher!
Look, man,
code-switching is corny as shit.
I'm not corny.
I'm super popular at school.
Let's dissect this, though!
Why do they like you?
Because you fill the role
as the cool Black kid
in a suburban white middle school?
You hoop? You know how to do
the latest viral dance?
You do the "woah" for them?
-[knock on door]
-Shh! You guys, hide the bong!
I don't give a shit! If that's
the motherfucking RA, I'm about to--
Oh, hey, Nadia.
Hey.
Are we still going to Pinkberry later?
You bet your bottom dollar we are.
-Yaas, queen.
-Okay, go off.
Okay, buss down.
Don't you say a motherfucking word.
Okay, this different.
Why, 'cause you're code switching
for pussy?
-[all laughing]
-She got you!
Oh, my God, Missy just said "pussy"
for the first time.
Oh! I did it! [laughs]
I said "pussy." Ha!
So is that a sheep, or is it a cloud?
Either way, it's genius.
Stop.
Stop right there. You're perfect.
-[laughs]
-You know it, too, don't you?
-You'll paint me like a French whore?
-Yeah.
-Should I take my shirt off?
-Yes, you'll be his muse.
Oh, monsieur!
Lay naked on a silk sheet, eating papaya.
Oh, yeah,
and I'll still be wearing my socks.
So what do you think?
-Think about what?
-My boyfriend. Do you like him?
-That guy?
-Yeah.
-That's your boyfriend?
-Yes.
Oh, I thought he said
he was dating a girl named Jessi Brown.
What's your deal?
You're not being very supportive.
What do you mean? We ditched
a school trip and came to visit you,
and now you're spending
your whole time time making out with a guy
who doesn't know your last name.
Whoa, Nick, dial it back,
you're sounding kinda jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I'm just looking out for my friend.
Really? 'Cause I think you got
a little upset
when you saw Jessi making out
with that international hunk of mancakes.
What? That's crazy.
-Come on, man. You like her!
-Huh?
I'm your hormone monstress, baby.
I know everything.
I'm watching you when you sleep,
when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo.
What? You're watching me while I shit?
Well, I'm into poo-poo.
Okay, then, for, like,
the sake of argument...
-Mm-hmm.
-...let's just say I did like Jessi.
What then? Would you tell her
to dump Michael Angelo and get with me?
[chuckles]
Nick, come on, you know I can't do that.
Why not?
I know you're her hormone monstress!
-Now, Nick--
-Tell her he fucking sucks!
No, I won't do that.
And you know what?
I do not like your tone.
-Well, I don't like your hair!
-[gasps] You take that back.
Oh, God, I-- I--
-No, Connie, don't cry.
-[sobbing]
-Connie, please, I'm sorry--
-[retches] When I cry, I barf.
Hey, guys, look at this!
Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art!
I'm an indictment of society.
See? This guy's an asshole.
He's got Andrew eating shit.
You're the only one who's mad.
Andrew likes it.
You're all under his spell!
You're the sheep eating his shit!
That's why it's brilliant.
You can use it in every situation.
-[imitates Michael Angelo] "Oh, can you?"
-Don't talk to him like that!
Sorry, babers.
He's too basic to understand
how complex and intense your work is.
-Happens all the time, love.
-And that fucking voice!
-What voice?
-[mocking] "What voice? What voice?"
The Jessi I knew would never
dumb herself down for some guy!
You're just pissed off
because I have somebody, and you don't!
And you're just hooking up
with some random asshole
'cause you're all sad that
your family's a fucked-up mess.
Oh, eat shit.
No, thanks, I'm not part of one of
your boyfriend's fake-ass "art" pieces!
Andrew,
let's get the fuck out of here.
Here's my e-mail, you know,
if you ever wanna paint me
getting pissed on by a computer,
or pissed on by you
and a group of your friends.
-You're the artist.
-Yeah.
I'll do whatever you want.
Man, today was just so dope!
Yeah, and I can't believe
I said the p-word.
Oh, I'm sorry if Lena made you
look like kind of a pussy.
[gasps] Whoa, I said it again!
This is incredible. I am really changing.
She was kind of making sense.
You know, being a fake version of myself
is definitely corny.
Yeah, but don't be hard on yourself.
Sometimes you have to code switch,
for safety or to get ahead
-in this honky town.
-[chuckles] I fuck with the new Missy.
Really?
You know, I just wish I could be myself
around my friends more.
You can always be yourself around me.
Aw, thanks, Missy.
Grab him and stick your tongue
down his throat!
Let's turn Ground Zero into Pound Zero!
Wow, you are so inappropriate.
That's my job.
And besides, I like Devon being my friend.
But he's the coolest boy in school.
And did you see his hot little nipples
in the Wakanda sequence?
Mona, you know I did,
but he's a married man.
Hmm. So was Robert Plant
when he took my virginity.
Come on, everybody,
get on the big, yellow car.
Oh, hey, Steve! We never got off the bus.
Yeah, we actually got off in the bus.
We rubbed fronts
until I cheesed into a hole in the seat.
Aw, I'm happy for you, Jay,
but I'm sad for me.
I'm sorry.
Did you not have a good birthday?
I'm never gonna celebrate my birthday
ever again.
You ruined Coach Steve's birthday.
I know that, Caleb.
Also, I got rock candy from the gift shop.
-[Devon] Hey, I love basketball.
-[camera clicking]
Those pictures of you are great.
Are you sure? What about this one?
It's kind of fucked up you spent
the whole day at the 9/11 Museum
-taking selfies.
-What the hell, Devon?
You were the perfect husband all day,
and now you ruined it right at the end?
-[Devon scoffs]
-Can I help you, Missy?
Do you and your little braids
have something to say?
Um, yeah.
As a matter of fact, I do.
You don't get to talk
about the way I look!
And you sure as fuck...
Yeah, I said the f-word!
...don't get to tell me how Black I am!
-What?
-That's right, you rank-ass bitch!
I'm keepin' it 98, plus a one, and a two!
-[all laughing]
-Oh, shit. Now, that's 100.
[Jessi]
So, how many of these are you gonna do?
Babe, don't interrupt me
while I'm creating.
Would you ask the other Michelangelo
how many Mona Lisas he's gonna make?
-I think that was Da Vinci.
-I think you're interrupting me again.
Oh, no. Is it possible Nick was right?
[sighs] Is Michael Angelo a bad guy?
I don't wanna get
in the middle of this shit,
but I will say Nick's got
a dark fuckin' heart
and a mean, shitty soul
and fucked-up opinions about hair.
You're right.
He's an asshole. Thank you.
I don't know,
I think maybe Nick has a point.
Oh, shit. She's back?
But she can't break up
with Michael Angelo.
Then she'll have nothing.
Come on! Not Kitty, too.
-Shit!
-Oh, God.
Kitty's right.
You don't go to school anymore.
You don't have friends!
We gotta hold onto Michael Angelo
for dear life...
[sighs] I think they're right, Connie.
All right, baby.
Well, there's just one thing I gotta do.
Okay, everybody, come on.
Up here, up here.
Hey, Nick. Can we talk?
About what? How hot and cool
and mysterious Michael Angelo is?
No, honey, we need to talk about us.
-Fine, let's just do it on the bus.
-I'm not getting on the bus, sweetie.
Why, 'cause it smells like BO and jizz?
No, those are my favorite smells.
You know that.
No. Nick, I can't do this.
Uh, what do you mean?
I mean I can't be
your hormone monstress anymore.
Oh, come on. We had one fight!
Is this about the hair comment?
-Look, I'm sorry.
-No.
It's not that. Although, motherfucker--
Hey.
Listen, we had some great times together,
and I know you're gonna make
some other monster really, really happy.
Hold on!
Are you, like,
breaking up with me right now?
Is this because of Jessi?
I was with her first.
It's a conflict of interest--
Fine! You know what? Let's break up.
Look, I think you're a wonderful boy--
Oh, thank you.
You know what? You don't get
to be nice to me now, Connie.
That's not how this works, and FYI,
-we won't be friends after this.
-Wait, come on.
Don't contact me on my birthday.
I'm not rooting for you.
If anyone asks,
I'm gonna say bad stuff about you.
-I can tell you're upset--
-I'm not upset!
Actually, Connie, I'm relieved.
'Cause I don't need you
and I don't need anybody.
Okay, fine.
Goodbye, Nick.
Fuck you, Connie.
Your hair's dry, use conditioner.
You don't mean that! My hair is fantastic.
[moans]
Everybody, there's a very sweet man
on this bus...
Is his name Thomas Donut?
...who no matter what happens to him...
Something happened to Thomas Donut?
...always stays positive...
Oh, he means Magic Johnson.
...and he would never be mean
to anybody...
Alex Baldwin.
...and it's his birthday today.
It's Alex Baldwin's birthday?
It's you, Steve.
♪ Happy birthday to-- ♪
No, no, no! I'm not gonna celebrate
my birthday anymore.
But we have to, Steve.
Because if we don't,
then the terrorists win.
Whoa!
We can't let that happen!
[Lola] Um, excuse me!
But, like, when you actually think
about it...
Uh-oh.
...given their stated goals, and the way
in which America's foreign policy
has become increasingly isolationist...
-Oh, boy.
-...it's fair to say
that the terrorists, like, did, in fact,
very much win.
Happy 9/11, everybody!
[chuckles nervously]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-♪ Happy birthday, Thomas Donut ♪
-♪ Happy birthday, Coach Steve ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-[groans]
-[Tito buzzes]
-["Bury a Friend" playing]
-♪ I wanna end me ♪
♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me ♪
♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
♪ What do you want from me?
Why don't you run from me? ♪
♪ What are you wondering?
What do you know? ♪
♪ Why aren't you scared of me?
Why do you care for me? ♪
♪ When we all fall asleep
Where do we go? ♪
-♪ Listen ♪
-♪ Keep you in the dark ♪
♪ What had you expected?
Me to make you my art ♪
♪ And make you a star
And get you connected? ♪
♪ I'll meet you in the park
I'll be calm and collected ♪
♪ But we knew right from the start
That you'd fall apart ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm too expensive ♪
♪ It's probably something
That shouldn't be said out loud ♪
[kazoo plays]
-[man] Fathouse.
-[ticking]
-[man] Chirp.
-[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."