Big Day (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- Alice?
- Down here.

Honey...
What you doing down there?

Sit-ups.

I did something really bad
with ice cream last night,

after everyone went to bed.

Now,
I'm never gonna fit in my dress.

You are gonna look amazing.

Now, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.

All right. Here we go.!
What are you doing?

What? I'm just trying to have at
you one last time as a single lady.

- No, Danny...
- Come on.



You know I can't control myself around
your old, glittery butterfly collection.

- We are at my parents' house...
- Come on.

- And you know their rule.
- All right. Fine.

Just let me get to second base?

Look, I love you... a lot.

And we are ten hours
away from getting married.

But if anything goes
wrong before then,

I feel like I could snap
in a pretty scary way.

All right.

Probably best I don't see
that until after the wedding.

You know,
we both sign the papers.

Velvet sheets.
That's a, that's...

Wait, is that Skobo
in my sister's room?

Last night was



beyond great.

You're not a distant
cousin of mine, are you?

'Cause that would make
what we've done very wrong.

No.

I'm, I'm, I'm Jay.

Jay Skobinsky. Skobo.

I'm Danny's best
friend from camp.

I live in Chicago...

Anything? No?

Wow! Too much rum.

Hi, I'm Becca.

Hi.

We probably should have done that
before I tied you to my childhood bed.

Yeah, you were one
drunk little minx last night.

I mean, you had stuff going on,
you know that?

God!

You were really, like, working.

You were like a
drunk little woodchuck.

You know,
just kind of building a dam

and getting all the
stuff together, like...

- A woodchuck?
- Yeah, but like a sexy woodchuck.

Like...

That's great.

My baby sister's getting married
today, and I'm the minxy,

still single,
just-slept-with-a-stranger

"woodchuck." Awesome.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
My... My contact lenses!

Excuse me?

I didn't have my case
with me here last night,

and I put my contact
lenses in the glass.

- I drank your contacts?
- I don't have my glasses here!

I am legally blind
without my glasses!

So I have broken down the
day into ten-minute increments.

At 8:10,
my daughter's dress is arriving,

and then for the centerpieces, the
twigs, votives, burnt orange velvet and

pheasant feathers.

At 8:10,
centerpiece and dress arrival.

Repeat, 8:10 for the
centerpiece and the lacy lady.

There she is!

I can't believe it's
my little girl's wedding day.

All right,
everything's under control.

You just relax,
have some coffee,

and in four minutes, a woman named
Lupe is coming here to pluck you.

Now, just to review the
timetable for the party,

um...

During the first dance, we'll be
bringing out the baby field green salad

with the poached
pear vinaigrette.

I'm sorry,
what... what's the salad?

Baby field greens with
poached pear vinaigrette.

It was supposed
to be Caesar salad.

Was it?

Yeah. Remember at the tasting,
we decided.

I'm sorry. I...

I guess I was unaware that any
final decision had been made.

Well, maybe I was confused,
because I just can't imagine

Caesar being served at
a wedding. It's just so

wrong.

You weren't confused.

You've had it out for
Caesar salad since day one.

What is so wrong
with a Caesar salad?

It's heavy, it's creamy,
and croutons?

We have people flying into
this wedding from Canada.

We don't want a baby field green
salad with poached pear vinaigrette.

Okay?

We don't want it to be so fancy.
We're simple people.

- We want a simple Caesar salad.
- Okay. Honey, honey, honey.

I don't want to fight with
you on your wedding day.

I hear you,

and we will do everything in
our power to make this right.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, Dad.

- Where were you?
- There she is.

I got called into the hospital.
Nothing major.

Some ambassador's got hydrocephalus.
Had to put a shunt in his brain.

- And I got bagels.
- Yum.

Steve, did you get a chance
to look over that timetable

- because...
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.

At 8:42,
I'm scheduled to wipe myself.

Neither of you has any
idea what I do for this family.

Wow.

Did I sleep great
downstairs until just now?

There's my sweet-ass bride.

Steve-O!

The doctor.

"Doctor." "Doctor."

"Doctor." And... "doctor."

What do you got going there?

It's just a bit from an
old Chevy Chase movie.

Me and my friends,
we used to do it all the time.

We can get it going if you want?

"Doctor." "Doctor."

Not gonna be our thing. It's not
gonna be our thing. That's cool.

Hey! Want to take a
little father-daughter walk?

Sure.

Daughter...
'Cause I'm a boy. Yeah.

So I need to make a final
decision about my hair.

You know, an updo's so elegant,
but down is just more me, you know?

That's how I wear it every day,
so...

What do you think?

I don't think you should
marry this guy.

- What?
- Yeah, I think you might be ruining your life.

But I don't want this to
become a whole big thing.

How's it going?

I can't believe you're telling
me this on my wedding day.

Alice, you're my baby.
I just want you to be happy.

I mean, Danny's a lot of

fun but there are
realities in life.

And what does he do for a
living? He's a camp counselor?

No, he's not just a counselor.

He works for them year-round.

He does the reunion
and the newsletter.

He picks the play.

They did "Pippin" last year.
That was his idea.

- "Pippin."
- I pluck bride?

Not right now.
And what'd you tell me?

He wants to walk down the aisle
to a theme song from a TV show?

He's not an adult.

Okay, first of all,

"What's Happening!"
was a great show.

Do you even know the show?

Do you know anything about it?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

The point is,

it was Danny's favorite
show when he was little,

and so he took its delightful theme
song and made it his theme song.

See, most adults don't
have theme songs.

Dad,

you are the most important
person in the world to me.

But I'm marrying Danny tonight
whether you like it or not.

Okay! Good talk.

I pluck bride?

I'm sorry, Jane.
He's not right for her.

Damn it, Steve.
If you had to say something,

why couldn't you do it before
I committed $4,000 to a crepe station?

Sorry to interrupt.

The boutonnieres, bouquets
and centerpieces are here.

No, no, no, no, no.

Our look is whimsical
and woodsy.

You know, like we're in "A
Midsummer Night's Dream."

How is this whimsical?

Well...

Tiny pomegranates,
those are awfully fun.

You will never see this again.

You really think
she should marry this guy?

I have been working on this
wedding for a year and a half.

I have had things done to my face
and neck to get ready for it.

Yes, I think she should
marry this guy.

And besides, you know,
I've always liked him.

Tell me why again.

Well, Alice can get very
uptight and stressed out,

and Danny just really seems
to mellow her out, you know?

I think he's a good
choice for her.

It's not the choice I made,
but I think for her...

My God!

- I just got it.
- What?

Why you defended
Danny all these years.

He reminds you of your little
ex, Bob Baron.

The one who used to mellow
you out with his wacky weed.

Come on, Steve.

Can we please not start with your insane
jealousy over Bob Baron again?

If it's so insane,
let me ask you something.

Why did we have to
invite him to the wedding?

Every time we tried to cut the
list... "Don't cut Bob Baron."

No! You made me cut my cousin
who rescues injured birds,

and he loves weddings.

Bob is my friend. We broke
up years before you and I met.

I love you.

And I'm not mellow anymore.

I am the uptight, stressed-out
wife you always wanted.

Okay?

Slowly. Slowly.

Whoa, whoa. Skobo, are you okay?

Take my hands, Danny.
Please, my hands.

Okay. All right.
We got big problems here, Dan.

Me and your sister-in-law
got busy last night,

and then she drank my contacts,

and now I'm gonna be
blind for your wedding, man.

- Are you kidding me?
- No!

Okay, this is like fate

punishing me for having one
too many one-night stands.

I am frightened here, Dan.

I am so very, very frightened.

I smell bagels.

- Hey!
- Freddy!

What's up, man?
What's going on, dude?

- Good to see you.
- Look at this house. My goodness!

- So it is your wedding day.
- Yeah.

You're gonna be married

with a wife

- forever.
- That's the plan.

That's the plan.

You know you can
still back out of it, right?

What?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

No, no. I love Alice.

You know I love Alice,
and I love you, Dan.

I love you, so...

It's just, you know,
so good to...

Excuse me.

- Hey.
- Hi. Danny?

- Yeah.
- How you doing, man? I'm Johnny. Alice's college boyfriend.

Hey. How are you?
Nice to meet you.

So, I guess Alice kind of jammed
me into your wedding party.

No, that's not a problem at all.

I know you guys have
stayed friends and everything.

Yeah, if things had
been a little bit different

it could've been
me up there tonight.

Damn! The things
I used to do to her...

And then Dad was like,

"He's immature. He has no
career. He's not rich enough."

Let me ask you something.

If you really like a guy,
and then you blind him,

is there any coming
back from that?

Can we focus on me here?

Okay, fine. Dad was being, Dad.

Yeah, but I said, "I'm marrying
Danny, so deal with it."

All right. Well, good for you.
You don't have to be

the perfect little princess who
does what he says all the time.

I mean, Danny might not be a, what,
an investment banker or a doctor,

but he's a solid,
mature, terrific man.

I'm going long!

All right, Danny.
Go long, Danny.

- I'm open! I'm open!
- There he goes! Yeah!

There he is!

Touchdown!

Whoo!

...Awkward.

- What happened?
- Danny!

- You knocked down our tent!
- I know, I know. I'm sorry.

It was really stupid, um...

But the good news is, I think I just
popped my shoulder back into place.

Are you ever planning
on becoming an adult,

- or is this it for you?
- Whoa, whoa.

Where's this coming from? Sweetie,
it's a tent. They'll fix it.

I don't have it...

Yeah, Danny. It's just a tent.

But what about
when we're married?

You know?
What about the real world?

Jobs and mortgages.

You still work at a summer camp.

Well, okay, well, unlike you,
I didn't have a nice,

stable childhood.

Camp was the
one constant for me.

And I work there

because I want to make sure
that other kids get that, too.

I mean, yeah, I don't wear a
"tie" or work behind a "desk,"

or make a lot of "money"

or have "health insurance"...

It's not just the job, Danny.
It's the whole thing.

You want to walk down the aisle to
the "What's Happening!" theme song.

Whoa.

You have a problem
with my theme song?

Adults don't have theme songs!

Well, this adult does, baby!

And he's singin' it right now.

Quit it! Quit it!

All right. I got it. I got it.

Okay. One, two, three...

Hey there, you.

Becca.

Yeah. I have the eyesight of, like,
a newborn kitten right now, so...

Yeah, so I just called the
one-hour glasses place.

They said that, um, you can't get
new contacts without a prescription.

I was like, "Are contact lenses
really a controlled substance?

I mean, what do you think he's gonna do,
inject them into his arm and get high?

I mean, I had two this morning,
and I don't feel a thing."

Yeah, I, I talked to
my eye doctor, too, and,

he's got nothing, so...

Hey, well...

I ate your contacts.

Know what else I'd like to eat?

Breakfast.

Um, you wanna...
go grab some eggs, or...

Yeah, yeah.
I appreciate your offer, I do.

And, and... And last night was,
was really great.

It was,
and you're a very pretty girl

from what... I can remember.

But this morning has
been just a little less great.

So maybe if we can just kind of,
like, put a pin in this thing.

You know?

You drink one
pair of contacts...

Alice.

Listen...

I know you wanted the Caesar,

and your mother agreed,

but after you left, she told me

to quietly move forward
on the baby field greens

with the poached
pear vinaigrette.

So I'm not exactly
sure what to do.

I mean, I know women freak out on
their wedding day, but this was scary.

It's like from that,
movie with the...

- Predator?
- No, no. With the, the...

Moulin Rouge?

No, not a musical. It's...

The Chucky movie!

You know, I mean, Alice
is this adorable little doll,

and then all of a
sudden she's like, "Die!"

Hey, does Alice still have those panties
with the little yellow bow on them?

I guess.

Yeah, boy.

I'm freaking out here.

Yeah, this is just a
huge step for us, and...

She told me she hates
my theme song.

You know, I mean,
that's like saying she hates me.

Okay, that's enough!

All right, I'm gonna need
you to listen to me here, Dan.

All right? I'm blind right now,

so I got this kind of crazy
Greek prophet thing going on.

It's like I can see more clearly
now than when I had actual sight.

- All right, talk to me.
- All right, here's the deal.

I got a nice life, right?

Look, he's got the fancy
suits and the expense accounts

and the sushi dinners,
but you know what?

I got nobody to share it with.

Every time I have
sex with a woman,

I find this uncontrollable urge
to run in the other direction.

I was even in love once. I was.

But she wasn't that hot,
so I had to move on.

All right?

I don't know how to feel.
I don't.

But you do, though, man.

You found a nice
lady that you love.

You gotta lock this thing down,
buddy.

Lock it down tonight!

All right?
It's time to grow up, Dan.

It's time to say
good-bye to that whole.

"What's Happening!"
thing, all right?

It's time to say good-bye
to Rerun and Dee

and the whole little
gang down at the diner.

Because honestly, at this point,

even I'm starting to
think it's a little weird.

Sorry, excuse me. Um...

Do you guys have anything that doesn't
sound like the saddest song in the world?

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

And I love your theme song!

And you know what else?

This is our wedding.

I'm getting our salad back!

Sweetie,

I am so sorry this thing with your father
and Danny got so out of control.

Actually, Mom,
Danny and I are fine.

But you know what's not fine?

The salad.

Okay, you're right. This is

your wedding day,
so I guess we should

just go with the Caesar.

Thank you.

Looks like we're a "go" on
the salad swap we discussed.

Is there any word on that?

It's too late.

There's another wedding one township
over, the Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding.

They're serving Caesar.
They have 300 guests.

Basically, they are using
all the romaine in the county.

I am so sorry.

My God.

Look, we tried. I am sorry.

But can we please not freak out
about the Caesar salad again?

It's not just the Caesar salad,
Mom.

It's everything the
Caesar salad stands for!

Okay, you wanna know
what Caesar salad stands for?

Ridiculousness.

It is a ridiculous salad!

Yeah?

Well, if Caesar salad
is so ridiculous...

What's this romaine
doing in your fridge?!

It's for your father's BLT!

I hate you!

Alice Heather Hopkins,
you come back here!

Steve, your daughter has
locked herself in the bathroom

with a head of lettuce.

- What's going on?
- Ask her.

Ask her what
salad they're serving

one township over at the
Ruppart-Chenoweth wedding!

Hey, I don't care about
the Ruppart-Chenoweths.

I do not know those people.

I only know that they are
serving a ridiculous salad!

Then why don't you load up
your gas-guzzling German SUV

with your precious baby field
greens and pear vinaigrette

and drive it over to them!

Well, maybe I will!

I bet those people would appreciate
me a lot more than you do!

Is everybody okay?

Hey, you...

God!

My God.

We slept together,
and I drank his contacts.

You can tell your daughter

that just because she's still upset
about what you said about Danny,

she shouldn't take it out on me!

What?

- God.
- Sorry.

Well, folks, don't put those
umbrellas away quite yet

'cause we could
have a wet one today.

I pluck bride?

Steve-O, buddy,
what'd you say about me?

Bob Baron.

Hey, it's Janie.
Are you in town yet?

Yeah, just checked in.

You sound kinda stressed.

Yeah, I am.

Hey,
are you bringing the good stuff?

Yeah...