Big Boys (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dad, I Did Drugs - full transcript

My dad wanted a fun-for-all, not a
funeral.

He didn't want to be remembered as
some bloke with cancer,

but as someone who wore criminal
amounts of double denim.

Shannon helped plan the funeral,
because she adored Dad,

and because she was doing a BTEC in
Event Management at Watford College,

so she made Dad's funeral her final
practical assessment.

An invigilator actually came to the
service.

Christ, Shan, what ARE you wearing?

I took inspiration from Britney at
the BMAs.

She's made you look like a dickhead.
Don't be mean about Britney, Nan.

She's had a rough ride too.
Shannon's going to put Dad's weed
grinders in his coffin.



So he'll always be high up in the
sky.

Do you remember when you was 12, and
we went to Camden Market,

and that lad tried to sell you some?

Yes, I remember. Jack came running
over to me and Laurie going,

"See that bloke over there in the
green leaf Bob Marley t-shirt,

he's just tried to sell me an ounce
of spunk."

I meant skunk. I'd take spunk or
skunk right now.

OK, guys, right, now...

Are you all right? Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you all right?

Nan?

Yeah.



Are you all right?

Yeah.

# The day after I

# Had counted down all of your
friends... #

Why does it say "ankle"?

He was my ankle. Ankle Laurie.

It's uncle.

U-N-C-L-E.

Silly cow.

Shit, shit!

Mum, where do you think he is?

He's sat right in front of me.

He's in your curly hair,

and your pointy ears, and he's in
your little smile too!

You just need to make sure you
become like him in there as well.

OK?

Can you move your hand now? I've
got sweet chilli sauce in my eyes.

GROANING

Are you going to come down the local
tomorrow?

Of course I am. I live for the pub,
I dream of the pub.

I am the pub.

What's the Welsh word for pub?
Pub. Oh, fuck!

Alison Hammond is dead!

Oh, God, sorry, Leisa.

She's not dead. She were just on
This Morning flirting with Ryan
Gosling.

My pet fish Alison. She... She
jumped out of the bowl.

Oh, mate, I'm sorry, but do you want
to...

Sorry.

Sort of killed it?

No.

The second funeral I'd ever been to
was a Viking burial for Alison.

Jules had to be there to give
clearance

on anything involving a naked flame.

It's a lot, isn't it, just seeing a
dead body?

It's not a dead body, Jules, it's a
fish.

Sorry I walked in on you yesterday.
Don't worry.

So are you now on meds which mean
you can...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all
good, yeah.

Well, we're gathered here today

to say ta-ra

to the one and only Alison Hammond.

And even though I didn't meet her
personally,

from what I gather, she was very
dear to very many people.

Much like her namesake!

Fuck! Fuck's sake.

Right, it's now time for our song of
remembrance.

No, no, no, no. That's enough,
that's quite enough. Come on.

Can we please go and get our grades,
Jules, and remember

we're here in the hope of pursuing
fulfilling careers, and not burying
Alison!

One, two, three, four...

# In a perfect world...
Oh, my God...

# In a perfect world

Is this not the Gogglebox theme
tune?

# In a perfect, a perfect world

# Oh, no, no, no, in a perfect world
#

# In a perfect world... #
Oh, my God, no, no, no, no, no!

A 79. He gave me a 79. That's a
first. It's a top grade.

A 79 is the equivalent of when a pop
star dies and their album goes to
number 1.

It doesn't really count if you
haven't earned it. Fuck's sake!

Oh, God, Corinne, you can't always
get the highest grade, all right?

You just need to chill out. I am
chilled, Danny.

You are never chilled. You could
lighten up.

Oh...

What have you got, Jackie?

Oh, fuck! What? I got a 2.2.

A Desmond. Nice one. Tim keeps
giving me the harshest marks.

Look, this is my solution, all
right?

I haven't handed any work in to Tim
so he can't give me harsh marks.

Um... What a fabulous solution to
not getting bollocked.

Well, if you don't like it, man up
and say something.

I don't proscribe to the term "man
up".

OK, I'm sorry. Stop being such an
over-sensitive damp cloth, then.

I'm not a damp cloth. You are a bit
wimpy. You are quite sensitive.

No-one would have called my dad a
wimp,

so I plucked up the courage to
confront

quite possibly the fittest man I'd
ever known by name.

H...

GIVES SMALL LAUGH

How can I help you, Jack? Hi.

Well, it's just...

my mark, I...

I fear my writing style has perhaps
been a bit...

undervalued.

Oh. Well, your piece was quite
shite.

Right. It was wanky almost.

It needed pragmatism, OK?

Because this is a news story, all
right, not a spoken word ad for a
bank. Yeah?

(THINKS) He's so fit when he's being
a prick.

So this week, for the court report
assignment, try to keep the emotion
out of it, OK?

Just report the facts. Can you do
that?

Yeah, will do. And I'd like you to
take a long hard look at my briefs.

What? I need you to take my briefs
much more seriously.

Ideally you'd know them inside and
out, OK?

Read them, study them...
Sniff them.

Remember them. Briefs...

Is that OK?

Yeah. And can you tell Danny to
actually hand some fucking work in,
please?

Hi, guys. Hi, Ash. It's the
soggy bottoms!

Danny, were you buying drugs? No!

Leave it out, will you? I am,
actually.

I'm an ethical dealer, guys. I
donate 20 per cent of my profits to
Frank.

Exactly. It's herbal. It's basically
good for you.

I'm going to bake us some edibles,
and we'll all go down the pub.

What's the special occasion?

Well, I just want to get a bit high.

Yeah. Not for me. I actually wanted
to get a solid start on my judiciary
knowledge before we go to court.

Look, what am I always telling you
about loosening up?!

I've got us a foolproof plan which
means I am never going

to have to set foot inside a
courtroom again.

My dad used to hotbox the back of
his cab with his mates.

Legend! You need to be more like
him.

Anyway, Ash, these aren't that
strong, are they?

OK, fine. An edible. Yes!

I've set a timer, so... On your
marks... Get set...

Go!

# ..get high like planes

# If you catch me at the border I
got visas in my name

# If you come around here I make
them all day

# I get one done in a second if you
want

# All I want to do is...

BANGING

# And take your money, all I want to
do is...

BANGING

# And a... and take your money

# All I want to do is...

Bon appetit.

# ...all I want to do... #

BANGING

MUSIC SLOWS AND DISTORTS

Do you understand? This is not
theatre.

You always invented an easier way
of doing uni work which was somehow
genius.

Do you think Tim's going to know
we've just written up

a Judge Rinder case rather than
going to court?

Nah.

You haven't actually written any
case notes down.

Who? You.

LAUGHS

Fuck. What? A picture tells a
thousand words.

Well, Tim has a strict 500-word
limit,

so you'd better get tearing that in
half.

Since when have you cared about
Tim's briefs, Jack?

I can't stop, Corinne. Cannot stop.

Anyone for another? Oh, yes, please.

Yes!

We are all far too...

Fucked days spent in the pub when we
should have been studying

were something you were always very
good at facilitating.

OK, where the fuck was my invite?

Oh, mate, I'm so sorry, but I know I
was supposed to text you,

but then we all got a bit spaced
out.

Fuck's sake, I said ring me, yeah?
Down in one.

Bye.

Hello, babe. Mwah.

I lied to you. The Welsh word for
pub isn't pub.

It's tafarn.

But I've been in England six months
now.

Google translates all my web browser
favourites because...

I'm losing the grasp of my mother
tongue.

Look, English is my first language,

and I've only just found out today
that the Dean of the uni

isn't just some legendary lad called
Dean.

I was really looking forward to
meeting Deano, you know.

Oh, thanks.

You always knew how to get everyone
in the spirit for a big night out.

ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

But you didn't always know where
your limits were.

You all right, Jackie?

I feel wonderful.

Good for you. Oh, how much are you
spending?

Dunno. Student loan, innit? Fuck it,
probably never pay it back.

But what about your meds? Shush.

Won't these drugs - I'm not taking
my meds.

But you said - Jack, just shut the
fuck up, all right?!

You're being a damp cloth AGAIN.

I should have pulled you up on this,

but you had a line, then I had a
line.

Then...

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

..everyone else did too.

Love you, Yemi!

I need a tactical chunder.

Good for you. I'm proud of you.

Hey.

You all right, mate?

Yeah.

You having fun, yeah?

Yeah, I am.

I actually really am.

GLASS CHINKS

I really miss you.

I'm here, mate.

Been watching you, just checking
you're OK.

Cool.

Son...

..you're going to need a poo soon.

But you're going to have to clench
your bumhole really tight.

Just power on through, yeah?

Thanks, Dad.

I love you.

That's nice.

THUMPING MUSIC

All I told him to do was clench his
bumhole.

I'm going to go and get some more
shots, all right?

I'll be gone two minutes.

Stop it, stop it! Stop it!

COMMOTION

MUSIC BLARES

Fuck!

Hey...

Breathe. I'm all right, I'm all
right. Just give me a second.

Fuck's sake. Idiot.

Just breathe.

Sorry. It's fine.

HE EXHALES

ALARM

GASPS

GROANS

GROANS

SIGHS

SIGHS

No, no, no...

Shit!

KNOCKING

Hello, my babe. Got a surprise for
you.

Alison Hammond back from the dead!

Oh, my God, this place looks like a
bunker!

Jack, you live in a bunker. Thanks.

And I found this on the doorstep for
Danny.

Cool, just leave it over there.

GROANS

Are you hung over, my babe?

Very much so.
# Whoa, dirty mother rocker!

# He's off his fucking rocker!

# Get him off a rocker, he's off
his fucking rocker! #

RETCHES

And it is exhausting, and I give,
and I give, don't I,

I just give it all to it because I
want it.

I always knew that working in events
was going to be stressful,

but it's a real opportunity to meet
new and interesting people.

You throw children's parties, don't
you?

A person's a person, no matter how
small.

That's a quote from Dr Seuss. That's
my favourite celebrity doctor.

Mm. So, where did you go last night?

Just the local pub student night.
Heavy one, was it?

Yeah, we had a heavy one down the
Spoons, didn't we, babe?!

Your mother, she pulled! What?!

No, I didn't. Yes, you did, you
dirty scallywag.

No, I didn't. I think you'll find
you did.

No, I didn't. She got chatted up by
a bloke in bike shorts, right?

He was wearing actual shorts for
biking in.

OK, thank you. That's enough now,
Shannon.

It's just some guy asking me for a
drink. Don't worry.

Oh. Hi.

Hi, my doll. Hi.

Who's this, Jack?

I'm Corinne. Corinne!

That is such a pretty name.

Ain't that such a pretty name, Pegs?

Such a pretty name.

For such a pretty girl.

Aw, that was Jack's dad's jumper.

Yeah. You look gorgeous in it.

Sorry, Mum, but you can't just visit
here whenever.

Wow. That was really rude.

All right, lad?

Hello, you.

Where have you been? I stayed at
Leisa's last night.

See you got a new Alison. That's
good.

Danny, I did something really,
really bad.

Oh, God. Not you too.

I ate a candle.

I just must have had such the
munchies,

I just ate a fucking candle.

Oh, mate, that's actually the best
thing you've ever done.

What was your something bad?

It doesn't matter. Oh, go on.

What was it?

Are you all right?

No, not really.

Not really at all, mate.

Um...

do you want to get some fresh air?

Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice.

I've actually got some bed sheets I
need to bury.

I binned my meds off around
Christmas.

I had to put my nan into a care
home, which was hard.

And then last week, I get this
letter off Tim

saying I've breached my scholarship
for not handing work in.

Idiot.

I just wanted to be like this normal
guy at uni, do you know what I mean,

who got drunk, and high, and got
fucking raging hard-ons.

Now I just want a text from my nan.

I'm sure she'll text you.

Do you know when we first met, I
added you on Facebook?

Had a little snoop. Of course.

Same. And I was going through your
photos, and saw you had this, like,

17th or something, had this big
party in the garden

with, like, all your family, and a
massive cake.

Costco cake. Got to have the cake
from Costco.

I wouldn't know. I've had, like,
three parties my whole life.

They've all ended in either a row,
me spending the night in Margate
nick,

or today, quite literally covered in
my own shit.

Today? Why didn't you say something?

We could have thrown you a party. I
don't want a party, mate.

I just want to get a text from my
nan.

That's why I wanted to get fucked up
last night,

so I could just sleep through today,
because I knew

if she forgot to text, it's because
she's got worse.

I didn't always know what to say,

I hadn't thought of you then as
someone

who'd been struggling quite as bad
as me.

Ah!

I also think I'm on a major
comedown.

Think so too. I just want a double
sausage egg McMuffin.

Why don't they serve them after
half-ten? It's fucked.

Box came for you.

Jules would often check the uni
database of all her favourite
students,

and send them a birthday cake.

Fuck yes! 82!

That's what I'm fucking talking
about.

See, not so bad when you actually
hand it in.

Yeah, thanks, Tim. Why am I one mark
off a first?

Because I can do whatever I want.

Lighten up, pal. Have a muffin.

They're all gone. Shouldn't be.
There were five left after that
night.

THEY CACKLE

# ..you're in my blood

# I hurt myself each time
I try to give you up

# You're in my veins,
you're in my blood

# All the ways that shape
this love

# You're in my veins,
you're in my blood

# I hurt myself each time
I try to give you up

# You're in my veins,
you're in my blood... #

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