Big Boys (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Hello You - full transcript
Shy closeted teen Jack is finally leaving home for a Journalism degree at Brent University. Paired up to live in a campus outbuilding with lads' lad mature student Danny, these two mismatched freshers go on their first big night out.
This programme contains strong
language and adult content
Statistics show that one in every
one people will eventually die.
But...it's shit when they're 56,
and your dad,
and the only one who knew
the Sky Movies PIN.
Now, this isn't me.
I looked nothing like this at 17,
but if you can't cast yourself
as better looking
in your own life-story,
then what's the point?
So for all intents and purposes,
we are both me.
Hi. I'm Jack.
And this is my mum, Peggy.
She's like a cross between Gwen
from Gavin And Stacey
and Pam from...Gavin and Stacey,
which means she's the sort of woman
who jumps when the doorbell rings.
DOORBELL RINGS
What the fuck is that?!
And that first year without Dad
was...weird.
Our neighbours showed that they
cared
by discreetly dumping lasagnes
on the doorstep,
like unwanted babies. Tracy Brooks
from number 18 was my favourite,
but Mum reckoned
she bought it from Costco.
Oh, keep the dish. I've plenty more.
HE SIGHS
We took in 26 in total.
Then it took me 57 days
to even have a wank,
mainly cos everyone
kept saying things like...
He'll always be watching over you.
Keeping an eye out.
Looking down on you.
Poor bloke didn't even know
I was a gay,
and now he could see me bash 'em out
over lookalikes like Cantona.
Mum soon worried
we'd comfort-eat too much,
sat on our arses watching telly,
so...
..we went a bit mad
in the January sales.
You all right? Ever since
we'd found out Dad was ill,
me and Peggy had stuck together
like Phillip Schofield
and Holly Willoughby.
But...deep down, we were sad,
like Eamonn and Ruth,
so we'd take it in turns
to look after each other.
I'd read feminist literature
on what it's like
to become an early widow,
and she'd read me the TV guide
any time I had a panic attack.
"8:30 PM. Nicole Kidman has
no memory of the last decade,
leaving husband Colin Firth to
explain daily who he is, till a...
surretitus...
surra-..."
Surreptitious!
.."surreptitious gift
of a video camera
helps piece together her past."
Ahhh. That's nice.
My cousin Shannon and Nanny Bingo
would often drop by
to play the ITV classic, Golden
Balls, the official board game.
Deliberation...over.
20 grand's at stake.
You've each selected split or steal.
On the count of three,
reveal your balls.
Uno, dos, a-trefe.
SHE CACKLES
That's well harsh.
It's Jack's 18th. Shannon, my son's
just dropped dead with cancer.
If I wanna steal 20K,
I'll steal 20K.
OK?
No-one in our family even had GCSEs,
let alone A levels.
So when I got three As
and into the local uni
on a journalism scholarship,
it was a big win for the team.
THEY LAUGH
I knew you'd do it.
And then...
this day came...
DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE
..and I just couldn't get
out of bed...
..for ages.
To cheer us up, Mum got me a fish
named after my favourite journalist,
but even that wasn't enough.
Mum rang uni,
who let me defer a year,
and so...I just had to wait.
FUNKY, FAST-PACED INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Careful!
ALL CHEER AND SHOUT
My dad's cab was the only thing
big enough for all my stuff.
Mum had started driving it,
which was very sweet,
but almost certainly illegal.
Hiya! I'm Jules!
Jules loved uni so much she got a
job in the student union,
forgot she was ever studying
Mandarin, and has never left.
Welcome to the best three years
of your life,
and that's just for your mum.
JULES LAUGHS
Can I have your name?
Jack Rooke.
Jack Rooke. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK.
Erm, right. OK. Now, we do have
a little bit of a situation, right.
Um, you won't be in halls
straight away,
but we do have some alternative
accommodation on site. OK?
Why ain't he movin' in here?
No, we just need to renovate
some of the rooms
because of the leaks. Leaks?!
Yeah, but don't worry. It's not
water damage. Just a bit of gas.
OK, guys, do you wanna follow me?
JULES LAUGHS
This way.
LIVELY, SURREAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC
All right? Right, gang.
Er, right. Have I lost you?
Are you there?
There you are. SINGING: It's your
first day, it's your first day!
SHE PANTS
Right. Sorry.
It's actually a lot...
lot further than I thought.
SHE LAUGHS
Well, welcome. Bienvenue.
Han yang.
SHE LAUGHS
OK? Tell me this is a fucking joke.
It's a joke.
No, I'm j-... I'm joking.
No, it's your accommodation.
Fuck sake!
All right.
Let's get you settled in, shall we?
Oh, sorry.
Um, Jack, meet, um, Danny.
Danny, meet Jack.
Hello. We just thought
we'd put you two mature students
together. Yeah, lovely!
I... I only deferred one year.
I'm... I'm 19.
Yeah, I'm...
I'm a bit older than that, but...
You're 25!Yeah!
SHE LAUGHS
I know that.
Have you been to Center Parcs?
It's quite Center Parcs-esque, isn't
it? It's lovely. Yeah. Great. OK.
All right. Better go.
No rest, work and all that.
See you later, Mum!
JULES LAUGHS
PEGGY, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Bye.
Bye!
Bloody 'ell. Here, "Jack and Danny".
Cockney rhyming slang
for fanny, innit? Oh!
PEGGY AND DANNY LAUGH
ELECTRICITY BUZZES
Ah, shit!
On the scale of injustice,
this felt like when Gamu didn't get
through to the live shows
on X Factor.
We decided to decorate
this ex-classroom
exactly like my room at home.
Mum had got the idea
off Paul O'Grady's Love Of Dogs,
cos Battersea recommend it
for any newly-housed pet
going through trauma.
And I just put a little bowl
of Bombay mix here
in case you get any guests. Mum!
No-one is gonna wanna eat Bombay
mix.
Well, it's just a nice touch, innit?
LOUD, FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND
Before I go, I've got to give you
this, from your old man, for you
on your first day at uni.
But he didn't even know
if I'd get in.
Oh, come off it. We all knew
you'd get in, you fucking geek.
THEY LAUGH
But, no, you're right. He did write
two versions just in case.
HE SIGHS
I really do miss him, Mum.
Two years tomorrow.
SHE CHUCKLES UNSTEADILY
Mad!
I'd often try not to cry aloud.
Not cos I wanted to be macho,
just cos my cry sounds like
Jimmy Carr's laugh.
HE WAILS / SOBS
WITH "AH, HA-HA-HA-HA" SOUND
JACK CONTINUES TO CRY
WITH LAUGHING, WAILING SOUND
HE CONTINUES TO SOB
Oh, come on. This is a happy moment.
Get to know that Danny lad.
Seems nice.
He looks like
a Take Me Out contestant.
Well, I'd keep MY light on for him.
Ahhh,
hope you meet a lovely girl here.
Be nice for you to be the one with
a girlfriend for once, wouldn't it?
When I was nine, Mum winced watching
Todd Grimshaw kiss Nick Tilsley
in Corrie, so I daredn't say.
Mum, will people think I fancy
if I hang her above my bed instead?
Nah. Poor girl's got enough
on her plate
without YOU fancying her.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE GASPS / SHE AND JACK EXCLAIM
Oh, my...!
Oh, shit! That's a window!
Sorry about that, Danny!
Mum! Sorry, Jack's mum!
Don't worry!
We've all got to de-stress somehow!
Oh, well, look, we'll have you
round ours for dinner sometime!
Do you like lasagne?
Yeah, I love lasagne!
DOOR CLICKS
Oh, God!
Make sure you check for skid marks
before you do your laundry. Yes!
And don't forget to change
the fish-bowl water. Yes.
I'd hate for Alison Hammond to die
in a pool of her own shit. Yes.
HE SIGHS
I love you.
You sure you're gonna be OK?
I love you too, my babe.
SHE STARTS ENGINE
And that was it.
After a year of watching
Jeremy Kyle, This Morning
and Loose Women religiously
together,
I'd finally left my mum.
And even though
she was ten minutes up the road,
I suddenly felt
a million miles from home.
SONG: If I Leave Here Tomorrow
by Lynyrd Skynyrd
# If I leave here tomorrow
SHE SINGS ALONG
SHE SOBS
# Would you still remember me?
HORN BEEPS
Oh, mate!
You are right up my fucking arse!
# For I must be travellin'... #
JAUNTY, FUNKY INCIDENTAL MUSIC
DANNY LAUGHS
Yes, lad. You got the beers in.
Like it.
Oh, no. I've got some ravioli.
Oh, is it? Nice!
IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
"It's Dolmio day!"
I love those guys.
Oh, mate!
I'm so sorry,
what you and your mum saw.
It's fine. We weren't watching.
DANNY LAUGHS
Your mum was havin' a little peek.
This is decent! Heads up.
Oh, jeez. Don't really drink beer.
Ooh! Cantona, Man U. Nice!
Er, yeah. I only really know of him
as an actor.
He gets his willy out in the film
You And The Night.
It's very artistic.
Oh, little bit of Bombay mix!
HE BEATBOXES
Don't mind if I do. Mm. Ugh!
That's rough. So, what's the POA
for tonight, fresher?
What?
Plan of action.
Probably have an early one.
Yeah, me too.
HE CHUCKLES
You joking?
Mate, it's fresher's night.
There's fit birds to meet.
Spent a long day travelling, so...
What? You live in Watford!
You told me.
It's, like, 15 minutes up the road.
Bruv, come on. You can't expect me
to go there bareback on my tod.
I need a wingman.
Sorry. I...
Not tonight.
OK. All right, cool.
Enjoy your meal-for-one.
Fuck!
DOOR CLICKS
Once I was finally alone,
I took on the rite of passage
destined for people like me.
I went to download Grindr.
But then...
JACK'S DAD: "Little man,
oh, don't be disappointed
you ain't got into uni.
Probably full of tossers anyway!"
"No-one we know's gone,
and WE'VE all ended up OK."
Yeah.
She'd given me the wrong letter.
"I hope Shannon's tag's off now."
"So go out there,
meet folk, find a job,
and here's the score."
"Get a round in."
JACK'S DAD LAUGHS
"Proud always. Dad."
SONG: Don't Burst My Bubble
by Small World
# Uh-oh...
BEAT BUILDS FAST AND DROPS
# Uh-oh, you're in trouble
# I step up in the game
and I burst that bubble
# Uh-oh... #
That is quite a fleece.
It's called a Borg jacket.
That is a fleece.
It's not a fleece.
It WAS a fleece.
They weren't trendy in 2013,
whereas nowadays
everyone's wearing 'em.
Right. One sec.
Wallet, phone, mouthwash...
Do you want some mouthwash?
I'm OK.
Cool. So, what's your type, Jacky?
Like what? Blood?
Yeah, blood. No, girls!
Oh! Er, I don't really have one.
HE CHUCKLES
I say that sometimes.
Right.
DANNY GRUNTS
Ohhhhhh! Come on, fleecey.
And so, after a year
spent mainly in bed
eating Rustlers microwave burgers
and watching Tumblr porn,
I suddenly found myself
surrounded... by this.
DANCE MUSIC POUNDS
GIRLS SCREAM
MUSIC CONTINUES TO BLARE AND POUND
THEY SPEAK UNDER MUSIC
There you go, bruv.
Oh, well! If it ain't Dick and Dom
in the bungalow!
Free condom?
Ooh, yeah. Go on.
Are you sure?
I mean, look, no pressure,
but trust me,
you don't wanna be caught
with no johnnies
on Brent Uni fresher's night.
I learnt the hard way back in '03.
What, you used to study here?
Class of Y2K, baby.
Yeah. See, that's what this place
does. It, like, led me on the path
to my dream job.
Wow! Great. Look, so,
when roughly do you think
we're gonna get rooms in halls?
Oh, yeah. Um, really sad to say,
but defs not gonna haps.
What? Jules, you said that the shed
was temporary.
Hmm...
SHE LAUGHS
Fuck! But halls is, like,
the best thing about uni.
Yeah.
The halls here are amazing, as well.
I had the best year of my life!
I mean, apart from the fact
I had to live with a jihadist, but
he sort of kept himself to himself,
really. Oh, er, this is Ash.
Have you met Ash?
He's my right-hand man assistant.
Caught any scamps doing drugs?
No! This lot seem a good bunch.
Oh, lush. All right, crew.
I'll see you later.
Oh, yes. Time for a tres sours
ice pup, methinks.
See ya.
MUSIC POUNDS IN BACKGROUND
You guys having fun?
Er, well, we just got here, so...
Need any gear, hit me up.
Ahhh.
All I ask is for your...discretion.
OK.
All right.
VOICEOVER: Aside from chatting
to drug dealers,
the main purpose of fresher's
seemed to be finding the fittest
person to use your free condoms on.
Right. Get your best chat ready.
Right. We're going over.
No. I'm OK.
Come on. Please! Please D.
Never have I ever
taken it up the arse.
Er, never have I ever
enjoyed this game.
Never have I ever seen
such a table full of treasure.
SHE LAUGHS
Aye. Fuck off.
What?
What's your name?
I'm Danny. Debs. These are
my halls mates, Pandora and Karen.
Hello. You all right?
Kar-IN!
This is Jack. Say hello, Jack.
Say hello, Jack.
Hello!
You take the one on the right.
No, thank you.
What? How did she hear that?
I can lip-read.
Why are you looking at my lips,
darling? Just always checking
for gobshites, "darling".
Hey. It's this one's turn,
and she is being frigid as FUCK!
SHE LAUGHS
I'm not frigid!
Seriously, I'm not frigid.
Hey. She's posh totty, Danny.
Oh, nice!
OK, wait. I'm actually, like...
My dad is working-class.
You can't call yourself
working-class
unless you've badly burned the roof
of your mouth on a Greggs.
Mm! Right. See that burn there?
Steak Bake.
Steak Bake?
Yeah.
OK. I've never actually been
to Greggs,
but that doesn't make me
a bad person.
No-one said it did, pet. But I bet
you've never put a Ginsters
in the microwave.
No.
OK, wait! I've got it! Oh, my God.
Never have I ever lived somewhere
with a microwave.
Er...until today.
SHE LAUGHS
Guilty.
Wait. What?
How'd you cook beans, then?
On the hob. Next you'll be telling
us you cook eggs in the oven.
Well, if I'm making a shakshuka,
then, yeah!
SHE LAUGHS
What the fuck is a shakshuka?!
HAND-DRYER WHIRS
DOOR CREAKS
Oh, dear!
Caught red-handed!
Right! Hand them over.
Brent uni has a very strict
no-drugs policy.
No, no, no, Jules.
These aren't drugs-drugs, OK?
Oh! I couldn't give a shit
if it's a Tic Tac, sweetheart!
Hand 'em over, please!
OK, fine. There you go.
Thank you.
They're prescription. OK.
I have to take them at night-time,
so... OK. What are they for?
They're antidepressants.
Antidepressants...
Read it.
Um... Yeah.
Cool.
Cool, cool. Cool?
SHE CHUCKLES
Soz. Soz about that.
It's fine.
Um...look, if I see you out
on the D-floor,
well, you can have one on me.
Wicked. Cheers.
All right. Good.
All right.
All right. See you later.
Soz about that.
Fucking nightmare!
MUSIC: Sandstorm
by Darude
MUSIC POUNDS / GLASSES CLINK
Back in the olden days, men in bars
would wear different-colour
handkerchiefs in back pockets
to discreetly signify homosexuality.
Then Pesos was invented,
so now it's really easy.
I'm... I'm Jack. Fancy a drink?
I've... I've quite a few.
Yeah, man. Did you get ditched?
Yeah. You too?
I don't get ditched.
I'm here because my flatmates
forced me to come,
but I've ditched them
to just...observe.
HE SIGHS
So, er...
what are you observing?
A relatively cute guy
also wearing my top.
Oh!
HE GASPS
Oh!
You meant me.
THEY LAUGH
Oh! Oh!
OK. Don't worry about it.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
Can we go somewhere a bit more...
Romantic, this, Jack.
Sorry.
And so this was the site
of my third-ever snog,
after Amy Woods on my failed
Duke of Edinburgh expedition,
and some old man who mistook me
for his wife in Budgens.
And as I went down south,
without a clue what I was doing,
I suddenly heard...
Argh! Agh! Fuck!
What do we do? What do we do?
Don't move! Don't...move!
HE HYPERVENTILATES IN PANIC
Oh, my God!
Agh! Argh! Agh!
Agh! Agh!
ALARM BLARES
I gave him a hug, and we got
tangled.
Well, Jack, next time you wanna hug,
just ask me for one.
Actually, no, don't do that, cos
that could constitute as misconduct.
MUSIC POUNDS
What in the fuckin' tune is this?
Oh! Funny.
SHE LAUGHS
HE GASPS IN RELIEF
Yeah, mate... I'm sorry.
Don't even talk to me.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER ECHOES AND DISTORTS
MUSIC BLARES / LAUGHTER CONTINUES
MUSIC BLARES AND DISTORTS
MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE /
HE SNIFFS
Hoi, Jack!
Where you going, fresher?
Bed!
Well, you left without your fleece!
Jack, are you crying?
No. I...
I...I just wanna be asleep
before midnight.
Ooh! What happens at midnight?
I just wanna be asleep, all right?
Why?
Cos this is shit!
Everyone said...uni'll be fun,
but...
..the only reason I'm even here
is cos I can't just
sit at home on the sofa
with my mum any more.
OK. All right. Look, calm down.
Just go back, all right?
Take this. Go on.
Thanks, Danny.
Come on.
Shakin' like a shitting dog, mate.
JACK LAUGHS
Take a deep breath.
DANNY EXHALES
All right?
All right, listen. If you could be
doing ANYTHING right now,
what would you wanna do?
"8:50 PM. This revealing documentary
explores the world
of circus children
who turn serial killers."
Mmm.
Channel 5?
Yes!
Obviously. I'm so good at this game.
You feeling better?
Yeah.
Thanks, Danny. I just, like...
haven't really been around
people much,
let alone guys,
so sometimes I just...
I don't... I don't really know
how to talk to people.
Right. Imagine I'm some fit lad
coming up to you, OK?
O...K.
Hi, geez. How's tricks, fella?
Um... Hello...
..you.
Tricks...
are tricky.
OK.
Or you could be
a bit more confident,
do you know what I mean?
Bit sort of like...
"What's happenin', boss?
Fancy getting your dick wet?"
Yeah!
HE LAUGHS
But, er...I don't think
that's gonna work for me.
OK, yeah, fair enough.
You just stick with "Hello, you."
I'll stick with "Hello, you."
This was the first moment I felt
I might cope at university.
The first moment
my friendship with you began.
BANGING / CLATTERING
Fuck was that?
JULES SINGS DRUNKENLY
Er...
Hiya, lads.
SHE SINGS / LAUGHS
Yeah, no. It's only me. Hiya.
Just checkin' you're all right.
SHE LAUGHS
I just stole this fuckin' pizza!
LIGHTS BUZZ
Run!
Are you buying drugs?
No! Leave it out.
Well, yeah, I am, actually.
Hoi!
I feel wonderful.
# Would you like us to assign
someone to wear your model
# Excuse me?
# What? #
I should send this parcel
back to ISIS. ASOS.
Oh, yeah.
MUSIC POUNDS
BOTH SING LOUDLY: # Fix him a vodka,
he's on his fuckin' vodka... #
Just don't do anything I wouldn't
do. I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke,
but you get what I mean.
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue all day long
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue all day long
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue all day long
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
all day long. #
HAMMERING
Oof!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
language and adult content
Statistics show that one in every
one people will eventually die.
But...it's shit when they're 56,
and your dad,
and the only one who knew
the Sky Movies PIN.
Now, this isn't me.
I looked nothing like this at 17,
but if you can't cast yourself
as better looking
in your own life-story,
then what's the point?
So for all intents and purposes,
we are both me.
Hi. I'm Jack.
And this is my mum, Peggy.
She's like a cross between Gwen
from Gavin And Stacey
and Pam from...Gavin and Stacey,
which means she's the sort of woman
who jumps when the doorbell rings.
DOORBELL RINGS
What the fuck is that?!
And that first year without Dad
was...weird.
Our neighbours showed that they
cared
by discreetly dumping lasagnes
on the doorstep,
like unwanted babies. Tracy Brooks
from number 18 was my favourite,
but Mum reckoned
she bought it from Costco.
Oh, keep the dish. I've plenty more.
HE SIGHS
We took in 26 in total.
Then it took me 57 days
to even have a wank,
mainly cos everyone
kept saying things like...
He'll always be watching over you.
Keeping an eye out.
Looking down on you.
Poor bloke didn't even know
I was a gay,
and now he could see me bash 'em out
over lookalikes like Cantona.
Mum soon worried
we'd comfort-eat too much,
sat on our arses watching telly,
so...
..we went a bit mad
in the January sales.
You all right? Ever since
we'd found out Dad was ill,
me and Peggy had stuck together
like Phillip Schofield
and Holly Willoughby.
But...deep down, we were sad,
like Eamonn and Ruth,
so we'd take it in turns
to look after each other.
I'd read feminist literature
on what it's like
to become an early widow,
and she'd read me the TV guide
any time I had a panic attack.
"8:30 PM. Nicole Kidman has
no memory of the last decade,
leaving husband Colin Firth to
explain daily who he is, till a...
surretitus...
surra-..."
Surreptitious!
.."surreptitious gift
of a video camera
helps piece together her past."
Ahhh. That's nice.
My cousin Shannon and Nanny Bingo
would often drop by
to play the ITV classic, Golden
Balls, the official board game.
Deliberation...over.
20 grand's at stake.
You've each selected split or steal.
On the count of three,
reveal your balls.
Uno, dos, a-trefe.
SHE CACKLES
That's well harsh.
It's Jack's 18th. Shannon, my son's
just dropped dead with cancer.
If I wanna steal 20K,
I'll steal 20K.
OK?
No-one in our family even had GCSEs,
let alone A levels.
So when I got three As
and into the local uni
on a journalism scholarship,
it was a big win for the team.
THEY LAUGH
I knew you'd do it.
And then...
this day came...
DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE
..and I just couldn't get
out of bed...
..for ages.
To cheer us up, Mum got me a fish
named after my favourite journalist,
but even that wasn't enough.
Mum rang uni,
who let me defer a year,
and so...I just had to wait.
FUNKY, FAST-PACED INCIDENTAL MUSIC
Careful!
ALL CHEER AND SHOUT
My dad's cab was the only thing
big enough for all my stuff.
Mum had started driving it,
which was very sweet,
but almost certainly illegal.
Hiya! I'm Jules!
Jules loved uni so much she got a
job in the student union,
forgot she was ever studying
Mandarin, and has never left.
Welcome to the best three years
of your life,
and that's just for your mum.
JULES LAUGHS
Can I have your name?
Jack Rooke.
Jack Rooke. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK.
Erm, right. OK. Now, we do have
a little bit of a situation, right.
Um, you won't be in halls
straight away,
but we do have some alternative
accommodation on site. OK?
Why ain't he movin' in here?
No, we just need to renovate
some of the rooms
because of the leaks. Leaks?!
Yeah, but don't worry. It's not
water damage. Just a bit of gas.
OK, guys, do you wanna follow me?
JULES LAUGHS
This way.
LIVELY, SURREAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC
All right? Right, gang.
Er, right. Have I lost you?
Are you there?
There you are. SINGING: It's your
first day, it's your first day!
SHE PANTS
Right. Sorry.
It's actually a lot...
lot further than I thought.
SHE LAUGHS
Well, welcome. Bienvenue.
Han yang.
SHE LAUGHS
OK? Tell me this is a fucking joke.
It's a joke.
No, I'm j-... I'm joking.
No, it's your accommodation.
Fuck sake!
All right.
Let's get you settled in, shall we?
Oh, sorry.
Um, Jack, meet, um, Danny.
Danny, meet Jack.
Hello. We just thought
we'd put you two mature students
together. Yeah, lovely!
I... I only deferred one year.
I'm... I'm 19.
Yeah, I'm...
I'm a bit older than that, but...
You're 25!Yeah!
SHE LAUGHS
I know that.
Have you been to Center Parcs?
It's quite Center Parcs-esque, isn't
it? It's lovely. Yeah. Great. OK.
All right. Better go.
No rest, work and all that.
See you later, Mum!
JULES LAUGHS
PEGGY, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Bye.
Bye!
Bloody 'ell. Here, "Jack and Danny".
Cockney rhyming slang
for fanny, innit? Oh!
PEGGY AND DANNY LAUGH
ELECTRICITY BUZZES
Ah, shit!
On the scale of injustice,
this felt like when Gamu didn't get
through to the live shows
on X Factor.
We decided to decorate
this ex-classroom
exactly like my room at home.
Mum had got the idea
off Paul O'Grady's Love Of Dogs,
cos Battersea recommend it
for any newly-housed pet
going through trauma.
And I just put a little bowl
of Bombay mix here
in case you get any guests. Mum!
No-one is gonna wanna eat Bombay
mix.
Well, it's just a nice touch, innit?
LOUD, FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND
Before I go, I've got to give you
this, from your old man, for you
on your first day at uni.
But he didn't even know
if I'd get in.
Oh, come off it. We all knew
you'd get in, you fucking geek.
THEY LAUGH
But, no, you're right. He did write
two versions just in case.
HE SIGHS
I really do miss him, Mum.
Two years tomorrow.
SHE CHUCKLES UNSTEADILY
Mad!
I'd often try not to cry aloud.
Not cos I wanted to be macho,
just cos my cry sounds like
Jimmy Carr's laugh.
HE WAILS / SOBS
WITH "AH, HA-HA-HA-HA" SOUND
JACK CONTINUES TO CRY
WITH LAUGHING, WAILING SOUND
HE CONTINUES TO SOB
Oh, come on. This is a happy moment.
Get to know that Danny lad.
Seems nice.
He looks like
a Take Me Out contestant.
Well, I'd keep MY light on for him.
Ahhh,
hope you meet a lovely girl here.
Be nice for you to be the one with
a girlfriend for once, wouldn't it?
When I was nine, Mum winced watching
Todd Grimshaw kiss Nick Tilsley
in Corrie, so I daredn't say.
Mum, will people think I fancy
if I hang her above my bed instead?
Nah. Poor girl's got enough
on her plate
without YOU fancying her.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE GASPS / SHE AND JACK EXCLAIM
Oh, my...!
Oh, shit! That's a window!
Sorry about that, Danny!
Mum! Sorry, Jack's mum!
Don't worry!
We've all got to de-stress somehow!
Oh, well, look, we'll have you
round ours for dinner sometime!
Do you like lasagne?
Yeah, I love lasagne!
DOOR CLICKS
Oh, God!
Make sure you check for skid marks
before you do your laundry. Yes!
And don't forget to change
the fish-bowl water. Yes.
I'd hate for Alison Hammond to die
in a pool of her own shit. Yes.
HE SIGHS
I love you.
You sure you're gonna be OK?
I love you too, my babe.
SHE STARTS ENGINE
And that was it.
After a year of watching
Jeremy Kyle, This Morning
and Loose Women religiously
together,
I'd finally left my mum.
And even though
she was ten minutes up the road,
I suddenly felt
a million miles from home.
SONG: If I Leave Here Tomorrow
by Lynyrd Skynyrd
# If I leave here tomorrow
SHE SINGS ALONG
SHE SOBS
# Would you still remember me?
HORN BEEPS
Oh, mate!
You are right up my fucking arse!
# For I must be travellin'... #
JAUNTY, FUNKY INCIDENTAL MUSIC
DANNY LAUGHS
Yes, lad. You got the beers in.
Like it.
Oh, no. I've got some ravioli.
Oh, is it? Nice!
IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
"It's Dolmio day!"
I love those guys.
Oh, mate!
I'm so sorry,
what you and your mum saw.
It's fine. We weren't watching.
DANNY LAUGHS
Your mum was havin' a little peek.
This is decent! Heads up.
Oh, jeez. Don't really drink beer.
Ooh! Cantona, Man U. Nice!
Er, yeah. I only really know of him
as an actor.
He gets his willy out in the film
You And The Night.
It's very artistic.
Oh, little bit of Bombay mix!
HE BEATBOXES
Don't mind if I do. Mm. Ugh!
That's rough. So, what's the POA
for tonight, fresher?
What?
Plan of action.
Probably have an early one.
Yeah, me too.
HE CHUCKLES
You joking?
Mate, it's fresher's night.
There's fit birds to meet.
Spent a long day travelling, so...
What? You live in Watford!
You told me.
It's, like, 15 minutes up the road.
Bruv, come on. You can't expect me
to go there bareback on my tod.
I need a wingman.
Sorry. I...
Not tonight.
OK. All right, cool.
Enjoy your meal-for-one.
Fuck!
DOOR CLICKS
Once I was finally alone,
I took on the rite of passage
destined for people like me.
I went to download Grindr.
But then...
JACK'S DAD: "Little man,
oh, don't be disappointed
you ain't got into uni.
Probably full of tossers anyway!"
"No-one we know's gone,
and WE'VE all ended up OK."
Yeah.
She'd given me the wrong letter.
"I hope Shannon's tag's off now."
"So go out there,
meet folk, find a job,
and here's the score."
"Get a round in."
JACK'S DAD LAUGHS
"Proud always. Dad."
SONG: Don't Burst My Bubble
by Small World
# Uh-oh...
BEAT BUILDS FAST AND DROPS
# Uh-oh, you're in trouble
# I step up in the game
and I burst that bubble
# Uh-oh... #
That is quite a fleece.
It's called a Borg jacket.
That is a fleece.
It's not a fleece.
It WAS a fleece.
They weren't trendy in 2013,
whereas nowadays
everyone's wearing 'em.
Right. One sec.
Wallet, phone, mouthwash...
Do you want some mouthwash?
I'm OK.
Cool. So, what's your type, Jacky?
Like what? Blood?
Yeah, blood. No, girls!
Oh! Er, I don't really have one.
HE CHUCKLES
I say that sometimes.
Right.
DANNY GRUNTS
Ohhhhhh! Come on, fleecey.
And so, after a year
spent mainly in bed
eating Rustlers microwave burgers
and watching Tumblr porn,
I suddenly found myself
surrounded... by this.
DANCE MUSIC POUNDS
GIRLS SCREAM
MUSIC CONTINUES TO BLARE AND POUND
THEY SPEAK UNDER MUSIC
There you go, bruv.
Oh, well! If it ain't Dick and Dom
in the bungalow!
Free condom?
Ooh, yeah. Go on.
Are you sure?
I mean, look, no pressure,
but trust me,
you don't wanna be caught
with no johnnies
on Brent Uni fresher's night.
I learnt the hard way back in '03.
What, you used to study here?
Class of Y2K, baby.
Yeah. See, that's what this place
does. It, like, led me on the path
to my dream job.
Wow! Great. Look, so,
when roughly do you think
we're gonna get rooms in halls?
Oh, yeah. Um, really sad to say,
but defs not gonna haps.
What? Jules, you said that the shed
was temporary.
Hmm...
SHE LAUGHS
Fuck! But halls is, like,
the best thing about uni.
Yeah.
The halls here are amazing, as well.
I had the best year of my life!
I mean, apart from the fact
I had to live with a jihadist, but
he sort of kept himself to himself,
really. Oh, er, this is Ash.
Have you met Ash?
He's my right-hand man assistant.
Caught any scamps doing drugs?
No! This lot seem a good bunch.
Oh, lush. All right, crew.
I'll see you later.
Oh, yes. Time for a tres sours
ice pup, methinks.
See ya.
MUSIC POUNDS IN BACKGROUND
You guys having fun?
Er, well, we just got here, so...
Need any gear, hit me up.
Ahhh.
All I ask is for your...discretion.
OK.
All right.
VOICEOVER: Aside from chatting
to drug dealers,
the main purpose of fresher's
seemed to be finding the fittest
person to use your free condoms on.
Right. Get your best chat ready.
Right. We're going over.
No. I'm OK.
Come on. Please! Please D.
Never have I ever
taken it up the arse.
Er, never have I ever
enjoyed this game.
Never have I ever seen
such a table full of treasure.
SHE LAUGHS
Aye. Fuck off.
What?
What's your name?
I'm Danny. Debs. These are
my halls mates, Pandora and Karen.
Hello. You all right?
Kar-IN!
This is Jack. Say hello, Jack.
Say hello, Jack.
Hello!
You take the one on the right.
No, thank you.
What? How did she hear that?
I can lip-read.
Why are you looking at my lips,
darling? Just always checking
for gobshites, "darling".
Hey. It's this one's turn,
and she is being frigid as FUCK!
SHE LAUGHS
I'm not frigid!
Seriously, I'm not frigid.
Hey. She's posh totty, Danny.
Oh, nice!
OK, wait. I'm actually, like...
My dad is working-class.
You can't call yourself
working-class
unless you've badly burned the roof
of your mouth on a Greggs.
Mm! Right. See that burn there?
Steak Bake.
Steak Bake?
Yeah.
OK. I've never actually been
to Greggs,
but that doesn't make me
a bad person.
No-one said it did, pet. But I bet
you've never put a Ginsters
in the microwave.
No.
OK, wait! I've got it! Oh, my God.
Never have I ever lived somewhere
with a microwave.
Er...until today.
SHE LAUGHS
Guilty.
Wait. What?
How'd you cook beans, then?
On the hob. Next you'll be telling
us you cook eggs in the oven.
Well, if I'm making a shakshuka,
then, yeah!
SHE LAUGHS
What the fuck is a shakshuka?!
HAND-DRYER WHIRS
DOOR CREAKS
Oh, dear!
Caught red-handed!
Right! Hand them over.
Brent uni has a very strict
no-drugs policy.
No, no, no, Jules.
These aren't drugs-drugs, OK?
Oh! I couldn't give a shit
if it's a Tic Tac, sweetheart!
Hand 'em over, please!
OK, fine. There you go.
Thank you.
They're prescription. OK.
I have to take them at night-time,
so... OK. What are they for?
They're antidepressants.
Antidepressants...
Read it.
Um... Yeah.
Cool.
Cool, cool. Cool?
SHE CHUCKLES
Soz. Soz about that.
It's fine.
Um...look, if I see you out
on the D-floor,
well, you can have one on me.
Wicked. Cheers.
All right. Good.
All right.
All right. See you later.
Soz about that.
Fucking nightmare!
MUSIC: Sandstorm
by Darude
MUSIC POUNDS / GLASSES CLINK
Back in the olden days, men in bars
would wear different-colour
handkerchiefs in back pockets
to discreetly signify homosexuality.
Then Pesos was invented,
so now it's really easy.
I'm... I'm Jack. Fancy a drink?
I've... I've quite a few.
Yeah, man. Did you get ditched?
Yeah. You too?
I don't get ditched.
I'm here because my flatmates
forced me to come,
but I've ditched them
to just...observe.
HE SIGHS
So, er...
what are you observing?
A relatively cute guy
also wearing my top.
Oh!
HE GASPS
Oh!
You meant me.
THEY LAUGH
Oh! Oh!
OK. Don't worry about it.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
Can we go somewhere a bit more...
Romantic, this, Jack.
Sorry.
And so this was the site
of my third-ever snog,
after Amy Woods on my failed
Duke of Edinburgh expedition,
and some old man who mistook me
for his wife in Budgens.
And as I went down south,
without a clue what I was doing,
I suddenly heard...
Argh! Agh! Fuck!
What do we do? What do we do?
Don't move! Don't...move!
HE HYPERVENTILATES IN PANIC
Oh, my God!
Agh! Argh! Agh!
Agh! Agh!
ALARM BLARES
I gave him a hug, and we got
tangled.
Well, Jack, next time you wanna hug,
just ask me for one.
Actually, no, don't do that, cos
that could constitute as misconduct.
MUSIC POUNDS
What in the fuckin' tune is this?
Oh! Funny.
SHE LAUGHS
HE GASPS IN RELIEF
Yeah, mate... I'm sorry.
Don't even talk to me.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER ECHOES AND DISTORTS
MUSIC BLARES / LAUGHTER CONTINUES
MUSIC BLARES AND DISTORTS
MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE /
HE SNIFFS
Hoi, Jack!
Where you going, fresher?
Bed!
Well, you left without your fleece!
Jack, are you crying?
No. I...
I...I just wanna be asleep
before midnight.
Ooh! What happens at midnight?
I just wanna be asleep, all right?
Why?
Cos this is shit!
Everyone said...uni'll be fun,
but...
..the only reason I'm even here
is cos I can't just
sit at home on the sofa
with my mum any more.
OK. All right. Look, calm down.
Just go back, all right?
Take this. Go on.
Thanks, Danny.
Come on.
Shakin' like a shitting dog, mate.
JACK LAUGHS
Take a deep breath.
DANNY EXHALES
All right?
All right, listen. If you could be
doing ANYTHING right now,
what would you wanna do?
"8:50 PM. This revealing documentary
explores the world
of circus children
who turn serial killers."
Mmm.
Channel 5?
Yes!
Obviously. I'm so good at this game.
You feeling better?
Yeah.
Thanks, Danny. I just, like...
haven't really been around
people much,
let alone guys,
so sometimes I just...
I don't... I don't really know
how to talk to people.
Right. Imagine I'm some fit lad
coming up to you, OK?
O...K.
Hi, geez. How's tricks, fella?
Um... Hello...
..you.
Tricks...
are tricky.
OK.
Or you could be
a bit more confident,
do you know what I mean?
Bit sort of like...
"What's happenin', boss?
Fancy getting your dick wet?"
Yeah!
HE LAUGHS
But, er...I don't think
that's gonna work for me.
OK, yeah, fair enough.
You just stick with "Hello, you."
I'll stick with "Hello, you."
This was the first moment I felt
I might cope at university.
The first moment
my friendship with you began.
BANGING / CLATTERING
Fuck was that?
JULES SINGS DRUNKENLY
Er...
Hiya, lads.
SHE SINGS / LAUGHS
Yeah, no. It's only me. Hiya.
Just checkin' you're all right.
SHE LAUGHS
I just stole this fuckin' pizza!
LIGHTS BUZZ
Run!
Are you buying drugs?
No! Leave it out.
Well, yeah, I am, actually.
Hoi!
I feel wonderful.
# Would you like us to assign
someone to wear your model
# Excuse me?
# What? #
I should send this parcel
back to ISIS. ASOS.
Oh, yeah.
MUSIC POUNDS
BOTH SING LOUDLY: # Fix him a vodka,
he's on his fuckin' vodka... #
Just don't do anything I wouldn't
do. I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke,
but you get what I mean.
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue all day long
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue all day long
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue all day long
# On the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
# On the chaise longue
all day long. #
HAMMERING
Oof!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media