Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 7, Episode 24 - Out of the Mouths of Babes - full transcript
Endora turns Darrin into a young boy.
[♪]
Feet apart...
toes in...
knees together...
legs bent...
elbows wide...
and head over the ball.
How do I look?
Like an accident victim
about to putt a ball.
[♪]
Now, how do I look?
Like a man who's gonna
break par today.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come in.
Hi, Sam. Darrin.
Hi, Larry.
Larry.
[SIGHS]
That's a new putter, huh?
Yeah.
That's a lovely putter.
Anything wrong, Larry?
It's Mother Flanagan.
Who's she?
She's not a she.
She's an Irish stew,
and she's a he.
It just hurts me here...
Okay, Larry.
Let me have it.
Certainly.
That's why I brought it.
For inspiration.
Uh, let me warn you, Larry.
Uh, this putter also doubles
as a deadly weapon.
It's hard to talk sensibly
to a man who's about to mug you.
So I'll fill you in, Sam.
Mother Flanagan is leaving
Sloan and Sloan Advertising
and thinking of coming with us.
Only thinking, mind you.
Do you follow me so far?
Mm-hm.
Oh, don't follow him, Sam.
He's leading you into a trap.
And it isn't a sand trap.
Well, Mother Flanagan
was supposed to be in
a week from Monday, but...
But he's not coming in
a week from Monday.
He's coming in tomorrow.
And all the work that Darrin
was supposed to do next week,
you want him to do today, right?
That's a brilliant
summation, Sam.
Larry, you have a heart
the size of an overgrown pea.
[CHUCKLING]
May I?
Mm. Lovely
balance.
Mind if I borrow it?
Yes.
Thank you.
You mean y... You're
not gonna work
on the Flanagan ideas with me?
Of course I'm going to
work on them,
but you think better sitting...
and I think better walking.
I'll be back right
after my walk,
and we'll compare scores.
Notes.
Ha-ha.
[HUMMING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
I hope it pours.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
The craziest thing
just happened.
There was one lousy cloud
in the sky,
and wham.
[♪]
[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
How you doing?
Terrible.
Every time I get close
to an idea,
all I can see is Larry
out on that golf course.
Well, forget
about him. Concentrate.
Try thinking music.
A musical campaign.
A jingle. Something
cute. Like, uh:
♪ If it's for Irish stew
You're carin' ♪
♪ You don't have to go To Erin ♪
♪ Ask for Mother Flanagan ♪
♪ And you'll buy
Can and can again ♪
[GIGGLES]
Well, what do you want,
good lyrics or good taste?
Hello, darling.
Good morning, Mother.
Darwin.
Terrific. This is
going to help a lot.
Typhoon Mary just blew in.
Darrin.
Not to see you, Durwood.
I expected you to be out
on the golf course
hitting home runs
or shooting pucks,
or whatever it is you do.
TABITHA:
Grandmama.
Oh. There's
my little princess.
Hi, Grandmama.
Grandmama has a delicious
surprise for you.
Oh, goody.
Heh.
Well, it will be if certain
mortals don't spoil it.
[♪]
That depends on what
certain witches have in mind.
Oh, Samantha.
Oh, what was the happiest day
in your life?
The day I married Darrin.
I don't mean "insanely" happy.
I mean just "happy" happy.
Well, I've had a lot
of those days.
Do you remember
the Unicorn Handicap?
The Unicorn Handicap?
Yes, it's... It's just like
the Kentucky Derby,
only with unicorns.
Well, they're off and running,
and Grandmama wants to take you.
Forget it.
Tabitha's not going anywhere,
except maybe to the park
to play mortal games.
Mother, I hope you understand.
You too, sweetheart.
I understand he's behaving
like a petulant little boy.
You may think so, Endora,
but the truth is.
I happen to be the head
of this household.
And I'm man enough
to stand up to you.
I doubt it.
Don't, Darrin.
[MAGIC CHIMES]
Stop, Mother!
Too late.
Now your appearance has
caught up with your mentality.
[GIGGLES]
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE] Sam.
Uh, Tabitha.
Would you mind going outside
and waiting for the mailman?
Oh, gee.
I miss all the fun.
Tabitha.
Okay, Daddy.
[♪]
Mother.
Mm.
You change him back
the way he was.
[DOOR CLOSES]
In due time, darling.
When he's ready to apologize.
In the meantime...
I suggest he see a tailor.
Sam. Do something.
Don't just stand there.
Well, you know I can't
undo Mother's spells.
Oh, sorry. So stupid
of me to forget.
[GIGGLING]
Uh... however, I, um...
I-I can substitute for
your friendly tailor.
Sweetheart, try to stay calm.
Calm? I've just been stunted
out of 30 years' growth.
Now, how do you
expect me to be calm?
Get your mother back.
Well, I'll try.
But it might be easier
if you'd apologize.
Apologize? For what?
For daring to stand up to her?
For having a difference
of opinion?
You're hardly in a position
to debate the issue.
The door was open,
and, uh, heh...
[DOOR CLOSES]
Sam, Darrin's putter
worked like magic.
Hi there.
Um, thi... This is
Darrin's nephew.
Darrin's nephew,
this is Mr. Tate.
Hello there, Darrin's nephew.
Does he have a name?
His name is, uh...
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Marvin.
Peter. Uh, Marvin.
Peter!
It's Marvin Peter.
And I also have
a last name: Stephens.
Well, Marvin Peter,
you look a lot like
your Uncle Darrin.
By the way, where is Darrin?
Oh, well, he was up to his hips
in Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew
until a few minutes ago.
Uh, he... He just ran down
to the nursery
uh, to get a few things
for the garden.
Well, then I'll just hang around
till he gets back.
I've got a couple of ideas
for the Flanagan account
I wanna throw at him.
Well, uh, Larry, the thing is
he could be gone for hours.
Well, it's either here,
or going home
and listening to Louise and
her string quartet murder Bach.
I'll leave when they leave.
Which should be
around 5:30.
[DOOR OPENS]
Here's the mail, Mommy.
Oh, uh, thank you, sweetheart.
Auntie Samantha,
could Tabitha and I
go out and play in the park?
I can't think of a better idea.
Boy, this is gonna be fun.
Yes. Now, uh,
e-enjoy yourself, kids.
Okay, auntie.
Marvin has a problem
with his voice, doesn't he?
Yeah, well...
uh, h-he's at that
awkward age.
Larry, fix yourself
a drink, will you?
I have something urgent
I have to take care of
in the kitchen.
[♪]
Boil and bubble Toil and trouble.
Mother, get here On the double.
"Not until I get
an apology from Durwood."
Ooh!
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE] Sweetheart.
Is the coast clear?
Sure, come on in. Larry left
about 15 minutes ago.
Boy, we had so much fun.
I mean, Daddy played
basketball with the boys,
and they made him captain.
He was better than
almost anybody.
Well.
Why not? I was the only
kid on the team
who was an all-star forward
at Missouri State.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Uh, Tabitha,
why don't you run up
and get ready for dinner?
Okay.
[♪]
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Herbie. I thought
I told you to get lost.
Can't get lost.
I live down the block.
Hi.
SAMANTHA:
Hello.
Boy, something smells good.
Well, I'm sure
your parents will have
a lovely dinner for you.
Nah. On Saturdays
we usually
have roast duck or lobster
or Cornish hen,
or some dumb thing like that.
Well, this is even dumber.
It's Irish stew.
Mother Flanagan's Stew?
How come?
Well, I was so busy
with the incan...
Uh, I-I mean,
trying to reach Mother,
that I forgot to take the roast
out of the freezer.
So it's Mother Flanagan
to the rescue.
Wow. Sure gives
a guy an appetite.
Uh, it's a little early
for dinner.
Not for me.
I usually eat early.
Uh...
would you like some, Herbie?
Would I?
Okay, sit down.
You boys can have
an early dinner,
and then it's home
for you, Herbie.
You'd have been proud
of Marvin, ma'am.
I bet you when he grows up,
he's gonna be a basketball star.
The reason I followed you home
is we're playing
the Blackhawks tomorrow.
We sure could use you.
I told you, Herbie.
I won't be able
to play tomorrow.
He, uh... He has
homework.
Gee. We really need him.
Because without you,
we don't stand a chance
against the Blackhawks.
Sorry, Herbie. No chance.
Would you consider
some player incentive?
How about 50 cents? My daddy
is loaded, and maybe...
SAMANTHA: Ah, here
you are, Herbie.
You know...
I've never had
Irish stew in my whole life.
[♪]
Now I know why.
Y-you mean,
you don't like it?
I guess it takes
getting used to.
If I had more time,
I'd get used to it.
But my folks will get worried
if I don't get home soon.
Thanks. I'll be checking
with you tomorrow
about playing, Marvin.
[♪]
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE]
The kid's right. It's blech.
Now, what about your mother?
All you have to do is apologize.
Endora, I'm sorry.
I'm contrite.
I'm apologizing.
I'm even grateful.
ENDORA:
You mustn't overdo.
[ENDORA LAUGHS]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Ta-ta.
What do you mean,
you're "even grateful"?
I mean, if she hadn't
turned me into a kid,
I wouldn't have met Herbie.
And if I hadn't met Herbie,
I wouldn't have realized
the problem isn't advertising.
It's taste. It's
as simple as that.
Which means now I have
even a bigger problem.
What's that?
Convincing Larry to give up
a quarter of a million dollars
in commission.
Well, that shouldn't
be difficult.
No?
No. Just invite
him over to taste it.
You think that'll do it?
No question about it.
Ooh.
[♪]
You mean, it doesn't
taste good to you.
And it may not
taste good to me...
but that's because our palates
have been spoiled
by expensive food.
We can't appreciate...
the humble Irish stew.
The word is "horrible."
That's your opinion.
Well, our job is
to convince the public
that they like
Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew,
whether they like it or not.
Larry, don't you think you're
being a little hypocritical?
I call it compassionate.
The Mother Flanagan people
think their stew is yummy,
and I'm not the one to break
their hearts with the truth.
Well, Larry, have you ever
heard of integrity?
Yes.
And, Darrin, I didn't become
the president of McMann & Tate
without bending
my integrity occasionally.
And this is one of
those "occasionallys."
So when Flanagan
comes here tomorrow,
see that you have
some mouthwatering ideas.
Is there any bicarb
in the house?
[♪]
Okay. Sock it to me.
I've been up most of the night
nursing a sick Mother Flanagan,
and just a moment ago,
I think I came up with
the right medicine.
Oh?
Which is the following:
We tell the truth
about the product.
Don't be ridiculous.
DARRIN: No, no, no, no.
Hear me out.
The idea is
integrity with humor.
Well, for instance:
Uh, "Mother Flanagan's Stew
may not be a gourmet treat,
but at least
it's nourishing."
I don't know, Darrin.
Okay, how about this?
"You can say this for
Mother Flanagan Irish Stew:
Even if you don't like it,
all you've blown is 59 cents."
And the account.
Darrin, you must be
out of your tree.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
And that's probably him.
Now, let's hear
some positive ideas.
Mr. Flanagan. Welcome.
Hello, Tate.
Ha, ha, ha!
Uh, Samantha, Darrin.
May I present...
Sean Flanagan's the name.
Irish stew is me game.
How do you do?
How do you do?
I'm sorry to intrude
on your sacred Sunday.
Not at all,
Mr. Flanagan.
At McMann & Tate,
Sunday is just the day
before Monday.
Ah, cut out the blarney, Tate.
If I wasn't so rich
and you weren't so greedy,
you'd tell me to go
to the devil.
Couldn't be helped.
Could we get started?
I have to catch
a plane for Dublin.
Uh, before you get started,
how about a wee nip
of Irish whiskey?
Good idea,
Mrs. Stephens. Ha-ha.
Would you help me
get out the ice?
Uh, sure.
[♪]
Darrin, I have an idea.
Oh, I certainly hope so.
Why not let Marvin tell
Mr. Flanagan the truth?
Sam, you're not suggesting
I go through
that kid routine again?
Think of it this way:
You won't have to bend
your integrity.
You just have to...
shrink it a little.
Besides, Mr. Flanagan has to
catch a plane for Dublin.
[SIGHS]
Okay, Sam. Zap away.
Okay, kid.
Do your stuff.
[CHUCKLING]
Where's Darrin?
Oh, the pilot's out
in the stove. He's fixing it.
I'll have mine
on the rocks, Tate.
Uh, right.
Uh, right.
Uh, this is my nephew, Marvin.
Marvin, you know
Mr. Tate.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hello, Mr. Tate, sir.
How are you, Marvin?
And this is
Mr. Flanagan.
And a top of the morning
to you too, Mr. Finnegan.
No, sweetheart,
that's "Flanagan."
As in Mother Flanagan's
Irish Stew.
Oh, her.
What do you mean, "Oh, her,"
young fella?
Nothing, sir.
Have you ever tasted
Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew?
Do I have to answer that,
Auntie Samantha?
Of course not, darling.
You can run out and play.
Uh, no, no. You stay
right where you are.
Have you ever tasted it?
Yes, sir, I have.
Ah. And, uh,
how did you like it?
I'm a Boy Scout, sir,
and I cannot tell a lie.
Please don't ask me
that question.
You can go now, Marvin.
No, no, no. You stay.
I want an answer.
The answer is that I tasted it,
and I didn't care for it
very much, sir.
[LARRY CHUCKLES]
There are a lot of
radical subversives
infiltrating the Boy Scouts,
and, uh...
Sam, would you please
get Darrin?
Of course.
[♪]
That kid has a weird voice.
He's at that awkward age.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thanks, honey.
Good. Now we can
get down to business.
Yeah, well, where's that kid?
I wanna talk to him again.
I'll get him.
He wants Marvin again.
So if you don't mind, Sam,
once more with feeling.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
You asked to see me, sir?
Yes, I did.
Now, come here.
Why didn't you like the stew?
Because it didn't
taste very good.
Ha-ha. What would
a little kid know? Ha.
It's only my opinion, sir.
The kid's a finicky eater.
Oh, no, Mr. Tate, sir.
I eat everything
that is set before me.
But I couldn't finish the stew.
Scout's honor.
Naturally. The exotic seasoning
is not for a child's taste.
Oh, shut up, Tate.
Why can't we be
as honest as this lad?
That stew is based on me sainted
mother's secret recipe.
But listening to this lad
has brought back memories
of meself as a child.
I remember I hated that stew.
And as I grew up,
I must have been
brainwashed into liking it.
The truth is the stew
was lousy then,
and it's lousy now.
Uh, Marvin, could I see you
for a minute?
Coming, auntie.
[♪]
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE] It worked.
I heard.
Now put me back.
I'm beginning to
feel like a yo-yo.
Mr. Flanagan?
Mr. Flanagan?
Huh?
Is anything wrong,
Mr. Flanagan?
Wrong? No, no,
no, no.
I was... I was just thinking
about all those warehouses
all over the country full of.
Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew,
just sitting there,
rotting away.
It doesn't have to just
sit there, rotting away.
It doesn't?
Uh, Mother Flanagan's Stew
sells for 59 cents a can, right?
Right.
How much of that is profit?
Ah, well, uh, with, uh,
shipping and delivery,
we probably eke out
1 or 2 cents a can profit.
The truth, Mr. Flanagan.
The truth?
Well, uh...
The truth is we...
make about 30 cents
a can profit.
Why did I say that?
Don't worry.
It'll be our secret.
Okay. Now, suppose
you lower the price
from 59 cents a can
to 39 cents a can.
You'd still make a profit
of 10 cents a can, right?
There wouldn't be enough
buyers at any price.
There would be...
if Mr. Flanagan
will make
one small change
in the packaging.
Hm?
What's that?
All you have to do
is change the labels
from "Mother Flanagan's
Irish Stew..."
to "Mother Flanagan's...
Doggy Stew."
Sam!
Ha! She's joking,
of course.
No, no, no, wait.
I think Mrs. Stephens
might have something here.
A brilliant idea.
And think of the possibilities.
Do you know
how many dogs there are
in the United States?
Millions.
Why, those warehouses
will be empty in no time.
And how's this for
a TV commercial?
A pair of hands empties a can
of Mother Flanagan's
Doggy Stew into a dish.
Uh, a beautiful Irish setter
lopes into the shot
and gulps it down hungrily.
The... The TV announcer's
voice comes in...
"If it's good enough for
the champion, Erin O'Cork,
it's good enough
for your pup."
And it's only 39 cents a can.
[CHUCKLES]
Mother may never forgive me,
but I think I've
saved the business.
[ALL LAUGH]
[♪]
[♪]
Do you realize we got
rid of Flanagan
in less than an hour?
And I've still got time
for 18 holes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Larry.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
You must be Marvin's uncle.
Yeah?
Oh. Yeah.
Is he ready?
For what?
Isn't Marvin coming to
play basketball with us?
Gee, uh, I-I
don't know.
It figures.
He's sore at me
'cause I was rude.
Rude?
My mother said I was
when I told her about
not eating the stew.
Herbie, you were honest.
Uh, I think that kind of honesty
should be rewarded.
Don't you, sweetheart?
Please let Marvin play.
We're playing the Blackhawks,
and they're a bunch of bullies.
We won't have a chance
without Marvin.
You got yourself
a basketball player.
I'll get him.
[♪]
I'm getting him, Sam!
I got him.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hi.
Hi.
Come on, let's go.
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE]
Bye, Auntie Samantha.
Hi, Sam.
Where's Darrin?
Oh, uh, he had
a previous engagement.
But we had a date for golf.
Well, he... He had a previous
date for basketball.
I don't get it.
He could have called me.
It's the least he...
Basketball?
He's gone off
to play basketball?
At his age?
Larry...
there are some times
when he's a lot younger
than you think.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
[♪]
Feet apart...
toes in...
knees together...
legs bent...
elbows wide...
and head over the ball.
How do I look?
Like an accident victim
about to putt a ball.
[♪]
Now, how do I look?
Like a man who's gonna
break par today.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come in.
Hi, Sam. Darrin.
Hi, Larry.
Larry.
[SIGHS]
That's a new putter, huh?
Yeah.
That's a lovely putter.
Anything wrong, Larry?
It's Mother Flanagan.
Who's she?
She's not a she.
She's an Irish stew,
and she's a he.
It just hurts me here...
Okay, Larry.
Let me have it.
Certainly.
That's why I brought it.
For inspiration.
Uh, let me warn you, Larry.
Uh, this putter also doubles
as a deadly weapon.
It's hard to talk sensibly
to a man who's about to mug you.
So I'll fill you in, Sam.
Mother Flanagan is leaving
Sloan and Sloan Advertising
and thinking of coming with us.
Only thinking, mind you.
Do you follow me so far?
Mm-hm.
Oh, don't follow him, Sam.
He's leading you into a trap.
And it isn't a sand trap.
Well, Mother Flanagan
was supposed to be in
a week from Monday, but...
But he's not coming in
a week from Monday.
He's coming in tomorrow.
And all the work that Darrin
was supposed to do next week,
you want him to do today, right?
That's a brilliant
summation, Sam.
Larry, you have a heart
the size of an overgrown pea.
[CHUCKLING]
May I?
Mm. Lovely
balance.
Mind if I borrow it?
Yes.
Thank you.
You mean y... You're
not gonna work
on the Flanagan ideas with me?
Of course I'm going to
work on them,
but you think better sitting...
and I think better walking.
I'll be back right
after my walk,
and we'll compare scores.
Notes.
Ha-ha.
[HUMMING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
I hope it pours.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
The craziest thing
just happened.
There was one lousy cloud
in the sky,
and wham.
[♪]
[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
How you doing?
Terrible.
Every time I get close
to an idea,
all I can see is Larry
out on that golf course.
Well, forget
about him. Concentrate.
Try thinking music.
A musical campaign.
A jingle. Something
cute. Like, uh:
♪ If it's for Irish stew
You're carin' ♪
♪ You don't have to go To Erin ♪
♪ Ask for Mother Flanagan ♪
♪ And you'll buy
Can and can again ♪
[GIGGLES]
Well, what do you want,
good lyrics or good taste?
Hello, darling.
Good morning, Mother.
Darwin.
Terrific. This is
going to help a lot.
Typhoon Mary just blew in.
Darrin.
Not to see you, Durwood.
I expected you to be out
on the golf course
hitting home runs
or shooting pucks,
or whatever it is you do.
TABITHA:
Grandmama.
Oh. There's
my little princess.
Hi, Grandmama.
Grandmama has a delicious
surprise for you.
Oh, goody.
Heh.
Well, it will be if certain
mortals don't spoil it.
[♪]
That depends on what
certain witches have in mind.
Oh, Samantha.
Oh, what was the happiest day
in your life?
The day I married Darrin.
I don't mean "insanely" happy.
I mean just "happy" happy.
Well, I've had a lot
of those days.
Do you remember
the Unicorn Handicap?
The Unicorn Handicap?
Yes, it's... It's just like
the Kentucky Derby,
only with unicorns.
Well, they're off and running,
and Grandmama wants to take you.
Forget it.
Tabitha's not going anywhere,
except maybe to the park
to play mortal games.
Mother, I hope you understand.
You too, sweetheart.
I understand he's behaving
like a petulant little boy.
You may think so, Endora,
but the truth is.
I happen to be the head
of this household.
And I'm man enough
to stand up to you.
I doubt it.
Don't, Darrin.
[MAGIC CHIMES]
Stop, Mother!
Too late.
Now your appearance has
caught up with your mentality.
[GIGGLES]
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE] Sam.
Uh, Tabitha.
Would you mind going outside
and waiting for the mailman?
Oh, gee.
I miss all the fun.
Tabitha.
Okay, Daddy.
[♪]
Mother.
Mm.
You change him back
the way he was.
[DOOR CLOSES]
In due time, darling.
When he's ready to apologize.
In the meantime...
I suggest he see a tailor.
Sam. Do something.
Don't just stand there.
Well, you know I can't
undo Mother's spells.
Oh, sorry. So stupid
of me to forget.
[GIGGLING]
Uh... however, I, um...
I-I can substitute for
your friendly tailor.
Sweetheart, try to stay calm.
Calm? I've just been stunted
out of 30 years' growth.
Now, how do you
expect me to be calm?
Get your mother back.
Well, I'll try.
But it might be easier
if you'd apologize.
Apologize? For what?
For daring to stand up to her?
For having a difference
of opinion?
You're hardly in a position
to debate the issue.
The door was open,
and, uh, heh...
[DOOR CLOSES]
Sam, Darrin's putter
worked like magic.
Hi there.
Um, thi... This is
Darrin's nephew.
Darrin's nephew,
this is Mr. Tate.
Hello there, Darrin's nephew.
Does he have a name?
His name is, uh...
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Marvin.
Peter. Uh, Marvin.
Peter!
It's Marvin Peter.
And I also have
a last name: Stephens.
Well, Marvin Peter,
you look a lot like
your Uncle Darrin.
By the way, where is Darrin?
Oh, well, he was up to his hips
in Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew
until a few minutes ago.
Uh, he... He just ran down
to the nursery
uh, to get a few things
for the garden.
Well, then I'll just hang around
till he gets back.
I've got a couple of ideas
for the Flanagan account
I wanna throw at him.
Well, uh, Larry, the thing is
he could be gone for hours.
Well, it's either here,
or going home
and listening to Louise and
her string quartet murder Bach.
I'll leave when they leave.
Which should be
around 5:30.
[DOOR OPENS]
Here's the mail, Mommy.
Oh, uh, thank you, sweetheart.
Auntie Samantha,
could Tabitha and I
go out and play in the park?
I can't think of a better idea.
Boy, this is gonna be fun.
Yes. Now, uh,
e-enjoy yourself, kids.
Okay, auntie.
Marvin has a problem
with his voice, doesn't he?
Yeah, well...
uh, h-he's at that
awkward age.
Larry, fix yourself
a drink, will you?
I have something urgent
I have to take care of
in the kitchen.
[♪]
Boil and bubble Toil and trouble.
Mother, get here On the double.
"Not until I get
an apology from Durwood."
Ooh!
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE] Sweetheart.
Is the coast clear?
Sure, come on in. Larry left
about 15 minutes ago.
Boy, we had so much fun.
I mean, Daddy played
basketball with the boys,
and they made him captain.
He was better than
almost anybody.
Well.
Why not? I was the only
kid on the team
who was an all-star forward
at Missouri State.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Uh, Tabitha,
why don't you run up
and get ready for dinner?
Okay.
[♪]
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Herbie. I thought
I told you to get lost.
Can't get lost.
I live down the block.
Hi.
SAMANTHA:
Hello.
Boy, something smells good.
Well, I'm sure
your parents will have
a lovely dinner for you.
Nah. On Saturdays
we usually
have roast duck or lobster
or Cornish hen,
or some dumb thing like that.
Well, this is even dumber.
It's Irish stew.
Mother Flanagan's Stew?
How come?
Well, I was so busy
with the incan...
Uh, I-I mean,
trying to reach Mother,
that I forgot to take the roast
out of the freezer.
So it's Mother Flanagan
to the rescue.
Wow. Sure gives
a guy an appetite.
Uh, it's a little early
for dinner.
Not for me.
I usually eat early.
Uh...
would you like some, Herbie?
Would I?
Okay, sit down.
You boys can have
an early dinner,
and then it's home
for you, Herbie.
You'd have been proud
of Marvin, ma'am.
I bet you when he grows up,
he's gonna be a basketball star.
The reason I followed you home
is we're playing
the Blackhawks tomorrow.
We sure could use you.
I told you, Herbie.
I won't be able
to play tomorrow.
He, uh... He has
homework.
Gee. We really need him.
Because without you,
we don't stand a chance
against the Blackhawks.
Sorry, Herbie. No chance.
Would you consider
some player incentive?
How about 50 cents? My daddy
is loaded, and maybe...
SAMANTHA: Ah, here
you are, Herbie.
You know...
I've never had
Irish stew in my whole life.
[♪]
Now I know why.
Y-you mean,
you don't like it?
I guess it takes
getting used to.
If I had more time,
I'd get used to it.
But my folks will get worried
if I don't get home soon.
Thanks. I'll be checking
with you tomorrow
about playing, Marvin.
[♪]
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE]
The kid's right. It's blech.
Now, what about your mother?
All you have to do is apologize.
Endora, I'm sorry.
I'm contrite.
I'm apologizing.
I'm even grateful.
ENDORA:
You mustn't overdo.
[ENDORA LAUGHS]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Ta-ta.
What do you mean,
you're "even grateful"?
I mean, if she hadn't
turned me into a kid,
I wouldn't have met Herbie.
And if I hadn't met Herbie,
I wouldn't have realized
the problem isn't advertising.
It's taste. It's
as simple as that.
Which means now I have
even a bigger problem.
What's that?
Convincing Larry to give up
a quarter of a million dollars
in commission.
Well, that shouldn't
be difficult.
No?
No. Just invite
him over to taste it.
You think that'll do it?
No question about it.
Ooh.
[♪]
You mean, it doesn't
taste good to you.
And it may not
taste good to me...
but that's because our palates
have been spoiled
by expensive food.
We can't appreciate...
the humble Irish stew.
The word is "horrible."
That's your opinion.
Well, our job is
to convince the public
that they like
Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew,
whether they like it or not.
Larry, don't you think you're
being a little hypocritical?
I call it compassionate.
The Mother Flanagan people
think their stew is yummy,
and I'm not the one to break
their hearts with the truth.
Well, Larry, have you ever
heard of integrity?
Yes.
And, Darrin, I didn't become
the president of McMann & Tate
without bending
my integrity occasionally.
And this is one of
those "occasionallys."
So when Flanagan
comes here tomorrow,
see that you have
some mouthwatering ideas.
Is there any bicarb
in the house?
[♪]
Okay. Sock it to me.
I've been up most of the night
nursing a sick Mother Flanagan,
and just a moment ago,
I think I came up with
the right medicine.
Oh?
Which is the following:
We tell the truth
about the product.
Don't be ridiculous.
DARRIN: No, no, no, no.
Hear me out.
The idea is
integrity with humor.
Well, for instance:
Uh, "Mother Flanagan's Stew
may not be a gourmet treat,
but at least
it's nourishing."
I don't know, Darrin.
Okay, how about this?
"You can say this for
Mother Flanagan Irish Stew:
Even if you don't like it,
all you've blown is 59 cents."
And the account.
Darrin, you must be
out of your tree.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
And that's probably him.
Now, let's hear
some positive ideas.
Mr. Flanagan. Welcome.
Hello, Tate.
Ha, ha, ha!
Uh, Samantha, Darrin.
May I present...
Sean Flanagan's the name.
Irish stew is me game.
How do you do?
How do you do?
I'm sorry to intrude
on your sacred Sunday.
Not at all,
Mr. Flanagan.
At McMann & Tate,
Sunday is just the day
before Monday.
Ah, cut out the blarney, Tate.
If I wasn't so rich
and you weren't so greedy,
you'd tell me to go
to the devil.
Couldn't be helped.
Could we get started?
I have to catch
a plane for Dublin.
Uh, before you get started,
how about a wee nip
of Irish whiskey?
Good idea,
Mrs. Stephens. Ha-ha.
Would you help me
get out the ice?
Uh, sure.
[♪]
Darrin, I have an idea.
Oh, I certainly hope so.
Why not let Marvin tell
Mr. Flanagan the truth?
Sam, you're not suggesting
I go through
that kid routine again?
Think of it this way:
You won't have to bend
your integrity.
You just have to...
shrink it a little.
Besides, Mr. Flanagan has to
catch a plane for Dublin.
[SIGHS]
Okay, Sam. Zap away.
Okay, kid.
Do your stuff.
[CHUCKLING]
Where's Darrin?
Oh, the pilot's out
in the stove. He's fixing it.
I'll have mine
on the rocks, Tate.
Uh, right.
Uh, right.
Uh, this is my nephew, Marvin.
Marvin, you know
Mr. Tate.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hello, Mr. Tate, sir.
How are you, Marvin?
And this is
Mr. Flanagan.
And a top of the morning
to you too, Mr. Finnegan.
No, sweetheart,
that's "Flanagan."
As in Mother Flanagan's
Irish Stew.
Oh, her.
What do you mean, "Oh, her,"
young fella?
Nothing, sir.
Have you ever tasted
Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew?
Do I have to answer that,
Auntie Samantha?
Of course not, darling.
You can run out and play.
Uh, no, no. You stay
right where you are.
Have you ever tasted it?
Yes, sir, I have.
Ah. And, uh,
how did you like it?
I'm a Boy Scout, sir,
and I cannot tell a lie.
Please don't ask me
that question.
You can go now, Marvin.
No, no, no. You stay.
I want an answer.
The answer is that I tasted it,
and I didn't care for it
very much, sir.
[LARRY CHUCKLES]
There are a lot of
radical subversives
infiltrating the Boy Scouts,
and, uh...
Sam, would you please
get Darrin?
Of course.
[♪]
That kid has a weird voice.
He's at that awkward age.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thanks, honey.
Good. Now we can
get down to business.
Yeah, well, where's that kid?
I wanna talk to him again.
I'll get him.
He wants Marvin again.
So if you don't mind, Sam,
once more with feeling.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
You asked to see me, sir?
Yes, I did.
Now, come here.
Why didn't you like the stew?
Because it didn't
taste very good.
Ha-ha. What would
a little kid know? Ha.
It's only my opinion, sir.
The kid's a finicky eater.
Oh, no, Mr. Tate, sir.
I eat everything
that is set before me.
But I couldn't finish the stew.
Scout's honor.
Naturally. The exotic seasoning
is not for a child's taste.
Oh, shut up, Tate.
Why can't we be
as honest as this lad?
That stew is based on me sainted
mother's secret recipe.
But listening to this lad
has brought back memories
of meself as a child.
I remember I hated that stew.
And as I grew up,
I must have been
brainwashed into liking it.
The truth is the stew
was lousy then,
and it's lousy now.
Uh, Marvin, could I see you
for a minute?
Coming, auntie.
[♪]
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE] It worked.
I heard.
Now put me back.
I'm beginning to
feel like a yo-yo.
Mr. Flanagan?
Mr. Flanagan?
Huh?
Is anything wrong,
Mr. Flanagan?
Wrong? No, no,
no, no.
I was... I was just thinking
about all those warehouses
all over the country full of.
Mother Flanagan's Irish Stew,
just sitting there,
rotting away.
It doesn't have to just
sit there, rotting away.
It doesn't?
Uh, Mother Flanagan's Stew
sells for 59 cents a can, right?
Right.
How much of that is profit?
Ah, well, uh, with, uh,
shipping and delivery,
we probably eke out
1 or 2 cents a can profit.
The truth, Mr. Flanagan.
The truth?
Well, uh...
The truth is we...
make about 30 cents
a can profit.
Why did I say that?
Don't worry.
It'll be our secret.
Okay. Now, suppose
you lower the price
from 59 cents a can
to 39 cents a can.
You'd still make a profit
of 10 cents a can, right?
There wouldn't be enough
buyers at any price.
There would be...
if Mr. Flanagan
will make
one small change
in the packaging.
Hm?
What's that?
All you have to do
is change the labels
from "Mother Flanagan's
Irish Stew..."
to "Mother Flanagan's...
Doggy Stew."
Sam!
Ha! She's joking,
of course.
No, no, no, wait.
I think Mrs. Stephens
might have something here.
A brilliant idea.
And think of the possibilities.
Do you know
how many dogs there are
in the United States?
Millions.
Why, those warehouses
will be empty in no time.
And how's this for
a TV commercial?
A pair of hands empties a can
of Mother Flanagan's
Doggy Stew into a dish.
Uh, a beautiful Irish setter
lopes into the shot
and gulps it down hungrily.
The... The TV announcer's
voice comes in...
"If it's good enough for
the champion, Erin O'Cork,
it's good enough
for your pup."
And it's only 39 cents a can.
[CHUCKLES]
Mother may never forgive me,
but I think I've
saved the business.
[ALL LAUGH]
[♪]
[♪]
Do you realize we got
rid of Flanagan
in less than an hour?
And I've still got time
for 18 holes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Larry.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
You must be Marvin's uncle.
Yeah?
Oh. Yeah.
Is he ready?
For what?
Isn't Marvin coming to
play basketball with us?
Gee, uh, I-I
don't know.
It figures.
He's sore at me
'cause I was rude.
Rude?
My mother said I was
when I told her about
not eating the stew.
Herbie, you were honest.
Uh, I think that kind of honesty
should be rewarded.
Don't you, sweetheart?
Please let Marvin play.
We're playing the Blackhawks,
and they're a bunch of bullies.
We won't have a chance
without Marvin.
You got yourself
a basketball player.
I'll get him.
[♪]
I'm getting him, Sam!
I got him.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hi.
Hi.
Come on, let's go.
[IN DARRIN'S VOICE]
Bye, Auntie Samantha.
Hi, Sam.
Where's Darrin?
Oh, uh, he had
a previous engagement.
But we had a date for golf.
Well, he... He had a previous
date for basketball.
I don't get it.
He could have called me.
It's the least he...
Basketball?
He's gone off
to play basketball?
At his age?
Larry...
there are some times
when he's a lot younger
than you think.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
[♪]