Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 7 - Boobzilla - full transcript

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

My... My contact lenses.

- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!

You think I'm a bad
influence on Danny?

When you went to
Mexico last summer,

you lost him in a poker game!

Hey,
come with me to the hospital.

It'll be the "take your daughter
to work day" we never had.

Did you ever take Alice?

Just that time you pushed
her out of the tree house.

I just don't understand why
the hospital would call you in



on your daughter's wedding day.

I know. It's my big day, too.

My God.

You never told them
about this wedding, did you?

You were too cheap.

A man's brain is bleeding, Jane.

All right, I can't get out.

All right, this driveway
should be kept clear

at all times, people.

Whose piece of crap is
that blocking everyone in?

That's me.

Hey,
if you're in a hurry though,

you know, go ahead and take her.

Just...
you gotta coax her to start,



so after you get
the engine running,

pump the gas a few times,

let her sit for five seconds,
then crank it.

But if it's been more
than five seconds

- do not crank it.
- You're driving, sport.

Shotgun!

No. I am not sitting
in that backseat.

Totally called it.

I-I have to perform a
delicate brain procedure.

She called it, Steve.

Lorna.

Question.

You've been doing this a while,
right?

What percentage of best
men lose the wedding rings?

I bet you it's a lot.

- You lost the rings?
- Shh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
No!

Shh, shh.

This has to stay between us.

Okay? If Freddy finds out,

he's gonna totally
spin this thing

to make me look bad.

He's been trying to knock me
out of that best man position

since the minute he got here.

So...

What do you want me to do?

I just need your eyes

- to help me retrace my steps.
- Yeah.

But wait...

Can we trust
your friend over here?

That's a heat lamp.

You are good.

Thank you.

That must be
Brittany and Kristin.

Brittany.
My favorite bridesmaid.

She was my Bloody
Mary buddy at your shower.

Alice! Jane!

Brittany! My God!

- What happened?
- You were right. Too many Bloody Marys.

But we got you a cab.

Yeah, I know, and I should've
gone straight home,

but it was ladies'
night at Boots & Spurs.

I swear, if that mechanical
bull had like a cup holder,

I would've stayed on.

But anyway, it's not that bad.

I just have to wear
this thing for six months.

And it comes in pink.
Cute, right?

Yeah. Yeah, cute.

- Hey!
- Hey! My God, Kristin!

I can't believe you're
getting married!

Well,
I can't believe you had a baby.

I know.

Remember, I spent all of high
school trying not to get pregnant?

Yeah, but Molly is just
so adorable. Look. See?

What a beautiful face.

- She's beautiful.
- Thank you.

And I don't have to
breast-feed this weekend,

so I can get wasted!

Sorry, Brittany.

No, that's okay.
I can still drink.

I just need help peeing.

Remember, if anyone asks,
there's no wedding.

And that month I took
off last year to play golf

was Doctors Without Borders,
got it?

Dr. Hopkins, the ambassador's
ready for you in 113.

Thanks.
I'd like you to meet Alice's

friend, Danny, and my daughter,
Becca. Becca, this is Barb.

Hi, I'm Linda.

I didn't know you had
another daughter.

All those pictures of Alice.

Okay, I'm done.

Thanks, Barb.

Walk with me.

You hear that silence?

That's respect.

Really? It seems more like fear.

Respect. Fear.

As long as they don't
talk to me in the elevator.

In my line of work,
you kind of have to communicate

or else the canoe
just goes in circles.

Yeah, look, nothing
against your little camp.

I'm sure you make summers fun.

But nothing feels better than
getting paid a pile of dough

for making a difference
in people's lives.

There's one of my residents now.

He's even younger than you.

Already holding beating
hearts in his hands.

- Not really a goal of mine...
- He's no smarter than you.

Just really motivated.

Think about it.

I'll introduce you. Just...

Be prepared. I'm his mentor.

He's gonna make
a big fuss over me.

Dr. Zaks?

- I'd like you to meet...
- Danny?

Zakster?

Man.

Dr. Hopkins, you know this guy?

You know this guy?

- Are you kidding?
- Yeah, Evan was my favorite CIT

when I was head counselor.

- Yo, I run the camp now.
- I know. I get the newsletter.

My God! This is... Danny
was the best boss I ever had.

This is the guy

that gave me the confidence
to become a doctor.

Wow. Hey, you still keep
in touch with Booger?

Yeah, yeah. He,
just took his company public.

What's this?

This is a sterile environment,
people.

Someone pick this up!

This isn't county!

Robbie is such a good daddy.

It's so weird to hear
you call him Robbie.

He'll always be
Principal Gower to me.

Hi, girls!

I can't wait to see
you in your dresses.

Alice, can I steal
you away for just a second?

Alice...

I think this is
very selfish of you,

making poor Brittany
parade around in that dress

after her theme-bar accident.

How embarrassing for her.

Mom, she's fine.

And the wedding pictures,
a permanent reminder of her

tragedy.

That's what this is about.

You're worried about how she's
gonna look in the pictures.

What?

Do you really think
I am that petty?

Well, since you're so concerned,
I will have you know

she's gonna be taking her
brace off for the ceremony

and suffering through the pain.

Well, that's a relief.

I love it.

You don't notice the bruise,
do you?

I'm sorry to have
to tell you this...

But...

Your father didn't make it.

Miss Stovekin...

People deal with grief in

many different ways.

I'm not Miss Stovekin.

- No?
- No.

I am so sorry!
I am so bad at this!

Yeah, you are.

Your stethoscope's
in my coffee.!

Yeah.

Sorry. That's...

I've been up for 34 hours now.

Head of surgery here has
been working us like dogs.

- Dr. Hopkins?
- He's a real hard-ass.

- He's my dad.
- And an inspiration to us all.

So sorry. That was a...

I'm so bad at talking.

How about you let me
buy you a cup of coffee,

and I'll...

Keep quiet?

Don't you have to tell the
Stovekins about their father?

He's not getting any better.

Sweet.

- What are you guys doing?
- Nothing! Why?

Do I need to be doing something?
'Cause I'm not.

Okay.

I don't think
he suspects anything.

- Fingers crossed.
- Yes.

Now the rings

weren't on the lawn, where
you wrestled the neighbor's dog.

And they weren't in the bushes

where you relieved yourself.

Man, what a great night!

Wait, this is Rebecca's room.

What... What on earth
would you be doing in here?

Yeah, boy!

Yes!

Please tell me we're
not gonna re-enact this

like we did the dog
wrestling scenario.

Okay, I am a gentleman.
So, first, I dim the lights,

then I put on my slow jams...

Then we started dancing...

And then I nailed
her on the beanbag.

Let me get some gloves.

I had to let the
dress out a few times.

I hope it looks all right.

I'm sure you look fine.

Pregnancy totally
messes up your body.

Wow, you look... great.

Better than anyone
could've predicted.

Yay!

Yay.

So Zakster, he's all dressed
up to scare all the campers.

And they all scream like
they're supposed to except

for little Peter Rochowski,

aka Petey The Puker.

If anyone is interested,

the ambassador will live.

Great.

Go on, Danny.
You're almost at the best part.

Right, okay. So anyway, so...

So, Puking Petey,
he gets right up in Zaks' face,

and Zakster jumps
out of the way,

falls down all the
mess hall stairs...

I still have the scar.

Hey, Dad.

So what's the,
scoop on Dr. Scott?

He likes long
walks on the beach,

sunsets and grooving to
the sounds of Neil Diamond.

You know, maybe...

Becca, do you like Danny?

Sure.

Why?

Well,
I like him because you don't,

and everyone else likes him
'cause he's just a great guy.

But he...

Canoes for a living.

Yeah, but that's not who he is.

People are more than
just their job titles, Dad.

Now you sound like a nurse.

I'm gonna go through
the underwear drawer

one more time.

You've been pretty
thorough there.

Lorna.

There is no time for
romping around in here.

Now what is the status
of the new photographer?

Well, I put in a phone call...

Are we still talking about this,
or are we doing something?

I gotta go.

What?
W-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

- What about the rings?
- I'm sorry, but Jane said...

I know what she said.

I just can't believe you let
her speak to you like that.

Well, you know,
it's just the nature

of the client-planner
relationship.

Lornzie, you need to stand
up for yourself, okay, baby.

You need to be a firecracker.

- Firecracker.
- Hell, yeah.

Jane needs to know
that you are dangerous.

You could blow her fingers off.

I want to see
you be a firecracker.

Not now.
After we find the rings.

- But that's good.
- Right, right.

What?

Why is there a turkey
sandwich under the covers?

That's right.
That I raided the fridge,

And then we did
it again in the bed.

They must be in the fridge.

Skobo.

Freddy.

Where are they? Where are they?

Looking for something?

What?

No.

Just hungry.

All right.

Enjoy your snack.

I will.

Jane, Alice showed us the
tent outside. It looks so good.

Thanks, but we still
have an awful lot to...

My.

Well, is there anything
that we can do to help?

No, no, no, no. I think
you girls have done enough.

Maybe you should go change.

I mean, God forbid
you should ruin those dresses

and have to walk down
the aisle in a parka.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Alice...

First a cripple,
and now a porn star?

Mom,
would you please stop obsessing

over how my friends look?

It is so not a big deal.

Really?

So...
It doesn't bother you at all?

No.

Because I am not
egotistical and shallow abou...

Then what... are these?

Whoa.

Fine. Okay, you saw them.

Okay, we didn't need a tent.

We all could have taken shelter
under Kristin's giant milk bags.

Sweetie.

You have every
right to be angry.

I mean, this is our day!

I never wanted
to be a bridezilla.

You know,
I wanted to be the cool,

laid-back bride
who glows and hugs.

So, how do we take
out boobs and bruisey?

So I was in the parking lot,
and I realized.

I left my keys in Mr. Feinman.

My God!

But it wasn't till I opened him
back up that I remembered...

My keys were in my pocket.

Look, I don't know what
time you get off work...

Would you like to be my date
to my sister's wedding tonight?

Absolutely.

Wait. You have a sister?

Man, I love you.

Too soon?

Cool.

Okay.

Kristin's allergic to peanuts.

We spike her tea
with peanut oil.

Peanut oil that's good.

Nah, that might kill her,

or worse, make her
boobs swell up even bigger.

There's gotta be something.

Shawls?
You want us to wear shawls?

Big, draping shawls.

How can Kristin
feel self-conscious?

She looks great!

You know, postpartum hormones.

For six months after
Becca was born,

I used to stand over Steve
with a pillow while he slept.

So anyway, shawls...

But won't that look bad?

- Brittany's so self-conscious about that bruise.
-

Isn't her comfort more
important than how we look?

You're right.
Are you gonna wear a shawl, too?

No.

It's what Brittany would want.

- Becca, Danny, let's go.
- All right.

Hey, it looks like
I gotta get going here.

But hey, Arnie, good luck
in the triathlon, all right?

And um, Linda, hey,
tell your husband

to keep his head up.
He's gonna find work soon.

- Yeah.
- He will.

All right, and, Rog,
fight the good fight, buddy.

All right!

- Bye, Becca.
- See, you guys.

Bye, Dr. Hopkins. I'll see
you at the wedding tonight.

What wedding?

Lorna, I need you to find

sateen shawls in platinum
for all the bridesmaids.

But it's day of.

Platinum is a custom order.

- I don't even know where...
- Just do it.

What are you waiting for?

Mrs. Hopkins, I am so...

I'm sorry.

But I am working very hard

to make sure that
today is a magical day

for you and your daughter.

And I cannot waste time
on a wild goose chase.

And while we are
having this open dialogue,

I was hoping that
we could incorporate

just a little more respect

into our client-planner
relationship.

Say something?

You're fired.

Didn't that feel great?

You didn't invite any of us,
did you?

Please!

No one likes going to
co-worker weddings.

I didn't like going to yours.

- What?
- I mean, come on...

Destination wedding to Fresno?

Wait, wait!
This is all my fault.

Um...

I wanted to keep
the wedding small.

And, Steve, you were right.

You know, these people,
they are your family.

And, I'm sorry I didn't
let you invite them.

Aw!

Steve...

This must've been so hard
for you to have to hide from us.

You said we were your family?

Um...

Yes?

Steve!

- Danny, you're getting married?
- Right!

- Congratulations!
- Wow. That's so great!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Looks like Danny canoed
your butt out of a certain creek.

He did.
I guess I really owe him.

You know, why don't
you all come to the wedding?

- You know what? Everybody's invited!
-

You, too, Rog!

And now... I have to kill him.

Team! Team!
Could you hold the work, please?

I have an announcement
that I need to make.

Now, I have tried to shield
you from the dark underbelly lurking

beneath the taffeta
and the fondant.

But it's time I pull

the Italian-laced
veil from your eyes.

I've been fired.

And now, she thinks...

That all... This whole wedding
can take place without me.

And maybe she is right.

But without all of us...
What's left?

Just the bride and the groom...

And the minister...

And some witnesses...

A few subcontractors...

Okay. Just a minute.
Um, my whole point is...

We are firecrackers,

and the fuse has been lit.

So let's blow this
sucker out of the water?

Who's with me?

Sorry, Lorna,
we're gonna need the chair.

Yeah, sure.

Sorry.

Well, think about it.

What took you so long?

Sorry.
I was saving a man's life.

You know, Steve, I am getting
a little tired of that excuse.

Danny.

Back from the hospital so soon.

It was awesome. I met someone.

A doctor.

Divorced? Socially awkward?

You can find out for yourself.
I invited him to the wedding.

What?

Don't you do this to me, Becca.

Lorna just quit on me,

I am having issues
with the bridesmaids,

and now you want me to
accommodate another guest?

Yeah and while we're on
the subject of extra guests,

I think Danny has
something to tell you.

- Danny.
- Yeah?

Wow.

Everybody's here. Well...

I didn't want to make
such a big deal about this,

but I found these... outside.

My wedding rings?

I guess your best man
must have lost 'em?

I, I didn't lose them...

- Okay?
- No.

Then why were
they outside by the tire swing?

Do you remember the tire swing?

They'll be sorry when
they read my blog.

Lorna's gone.

There's not gonna be any shawls.

You're gonna have to
be the bigger person.

We have to double stuff.

I can't believe you, Skobo.

I didn't ask you to
plan anything.

I didn't ask you to do anything.

I asked you to keep
something in your pocket.

So much setup left
and so little time.

But it's okay.

You can do this.
You don't need anyone else.

This is your day to shine.

Lorna!