Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 7, Episode 10 - Samantha's Old Man - full transcript
Darrin is excited that he has broken 80 in this golf score, and after a round of banter between Endora and Darrin, Endora turns him into an old man. Samantha has to do some quick thinking to prevent Darrin from falling prey to one of Louise's match making plots. We see what Elizabeth Montgomery would have looked like had she gotten old before her death.
[♪]
[GASPS]
Mother,
what are you doing in there?
I want to talk to you.
Is, uh,
what's-his-name around?
What's-his-n...
Uh, Darrin is playing golf.
Good.
Ooh!
But he'll be home soon.
Oh, that's bad
because I have an invitation
from your old friend Rollo
to join us
at the Cosmos Cotillion
for the costume ball
to end all costume balls.
Well, it... It sounds
fascinating, Mother,
but I have
more important things to do.
Like what?
Well,
I have to peel the potatoes,
chop the onions,
slice the carrots
and season my leg of lamb.
Ugh.
Samantha,
I have failed you as a mother.
Mother.
DARRIN:
I did it. I did it.
Hooray!
Sam, I did it. I...
Oh. Hi.
S-Sam, you'll...
You'll never believe...
You'll never believe this,
but I-I've finally
broken through.
Isn't the expression
"broken out"?
Sam, I finally broke 80.
Oh, sweetheart, that's terrific.
Eighty what?
Oh, n-nothing, Mother.
Oh.
I'll tell you about it
after your mother leaves.
Oh, and Endora, no offense,
but I think you need a shave.
Ooh.
Mother, please.
Oh.
Samantha, forgive me,
but when I think
of what you gave up
to marry a man
who spends his Sundays
breaking 80 nothings,
I could cry.
Oh, well,
save your tears, Mother.
I am perfectly happy
with Darrin.
That's only because
the creature is still a novelty.
I'll be happy with him
if I live to be 3000.
You can change your mind
many times
in 3000 years, Samantha.
Heaven knows I did.
But what about 30 years
from now,
when whatever dubious charms
he has wrinkle up?
Mother, will you do me a favor?
Go to your ball,
give Rollo my best,
and let me see to my dinner.
You'll see more
than to your dinner.
What's that supposed to me...?
M-Mother?
Mother?
Odds plus odds Add up to evens.
Let the curse be
On Durwood Stephens.
Make the future be the present.
And zing it.
To the dum-dum peasant
[♪]
DARRIN:
Samantha!
Sweetheart, what is it?
What's the...? Ah!
[♪]
Well.
Say something.
Oh, Mother.
Is that all you can say?
You look, uh, very handsome.
Uh, for your age.
Oh.
[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Sam, this is absolutely
and without question
the most abominable,
most atrocious trick
your mother
has ever pulled on me.
Oh, be patient, sweetheart.
I'm trying to get her back.
Brock of owl's eye
Smerge of eel...
Will you stop with the corny
incantations and do something?
Well, there's nothing I can do.
She's the only...
I don't want excuses.
I want the old me back.
[♪]
I mean the young me.
Darrin, I know
how angry you are with...
My feelings for your mother
go beyond anger.
Now, I mean, anyone who could
do this thing is sick.
I can't believe it.
You know, actually,
you carry your age very well.
Thanks a lot.
[♪]
At least I still got
my own teeth.
Darrin, will you
stop looking at yourself?
I'm trying.
Now, you have got to get
your mind off yourself.
Let's go to a nice, dark movie.
Well, suppose we meet somebody
in the nice, bright lobby?
How about
a drive-in movie?
I guess anything's better
than waiting around here.
But didn't we have a date
to play bridge with the Tates?
I'll get us out of it.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON FILM]
[HOOFBEATS]
[GUNSHOTS]
Darrin.
I'm sorry.
[MAN YELLS]
MAN: There will be a
10-minute intermission
before the start
of the main feature.
The refreshment stand
is now open.
I'll go get us some...
You'll go get us some hot dogs.
Your aunt. Why couldn't
you take her to the movies?
Because these drive-ins
are crawling with mashers.
You should be so lucky.
Funny.
I don't know how I'm gonna
sit through that movie again.
I hated it the first time.
Excuse me. Oh.
Oh.
Hi there.
Hello, Sam.
If you didn't want
to play bridge,
you should've said so.
You didn't have to make up that
story about Darrin being sick.
Oh, but he is.
Well... Well, he was asleep.
Uh, so I just decided to go out.
Well, uh, s-somebody dropped in
from... From out of town.
And as long as Darrin
was asleep...
Well, uh, these hot dogs
are getting cold. Bye.
Well, well, well, well.
She leaves a sick husband
and goes to a drive-in
with somebody
who just dropped in
from out of town.
Darrin, here.
Let's go.
Where?
To see who her date is.
You'll never guess
who I ran into.
DARRIN:
Oh, I can guess.
LARRY:
Hi there.
Oh, well, uh...
H-Hi, again.
Oh, I-I'd like
you to meet...
Darrin's grandfather, Grover.
Grover Stephens.
This is Louise and Larry Tate.
Larry is Darrin's boss.
Oh. Howdy, kids.
W-What you staring at,
young fellow?
I thought Darrin told me
you had...
Gone to the great beyond?
[LAUGHS]
Ah, that boy
never gets anything right.
[GIGGLES]
It was my wife.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what I'm thinking?
I hope so.
It was a real pleasure
meeting you, sir.
Bye.
See you soon.
Bye.
What'd he mean by that?
"Bye"
is short for "goodbye."
No, no, no.
What did she mean when she said,
"You know what I'm thinking?"
And what did he mean
when he said, "I hope so"?
Darrin, you're overwrought.
Here. Eat your hot dog.
I have got bad vibrations
about this.
LARRY:
Hello again.
And for a good reason.
Aunt Millicent, heh, I want you
to meet, uh, Samantha
and Grover Stephens,
her husband's grandfather.
Hi, Grover.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
You may call me Millicent.
Samantha, you can do us
a big favor.
Um, Larry and I
have seen this picture before
and... And he's getting
this migraine headache...
Oh, well, then, I don't see why
we just don't all go home.
LARRY: Uh, because it's
not necessary, Millicent.
I'm sure Sam and Grover
won't mind
if you join them for the movie.
Well,
I wouldn't want to intrude.
It wouldn't be an intrusion.
Would it, Sam?
This is real sweet of you, Sam.
Well, thank you, Grover.
Grover.
You can drop Millicent off
at our house on your way home.
LOUISE:
You have fun now.
[CHUCKLES] That's it.
Now, you behave yourself,
you two.
Oh.
Bye.
Couldn't you persuade Grover
to come in for just a minute?
We haven't had a chance
to say two words to each other.
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
Where's Grover?
He's sitting in the car.
Well, have him come in.
Just for a cup of coffee.
Coffee keeps him awake.
Oh, well, then cocoa.
Cocoa puts him to sleep.
Then tea.
Yes, yes.
[♪]
Come on in, Grover,
just for a few minutes.
We'll have a cup of tea.
I won't take no for an answer.
How'd you like the movie,
old-timer?
Passable, for a talkie.
[♪]
I can't believe it.
What are you staring at, sonny?
The way you straightened
that picture.
You know, your grandson, Darrin,
does exactly the same thing
every time
he walks into this room.
Compulsive neatness
runs in the family.
It's scary.
How do you like your tea?
Stop yelling at me.
Cream or lemon?
I'll have my tea with brandy.
With brandy?
Okay, forget the tea.
Just the brandy,
and make it a double.
Make that two, Lawrence.
Sam?
I'm driving.
I like a boy who takes
a nip now and then.
Aunt Millicent.
Well, I do.
A man who has a taste for brandy
has a taste for life.
So you live in Montana, Grover.
What city?
Butte.
Butte?
Well, isn't that a mindblower?
One of my favorite spots
used to be Matthew's.
On Front Street?
Yes, indeedy.
I stopped by there
just last week.
Well,
it was torn down last year.
Uh, uh...
Grandpa loves to look
at excavations.
Samantha, I think
we should make a break for it.
Okay, Grandpa. Up we go.
Now, stop calling him
"Grandpa."
You make him sound so old.
I'm aging fast.
Believe me.
That's downer talk, Grover.
You're still
a groovy-looking boy.
Louise, I just had a great idea.
You know my meeting
tomorrow night?
What meeting?
My meeting. My meeting.
The meeting I can't miss.
Oh, that meeting.
Well, I can't miss the meeting.
No point in letting
the tickets go to waste.
Why not give this groovy-looking
boy and this far-out chick
our theater tickets
for tomorrow night?
Well, now,
don't be pushy, Lawrence.
If Grover wants to ask me out,
I guess he can speak
for himself.
It's a great musical, Grover.
Uh, the truth is...
I've seen it.
What do you mean you've seen it?
I haven't even told you
the name of it yet.
What... What Grandpa means is...
Is that they...
They get all the road companies
in Butte.
He's seen them all.
Well, he hasn't seen this one
because tomorrow
is opening night.
[♪]
How did I let myself
be talked into it?
Look at the bright side
of things, sweetheart.
It's supposed to be
a great musical.
Don't even joke about it, Sam.
I am not going out
with that overaged hippie.
Mother, a-a joke is a joke.
Now, when I snap my fingers,
I want you to appear
front and center.
[♪]
ENDORA: Is the novelty beginning
to wear off, Samantha?
Mother, where are you?
Is the novelty beginning
to wear off, Samantha?
Mother, you better materialize
this instant.
This is a recording.
Funny.
[♪]
Well...
[♪]
Sam, I am coming very close
to the end of my breakfast
and the end of my rope.
Say something.
Something.
Sam.
Just as soon as
I get in touch with Mother,
you're going to hear plenty.
"Soon" in your crowd could mean
a hundred years from now.
I need a face transplant
by lunchtime.
Couldn't you postpone the lunch?
Impossible.
This is my first meeting
with Booker.
He's on his way to Europe
and will only be in town
for a couple of hours.
So if I don't sell him at lunch,
it's goodbye, account.
You are not going to let Mother
get away with this.
You are going to that meeting.
How am I going to that meeting?
Just get in your car and go.
Well, you... You said
this is your first meeting
with Booker, right?
Now, I mean, he's never met you,
and you've never met him. Right?
Right.
Then what's the problem?
If he doesn't know
what you look like,
what's the difference
what you look like?
[♪]
Um,
a Mr. Jennings Booker here?
[♪]
Ah, thank you.
Booker?
Yeah?
I'm Stephens.
Stephens?
W-Why do you say it that way?
It's a good old American name.
You were expecting me,
weren't you?
Heh.
Well, not exactly.
I don't know
where I got the impression
that you'd be a younger man.
Yes, I do. From Tate,
who said he was assigning
young Stephens to the account.
[LAUGHS]
He always calls me
"young Stephens."
Because I am young.
In here and in here,
where it counts.
Now, let's see
how the cookie crumbles.
Beau Geste is a line
of toiletries
that appeals
to the 18- to 25-year age group.
Now,
our motivational research...
Mr. Stephens?
Mm. Yes?
There is a call for you, sir.
Oh, the... Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Booker.
[♪]
Uh, thank you, sonny.
Hello.
Oh, sweetheart.
I've been so worried.
How's it going?
As well as can be expected.
Has Endora shown up yet?
No, but... But I'm tossing
incantations all over the place.
Well, keep at it.
I'd better get back
to the table.
My board meeting ended early,
Mr. Booker.
And I thought
I'd join you fellas
and see if I could help out.
On second thought,
I'd better not.
What is it?
Larry has just walked
into the restaurant,
and he's talking to Booker.
Sam, what am I gonna do?
You'll think of something.
I'm thinking
of cutting my wrists.
Darrin, don't panic.
Sam, I've gotta make a move.
You have an idea?
Now, don't misunderstand me,
Tate.
I admire you
for keeping your employees on
beyond the age of retirement.
I'm not sure I follow you.
Mm-hm.
I'll do it.
Now, hold on. Are...?
Are we talking about
the same Darrin Stephens?
Yes.
Age 70, bald head, mustache,
slightly hunched over.
That is not, I repeat,
not Darrin Stephens.
Then who is it?
I haven't the vaguest idea.
But I'm going to find out.
There he is.
That's him.
Hi, kids.
That's him?
That's Grover Stephens,
Darrin's grandfather.
That's me.
Now, look, old-timer, I've been
brought up to respect old age,
and it isn't really
very nice of you
to pass yourself off as Darrin.
Now, what's everybody getting
so het up about?
Darrin got up this morning
with an infected throat
that... That could destroy
the city.
What could the kid do?
He could've called the office.
Whatever for when I'm available?
Mr. Booker,
I must apologize...
We forgive you, Lawrence,
so just hush up.
Let's get cracking.
The kid filled me in
as much as he could.
Now, let's put this
in the gas tank
and see how far it takes us.
What I had in mind was
a saturation campaign
for television.
Uh, fade in.
Interior, bathroom.
A nice-looking boy with glasses,
the shy type,
uh, has just finished shaving.
For the first time
in his life, he...
He picks up
a bottle of Beau Geste
and dabs a little on his face.
And boom!
The bathroom becomes the Sahara.
The boy turns into a member
of the French Foreign Legion.
He's right in the middle
of a battle.
But here's the switch:
He's fighting off girls.
Not bad for an old geezer, huh?
[CHUCKLES] You son of a gun.
[♪]
And when I finished
my presentation,
Beau Geste
was in my back pocket.
That's my old man.
I bet Larry was thrilled.
He offered to make me
Darrin's supervisor.
[GIGGLES]
You hear that, Mother?
No matter what you do,
things seem to work out.
So why don't you undo
your thing?
That stubborn old witch
will never...
Uh, Da...
Darrin, name-calling
is not going to help.
Now, I know that Mother
can behave badly at times,
but deep down, she's...
She's...
Rotten.
If you don't mind,
call Larry and tell him
the date with Millicent is off.
Grandpa has been called home
on an emergency.
Oh, sweetheart, that would
break Millicent's heart.
She'll get over me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[♪]
LARRY: Hi, Sam.
Well, what a surprise.
LARRY: Thought we'd save Grover a
trip and bring Millicent over here.
We came early so I'd have
a chance to tell Darrin
what a great job his grandfather
did this afternoon.
Well, you c... You can't.
He's sound asleep.
LOUISE:
Oh, how's he feeling?
Well, he's feeling better,
but he doesn't look so good.
Oh, well, he'll be all right.
Grover, you were great
this afternoon.
Absolutely brilliant.
Darrin briefed me.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Grover.
Ah, you may be proud,
Millicent, but I'm bushed.
I'm afraid I just can't
make our date tonight.
Oh, Grover. Oh.
Oh... Oh, well,
I-I'm sure you understand.
It's... It's all that
business activity.
Uh... Uh, Grandpa
just wants to relax
in front of the television set.
Oh, well, I'm sure
Aunt Millicent doesn't care
one way or the other,
as long as they're together.
I guess you'd like a drink.
I'll go get some more ice.
Excuse me.
[♪]
[♪]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[IN SAMANTHA'S VOICE] Will
someone answer the door, please?
LARRY:
I'll get it.
[LAUGHING]
Yes?
[IN NASAL VOICE] Is that the way
you folks out here say hello?
Hi there.
Hello.
Hi.
What's the matter, Grover?
Cat got your tongue?
Uh, h-hello there.
Forgot my name so soon?
Well, you can't really
blame him, dearie.
We've only been married
53 years.
Married?
Married?
Married?
You can't say it too often.
He needs reminding.
Married?
[GASPS]
Okay, hot lips,
I'm giving you one more chance.
And if I catch you
messing around again,
I'm going home to Mother.
All I was gonna do
was watch wrestling with her.
You poor kid.
He was pulling the old
wrestling bit on you, hm?
And what is that
supposed to mean?
First, you watch wrestling
and then he challenges you
to a little match on the sofa.
Why...
Louise, take me home.
Oh! You degenerate.
A man your age,
carrying on like that.
[TSKING]
And congratulations.
[♪]
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
Sam, I-is that really you
in there?
[IN SAMANTHA'S VOICE] You bet
your old-age pension it is.
Sam.
Okay, hot lips.
But I'm giving you
one more chance.
And if I catch you
messing around again,
I'm going home to Mother.
[♪]
[♪]
Sweetheart,
no matter how atrocious
and abominable
my mother might behave,
she always comes to her senses.
Eventually.
Usually.
That's not what
I'm worried about.
It isn't?
No.
Being turned
into Rip Van Wrinkle
for a couple of days
to satisfy your mother's
warped sense of humor
isn't half as bad
as wondering what's gonna happen
when I really do grow old.
I mean, well,
what's it gonna look like?
This old goat
with that young chick.
[♪]
Simple. We'll grow old together.
But witches don't grow old
at the same pace as...
Witches can do anything
they want to do.
And I love you.
So this young chick
and that old goat
will look like a matched set.
How about a little preview?
How's that?
[♪]
I can't tell.
Pucker up.
You're an oldie but a goody.
[GIGGLES]
And as far as I'm concerned,
you're still the sexiest thing
that ever lived.
I can't stand it!
Mother.
Oh, it's ridiculous
having a daughter
who looks twice my age.
Now, you change
yourself at once.
No.
I am gonna stay this way
as long as Darrin
stays that way.
Stubborn.
Okay, Mother?
ENDORA:
Okay.
One, two...
Witch's honor?
[SCOFFS]
Witch's honor.
One, two, three.
Thank you, Mother, dear.
Now, as for you, Endora...
Please, Darwood.
Excessive gratitude
always embarrasses me.
[♪]
Now, uh, where were we?
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
[GASPS]
Mother,
what are you doing in there?
I want to talk to you.
Is, uh,
what's-his-name around?
What's-his-n...
Uh, Darrin is playing golf.
Good.
Ooh!
But he'll be home soon.
Oh, that's bad
because I have an invitation
from your old friend Rollo
to join us
at the Cosmos Cotillion
for the costume ball
to end all costume balls.
Well, it... It sounds
fascinating, Mother,
but I have
more important things to do.
Like what?
Well,
I have to peel the potatoes,
chop the onions,
slice the carrots
and season my leg of lamb.
Ugh.
Samantha,
I have failed you as a mother.
Mother.
DARRIN:
I did it. I did it.
Hooray!
Sam, I did it. I...
Oh. Hi.
S-Sam, you'll...
You'll never believe...
You'll never believe this,
but I-I've finally
broken through.
Isn't the expression
"broken out"?
Sam, I finally broke 80.
Oh, sweetheart, that's terrific.
Eighty what?
Oh, n-nothing, Mother.
Oh.
I'll tell you about it
after your mother leaves.
Oh, and Endora, no offense,
but I think you need a shave.
Ooh.
Mother, please.
Oh.
Samantha, forgive me,
but when I think
of what you gave up
to marry a man
who spends his Sundays
breaking 80 nothings,
I could cry.
Oh, well,
save your tears, Mother.
I am perfectly happy
with Darrin.
That's only because
the creature is still a novelty.
I'll be happy with him
if I live to be 3000.
You can change your mind
many times
in 3000 years, Samantha.
Heaven knows I did.
But what about 30 years
from now,
when whatever dubious charms
he has wrinkle up?
Mother, will you do me a favor?
Go to your ball,
give Rollo my best,
and let me see to my dinner.
You'll see more
than to your dinner.
What's that supposed to me...?
M-Mother?
Mother?
Odds plus odds Add up to evens.
Let the curse be
On Durwood Stephens.
Make the future be the present.
And zing it.
To the dum-dum peasant
[♪]
DARRIN:
Samantha!
Sweetheart, what is it?
What's the...? Ah!
[♪]
Well.
Say something.
Oh, Mother.
Is that all you can say?
You look, uh, very handsome.
Uh, for your age.
Oh.
[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Sam, this is absolutely
and without question
the most abominable,
most atrocious trick
your mother
has ever pulled on me.
Oh, be patient, sweetheart.
I'm trying to get her back.
Brock of owl's eye
Smerge of eel...
Will you stop with the corny
incantations and do something?
Well, there's nothing I can do.
She's the only...
I don't want excuses.
I want the old me back.
[♪]
I mean the young me.
Darrin, I know
how angry you are with...
My feelings for your mother
go beyond anger.
Now, I mean, anyone who could
do this thing is sick.
I can't believe it.
You know, actually,
you carry your age very well.
Thanks a lot.
[♪]
At least I still got
my own teeth.
Darrin, will you
stop looking at yourself?
I'm trying.
Now, you have got to get
your mind off yourself.
Let's go to a nice, dark movie.
Well, suppose we meet somebody
in the nice, bright lobby?
How about
a drive-in movie?
I guess anything's better
than waiting around here.
But didn't we have a date
to play bridge with the Tates?
I'll get us out of it.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON FILM]
[HOOFBEATS]
[GUNSHOTS]
Darrin.
I'm sorry.
[MAN YELLS]
MAN: There will be a
10-minute intermission
before the start
of the main feature.
The refreshment stand
is now open.
I'll go get us some...
You'll go get us some hot dogs.
Your aunt. Why couldn't
you take her to the movies?
Because these drive-ins
are crawling with mashers.
You should be so lucky.
Funny.
I don't know how I'm gonna
sit through that movie again.
I hated it the first time.
Excuse me. Oh.
Oh.
Hi there.
Hello, Sam.
If you didn't want
to play bridge,
you should've said so.
You didn't have to make up that
story about Darrin being sick.
Oh, but he is.
Well... Well, he was asleep.
Uh, so I just decided to go out.
Well, uh, s-somebody dropped in
from... From out of town.
And as long as Darrin
was asleep...
Well, uh, these hot dogs
are getting cold. Bye.
Well, well, well, well.
She leaves a sick husband
and goes to a drive-in
with somebody
who just dropped in
from out of town.
Darrin, here.
Let's go.
Where?
To see who her date is.
You'll never guess
who I ran into.
DARRIN:
Oh, I can guess.
LARRY:
Hi there.
Oh, well, uh...
H-Hi, again.
Oh, I-I'd like
you to meet...
Darrin's grandfather, Grover.
Grover Stephens.
This is Louise and Larry Tate.
Larry is Darrin's boss.
Oh. Howdy, kids.
W-What you staring at,
young fellow?
I thought Darrin told me
you had...
Gone to the great beyond?
[LAUGHS]
Ah, that boy
never gets anything right.
[GIGGLES]
It was my wife.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what I'm thinking?
I hope so.
It was a real pleasure
meeting you, sir.
Bye.
See you soon.
Bye.
What'd he mean by that?
"Bye"
is short for "goodbye."
No, no, no.
What did she mean when she said,
"You know what I'm thinking?"
And what did he mean
when he said, "I hope so"?
Darrin, you're overwrought.
Here. Eat your hot dog.
I have got bad vibrations
about this.
LARRY:
Hello again.
And for a good reason.
Aunt Millicent, heh, I want you
to meet, uh, Samantha
and Grover Stephens,
her husband's grandfather.
Hi, Grover.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
You may call me Millicent.
Samantha, you can do us
a big favor.
Um, Larry and I
have seen this picture before
and... And he's getting
this migraine headache...
Oh, well, then, I don't see why
we just don't all go home.
LARRY: Uh, because it's
not necessary, Millicent.
I'm sure Sam and Grover
won't mind
if you join them for the movie.
Well,
I wouldn't want to intrude.
It wouldn't be an intrusion.
Would it, Sam?
This is real sweet of you, Sam.
Well, thank you, Grover.
Grover.
You can drop Millicent off
at our house on your way home.
LOUISE:
You have fun now.
[CHUCKLES] That's it.
Now, you behave yourself,
you two.
Oh.
Bye.
Couldn't you persuade Grover
to come in for just a minute?
We haven't had a chance
to say two words to each other.
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
Where's Grover?
He's sitting in the car.
Well, have him come in.
Just for a cup of coffee.
Coffee keeps him awake.
Oh, well, then cocoa.
Cocoa puts him to sleep.
Then tea.
Yes, yes.
[♪]
Come on in, Grover,
just for a few minutes.
We'll have a cup of tea.
I won't take no for an answer.
How'd you like the movie,
old-timer?
Passable, for a talkie.
[♪]
I can't believe it.
What are you staring at, sonny?
The way you straightened
that picture.
You know, your grandson, Darrin,
does exactly the same thing
every time
he walks into this room.
Compulsive neatness
runs in the family.
It's scary.
How do you like your tea?
Stop yelling at me.
Cream or lemon?
I'll have my tea with brandy.
With brandy?
Okay, forget the tea.
Just the brandy,
and make it a double.
Make that two, Lawrence.
Sam?
I'm driving.
I like a boy who takes
a nip now and then.
Aunt Millicent.
Well, I do.
A man who has a taste for brandy
has a taste for life.
So you live in Montana, Grover.
What city?
Butte.
Butte?
Well, isn't that a mindblower?
One of my favorite spots
used to be Matthew's.
On Front Street?
Yes, indeedy.
I stopped by there
just last week.
Well,
it was torn down last year.
Uh, uh...
Grandpa loves to look
at excavations.
Samantha, I think
we should make a break for it.
Okay, Grandpa. Up we go.
Now, stop calling him
"Grandpa."
You make him sound so old.
I'm aging fast.
Believe me.
That's downer talk, Grover.
You're still
a groovy-looking boy.
Louise, I just had a great idea.
You know my meeting
tomorrow night?
What meeting?
My meeting. My meeting.
The meeting I can't miss.
Oh, that meeting.
Well, I can't miss the meeting.
No point in letting
the tickets go to waste.
Why not give this groovy-looking
boy and this far-out chick
our theater tickets
for tomorrow night?
Well, now,
don't be pushy, Lawrence.
If Grover wants to ask me out,
I guess he can speak
for himself.
It's a great musical, Grover.
Uh, the truth is...
I've seen it.
What do you mean you've seen it?
I haven't even told you
the name of it yet.
What... What Grandpa means is...
Is that they...
They get all the road companies
in Butte.
He's seen them all.
Well, he hasn't seen this one
because tomorrow
is opening night.
[♪]
How did I let myself
be talked into it?
Look at the bright side
of things, sweetheart.
It's supposed to be
a great musical.
Don't even joke about it, Sam.
I am not going out
with that overaged hippie.
Mother, a-a joke is a joke.
Now, when I snap my fingers,
I want you to appear
front and center.
[♪]
ENDORA: Is the novelty beginning
to wear off, Samantha?
Mother, where are you?
Is the novelty beginning
to wear off, Samantha?
Mother, you better materialize
this instant.
This is a recording.
Funny.
[♪]
Well...
[♪]
Sam, I am coming very close
to the end of my breakfast
and the end of my rope.
Say something.
Something.
Sam.
Just as soon as
I get in touch with Mother,
you're going to hear plenty.
"Soon" in your crowd could mean
a hundred years from now.
I need a face transplant
by lunchtime.
Couldn't you postpone the lunch?
Impossible.
This is my first meeting
with Booker.
He's on his way to Europe
and will only be in town
for a couple of hours.
So if I don't sell him at lunch,
it's goodbye, account.
You are not going to let Mother
get away with this.
You are going to that meeting.
How am I going to that meeting?
Just get in your car and go.
Well, you... You said
this is your first meeting
with Booker, right?
Now, I mean, he's never met you,
and you've never met him. Right?
Right.
Then what's the problem?
If he doesn't know
what you look like,
what's the difference
what you look like?
[♪]
Um,
a Mr. Jennings Booker here?
[♪]
Ah, thank you.
Booker?
Yeah?
I'm Stephens.
Stephens?
W-Why do you say it that way?
It's a good old American name.
You were expecting me,
weren't you?
Heh.
Well, not exactly.
I don't know
where I got the impression
that you'd be a younger man.
Yes, I do. From Tate,
who said he was assigning
young Stephens to the account.
[LAUGHS]
He always calls me
"young Stephens."
Because I am young.
In here and in here,
where it counts.
Now, let's see
how the cookie crumbles.
Beau Geste is a line
of toiletries
that appeals
to the 18- to 25-year age group.
Now,
our motivational research...
Mr. Stephens?
Mm. Yes?
There is a call for you, sir.
Oh, the... Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Booker.
[♪]
Uh, thank you, sonny.
Hello.
Oh, sweetheart.
I've been so worried.
How's it going?
As well as can be expected.
Has Endora shown up yet?
No, but... But I'm tossing
incantations all over the place.
Well, keep at it.
I'd better get back
to the table.
My board meeting ended early,
Mr. Booker.
And I thought
I'd join you fellas
and see if I could help out.
On second thought,
I'd better not.
What is it?
Larry has just walked
into the restaurant,
and he's talking to Booker.
Sam, what am I gonna do?
You'll think of something.
I'm thinking
of cutting my wrists.
Darrin, don't panic.
Sam, I've gotta make a move.
You have an idea?
Now, don't misunderstand me,
Tate.
I admire you
for keeping your employees on
beyond the age of retirement.
I'm not sure I follow you.
Mm-hm.
I'll do it.
Now, hold on. Are...?
Are we talking about
the same Darrin Stephens?
Yes.
Age 70, bald head, mustache,
slightly hunched over.
That is not, I repeat,
not Darrin Stephens.
Then who is it?
I haven't the vaguest idea.
But I'm going to find out.
There he is.
That's him.
Hi, kids.
That's him?
That's Grover Stephens,
Darrin's grandfather.
That's me.
Now, look, old-timer, I've been
brought up to respect old age,
and it isn't really
very nice of you
to pass yourself off as Darrin.
Now, what's everybody getting
so het up about?
Darrin got up this morning
with an infected throat
that... That could destroy
the city.
What could the kid do?
He could've called the office.
Whatever for when I'm available?
Mr. Booker,
I must apologize...
We forgive you, Lawrence,
so just hush up.
Let's get cracking.
The kid filled me in
as much as he could.
Now, let's put this
in the gas tank
and see how far it takes us.
What I had in mind was
a saturation campaign
for television.
Uh, fade in.
Interior, bathroom.
A nice-looking boy with glasses,
the shy type,
uh, has just finished shaving.
For the first time
in his life, he...
He picks up
a bottle of Beau Geste
and dabs a little on his face.
And boom!
The bathroom becomes the Sahara.
The boy turns into a member
of the French Foreign Legion.
He's right in the middle
of a battle.
But here's the switch:
He's fighting off girls.
Not bad for an old geezer, huh?
[CHUCKLES] You son of a gun.
[♪]
And when I finished
my presentation,
Beau Geste
was in my back pocket.
That's my old man.
I bet Larry was thrilled.
He offered to make me
Darrin's supervisor.
[GIGGLES]
You hear that, Mother?
No matter what you do,
things seem to work out.
So why don't you undo
your thing?
That stubborn old witch
will never...
Uh, Da...
Darrin, name-calling
is not going to help.
Now, I know that Mother
can behave badly at times,
but deep down, she's...
She's...
Rotten.
If you don't mind,
call Larry and tell him
the date with Millicent is off.
Grandpa has been called home
on an emergency.
Oh, sweetheart, that would
break Millicent's heart.
She'll get over me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[♪]
LARRY: Hi, Sam.
Well, what a surprise.
LARRY: Thought we'd save Grover a
trip and bring Millicent over here.
We came early so I'd have
a chance to tell Darrin
what a great job his grandfather
did this afternoon.
Well, you c... You can't.
He's sound asleep.
LOUISE:
Oh, how's he feeling?
Well, he's feeling better,
but he doesn't look so good.
Oh, well, he'll be all right.
Grover, you were great
this afternoon.
Absolutely brilliant.
Darrin briefed me.
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Grover.
Ah, you may be proud,
Millicent, but I'm bushed.
I'm afraid I just can't
make our date tonight.
Oh, Grover. Oh.
Oh... Oh, well,
I-I'm sure you understand.
It's... It's all that
business activity.
Uh... Uh, Grandpa
just wants to relax
in front of the television set.
Oh, well, I'm sure
Aunt Millicent doesn't care
one way or the other,
as long as they're together.
I guess you'd like a drink.
I'll go get some more ice.
Excuse me.
[♪]
[♪]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[IN SAMANTHA'S VOICE] Will
someone answer the door, please?
LARRY:
I'll get it.
[LAUGHING]
Yes?
[IN NASAL VOICE] Is that the way
you folks out here say hello?
Hi there.
Hello.
Hi.
What's the matter, Grover?
Cat got your tongue?
Uh, h-hello there.
Forgot my name so soon?
Well, you can't really
blame him, dearie.
We've only been married
53 years.
Married?
Married?
Married?
You can't say it too often.
He needs reminding.
Married?
[GASPS]
Okay, hot lips,
I'm giving you one more chance.
And if I catch you
messing around again,
I'm going home to Mother.
All I was gonna do
was watch wrestling with her.
You poor kid.
He was pulling the old
wrestling bit on you, hm?
And what is that
supposed to mean?
First, you watch wrestling
and then he challenges you
to a little match on the sofa.
Why...
Louise, take me home.
Oh! You degenerate.
A man your age,
carrying on like that.
[TSKING]
And congratulations.
[♪]
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
Sam, I-is that really you
in there?
[IN SAMANTHA'S VOICE] You bet
your old-age pension it is.
Sam.
Okay, hot lips.
But I'm giving you
one more chance.
And if I catch you
messing around again,
I'm going home to Mother.
[♪]
[♪]
Sweetheart,
no matter how atrocious
and abominable
my mother might behave,
she always comes to her senses.
Eventually.
Usually.
That's not what
I'm worried about.
It isn't?
No.
Being turned
into Rip Van Wrinkle
for a couple of days
to satisfy your mother's
warped sense of humor
isn't half as bad
as wondering what's gonna happen
when I really do grow old.
I mean, well,
what's it gonna look like?
This old goat
with that young chick.
[♪]
Simple. We'll grow old together.
But witches don't grow old
at the same pace as...
Witches can do anything
they want to do.
And I love you.
So this young chick
and that old goat
will look like a matched set.
How about a little preview?
How's that?
[♪]
I can't tell.
Pucker up.
You're an oldie but a goody.
[GIGGLES]
And as far as I'm concerned,
you're still the sexiest thing
that ever lived.
I can't stand it!
Mother.
Oh, it's ridiculous
having a daughter
who looks twice my age.
Now, you change
yourself at once.
No.
I am gonna stay this way
as long as Darrin
stays that way.
Stubborn.
Okay, Mother?
ENDORA:
Okay.
One, two...
Witch's honor?
[SCOFFS]
Witch's honor.
One, two, three.
Thank you, Mother, dear.
Now, as for you, Endora...
Please, Darwood.
Excessive gratitude
always embarrasses me.
[♪]
Now, uh, where were we?
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]