Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 7, Episode 26 - Samantha's Magic Mirror - full transcript

[♪]

How about some coffee,
sweetheart?

Swell. Bring it in.
Uh-uh.

You've been at it all day.
Take a break.

Come on in the living room.

ESMERALDA:
Hello, Samantha.

Oh, hi. Hi there, Esmeralda.

Wherever you are.

Right here.

Boy, am I glad Larry's
taking this material.

If there's one thing
I don't need, it's...



Esmeralda.

Oh, dear.

Esmeralda, Mr. Stephens didn't
mean that the way it sounded.

You're perfectly welcome here.

I am?

Yes.

And you can stay
until Mr. Tate gets here.

When is he coming?
Any second.

You see?
He doesn't... Doesn't...

[SNEEZES]

You really ought to do
something about that cold.

It isn't a cold.
It's a sign of nervousness.

And it's involuntary,
like the hiccups.

Well, I'm glad
it's nothing serious.



You see?
Nothing I do lasts.

Even my failures are failures.

Let's face it,
I'm a rotten witch.

Mm-hm.

Darrin, why don't you
go finish your work?

Gladly.

Come on.

[GROANS]

You, uh, seem a little upset.

Is anything wrong?
Everything.

Do you remember
my old boyfriend, Ferdy?

Uh-huh.
Well, he wants to see me again.

But just wait until he finds out
that my witchcraft is kaput.

Oh, I'm scared to death.
Why?

It's been over 400 years
since I dated him,

and, well, I've aged
a little since then.

Nonsense, Esmeralda.
You don't look a century older.

Samantha, do you suppose
you could do something

to make me younger
and more attractive?

What'd you have in mind?
A little plastic sorcery?

[GIGGLES]

Huh?

Never mind.

Believe me, Esmeralda,

there is nothing wrong
with your looks.

Maybe. But there's
nothing right either.

Oh, well.

I don't have to see Ferdy again.

Even though it's probably
my last chance to find happiness

and have a home of my own.

I'll just struggle along
somehow.

Maybe I should turn myself
into something inanimate,

like a plant.

Then all I'd have to do is sit
in my pot and look pretty.

Now, Esmeralda...
Oh, I wouldn't mind.

Especially if you'd let me
stay here.

I wouldn't get in the way.

And you'd only have to water me
now and then.

I am not going to sit here

and listen to any more nonsense.

If I was a cactus,

you wouldn't have
to water me at all.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh.
That must be Larry.

[♪]

Sam, if you don't mind...

Come on, Esmeralda.

Let's go upstairs and have
a little witch-to-witch talk.

[ESMERALDA GROANS]

[SNEEZES]

Hi, Larry. How are you?
Terrible, thanks.

Louise has been hassling me
all afternoon about...

What's that?

W-w-what's what?

Don't tell me you don't see
the little elephant

standing over there.

How little?
What?

Now it's gone.

That argument with Louise
must have affected you

more than you think.

Yeah.

Sam,

what have you got
for a headache?

Aw. You have a headache?

No, but I'm expecting one
any second.

[♪]

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Why are you doing that?

Because I am going
to give you the works.

And I don't want you
to look until I'm through.

I-I'm talking about the things
that mortal women do

to look their best.

Do you think mortal methods
will work in my case?

It won't hurt.

These layouts are great.

I doubt if I'll have to be
in Chicago more than a day.

Well, thanks.
I'll walk you to your car.

Who said I was leaving?
Oh.

After that blowup with Louise
I packed my bag

I'm going straight from here
to the airport.

When's your plane?
Eight o'clock tonight.

What are you gonna do
until then?

I thought I'd just
hang around here,

if it's all right with you.

Why not?

Just want Louise
to know where I am

in case she feels the need
for another argument.

Busy.

Wouldn't you know it?

Why don't you
go home and tell her?

Go home and tell her I'm here?

Sweetheart, can you
tear yourself away for a second?

Sure.

Larry's gonna be here
until his plane leaves tonight,

so you'd better unload Esmeralda

before she sneezes up
another disaster.

I'm trying to do that.

How?
By improving her appearance.

I've given her a new hairdo,

and I've done a lot
of work on her makeup.

Oh. How does she look?

Like Esmeralda with
a new hairdo and makeup.

What she really needs
is a shot of confidence.

Come on up and tell her
how great she looks.

Anything to please you
and get rid of her.

Don't forget to tell her

how sensational she looks
in the dress.

Okay, okay.

Oh, excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.

I didn't know you had company.

Uh. How do you do? I'm Darrin
Stephens. What's your name?

Oh, stop that.

Who do you remind me of?

I know.
Elizabeth Taylor.

No. But that's close.

Oh, my goodness.

That hairdo
is absolutely terrific.

That's enough.

And you look sensational
in that dress.

This is a bathrobe.

But if you look
that sensational in a bathrobe,

you've really got it made.

That first dress was too tight.

But now I'm going
to put the other one on.

And then can I look
in the mirror?

Sure.

[♪]

What was that about the mirror?
Well, I covered it

and made her promise
not to look until I was through.

Terrific. What's gonna happen
when she asks the mirror:

"Who's the fairest one of all"
and the mirror tells her?

I-I may have to give the mirror
a little shot of confidence too.

Do whatever you want.
I better get back to Larry.

Why, I'm beautiful.

Is that really me?

Yes. Hard to believe,
isn't it?

I just can't get over
the effect.

It's absolutely amazing.

Do you really like it?
I love it.

And you really didn't
have to do too much, did you?

No, just a little touch
here and there.

Oh. I can't wait
for Ferdy to see me.

[♪]

And you're going to tell me

she's not staying
on that phone just to annoy me?

Larry, instead of staying
around here and stewing,

why don't we go to the range and
hit a bucket of balls?

Are you kidding?
I played 18 holes this morning.

That's why Louise was upset.

She felt that since
I was going away tonight,

I ought to skip golf
and spend the time with her.

How's that for
an unreasonable demand?

What's unreasonable about it?

Why do you think I play golf?

For my health, right?
Does she care about my health?

Obviously not.

SAMANTHA: Darrin?
Excuse me.

[♪]

What now?

I think I may have gone
a little too far with Esmeralda.

In what way?

Judge for yourself.

[♪]

There you are, you lovely man.

If he weren't yours, Samantha,

I'd do my best to steal him.

Sam,
are you sure all you gave her

was a shot of confidence?

I told you

I was going
to punch up the mirrors.

Oh, before I forget,
I just got in touch with Ferdy.

I'm meeting him in half an hour.

Oh, good.

That's the best news
I've had all day.

Where are you meeting him?
Here, if it's okay.

What?
Here?

Something tells me
it's not okay.

Esmeralda,
let me put it this way:

For once,
you're absolutely right.

Sweetheart, don't upset her.
She'll go to pieces.

We can't let her entertain
some weirdo while Larry's here.

Can't you get rid of him?
Only if I burn the house down.

Sweetheart, you have no idea

how important
this is to Esmeralda.

To put it in her own words,

this may be her last chance
to find a home of her own.

And if she does,

she won't be around here
so often.

I'll take another
crack at Larry.

Oh, Larry, if you don't feel
like hitting some golf balls,

uh, how about going bowling?

I gave up bowling when I hurt
my back, remember? Oh, Sam...

Larry, you know Esmeralda,
don't you?

Oh, sure. How are you?
How nice to see you again.

How have you been?

Fine.

You're certainly looking
very well.

Thanks. You are too.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Isn't he sweet?
Very sweet.

I hope you're all having fun.

No, but would you like to?

Like to what?
Have some fun.

What?

Are you married?

Very. Ha-ha. I mean, yes.

Darrin, I-i-isn't it
about time we left?

Where are we going?

What kind of a memory
have you got?

You said you wanted to hit
some golf balls or go bowling.

Anything.
Oh, right.

Goodbye, Sam. Esmeralda.
Bye, Sam. Esmeralda.

[♪]

Well, Esmeralda,
the coast is clear.

Everything's set.
Yes, except for one thing.

What's that?
My witchcraft.

What if I get nervous

and sneeze up a rhinoceros
or something?

Don't worry about it.

He'll be so dazzled
by your beauty,

he won't notice anything else.

Esmeralda, the stage is yours.

And have I got a terrible case
of stage fright.

[♪]

Well, so what if you've already
finished a bucket of balls?

Buy another one.

No, you can't come home now.

Her boyfriend just
arrived this second.

Well, call me in half an hour.

I'll tell you what's going on.
Goodbye.

Oh, Ferdy, it's such a joy

to see you again
after all these years.

How have you been?
Oh, fine. Just fine.

ESMERALDA: We did have
some gay, mad times,

did we not?

You know something, Esmeralda?
You've changed.

[ESMERALDA GIGGLES]

Do you really think so?
Yes.

You're more, uh...

Oh, I don't know.
More poised and gayer.

You don't notice anything else?
What do you mean?

How about the way I look?
Well...

Well?

Can I fix you a drink?

Oh, yes, please.
Scotch on the rocks.

Scotch on the rocks, coming up.

Where are you going?
To make you a drink.

Make it? Heh. Well,
why don't you just zap it up?

Why don't I just zap...? Why...?

Oh, yeah.
Well, how silly of me. Yes.

Scotch on the rocks,
did you say?

[LAUGHING]

SAMANTHA:
Oh, Esmeralda.

Oh, that is hilarious.
Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, she has a terrific
sense of humour, hasn't she?

Definitely. Oh, Esmeralda,
you are priceless.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well,
that's a Scotchman for you.

You mentioned "priceless,"
a-and he lost interest. Ha-ha!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's too much.

And now, Esmeralda,
I really could use that drink.

Well, here you are.

Thank you.

Mmm.

You mind if I smoke?

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I really have to get
dinner started.

I cook by mortal methods.

Oh, really?
Isn't that kind of messy?

Yes, but it's more fun.

Samantha, there's something
I have to ask you.

I'll be right back, Ferdy.

[KNOCKING]

Okay if I go now, Uncle Ferdy?
Are you mad? Of course not.

Now, you promised to stand by
and protect me.

You realise I almost missed
lighting that cigar.

How come?
You had your back to me.

You better watch it.
No, you watch it.

Or else this reunion
is gonna turn into a disaster.

What's the difference?
Sooner or later she'll find out

your witchcraft is shot.
It is not shot.

It just needs a little assist.

The situation really
isn't as bad as it seems.

Usually, when you get nervous,
you sneeze or fade out,

and you haven't done either.

That's only because
I'm too scared to be nervous.

Samantha, I will not
go back in there again

unless you promise
to keep helping me.

Please.
All right, all right.

Samantha, how come Ferdy hasn't
noticed how different I look?

Uh, well,

that's because when you look
into the mirror,

you see the image
that you project.

And when that happens,

your reflection casts back
your inner glow,

and your charisma
comes to the fore.

Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder, isn't it?

Isn't it?
Yes.

Do you understand?
No.

Well, y-you just go on acting
beautiful and feeling beautiful,

and I'll take care of the rest.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

[♪]

Oh, Esmeralda, I just realized
how neglectful I've been.

Why, I completely forgot
to bring you flowers.

Now, let me see.

As I remember, uh,

roses were your favourite.

Oh.

What's wrong?
Oh. Oh, nothing.

After all, what are roses
without thorns?

Oh.

I think I'll join you
in that drink.

Well,
you better get one of your own,

because I don't think
we can both fit into this one.

[LAUGHS]

I think I'll have a margarita.

Hey, Mac.

What are you doing there?

What is it?
Uh, nothing. Not a thing.

Let's drive down
to Mulvaney's Bar.

We didn't get a call
to go there.

Maybe you didn't,
but I just did.

[♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart.

No, I-I, uh,

I can't talk too long.

Because the extension cord's
not long enough.

Sam, I don't know
what you're talking about,

and I know better than to ask.

[LAUGHING]

Would you care
for something to eat?

Oh, that would be nice.

How about some, uh,
smoked salmon, huh?

One smoked salmon, coming up.

Oh, dear.

Darrin, I cannot leave Esmeralda

unattended like this.

Samantha,
don't you dare hang up.

Oh, I don't know how
that could've... Could've...

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

[BARKS] Gesundheit.

Oh.

Oh, Ferdy, there's something
I've got to tell you.

Oh, dear.
Samantha's pearls.

Ferdy, I am so nervous.

Would you put them back
the way they were?

Oh, why, of course, my dear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Pearls, back the way you were.

Oysters?

Oh, Ferdy, I didn't mean
to go that far back.

Esmeralda, now that
you've brought it up,

there's something
I have to tell you too.

Darrin, I have got to go,

or Esmeralda's gonna be
in a lot of trouble.

Sam, Larry's insisting
we go back to the house.

He wants to pick up
the portfolio

and get to the airport.

Uh-oh. Where'd he go?

Uh, the fella you came with?

Uh, he said he was
tired of waiting

and he would see you at
your house. He flagged a cab.

What? Oh, thanks.

Sam, Larry's on his way
over there right now.

Get those two oddballs
out of there, quick.

Aye, aye, sir.

[♪]

Oh, E-Esmeralda,
I'm sorry to...

Oh, Samantha,
wait till you hear this.

Ferdy's powers aren't
in any better shape than mine.

Oh, which reminds me,
here are your pearls back.

I'm afraid that was my doing.

I tell you,
I was a nervous wreck

for fear that she'd find out,

but as it turned out,
she's a wreck too.

What a relief.
Ha-ha-ha!

I'm glad. Now, I hope you two
won't misunderstand, but...

Congratulate us.
We're engaged.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now, what can I give you
for a present?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I know, a trip.
Starting right now.

Well, goodbye and good luck.
Samantha, wait.

Well, I-I can't.
B-but what is it?

There are a few things
in the living room

we couldn't get rid of.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

What kind of things?

Well, two seals.

And a smoking salmon.

Oh, my stars.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I don't see anything.
Well, they're gone.

That's one advantage
of being a failure.

Larry, wait.

Would you like me
to work on your pearls?

Oh, no. Uh, never mind.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

But you simply must go now.

Would you like me to give you
a little booster shot?

Thanks, but together,
I think we can make it.

What was that?

Hi, sweetheart.
What was what?

There were two people standing
there. Esmeralda and a man.

Then they faded away.

Oh, Larry.

You need a rest.

You and Louise
should take a little vacation.

You mean from each other?

That's a perfect example
of why this is happening to you.

It is.
It's a perfect example.

In what way?
In what way?

It's your whole attitude
toward Louise.

When you don't respect someone,

when you treat them
as if they don't exist,

they just disappear
from your consciousness.

They... They fade away.

Follow me?

No.

[♪]

[RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Louise. Yes, he's here.

Oh, you don't say.

Uh, Larry, it's Louise.

I wonder how Miss AT&T managed
to squeeze me into her schedule.

What Louise just told me

is gonna make you feel
pretty foolish.

The line's been out of order
all day.

Sure, with the way
she stays glued to the phone.

If I were you,
I'd take her to Chicago with me.

You're right. And I will.

Hello, teddy bear.

What do you mean,
where have I been all day?

Most of it I've spent
trying to call you.

But never mind that.

How would you like
to pack your toothbrush

and your chin strap
and come to Chicago?

Honey, I was just kidding.

What are you getting
so uptight about?

Sam and Darrin know
you don't use a chin strap.

It was a joke.

All right,
so you don't think it's funny.

How about going to Chicago?

What kind of an attitude
is that?

She refuses to go.

I am not persecuting you.

It's all in your imagination.

But... But...

But...

[♪]

[♪]