Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 8, Episode 11 - The Warlock in the Gray Flannel Suit - full transcript

Hi. This is Elizabeth Montgomery

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[♪]

Just toast, honey.

Things are really
piling up at the office.

We have a chance of closing

on the Monticello Carpet
account.

[YELPS]

Why, Durwood,
I didn't know you cared.

Mother.

Endora, would you kindly



give us some warning
when you're coming by?

Sending something ahead of you

that's not so frightening.

Like a dragon.

Darrin.

I'll send a fire-breathing one,

and we'll find out
how inflammable you are.

Mother.

Endora, I am officially
informing you

that you are trespassing here.

Darrin!

I think I'm in a rut.

Have you told him?

Of course not.



Because I'm not going.

Uh, not going where?

My cousin Panda's
getting married.

It would be a disgrace
if Samantha missed the wedding.

They were very close
as children.

Well, maybe we could make it.

When is it?

Next weekend.

In Hong Kong.

It's out of the question.

Endora.

Mother, that's not funny.

He treats you like a prisoner,

you might as well look like one.

I am not a prisoner
in this house.

Except when you show up.

DARRIN:
The point is, Endora,

I would want Sam
to go to the wedding,

but we just got back from Europe

and work is piling up at the
office,

and I just cannot get away
at this time.

I will send my apologies
to Panda.

I'm sure she'll understand.

You actually mean
you're going to

let Durwood's silly job
keep you from...

You bet your sweet broomstick.

Oh, how quaint.

Mother, would you mind
springing me?

Of course not, dear.

Thanks a lot.

I'll see you at the wedding,
my darling.

What did she mean by that?

I, uh... I think I'd
rather not think about it.

[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

Powers of day, powers of flight.

Bring Alonzo here,
into my sight!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Endora, baby,
this is a pleasant surprise.

Alonzo, you look
perfectly disreputable.

Well, thank you.
I'm just doing my thing.

Beautiful trip,
but what am I doing here?

Have I ever told you

about Samantha's
mortal marriage?

Not more than a thousand times.

The fact is, Durwood's job
is preventing Samantha

from attending Panda's wedding.

Panda's getting married?

[GROANS]

Who's the unlucky dude?

Never mind the critique.

Your job will be
to un-job Durwood,

so to speak.

It's people like you

who give witches a bad rep.

Thank you.

I dig cutting up
as much as the next cat,

but I think I dig Samantha more,

so find yourself another boy.

Perhaps...

Perhaps I could persuade you?

Never.

I happen to be
heavy in integrity.

But I happen to know
people in high places.

And one word from me

and you could find
yourself roasting

like a marshmallow
in an active volcano.

So much for my integrity.

All right, where do I find this
Durwood?

If Cushman buys these concepts
for his carpets,

we have a good chance of landing

all the other
Monticello products.

The fabrics, the plastics,

the wall paneling, everything.

Larry, do you know
when you talk about money,

your eyes light up?

Of course.
I'm a greedy person.

[LAUGHS]

Mr. Tate
Yes, Betty?

Excuse me for interrupting,

but there's a man
out in reception room,

and I can't seem
to get rid of him.

He's pretty weird.

Oh?

Well, relax, Betty.

[♪]

Well?

Very well, and you?

What is the idea of bringing
this bike into the office?

The idea is, I looked
around out front.

I'm not sure
this is a safe neighborhood.

Well, this office is not
a garage, so will you...

Which one of you is McMann?

Neither.

I'm Mr. Tate.
What is it you want?

I wanna see Mr. McMann.

His name comes first.

He's gotta be the honcho here.

I happen to be
the brightest copywriter

to ever set foot
on Madison Avenue.

Well, Mr. McMann
is chairman of the board.

Mr. Tate
is the president.

And as president, I'd advise you

to hop back on your cycle
and buzz off.

Tail of newt and eye of bat.

This is where the spell is at.

Even though it's what he'd hate.

Now all I say appeals to Tate.

Well, I'm gonna buzz off now,

but I thought
a man in your position

was interested in ideas.

We're perfectly capable

of coming up with our own ideas.

I was talking to Mr. Tate.

And I liked what
you were saying.

You know,
if you have some ideas,

of course I want to hear them.

But how did you happen
to pick McMann & Tate?

Because I've seen your ads,
Daddy.

[GRUNTS]

You need me.

[LAUGHS]

That is pretty insulting.

LARRY:
Darrin.

Let's not be rude to our guest.

Why don't we step
into our office, Mr...

My name's Alonzo.

Alonzo.

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

Now, don't you let anybody
steal my chopper.

[WHOOPS]

Right on!

Come in, sit down.

Put it right there.

Alonzo,

I would like to point out to you

that McMann & Tate

is a very successful
advertising agency.

And we don't need people
wandering in off the street

passing out advice.

Who is he?

[LAUGHS]

He's one of our top account
executives, Darrin Stephens.

Oh, man, what a bad scene.

What this agency needs

is to radically modify
its advertising concepts.

What you need is words
with inner meaning,

words that sing and are in tune
with universal vibrations.

Universal vibrations?

Words that sing.
Now, that grabs me.

Mr. Tate, I'm a philosopher
and a poet.

Words are my bag.

I can tune your advertising copy

to the rhythm that beats
through everybody

like a cosmic drum.

[GRUNTS]

Can you dig it?

I can, I can.

Well, I can't.
[SIGHS]

I mean this
in the nicest way possible,

but my approach
is only for people

with special sensitivities.

You know what I mean?

One of your shortcomings,
Darrin.

Oh, fine.

You two can enjoy
your sensitivity class.

I've got better things to do.

Alonzo, are you familiar
with Monticello Carpets?

Now, wait a minute, Larry.

We're all set
with our ideas for Monticello.

It can't hurt to hear

what this young man
has to offer.

As you pointed out, Darrin,

he just came in off the street

and that's exactly
who we're trying to reach.

The man in the street.

Mr. Tate,

I think you dig my philosophy.

I do, I do.

Well, let's see what I can
come up with for Monticello.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, Larry,

don't tell me you're going to
fall for this rubbish.

Darrin, it's not my fault

if you don't dig
the universal vibrations.

ALONZO [CHANTING]:
Om.

Beautiful.

Om.

He's got it.

I hope it's not contagious.

What are you doing?

"Om" is the sound

of the vibrations and motions

of the energy of nature
and the universe.

It helps me meditate.

On Monticello Carpets?

Om.

I've got it!

He's got it!

[♪]

Well, let's see it, Alonzo,
let's see it.

Now, I don't guarantee
you're gonna like it,

but all I can say is this is in
tune

with the human pulsations
of all mankind

and you're gonna feel it
throughout your whole being.

FLURPITY FLURP!

Flurpity Flurp?

[NASALLY]
I didn't say Flurpity Flurp.

I said FLURPITY FLURP!

Okay, Larry, now what
do you think of your...?

Bravo, bravo!

Well, I don't get it.

Why not? It's obvious.

I'm afraid the simplicity
of it's too much for him,

but that's all right,
I'll explain.

Flurpity Flurp
is the sound of bare feet

on a Monticello carpet.

Of course, of course.

It makes you think
of the silky softness

of a priceless
Comanche prayer rug.

It's like a poem.

Don't stop now, Alonzo.

See what else
you can come up with.

Right on.

Excuse me, I'm gonna plug in

to the universal energy.

Larry...

Shh!

[♪]

Om.

Om.

Larry, just because a guy
has a lot of hair

doesn't mean he's a genius.

And because he stands
on his head and says "Om"

doesn't mean he's a philosopher.

Believe me, there are deeper
thoughts in fortune cookies.

Darrin, I know you mean well,

and I realize that you feel

your position at McMann & Tate

is being threatened
by a talented newcomer.

But there is no...

I'm beginning to think

there is more to this newcomer

than meets the eye.

Excuse me,
I've gotta make a call.

SAMANTHA:
Hello?

Sam, your mother,

the Wicked Witch of the West,

has struck again.

What happened?

She sent some freak named Alonzo
in here

with a lot of weird ideas,

and apparently put a spell
on Larry

to love them all.

One thing you can say about
my mother:

She's a mother-in-law.

The one thing I can say
about your mother is censorable.

I'll get in touch with her
right away.

In the meantime, I'll try
and fight off this weirdo.

O-o-okay. Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

[♪]

Hummingbird and dragonfly wings.

Palm and Borrego Springs.

Timbuktu and Irish stew.

Wherever you are,
let's hear from you.

Mother!

Mom.

[GROANS]

Om.

Mr. Tate,
I've got it.

The absolute, ultimate,

the jewel in the bud
of the lotus.

Words that sing?

Not this time.

Now, you're gonna get
it right away, Mr. Tate,

but Mr. Stephens may need
a few words of preparation.

That's for sure.

Now, white is the symbol
of purity,

of flawlessness,
of transcendental beauty,

and I've tried to
tie this all in

with Monticello Carpets.

[♪]

A blank page?

That's where I start my ideas.

And then clutter them up?

What do you think, Mr. Tate?

Far out.

And how is anybody going to

identify this with the product?

Well, the card
isn't really blank.

[♪]

"Monticello Carpets."

Alonzo, we're going
to present these ideas

at the meeting this afternoon.

I'd better be there
with our backup ideas,

just in case Mr. Cushman
has an attack

of his usual good judgment.

He's very down, Mr. Tate.

Alonzo's right.

Maybe we'd better
handle this ourselves.

Darrin, have the Art Department
put a mat around this.

Uh, Larry, I am not
the office boy.

Not yet.

Larry, the ideas

that this weirdo
is coming up with are nothing.

A typical reactionary comment.

If you know so much,

maybe you should find yourself

a nice little empty office

and start your own agency.

I don't want to stand
in your way.

Larry, there's something
I wish I could tell you,

'cause I know it would
change your view, but I can't.

What is it?

I just told you.

Told me what?

That I can't tell you.

[SIGHS]

Darrin, why don't
you leave us alone?

Alonzo and I have work to do.

Right.

I think I'll go and have
a drink of lunch.

[♪]

[♪]

Hi.

Sam.

Larry told me I'd find you here.

What's more important is,
did you find your mother?

Well, she's sort of got
her phone off the hook.

Naturally, you didn't
get anyplace with Larry.

Nowhere.
And I have a good mind to quit.

Uh-uh, Darrin, don't do that.

I have a feeling that's exactly
what mother is up to.

What do you mean?

Well, if you're out of a job,

she figures that we can go
to Panda's wedding next weekend.

You're kidding.

If I know my mother...

Sam, what amazes me is that
a wonderful person like you

could have such a monster
for a mother.

I'll, uh, pretend
that was a compliment.

Exactly how did you leave things
with Larry?

He practically dared me
to open my own agency.

Why don't you?

No, that wouldn't be fair.

I mean, after all,
he is under a spell.

He's under a spell
to like Alonzo's ideas,

not to invite you to quit.

Yeah. And one low blow
deserves another.

What's more,
there is a vacant office

right across the hall
from McMann & Tate.

Terrific. Could you, uh,
use a little witchly help?

You know, Sam,

I think
maybe this is an occasion

where we could
bend the rules a bit.

[♪]

Now, uh, for your sign.

Something distinguished,
but not too small.

Mm.
Uh... mm.

Incidentally,
that's 24-karat gold.

But if you prefer platinum,
I think...

Ah-ah-ah.
Don't tamper with perfection.

Hi, Larry.

Oh, hello, Sam.
Darrin.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping Darrin decorate.

LARRY:
What's that?

That's a sign, Larry.

I know it's a sign.

But what's it doing there?

Well, Larry you're the one who
suggested I open my own office.

I didn't say for you to open it
right across the hall.

I thought I might get
some of your, uh, overflow.

Well, that's very unethical.

How did you get it done so fast?

Darrin's a fast worker.

I ought to know.

I don't think you'll be able to

transact much business
in an empty office.

Impossible.

How long have you been
planning this?

Well, we've only been
working on it 20 minutes.

Nice, isn't it?

[LAUGHS]

Mr. Cushman. Heh.

Oh, hello,
Mr. Cushman.

Hello, Stephens.

Uh, Mr. Cushman, I...

May I present my wife, Samantha?

How do you do,
Mr. Cushman?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Uh, Mr. Cushman...
I've always admired

your husband's taste
in advertising,

and now I see

he shows the same good taste
in choosing a wife.

Well, that's very flattering.

But don't give him too much
credit.

I picked him.

Well, shall we...

Just a minute.

Is that something new?

Oh, yes.

In fact, I have some ideas

you might be interested
in after your meeting.

Shall we go in?
Fine.

Hope to see you again,
Mrs. Stevens.

Just flow over any time.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I guess I'd better see
if I can cancel out.

Alonzo's powers of persuasion.

Sam?

Right here, sweetheart.

See you later.

Mr. Cushman,
I want you to meet Alonzo,

a far-out young genius
who just joined the company.

Peace, baby.

I'm gonna lay it on you.

By applying

the philosophical concepts

of modern Zen to advertising,

those who see the ads
will feel a real compulsion

to buy the product.

In this case,
Monticello Carpets.

An enormously exciting approach.

Zen in advertising?

Well, this business is cracky.

[CHUCKLES] Who knows?

Ah, you start him off, Alonzo.

Let him have it.

Mr. Cushman, baby,

here are some words that sing.

Flurpity Flurp?

Those aren't even words.

As for singing,
they only hiccup a little.

It's the seductive sound

of bare feet on a carpet.

Groove on.

Pretty soon, you're gonna feel

the universal vibrations...

[WHOOPS]

And they gonna touch you.

Ow, that's hot.

Wait a minute. There's a witch
in here.

A witch?
What's this guy on?

I can sense it, I can feel it.

Oh, what a bummer.

Tail of newt and eye of bat.

Take the spell off this here cat

I'm gonna split.

This room has bad vibes.

Who dragged him in here?

Darrin.

It was Darrin who warned me
about him,

but I didn't listen.

Speaking of Darrin, I think
I'll just flow across the hall

and meet with him.

Uh, no, no, no,

I would hardly recommend Darrin.

I mean, I would
heartily recommend Darrin.

That's very generous of you.

Mr. Cushman, why go across
the hall and talk to Darrin,

when it's been me

who's been training him
all these years?

I mean, draining him.

I mean, most of his ideas
are mine anyway.

I mean, I make them mine.

Ah, the most humane thing
I can do for you now

is to leave.

[♪]

Flurpity Flurp!

[SOBBING]

How could I?

"Wall to wall love.
Monticello Carpets."

DARRIN: It's simple, has
a certain elegance,

and tells a story.

What do you think,
Mrs. Stephens?

Well, I'm prejudiced,
but I love it.

I think I do, too.

Stevens, you've got a deal.

Hey, great, Mr. Cushman.

[♪]

[♪]

Darrin.

About the new agency
and the, uh,

Monticello Carpet account.

Don't you think...?
Yeah.

But I'll let Larry stew a while
before I give in.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Sam.
Larry.

I was just on my way home
and I thought I'd drop in.

This isn't on your way home.

Darrin, Larry's
trying to make a gesture.

Well, I'm making one too.
Goodbye.

Come on in, Larry.

Here.

Oh, were you expecting me?

Well, we always keep an extra

for the drop-in trade.

Heh. I just wanted to say
that in spite of everything,

we can still be friends.

Oh, well, let's drink to that.

[SIGHS]

Of course, the office won't seem
the same without you.

We've had some great times,
Darrin.

We're both going to miss them.

Larry, are you asking Darrin
to come back?

No.

I just wanted him to know

that I still have
the highest regard for him.

How'd you do with Cushman?

Locked it up.

You sold him the ideas we had?

He loved them.

You ingrate.

Ingrate?

Right. You took advantage
of one little mistake.

A tiny error in judgment
on my part.

What do you mean?
Well, it's obvious.

Since I'm never wrong,

you very shrewdly waited
for the one inevitable moment

when I would make
that little slip

that proves
that nobody's perfect.

Then you cunningly
took advantage of it,

making it look like I fired you.

Would you like
to repeat that, Larry?

Not necessarily.

What hurts me is that
I recommended you to Cushman.

Heartily.

Well, I...
I think in that case, Darrin,

you should, uh,
forgive and forget.

But first,
let's have an understanding.

I want to do something
special for you.

Oh, that's not necessary.

I insist. Name it.

Uh, no.
I'll let you name it.

How does this sound?

McMann, Tate & Stephens.

It sounds great.

Well, one of these days,

if you keep out
of any future trouble,

that's the way
it's going to read.

Ciao.

[♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I thought you put a spell
on him.

I did.

Well, what happened
to McMann, Tate & Stephens?

I tried.

It just proves
that where Larry is concerned

even witchcraft has its limits.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]