Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Return of Darrin the Bold - full transcript

[♪]

Look at him.

He's a veritable
bundle of ambition.

And while he snores
away his life

in this abysmal poverty pocket,

your cousin is denied
the rewards

of a witchly heritage.

I never did dig what Sammy
dug about that dodo.

Shh.

Samantha's coming.

What are you doing?



Trying not to wake you up.

You're trying too hard.

Oh, sorry.

That's okay. I don't wanna waste
my whole Saturday sleeping.

Why not?

There are some things
I want to do.

For instance, fix the tile
coming up in the kitchen floor.

It's fixed.
I did it the other day.

I was gonna do it.

I know.

I just got tired
of tripping over it.

Sweetheart, there's something
you don't understand.

You're not supposed to fix
things around the house,

that's man's work.



Even if the man's been
putting it off for months?

That's the part
you don't understand.

Putting things off
is man's work too.

Oh.

Speaking of putting things off

when do you suppose
Mr. Ferguson's

gonna trim that bush
by our driveway?

It's a real menace.

You can't see
the oncoming traffic.

I'll do the neighborly thing.

I'll get the shears
and trim it for him.

Okay. I'll fix you
some iced tea.

Did you see what
he's done to her?

She's not a wife,

she's a full-time
live-in maid.

You're right, Auntie,
but what can we do?

How about turning
him into a warlock?

What? That's impossible.

So what?

The impossible just
takes a little longer.

I never heard of a place
that was too high to fly to.

Serena, this is the top
of the world.

The atmosphere is much
too thin for levitation.

Well, it's not too great
for climbing either.

Hey, a-are you sure
the old man of the mountain

can do the trick?

Well, if anyone can help us,
he can.

He's not only the oldest
warlock in the world,

he is also the wisest.

Greetings, master.

I seek the fruit
of your ancient wisdom.

My daughter is married
to a mortal

who obstinately refuses
to permit her

to enjoy the benefits
of her witchly heritage.

I seek a spell

which will turn him
into a warlock.

I think he's asleep.

No.
No, he's reflecting.

In the thousands of years
in which I have sat here

pondering the vicissitudes
of the world,

one truth above all others

shines forth like a torch
in a murky shadow.

What is that, master?

It doesn't pay to interfere
with your in-laws.

I beg your pardon?

What's he smoking?

I didn't come this far
for a lecture.

Do you know a spell,
or don't you?

I'll have to give
it much thought.

A few days, a week, a month.

Fine.
Serena, you can leave.

I'll wait until
he thinks of a spell.

She's going and you're staying?

That's right.

I just thought of the spell.

[LAUGHS]

NARRATOR:

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Serena, you shock me.

We climbed all the way
to the top of the world

to get this spell
and you're hesitating.

Don't you want to help Samantha?

Well, sure, Auntie, but I...

All you have to do is to go back
to 14th-century Ireland.

Administer this potion
to Durwood's ancestor,

Durwood the Bold.

Add three hairs from
his beard, heat it,

and have him inhale the vapors.

It's all so simple.

So he inhales the potion,

and that turns him
into a warlock?

Right. That will cause a change
in his cosmic chromosomes

and, simultaneously,

Dumbo will inherit
the powers of a warlock.

But Sammy will ask questions.

And I'll have the answers.

Are you ready for
your journey into the past?

Okay.

Fire when ready.

Now for a little
traveling music.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Night into day
And day into night.

Back to the past
With the speed of light.

To Durwood the Bold
To do this spell.

I wish you luck.

If not, just yell

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Endora,

how infinite are thy gifts.

[♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Enter.

There's a lady without, Master.

Without what?

Without a carriage wheel.

It came off directly
in front of the castle.

How does that concern me?

It'll take at least
a day to repair.

In the meanwhile,
the lady requests

the hospitality of the house.

What?

Does she take this for a hostel?

Tell her to be on her way.

Sure, I've done that,

but she insists on meeting
the lord of the manor.

She does, eh?
Gawain, you're too soft.

There's only one way to handle
this kind of impertinent wench.

[♪]

You're Darrin the Bold, right?

Right.

And you're the little lady

who's going to be our guest
for the next few days.

[HUMS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I was just passing by
and thought I'd enquire

if there's any little thing
you might be needing.

Well, there is something
you could do for me.

Aye?

I'd like a fire in the fireplace
to warm this medicine.

Now, why would a lass
as healthy as yourself

have need of medicine?

I have a little

chest cold.

Sure, and it's not medicine
you want for that.

What you need

is a warm-blooded Irishman.

It is lucky for yourself

that your carriage
broke down here.

A little further on,

and you'd be at the mercy

of roadway thieves,

and heaven knows
what sorts of evil types.

[DOOR SHUTS]

The question is,

am I any safer here?

For my sake, I hope not.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

I thought you came in here
to start the fire.

I am, lass.

No, that fire.

Oh, that fire.

No, I have to warm this.

Oh.

You're a fine broth of a girl,
do you know that?

Come, give us a kiss.

I don't even know
if you're married.

Are you?

Not seriously.

[CRIES OUT]

I don't suppose you'd care
to explain why you did that.

In the land where I come from,

it's a courting custom.

When a lady is interested
in a gentleman

she plucks a hair
from his beard.

If she's very interested,
she plucks two.

And if she plucks three...

Aye, what then?

Like, wow.

Sure, and I'm starting
to like this custom of yours.

[CRIES OUT]

It makes it kind of a game, eh?

The suspense is killing me.

Are you gonna pluck the third?

Oh, and the saints be praised!

[♪]

I feel terrible strange.

Sweetheart, would you
like a cold drink?

You look pale.
You feel all right?

I'm fine.

I think.

How about a little iced tea?

Oh, thanks, but what I really
want is some beer.

Sam, what's the big idea?

Darrin, I-I didn't do it.

What with you and the fire,

it is getting powerful
hot in here.

I wish I had me
a tankard of ale.

How...?
How did that happen?

From now on,

you're going to get
anything you wish for.

Anything?

Ah.

Watch what you're
wishing for, buster.

You said I'd get me every wish.

You will, when it's my idea.

And I'm beginning
to get some ideas.

[CHUCKLES]

Sweetheart, don't you think

you're being a little
unreasonable?

I mean, after all,
the only thing that happened

was you wanted some beer,
and you got it.

Sam, I like the kind of beer

that comes from
the refrigerator,

not from witchcraft.

Now, which wise guy,
among the many in your family

pulled this stunt?

Did it ever occur to you

that maybe someone is just
trying to be nice to you?

Well, let's find out
who's being nice

and tell them to knock it off.

Okay, I'll try and reach Mother.

In the meantime,
how about a sandwich?

We have some nice corned beef.

Yeah. A corned beef sandwich
sounds great.

Sam, will you please hurry
up and get your mother?

I have a feeling
it isn't Mother.

It seems to be some
sort of a-a wish spell.

You get whatever you wish for.

Yeah?

Well, I wish you'd
call your mother

and straighten her out.

As you wish.

Sorry. Mother!

Having a little problem,
darling?

Look, Endora,
just admit you did it,

and I promise not to get sore.

Darrin, let me handle this.

Mother, just admit you did it,
and we promise not to get sore.

Did you put a spell on Darrin?

I did not.

Is that the truth?

Have I ever lied to you?

Mother, I didn't send for you
to discuss your character.

Now, what's happened
is that Darrin gets

everything he wishes for.

It's happened!

I can't believe it!

What's happened?

Your father told me
that this might occur.

But it was just
too much to hope for.

What might occur?

Oh, darling,
I'm so happy for you.

What's she talking about?

Well, this... That's what
I'd like to know.

Don't you understand?

It's the first stages
of wishcraft.

No!
Yes.

Will you two stop discussing me
like I was a piece of furniture?

What are you babbling about?

If you can muzzle him,

I do have an explanation.

Darrin, please.
This is very important.

Yes, Mother?

There's never been a marriage
of witch to mortal before

so there's no precedent
for this.

But what I think has happened
is that as a result

of Durwood's constant
exposure to witchcraft,

he's been absorbing
it by osmosis.

[GASPS]

And he's turned into a warlock.

Into a what?
Who? Me?

No, no, no.

No, this is... This is some
kind of a joke, right?

And a bad joke at that.

Darrin, please calm down.

Mother, I think you ought
to leave us now.

I think this
is a very delicate time.

Samantha, this is a time
for rejoicing.

We'll start rejoicing
after you leave.

[SCOFFS]

Sam, I never figured
on anything like this.

I mean, I... I don't think
I can be something I'm not.

I can't live by whipping
up this and zapping up that,

and wishing up who knows what.

Sweetheart, l-let me try
and explain something

that might make you feel better.

Okay, but I doubt it.

Well, a-as time goes by

and you mature...

What?

Well, I-I mean,
as your wishcraft matures

and you develop better
control over your powers,

all that accidental
wishcraft will stop.

I was right.
I don't feel better.

Sam, are you sure this isn't
some kind of a trick?

Not entirely.

Why don't you go outside
and finish trimming that bush?

I'll try and get
to the bottom of this.

That dumb bush is the least
of our problems.

I wish I'd never seen it.

I don't know.

What I need is to be sitting
quietly in a bar,

trying to figure this out.

Hey, where'd you come from?

Just dropped in.

Well, uh,

it was nice of you
to bring your own beer.

[♪]

Hello, is this
the Elbow Room cocktail lounge?

Could you tell me if there's
a Darrin Stephens there, please?

Oh, sure, I'll hold on.

Hi, coz.
What's going down?

Serena, am I glad to see you.

Uh, he's not?
Thank you.

Serena, something
very strange is going on.

Oh?

Yes.

Darrin has been
turned into a warlock.

Really?

And Mother has given me some
trumped-up reason for it

that I don't believe.

What'd she say?

Well, that doesn't matter.

What matters is it's causing
a catastrophe.

And I think he's gone
someplace to think.

And I think what he's thinking
is thinking about going away.

Oh, Sammy, that's terrible.

Since when have you been
so gung ho for Darrin?

Well, I know I haven't been
too keen on him in the past

but recently,
very recently in fact,

I met someone rather like him.

You did? Where?

In the 14th century.

What?

And if your Durwood

is as groovy as that Durwoo...

Oh.

Serena, there is something
you're not telling me

that you should be telling me,
isn't there?

Yeah.

All right, out with it.

Sammy, if I spill it,
your mother's gonna zap me

into the 14th century
permanently.

Which might not be so bad.

Ah-ha.

So my mother is behind this,
isn't she?

Do I have to answer that?

No, you just did.

Oh, Serena, how could you?

Well, it sounded like
it was gonna be a ball.

But it's turned
into a real bummer.

Okay, start at the top.

How'd you know that's
where it started?

Tell me, now, how would
you like a little promotion?

To upstairs maid?

No, just upstairs.

[LAUGHS]

Who are you?

On second thought,

it is no matter.

You do look a bit familiar.

Wait a minute.
Of course, it is yourself.

But you changed your hair.

N-now, just take it easy,
friend.

Friend, is it?

That's not what you called me

scarce an hour ago.

What about me promotion?

I wish you to be off.
Do you hear?

I like what you did
to your hair.

'Tis a well-known fact,
blonds have more fun.

[♪]

Sam?

Samantha?

This is going to come
as a surprise to you, ding-dong,

but am I glad to see you.

Serena, what are you doing here?

Minding the store.

Where did Sam go?

Out.

There was something
she had to take care of.

How are you feeling?

I've got a miserable headache.
Oh.

And you're not helping it any.

I wish I had something
that would.

Swell.

When will Sam be back?

As soon as she does
what it is she has to do,

which apparently
she hasn't done yet.

Hmm?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hi, Mr. Ferguson.

What did you do to my bush?

Oh, that.
I just trimmed it a little.

You said you were
going to anyway.

I said I was gonna
trim it, not remove it.

What are you talking about?

Come with me, fella.

If that's your idea
of a little trimming

I'm gonna show you my idea
of a little trimming.

Now, wait a minute,
there's no need for violence.

I-I just got carried
away a little.

That's right. You're gonna get
carried away, all right.

On a stretcher.

Oh, darling, how my heart longs

for another taste of honey
from them ruby lips.

You poor thing.
Oh, you poor thing.

You're overheated.

Aye.
And where there's heat,

there is fire.

What you need is a little
cooling off.

[CRIES OUT]

Now, I'm warning you, Ferguson.

You'd better not mess
with me. I have powers.

What you have is a screw loose.

I-I'm warning you,
you're asking for disaster.

Sorry, but I warned you.

What did you do?
You did something sneaky.

I'll be right there, Martha.

Luckily for you,
my wife's calling me.

I didn't hear anything.

Well, I did.

Sweetheart?

Darrin?

Sweetheart, There's something

I have to tell you...
I found out it was a trick...

Sorry. You first.

No. No, you first.

Okay.

Sam, I thought it all out.

I've gone over it over
and over again,

and the truth is it doesn't
matter about the witchcraft,

or whether or not I'm a warlock.

The only important thing
is that I love you.

And I love you.

Now, what did you have
to tell me?

We were right.

All that warlock nonsense
was a trick,

and now you're unstuck.

I-I mean,
your wishcraft is gone.

Really? That's terrific.

But just a minute ago,
I got in a row with Ferguson...

I know.

I ran a little
interference for you.

So sue me.

[♪]

[♪]

Sam, are you ready?

Coming.

Sweetheart, I got a sitter.

She'll arrive just
as we're leaving.

You won't even have to see her.

Meaning?

Meaning the only person
I could find was Mother.

Suddenly, going out for dinner
together loses its charm.

Who would know better about
lack of charm than you, dumbo?

Oh, Darrin. If you just
hadn't said anything

she wouldn't have come
in until after we'd left.

I didn't think you'd have
the gall to show up here

after what you pulled today.

That's the thanks I get

for trying to elevate
your station in life.

Endora, from now on,
do me a big favor:

Don't do me any favors.

Mother, you can do me a favor.

Wanna go upstairs and play
with the kids? They're waiting.

Gladly.

Sweetheart, I-I know it's hard
to believe, but she means well.

You're right.
It's hard to believe.

Which reminds me.

Just exactly what did she
do and how did you undo it?

Well, I'd rather that wait until

you've had a good dinner
and a good night's sleep,

have gotten up
and gone to the office,

because I don't want you
to be around when I tell you.

You're a sneaky witch.

[♪]