Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 8, Episode 17 - Serena's Richcraft - full transcript

Serena is stripped of her powers by the Contessa Pirhana, another witch, as Serena cavorted with one of the Contessa's harem of men. As such, Serena decides to try the mortal life and date a mortal she finds handsome and interesting. The person she chooses is wealthy Harrison Woolcott, a potential client of Darrin's. Serena's open pursuit of Woolcott frightens Darrin, who fears that Serena will ruin his chances of getting the account. His fears are heightened when Woolcott seems to be falling for Serena. With a little help from Samantha, Darrin tries to break up Serena and Woolcott without jeopardizing the account. Meanwhile, Samantha focuses her attention on Pirhana and getting her to restore Serena's powers.

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Larry.
[DOOR CLOSES]

Yeah. Yeah, he's ready.
You want to talk to him?

You're kidding.

Yeah, sure,
I'll tell him. Bye-bye.

That was Larry.

He and Mr. Woolcott
will be over



to pick you up
in a few minutes and guess what?

What?

In Mr. Woolcott's
helicopter.

You're kidding.
That's what I said.

Well, I guess if you're stuck

being one of the 10 richest men
in the world,

you might as well live like it.
[TITTERS]

Where are you going?
He wants to show us the site

of the newest in the chain
of Woolcott Towers.

There's a chance we may be
handling the advertising

for all his hotels.
Wow.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, he said
they'd be right over,

but this is ridiculous.



[♪]

Serena.

Hi, coz.

Serena, since when
do you use a doorbell?

Or for that matter, a door?

Since when is it good manners
not to say hello?

Since...

Hello, Serena.

And what are you doing here?

When you're exiled,
you have to go someplace.

What do you mean "exiled"?

[CAR HORN HONKING] Oh, I forgot.

I told the cab driver
you'd pay the fare, Sammy.

BOTH:
Cab driver?

That's right.

Sweetheart, why don't
you pay the cab driver

and I'll find out
what's going on.

[♪]

Come on, Serena.

What do you mean "exiled"?

Contessa Pirhana blew her cool.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

How was I supposed to know
that Otto was her fiancé?

What did Pirhana do?

The old bat took me by surprise

and zapped away all my powers.

How'd you get here?

She zapped me onto the freeway.

It was humiliating
and suffocating.

How can you stand all that smog?

Serena, why don't you settle
in Switzerland?

They don't have a smog problem.

Darrin, this is serious.
Serena's lost her powers.

You bet it's serious.
She can't stay here.

[♪]

Sweetheart, where is
your compassion?

We can't throw her out.

I mean, if she's
without her powers,

she's going to need
some mortal basic training.

DARRIN: Then let's ship
her off to Fort Bragg.

Sam, powers or no powers,
if she stays here,

we're living in a potential
disaster area.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING OVERHEAD]

Oh, that must be Larry
and Mr. Woolcott.

Sam, anyplace but here.

[DOOR OPENS]

Wow.

Who's that cat?

Not bad-looking.

Must be rich, huh?

Forget it, Serena.

Oh, but, cousin.

If my witchcraft is
temporarily zonked,

what better substitute
than rich-craft?

I mean, there's not
much difference

between witchcraft
and rich-craft.

[CHUCKLES]

Except maybe
you fly a little slower.

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

But Sammy,

it would just be a little
harmless research on mortal men.

Serena, you picked
the wrong guinea pig.

Mr. Woolcott is
strictly business.

But, coz, if Durwood is going
to temporarily support me,

the least I can do is take
an interest in his business.

Serena, you may stay with us

as long as you promise
to stay out of Darrin's way.

That will be my pleasure.

TABITHA:
Mommy, Adam's eating my crayons.

[LAUGHING]

Little darling.

[SIGHS]

[♪]

[WHIRRING]

How did a nice little witch
like me

get into a mess like this?

"Woolcott Towers,
above the rest."

"Woolcott Towers,
above the rest."

Sounds good, Darrin.

Yeah, come on in.

Harrison, would you like
a drink before we start?

Yeah, good idea.

Hi, beautiful people.

You too, dumbo.

Dumbo?

It's a nickname.

A term of endearment.

If you say so.

Hi, cotton-top.

Hi, Serena.

[LUSTFUL CHUCKLE]

And who be you?

Serena, may I present
Harrison Woolcott?

Harrison, Serena is Sam's...

Younger cousin.

Serena.
How do you do?

How do you do?

Serena, why don't you
go upstairs...?

Say!

I'll bet you're Harrison
Woolcott of the Woolcott Towers,

right, Mr. Woolcott?

May I call you Harrison?

Whatever you call me,
I'll be sure to answer.

Terrific.

[♪]

Now, you just put your little
self right down there.

You know, the Woolcott Towers
have always been

my home away from home.

Oh, groovy.

Oh, yeah.

New York, Tokyo, Istanbul.

But my favorite

is in San Francisco.

San Francisco?
Uh-huh.

Well, I'm afraid you're
a little young for that hotel.

I'm not too young for any hotel.

HARRISON:
Yes, but you see,

that burned down 50 years ago.

Huh?

She means her mommy
used to stay there.

Uh, Harrison, I'd like you
to meet my wife, Samantha.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Let's go.

Well, you see, they were...

Well, I guess you'd like to go
over the ad concepts now.

You guess wrong.

You always travel
with your husband?

Never with my husband.

She means she's
never been married.

Yes. She never settles down
long enough to meet anyone.

It's go, go, go.

Speaking of go,

I better get Serena
to the airport

before she misses
her plane for Switzerland.

She's not gonna miss anything.

Darrin, don't let her
go to Switzerland.

I can't talk her out of it.

Can anyone try?

Try, dumbo.

Uh, Sam, I think we need
some ice for the drinks.

Excuse us.
Excuse us.

Sam, do you realize
what's going on in there?

Yes. She's flirting
like any normal girl.

A, she is not a normal girl,

B, what she's flirting
with is my future.

If she gets involved
with Woolcott,

it's bound to end up
a catastrophe.

Now, I am not running a home
for delinquent witches.

I want Serena out of this house.

I'm glad you feel that way,
dumbo,

because Harrison has asked me
to go boating with him

this afternoon.

I think I can discourage him.

I doubt it.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, oh, Sammy.

Oh, he is charming.

Spelled R-I-C-H.

Don't hassle me, Sammy.

[♪]

Now, this is the main salon.

Or saloon, as you prefer.

I think "saloon" is less
pretentious and more fun,

don't you?
[LAUGHS]

Oh, what lovely paintings.

Thank you.

Picasso, Matisse...

[TITTERS]

Cute.

"Cute."

That's an odd thing
to say about van Gogh.

Maybe Irving Van Gogh,
not Vincent.

Are you saying this is a copy?

Isn't it?

I asked you first.

Of course it's a copy.

And so are these.
Didn't you know?

Yes, I know.

Oh, how clever of you

to hang copies.

The salt air would have ruined
the original canvasses,

which I hope you have.

Yes, I have.

You know what's extraordinary,
is nobody else ever suspected.

How did you know?

Well,
take the van Gogh, for instance.

Mm-hm.
Look at those brushstrokes.

Vincent never caressed a canvas.

He attacked it.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, he was an angry young man,
I can tell you.

Sounds like you speak
from personal experience.

Oh, you can't get more personal.

What?

I... I...

I mean...

I did my thesis on van Gogh.

[LAUGHS]

I really immersed myself
in his life.

[♪]

Here, let me.

[LAUGHING] Oh, thank you.

I'm not very bright
about some things.

Only about the things
that matter, eh?

[CHUCKLES]

Mm. Yummy.

Mm.

Château Margaux 1957.

I don't think so.
My guess would be...

Château Lafite Rothschild '45.

Well, what's the difference
so long as it's fermented?

Now, this Margaux...

Yes, it is Lafite '45.

That's amazing because
the captain said

he was gonna serve Margaux.

Just for that I'll have to
bust him to corporal.

[LAUGHING] Oh!

[KNOCK AT DOOR] Yes?

The cook would like to see you
in the galley, sir.

It must be about lunch.
Don't go away.

Not I.

"Close cover before striking."

What are you doing?

Well, I... I was trying
to light a match.

Now, either I'm not
striking them hard enough,

or the matches are faulty.

You are one of the most
delightfully helpless creatures

I've ever met in my life.

[CHUCKLES]

About some things, Harry.

Only about some things.

Now, let's talk about you.

Is it true that you are one
of the 10 richest men

in the world?

Well, that was a matter
of timing.

What do you mean?

Well, at the time I was born
my father happened to be

one of the 10 richest men
in the world.

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Where did you get
your education?

At Witches U.

Witches U?

Oh.

That's my nickname for Vassar.

We had a witch for a dean.

[LAUGHS]

Serena,

you're a remarkable girl.

You know, I feel that
the chemistry between us

is very good.

And the biology isn't bad,
either.

[♪]

[♪]

I am going to kill her, Sam.

I'm going to kill her and no
jury on Earth will convict me.

They were only gone three days.

And I'm thinking.

And I'm thinking.

She's up there right now,

getting dressed
to meet him for lunch.

That'll probably be
another three days.

And what I'm thinking

is when Harrison
meets Serena for lunch,

it won't be Serena he meets.

Who will it be?
Me.

I'm gonna to take advantage
of Serena's delicate condition

and put her in the deep freeze
until after lunch.

Whatever Serena turned on,
I am gonna turn off.

Don't tell me another thing.

I love it, and I've got to
get to the office.

[MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm, thank you.

Hi, I ordered you a martini.

Oh, thank you.

Well.

You look more beautiful
than the last time I saw you.

You just saw me two hours ago.

Well, it seems more
like two weeks.

Harrison...
Mm.

There's something
I have to say to you.

Well, before you do,

are you interested
in buried treasure?

Wh...? What?

Look under your napkin.

Go on.

Open it.

[GASPING]

You have got to be kidding.

Well, Tiffany's was pretty
serious about it.

They closed up
for the rest of the week.

Uh, look, buster,

we had a nice little cruise
together,

but don't hang anything
permanent on me.

I've heard of schizophrenia,
but this is ridiculous.

What happened to you?

Well, I was under a spell
on the yacht.

The full moon reflecting
on the water.

The balmy breezes blowing.
The stars in the sky.

There was no moon.
It was foggy.

And as for the balmy breezes,

we were in a squall
most of the time.

Well, you've guessed my problem.

I have these hallucinations.

I don't believe this.

Well, you better believe it.
And I have another problem.

A psychotic fear of money.

When I handle it,
I break out in hives.

Well, you don't have
to handle it.

We'll let the help do that.

Harrison,

to put this as nicely
as I know how,

you and I, we're two ships
that passed in the night.

We tooted our whistles
at each other.

Now we must sail on.

Uh, waiter?

Yes, sir.

I'd like another drink,
a double, please,

and one for the young lady.

What lady?

How about a cup of black coffee
instead?

Yes, it's a very good idea.

She is the most
remarkable bundle

of delightful contradictions
that I have ever known.

This is a girl who can't unscrew
the top on a bottle of olives

yet can read the stars
like Galileo.

She can't dial a telephone

but she can tell you
what went on in the bedroom

of Alexander Graham Bell
in 1902.

Now, that's heavy.

Well, doesn't that prove
she's kind of strange?

Sure, it's strange, but it's
like an exciting strange.

Oh, exciting.
Definitely exciting.

You know another thing
that fascinates me?

She doesn't care about my loot.

They don't make girls
like that anymore.

On the other hand,

just to turn you down because
you're wealthy

is a kind of reverse prejudice.

And you wouldn't want to have
anything to do with a bigot.

Stephens, I don't want to hear
about your hang-ups

with your wife's cousin.

I don't want to hear that.

That's between you
and your psychiatrist.

I want to hear you say,

"Harrison, let's go back
to my house

and see if we can
talk some sense into Serena."

That's what I want
to hear you say.

Say it, Darrin. Say it.

All right, I'll say it.

Harrison, why don't we
all go back to Darrin's house

and see if we can talk
some sense into Serena?

That's the way to say it.

Come on.

Compass point east
And west and north.

I beg the Contessa Pirhana
Come forth.

You begged.

Sit down, Contessa.

No, thank you.

Aunt Hepzibah taught me that
sitting was a sign of weakness.

Contessa, it is unbecoming
to hold a grudge.

Yes, but so satisfying.

How many fiancés do you have?

The usual, of course. One.

Two.

Three.

Including Otto?

Yes, I gave him another chance.

Okay.

Then why not give her
another chance too?

Is she sufficiently remorseful?

Oh, she's a real pussycat.

Aren't you, Serena?

[CHUCKLES]

Yes.

And one of these days
you are going to be my mouse.

As for you...

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, Harrison.

Hi, Darrin, Larry.
Sam.

Come in, there's somebody
I'd like you to meet.

Darrin, Mr. Tate,
Mr. Woolcott,

this is the Contessa Pirhana.

HARRISON:
How do, Contessa?

I'm happy to know you.

[MAGICAL CHIMES]

Did I say happy?

I meant enchanted.

Okay, okay, you've met her.

Now, buzz off, Pirhana.
I don't need you anymore.

I have found my true love.

Excuse me, I have to ask
the Contessa something.

Would it be presumptuous
of me to ask

what you're doing
in the immediate future?

Like tonight?

Now... Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

There's something freaky
going on here.

I'm having dinner with you.

Followed by an evening
of dancing, merry-making,

et cetera.

[GASPS]

Et cetera!

Et cetera?

When do you pick me up?

I just did.
Oh...

Why don't we start the evening
this afternoon?

Oh, now, wait a minute,
Harrison.

Mr. Woolcott, please.

Serena, the Contessa
and I have to have a talk.

Alone.

Come along.

But... But...

You too.

Okay. Which wise witch
pulled this stunt?

Well, don't look at me.

I gave up love spells
in high school.

I'm taking the fifth.

He's attractive, isn't he?

You had your revenge, Pirhana.

So before you embark
on your night of dancing,

merry-making,
et cetera,

undo your thing.

Party pooper.

All right.

Repeat after me.

I am sorry, Contessa.

I'm sorry, Contessa.

Smile witch, laugh witch
Take your powers back, witch.

There.

It's been really fun.

LARRY: Harrison, that's
a brilliant idea.

Harrison, we have so much
to look forward to.

Let's not waste one moment.

I'm hip. Let's go.

But we've got business
to discuss.

Harrison, we would like a...

This is business too, you know.

Would you drop me at my place?

HARRISON:
I'll get you a cab.

Sam.

Now we're right back
in the same mess.

Well, it was the only way
I could get Pirhana

to take the spell off Serena.

Yeah.

I guess anything's worth
getting rid of her.

Ha, ha.

Thanks a lot, superfink.

Sam.

Well...

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Well, Mr. Woolcott.
Hi.

Come in.
Thank you.

How are you?

I'm all right.
I'm a little weary.

Yes, I can see that.

Hi, Harrison.
Hi, Darrin, how are you?

I went over your layouts
and they're super.

Oh, thank you.

We got a deal.

We'll work out the details
when I get back, okay?

Get back?

Yeah, I'm gonna put out on the
boat for a couple of months.

Rest up.

By the way, if you should
see Pirhana again,

will you tell her I'm sorry
that I freaked out?

Freaked out?

Yeah, well, the other night
when I took her out

we made the rounds, you know,
all the clubs.

And I guess maybe I had
a little too much to drink.

Let's face it,
I was stoned out of my gourd.

What happened?

Well, we were dancing
cheek-to-cheek.

It was nice, romantic,
music was playing softly

and I was singing in her ear.

♪ Fly me to the moon ♪

The next thing I knew,
I was on my way.

Where?

To the moon.

Well, that must have been
some nightmare.

It was some kind of heavy trip,
whatever it was.

Well, I'd better split.

Shh.

Just shh.

[♪]

[♪]