Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 21 - Marriage Witch's Style - full transcript

Put your trust
In Aunt Sue's cake mix

You will find it's not a fake mix

It will make a better batter

And it weighs lighter than fatter

It will make your batter better...

and it weighs lighter
than a "fedder."

Oh, that's terrible.

Okay, who's the wise witch?

Hi, little cousin.

You made it sound so yummy.

Serena, how long
have you been here?



And put that piece of cake back.

I just arrived.
You can have your silly old cake back.

Calories will kill my figure.

Hey, coz, where's gorgeous?

Darrin's away on a business trip.

I meant Tabitha.

Napping. What have you been up to?

Well, I've been in Kenya on safari.

Tell me, how do you love it?

And tomorrow I'm off to Balmoral
with Elizabeth and Philip.

And on the weekend, I'm expected
in Athens for a yacht christening.

- Sounds like fun.
- I'm bored with fun.

It's the kind of life
that makes you happy.

There must be something more to life
than happiness.



Well, there's heartache.

Oh, I'd just love to have
an aching heart for a change.

Like you.

Who's aching?

Well, the role of the grubby
little housewife can't be all fun.

Like now.

Superboob is out of town.
That makes you unhappy. Admit it.

I guess so.

Cousin...

- do you know what I'm going to do?
- No.

I'm going to find myself a mortal
and marry it.

- You know what I think?
- What?

I think you've cracked
your cauldron.

Well, works for you.

Why do you think you're the only witch
who can dig the mortal scene?

Darrin and I are special.

I'm pretty special myself, coz.

Serena, if you're really serious
about getting married...

you have to find yourself
a single man.

Okay, spoilsport. Where?

Serena, you know what's available
among the warlocks.

Warlock?

What kind of a challenge
is a warlock?

I want a regular,
dreary-type human being.

You couldn't get along
with a human being.

- You get along with Darrin.
- But it takes work.

He's that difficult to live with, huh?

That's not what I meant.

Where do I look?

Oh, I don't know. A church picnic,
the beach, country club.

The Human Equation.

What was that last thing you said?

Human Equation.

It's a matchmaking service,
sort of a cupid computer.

I saw it advertised on television.

How does it work?

Well, you see,
they have this machine...

and you tell it
what kind of man you want and...

And a man pops out of the machine?

No. A card pops out
that matches your card.

And our cards
live happily ever after.

Sounds sexy.

For the cards.

- Forget it.
- No.

I dig that science-fiction jazz.

- Let's split.
- I'd rather not get involved, Serena.

Okay. Okay.

But if you don't come with me...

I'm going to tell dumbo all about you
and Sir Walter Raleigh.

I never even met Sir Walter Raleigh.

I know it, and you know it.
But will he believe it?

That's liar's blackmail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, it really works.

It's the only way to travel.
Altar-wise, that is.

Well, I have
a happy surprise for you.

Because there are two,
you qualify for the group rate.

Marvy-poo.

We're cousins, and I'm married.

Well, now let's see what we can do
for you happiness-wise.

Groovy-wise.

If you'll just fill out
this questionnaire, dear.

Neatness and truth count.

Sit here, please.

I'll leave you alone a minute.

"Name." Well,
I don't need any help with that.

"Age."

If I told them the truth, the computer
would have a nervous breakdown.

- You look 26.
- I look 22.

- Well, actually...
- Twenty-six.

"Who is your favourite
political figure?"

Oh, that's easy. Julius Caesar.

They mean today.

I still think Julie
is cuter than Dickie.

This is always an exciting moment
for me.

Now, your card
will be injected into this slot.

These cards
represent our male clientele.

When I turn on the computer...

those male cards that are compatible
with your female card...

will drop into your little slot.

How romantic.

Shall we give it a whirl?

- Nothing's dropping into my slot.
- Now, give it time, my dear.

- What's the matter with those cards?
- Patience, my dear. Patience.

- I made it!
- Amazing.

Why, you must be an extraordinary girl
to attract only one card.

You can believe that.

You lucky, lucky, lucky girl.

This match
was surely made in heaven.

- Who is he?
- That's top-secret for now.

Please wait in the outer office
while I try to arrange for a meeting.

You have a luncheon date
tomorrow at 1...

with your intended
at the Rotisserie.

- Congratulations.
- Wait... Wait a minute. Who is he?

His name is Franklyn Blodgett.
That's all you need to know.

What does he look like?
Where does he come from?

- What does he do for a living?
- Dear child, if I tell you every goody...

what will you two lovebirds
have to talk about?

We'll think of something.

Oh, yeah.

Monsieur Blodgett.

The wine you ordered,
Monsieur Blodgett.

I've known you for ages...

in here.

The wine you ordered, sir.

The wine that you would drink.

What is your favourite wine?

Lafite Rothschild, 1923.

Ch?teau Lafite Rothschild, 1923.

Wow, that's some computer.

Franklyn, would you excuse me
for just a moment?

I'd like to freshen up a little.

Yes, of course.

- But hurry back.
- Oh, yes.

- Hello.
- Sammy, I'm in love.

You just met him,
and you're in love?

Oh, it wasn't a meeting.

It was two stars
exploding in the galaxy.

You're in love.
What does he look like?

Where does he come from?
What does he do for a living?

Oh, I can't be bothered
with technicalities.

He knows my favourite wine.

Oh, well, now, that's what I call
a basis for a good, solid...

My lucky day.

Serena, please listen to me.
You don't get married for kicks.

Sammy, I could have eaten lunch
right through dinner.

He is beautiful.

So's a cobra. Is he intelligent?

Intelligent?

He's read books
that haven't even been written yet.

My, what a stimulating companion.

He'll read while you rot.

I'm not going to tell you
any more about him.

- Good.
- I've invited him for dinner...

so why don't you go to a movie
or something?

No, I think I'd better
stay around here and help.

I don't need any help.

That's what you think.

Let's see.

First, I think I'll start off
with some p?t?.

Then salad:
Hearts of palm, vinaigrette.

And for the main course:
Chateaubriand.

Lovely.

What's the matter?
Chateaubriand too well-done?

Everything's too well-done.
Come with me.

Here are the recipes.

There is the food.

Here's the heat. Now start cooking.

Me? I don't even know
how to boil water.

You're not serving boiled water
for dinner.

Oh, come on, cousin.
Let me whip up a little gourmet meal.

If you're gonna marry a mortal,
you'll have to learn to live like one.

Who made up that rule?

Believe me,
I'm an authority on the subject.

Mortals are uncomfortable
with perfection.

They just love helpless women.

So a little imperfection in your dinner
and you can only endear you to him.

Oh, cousin,
that doesn't even make sense.

Well, maybe not,
but that's the way it is.

Okay. Okay.

How do I look, Pop?

Smashing.

You don't make it sound
like a compliment.

It is for our kind,
but you're dealing with a mortal.

A frailty here and there
might help your cause.

But I don't have any frailties, Pop.

Pretend. Roughen up
those smooth edges.

Mortal women find clumsiness
quite endearing.

Clumsiness.

So long, Pop.

The Warlock Club, Macduff.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you hiding?

Just a little bunch...

- of violets.
- How quaint.

I'm afraid they're a little wilted.

Like me.

Oh, I like the way you look, Serena.

You're so human.

That's the nicest thing
anyone ever said to me.

Come in.

- It's so clumsy of me.
- Yes.

Tough, huh?

No. No, not all.

It's so delicious I wanna
relish its flavour as long as I can.

Oh, you're just being kind.

Oh, yes, yes.

- Would you care for more gravy?
- Yes.

I'm terribly sorry.
It was so clumsy of me.

Don't apologise.

It's only human. Let me help.

- Oh, I did the same thing.
- That could happen to anyone.

It's been a perfect evening, Serena.

I'm sorry about your thumb.

Well, I'll know better next time.

"Close cover before striking match."

Anyway, thanks for the first aid.

And may I see you again
tomorrow night?

Golly whiz.

Two nights in a row?

Please, Serena. There's something
I wanna talk to you about.

Talk.

I will sleep on it
and save it for tomorrow.

Please?

Shall we say 8:00?

Good night.

Good night.

Samantha! Samantha!

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Isn't he the living, clumsy,
beautiful, mortal end?

Especially the clumsy part.

I peeked through the staircase.

Oh, I've never known
anything like him.

It's so refreshing.
I think he's going to propose.

Congratulations.
Now comes the hard part.

- What?
- When you tell him you're a witch.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him.

My boy, if she really loves you,
it won't matter.

I can't just come right out
and tell her I'm a warlock.

You'll find a way
of breaking it to her gently.

Lovely.

Well, here's to...

What shall we drink to?

How about truth?

You took the word
right out of my mouth.

Truth.

And speaking of truth,
how do you feel about it?

I think it's a virtue.

Sometimes.

Exactly.

Take me, for example.

Now, there are times...

when I can be an awful little witch.

Well, all women can.

But the important thing...

is that people like each other
in spite of their shortcomings.

Exactly.

Yes.

May I tell you something about my...?

- Sorry. You first.
- Sorry. You first.

Could we go inside?
It's rather chilly out here.

Well, yes, of course.

Thank you.

This is such a warm,
human kind of room.

Why do you use the word "human"
so much?

It's as if you were hung up
on the human race.

I mean, there are other things
besides humans.

There are birds...

and vegetables...

bees.

There are lots of other things.

Yes, you're quite right.

Franklyn, look at me.

Don't take your eyes off me.

I wouldn't if I could.

Want to bet?

- I'm here.
- Whe...?

Get it?

- Now do you get it?
- Get it? I've had it.

Oh, Franklyn, please, no.
No, no. Please don't go.

I mean, I'm not really a witch.

I mean, I'm not a witch all the time.

Most of the time,
I'm just a simple, sweet...

Yes. Explanations aren't necessary.

- Then you do understand.
- Understand?

Now do you understand?

Oh, no.

- Oh, isn't it ironic?
- Yeah.

You were looking for the same thing
that I was looking for.

- Yes.
- Yes.

But on the other hand...

is my being a, you know,
awfully important?

It really doesn't matter.
You and I have so much in common.

Oh, so true.

And when you come right down to it,
maybe it's better this way.

I mean, we won't have
the usual adjustment problems...

that most people have.

- Well, some adjustments.
- Like what, for instance?

Well, if you'll take it in the manner
in which it's offered...

I'm all ears.

I mean, It could have been
simply due to nervousness.

Would you get to the point?

Well, it's this business:

In the social circle
in which I travel...

that would be considered
rather gauche.

I beg your pardon?

Well, now you're angry,
and I was only trying to be helpful.

Go on.

Observe.

You see? Style, subtlety.

None of this waving of one's arms
about like a demented windmill.

Now, look here, buster,
you take that back.

If you can't take
constructive criticism...

"Demented windmill"?

You call that constructive criticism?

Well, let me tell you,
you road-company Cary Grant.

I can out-subtle you
from now until doomsday.

- Really?
- Really.

- Thank you for the champagne.
- Oh, you're welcome.

I do hope you didn't
find it too gauche.

Not at all. Would you care for some?

Delighted.

Chicken!

Serena.

Chicken.

Serena, why not leave
bad enough alone?

Because Grandma taught us,
"If at first you don't succeed, give up."

Never liked Grandma.

You're going to be very pleased,
my dear.

Hear what the man said?

That's also what Mr. Beams
of The Human Equation said.

I have here the card of a gentleman.

And his name is Franklyn Blodgett.

No, his name is Ted Perkins.

Now, if you ladies
will wait in the outer office...

I'll try to arrange the meeting.

Mr. Perkins? Mr. Lovelace here.

Oh, indeed I have, Mr. Perkins,
and she's lovely.

Mr. Perkins, no criticism intended...

but would you please
try to repress...

that irrepressible
sense of humour of yours?

Mr. Perkins, please. Please.

Thank you, Mr. Perkins.