Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 24 - The Battle of Burning Oak - full transcript
Samantha takes on the snooty Burning Oaks Country Club after Endora turns Darrin into a snob.
Mother.
It becomes you, dear.
After all, if you're gonna work
like a slave you might as well look it.
I am not a slave.
I enjoy cooking dinner
for my husband and our guests.
Coquilles St. Jacques.
Prepared by a witch in the mortal way.
Not bad.
Of course, it's not ambrosia...
but it's quite
good enough for Durwood.
What's the occasion?
We are entertaining
Mr. And Mrs. J. Earle Rockeford.
They are very rich and very social.
He's a client of McMann and Tate.
Why don't they have
them for dinner?
Because Louise Tate is out of town.
That's why we invited them here.
He's a very important man.
There are no important mortals,
my darling. You're wasting your time.
This one's important. His ancestors
came over on the Mayflower.
Rockeford?
Rockeford...
I don't recall seeing any Rockefords
on the Mayflower.
Probably in steerage.
Mr. Rockeford has
a very big account.
And Darrin might get it.
He loves Darrin's ideas.
I was right.
He did come over in steerage.
Honey, I'm home. Where are you?
- In the kitchen.
- Where else?
Be right there.
Now, you've had your little joke.
So, Mother, before you leave,
would you mind?
Anything for you, darling.
Came home early
to see if I could help.
- Oh, what?
- Oh, censored.
What can I do to help?
You could have done something
five years ago by not proposing to her.
Mother, it's getting close
to sock-it-to-you time.
Why resist temptation? Let me do it.
Perhaps a muzzle
would quiet his mortal bark.
- Now, Mother, Mother. Darrin.
- You...
Now, now, please.
I'm sorry I dropped in.
That makes it unanimous.
Darrin, I don't think
you should have said that.
Why not? She's gone, isn't she?
Oh, Darrin.
Won't you ever learn?
Well, that was a splendid dinner,
Mrs. Stephens.
- First-rate, I'd call it.
- Thank you.
- And to think you did it all by yourself.
- That's right.
You poor dear.
How long have you been without help?
Oh, quite some time now.
Well.
Well, now that the
amenities are over...
I suppose we may as well
just get right down to cases.
Exactly how I feel.
As you probably know...
I am the president
and chairman of the board...
of the Burning Oak Country Club.
No, I wasn't aware of that.
Well, now you know.
And as you also probably know...
we don't just take
anybody into the club.
No. What's the point of having a club
if you're not going to be exclusive?
Yes. There's so little breeding
in the world today.
Stephens, I have a feeling...
that you're the kind of man
that would fit in at Burning Oak.
That's very flattering.
Meant to be. Of course,
the board will have to pass you...
- but I don't see any trouble there.
- No.
That's because Earle is the board.
Darrin, you're a lucky young man.
- Sam, you should be proud of him.
- I always have been.
There are only two things
you have to do, young man.
Take a deep breath and say yes.
As I said before,
it's a great honour.
- I agree.
- But I'd like to think about it.
What's that you say?
I have the feeling
that Samantha and I...
aren't quite up to rubbing elbows
with the Burning Oak set.
Are you trying to say
that you're too good for Burning Oak?
No. No, he wasn't
saying that at all.
Let him do the saying.
I didn't mean that. What I am saying
is that I'm not sure we're ready.
Darrin's been working
very hard, Mr. Rockeford.
- He's tired.
- So am I.
- Well, time to go. It's late.
- It's only 9:30.
- Hortense, I said it was late.
- Yes, dear.
And I thank you
for a lovely dinner, my dear.
You're very welcome.
Too bad about Burning Oak, Stephens.
You would have made a fine caddy.
Mr. Rockeford, about that little
business matter. Now...
You will hear from us, Tate,
in the not-too-distant future.
But, Mr. Rockeford,
I'll call you tomorrow.
Larry, Larry, think before you speak.
I have been thinking. Of all the stupid,
childish, idiotic things to do!
We were just about
to wrap up the account. Why?
Larry, all I asked was
a little time to think about it.
In our business we don't
have time to think.
If I thought my turning down
Burning Oak would blow the deal...
Well, It has. And speaking of blowing,
it's time to go.
- It's late.
- Nine-thirty, Late?
It's later than you think, Darrin.
Thanks for the dinner, Sam.
You're welcome. I think.
I've been thinking, honey.
Maybe I was too rough tonight.
Well, the Rockefords
did come on pretty strong.
I can't help feeling that in his own
snobbish way, Mr. Rockeford...
was trying to help me.
So, tomorrow I'll apologize both
to Larry and Mr. Rockeford.
Well, maybe that is the best way.
Can't do any harm
to give Burning Oak a chance.
It may turn out
that we like the people very much.
I'll handle the situation
first thing in the morning.
Good night, honey.
Hi, Larry.
Good morning, Stephens.
- Stephens? That's me.
- I.
I.
Larry, I've been doing
some thinking lately.
So have I.
And I've come to a decision.
I want to apologize to Mr. Rockeford.
You already have.
- I have?
- I knew you would, so I did it for you.
Just a minute, Larry.
If anyone apologizes for me, it's me.
- I.
- Yeah, I.
I can do my own apologizing.
You're about to get
that golden opportunity.
Rockeford was so taken
by your apology...
that he invited us to play golf with
him at Burning Oak Country Club...
this afternoon.
Larry, I have a full calendar.
I thought you'd learned that no one
says no to J. Earle Rockeford.
Besides, there's a little matter
of a discussion about the account.
Larry, I prefer talking business
in a business atmosphere.
And Rockeford prefers talking
business in the atmosphere of his club.
And that's the atmosphere
we're going to talk in.
Oh, hi, what are you doing home?
I'm playing golf at Burning Oak
with Mr. Rockeford and Larry.
- Good. Then everything went fine.
- I have my reservations.
- Excuse me while I change.
- Certainly.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Rockeford.
Yes, we enjoyed it too.
Lunch, today?
At the club?
They do?
Oh, why, yes, I'd love to.
One 'o clock.
I'll be there.
Bye.
Sweetheart?
You're not the only one
going to Burning Oak.
Mrs. Rockeford
has invited me to lunch.
She wants me to meet
some of her friends.
Great. How about
a sitter for Tabitha?
I'll get Aunt Hagatha.
She said that these friends
of hers were...
were ladies
on the screening committee.
Well, that's just routine.
To become a member,
you have to be screened.
Sounds like something they do
to keep the flies out.
Who are they trying to keep out?
Honey, you're just
being oversensitive.
Well, if they don't like flies,
they certainly won't like witches.
They'll love you.
A priceless performance
by featherhead up there.
- Meaning what?
- Meaning that he's reduced you...
to hobnobbing with the snobs
at Burning Oak Country Club.
Mother, Darrin doesn't like
the idea any more than I do.
It's just good business tactics.
Besides, he feels badly about being
rude to Mr. Rockeford last night.
Rubbish. He's thrilled to death.
And in no time,
he'll be out-snobbing the snobs.
You're wrong, Mother.
Darrin cannot be intimidated.
He's his own man.
He couldn't have made
a worse choice.
Mother, I'll give you
just three seconds.
One will do.
Good.
Within the moment
we shall see...
what a snob this clod can be.
Stephens, you're
Burning Oak material.
Yeah, you know,
I can't tell you how much better I feel...
about your change of attitude.
- I just needed time to think it over.
- How do you like the course so far?
- We love it.
- Quite adequate, in my opinion.
What's wrong with it?
It has potential.
In time, with the right thinking, it could
be the finest club in the country.
In my opinion, it already is
the finest club in the country.
My opinion exactly.
Sorry, Larry.
You have no frame of reference.
Too many years under public links.
This young man
may have something.
After all, he has got a head
on his shoulders, eh?
- This is delicious.
- Well, it's our pleasure, dear.
- We just wanted to get to know you.
- Oh, we did, indeed.
I'm only sorry that we didn't seem
to find any friends in common.
Please, don't be sorry.
We've been hoping,
just a wee bit of hoping...
that you might know
the Vandergrifts.
No, Darrin and I don't know
the Vandergrifts.
Darrin, this is your husband?
Yes. He works
for an advertising company.
- Works?
- Sure. That's how we eat.
But it's just that at Burning Oak,
our husbands are the company.
I guess that's what makes
Burning Oak so exclusive.
- And empty.
- Yes.
Yes, we like it that way.
You see, we try not to
let any undesirables slip in.
- Do you know Dr. Hafner?
- Who?
Dr. Hafner, the plastic surgeon.
He does wonderful nose work.
No, I don't know him.
Let's have coffee in the card room.
I'm sorry, Hortense.
I have my bridge game.
And I must get back
to my housework.
You poor dear.
You've lost your help.
Well, yes, in a way.
My help is lost
until I get back home.
Hortense, darling, I can't thank you
enough for the lunch...
- and meeting the charming Mrs...
- Stephens.
It was wonderful to meet you. I wish
I could spend more time with you...
- but I'm late already for my couturier.
- By all means, don't let me keep you.
- Good bye, all.
- Good bye.
I've been meaning
to tell you, Mrs. Stephens.
That's a very amusing
little frock you're wearing.
Did you make it yourself?
No, I had my couturier run it up.
It's lovely. And who is your man?
Oh, it isn't one man. It's two.
They call themselves
Sears and Roebuck.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, darling.
How'd you do with the ladies?
Sorry I didn't meet them.
Sorry I did.
That Jessica Morton,
carrying on about her couturier...
asking me if I made my own dress.
I could have turned her into a worm.
And it wouldn't take much turning.
Sweetheart, no witchcraft,
not at Burning Oak.
Which reminds me,
we should be thinking about moving.
- What's wrong with our house?
- It's not the house.
It's the neighbourhood.
If we moved closer to Burning Oak...
then you could be close to
your friends and get to know them.
Darrin, you're tired.
Why don't you lie down and take a nap?
I'm sure you'll feel better by
dinnertime. I'm fixing your favourite.
Corned beef and cabbage.
My taste buds just don't
relate to that sort of thing.
Just what do they relate to?
I was thinking in terms
of chateaubriand.
Or perhaps lobster Newburg,
with caviar as an appetizer.
We're fresh out of that stuff.
Well, I don't mean here.
I was talking about dinner at the club.
You mean we're having dinner
at Burning Oak?
Rockeford invited us.
Well, I'll have to get
Aunt Hagatha back to baby-sit.
- Fine. It'll be black tie, of course.
- Of course.
I do hope you have
something appropriate to wear.
I'll run up something.
While we're on that subject,
Mrs. Morton has a point.
You ought to see a good couturier.
Oh, no.
And when you do, take Tabitha.
Mother.
Oh, Mother, you're a stubborn witch.
Now, I know you've put
a spell on Darrin...
so you get here
and undo it, pronto.
Aunt Hagatha,
what are you doing here?
You called for me to come and sit
with Tabitha. Have you forgotten?
Sorry. Do you know
where Mother is?
- Oh, I've no idea.
- Terrific.
- Is something wrong?
- Everything's wrong.
You name it, and it's wrong.
Maybe I can help.
After all, if a witch can't help...
- who can?
- Mother put a spell on Darrin.
She turned him into a snob.
Now he's out-snobbing...
the super-snobs of all time.
Of all time.
Aunt Hagatha,
maybe there is a way you can help.
- Is it evil?
- Yeah.
Now first, find out
if Aunt Bertha can baby-sit.
I'm gonna give you a list of names...
and I want you to check the
backgrounds of each one carefully.
Go back three... No, four generations.
Now, I'll be at the Burning Oak
Country Club, so as soon as you get...
About membership.
Earle, how far back do you go?
In the screening, I mean.
We look a man up,
and then we check on his family...
and immediate background.
Yes, we don't want
any undesirables slipping through.
So I hear.
But do you think that's enough?
I mean, wouldn't it be better to go back
maybe three or four generations?
- Do tell.
- Good thinking, Sam.
You never know what you'll find
in a person's background.
Stephens is quite right.
We must protect the club
for the true-blue, purebred American.
Exactly. Here's my thought.
From my brief observation...
you've let too many, you know...
not our kind of people into the club.
My goodness.
The membership needs
a thorough shakedown.
From then on, there'll be
a lot more elbow room, for let's say...
Mother, where have you been?
I'm sorry, darling, but I was picketing
this new movie about witches.
It makes us appear quite evil,
you know?
If the shoe fits...
Why, Samantha, I'm surprised.
Don't you have any social conscience
about our people?
I have plenty of social conscience
about these people.
Relax, darling. I've had my fun.
Now, Mama will take care
of everything.
I stopped by just after you left,
and Hagatha told me what you wanted.
I think this will take care
of your snobs.
See?
Marvellous. Yes, indeed, it will.
Now, Mother, you take
the spell off Darrin. Please?
While you're at it,
turn the time back a bit.
- I'd like to get a running start.
- Very well, Samantha.
For you, not him.
Here. Just a minute.
Now.
Begone the hex
from dreary Dum-Dum.
Enough is enough,
it's getting humdrum.
Stephens is quite right.
We must protect the club
for the true-blue, purebred Americans.
Exactly. Here's my thought.
From my brief observation,
you've let too many...
you know, not our kind
of people into the club.
My goodness.
The membership needs
a thorough shakedown.
After that, there'll be a lot more elbow
room for the common people.
- What did he say?
- Is this your idea of a gag?
- Well...
- Yes, Mr. Rockeford, it is.
Darrin was just
putting you on a bit.
He wanted to find out exactly what your
membership requirements really are.
That's it. I think.
You gave us quite a start there.
The truth is screens work both ways.
They keep things in and out.
And Darrin and I have decided
to stay out of Burning Oak.
Young lady, I don't know
what you're up to...
but I must say,
I do not find it amusing.
I do.
Mr. Rockeford, it's true.
Your heritage does
go back to the Mayflower.
An Irishman named Toodles Rockne...
was a stowaway on the Mayflower.
Illegally in this country.
Well, you see, as Toodles...
How did you know that?
Because I belong
to the greatest minority there is.
I'm a witch.
I think this is in extremely bad taste.
Mr. Morton, your grandfather
came here from Poland...
and spent a good deal
of his time in jail.
He couldn't even make it
as a horse thief.
Don't move too far, Cynthia.
Does the name Moishnev
ring a bell with you?
Oy vey. Whatever that means.
I think we all know that there's
no such thing as a purebred American.
Unless it's the Indian.
And an American Indian
could never get in here.
Is there anything
you'd like to add, Darrin?
Yes.
It's late.
You're right. It's 9:30.
I heard from Larry.
We've got the Rockeford account,
and the screens are off at Burning Oak.
I didn't think those kind
would ever change.
Well, they did, and so did Mother.
She's about to make a formal apology
for what she did to you.
The reason that I'm not furious
at your mother...
is that I wouldn't have missed the fire
you lit under Burning Oak for anything.
They're probably calling it
Smouldering Stump by now.
You were wonderful.
If you weren't my wife,
I'd ask you to marry me.
Samantha, I'm ready.
Here comes your apology. Come on.
Look.
She's gonna write it 100 times.
Good.
- Oh, brother.
- Oh, Mother.
It becomes you, dear.
After all, if you're gonna work
like a slave you might as well look it.
I am not a slave.
I enjoy cooking dinner
for my husband and our guests.
Coquilles St. Jacques.
Prepared by a witch in the mortal way.
Not bad.
Of course, it's not ambrosia...
but it's quite
good enough for Durwood.
What's the occasion?
We are entertaining
Mr. And Mrs. J. Earle Rockeford.
They are very rich and very social.
He's a client of McMann and Tate.
Why don't they have
them for dinner?
Because Louise Tate is out of town.
That's why we invited them here.
He's a very important man.
There are no important mortals,
my darling. You're wasting your time.
This one's important. His ancestors
came over on the Mayflower.
Rockeford?
Rockeford...
I don't recall seeing any Rockefords
on the Mayflower.
Probably in steerage.
Mr. Rockeford has
a very big account.
And Darrin might get it.
He loves Darrin's ideas.
I was right.
He did come over in steerage.
Honey, I'm home. Where are you?
- In the kitchen.
- Where else?
Be right there.
Now, you've had your little joke.
So, Mother, before you leave,
would you mind?
Anything for you, darling.
Came home early
to see if I could help.
- Oh, what?
- Oh, censored.
What can I do to help?
You could have done something
five years ago by not proposing to her.
Mother, it's getting close
to sock-it-to-you time.
Why resist temptation? Let me do it.
Perhaps a muzzle
would quiet his mortal bark.
- Now, Mother, Mother. Darrin.
- You...
Now, now, please.
I'm sorry I dropped in.
That makes it unanimous.
Darrin, I don't think
you should have said that.
Why not? She's gone, isn't she?
Oh, Darrin.
Won't you ever learn?
Well, that was a splendid dinner,
Mrs. Stephens.
- First-rate, I'd call it.
- Thank you.
- And to think you did it all by yourself.
- That's right.
You poor dear.
How long have you been without help?
Oh, quite some time now.
Well.
Well, now that the
amenities are over...
I suppose we may as well
just get right down to cases.
Exactly how I feel.
As you probably know...
I am the president
and chairman of the board...
of the Burning Oak Country Club.
No, I wasn't aware of that.
Well, now you know.
And as you also probably know...
we don't just take
anybody into the club.
No. What's the point of having a club
if you're not going to be exclusive?
Yes. There's so little breeding
in the world today.
Stephens, I have a feeling...
that you're the kind of man
that would fit in at Burning Oak.
That's very flattering.
Meant to be. Of course,
the board will have to pass you...
- but I don't see any trouble there.
- No.
That's because Earle is the board.
Darrin, you're a lucky young man.
- Sam, you should be proud of him.
- I always have been.
There are only two things
you have to do, young man.
Take a deep breath and say yes.
As I said before,
it's a great honour.
- I agree.
- But I'd like to think about it.
What's that you say?
I have the feeling
that Samantha and I...
aren't quite up to rubbing elbows
with the Burning Oak set.
Are you trying to say
that you're too good for Burning Oak?
No. No, he wasn't
saying that at all.
Let him do the saying.
I didn't mean that. What I am saying
is that I'm not sure we're ready.
Darrin's been working
very hard, Mr. Rockeford.
- He's tired.
- So am I.
- Well, time to go. It's late.
- It's only 9:30.
- Hortense, I said it was late.
- Yes, dear.
And I thank you
for a lovely dinner, my dear.
You're very welcome.
Too bad about Burning Oak, Stephens.
You would have made a fine caddy.
Mr. Rockeford, about that little
business matter. Now...
You will hear from us, Tate,
in the not-too-distant future.
But, Mr. Rockeford,
I'll call you tomorrow.
Larry, Larry, think before you speak.
I have been thinking. Of all the stupid,
childish, idiotic things to do!
We were just about
to wrap up the account. Why?
Larry, all I asked was
a little time to think about it.
In our business we don't
have time to think.
If I thought my turning down
Burning Oak would blow the deal...
Well, It has. And speaking of blowing,
it's time to go.
- It's late.
- Nine-thirty, Late?
It's later than you think, Darrin.
Thanks for the dinner, Sam.
You're welcome. I think.
I've been thinking, honey.
Maybe I was too rough tonight.
Well, the Rockefords
did come on pretty strong.
I can't help feeling that in his own
snobbish way, Mr. Rockeford...
was trying to help me.
So, tomorrow I'll apologize both
to Larry and Mr. Rockeford.
Well, maybe that is the best way.
Can't do any harm
to give Burning Oak a chance.
It may turn out
that we like the people very much.
I'll handle the situation
first thing in the morning.
Good night, honey.
Hi, Larry.
Good morning, Stephens.
- Stephens? That's me.
- I.
I.
Larry, I've been doing
some thinking lately.
So have I.
And I've come to a decision.
I want to apologize to Mr. Rockeford.
You already have.
- I have?
- I knew you would, so I did it for you.
Just a minute, Larry.
If anyone apologizes for me, it's me.
- I.
- Yeah, I.
I can do my own apologizing.
You're about to get
that golden opportunity.
Rockeford was so taken
by your apology...
that he invited us to play golf with
him at Burning Oak Country Club...
this afternoon.
Larry, I have a full calendar.
I thought you'd learned that no one
says no to J. Earle Rockeford.
Besides, there's a little matter
of a discussion about the account.
Larry, I prefer talking business
in a business atmosphere.
And Rockeford prefers talking
business in the atmosphere of his club.
And that's the atmosphere
we're going to talk in.
Oh, hi, what are you doing home?
I'm playing golf at Burning Oak
with Mr. Rockeford and Larry.
- Good. Then everything went fine.
- I have my reservations.
- Excuse me while I change.
- Certainly.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mrs. Rockeford.
Yes, we enjoyed it too.
Lunch, today?
At the club?
They do?
Oh, why, yes, I'd love to.
One 'o clock.
I'll be there.
Bye.
Sweetheart?
You're not the only one
going to Burning Oak.
Mrs. Rockeford
has invited me to lunch.
She wants me to meet
some of her friends.
Great. How about
a sitter for Tabitha?
I'll get Aunt Hagatha.
She said that these friends
of hers were...
were ladies
on the screening committee.
Well, that's just routine.
To become a member,
you have to be screened.
Sounds like something they do
to keep the flies out.
Who are they trying to keep out?
Honey, you're just
being oversensitive.
Well, if they don't like flies,
they certainly won't like witches.
They'll love you.
A priceless performance
by featherhead up there.
- Meaning what?
- Meaning that he's reduced you...
to hobnobbing with the snobs
at Burning Oak Country Club.
Mother, Darrin doesn't like
the idea any more than I do.
It's just good business tactics.
Besides, he feels badly about being
rude to Mr. Rockeford last night.
Rubbish. He's thrilled to death.
And in no time,
he'll be out-snobbing the snobs.
You're wrong, Mother.
Darrin cannot be intimidated.
He's his own man.
He couldn't have made
a worse choice.
Mother, I'll give you
just three seconds.
One will do.
Good.
Within the moment
we shall see...
what a snob this clod can be.
Stephens, you're
Burning Oak material.
Yeah, you know,
I can't tell you how much better I feel...
about your change of attitude.
- I just needed time to think it over.
- How do you like the course so far?
- We love it.
- Quite adequate, in my opinion.
What's wrong with it?
It has potential.
In time, with the right thinking, it could
be the finest club in the country.
In my opinion, it already is
the finest club in the country.
My opinion exactly.
Sorry, Larry.
You have no frame of reference.
Too many years under public links.
This young man
may have something.
After all, he has got a head
on his shoulders, eh?
- This is delicious.
- Well, it's our pleasure, dear.
- We just wanted to get to know you.
- Oh, we did, indeed.
I'm only sorry that we didn't seem
to find any friends in common.
Please, don't be sorry.
We've been hoping,
just a wee bit of hoping...
that you might know
the Vandergrifts.
No, Darrin and I don't know
the Vandergrifts.
Darrin, this is your husband?
Yes. He works
for an advertising company.
- Works?
- Sure. That's how we eat.
But it's just that at Burning Oak,
our husbands are the company.
I guess that's what makes
Burning Oak so exclusive.
- And empty.
- Yes.
Yes, we like it that way.
You see, we try not to
let any undesirables slip in.
- Do you know Dr. Hafner?
- Who?
Dr. Hafner, the plastic surgeon.
He does wonderful nose work.
No, I don't know him.
Let's have coffee in the card room.
I'm sorry, Hortense.
I have my bridge game.
And I must get back
to my housework.
You poor dear.
You've lost your help.
Well, yes, in a way.
My help is lost
until I get back home.
Hortense, darling, I can't thank you
enough for the lunch...
- and meeting the charming Mrs...
- Stephens.
It was wonderful to meet you. I wish
I could spend more time with you...
- but I'm late already for my couturier.
- By all means, don't let me keep you.
- Good bye, all.
- Good bye.
I've been meaning
to tell you, Mrs. Stephens.
That's a very amusing
little frock you're wearing.
Did you make it yourself?
No, I had my couturier run it up.
It's lovely. And who is your man?
Oh, it isn't one man. It's two.
They call themselves
Sears and Roebuck.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, darling.
How'd you do with the ladies?
Sorry I didn't meet them.
Sorry I did.
That Jessica Morton,
carrying on about her couturier...
asking me if I made my own dress.
I could have turned her into a worm.
And it wouldn't take much turning.
Sweetheart, no witchcraft,
not at Burning Oak.
Which reminds me,
we should be thinking about moving.
- What's wrong with our house?
- It's not the house.
It's the neighbourhood.
If we moved closer to Burning Oak...
then you could be close to
your friends and get to know them.
Darrin, you're tired.
Why don't you lie down and take a nap?
I'm sure you'll feel better by
dinnertime. I'm fixing your favourite.
Corned beef and cabbage.
My taste buds just don't
relate to that sort of thing.
Just what do they relate to?
I was thinking in terms
of chateaubriand.
Or perhaps lobster Newburg,
with caviar as an appetizer.
We're fresh out of that stuff.
Well, I don't mean here.
I was talking about dinner at the club.
You mean we're having dinner
at Burning Oak?
Rockeford invited us.
Well, I'll have to get
Aunt Hagatha back to baby-sit.
- Fine. It'll be black tie, of course.
- Of course.
I do hope you have
something appropriate to wear.
I'll run up something.
While we're on that subject,
Mrs. Morton has a point.
You ought to see a good couturier.
Oh, no.
And when you do, take Tabitha.
Mother.
Oh, Mother, you're a stubborn witch.
Now, I know you've put
a spell on Darrin...
so you get here
and undo it, pronto.
Aunt Hagatha,
what are you doing here?
You called for me to come and sit
with Tabitha. Have you forgotten?
Sorry. Do you know
where Mother is?
- Oh, I've no idea.
- Terrific.
- Is something wrong?
- Everything's wrong.
You name it, and it's wrong.
Maybe I can help.
After all, if a witch can't help...
- who can?
- Mother put a spell on Darrin.
She turned him into a snob.
Now he's out-snobbing...
the super-snobs of all time.
Of all time.
Aunt Hagatha,
maybe there is a way you can help.
- Is it evil?
- Yeah.
Now first, find out
if Aunt Bertha can baby-sit.
I'm gonna give you a list of names...
and I want you to check the
backgrounds of each one carefully.
Go back three... No, four generations.
Now, I'll be at the Burning Oak
Country Club, so as soon as you get...
About membership.
Earle, how far back do you go?
In the screening, I mean.
We look a man up,
and then we check on his family...
and immediate background.
Yes, we don't want
any undesirables slipping through.
So I hear.
But do you think that's enough?
I mean, wouldn't it be better to go back
maybe three or four generations?
- Do tell.
- Good thinking, Sam.
You never know what you'll find
in a person's background.
Stephens is quite right.
We must protect the club
for the true-blue, purebred American.
Exactly. Here's my thought.
From my brief observation...
you've let too many, you know...
not our kind of people into the club.
My goodness.
The membership needs
a thorough shakedown.
From then on, there'll be
a lot more elbow room, for let's say...
Mother, where have you been?
I'm sorry, darling, but I was picketing
this new movie about witches.
It makes us appear quite evil,
you know?
If the shoe fits...
Why, Samantha, I'm surprised.
Don't you have any social conscience
about our people?
I have plenty of social conscience
about these people.
Relax, darling. I've had my fun.
Now, Mama will take care
of everything.
I stopped by just after you left,
and Hagatha told me what you wanted.
I think this will take care
of your snobs.
See?
Marvellous. Yes, indeed, it will.
Now, Mother, you take
the spell off Darrin. Please?
While you're at it,
turn the time back a bit.
- I'd like to get a running start.
- Very well, Samantha.
For you, not him.
Here. Just a minute.
Now.
Begone the hex
from dreary Dum-Dum.
Enough is enough,
it's getting humdrum.
Stephens is quite right.
We must protect the club
for the true-blue, purebred Americans.
Exactly. Here's my thought.
From my brief observation,
you've let too many...
you know, not our kind
of people into the club.
My goodness.
The membership needs
a thorough shakedown.
After that, there'll be a lot more elbow
room for the common people.
- What did he say?
- Is this your idea of a gag?
- Well...
- Yes, Mr. Rockeford, it is.
Darrin was just
putting you on a bit.
He wanted to find out exactly what your
membership requirements really are.
That's it. I think.
You gave us quite a start there.
The truth is screens work both ways.
They keep things in and out.
And Darrin and I have decided
to stay out of Burning Oak.
Young lady, I don't know
what you're up to...
but I must say,
I do not find it amusing.
I do.
Mr. Rockeford, it's true.
Your heritage does
go back to the Mayflower.
An Irishman named Toodles Rockne...
was a stowaway on the Mayflower.
Illegally in this country.
Well, you see, as Toodles...
How did you know that?
Because I belong
to the greatest minority there is.
I'm a witch.
I think this is in extremely bad taste.
Mr. Morton, your grandfather
came here from Poland...
and spent a good deal
of his time in jail.
He couldn't even make it
as a horse thief.
Don't move too far, Cynthia.
Does the name Moishnev
ring a bell with you?
Oy vey. Whatever that means.
I think we all know that there's
no such thing as a purebred American.
Unless it's the Indian.
And an American Indian
could never get in here.
Is there anything
you'd like to add, Darrin?
Yes.
It's late.
You're right. It's 9:30.
I heard from Larry.
We've got the Rockeford account,
and the screens are off at Burning Oak.
I didn't think those kind
would ever change.
Well, they did, and so did Mother.
She's about to make a formal apology
for what she did to you.
The reason that I'm not furious
at your mother...
is that I wouldn't have missed the fire
you lit under Burning Oak for anything.
They're probably calling it
Smouldering Stump by now.
You were wonderful.
If you weren't my wife,
I'd ask you to marry me.
Samantha, I'm ready.
Here comes your apology. Come on.
Look.
She's gonna write it 100 times.
Good.
- Oh, brother.
- Oh, Mother.