Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 6, Episode 9 - Samantha's Secret Spell - full transcript

Oh, Samantha, I'm so glad I found you in.

Good morning, Mother.
How many guesses do I get?

It's for a masquerade party
that the duchess is throwing.

Sam, I haven't got much time for breakfast,
so skip the eggs and...

And skip the breakfast, too.
Good morning, Endora.

You simply must come with me.

It'll be your first vacation
since the baby arrived.

- Mother, Darrin said good morning.
- Who?

Oh, him. Hurry, darling, or we'll be late.

I'll forgive your rudeness, Endora.
I know you're just being yourself.

There is an annoying vibration
somewhere in this house,



and I wish it would go away.

Now, we are all supposed
to dress as nursery rhymes.

I'm going as the Knave of Hearts,
but I must find a mask.

- What's wrong with the one you're wearing?
- If you don't zip your lip...

- May I remind you that...
- I will.

Mother, you unzip him immediately.

Certainly.

As soon as we decide what costume
you are going to wear to the ball.

I refuse even to discuss it
until you remove that.

Oh, drat!

And that's final, you old...

- Darrin!
- What was that?

I am sick and tired of your mother's
barging in here unannounced.

Now, the Constitution guarantees



each man the right to protect his home
against invaders.

So hear this and hear it good.

Your mother is no longer welcome
in this house!

Darrin, you can't do that to Mother.

- I can and I will.
- But...

And that's final!

Mother...

Now, Mother,
you're not gonna lose your temper, are you?

You are going to lose your temper.

Mother, you have to remember
that Darrin is a man,

a mortal man with a mortal man's pride.
And you've wounded him once too often.

You say he's a man?

- I say he's a mouse.
- That's not true.

We'll see.

What do you mean by that?

I'll give him until midnight
to withdraw his ultimatum.

If he does, he's a man.
If he doesn't, he's a mouse.

You... You wouldn't dare!

- Permanently.
- You would.

Excuse me.

Hi, cutie. Didn't hear you come in.

Hello. Esmeralda sent me.

What can I do for you?
Got some good specials today.

Eye of newt, half price.

Bats' toenails, 20 off.

Well, thanks, but...

What I'm looking for is an anti-spell,

one that will prevent my husband
from being changed into a mouse.

Might have just the thing.

Yeah. It's right over here.

I picked this up from
a witch doctor in Tanganyika.

Will it ward off a bad spell?

Come to think of it,
didn't do too much for the witch doctor.

I got this from his estate.

We'd better take a look in the big book.

It's right over here.

There.

Now let's see.

Oh, yeah. Here it is.

"Spell to prevent subject
from being turned into mouse."

You're kidding.

Well, they don't put out a book this size
for nothing.

Now, I remember now.

It's a three-parter.

"To void the spell, the subject tries
to touch a buffalo between the eyes.

"Next, while underwater he
must drink a potion given thee."

- While underwater?
- While underwater.

"To the last of the three, listen and hark.

"He must fly over water by day in the...

- "In the dark"?
- In the dark.

Well, I might be able to swing the buffalo,

but how do you get someone
to drink a potion underwater,

or fly by day in the dark?

I don't know. But every time you
do it right, you'll hear a bell.

- It's impossible.
- Well, it ain't easy.

Especially since it's got to be done
without the subject's knowledge.

Out of the question.

You're not allowed to
use witchcraft neither.

- Might as well forget it.
- Yeah, well, might be best.

Ain't the worst thing
being married to a mouse.

Okay, wrap it up.

Only one word for these layouts of yours,
sensational.

You really like them?

No, I'm just saying that
to get on your good side.

Thanks, Larry.

Darrin, I'm going to institute
absolute security on this material.

Frazer and Kolten are not only going to
give us stiff competition

for the Illinois Meatpackers account,

but I happen to know
that they'll do anything

to get a look at our campaign proposals.

- Do you really think they'd try to steal them?
- I'm not taking any chances.

Well, Larry, before you close that

could I get a look at the ideas
the other guys came up with?

I hope you won't misunderstand,

but when I say security,
I mean complete security.

That's why I divided the assignment
between the three of you.

Isn't that a little silly?
I mean, I have a key to that cabinet, too.

I know. Let me have it.

I'm surprised
you didn't hire a security guard.

He'll be here this afternoon.

Yes? I'll tell him.

Sam's here with Tabitha.
Shall I have them come in?

What?

You'd let two security risks like that come
within striking distance of the master plan?

Okay, okay. I guess I did go
a little overboard. Keep your key.

No, Larry, I want you to have it.

- I don't want it.
- Larry, here.

Keep it. And that's an order.

"To void the spell, the subject tries
to touch a buffalo between the eyes."

I have a buffalo in my animal book.

Yes, I know you do, sweetheart.

And if we can get Daddy
to take us to the zoo,

you're gonna meet one in person.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, there.

- Can you, Daddy?
- Can I what?

Well, we were gonna have lunch at the zoo,
and we were hoping you could join us.

No chance. I got work to catch up on.

- Well, you have to eat anyway.
- I'm having a sandwich sent in.

I have an idea.

Why not eat the sandwich on the way,
and it'll save time?

Samantha, you're not making much sense.

Well, it's just that
Tabitha's looking forward to it.

Aren't you, sweetheart?

- Well, you can go without me, can't you?
- No. It wouldn't be the same.

Darrin, can I borrow your key
to the washroom?

Betty isn't at her desk. I'm sorry.

That's okay. Ralph, this is my wife,
Samantha, and my daughter, Tabitha.

- Ralph Jackman.
- How do you do?

Say, am I glad to meet you finally.

I've been trying to get Darrin here to let
me propose him for membership in our lodge.

Yes, I think I remember
him mentioning that.

We're a service organisation,
and we do some very charitable work.

And we're pretty choosy about who we let in
to the Loyal and Exalted Order of Buffalos.

Well, it certainly sounds like
a worthwhile organisation.

Yes, Ralph. I promise you
I'll think about it very, very seriously.

I don't want to leave you
with the wrong impression.

We really have a ball.
Bowling, picnics, parties...

- Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun.
- It is.

Excuse me, but you seem to have
a little smudge right there.

No, no. You didn't quite. May I?

Do you have some water?

That's all right.
I'm on my way to the washroom anyway.

Now, just get that little spot right there.

- Mommy, the doorbell rang.
- Doorbell?

Well, you never know. Maybe Larry
installed it as a security alarm.

Could be. Nice meeting you.

I'll drop these off on the way back.

- You think about the Buffalos.
- I will, Ralph.

Sam, I've gotta get back to work.
You have a good time at the zoo.

The zoo?
Well, I think we'll wait till you can go.

Darrin, you know,

you don't look too well.

I feel fine.

Well, there is something going around,
and you seem awfully pale.

There's nothing wrong with me.

That's what Ed Bigelow told his wife,
and he ended up in the hospital.

- Sam, he broke his leg.
- Exactly.

And I think you ought to come home,
just to be on the safe side.

Darrin...

I didn't know you were still here, Sam.
Hi, Tabitha.

Hi, Uncle Larry.

Did the boy genius tell you
about his latest triumph?

Larry, I'm glad you're here.
I think he's coming down with something.

- Sam...
- He does look kind of flushed.

She said I looked pale.

Pale one minute, flushed the next.
That's not good.

Darrin, we've gotta have you in good shape
for our pitch in Chicago.

- You'd better take the rest of the day off.
- I tell you, I feel okay.

I just don't understand why men think
it's a sign of weakness to be sick.

- I'm not sick!
- Goodbye, Darrin, and that's an order.

- What about the McKinley layouts?
- Take them to bed with you.

- Keep me posted, Sam.
- Sure, Larry.

Come on, Tabitha.
We're gonna take Daddy home.

"Next, while underwater he
must drink the potion given thee."

Now I have to get him into the bathtub.
Now, let's see.

Brother. Just stick this in here.

All I have to do is put the potion in there

and get him to stick his head
under the water.

This is ridiculous. It has to be done.

- How do you feel?
- Like a kidnap victim.

Sweetheart, about Mother
not coming to the house.

I'm not going to try and change your mind,
but have you changed your mind?

I have not.

- Then you better take a bath.
- What?

A nice, hot bath is just the thing
for what you've got.

Sam, I haven't got anything.

And if I did,
why risk making it worse by taking a bath?

And what have you got behind your back?

Medicine.

But I suppose you're going to argue
about taking that, too.

Now, if it'll make you happy,
I'll be glad to take it.

- You will?
- Yes.

- But you won't take a bath?
- No.

All right, sweetheart. Have it your way.

Okay. Open up.

- What's that for?
- What do you think? It's a chaser.

- There it is again.
- What's that?

That bell. The one we heard in the office.

Oh, sweetheart, your fever must
be up again. You're hearing things.

I asked for a plainclothes guard
because some of my employees

have been needling me
about my security measures.

I understand.

The papers we're trying to protect
are in this cabinet.

They may not look like much to you, but
they represent a potential fortune to us.

Now, there are only two
keys to this cabinet.

Mine and Mr Stephens',

who went home sick a few hours ago and...

They're gone.

Who did you say had the other key?

"To the last of the three, listen and hark.

"He must fly over water
by day in the dark."

If I get through this one,
it'll really be a miracle.

Oh, Darrin.

- What happened to your hand?
- Just a little burn. Nothing serious.

But now I do have a problem. I can't drive,
and I have to pick Serena up at the airport.

You're putting me on.
Since when do your relatives use planes?

Serena's on a new kick.

Doing things the mortal way.
Do you mind driving me?

Sam, I'm working. Can't she take a cab?

Well, you know she doesn't know anything
about cabs.

She knows about planes
but not about cabs?

Darrin, you're trying to be logical,

and where Serena is concerned,
that doesn't make sense.

What?

Are you going to drive me or not?
I have to be there in 20 minutes.

It's an hour's drive to the airport.

- I know how I can get there in time.
- You're not using witchcraft to fly there.

No, of course not.

But isn't there a helicopter service
from this town to the airport?

- Yes, but...
- Darrin, that's a marvellous idea.

Now, you get out the car.
I'll tell Esmeralda we're leaving.

Sam, is there something
you're not telling me?

Whatever gave you that idea?

I'm telling you. It's not possible
that Stephens could be responsible.

I've known him for years.
We've been friends, the best of friends.

Besides, he stands to receive a
substantial bonus if we grab this account.

Well, maybe they offered him a bigger one.

I wish you hadn't said that.

Mr Stephens isn't home,
but I spoke to someone, the maid I think,

and she said he's on
his way to the airport.

The airport?

- Samantha, may I ask you something?
- Sure.

How come you can't drive with that hand,
but you can knit with it?

Darrin, you're nitpicking.

- What are you knitting anyway?
- A ski hat.

That looks like one I've got.

Well, I know it looks like it,
but it's a different shape.

- What?
- Here, let me try it on for size.

- Sam, what are you doing?
- Just sit still.

- But I can't see a thing.
- I know. Let's just hope it works.

I heard that bell again, and music.

- Music?
- Yes, where'd it come from?

- I have an idea.
- What?

How about a sweater to go with your hat?

I checked with the passenger agent.
She wasn't on that plane.

Well, I guess it's just another one
of Serena's practical jokes.

Oh, yeah? Well, she owes us
for two round-trip helicopter fares.

Darrin, don't be petty. Let's go home.

- Oh, look. There's your friend, the Buffalo.
- Who?

Ralph.

Darrin.

Mrs Stephens.

I'm taking a quick trip
to visit my sister in Chicago.

Say, next week, why don't you come
to a meeting of the Buffalos?

Well, we...

Did I mention that
we have a ladies auxiliary?

That sounds fascinating.

Well, when I get back, we'll sit down,
and I'll give you all the details.

- Jet passenger service to Chicago...
- That's me.

- Now boarding at gate...
- Got to rush. Bye, now.

- Have a good trip.
- Thank you.

Funny, he didn't mention anything
this morning about going to Chicago.

Well, let's go.

- Larry!
- Sam.

- What are you doing here?
- Darrin, I have some bad news.

All of our proposals for the Illinois
Meatpackers account have been stolen.

- I don't believe it.
- That's terrible.

So naturally,
we're going through the formalities of...

By the way,
this gentleman is a security guard.

Unfortunately, I hired him
after the barn was stolen.

The horse, rather. Locked.

Larry, are you implying that
Darrin had anything to do with it?

Who? Darrin? No.

No. It's just as I say, a formality.

And the fact that Darrin had
the only other key to the cabinet

is certainly no reason to...

Do you mind?

Excuse me.

Is that a formality, too?

Of course, Sam.
We both know that Darrin would never...

You're under arrest.

- Larry, I swear. I...
- How did those get in your case?

Well, I don't know. I...

Wait a minute. That's not even my case.

- It isn't, huh?
- That's Ralph Jackman's case.

- We just ran into him.
- He said he was on his way to Chicago.

No wonder he didn't
mention it at the office.

Come to think of it,
he borrowed my keys this morning.

My advice is to say nothing more
till you see a lawyer.

Ralph Jackman.
Is that the name you mentioned?

- Yes.
- His name's all over this stuff.

- Beautiful.
- Larry,

does that mean that Darrin
is paroled in my custody?

And next time before you put
an innocent man under arrest,

I'd think twice about it.

- Put it there.
- Gee, thanks.

And I'm adding an extra 10% to your bonus if
we land the Illinois Meatpackers account.

That's wonderful, sweetheart.
And I hope you get the account.

And I hope the Meatpackers win
every game they play this season.

Sweetheart, it's almost midnight.

Yes, the witching hour.

- Okay, where do you want me?
- In the kitchen.

I'll get rid of her as soon as I can.

You know, I still can't believe it.
I know your mother doesn't care about me,

but how about you and the kids?

She was just upset and angry.
And I don't want her to get angrier.

So we'll just let her think
she's turned you into a mouse.

You're sure that antidote
of yours will work?

Positive.

Well, if it doesn't,
remember to get rid of the mousetraps.

Darrin!

I came right here from the airport.

Come in, Ralph.

Did you...
I suppose you know we switched cases?

- Yes, I do.
- And I suppose...

- I mean, you opened mine?
- I'm afraid so.

Well, no one can say you're not prompt.

I have no time for small talk, Samantha.

I have to get back
to the party before the unmasking.

Where's Dum-Dum?

He's in the kitchen. But I got him to agree

that you can come and visit
whenever he's not home.

How magnanimous of the dear boy.

You don't think so?

You don't.

At this hour the day doth die,

spirits howl and spirits cry.

There is a mortal within this house.

When I wave my hand, make him a mouse.

- Where are you going?
- I just want to make sure it worked.

Well, you've never failed before,
so I don't see why you should...

A nice little white mouse.

What?

Oh, my stars!

Mother, you are not leaving this house
until you turn him back.

Samantha, don't make a scene.

I'll change him back when he's learnt
his lesson in a week or two.

Whenever the party's over. I must fly.

Mother...

Sweetheart. Now, don't worry.

Two weeks will pass quickly.

And fortunately, you're fond of cheese.

I also like nuts.

- Mice eat nuts?
- How do I know?

You rat!

But who...

Ralph Jackman.
He came by to try to square things.

He certainly does have rotten timing.

That sure is a funny-looking Buffalo.