Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 6 - Alice Can't Dance - full transcript
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
My... my contact lenses.
- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!
You know you can
still back out of it, right?
- What?
- It's just... It's so good to...
I thought, maybe,
you would like a chance
at tasting your daughter's
wedding cake.
I will kill whoever
ate this cake!
Lorna!
I really appreciate
you stopping by
for a tune-up session,
Jean-Pierre.
I don't really feel like
Danny and I have quite nailed
our spotlight dance yet.
Honey, believe me,
this is my pleasure, okay?
The whole reason I do what
I do is so that I can spend time
with sweet young
couples like yourselves.
Of course, this time is not really
covered under the package you paid for.
Right.
I got your e-mail about that.
Hey, I've been thinking, um
dancing is so fun,
but do we really
need to rehearse?
I mean, maybe we should save some
of the magic for the actual wedding.
Nice try, Danny,
but we need to practice.
Okay, let's get my Fred
and Ginger to line up,
and we will review your dance.
All right. Ready?
And... begin.
Sorry.
Three.
Four...
- Me again.
- Yeah, I know.
Seven.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
Okay, remember, you're young.
You're in love.
You're... You're terrible.
Stop dancing.
Seriously, stop. Stop dancing.
Let's regroup.
How firm are you on
this wedding date?
What kind of sick animal
would destroy a wedding cake?
You can't account for the
the dark soul of man.
- Do we have any milk?
- Lorna!
I'm sorry, did you need me?
It's a disaster.
Just what are you going
to do about this, Lorna?
Okay. I'm thinking.
Hey, here's a fun idea.
Ready?
We custom-cut 150
individual cupcakes. Yay!
Cupcakes?
You want the cake fixed?
Give me half a loaf of Wonder
Bread, a tub of Cool Whip
- and stay out of my way.
- That is ridiculous!
Becca.
Remember Alice's
seventh birthday?
Who can forget when
you hot-glued all of her Barbies
into that sick doll orgy.
No, no, no. No, Alice's seventh
was when Becca tried to sell her
to the people who
sealed our driveway.
You're both wrong. I told her,
her cake smelled funny.
When she went to smell it, I smooshed
her face in it and said, "See, funny."
I don't remember
a smooshed cake.
Exactly.
You want me to
fix the cake or not?
Becca...
No offense, but maybe, you should
just leave it to the professionals.
- She's so cute.
- Yeah.
So, there won't actually
be a cake cutting ceremony,
but we could hide one
and have a cupcake hunt.
Get the Cool Whip.
That's fine, Francis.
We'll just let them
play out their little charade.
But you and I both know
that they will come back
for those cupcakes,
and when they do
well
we will help them
make the cupcakes.
Hello! You must be
the dance instructor.
Mom, this is Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre. Enchante.
What?
Good lord. I'm not French.
My real name is Eugene.
I bought the
business from this guy,
didn't want to have to
repaint the van, you know,
Pardon me, la van.
So is there anything else
I can help with while I'm here?
The father-daughter dance?
Or the mother-son?
Totally worth the
extra 50 bucks.
Or $45.
I'll give it to you for $30.
Thanks, but I won't be
dancing with my mother.
She hasn't really been in
the picture since I was a kid.
I am sorry to hear that.
You know, Danny,
I would be honored
if you would allow me
to stand in for your mother
and dance with you tonight.
No! I, I, I, I don't want to...
Mom,
that is such a sweet gesture.
- Very sweet gesture.
- Yes. It's...
- Then it's settled.
- Great.
Now, I get to dance twice.
Terrific So what did we land on?
Fifty bucks?
I'm bored.
I'll give you guys 10
bucks to wrestle each other.
You didn't pay us
for the last time.
Well, you didn't pin him.
If you're so bored, why don't
you work on your best man toast?
Freddy, I don't like to get bogged
down in all that preparation, okay?
I kind of, like, just feel out
the crowd and then just wing it.
You didn't write a speech?
My God. Poor Danny.
Do you know what an honor it is
to have been chosen
to lead the celebration
of Danny's union with...
- Alice.
- I know her name!
Dad?
- Hey, Becca.
- Were you crying?
Me?
No. No!
I just keep thinking about
when Alice was a little girl...
When I taught her
how to ride a bike...
I taught her how to whistle.
First time she ever
lost a too...
Too...
My God, what is it about Alice
that turns you into such a girl?
You don't have to be
so resentful, Becca.
I care just as much about you.
Name one time
you ever cried over me.
- What? Don't be ridiculous.
- One time.
Come on. One time you ever
cried over me in my entire life.
The first time
I bailed you out of jail.
Nice.
So, that's what we agreed on,
right?
To the penny.
So, then,
the gratuity will be in cash?
Look at that!
But how?
Wow! I didn't teach him that.
I'm no expert, but I'm starting
to think he's not the problem.
God! That was exhilarating!
Now, listen, Danny,
don't be afraid to
really just pull me in.
- I won't break. Okay?
- Yeah? Yeah, good.
You stinker!
Why didn't you tell me what
a fabulous dancer this one is?
- I'll see you later.
- Definitely.
Well, I've got a lunch meeting.
How did you dance
with my mom like that?
I don't know! I just put
my hand on your mom's hip
and amazing things
started happening.
Not a phrase a girl really wants
to hear on her wedding day.
How come amazing things
didn't happen with me?
I don't know. Um...
It just didn't feel like
it did with your mom.
You really didn't want
to hear that either?
Yeah.
Jean-Pierre?
Just, um, I was,
I was just making a to-go bag.
You know, because it's customary
to feed the dance instructor.
A lot of people don't know that.
Listen, let me ask
you something here, um...
Um, why was I so horrible with Alice
but so, you know, great with her mom?
Some people just have chemistry.
Chemistry? Yeah.
You know what that means,
don't you?
You think it means
I'm attracted to Jane.
Why not, man? She's got that
that sexy Mrs. Robinson
thing going on,
with just a,
a hint of headmistress.
Yeah! Put a ruler in her hand
and send me to detention.
Skobo!
She's gonna be my mother-in-law.
Well, she's not gonna
be my mother-in-law.
I'm telling you,
man, she is hot.
When I was dating Alice, I can't
say I never thought about it.
Can we change the subject,
please?
You're gonna be
dancing with her tonight.
I mean,
you're really gonna be dancing.
She's got those long legs,
that... tight little butt.
Johnny knows what
I'm talking about.
Hot lights...
The energy of the crowd.
All right, your body is
grinding up against hers.
I am not sexually
attracted to Alice's mom.
I'm not.
What if she wasn't Alice's mom?
But she is.
So you admit you would tap that?
Finally, some honesty.
You know, I don't
know if it's me or Danny,
but something is just not right.
You don't know how
long I've been waiting
- to hear you say that.
- What?
Please, go on.
Okay,
remember at my sorority formal?
We danced pretty good together,
didn't we?
We sure did.
I was a good dancer, right?
The best I've ever had.
Dance with me, Johnny.
Look at us.
We're great together!
So you finally see what
I've known all along.
Do you wanna tell Danny,
or should I?
I will.
I can't wait to tell him
I'm not a sucky dancer.
So should I wait for you here?
Hey, partner. Come on up here.
Um...
Yeah, okay.
I don't know if
I ever told you this,
but I was in the St.
Louis production of Hair.
Can you imagine me
running around naked in
front of all those people?
No!
I mean, I don't...
I don't think of you like that.
It was a blast.
Here,
would you mind holding my foot?
Yeah.
So, where did you learn
to dance like that?
I don't... I don't know, um...
I mean, my dad taught me.
That is so cute.
So what do you say, Danny?
Are you up for it?
Up... up for what?
Let's bring the house down.
It'll be like opening night, St.
Louis...
The lights dimmed,
the prime ribs were cleared,
and 78 people were treated to
a night they would never forget.
Yeah, Look, about that, um...
I guess...
You haven't heard that,
Alice, Alice and I,
we decided there's, there's
not gonna be any dances tonight.
What? But...
- I, I don't understand.
- I don't either!
I don't! But you know,
I mean, there you go.
What are you gonna do about it,
anyway, you know?
It's good talking to you, and I'll
see you, I guess, later, bye.
Here.
Danny deserves a decent toast.
You wrote my toast?
Thanks, brother.
I didn't do it for you, Skobo.
I did it for Danny.
Whatever. The point is,
I don't have to do it.
Read me what you got.
"Danny... Friend."
Here I am, watching you embark
on the next season of your life.
Strong, confident,
wise beyond your years.
And while I will always cherish
what we've shared together,
it's time to let you fly.
But know I will always
keep a perch for you
here
"to rest your weary wings."
- What?
- That? That's crap.
Where are all the jokes
about the time Danny got drunk
and slept with a fat chick,
or how big of a slut Alice is?
That's not a toast!
That's a love letter, man.
Come on!
Punch it up and get back to me.
You told my mom there
wasn't gonna be any dancing?
You heard about that?
Well, you know, you...
you said you wanted me
to take a more active role
in planning our wedding.
And so... There!
I... I did.
Why did you cancel the dancing?
- I don't know.
- Danny.
- I don't know!
- Danny!
I think I might be inappropriately
attracted to your mom!
This... This isn't funny.
Yes, it is.
Okay, well,
how else do you explain it?
You know, 'cause we,
we, we have chemistry.
What?
You saw us out there.
We were sensational.
That's why we're not having
a first dance at our wedding?
Because you're worried
you're hot for my mom?
Well, I'm glad that
you're enjoying this.
Danny.
You got yourself all
screwed up about this.
We're just both under
so much pressure.
Forget about my mom.
We're great dancers,
and we are gonna kick so much
ass on that dance floor tonight.
Come on, let's try again.
You'll see.
Sorry.
Danny!
I thought you were
gonna go to the left.
Okay, stop. This is enough.
- So the dancing?
- There is no dancing!
Hey, when did you start
playing the bass?
When I was 11.
Neato.
Anyway...
Look what I have.
- That's my oven.
- Yeah, I found it
while I was pretending to look
for your mother's old dance shoes.
I just wanted to show you that I
cherish memories
from your childhood, too.
I used to love this thing.
- I can't believe you remembered.
- Of course, I remembered.
Becca... you were my first born.
Do you know how
happy you make me?
- Dad.
- Aw.
Hey, remember the fire?
What?
That's right. I forgot.
You used your little oven to set
fire to your mother's new drapes.
That's why I took it
away in the first place.
What the hell was
wrong with you?
No, you cannot be mad
at me all over again, okay?
I was grounded for, like,
months. I served my time.
I just never understood you.
It was like you were always looking
for new ways to get into trouble.
Like the time I got a call to
come home from work early
because you, you stuck
candles in your sister's ear.
Yeah, I remember. That was
my sixth grade graduation party.
Or what about the time I had
to leave the seminar in Boston
because you thought it would
be funny to fake appendicitis?
Yeah, well, apparently,
seeing me perform a solo
in the student assembly
wasn't enough to get you home.
- I was working.
- You were always working.
Look, Becca, I was in the
first year of my residency.
I was working 36-hour shifts.
I didn't have any free time.
I am not free time!
God!
Honey, that's,
that's not what I meant!
Come on!
Let's... let's bake something!
Hell,
let's set something on fire!
You should be the best man?
Why should you be the best man?
Because you are
not a true friend.
Okay? You are like
that friend of Pinocchio's
that took him to
Pleasure Island.
I don't want Danny
turning into a donkey!
You think I'm a bad influence
on Danny? That's crazy!
When you went to Mexico last summer,
you lost him in a poker game!
It is a game of chance, okay?
He knew the risks.
And besides, next semester,
he sailed through Spanish.
I can't believe
he chose you over me.
Well, he did,
because Danny knows that I have
nothing besides his friendship.
That's why I'm the guy
holding the rings.
Johnny, you haven't by any
chance seen the rings, have you?
Alice, do you have a
number for the band?
Why?
Because if there's not
gonna be any dancing,
it seems wasteful
to have a band.
There's still gonna be dancing.
Just no... spotlight dances.
I just assumed since
you stripped me of my fun,
you'd want to strip all
the guests of their fun, too.
Give me a break! You just wanna
outshine me at my own wedding.
I don't want to outshine you.
If anything...
I want to bask in your glow.
- But...
- Look at you.
You are an intelligent,
lovely, caring young woman.
Is it so terrible for
me to want to take
a little bow for raising
such a beautiful daughter?
Mom.
All I want is two
minutes to shine.
Of course.
Sweetie.
One second over,
and I'm cutting the music.
Understood.
Hey, Danny. Come here.
Does this look like
a Becca "B" to you?
No.
It looks like an Alice "A"
you tried to turn into a Becca "B."
Damn it. There's gotta be
something of Becca's in here.
A macaroni frame,
a hand turkey...
Aw!
Alice made me a finger puppet.
Boop, boop, boop.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry about canceling
the spotlight dances tonight.
I'm sure you were looking
forward to dancing with Alice.
Yeah, it's probably for the
best. It'd just piss Becca off.
- You're cool with it?
- Relieved is more like it.
It means I don't have
to dance with Jane.
- You ever dance with my wife?
- No.
Maybe. I don't remember. What?
She's the worst. She just pushes
you around the dance floor,
like she's vacuuming a rug.
- What do you mean?
- She leads.
She grabs on to
you and takes total control.
Just like she tries to do
with everything else in my life.
She leads.
Hey!
I know why we're
terrible together.
You sure you wanna tell me now,
or save it for our vows?
No, I'm, I'm serious.
No, I figured out why
I danced so well with your mom.
It's because she leads.
- What are you talking about?
- Since I didn't have a mom,
my dad had to teach
me how to dance,
and he would always
take the man's part.
And so I guess I never
really figured out how to lead.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So, um...
I thought, maybe, we could...
Well, or you could,
try to, um, you know...
- You want me to lead?
- Yeah.
- And you don't mind?
- No!
No, I mean, there's...
there's plenty of other areas
where I lead.
Like...
Well, one in particular.
Yeah,
but sometimes I lead there, too.
Well, yes, but I like that.
- We're talking about sex, right?
- Right.
No, I knew that, I knew that.
May I come in?
Listen, just because
I was building a career,
it's no excuse
for neglecting you.
You're way too important.
And if you would
at all consider it...
I'd love to hear
that recital I missed.
Really?
Okay.
I mean, I only have my bass.
And at the end
of my second number,
we'll bring the lights
down for my song.
Are you familiar
with the musical Hair?
I always wanted to see it.
Um,
but my father was born hairless,
and that show touched a nerve.
I found them!
It's another curtain ring.
Why are there so many
curtain rings on the floor?
- Don't you have to take that?
- Nope.
Couldn't it be some patient
on the, like, brink of death?
Nobody lives forever.
Dad, you have to take that.
Yeah. Hey,
come with me to the hospital.
It'll be the "take your daughter
to work day" we never had.
Really?
Did you ever take Alice?
Just that time you pushed
her out of the tree house.
Let's go.
My... my contact lenses.
- I drank your contacts?
- I am legally blind without my glasses!
You know you can
still back out of it, right?
- What?
- It's just... It's so good to...
I thought, maybe,
you would like a chance
at tasting your daughter's
wedding cake.
I will kill whoever
ate this cake!
Lorna!
I really appreciate
you stopping by
for a tune-up session,
Jean-Pierre.
I don't really feel like
Danny and I have quite nailed
our spotlight dance yet.
Honey, believe me,
this is my pleasure, okay?
The whole reason I do what
I do is so that I can spend time
with sweet young
couples like yourselves.
Of course, this time is not really
covered under the package you paid for.
Right.
I got your e-mail about that.
Hey, I've been thinking, um
dancing is so fun,
but do we really
need to rehearse?
I mean, maybe we should save some
of the magic for the actual wedding.
Nice try, Danny,
but we need to practice.
Okay, let's get my Fred
and Ginger to line up,
and we will review your dance.
All right. Ready?
And... begin.
Sorry.
Three.
Four...
- Me again.
- Yeah, I know.
Seven.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
Okay, remember, you're young.
You're in love.
You're... You're terrible.
Stop dancing.
Seriously, stop. Stop dancing.
Let's regroup.
How firm are you on
this wedding date?
What kind of sick animal
would destroy a wedding cake?
You can't account for the
the dark soul of man.
- Do we have any milk?
- Lorna!
I'm sorry, did you need me?
It's a disaster.
Just what are you going
to do about this, Lorna?
Okay. I'm thinking.
Hey, here's a fun idea.
Ready?
We custom-cut 150
individual cupcakes. Yay!
Cupcakes?
You want the cake fixed?
Give me half a loaf of Wonder
Bread, a tub of Cool Whip
- and stay out of my way.
- That is ridiculous!
Becca.
Remember Alice's
seventh birthday?
Who can forget when
you hot-glued all of her Barbies
into that sick doll orgy.
No, no, no. No, Alice's seventh
was when Becca tried to sell her
to the people who
sealed our driveway.
You're both wrong. I told her,
her cake smelled funny.
When she went to smell it, I smooshed
her face in it and said, "See, funny."
I don't remember
a smooshed cake.
Exactly.
You want me to
fix the cake or not?
Becca...
No offense, but maybe, you should
just leave it to the professionals.
- She's so cute.
- Yeah.
So, there won't actually
be a cake cutting ceremony,
but we could hide one
and have a cupcake hunt.
Get the Cool Whip.
That's fine, Francis.
We'll just let them
play out their little charade.
But you and I both know
that they will come back
for those cupcakes,
and when they do
well
we will help them
make the cupcakes.
Hello! You must be
the dance instructor.
Mom, this is Jean-Pierre.
Jean-Pierre. Enchante.
What?
Good lord. I'm not French.
My real name is Eugene.
I bought the
business from this guy,
didn't want to have to
repaint the van, you know,
Pardon me, la van.
So is there anything else
I can help with while I'm here?
The father-daughter dance?
Or the mother-son?
Totally worth the
extra 50 bucks.
Or $45.
I'll give it to you for $30.
Thanks, but I won't be
dancing with my mother.
She hasn't really been in
the picture since I was a kid.
I am sorry to hear that.
You know, Danny,
I would be honored
if you would allow me
to stand in for your mother
and dance with you tonight.
No! I, I, I, I don't want to...
Mom,
that is such a sweet gesture.
- Very sweet gesture.
- Yes. It's...
- Then it's settled.
- Great.
Now, I get to dance twice.
Terrific So what did we land on?
Fifty bucks?
I'm bored.
I'll give you guys 10
bucks to wrestle each other.
You didn't pay us
for the last time.
Well, you didn't pin him.
If you're so bored, why don't
you work on your best man toast?
Freddy, I don't like to get bogged
down in all that preparation, okay?
I kind of, like, just feel out
the crowd and then just wing it.
You didn't write a speech?
My God. Poor Danny.
Do you know what an honor it is
to have been chosen
to lead the celebration
of Danny's union with...
- Alice.
- I know her name!
Dad?
- Hey, Becca.
- Were you crying?
Me?
No. No!
I just keep thinking about
when Alice was a little girl...
When I taught her
how to ride a bike...
I taught her how to whistle.
First time she ever
lost a too...
Too...
My God, what is it about Alice
that turns you into such a girl?
You don't have to be
so resentful, Becca.
I care just as much about you.
Name one time
you ever cried over me.
- What? Don't be ridiculous.
- One time.
Come on. One time you ever
cried over me in my entire life.
The first time
I bailed you out of jail.
Nice.
So, that's what we agreed on,
right?
To the penny.
So, then,
the gratuity will be in cash?
Look at that!
But how?
Wow! I didn't teach him that.
I'm no expert, but I'm starting
to think he's not the problem.
God! That was exhilarating!
Now, listen, Danny,
don't be afraid to
really just pull me in.
- I won't break. Okay?
- Yeah? Yeah, good.
You stinker!
Why didn't you tell me what
a fabulous dancer this one is?
- I'll see you later.
- Definitely.
Well, I've got a lunch meeting.
How did you dance
with my mom like that?
I don't know! I just put
my hand on your mom's hip
and amazing things
started happening.
Not a phrase a girl really wants
to hear on her wedding day.
How come amazing things
didn't happen with me?
I don't know. Um...
It just didn't feel like
it did with your mom.
You really didn't want
to hear that either?
Yeah.
Jean-Pierre?
Just, um, I was,
I was just making a to-go bag.
You know, because it's customary
to feed the dance instructor.
A lot of people don't know that.
Listen, let me ask
you something here, um...
Um, why was I so horrible with Alice
but so, you know, great with her mom?
Some people just have chemistry.
Chemistry? Yeah.
You know what that means,
don't you?
You think it means
I'm attracted to Jane.
Why not, man? She's got that
that sexy Mrs. Robinson
thing going on,
with just a,
a hint of headmistress.
Yeah! Put a ruler in her hand
and send me to detention.
Skobo!
She's gonna be my mother-in-law.
Well, she's not gonna
be my mother-in-law.
I'm telling you,
man, she is hot.
When I was dating Alice, I can't
say I never thought about it.
Can we change the subject,
please?
You're gonna be
dancing with her tonight.
I mean,
you're really gonna be dancing.
She's got those long legs,
that... tight little butt.
Johnny knows what
I'm talking about.
Hot lights...
The energy of the crowd.
All right, your body is
grinding up against hers.
I am not sexually
attracted to Alice's mom.
I'm not.
What if she wasn't Alice's mom?
But she is.
So you admit you would tap that?
Finally, some honesty.
You know, I don't
know if it's me or Danny,
but something is just not right.
You don't know how
long I've been waiting
- to hear you say that.
- What?
Please, go on.
Okay,
remember at my sorority formal?
We danced pretty good together,
didn't we?
We sure did.
I was a good dancer, right?
The best I've ever had.
Dance with me, Johnny.
Look at us.
We're great together!
So you finally see what
I've known all along.
Do you wanna tell Danny,
or should I?
I will.
I can't wait to tell him
I'm not a sucky dancer.
So should I wait for you here?
Hey, partner. Come on up here.
Um...
Yeah, okay.
I don't know if
I ever told you this,
but I was in the St.
Louis production of Hair.
Can you imagine me
running around naked in
front of all those people?
No!
I mean, I don't...
I don't think of you like that.
It was a blast.
Here,
would you mind holding my foot?
Yeah.
So, where did you learn
to dance like that?
I don't... I don't know, um...
I mean, my dad taught me.
That is so cute.
So what do you say, Danny?
Are you up for it?
Up... up for what?
Let's bring the house down.
It'll be like opening night, St.
Louis...
The lights dimmed,
the prime ribs were cleared,
and 78 people were treated to
a night they would never forget.
Yeah, Look, about that, um...
I guess...
You haven't heard that,
Alice, Alice and I,
we decided there's, there's
not gonna be any dances tonight.
What? But...
- I, I don't understand.
- I don't either!
I don't! But you know,
I mean, there you go.
What are you gonna do about it,
anyway, you know?
It's good talking to you, and I'll
see you, I guess, later, bye.
Here.
Danny deserves a decent toast.
You wrote my toast?
Thanks, brother.
I didn't do it for you, Skobo.
I did it for Danny.
Whatever. The point is,
I don't have to do it.
Read me what you got.
"Danny... Friend."
Here I am, watching you embark
on the next season of your life.
Strong, confident,
wise beyond your years.
And while I will always cherish
what we've shared together,
it's time to let you fly.
But know I will always
keep a perch for you
here
"to rest your weary wings."
- What?
- That? That's crap.
Where are all the jokes
about the time Danny got drunk
and slept with a fat chick,
or how big of a slut Alice is?
That's not a toast!
That's a love letter, man.
Come on!
Punch it up and get back to me.
You told my mom there
wasn't gonna be any dancing?
You heard about that?
Well, you know, you...
you said you wanted me
to take a more active role
in planning our wedding.
And so... There!
I... I did.
Why did you cancel the dancing?
- I don't know.
- Danny.
- I don't know!
- Danny!
I think I might be inappropriately
attracted to your mom!
This... This isn't funny.
Yes, it is.
Okay, well,
how else do you explain it?
You know, 'cause we,
we, we have chemistry.
What?
You saw us out there.
We were sensational.
That's why we're not having
a first dance at our wedding?
Because you're worried
you're hot for my mom?
Well, I'm glad that
you're enjoying this.
Danny.
You got yourself all
screwed up about this.
We're just both under
so much pressure.
Forget about my mom.
We're great dancers,
and we are gonna kick so much
ass on that dance floor tonight.
Come on, let's try again.
You'll see.
Sorry.
Danny!
I thought you were
gonna go to the left.
Okay, stop. This is enough.
- So the dancing?
- There is no dancing!
Hey, when did you start
playing the bass?
When I was 11.
Neato.
Anyway...
Look what I have.
- That's my oven.
- Yeah, I found it
while I was pretending to look
for your mother's old dance shoes.
I just wanted to show you that I
cherish memories
from your childhood, too.
I used to love this thing.
- I can't believe you remembered.
- Of course, I remembered.
Becca... you were my first born.
Do you know how
happy you make me?
- Dad.
- Aw.
Hey, remember the fire?
What?
That's right. I forgot.
You used your little oven to set
fire to your mother's new drapes.
That's why I took it
away in the first place.
What the hell was
wrong with you?
No, you cannot be mad
at me all over again, okay?
I was grounded for, like,
months. I served my time.
I just never understood you.
It was like you were always looking
for new ways to get into trouble.
Like the time I got a call to
come home from work early
because you, you stuck
candles in your sister's ear.
Yeah, I remember. That was
my sixth grade graduation party.
Or what about the time I had
to leave the seminar in Boston
because you thought it would
be funny to fake appendicitis?
Yeah, well, apparently,
seeing me perform a solo
in the student assembly
wasn't enough to get you home.
- I was working.
- You were always working.
Look, Becca, I was in the
first year of my residency.
I was working 36-hour shifts.
I didn't have any free time.
I am not free time!
God!
Honey, that's,
that's not what I meant!
Come on!
Let's... let's bake something!
Hell,
let's set something on fire!
You should be the best man?
Why should you be the best man?
Because you are
not a true friend.
Okay? You are like
that friend of Pinocchio's
that took him to
Pleasure Island.
I don't want Danny
turning into a donkey!
You think I'm a bad influence
on Danny? That's crazy!
When you went to Mexico last summer,
you lost him in a poker game!
It is a game of chance, okay?
He knew the risks.
And besides, next semester,
he sailed through Spanish.
I can't believe
he chose you over me.
Well, he did,
because Danny knows that I have
nothing besides his friendship.
That's why I'm the guy
holding the rings.
Johnny, you haven't by any
chance seen the rings, have you?
Alice, do you have a
number for the band?
Why?
Because if there's not
gonna be any dancing,
it seems wasteful
to have a band.
There's still gonna be dancing.
Just no... spotlight dances.
I just assumed since
you stripped me of my fun,
you'd want to strip all
the guests of their fun, too.
Give me a break! You just wanna
outshine me at my own wedding.
I don't want to outshine you.
If anything...
I want to bask in your glow.
- But...
- Look at you.
You are an intelligent,
lovely, caring young woman.
Is it so terrible for
me to want to take
a little bow for raising
such a beautiful daughter?
Mom.
All I want is two
minutes to shine.
Of course.
Sweetie.
One second over,
and I'm cutting the music.
Understood.
Hey, Danny. Come here.
Does this look like
a Becca "B" to you?
No.
It looks like an Alice "A"
you tried to turn into a Becca "B."
Damn it. There's gotta be
something of Becca's in here.
A macaroni frame,
a hand turkey...
Aw!
Alice made me a finger puppet.
Boop, boop, boop.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry about canceling
the spotlight dances tonight.
I'm sure you were looking
forward to dancing with Alice.
Yeah, it's probably for the
best. It'd just piss Becca off.
- You're cool with it?
- Relieved is more like it.
It means I don't have
to dance with Jane.
- You ever dance with my wife?
- No.
Maybe. I don't remember. What?
She's the worst. She just pushes
you around the dance floor,
like she's vacuuming a rug.
- What do you mean?
- She leads.
She grabs on to
you and takes total control.
Just like she tries to do
with everything else in my life.
She leads.
Hey!
I know why we're
terrible together.
You sure you wanna tell me now,
or save it for our vows?
No, I'm, I'm serious.
No, I figured out why
I danced so well with your mom.
It's because she leads.
- What are you talking about?
- Since I didn't have a mom,
my dad had to teach
me how to dance,
and he would always
take the man's part.
And so I guess I never
really figured out how to lead.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So, um...
I thought, maybe, we could...
Well, or you could,
try to, um, you know...
- You want me to lead?
- Yeah.
- And you don't mind?
- No!
No, I mean, there's...
there's plenty of other areas
where I lead.
Like...
Well, one in particular.
Yeah,
but sometimes I lead there, too.
Well, yes, but I like that.
- We're talking about sex, right?
- Right.
No, I knew that, I knew that.
May I come in?
Listen, just because
I was building a career,
it's no excuse
for neglecting you.
You're way too important.
And if you would
at all consider it...
I'd love to hear
that recital I missed.
Really?
Okay.
I mean, I only have my bass.
And at the end
of my second number,
we'll bring the lights
down for my song.
Are you familiar
with the musical Hair?
I always wanted to see it.
Um,
but my father was born hairless,
and that show touched a nerve.
I found them!
It's another curtain ring.
Why are there so many
curtain rings on the floor?
- Don't you have to take that?
- Nope.
Couldn't it be some patient
on the, like, brink of death?
Nobody lives forever.
Dad, you have to take that.
Yeah. Hey,
come with me to the hospital.
It'll be the "take your daughter
to work day" we never had.
Really?
Did you ever take Alice?
Just that time you pushed
her out of the tree house.
Let's go.