Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 7, Episode 18 - The House That Uncle Arthur Built - full transcript

[♪]

ARTHUR:
Ouch.

Ouch!

Did you say something, Sam?

Uh, no.
No, I didn't.

But he did.

Sammy, how can you hit a man
when he's down?

[LAUGHS]

Get it?

Pillow, feathers, down?

[CACKLES]



I guess it's true.

Small things amuse small minds.

[CHUCKLES]

How would you like to pick on

somebody your own size?

Okay, Digby.
Start picking.

Uncle Arthur, please.

What's it gonna be, fisticuffs?

Now, just...

[CHUCKLES]

Uncle Arthur,
will you cut that out?

Oh, Sammy,

I'm just jousting with him.

[LAUGHS]



Sam, tell him
to get me out of here.

If I were you, Digby,

before I got
in the office elevator,

I'd, uh...
I'd check my lance.

[CHUCKLES]

Uncle Arthur!

There you go.

Back to normal,

whatever that is.

And to think some people,
before they go to work,

just have coffee.

Uh, sweetheart,
I-it's after 2:00.

You'll be late for your meeting.

Oh, that's right.

What with all the fun
and games, I almost forgot.

Uh, aren't you gonna
say goodbye?

Yes, I am. Goodbye.

And the next time
you drop in, don't.

Watch it, buster.

In a war of wit, you're unarmed.

Sam, this dinner tonight
for Mr. and Mrs. Rockfield

is not social.
It's business.

I know.

And Larry will be coming,
so that'll make five for dinner.

[WHISPERS] Not six.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

Hmm.

All right, Uncle Arthur.
Let's have it.

Have what?

An explanation.

Digby deserved ev...

Ah, that is not
what I'm talking about.

How come you're all spruced up?

It's the new me.

Love it or, uh, leave it.

I'm leaving it.

Uh, Sammy, it's all
part of the new me.

The simple, carefree,

fun-loving,
practical-joking

Uncle Arthur is gone.

Y-You mean all those stunts
you pulled on Darrin

were my imagination?

Just the last of a long line

of memorable funnies.

My glorious transformation

can be attributed to one word:

Aretha.

Aretha?

Aretha, my love,

I worship at your feet.

Fly to my side,

and make it tout suite.

Arthur, darling,

how thoughtful of you to call.

Oh.

[KISS]

Mmm.

Finger-lickin' good.

Oh... Oh, Samantha,

allow me to introduce Aretha,

the love of my life.

The witch who will soon be.

Mrs. Uncle Arthur.

Oh, that's marvelous.

Aretha, I'm so pleased
to meet you.

Charmed, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:

[♪]

[♪]

What a quaint little place.

Absolutely charming.

Where's the main house?

This is it.

Where do the servants stay?

Well, we don't have
any servants' quarters,

since we don't
have any servants.

Oh, sounds like fun.

If my hands weren't so delicate,

I would consider
trying it myself.

Aretha, my sweetness.

Your loveliness
is only surpassed

by your understanding.
Oh.

That's not quite the word
I would've used.

Sammy, I...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Sam, I... I think I'd like
to talk to you in the kitchen.

Uncle Arthur,
what's the matt...?

Sammy. For you.

Oh, thank you.

They're beautiful.

Smell them.

[WIND BLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, Sammy.

I just couldn't control myself.

I'm having a lot
of trouble myself.

You don't understand.

My problem is Aretha
can't stand practical jokes.

They...
They're below her station.

Oh.

If she knew I were
the titan of tricks,

the highness of hijinks,

the prince of pranks,

why, she'd drop me
like a hot potato.

How long are you gonna
carry on this masquerade?

Forever, if necessary.

One of these days,
you'll just lose control

right in front of her.
Never. I love her.

The masquerade goes on.

Here we are, my treasure.

Miss me?

Arthur, let's talk
about our honeymoon.

I do hope we can go
to a fun place.

I've been thinking
that maybe we could go to India

for some elephant polo.

Oh, Arthur, it's so hot in India

this time of year,
what with all those

untouchables milling
about the streets.

Arthur, I mean...

I know a place where you can go.

Thanks, Sammy,
but we still haven't run out

of our own ideas.

I've got it.
The perfect place to honeymoon.

We'll have complete privacy.

We'll take a trip to the moon

on gossamer wings.

What are you doing with
those wings on your back?

W-Wings?
What... What wings?

Arthur, I would be much happier

if you would quit
that clowning around.

You, uh, would?

U-Uncle Arthur.

I think you would be happier

if you'd clown around
a little more.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Arthur!

Get me out of this
ridiculous costume!

You... You clown!

ARTHUR:
It takes one to know one.

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

Uncle Arthur, I think
it's time you stopped...

clowning around.

Clowning around.

Oh, Sammy, you do
have a way with words.

[LAUGHS]

Arthur, I'm warning you.

Cut out this nonsense.

Uh, oh, all right, killjoy.

Arthur, you are a silly,
witless fool.

However,
there is one consolation.

I found out in time.

Oh, Sammy.

You're looking
at a broken warlock,

rejected and shattered
beyond repair.

I'd turn myself into a doormat,

except the way I feel,

I couldn't stand
the word "Welcome."

Oh.

Well, I-in a few thousand years,

you will have forgotten
all about her.

I know.

But what am I gonna do tonight?

[♪]

Come on. Come on.
Give me a hand.

Rockfield will
be here any minute.

What's going on?

Just a little
one-upsmanship.

Putting Rockfield's furniture
where it will do the most good...

right before his eyes.

Where do you want this,
Mr. Tate?

Oh, here. I'll take it,
Betty. Thanks.

[SIGHS]

The right bait
for the right catch.

Okay, Darrin,
let's hear your ideas.

He'll be here any minute.

Okay. But I could have come up
with some angles I like better

if I'd had more time.

Let me remind you, this is
the advertising business.

Whatever you come up with,
you love.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

BETTY:
Mr. Rockfield's here.

Show him in.

Ah, ha, ha. Mr. Rockfield,
good to see you.

Come on in.
Hello, Tate.

Darrin, shake hands
with Lionel Rockfield,

king of home
and office furnishings.

This is Darrin Stephens,

the creative mainstay
of our team.

It's a pleasure to finally
meet you, Mr. Rockfield.

I've heard a lot about you.

Yes.

Would you like to sit down?

Uh, no. I've been
sitting all day.

Oh, no. Here.
Here, use this.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, never mind. I'll use
the one here on the desk.

All right, Tate. I understand
you've got some campaign ideas

you want me to hear.

Absolutely.
Go ahead.

Mr. Rockfield...
I'm listening.

At McMann and Tate,
time is money,

both for the client
and the agency.

Go ahead, Darrin.

Well, the first idea
is a beauty contest...

Miss Secretary of the Year...

and the winner would be pictured

sitting in a Rockfield chair

at a Rockfield desk.

I don't like it.

It's been done a million times.
It's old hat.

Right. It's off with the old
and on with the new.

Proceed, Darrin.

We thought
of an institutional approach.

Pick five colleges and furnish
the president's offices

with Rockfield furniture.

It'd be like a grant.

I don't like it.

It's too obvious.
And so are you, Tate.

What?

Just because you put
a Rockfield chair and lamp

and ashtray in your office

doesn't mean you're
gonna land the account.

Well, I never dreamed...
I don't fall for

that kind of bait, Tate.

I take my business very
seriously, and if you don't,

I'll take my business elsewhere.
Oh, we do. We do.

And we have a lot more ideas.

But why don't we present them
tonight at dinner,

when we'll all be
a little more relaxed?

All right.

But you better come up with
something a more effective

than I've heard here today.

And, uh, don't count
on me being too relaxed.

I take pride in never
getting too relaxed.

[♪]

You heard what he said,

so you better
come up with something terrific

or it's curtains.

And I don't mean
Rockfield curtains either.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Uncle Arthur,

you have been moping
around the house all day long.

Now, Darrin will be home
any minute.

So, please, try and pull
yourself together.

But my life has no meaning.

I have loved and lost.

Oh, my stars.

Uncle Arthur,
you haven't lost anything.

You force me to be honest.

Aretha is a phony.

And so are you

for pretending to be
something you're not.

What am I?

A broken-hearted clown!

[SOBS LOUDLY]

Laugh, clown.

No one knows
your heart is broken.

♪ Even though ♪

♪ You're only
Make-believing ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh ♪

Oh, brother.

♪ Even though ♪

♪ Something inside Is grieving ♪

[SOBBING]
♪ Laugh, clown, laugh ♪

Sammy, I've got it.

You're gonna
forget about Aretha.

No, I'm going to win her back.

And the only way to do it
is to get rid of the one thing

that's standing between us.

My character.

Your character?

I'm going to say goodbye

to my practical jokes.

I will scatter them
to the winds.

How are you gonna do that?
Never mind, Sammy.

Go check your dinner.

You needn't be concerned
about me anymore.

[♪]

Why scatter my practical jokes
to the winds

when they'd be
much more at home...

right here?

Practical jokes

my love appalls,

fly from my body

and lodge in these walls.

[RUMBLING]

Au revoir, Sammy.

The joke's on you.

Uncle Arthur?

Uncle Arthur.

[SAMANTHA'S VOICE]:
Uncle Arthur?

Uncle Arthur.

Oh.

Uncle Arthur!

Uncle Arthur!

Oh. Oh!

Good grief.

[UP TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
[SCREAMS]: Oh!

Uncle Arthur!

Knock it off!

Sam?

And what, may I ask, is this?

I think it's water.

So much for the water.

Now where's the scotch?

[♪]

Sam, I'm very calm now.

If I were you, I'd take
advantage of this calm state

by explaining

what kind of a way is that
to greet a husband?

Oh, dear.

Is that better?

It's better,

but it's still not
an explanation.

It's Uncle Arthur.

I know that.

But what you don't know
is that Uncle Arthur

is madly in love with a witch

who can't stand
his practical jokes.

The ranks are swelling.

And in order to win her,

he divorced himself
from his practical jokes.

Well, that's an improvement.

And apparently
we got custody of them.

That's not.

Sam, now, our guests
will be here any minute.

I mean...
Well, you're a witch.

Do something.

Well, there's nothing I can do.

There.
Here's to tonight.

Let's hope it's nothing
like this afternoon.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Brace yourself.

Oh, good evening.
Please come in. Good evening.

How do you do?

Samantha, uh, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Rockfield.

How do you do?

Folks, this is Samantha,

Darrin's lovely
and charming wife.

Oh, Larry.
My goodness.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, well.
How about some drinks?

I thought you'd never ask.

Good.
Come right in.

We're so thrilled
you could come.

[AIR HISSING]
[SCREAMS]

What was that?

Uh, uh, just a draft.

It's a very drafty house.

I-I'll call the draftsman
in the morning

and get it fixed.

W-Why don't you call
whoever you have to call

right now, Sam,

just so it doesn't happen again?

G-Good idea.

You can use the phone
in the kitchen.

Excuse me.

Well, what are we drinking?

Well, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Mrs. Rockfield and I
will have ginger ale.

You sure you don't want
something stronger?

We're sure.

Too bad.

[CHUCKLES] Come on in.

[UP TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Uncle Arthur, I am
going to count to three,

and if you know
what's good for you,

you will gather up
all your practical jokes

and absorb them.

One, two, three.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Four?

Five?

[MUSIC STOPS]

And here we are with the drinks.

Oh.

The ginger ale
for the Rockfields,

and the scotch for Larry.

[♪]

Stephens, I... I don't
seem to be able

to raise my glass.

Neither can I.
Neither can I.

You can't, huh?

Probably the furniture polish

hasn't dried on the table yet.

I'll have them
pried off tomorrow.

No problem.

I'll make new drinks.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Hmm. Certainly getting
hot in here.

Darrin, we're waiting
for our drinks.

Didn't you have
a drink for lunch?

What's the matter with you?

Me? Nothing.

[LAUGHS]
Nothing. I'm fine.

Uh, say, have you ever seen

the handkerchief trick?

It's... It's really,
uh, very amusing.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Darrin, forget the trick.

Let's talk about the campaign.

What have you come up with
for Mr. Rockfield?

Uh, yeah, the campaign.

Oh, of course.

Uh, well. Uh...

Well, let's hope
it has plenty of punch.

Uh, I'll go get a cold compress.

I'll be right back.

Uncle Arthur,
I'm gonna start over again,

and if you're not here by
the time I count to three,

you've had it.

And so have we.
Sam, what's happened?

Well, apparently Uncle Arthur's

made up with Aretha,

and has given us back
his practical jokes.

What's that for?

For me first,
and then for Larry.

One, two, three.

Mr. Tate.
Here.

This should do the trick.

Are you all right, Tate?

He never could take a punch.

Where am I?

Well, if I didn't know better,

I'd think you were
in a loony bin.

[CHUCKLES]
Ah, yes, this certainly promises

to be an interesting evening.

More fun than
a barrel of monkeys.

[CHIRPING]

[GASPS]

Cute little fellas, aren't they?

Stephens, where'd
these animals come from?

Yeah, where'd they come from?

Well, actually...

Never mind.
Just get rid of them.

Oh, they're cute, Lionel.
Where's your sense of humor?

LIONEL: I don't see anything funny
about a room full of anthropoids.

Uncle Arthur,
you cut out the monkeyshines

and undo your spell.

Heigh-ho, Samantha,
my sweet.

Don't "heigh-ho" me.

You and your practical jokes
are destroying us.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, cute little fellas,
aren't they?

Not to me, they're not.

They are ugly little beasts,

no cuter than your
practical jokes.

Arthur, we are finished
for all time.

And if I never see you again,

it will be too soon.

Goodbye.

You're right.

She's a phony.

Stacked, but a phony.

I demand an explanation.

And it better be a good one.

Good? It's gonna
have to be great.

And you're going to get it.

In just a minute.

A-And get rid
of these monkeys.

Oh, sure thing.

Uncle Arthur, I beg of you.

Please undo your spell.

Why not?

I've lost my love again.

That's not all
you're gonna lose.

Shh!

Uh, Mr. Rockfield,
I'm sure Stephens

has an explanation.

Practical jokes,
return to the roost,

and give Uncle Arthur

a great big boost.

And as soon as he gets back,
he'll get rid of the...

Where'd they go?

Okay, Sammy? Ciao.

It's time to face the music.

Well, you asked me to get
rid of the monkeys,

so I got rid of them.

Oh.
Oh.

You promised an explanation,

a good one...
A very good one.

Well, go... Go ahead,
sweetheart.

Tell 'em about your plan.

Don't be modest.
Plan?

Well, you know.

The... The plan to show
that you can enjoy your home

without making it
a Coney Island fun house.

Oh, of course.

That plan.

SAMANTHA:
Darrin always says

that a home can be fun
without air blasts

or sticking glasses
or barrels of monkeys.

Or even a boxing glove.

Maybe later I'll explain
how much fun that was.

I hope there's more.

DARRIN:
Of course.

We show the Coney
Island fun house,

and next to that
a home furnished

with Rockfield furnishings.

And the slogan might be, uh,

"Put some fun in your home

with Rockfield furnishings."

That's your explanation

for everything
that happened tonight?

Uh-huh.

I like it.
I like the approach,

and I like the slogan.
I knew you would.

I'm crazy about it myself.

Well, you must admit,
it does have punch.

It's different.

But you certainly
went to a lot of trouble

to make your point.

Well, would this moment
have been as meaningful

if Darrin had
just said "fun house"?

No, it wouldn't.

Mrs. Stephens,
your husband's got quite a head

on his shoulders.

I certainly have.

[♪]

Sam, this is one evening
I'll never forget,

even if I tried.

And I plan to do
a lot of trying.

Well, I'm very proud of you.

You were in control all the way.

Control?
I was in shock.

Well, sweetheart,
the house is back to normal.

Yeah? For how long?

Your lovesick,
joke-sick Uncle Arthur

just might...
Shh!

He's liable to hear you.

ARTHUR:
I heard that.

He heard you.

Uncle Arthur, go away.

ARTHUR:
Ouch!

Sammy, you know if there's
one thing I can't stand,

it's having my ear tweaked.

How about boxed?

Now, there's an idea.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Woo-hoo!

[♪]