Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 13 - Instant Courtesy - full transcript

Honey, I'd like some more coffee.

Sam?

Cute, huh?

Just Mother's weird sense of humour.

Good morning, slave.

Endora, you're a one-woman
invasion of privacy.

My daughter works like a slave.

I thought she might at least
dress the part.

Mother, you've had your little joke,
bad as it was...

so do you mind?

- Thank you.
- She never even knocks.



All of a sudden,
she's here like the flu.

Watch it, dumbo.

Mother, dear...

I know it seems perfectly natural
for you to arrive like this...

but I think, in the future,
we deserve a little warning.

Like a hurricane
or any other natural disaster.

Show us a little courtesy
and consideration.

Courtesy?

Durwood, you could make a fortune
giving rudeness lessons.

Mother.

I try to be polite, but it isn't easy
with you around here.

But fortunately, I'm late for work.
Excuse me.

Mother, you bring out a side of Darrin
that no one ever sees.

He's really very courteous
and considerate...



even chivalrous and gallant.

Honey, I'm leaving.

Excuse me.

Courteous, chivalrous, gallant,
is he?

Well, if he isn't now,
he soon will be.

With a root of hemlock
And a sting of bee

I shall give him
Instant courtesy

Hi, Darrin.

Leaf of laurel, Pinch of salt

Be considerate To a fault

Root of hemlock, Stinger of bee

Give him Super courtesy

Politeness, manners, Gallantry

Good morning, Frank.
How are you feeling this morning?

- Good morning, Darrin. I'm fine.
- That's great. You look fine.

- Let me help you, Betty.
- Oh, it's all right.

- Really.
- Right here.

No, no, I'll do that too.

There you go.

Oh, you wanted the Adrienne Sebastian
file this morning.

Oh, that's too heavy for you, Betty.
Let me take it.

While I'm at it, let me get
your typewriter out for you.

Thanks.

Let me compliment you
on the way you're doing your hair.

Why, thank you.

And that dress, just perfect on you.

Mr. Stephens, I think there's
something you should know.

I'm engaged. To be married.

Wonderful. Who's the lucky fella?

Hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.

Not at all, Larry. Excuse us, Betty.

Please?

- After you.
- No, no, no. Go ahead.

Please.

You're very gallant.

Well...

Have you and Miss Wilson
been lunching?

No.

I mean, before she got engaged.

Of course not.

It's those cool cats who fool you.

We have Adrienne Sebastian and her
advertising manager in at 11:00.

And they don't go visiting
unless it means business.

Big business.

I have two ways
of approaching the account.

Well, let's make
a good first impression.

Look for yourself.

Here's the poetry.

First I tried a rock-them-sock-them
hard sell. It didn't seem to work.

- They'll love it.
- Then I tried something more subtle...

No, no, no, no, stay with a hard sell.
It's their bag.

Well, then there it is.

Larry.

Have a chair.

You might wanna make some notes.

Comfortable?

What is going on around here?

I don't understand why you're
so suspicious. What's bugging you?

What's bugging me
is what's bugging you.

There's nothing bugging me.

You're even laughing off-key.

Darrin, I've got radar.
I get a ping when something's wrong.

You may need a new tube
in your pinger.

This is a good pitch. I think I'll go
to the privacy of my office and study it.

Nothing you wanna tell me?

No.

You don't want to talk about it.

Well, in case you do,
I'm always here.

Yes?

Mrs. Sebastian
and Mr. Traynor are here.

Oh, well, send them right in,
and, Miss Springer, tell Mr. Stephens.

Oh, Mrs. Sebastian,
this is a great honour.

- How do you do, Mr. Tate?
- Mr. Traynor, pleasure to see you.

- How are you?
- Been looking forward to this meeting.

You know, after all, Adrienne Sebastian
is practically a household word.

It's one of
the truly great cosmetic firms.

- May I join the festivities?
- Oh, come in, come in, Darrin.

Mrs. Sebastian, Mr. Traynor, may I
present my associate Darrin Stephens.

Mrs. Sebastian, your own beauty...

is the best advertisement
for your product.

You're hired.

And, Mr. Traynor,
great pleasure meeting you, sir.

All right, let's move this along,
shall we?

Well, fine. Darrin?

Let me seat Mrs. Sebastian first.

- Thank you.
- I think you'll find that comfortable.

The light won't be in your eyes.

You're very thoughtful,
Mr. Stephens.

- Cigar?
- Pitch the idea. We're pressed for time.

Rush, rush, rush. That's why we have
an ulcer-ridden society.

Darrin, you're about to give me one.

I think Mr. Stephens has
a very refreshing point of view.

Oh, so do I.

I just don't want to inconvenience you
with a delay.

Darrin?

We have two presentations.

One, the old hard sell.

The other emphasizes the grace...

the charm,
the feminine mystique...

that I always associate
with the name Adrienne Sebastian.

You're selling
a very intangible thing.

Beauty.

And our research tells us that people
of today are really turned on...

by beautiful things.

So, what's beauty?

A flower, a Renoir painting...

a Chopin nocturne...

a sunrise with the surf coming up.

A sales chart with the line going up.

For heaven's sakes, Darrin,
this is a business conference...

not a philosophy seminar.

- I rather like it.
- So do I.

I want a campaign that says
you've got two choices:

Use Adrienne Sebastian products,
or be ugly.

Oh, Charlie, that is pretty crass.

Yes.

Perhaps that is, shall we say, blunt?

It sells. And I make the decisions.

- Right, Adrienne?
- Oh, yes.

When I think of it, perhaps sometimes
the hard sell does hit the target.

So far we've had nothing
but interruptions and detours.

You're trying to cover up
a lousy campaign.

Not at all.

Here, look at these.

I think you'd better call the office and
tell them we're going to be a little late.

I'll dial it while you look
at the presentation.

- I'd rather do it myself.
- It'd be my pleasure.

Darrin, put down that phone.

Sorry. My apologies, Mr. Traynor.

Could I speak to you for a moment
while they go over the ideas?

Certainly, Larry. Oh, excuse us.

Of course.

- After you.
- Go ahead.

No, please.

- Just what are you trying to do?
- Is something wrong?

Oh, you're perspiring.

Stop that. If you're not blowing your
mind, you're sure blowing this meeting.

Larry, they're our guests.
I'm just trying to be considerate.

You're overdoing it.
Will you just pitch that presentation?

I think she digs the soft sell.

- But he makes the decisions.
- But it's her company.

I'll get the other presentation.

Oh, darn.

Here, I'll do that for you,
Miss Springer.

I can do it, it's just that it's so...

I know, it's a messy man's job.

I'm not knocked out by this, but it is
hard sell, and that's what we want.

I'm not sure, Charlie.

I think we should look
at Mr. Stephens' second concept.

Well, maybe he can come up
with a tough hard sell with warmth.

He has 10 seconds.

It bothers me seeing a pretty girl
like you getting her fingers dirty.

Very sweet of you.

There's still a lot of chivalry left
in the world today.

- Thank you, Mr. Stephens.
- I've got it right here, Larry.

Tate, I've got a gut feeling
that you and Sir Walter Raleigh here...

haven't anything to interest us.

Charlie, Mr. Stephens
was only showing common courtesy.

Courtesy is a refuge
of scoundrels and yes men.

I've got a feeling he's both.
Adrienne, we're running late.

I think you're making a mistake, but
it was a pleasure meeting you. Both.

Now, that's a darn shame.

Losing several million in billing?

Yeah. I guess you could call it that.
"A darn shame."

Unless you wanna call it
a catastrophe.

Larry, you're perspiring again.
Here, let me...

Will you knock off
this do-gooder routine?

Flitting around the office
like the good fairy.

Did it ever occur to you that people
want to dial their own phones?

Even if it's just to give their fingers
a little exercise.

I was merely treating our guests...

as courteously and as politely
as I know how.

And I've had all I can take
of this courtesy bunk!

- Darrin, you've been working too hard.
- You too, Larry.

I want you to take a vacation,
get a little rest.

That's very considerate, but I don't...

No, no, no, no, no, I insist.
Go away somewhere.

See the Caribbean. See the islands.

- See a doctor.
- A doctor?

To help straighten out your thinking,
unkink you.

- Wait...
- It happens in the advertising business.

And, believe me, I understand.

I know the pressures,
the tensions, the frustrations and then:

So take a year, two years,
three, if you need it.

That's the most generous thing
I've ever heard.

Darrin, I didn't mean
a vacation with pay.

When your batteries are recharged,
and you're back in your old form...

come and see me,
and we'll talk things over.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, darling.

What are you doing home so early?

I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Oh, hey.

Those are too heavy for you.
Let me do that.

Oh, thanks, sweetheart.

- How'd the meeting go?
- Right out the window.

I never realised all the work you do
here while I'm at the office.

Wait, wait a minute. What do you mean,
"right out the window"?

Honey, I wouldn't worry you
for the world, but...

Would you sit down for a second?

Would you like something?

A cup of coffee. A cold drink.

Yes, I'd like something.

To know what's going on.

I know it's not polite to be this blunt,
but...

You think I'm having
a nervous breakdown?

Exactly what went wrong today?
Precisely.

Frankly,
Larry was acting a little odd today.

He seemed to have this phobia...

about simple, ordinary,
everyday courtesy.

Now, what's wrong
with the world today?

Nobody seems to appreciate
the niceties, the gallantry.

Courtesies.

Don't you worry, I'm sure Larry's
over it by now. You know how he is.

Now, you just relax.

I have some things to do
in the kitchen.

May I help you?

No, please don't, as a favour to me.

Well, since you put it that way.

Thank you.

Mother. Mother,
you come here this minute.

"Tell your chivalrous husband
that his courteous mother-in-law...

is regrettably unavailable."
Oh, Mother, you are exasperating.

"Guess who made me that way."

Larry, I think you're acting like a fool.
Darrin is your friend.

Not anymore. I fired him.

Oh, you are really beautiful.

Louise,
he was acting very strangely.

By your standards,
anyone who offers you a light...

or insists that you go out the door
first is having a nervous breakdown.

Right.

Mrs. Sebastian.
How nice to see you again.

Thank you. May I come in?

Please do.
This is a very pleasant surprise.

I can only stay a moment,
but I did want to talk to you...

even though I shouldn't
go over Mr. Traynor's head.

You see, I was very impressed
with you, Mr. Stephens.

Our advertising needs
a fresh, new look.

We also need
a new advertising agency.

How does this sound?

The Darrin Stephens Agency.

You can start with my account,
and if I do say so...

that's a very good start.

- Well, you're very flattering.
- It's just good business for me.

I don't want to press you
for a decision.

I have a package to pick up,
and I can stop by on my way home.

Maybe we'll have something
to celebrate.

May I walk you to your car?

Well, here goes.

The good witch
against the bad witch.

Larry Tate, play it wise
Admit you're wrong, apologise

I merely got rid of
a disloyal employee.

And one of the most creative men
I know, who is also a trusted friend.

Why did I say that?

- I'll phone him.
- Not by phone, Larry Tate

Come yourself, don't hesitate

I think I'd better go right over
and see him.

Mother, where have you been?

Samantha,
surely you haven't forgotten...

that it does take a few minutes
to get here from Bangkok...

especially during
the monsoon season.

You put a courtesy spell on Darrin,
didn't you?

- Who?
- Darrin, my husband?

Oh, yes, him.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but he's one
of the most forgettable people I know.

Well, never mind that.
Just take it off him.

All right, all right.

The whole thing
is getting boring anyway.

Disappear, courtesy

That's a counter-spell?

Well, what do you expect
on such short notice? Poetry?

Ta, ta, dear.

Oh, Mother, you're a naughty witch.

Hello, Samantha.

Darrin.

- Surprised to see me?
- Not really.

Come in.

Well, I've been doing
a lot of soul-searching...

and I realise how wrong I was.

That's very considerate.

- Isn't it, sweetheart?
- For Larry, yes.

Darrin, I said a lot of things
I shouldn't have. I was upset.

You were a little weird.

In any case, Darrin, old friend,
forgive me.

I apologise.

In case you weren't listening,
Larry just apologised.

- I heard him.
- Darrin.

I'm just wondering
how sincere the apology is.

Darrin, I'm surprised at you.

He found out that Adrienne Sebastian
offered me the account personally.

- How can you think such a thing?
- I learned from the maestro.

Wait a minute.
You mean she offered you the account?

Hey, what an opportunity...

for both of us.

Marvellous. Congratulations, Darrin.

- You didn't know anything about this?
- Of course not.

My word of honour.

My real word of honour.

Well, Larry, forgive me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

We have more arrivals and departures
than Kennedy International.

Oh, Mrs. Sebastian. I'm Samantha
Stephens. Won't you come in?

Thank you, I...

Why, Mr. Tate,
I didn't expect to see you here.

I realised I'd fired
the most talented man on my staff...

and I came over
to beg his forgiveness.

Rubbish.

You men are all alike.
I don't believe you really fired him.

I think it was just a clever gimmick
to get my account.

Mrs. Sebastian,
that doesn't make any sense.

I don't have to make sense.

Maybe I'm just a silly female,
but I trust my intuition...

and something is wrong here.

I'm cancelling my offer.

Well, that's your prerogative.

However, here's the alternate concept.
It's yours, no strings.

What Darrin has in mind is that...

Never mind. Thank you, no.
I am not interested.

I think I...

I think I'd be foolish to refuse.

Why did I say that?

Well, it's a woman's prerogative
to change her mind.

- Stephens and Tate ride again.
- Yeah, Tate and Stephens ride again.

- Let's open up a bottle of bubbly.
- I'll drink to that.

It's funny the way things have
of working themselves out.

Funny?

Yeah, it's hilarious.

Oh, boy.

Well, that's the end of the bottle,
Darrin.

But there'll never be
an end to our friendship.

Never.

Accounts may come
and accounts may go...

but true friendship
goes on forever.

I think I have the cello part
for this somewhere.

Hello.

Oh, Mrs. Sebastian.

Well, thank you very much.

We would be delighted.
10:00 tomorrow morning at your office.

Thank you.

How about that?
She loved the second concept.

She thought the ideas were inventive,
fresh, and we've got the account.

I knew she'd like it.

- Larry, you never even saw it.
- Don't quibble about the details.

I'm going home and celebrate
all over again with...

Louise.

Louise.

Be in my office at 9:00.

And fill me in
on what that's all about.

Night, Samuel.

Well, what do you know?

- And we owe it all to Mother.
- And we owe it all to...

Oh, what? Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

- You see, sweetheart, she said...
- I don't wanna hear about it.

- Well, Darrin, she just thought that if...
- Sam, don't tell me.

You won't mind if I tell her?

What do you mean?

When she hears
that she actually helped you...

she won't sleep for a week.

I'll build it up a little.

She won't sleep for a month.