Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Unstable Minister - full transcript

You're spending
$4,000 on... on crepes?

You're almost as
whacked as our daughter.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

My... My contact lenses!

- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!

You wanted to see me?

- Yes, yes. Sit down.
- Okay.

Comfortable?

For me.

Good. Good.

Now, Lorna,
I'm going to ask you a question,



and it's a very
important question, so...

I need your honest answer.

Okay.

How much is this
wedding costing me?

- Well, it's...
- The real budget,

not the sham one Jane showed me.

No. No!

Francis, he knows.

Hello, single-lady-not-for-long.

Hi, Reverend.

Paul, on time to the second.

You know what a
turn-on that is for me.

If I weren't happily married,
Jane...

Skobo, listen, I need your help.



Alice totally screwed
me by getting me a gift.

Did you know that the bride and groom
exchange gifts on the wedding day?

Enough with the gifts.

My God, is that all
you people do around here?

No one's expecting
another gift from you.

Then get her something nice,
you cheap bastard.

You guys gotta hide
me from the reverend.

God. You didn't sleep
with the minister, did you?

It's a fair question, Becca.

No! I went to this
youth group thing,

and he got all bent out of shape

'cause I was selling
cigarettes to the choirboys.

What was I supposed to do?
Give 'em away?

Listen,

Alice and I have to go
and have this sit-down

with the minister,
so can you two go out...

Yes! You need ice?

'Cause you can never have
too much ice at a wedding.

Becca, you're in charge now.

All right, I need you to
get me a stuffed bear.

Excuse me, a bear?

Yeah, we have a thing, and...

She's gonna love it. Trust me.

My, my pet name
for her is Honey Bear.

She's Honey Bear,
and I'm Sugar Bear, okay?

No, it is not okay.

Man, I have a knot in my stomach

like you just told me your sister
was really your mother.

Can you just please
go and get the bear?

It would get me
out of the house.

Should we help him,
Snickerdoodle?

Sure thing...

Sugar Boobs.

I'm, I'm not good at this.

Danny! Danny!

Hey, you got a second?

Actually, Dad, no.
I gotta go into this meeting.

But, but I just have
something to give ya.

Crap!

Is there a parent gift, too?
Because I...

I didn't get
you anything either.

No, Danny, I just want
to ask you something.

Danny... Son...

Miracle...

Getting a little uncomfortable,
Dad.

Look, I've been trying to find some
way to contribute to this wedding.

Is that your old wedding band?

It would mean so much
to me if you would wear it.

I thought you buried this
when Mom left you for Carol.

I found it when I was
digging the new sweat lodge.

Another sweat lodge?

Yeah, had to give the
old one to the raccoons.

They just weren't
going to leave.

Feeling better?

Yes, thank you.

You ready to tell me
the wedding budget?

But I... I promised your wife.

She knows where my family lives.

Write down a number,

then get up and walk away.

If Jane asks,
you never said a word to me.

Sure, Steve.

I can give you the
caterer's phone number.

Jane!

Okay.

So.

This sit-down gives
you guys one last chance

just to take a break
from this hectic day

and check in, connect
and quietly reflect on...

Where's your mother?
I'm going to kill her.

Dad, you remember Reverend Paul.

Of course. Pardon me, Reverend,
I have to go kill my wife.

Sorry. Like you said, crazy day.

Okay. Earlier, on the phone,

I asked you guys
to draw pictures

of your future together.

No one... no one ever does that.

All right, well, did you,
at least, do the decision tree?

Yeah, I, I don't think
we even opened that packet.

Well, then,
how did you make any decisions?

Well, we haven't really had
any problems making decisions.

Yeah, you know,
I generally let her...

You know,
I just do what she wants,

and if she gets stuck, then
I just do what her mom wants.

Danny, Danny,
you can't stand on the sideline.

You gotta get involved!

I am... I'm involved.

For the record,

I, I asked her to marry me.

You know?

On the way to the ring store.

What I want you guys to work on

is making decisions
together as a couple. Okay?

If there's one thing I want you guys
to just take out of this meeting,

it's just that, you know,
no matter where you go today...

Hello?

Why,
why do I have to pick it up?

Well,
because it's your prescription.

Fine, fine.

Sorry. So... Okay.
She takes the lead,

mom fills in,
you feel emasculated. Go!

No, I don't.

I just feel...

Cheese and crackers!

What!

No, I didn't hang up on you.
No, I did not.

I'm working.

Look, I, I, I don't call you

when you're collecting
money at the airport.

I'm gonna need a minute.

Yeah, take your time.

I mean, if...

Yeah, yeah.

- You want us to...
- Yeah, yeah.

What's this?

The current wedding budget,

which is three times
what we agreed,

and that's after we doubled it.

You're not the only one
who makes money, Steve.

I make money, too.

Your store?

You can't possibly

be talking about your tchotchke
store as a means of income.

Nirvana

is not a tchotchke store.

We import fine shaman spirit
crafts from around the world.

I know.

I pay for you to vacation...

Excuse me, buy merchandise
every year. Then nothing sells,

you wind up giving it all
to your friends as gifts.

I'm up to my ass in
Tibetan prayer bells.

You are deliberately trying
to ruin this perfect day.

No, I'm not, but we are cutting the
cost of this wedding dramastically.

- That is not even a word!
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Yeah, I combined
dramatically and drastically.

See, how I can conserve?

You know,
I'm not worried, Steve,

because the course has been set.

Changing this wedding is
like turning around the Titanic.

You wanna see me turn it around?

I'll turn it around because
I am a tugboat of indignation!

I love it.

So...

We want a bear.

Well, you are in luck.

You get to choose the
kind of bear, the size of bear,

his clothes, his hat,

and his little shoes!

Yeah, we want a bear.

Can we buy that one?

A-bear-ham Lincoln?
He's not for sale.

It would be un-bear-able
to part with him.

Don't do that.
Don't do bear puns.

Sorry.

- Dad.
- Hey.

I've been thinking, and, um

as much as I'd like to,
I can't accept your ring.

Yeah, um,

Alice decided that we should
have matching rings.

Well it is an equal partnership,
Danny.

- Yeah.
- You know

when your mother
and I got married,

we were given the
most wonderful gift.

A decision tree.

It gave us a lot of clarity,

helped us with so
many decisions.

Until it helped your mother
decide that she liked women.

Well, there's gotta be
something I can do for you guys.

No worries...

Yes!

I could set up
my caricature booth.

I mean,
they'll all look like Bob Hope,

but everyone will have
a very nice keepsake.

Yeah, um... You know

they're all gonna be getting
these personalized crystal swans.

So we're sort of set
with mementos.

I get a swan?

Wow. All right.
The bar has been raised.

I gotta think of something good.

Man,

I really need my sweat lodge.

Is your shower free?

So, losing the heat lamps.

- Yes, and those butter tongs.
- Butter tongs.

Okay, we're chipping away here,
Lorna.

Chipping away.

What are these for?

Those are the petals
for the flower girls

to use down the aisle.

All right,
how much is it costing me

to have my idiot niece throw
these on the ground like trash?

Forty dollars a dozen.

But we're saving
money on the basket

because we're renting
it from Jane's store.

I'm paying for it twice?

How dare you cancel
the Rolls-Royce?

You heard about that, did you?

Yes, yes,
you almost snuck that past me,

but I'm not paying to
have Alice and Danny

ride around the block
in a vintage Rolls-Royce

while everyone else comes
into the tent for cocktails.

It is the signature
moment of the wedding.

The guests aren't
even going to see it.

Are they, Lorna?

It's not for the guests.

This is our only shot at getting
this wedding in a magazine.

Tell him, Lorna.

- Well, it's our only...
- Forget it.

It's not happening.
Right, Lorna?

- But, well...
- Lorna!

You know, you both make,
um, good...

You have value. You have worth.
You have value. You have worth.

Great. Now you've broken Lorna.

Well, Steve, I hope you've
enjoyed your little victory,

because you have now
destroyed this wedding.

Thank you. I've also
eliminated the heat lamps.

What,
you want the guests to freeze?

We've got closets full
of sweaters and blankets.

Blankets?

Lorna, would you instruct
the caterer to have the guests

form a line to get their food,

and I don't know, maybe, we should
just serve it in tin cans

out of giant steel pots

because our wedding
theme has just gone from.

Midsummer Night's Dream
to "skid row soup kitchen"!

Okay.

But it'll cost more money.

Tin is hard to find.

So, where were we?

You know, I don't see the point

in trying to make a joint
decision about our wedding

when all the decisions
have been made.

Well, I think if we just try,
Alice...

But what are we deciding?

See, this is why you guys
need to take this time.

You can't even decide
on making a decision.

Chips and pickles.

Well,
here's a bit of marital advice.

Don't give your wife
your cell phone number.

What?

I don't know what
color his hair should be.

I didn't even know
bears had hair.

If I'm a bear,
I want my hair to match my fur.

Can you believe people actually
give each other things like this?

No. I still don't understand
flowers and candy.

I mean, flowers just die,
and candy makes them fat,

and you end up
dumping them anyway.

Maybe the bear just gives
'em something to hold on to

while they cry
themselves to sleep.

Why cry when you can
steal their identity

and drain their bank accounts?

Don't worry. I couldn't
figure out your password.

How are we doing?

Great! When can we sew up its
ass and get the hell out of here?

Whoa, slow down,
Bear-io Andretti.

We don't need all
these fire extinguishers.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Where can I get
some water for Phil?

- Phil? Who's Phil?
- Me horse.

I'm your carriage driver.
Name's Henry.

Carriage driver?
What carriage driver?

Well, this bird Jane
Hopkins just called me up,

said something about
driving a bride and groom

around the block
after the ceremony.

- She did, did she?
- Wouldn't lie to you, sir.

Now, I hope you don't mind.
I tied me horse to your mailbox.

And, look, is it okay if I just
drop the accent until showtime?

- It wears thin pretty quick.
- Damn it!

All right, all right.

Don't get your knickers
in a knot, guv'ner.

Those were just e-mails.
We never met in person.

- Online affair?
- Church chat room.

I figured it out!

Hey, Dad.

It's the most perfect expression

of your love for each other,

"Arthur's Theme."

What's that?

That's so sweet. Thanks, Garf.

- You like it?
- Yeah, it's a nice gift.

What's the gift?

I am going to be
performing "Arthur's Theme"

during the ceremony.

During the what?

"Arthur's Theme"?

That's amazing.

Unfortunately,
we don't have time for a song.

Yeah. Chips and pickles.

- Um, but what about the...
- No.

Anyone getting married,
come on down.

I was thinking,

maybe you could both decide
on a poem for your wedding.

Now I have a book
here somewhere that...

Um, you know, I'm sorry.

I know this is none
of our business,

but is everything all right
between you and your wife?

Of course.
Why do you, why do you ask?

Well, you smashed your phone.

No, I, I dropped it.

But like I was saying,

decide, um,
on a poem that's gonna reflect

the journey that
you're taking together.

A journey that is...

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's just...

My wife just left me and

she's filing for divorce.

But hey, I'm a pro.

And I am not gonna
let my problems

get in the way of your big day.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. Yeah.
Now, Alice, Danny,

I know you're ready.
I know your hearts are full.

So let's get on with
this sick little joke.

Why did I think

I was any different than
all the couples I marry?

None of them are
right for each other.

He's not talking about us.

Excuse me.
I gotta call my attorney.

Um,
I don't think this is working.

Hey. Yeah, it's me. What?

Well, what do you mean,
she put you on retainer?

How could... You're my brother!

I mean, what if he breaks
down during the ceremony?

You know what?

Burn in hell!
And I can make that happen!

- Should we?
- I think we have to.

- Yeah, Reverend Paul?
- What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I, I don't think this
is really working out.

Yeah,
we're gonna have to let you go.

You're firing me on the
day that my wife dumps me?

Yeah.

Boy, that felt really good.

Yeah, that was the first wedding
decision we made together.

- Thank you, Reverend.
- Yeah, I mean, you helped us

more than any decision
tree ever could have.

Wait, wait.
So, so, so you're not firing me?

No, no. We're firing you

together.

This is the worst birthday ever.

A horse-drawn carriage?
Are you out of your mind?

And how else are Alice and Danny
to get around the block?

Can we clear this room, please?

You blatantly disregarded my directive
to cut that from the wedding.

Directive? Don't you talk to
me like I'm one of your nurses.

If you were one of my nurses, I'd
have you arrested for embezzlement.

No, you wouldn't,

because you're too
cheap to dial 9-1-1.

You just kissed
your safari goodbye.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Wouldn't I?

Besides,
if you want to see wild animals,

there's one named
Phil tied to our mailbox.

Fine! Fine!
Then maybe I'll just go and buy

that $10,000 range
with the griddle and grill.

You neither griddle nor grill.

Well, then I guess it'll just be
a big waste of money, won't it?

Or I don't know, maybe,
I'll just grill $100 bills.

Damn it. Why can't you behave?

Because I'm out of control,
Steve!

I love it when
you spend my money!

And I love it when
you try to stop me!

Upstairs!

No! There's not enough time.
Laundry room. Quick.

When did we get a
new washer and dryer?

What are you doing, Dad?

Reburying my wedding ring.

I never should have unearthed
it from its cursed grave.

Sorry.

Were you burying something here?

No. No. Listen.

Alice and I had
to fire the minister.

But...

Alice had a great idea.

We'd be honored if you'd
officiate our ceremony.

Me?

Well, you wanted to
contribute to the wedding.

It's such an honor. Thank you.

And I have so many great ideas.

But where am I gonna
get a goat in three hours?

I know.

Wait, Dad, Dad, Dad!

We'll tell you what
we want you to do.

Right.

A groom bear, this is great!

I gotta tell you guys, I didn't
think you had it in you.

It was like passing a stone,
Danny.

A furry, furry stone.

Go ahead. Hug it.

I love you forever,
my Sugar Bear.

Is this a joke?

I'm Sugar Bear.

Alice is Honey Bear.

According to this,
I love myself.

Thanks a lot.

I don't know if
the kids told you,

but I will be
officiating the wedding.

Really?

Yeah.

Which means we will be
working together pretty closely.

Does it now?

I love you forever,
my Sugar Bear.

Shut up.

What were you two
doing in there?

Your father and I were
working out our

money issues.

God! I don't know how
you two stay married.