Big Love (2006–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - Roberta's Funeral - full transcript

- I want to have your baby.
- Yeah, yeah.

I want to have your baby.

Give me a boy, Bill.

Come on, give me a boy!

What do you think of the name Newel?

I think it says, "Kick me and take my lunch money."

Well, think of boy names.

We should name him after you.

We could do that.

I'll come up with a list.

Nicki.



Hi, honey.

Didn't know you were back.

He's back.

Nicki, um, my garbage disposal broke again.

What do you put down there?

Nothing.

Why do I always have to fix everything?

- Margie...
- Yeah?

Why don't you have Ben take a look at it?

But do not call a plumber.

Okay.

I gotta get back to the office.

Thanks for coming by on such short notice.

Nicki, you don'tave to thank me.



I'll call you later.

I gotta get.

Why, Lois.

Look at this.

The prodigal wife returneth.

Come back to take your rightful place with us, did ya?

Hello, Lois.

There's nothing sadder than the passing of a beloved sisterwife, is there?

What do you got there?

Cornbread.

Sweet, savory, or...

strychnine?

May we converse in private?

There ought not be secrets between us, sister Lois.

You know that.

Why don't you all fix me something to eat?

No desserts

and not a lot of green.

Yes, my darlin'?

Cut it out, Frank.

I've come to collect on your promise to me.

It's my time to become first wife.

I don't believe it.

You said when Roberta passed we'd be legally wed.

As second wife, I'm entitled.

It's right, it's proper, it's what's due me, and I want it.

Please.

It's a piece of paper

and half an hour to the county clerk's office to make me legal.

I don't think so.

Not if you were to put a gun to my head.

And knowing you as well as I do,

I can see that as a very distinct possibility.

Frank... you are Satan himself.

Maybe you should have been a little nicer to me

while you had the chance.

Hey, Lois, don't forget the old cornbread.

Don't think there's many folks here

that are going to actually eat any of your biscuits.

Roman Grant, please.

Bill Henrickson.

It's me, Roman.

I'd like to sit down with you and see if we can't reach an agreement.

Enough's enough.

That's right. I am.

Tomorrow.

Nice shot.

Listen, I'm gonna be gone for a couple of days.

Keep an eye on things for me, all right?

Where are you going?

Roberta's funeral.

Mom said you weren't going.

Well, I thought twice and changed my mind.

Roberta was good to me growing up.

Act in my place.

You're the man of the house while I'm gone.

Okay.

Help out your moms.

Watch over them.

Call me if you need anything.

Oh, and would you take a look at Margene's garbage disposal? I think it's busted.

Sure thing.

Love you, Ben.

# Michael, row the boat ashore #

# Pull the sheet up #

# Michael, row the boat-- #

- Hey, Nicki.
- Yeah?

I'm making the schedule. Hi sweetie.

I'm here too.

Oh, hi honey, I didn't see you.

I'm right here.

Boys, why don't you go visit with Teenie.

What about the schedule?

I thought maybe you could look at your calendar

and give me an estimate of your cycle.

My "cycle" cycle?

If you have rough idea when you're ovulating

I can schedule you and Bill for those days.

Why don't we just do it like we used to--

keep to the schedule and give him to me in addition on an as-needed basis.

Well, of course, it's not an exact science,

but if we could work out a ballpark guess,

it'd be much more efficient.

But the chances of getting pregnant are much better if I can monitor my temperature.

I can't do that in advance.

Yes, but you only ovulate two days a month.

You're so persistent.

Sorry, I guess I'm in organizational overdrive today.

Yeah, you do that when Bill goes away.

Oh, that's not true.

I'll just leave it with you. Get it back to me when you can,

but, you know, I'll need it before next week.

So, I've been meaning to tell you...

I was wrong about Bill.

Wrong? How?

He's not seeing a fourth.

Oh, I never thought he was.

What gave you that idea anyway?

Oh, little things.

He wasn't where he said he'd be,

leaving the house at odd hours...

But it turns out I just had my signals crossed.

Well, that's easy to do.

Saying hello to my mother, if that's all right with you.

Oh my word. What are you doing here?

Thought I'd come up to see you.

Looky here.

It's small enough so you can take it to work with you.

For heaven's sake, would you look at this?

You know, we need to look into getting you a little satellite dish.

Oh, I don't need anything fancy.

But... you drove all the way up here just to give me this?

Mostly. I wanted to bring it to you.

I figured I'd stay with Joey and go to Roberta's funeral too.

What for?

It's the right thing to do.

Let your father walk all over her.

Never a word against him, no matter what horrible thing he did.

Just lay down and let him wipe his feet on her back.

Mother, you taught us to love her.

You'll have to set that up for me.

You just plug it in.

Ro-ber-ta.

Your father has taken this sad occasion

to once more shame me and our entire family.

What now?

I wanted to finally make you and Joey and your poor sister legitimate,

but he refuses to make me his legal wife.

Come on, mom.

"Come on" what?

You don't need to make me legitimate, or Joey.

And... Maggie's gone, but she wouldn't have cared either.

Well... it's not just that.

I suppose I--

I suppose I thought I'd finally have some protection.

I don't own a thing.

This house and the gas station--

priesthood council owns it all.

I just wanted something to fall back on, but,

well...

I'm just out here.

Didn't used to be that way.

I know.

Your grandfather was a great man, a true prophet.

This isn't the life that was intended for me or you or Joey.

It's okay.

I'm doing fine, ma.

I know you are.

It's the rest of us I'm worried about.

I don't know why it keeps breaking.

Did you put something down here you're not supposed to?

Like what?

Like metal?

Why would I put metal down the sink?

I don't know.

I don't think I did.

At least this time it drains, but the blades won't turn.

I don't know what to do.

Your father said we could not call a plumber.

I know.

Do you think he's a cheapskate?

Um, I believe the word is thrifty.

Is that what the word is? Is the word "thrifty"?

- Shut up. Shut up.
- "Thrifty, the word is thrifty."

- Don't be stupid, you moron.
- You moron!

- Give it back.
- What do you mean--

But today, take a look at how the water has pushed back.

It's not even close to us. It's way out...

Hey, Nicki.

- Nicki.
- Yeah?

Could you take a look at Margene's garbage disposal?

I can't figure out what's wrong with it.

- Anyway, come on in.
- Yeah...

It's gonna be great once we finish fixing it up.

It just needs a bit more elbow grease.

We're gonna add on, make more room for the baby.

I think you did a real nice job.

- Here, sorry, let me get your stuff.
- Thanks.

- You'll sleep here.
- Super.

- I'm not putting you out, am I?
- No no no.

So what, you're going to see Roman while you're here?

Nah. I just wanted to pay respects to Roberta.

Well, you know I can go with you, Bill, if you want.

No, I'm fine.

I want to be absolutely sure that you had no part in any of these land sales

that are pending in the lawsuit against Roman.

I'm clean as a whistle.

Good.

Huh? I remember these.

Just don't do anything stupid, Bill. Okay?

Me? I'm the smartest guy you know.

Who wants some cheesy toast?

What? Oh, Bill.

Hello. What are you doing here?

I came for the funeral.

Of course you did. How nice.

Nice to see you too. I was hoping to have a word with Roman.

Oh, the prophet's not hearing any requests tonight. We're closed. Sorry.

I spoke to him this morning. We agreed to meet tomorrow.

Maybe you could fit us in.

I can tell you he's booked solid tomorrow.

It's important.

He'll see you at 10:00 tomorrow morning. Please be prompt.

I always am.

I know you are, dear.

Hey, Bill.

Wanda,

whatcha doin'?

Caulking.

Say, how's Joey doing?

Good so far. He's been sober for seven months,

and everyone says the first year is the real test, so we're over halfway there.

Come on!

Oh no, I'm not seeing him.

Don't make Joey be alone with him.

Let's go.

Get your brother.

So...

What?

I'm having an affair.

With who?

Bill.

Your husband Bill?

Shh. Yes. Yes.

All right. At first, I didn know what was happening,

but we started meeting in motels.

I don't like the sneaking around.

Actually, I love the sneaking around. It is so exciting.

- What?
- I don't know.

I guess I'm just surprised is all.

What do you expect to come of this?

Well, I'm not actually thinking of what's going to come of it. I'm just enjoying it.

I thought you'd find it... amusing.

I just-- I think--

No, I guess I just thought that if anyone else could relate to this, you could.

I understand that it's difficult sometimes to feel special in your marriage,

but this is kind of dangerous, don't you think?

I think you're overdramatizing.

Well, I wouldn't want Don to do it to me.

Look, you love Bill,

but so do the two other women who are married to him

and their four children, who are your children too.

I think there is more to it than that.

It's complicated.

It is, of course.

Look, Barb, I just don't want to see you getting hurt.

He's not going to leave his wives.

Guess you heard your mother shot my tires out.

No, I didn't hear that.

Brand new radials.

What time you got?

7:40.

Close at 9:00.

Shot every single one of them. Radials!

She said you threatened to kill her.

No, you said she tried to kill me.

No, I did not explicitly say that.

What are you, a lawyer?

I explicitly endured 14 shots of dimercaporal in my stomach

and she has the audacity to ask me to make her first wife?

Let me tell you two guys something:

I will never under any circumstances let that woman

have one sliver of contentment!

Not if I can have anything to do with it,

and it this case I do have something to do with it.

It's good you came down, Bill,

paid your respects to Roberta. That was good.

She did a lot for you, Bill.

She got you to stop stuttering.

I don't know how she ever did that.

You were one wacky kid.

You remember, Joey, how he used to get up there to give testimony.

Yeah. You know what, dad? That's enough.

He used to get up...

clear his throat, and he'd open his mouth--

"b-dah b-dah b-dah b-dah b-dah"...

He sounded like porky pig.

It was funny.

You guys.

Your mother always told everybody that she married beneath her.

Yeah?

Well, looky now.

I'm on the priesthood council...

and she is a train wreck.

Hi.

I have a little project.

Come on, Joey. Stop dawdling.

You act like you're still on those pills, walking around in a fog half the time.

I was going to get some oil.

Calm down. He's doing you a favor. You should be thanking him.

No, he should be thanking me.

I don't know how you stand him.

I try not to spend much time with him is all.

- Yeah.
- Hurry up.

- It's kind of fancy though.
- Good craftsmanship.

Here she is. This is it.

279.99.

Dad, maybe that one's not in stock, or--

Not in stock? This one.

This is the one.

It's made out of particle board and felt.

And it's got a broken handle.

They'll give us a discount. Get the truck, Joey. We'll load it up. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa. We should get her something nicer.

Maybe this cherry one.

Roberta was a simple woman. She'd have never gone for a fancy coffin.

If you'd have bothered to spend time with her, you would have known that.

You should have done something nice for her while she was alive.

But if it means that much to you, you can buy the cheaper one.

Paul Bunyan, run the man's credit card. We're done here.

Come on, Joey. Get the truck. Let's go.

The nurses are trying to kill me.

Nobody's trying to kill you, babe.

This is much sadder than I thought it would be.

I mean, "Love Actually."

I thought it meant actually love, you know?

I guess he's a schizophrenic, right? Isn't he?

Mmm. I think so.

Don't do that, my darling.

Oh, no thanks, sweetie. I have diverticulitis.

Oh, sorry. What causes that?

Stress mostly. And nuts.

Stress causes everything.

You don't mind this, do you? I have to finish it by tomorrow.

Mmm, no. Is it for charity?

Relief society. We're toy-bombing Africa.

Helping those in need feels so good.

Sometimes I think I'm downright selfish.

What's the story with your neighbor, the blonde one, Nicki?

What do you mean?

Don't you find her a little strange, standoffish?

I wave-she doesn't wave back;

the way she dresses. What's she like?

She's shy.

What else?

That's it.

You scared me. Knock!

What are you doing?

What?

You had the neighbor lady here.

So? Her name's Pam.

Do you think because my dad's away you can do whatever you want?

What's wrong with you?

You know you have to be careful about who you have over.

You just disregard that and who that affects?

No. God!

- Don't say that!
- Stop yelling at me!

I just think you're being disrespectful.

Well, I just wanted to watch a fucking romantic comedy, Ben!

Please don't tell your dad I said that.

I won't.

Why would you even think that?

'Cause you're being so joe bossy.

I'm just trying to protect the family.

Don't be mad at me.

No, I'm not mad at you.

Are you unhappy?

No. I just-- it's just so hard having to be so cautious

about everything and everybody all the time.

I'm not used to it. She and I hit it off.

You have no idea how much of my day I spend alone.

You just need a place to go that's neutral,

like a class or something, where you can meet people.

You just-- you can't invite them over.

Is it hard for you?

It was at first, but now it's not. I just keep things separate.

You never complain.

You're a good guy, Ben.

Thanks.

Kiss me. Kiss me again...

Hello.

What are you doing?

I'm sewing a button on your shirt.

No. What are you doing?

I'm... taking my blouse off.

What are you doing?

Taking my pants off.

No, I'm taking your pants off.

...Very very clearly. I mean, enunciate.

You know the meaning of each word now, right?

Bill, come in.

Rhonda's reciting.

Go ahead, Rhonda.

Quote.

"The day came slow, till five o'clock

Then sprang before the hills

Like hindered rubies, or the light

A sudden musket spills

The purple could not keep the east

The sunrise shook from fold,

Like breadths of topaz, packed a night,

The lady just unrolled."

End quote.

Beautiful.

Really super.

Poem 572. Emily Dickinson.

She knows her treasury.

Now, what can I do for you?

I'd like to settle our dispute once and for all,

just square everything up. What do you say?

Oh, shame on you, Bill.

There's a time and place for everything.

We're bereaving the loss of dear Roberta.

You agreed to discuss it yesterday.

I'm not talking business now, Bill.

Rhonda, recite another.

But--

"The burial of Moses."

"By Nebo's lonely mountain,

On this side Jordan's wave,

On a vale in the land of Moab,

- There lies a lonely grave"--
- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse us, darling.

Goodbye, Bill.

I propose a cash settlement.

Do you have a figure in mind or am I supposed to guess?

A settlement composed of two parts:

the first-- $50,000 in cash...

...the second part--

your real estate ventures, how are they doing?

They're not germane to this conversation.

The Deseret properties lawsuit?

Uh, what's that?

I think you know.

Well, I may be the prophet, but I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, we should ask your son Alby.

Right now it's a small private lawsuit in Sanpete County--

quiet, contained.

The attorney general's office tells me that they would just love to use it

for the base of a broader investigation into fraud and the U.E.B.--

subpoenas, investigators, auditors.

They're waiting for my call...

and this information.

You've got to be kidding.

You're blackmailing me?

The initial loan has been repaid, Roman, in full and then some.

I'm offering the sum of 50,000.

You give me a general release and stop the harassment.

I've given you the courtesy of listening to your proposal.

Do me the kindness of leaving now.

Good offer.

You should take it.

And a message for your son--

tell him he had better never ever come near my homes or my businesses again.

Get out of here.

She says the blades are wrecked.

She says someone's been bad. Yes.

- Because someone put a can down there.
- It wasn't me.

It needs a whole new unit.

Well, Barb can get one at the store.

Well, Barb's not here.

Talk to her when she gets back.

This isn't exactly an efficient system.

Do you think she's happy for me...

about the baby?

Of course.

She loves babies.

Sometimes I think she wishes my boys were hers.

Sometimes I think they wish the same thing.

Oh, ha ha.

I'll go get your new disposal.

Wait, Nicki, you can't do that.

Well, do you want it fixed or not?

- Brother.
- Thank you.

Come on, mom.

I have no business here. I'm gonna be publicly humiliated.

Nobody will be humiliated.

Today we're all just family. Isn't that right, Joey?

That's right.

"Family."

I gave my life to them, and they-- they all hate me.

Come on, take my arm.

We're here for you, Joey and Wanda and me.

What are you looking at?

Oh, watch it there, fumbles.

23, 42, 31, hike!

"I got it! I got it! I-- oh."

Come on, Wanda.

Program.

Program.

- Mother, what are you doing?
- Um, not there.

- No, this is where the family sits.
- They've asked me not to.

Well, too bad. Come on.

- Don't make a fuss.
- Joey, help me out here.

No one wants me, and I don't care. I don't care.

Come on, Lois.

Let's just sit down.

Bill.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

And how are you today? Find everything all right?

Yes, thanks.

I get an employee family discount on this?

May I have your employee discount card, please?

I don't have my card with me, but it's under the name Barbara Henrickson.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you can't get the discount without the card.

That's the policy.

You'll have to call upstairs, because I definitely get a discount.

It's under Barbara Henrickson, as in "Henrickson Home Plus."

Okay, but your credit card here says "Nicolette Grant."

If you call upstairs to Don Embry, he'll vouch for me.

But I have no way of giving you the discount without the discount card.

You've said that 50 times. You keep repeating yourself.

But if you pick up your phone--

Pick it up.

Just pick up the phone.

Hey, shoppers, who's up for Barbecue?

Grill and grill accessories are now 20% off.

Hey, someone save me a burger.

Uh, manager to lane six.

What are you doing?

- Manager to lane six.
- Please stop that.

I have a "hold card" instruction from your credit card company.

I need a manager.

- Give me my card back.
- I can't do that.

- Is there a problem?
- Um, it says "hold card,"

and she says that she's entitled to Barbara Henrickson's family discount.

Mr. Henrickson's wife?

Correct.

I-I'm sorry. I don't understand.

You're not Barbara Henrickson.

No. However, Barbara Henrickson asked me to purchase this disposal for her family.

I see.

So are you a relative of the Henricksons?

I'd like to speak to Don Embry now, please.

Or to Peg.

He's not here today.

Ma'am, if you could come with me, I'm sure we can work something out.

All right, fine.

And I shall call you "wife" through the veil...

in the celestial kingdom...

by the name...

known only to me.

And I'll pull you through to be reunited with me...

for all eternity.

How can I ever be worthy of you...

...Roberta?

Mother, mother.

As all of you have attested today...

...loyalty,

humility...

...kindness,

love of God

and love of family--

Roberta.

I can't imagine a better first wife...

...or a better sisterwife.

Lord knows I can't.

But I know she's gonna be smiling down...

when dear Nita here...

takes her place by my side...

as first wife.

It's okay.

Mom, it's okay--

I wanna talk to you.

Uh, I'm a little busy.

She's not going anywhere.

Just what the heck do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to bury my wife, if you don't mind.

- How much?
- How much what?

How much to stop humiliating and shunning my mother

and make her your first wife once and for all?

I can't do that to Nita.

15,000.

Not $15,000.

Well, I'm certainly not doing it for less than 10.

- Three.
- 10.

I'll give you five. How's your roof?

Leaks.

I'll throw in roofing tiles.

How many?

As many as you need.

You really like that woman that much?

I need tar.

Throw in the tar and we got a deal.

I'll cut the check and send the supplies

just as soon as you show me the marriage certificate.

Bless you.

God will have a humble people.

Either we can choose to be humble

or we can be compelled.

You'll have an answer to your proposal soon.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Henrickson, to have had you come all the way down here,

but first she said she was your sister,

then she said she was your neighbor, and I thought,

"this sounds like identity theft to me."

Oh... if I had just given her the card.

You mean your sister?

But I was in such a hurry this morning, it just... slipped my mind.

Sally, can you scan this for Mrs. Henrickson?

You know, Mr. Henrickson is super strict

about family members presenting the actual discount card,

because otherwise, you know, somebody's sister

or somebody's neighbor or something could say,

"oh, I'm related to so-and-so. I get 20% off too."

I understand. thank you.

oh, Wendy-- Wendy Hunt.

Here you go.

Get in.

Nicki, just get in the car.

I don't understand why you just didn't ask me.

Because I do not want to have to ask your permission for everything!

Every single thing I do!

Don't break my glove compartment.

Welcome to checkers. May I take your order?

Can I get two strawberry shakes, please?

Will that be all?

- Do you want anything else?
- No.

Fries.

A medium fries, please.

I'm trying, Nicki.

I'm really trying.

Your total is $5.03.

Would you like ketchup?

Of course we want ketchup. They're fries.

Don't take it out on her.

It was a stupid question.

I am so tired of you goading me.

Sorry, Mrs. Henrickson.

That is exactly what I'm talking about.

What is this about?

Why do you want to control the schedule?

I'm trying to have a baby.

I-I thought it would be easier.

Well, you never once did that before.

You always loved it when we were getting pregnant.

And I love it now.

Oh, tell the truth.

You don't want me to have the baby.

- That's nuts.
- I'm not nuts!

I didn't say you were nuts. I said this is nuts.

I'm doing it to bring the family closer together.

Well, I'm part of this family, and you seem to have a lot of complaints.

- About what?
- About me, Nicki.

About everything I do. About my responsibilities.

Well, try being second wife. You just saw what happened.

Do you ever consider I have no public life with Bill, and you control everything?

Well, I'm... Sorry I didn't die.

Oh, shut up. And how can you say that?

How can you say that to me when I'm the one that took care of you.

I know that.

It's like you forget.

I watched you while you were sleeping. I prayed for you to get better.

I don't see how you could say something like that to me.

Listen to me.

I will never forget what you did for me.

I will never forget it.

What?

I want you to have the baby.

I wanted to have a girl for you.

Bill here.

You left in a hurry.

I just wanted to get on the road.

Well, I just wanted to tell you that your father had a change of heart.

About what?

We're gonna be legally married!

Congratulations.

No gifts, please!

Are you happy?

Oh, well, you know me. I have a naturally cheerful countenance.

But anyway, I just-- I just wanted to let you know.

We won't be moving in together, which means we'll probably get along a little better,

but it won't matter anyway.

He won't be around much longer.

What do you mean?

Oh, just that he's not getting any younger is all.

Don't you go telling him I said that.

No, I won't.

Anyway, we'll be just fine. Just wanted to let you know the good news.

Margie, I think he's hungry.

- Hey, everybody.
- Your father's home.

Daddy!

Hey, buddy. You've been a good boy with your mommies?

Your dad's home.

Hey, pull up a chair.

Looks like it's clouding over.

Dad?

What is it?

Do you think I should have more than one wife?

I mean, do you want me to live the principle when I'm ready?

Is it something you feel you want?

I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it.

I just wanted to know if you had planned it for me.

Plural marriage is a tremendous responsibility, Ben, and it can be terribly abused.

It's not for every man.

God calls us to it, and we have to answer with fortitude.

But if you're asking me-- do I think you're capable?

Yes, I do.

I think I've had an idea, like--

like, that I could be good at it.

That doesn't surprise me.

You have a big heart, son.

What do you say we keep an eye on it?

Get some sleep.