Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 6, Episode 2 - Samantha's Yoo Hoo Maid - full transcript

Four creamed corn,

two pickled onions,

two stewed tomatoes,
four diced pomegranates...

What's all this?

I ordered everything early
hoping I'd get it out of the way.

If you sit down, I'll fix breakfast.
What would you like?

Where would you suggest I sit?

Sorry.

Here, I'll get it.

Okay. Who did that?

It wasn't Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.



Endora, would you mind giving us
a little warning when you're gonna drop in?

All right. I'm dropping in.

Fine. Now would you mind dropping out?

- Not at all.
- Darrin.

Mother, dear, would you please come back?

I do wish you'd make up your minds.

Samantha, I no longer can permit you
to go on doing these menial chores

just because El Cheapo
refuses to hire a maid.

Tell me, Endora,
what was it like at the Tower of Babel?

One more word out of you,
and I'll turn you into a mushroom.

Poisonous, of course.

As a matter of fact, Samantha,
I have found a maid for you.

A perfect gem named Esmeralda,

and she's not an outsider.



Oh, no. One thing we desperately
don't need around here is another witch.

If you'll stop braying
for a minute and listen,

I'll tell you why I think
you'll find Esmeralda acceptable.

She's never been terribly secure,

and lately she's lost her confidence

along with most of her powers.

What she wants now
is a safe, snug little harbour.

Then let her turn herself into a boat.

Darrin, maybe Mother's come up
with the answer this time.

I mean, with the new baby coming,
we do need some extra help,

and Esmeralda not being much of a witch

isn't like having another witch
in the house at all.

Sort of.

- Forget it.
- Too late.

That's Esmeralda.

Well, now... Now, wait a minute.

There's nobody here.

- Hello, Endora.
- Hello, Esmeralda.

- I hope I'm not too early.
- Oh, no. Your timing is perfect.

Come in. Come on in.

This is my daughter Samantha.

And this is him,
the mortal I told you about.

How do you do?

Now, there's nothing to be nervous about.

- Maybe not for her.
- You know, when she gets tense, she fades.

- Of course.
- Esmeralda, it's nice to meet you.

See? He's not going to bite you.
Now, why don't you just relax, Esmeralda?

Come on into the living room, Esmeralda.

Samantha, your mother's got to be kidding.

Now, sweetheart,
just try to be a little more understanding.

She's thinking of my welfare,
like any other mother.

Yeah? Show me another mother
who hires an invisible maid.

Well, she's only trying to be helpful.

Okay. How about this?

Show me another mother
who sharpens her teeth in the morning.

Well!

Believe me, Esmeralda,
you'll love working here.

Mother was right. We do need some help.

What do we have to lose?

For one thing, our minds.

Esmeralda.

Now, admit it. That could be very difficult
to explain in mixed company.

Once she relaxes, it won't happen.

Besides, who's gonna take care of you
and Tabitha while I'm in the hospital?

Oh, it's all right.

We don't even know
if she's had any experience.

Well, let's find out.

Esmeralda, we'd like to ask you
a few questions.

Have you had any experience?

Well, as a matter of fact, no.

I've never even been married.

She means experience keeping house.

Esmeralda, what we're trying to find out is

have you had any experience
helping out in a family?

Well, I should say I have.

Really? Where?

At Tudor Castle in England.

Yes. I was a lady-in-waiting.

You know, just for a lark.

But believe me, it was no lark.

The master had terrible eating habits.

Ate with his hands
and threw his food all over the place.

And every couple of months there'd be
a new mistress, sometimes a new wife.

Is she... Are you talking about Henry VIII?

Well, I don't remember his number,
but I certainly remember him.

Sam.

We'll be right back.

Pay no attention to him, Esmeralda.
He's a low-grade mortal.

Hello, Grandmamma.

Hello, Tabitha.

Oh, my precious little lady.

Say hello to Esmeralda.

- Hello, Esmeralda.
- What a little jewel she is.

- She looks just like her mother.
- Yes.

- And her father.
- Bite your tongue.

Esmeralda?

- We've come to a decision.
- You have?

Esmeralda! Come back here.
Come back here, right away.

Esmeralda, we want you to stay,
and we hope you'll be happy.

Oh, thank you. I'm sure I will be.

Well, now that that's settled,
you'd better run along, Durwood.

We don't want you to be late
for doing whatever it is you do.

You seem awfully anxious to get rid of me.

Why should today be different
than any other day?

Endora, when it comes to being
a pain in the...

As a matter of fact,
I have the layouts for Hampton Motors here

and I can work on those.

I'll call Larry and tell him
I'm gonna work at home.

Anything you say, sweetheart.

Cuckoo.

Samantha, hadn't you better
take Esmeralda upstairs

and just show her around?

Of course. Come along, Tabitha.

Go with Esmeralda.

Hi, Larry.
I think I can work better at home today.

It's quiet here and I won't be bothered by
phone interruptions and things like that.

So if you don't mind, Larry,
I think I'll just stay here

and work on those layouts
for Hampton Motors.

Okay, that'll be fine.

- What time will you be in?
- About noon, okay?

Noon? What do you think
we're running here,

a rest-and-recreation centre?

Larry, what's the difference
whether I work here or at the office?

What's the difference?
I'll tell you what the difference is.

Never mind what the difference is.

But, Larry...

Here we are in the middle of a crisis,
and you want to stay home and loaf.

Crisis? What crisis?

You just get yourself down here, buddy boy,
and you'll find out.

Sam, I've gotta run.

I thought you were gonna work at home.

Well, I thought it over, and I decided
it'd be better to go to the office.

Bye, Endora. If you're not here
when I get back, I certainly hope so.

That's funny.

I didn't think so.

No, I mean, why he changed his mind
about working at home.

It's just as well.

I'd rather he wasn't around
in case Esmeralda's witchcraft acts up.

You said she'd lost most of her powers.

She has, she has, but she's still subject to
what you might call involuntary witchcraft.

It happens mainly when she sneezes.

What happens?

Get the picture?

Nothing happened upstairs.
Did anything happen down here?

Oh, dear.

Now what do we do?
Lower the furniture or raise the floor?

Don't worry. The spell won't last.
Nothing ever does with me.

The worst part is
I never know what I'm going to get.

Oh, I wish I could get rid of this...

I haven't had a tree in a long time.

Well, it's been a long time
since we've had a tree, too,

especially in the living room.

Esmeralda, why don't you go back upstairs
and relax?

You're much too tense.

- I'll try.
- Wait a minute. What about the tree?

Oh, don't worry. It'll go away eventually.

Well, I hope it goes away before autumn.

Otherwise we'll have to pay the gardener
extra to rake up the living room.

- Mother, this isn't going to work out.
- Of course it is. Give her time.

I can only give her
until the time Darrin comes home.

Darrin, I was afraid you'd left already.

He's here, Mr Hampton. Come on in.

- Well, hello there, Stephens. How are you?
- Fine, thanks,

but I didn't think you were coming in
till next week, Mr Hampton.

I'm just in for the day
to attend a wedding.

Thought I'd stop by and see
how you were doing. How's it coming?

Fine. Fine.

Mr Hampton was wondering
if he could get a peek at the layouts.

I haven't got them here. They're home.

What a shame.

- I can bring them in tomorrow.
- No, I have to get back to Detroit tonight.

No problem.
We can just drive out to Stephens's place.

- Well, that'll be great.
- Let's go.

- Well, Larry, wait. I can't go.
- Why not?

Because, well, we've got this new maid,

and Sam asked me to stay out of the way
until this evening.

She's a real ding-a-ling.

- Sam?
- The maid.

We're just going to get those layouts
and go.

As a matter of fact,
the layouts aren't ready.

Mr Hampton knows that.

He just wants to see the work in progress.

I especially want to see what you've got
on the new economy car.

- Let's go. We can talk on the way.
- Larry...

With all due respect,

I don't think it's fair
to ask me to show unfinished work.

Is that a perfectionist for you?

I tell you, this boy has principles.

Pride of accomplishment.

Qualities we at McMann & Tate
encourage and admire.

Darrin, Mr Hampton, our client

wants to see what you have,
finished or not. So let's go.

Mr Hampton.

Thank you.

Hurry up. Hurry up, make a move.
Don't take all day.

- How you doing?
- Checkmate.

Mother, pull yourself together.

Feeling better after your nap?

Oh, yes. What a luxury.

- Where's Esmeralda?
- She's out on the patio playing with Tabitha.

Mother?

Has she... Has anything happened?

I haven't heard a sneeze out of her
since you went upstairs.

"And then the prince bent over
and kissed the princess,

"and she opened her eyes and she smiled."

- Did a prince ever kiss you?
- No.

I was almost kissed by a king,

but I sneezed right in the middle of it.

It took them two days to find him.

And then... And then...

Oh, my goodness.

Puff, the Magic Pony.

- Oh, Mrs Stephens?
- Yes, Esmeralda.

Do you like animals?

Look, Mommy, a funny pony.

There's nothing funny about it.

Oh, it's divine.

And it's not a pony.

It's a unicorn,
and they don't exist any more.

Why not?

Well, you remember
I told you about Noah's Ark?

The unicorns missed the boat.

I've been meaning to ask you, Stephens.

You still negative about the name
for the new economy car?

No, I think Cheetah has impact.

- It certainly says speed and grace.
- It sure does.

The only thing is there's
an image confusion relating to cheating.

That doesn't mean that he doesn't love it.

I had my boys in research check it out, and
they agree with you. It doesn't test well.

Something about the name Cheetah
always bothered me.

We'd better give some thought
to another name.

Well, here's one I was toying with, Coyote.

- Fast, light, sure.
- Good, good.

- Bad image.
- Bad, bad.

Oh, swell.

- And he's brought company.
- Sam?

Mother, are you just gonna stand there
and do nothing?

Oh, no.

As a matter of fact, I think the whole
affair has become a crashing bore.

- So, if you'll excuse me.
- Wait a...

What a talent your mother has.

You stay right here, all three of you.

Sam?

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, honey.

- Everything okay?
- Super.

Good. Good. Mr Hampton,
may I introduce my wife, Samantha.

- How do you do, Mr Hampton?
- How do you do?

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sam. Excuse us for barging in.

I hope we're not interrupting anything.

Larry, you know
you're always a welcome interruption.

I'll go in the den and get those layouts.

I'll just be a minute.
Make yourselves comfortable.

Darrin, can I help?

- It's not necessary.
- Yes, it is.

Fix yourself a drink, Larry.

- Don't mind if I do. Have a seat.
- Oh, thank you.

- You're bourbon and soda, right?
- Right.

I'm no good at names,
but I never forget a drink.

The important thing is to get them
out of here as soon as possible.

- We can argue about how it happened later.
- I'd just like to know who to be sore at.

You know, if we could only latch on
to another name for that car.

We'll come up with something.
We always do.

- Tate?
- Yeah?

I... I'm up in the air.

Well, that's understandable.
But I guarantee you,

we'll have everything locked up
in time for the campaign.

Tate?

What is it?

You look a little shook-up.

You better come out on the patio,
get some fresh air.

Larry?

What are you going out there for?

To get some fresh air.
Mr Hampton was feeling a little shaky.

What a shame.

Why don't you take him in the den
so he can lie down?

Good idea. The air is better in there.

What have you got in there, an oxygen tent?

No, no, I'm all right now.
What about those layouts?

The layouts?

Oh, yes, the layouts. Well, why don't
we look at them in the den, too?

The light's better in there, too.

Darrin, first chance we get,

let's sit down and talk
about a little vacation for you.

Daddy, don't you want to see
my funny pony?

Look.

What's that?

Wait a minute.

It didn't help.

It looks like a unicorn.

Well, if it doesn't,
we've certainly wasted a lot of time.

- Right, Sam?
- Right.

Right. A lot of time.

Well, we're sorry
to spring it on you like this, Mr Hampton,

but we wanted you to get the full impact.

Right?

Right.

And I think we got
an even bigger impact than we expected.

Gentlemen, I present the name and symbol
for Hampton's new economy car,

The Unicorn.

The Unicorn? For a car?

"The legendary car from Hampton."

Legendary car.

"Hampton Motors brings a myth to life."

Don't forget my favourite,
"The car with the unique horn."

"Unique horn"?

Uni-corn.

- Well, what do you think?
- Sensational.

What a name for a car.

But how did you... Well, I mean...

- Where did this come from?
- Well...

Well, it really wasn't
that much of a trick.

You find yourself a white pony,

and a lot of glitter,

and some papier-m?ch?, and presto.

That's it. Presto.

Well, I certainly have to admire
your enterprise, Stephens.

Well, I'm gonna take the next plane
back to Detroit

and feed this to the research boys.

Good. Come on, Darrin. We ought
to drive Mr Hampton to the airport.

Certainly been a pleasure
meeting you, Mrs Stephens.

When I get back, I hope to find
a few things missing around here.

Oh, dear.

- One down, one to go.
- Darrin.

Don't you pay any attention to him.

Sam?

- Sam?
- Yes, sweetheart.

Hi.

- They're lovely.
- They're from Hampton.

I met the delivery boy outside.

He says, "Dear Mrs Stephens,

"thank you for your help in the campaign
and sorry for the intrusion."

How nice.

Sam, about the...

Before you say anything,
I want you to know the unicorn is gone.

That's good news. Where is Esmeralda?

- She's gone, too.
- That's even better news.

I made an arrangement with her.

She's agreed to be sort
of a "yoo-hoo" maid.

- A what?
- Oh, you know.

Instead of being here all the time,
whenever we want her, we just yell.

Watch. Esmeralda? Yoo-hoo!

Yes, ma'am?

There you are.
Would you please put these in some water?

What lovely...

- Bless you.
- Bless us.

- What are you looking for?
- Nothing.

Esmeralda, it looks as if you may be cured.

- Wouldn't that be a blessing?
- Cured?

- Mommy!
- Yes, Tabitha, what is it?

- What do you feed an elephant?
- Why do you ask, dear?

Because there's one in my room.

Oh, dear.

Do you want to explain about the elephant?

No.

Good.