Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 8, Episode 24 - A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished - full transcript

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[BUZZING]

[♪]

[YAWNS]

It's close, but it just misses.

Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.

What time did you get up?

Early.

It seemed like 10 minutes
after I went to sleep.

So I decided to take
another run on the campaign



for the Benson Mattress account.

Honey, you look exhausted.
Is working this hard worth it?

Larry's promised me a healthy
bonus if I land this account,

and we're gonna spend
a carefree week in Bermuda.

Well, that's terrific.

If I land this account.

Something I haven't done
much of lately.

Well, you'll think of something.
I know you will.

Let's see what you got.

"You'll stop counting sheep
on a Benson Sleep-Ezy Mattress."

"You'll sleep like a king
on a Benson Sleep-Ezy Mattress."

"You'll sleep tight as a drum
on a Benson's..."

Well, what's wrong
with these ideas?

They're ordinary.



They need some kind of
jazzing up.

They need...

I don't know what they need.

Well, let's see.

What if you had one sheep
instead of five?

Then, let's see.

"One sheep is all...

"you'll have time to count...

on a Benson Sleep-Ezy
mattress."

Not bad, not bad at all.

And in this one you could have

a younger version
of the man that's asleep

bounding out of bed,

with a prince's crown,
and it could read...

"You'll sleep like a king
and awake like a prince."

Yeah.

Now, this one, here's the drum,
let's see.

Over here you could put a fiddle

with the notes coming out.

"You'll sleep tight as a drum
and awake

fit as a fiddle."

Sam, that's great.

I knew I was close,
but you zeroed right in on it.

[♪]

Hold it.

Sam, you didn't...

Didn't what?

Well, it's very sweet
and generous of you,

but I don't want
that kind of help.

Darrin, there was no witchcraft
involved in my ideas.

Then what do you call it?

I call it using my brain.

I do have one, you know.

I understand.

It's only normal for you.
You want me to succeed and...

Darrin, if you keep this up

we're only going to succeed
in having a fight.

Well, I don't want
to have a fight.

So I better be getting
to the office.

Besides, I have to get these
roughs to the art department

if I want to make that 1:00
meeting with Larry and Benson.

[♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Dumbo's ego's a bit bruised, eh?

Mother, this is one time
I can do

without your eavesdropping.

Ooh!

[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

I thought you'd left.

I can't bear to stand by

and watch that mortal boob

cast a shroud over my daughter

who should be wearing
mantles of moonbeams.

Mother, that's pretty corny.

But true.

Well, I don't blame him
for being mad.

He thinks I used witchcraft.

Didn't you?

No!

Well, he should have used
your ideas anyway,

especially since he's never had
one of his own.

He'll land that account
on his own,

with the bonus that goes with it

for our trip to Bermuda.

If you leave him on his own,

the closest you'll get
to Bermuda

will be an onion.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Ha.

[GROANS]

It's Benson.

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Come in, come in,
Mr. Benson.

You know Stephens.
Yes.

Yes, Mr. Benson,
how are you?

Stephens.
Fine, thank you.

Benson, I promised you
the best ideas

the business could deliver,

and you're about to hear them.

Go ahead, Darrin.

Well, Mr. Stephens,
it's obvious you don't sleep

on a Benson mattress.

If you did,
you wouldn't be yawning.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

That's not a yawn, Mr. Benson,
he was just popping his ears.

We are on the 32nd floor,
you know.

I'm sorry, Larry,
but Mr. Benson was right.

No man can be creative unless
he has what nature intended.

Eight hours of shuteye
on a Benson mattress.

Well, I'll try, anyway. Heh-heh!

Uh, Mr. Benson?

[♪]

Here you are, have a seat.

We have, uh, three concepts.

The first one is designed
for billboards.

Cliché.

Go ahead, Darrin,
show him the next one.

The, uh, next one
is designed for magazines.

This will be a full-color
double truck.

Too on the nose.

The next one, Darrin.
Quickly.

Uh...

We plan to use this one
for full-page newspaper ads.

It's too direct,
too, uh... Too simple.

They need a...
A gimmick.

Interesting.

I was making
a similar comment earlier.

Well, if that's
all you have to offer,

I think I'd better
be moving along.

Just a minute,
Mr. Benson.

Uh, I...

I do have some variations
on these ideas.

Well?
Well?

BENSON:
I'm waiting.

But they're not fully developed,

so I'm not gonna tell you
about them.

Darrin, I'm sure Mr. Benson
would love to hear

the other ideas,

and I'd hate to disappoint him.

I'm sorry, Larry,
but I just can't.

[YAWNS]

Stephens, apparently my account
is keeping you up.

So, uh, I think I'll be going.

Ah, feel free to nod off
at any time.

Right, Mr. Benson.

Uh, Mr. Benson, I'll...
I'll call you later. Bye.

[WHISTLING]

Hi, honey. I'm home.

I'm in here, making us a drink.

Is it a wake or a celebration?

Oh. If that smile
is any indication,

you must have had a great day.

"Great" isn't the word,
but it worked out fine.

[YAWNS]

Do you want to tell me now,

or do you want to
take a nap first?

Well, first of all,
I didn't use any of your ideas.

Oh. The way you left
the house this morning,

I didn't think you would.

No, sir, not one.

Congratulations, sweetheart,
you got the account on your own.

Wrong. I presented my own ideas
and they bombed out.

Darrin, I told you,

there was no witchcraft
involved in my ideas.

Just because blondes
have more fun

doesn't make them brainless,
you know.

No, I know, sweetheart,

but, uh, when you're married
to a witch,

there's always
that possible possibility,

and that's enough.

Darrin, you are living proof

that a good deed
never goes unpunished.

Who said that? Socrates?
I'm sure you knew him well.

There you go again.
Insinuating about my age.

Just how friendly
were you with Socrates?

Not half as friendly
as I was with Plato.

Now, there was a brain.

Darrin, I'd like to make
a statement.

Yeah. Are you ready
to admit the truth?

Yes.

I'm listening.

Well, the truth is, with you,

I'm darned if I do
and I'm darned if I don't.

And I'm darned if I don't find
your entire attitude revolting.

Okay, forget it.

Good.

Except for one thing.

I'm willing to forgive you.

That's very generous of you,

but I don't want to be forgiven
for something I didn't do.

However,

if I'm going to be stuck
with the name,

I might as well enjoy the game.

Now, Samantha, cut that out.

I am willing to discuss
this whole thing in the flesh.

Excuse me.
I want to change these flowers.

It's not polite to disappear
when someone's talking to you.

When someone stops
making false accusations

and decides to be
a responsible person,

someone else
will stop disappearing.

No.

[♪]

Sweetheart, I think you're
blowing this up

way out of proportion.

I mean, it's bad enough

having dinner
with the Invisible Lady,

but this is getting ridiculous.

[HANDS SLAPS]

Don't touch me.

All right, I'll make
a deal with you.

Just confess
that you used witchcraft,

and we'll forget
about the whole thing.

Really?

Well, I'll make a deal with you.

What's that?

This.

Sorehead!

Thanks for nothing!

[GROANS]

[♪]

Thank you, Mommy.

SAMANTHA:
You're welcome, sweetheart.

TABITHA: Daddy, how
come Mommy's invisible?

[SIGHS]

Because...

[YAWNS]

She doesn't want
to face the truth.

SAMANTHA:
Tabitha, tell your father

the truth he is referring to
is not the whole truth.

It's not even a half-truth.

In fact, it's a lie.

Daddy, Mommy said...

Tell your mother

that if she wants
to discuss this face-to-face,

I would like to see her face.

Mommy, Daddy said...

SAMANTHA: Tell Daddy when
he's ready to apologize,

my face will be available.

Daddy, Mommy said...

DARRIN: Ask your mother if I
could have a cup of coffee.

SAMANTHA:
Tell him to get it himself.

Tell her... Never mind,
I'll have it at the office.

Goodbye, Tabitha.

Do you want me to kiss Mommy
for you, Daddy?

I don't think so, honey.

Something as valuable as kisses
shouldn't be wasted on thin air.

[♪]

TABITHA:
Hi, Mommy.

Hi, sweetheart.

You and Daddy had a fight, huh?

I'm afraid we did.

Who won?

Well, it isn't over yet.

But we're both losing.

[GIGGLES]

Everything will be all right,
I hope.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[♪]

[♪]

Mother, please,

if you don't mind,
I'd like my dirty dishes back.

ENDORA: I'm just trying
to help, my darling.

Trouble still brewing
in paradise?

Oh, Mother,

Darrin's right,
I shouldn't butt in.

And I don't want to discuss it.

I've made arrangements
for space on Cloud 9,

family plan.

Why don't you pack everybody up
and come with me, hm?

Mother, I am not going anywhere.

I am going to stay right here,

and when Darrin comes home,
I'm gonna tell him

that he was right
and I was wrong,

and from now on,
I'm gonna mind my own business.

To err is human,
to forgive, divine.

Exactly.

Well, when you're up to here
in err

and you've turned into
one huge lump of divine,

don't say Mama didn't warn you.

But if you change your mind,

the ambrosia hour on Cloud 9

is from 4 to 8.

Forget it, Mother!

Oh, you'll drive me crazy.

Larry, what are you doing?

You look half dead.
What's wrong?

I didn't get much sleep
last night.

I'm too tall for the couch.

[LAUGHS]

You'll get used to it.

I've reached the point where
I sleep better on the couch.

And as for what I'm doing,
I'm going through

your alternate concepts.
They're great.

I know.

"You'll sleep like a king

and awake like a prince
on a Benson."

"You'll sleep tight as drum
and awake fit as a fiddle."

Darrin, these are sensational.

Of course they are.

Now, if I wanted
to use those ideas,

I could lock up the account
like that.

If you wanted to?

Don't you want the sun
to rise in the morning?

Don't you want to live
to a ripe old age?

Don't you want me
to live till tomorrow?

Forget it, Larry,
we've already lost Benson.

It's too late.

No, we didn't.

I very wisely arranged

to have cocktails
with him last night

and convinced him
to give us another shot.

[LAUGHS]

I knew you'd come through,
you son of a gun.

I'm sorry, Larry,

but I'm not gonna
show Benson these layouts.

Why not?

Well, it wouldn't be fair.

Darrin,

have you been drinking?

Not even coffee.

Which is another story.

Look, I don't know
what your problem is,

but Benson's going to be here
any minute,

and I'm going to show him
these layouts.

Oh, no, you're not,
it would be unfair to Benson.

He'd love these ideas.
He'd be powerless not to.

Why, are they laced
with black magic?

You guessed it.

[BUZZING]

Yes?

Mr. Benson is here?
Al...? Already?

Heh! Well, send him in.

Larry, I am not gonna
present these ideas.

You're not, but I am.

Everything in this office

is the property
of McMann & Tate.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Heh. Oh, hi, Mr. Benson.

Uh, we were just mulling
over a few ideas for you.

It looks more like you were
mauling them.

You're not yawning,
Mr. Stephens.

I presume you had
a good night's sleep.

Excellent.

I was talking to Stephens.

Well, that's all right.

He can speak for me.
I'm his property.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Have a seat,
Mr. Benson.

You think I'm gonna
be here that long?

Mr. Benson,
I've got a feeling

that you're going to be
very pleasantly surprised.

[♪]

There you go.

These are just
what you're after, Mr. Benson.

Darrin and I pitched in
and came up with some real gems.

"One sheep is all
you'll have time to count.

Awake like a prince.
Fit as a fiddle."

Well, they, uh,
do have something...

but then they haven't got
anything else.

I don't like 'em.

Did you say,
"I don't like them"?

Too gimmicky.

Gimmicky?
Yes.

You mean,

you have no compulsion
to like them?

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure.

You mean, deep down,

you're not fighting the desire
to say, "I love them"?

I could learn to hate them

if it would make you
any happier.

Oh, Mr. Benson,
I couldn't be any happier.

Darrin, have you become
completely unglued?

No, Larry, you don't understand.

Mr. Benson, I'm eternally
in your debt.

Where are you going?

Well, um, I'm taking
the rest of the day off.

There's something
I've got to do,

and I gotta do it now
before it's too late.

Mr. Benson, I can't tell you
how happy you've made me.

[♪]

[♪]

What a day.

Cloud 9 has never been
more glorious.

Well, I'm happy
to hear that, Mother.

Samantha, while you're waiting
for Durwood to come home,

why don't you
give yourself a treat?

Come on and spend
the rest of the day

with me on Cloud 9.

The change will do you good.

And who knows,
you might get to like it there.

Oh, I don't know, Mother,
I'm worried about Darrin.

Oh, you're too protective.

You're his wife, not his nanny,

although I suspect a nanny
is what he really needs.

Samantha, he's acting
churlishly, and you know it.

I guess so.

Where are the children?

Well, Tabitha's in school.

Adam's in the park
with Esmeralda.

Perfect,

then there's nothing
to keep you here.

All right, Mother.

Good.

Maybe the change
of atmosphere would help.

[♪]

Like it?

Mmm.
It's heavenly.

You know, I'd almost forgotten
what smog-free air was like.

Sam?

Sam, I'm home!

[♪]

Are you here, Sam?

DARRIN:
I'll even settle for invisible.

Sam, I don't know where you are
or if you can hear me,

but, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Sam, I was wrong
not to believe you.

I know that you didn't use
witchcraft.

All I proved was that I have
pride and integrity,

and that I'm stupid.

Well, he has something there.

Ta-ta, Mama.

I miss you,
and I wish you'd come home.

Please, honey, forgive me,

wherever you are.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

Am I glad to see you.

Where have you been?

Not far.

Sam, I'm sorry.

I... I should've known
you wouldn't lie to me.

That's right, you should've.

I promise I'll never
doubt you again.

[GIGGLES]

What made you change your mind?

Well, Larry got ahold
of my roughs

with your changes on them

and pitched them
to Benson and, uh...

And?

Well,

Benson didn't like them. Heh.

Which proves to you
that I didn't use witchcraft

and which proves to me
that you thought I was guilty

until I was proven innocent.

Isn't that supposed to work
the other way around?

I know I was wrong,

but the only important thing
is...

that I love you.

I love you.

[YAWNS]

Thanks a lot.

I'm sorry, honey.

All marriages
have their problems,

but for us to be losing sleep

over some dumb mattress account
is ridiculous.

What did you say?

I said all marriages
have problems.

No, no, the... The last part.

Uh, um, it's ridiculous for us
to be losing sleep

over some dumb account.

Yeah, why didn't I think
of that before?

What are you talking about?

Are you sure you don't know?

Don't know what?

Never mind.

I've got it.

I've got the answer,
and it's perfect.

What's even more, it's inspired.

More than that, you inspired it.

I did?
Yes, you did.

Where are you going?

To see Benson.

But I'll be back
before you know it.

[♪]

I love you, honey.

Don't disappear.

[GIGGLES]

Well, Samantha,
you've done it again.

You are wrong, Mother.

I merely inspired the idea.

Darrin found it,
which is the way it should be.

I suppose what Durwood
doesn't know

will never hurt him.

Mother, what difference
does it make?

What's a wife for
if she can't inspire her husband

with occasional witchly
wife-craft?

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

He loved it.
Benson absolutely loved it.

I knew he would
the minute I heard you say it.

And Sam, I owe it all to you.

Thank you.

Well, at least
three-quarters of it.

I'll take half.

You've got it.

[GRUNTS] Oops.

Did Larry like it?

He hated it.

Right up until the time
that Benson loved it.

Uh, Sam...

did you really know
Plato and Socrates?

Of course not.
I wasn't even born yet.

I always had doubts.

Let's not start that again.

[YAWNS] I'm sorry, sweetheart,

but I'm getting punchy.

No sleep and all this excitement
is getting to me.

I understand.
We'll go to sleep early.

Good.

Oh.
Oh.

Uh, I'll get a towel.

Okay.

[♪]

[GIGGLES]

I said early,

not immediately.

Oh, dear.

Well, a toast...

to Benson
Sleep-Ezy mattresses.

When you're exhausted,
a bed of nails is just as good.

Mmm.

[SNORES]

[♪]