Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 5, Episode 1 - Samantha's Wedding Present - full transcript

Mother, I'd rather do it myself.

Stop talking like
a dreary housewife...

and give your mama a kiss.

My.

Aren't we in a mellow mood
this afternoon.

- How's Darrin?
- Who?

Your husband. Remember him?

That's the first time you've
gotten his name right.

Well, I've been thinking.

If I have to be saddled
with a mortal for a son-in-law...

I suppose he's as good as any.



Now, this is for you, darling.

I brought it from Paris,
fighting headwinds all the way.

- It's a wedding present.
- Whose?

Yours, of course, darling.
Belated, but sincere.

Let's see how it looks on.

- It's cute.
- Wait until you see the rest of them.

- I brought a dozen.
- Mother!

Honey, I'm home!

Back in the box.

Oh, my stars!

See what happens
when you get out of training?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Endora, when did you swoop in?

Sweetheart, I have good news.



- Mother just stopped by to...
- What's that?

It's a present from Mother.

- What for?
- It's a wedding gift.

We were married five years ago.

Well, I wasn't sure it would take.

I mean, why waste a perfectly
good spell on a bad marriage?

That's just what I mean.

We agreed not to have
any witchcraft around here.

We don't want anything
that you conjured up out of...

Out of eels' eyes and bats' wings.

- Bats' wings?
- Eels' eyes?

One more remark like that...

and you'll get down
on your four knees and apologise.

Sweetheart,
I really think Mother deserves...

- His four knees?
- He will be a billy goat.

Oh, well, now, now, wait a minute.
Let's not get carried away.

Try to understand, sweetheart.
Mother brought a gift.

Now, people give gifts
the way they know how...

- and in Mother's...
- Oh, stop it, Samantha!

I don't need anyone
to plead my case.

Now, are you satisfied?

Please try and understand
why I feel this way.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

Yes, you're a small, small man...

and I think it's just about time
you realized it.

Just once, I wish she'd leave a room
in the normal way.

I've never seen Mother
quite so upset.

She'll get over it.

I wouldn't make any bets on that.

What can she do to me?

The possibilities are endless.

- Endless?
- Well, let me put it this way:

Mother's bite is a lot worse
than her bark.

Sam, there's nothing to apologise for.

I know we don't agree on this, but
you'll just have to go along with me.

Darrin, are you sure
you're feeling all right?

Honey, will you please stop worrying.

Endora's probably forgotten
the whole thing by now.

Oh, I don't know.

One thing about Mother,
she never forgets a grudge.

I half expected to wake up this morning
and find myself married to a billy goat.

Nope. I think Endora
understands my position...

and...

Hey!

What did the laundry do to my shirt?

What's the matter with it?

The collar's too big.
They stretched it.

That doesn't sound like our laundry.

Their specialties are over-starching
and shrinking.

Well, I haven't got time
to change it now. Goodbye.

Take good care of yourself, huh?

Look, as soon as I start to sprout
horns and a goatee...

I'll give you a...

I know you're up to something.

- Hi, Darrin.
- Hi, Larry.

- How's the layout coming?
- Should be ready by tomorrow.

This should give you a rough idea.

Oh, looks pretty good to me.

Perhaps, we should...

- What's the matter?
- It's nothing.

I thought I'd set up a meeting with
the client, show them these sketches...

Larry, why are you
staring at me like that?

- Darrin, how tall are you?
- Six feet, one inch. Why?

Well, that's strange. I'm 6'1".

- Small world. Now, if the client...
- We're the same height.

- So?
- So, why does your head...

only come up to my eyes?

You must be taller than you think.

Darrin, you look beat.
Why don't you knock off for the day?

Thanks, Lar. I am kind of bushed.

I'll get a good night's sleep
tonight and then...

- Laundry.
- What?

The laundry made a mistake...

- with my shirts.
- I see.

- Losing weight?
- What?

I think you're right, Darrin.
You do need a good night's rest.

Maybe you should even...

Darrin, were you feeling okay
when you got dressed this morning?

What?

Why don't you take
a couple of days off?

You've been working hard.
I can fill in for you.

It'll be no problem at all.

There you go.

Darrin, either you have
a lousy tailor...

or you're shrinking.

I gotta get home.

Mr. Stephens, would you sign
these letters before you...

I haven't got time.

I've gotta drive home while my feet
can still reach the pedals.

That's peculiar.

- Abner!
- What is it now?

Mr. Stephens is only four feet tall.

Samantha!

Oh, Mother shouldn't have done that.

Don't just stand there!
Do something!

- What?
- Make me grow!

Sweetheart, I can't.

What do you mean?
You're a witch, aren't you?

Darling, you know
I can't undo Mother's spell.

Oh, sorry.
How stupid of me to forget.

Now, now, sweetheart,
just try and stay calm.

Calm? I shrunk six inches
in a crowded elevator.

How am I gonna get back to normal?

Well, you'll just
have to apologise to Mother.

For what? For daring
to stand up to her?

For having a difference
of opinion?

Darrin, you're really
in no position to debate the issue.

She had no right to do this to me.

What difference does it make
who's right and who's wrong?

You're only four feet tall.

Where I come from, a man is measured
by his principles, not by his height.

- Darrin.
- No!

You listen to me. If I give up on this...

I'll be giving up the right to express
my opinion in my own house.

No! I will not be bullied,
not by Endora or anyone else.

I will not compromise
my principles.

I hate to say this...

but your speech would be
a lot more effective...

if you were just a teeny bit taller.

I am only four feet tall,
but at least I'm my own man...

and I'll win out over Endora
because she doesn't frighten me a bit.

I can take anything she can hand out.

I hope so.

Ready for your coffee, sweetheart?

No cream, I'm on a diet.

You're being ridiculous, Gladys.

Nobody shrinks two feet in one day.

I saw it with my own two eyes.
You will too.

What are you gonna do?

Knock at the door
and ask to see the house midget?

Of course not. I lay awake all night
thinking of a plan to get in there.

I tried to reach Mother.
She's being stubborn.

And I called Larry,
told him you wouldn't be in today.

I just said you weren't yourself.

Boy, that's the biggest
understatement of the year.

Darrin, are you sure you're
warm enough in that handkerchief?

Well, it is a bit drafty.

That's something I can fix.

Thanks, honey.

I thought the vertical stripes
would give you more height.

Sam, I appreciate you
standing behind me like this.

Well, it's all part of the bargain.

- Bargain?
- You know.

"For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer...

for taller, for shorter."

Sorry.

I'll get that. Don't go away.

- Where do you think I'm going?
- Oh, you little dickens.

- Hi, there.
- Hi, there.

Our dog got into
your backyard by mistake...

so we came to get him.

Oh? Well, I didn't even know
you had a dog.

Oh, we just got him.
He was taking us for a walk...

and he got off the leash.

We noticed Mr. Stephens
didn't go to work this morning.

Nothing wrong, I hope.

Oh, no.

No, he just didn't feel...

up to it.

Thanks for asking though.

Funny he should get sick.

I mean, he looked so healthy.

- And tall.
- Gladys.

I'd like to ask you to stay for coffee...

but I really can't.

I'm awfully busy. As a matter of fact...

I was just on my way out to pick
something up for Mr. Stephens.

Sure. We understand.

Darrin?

Darrin, where are you?

- He's not here.
- Who isn't here?

Your dog, of course.

Abner!

- What is it, Gladys?
- Your dog's gone.

I said he was in the backyard,
Mrs. Stephens.

He's probably gone
on a scavenger hunt.

No matter what we feed him,
he always wants more.

This dog will eat anything
that's not nailed down.

Sam! Sam!

Samantha, help!

This is the last load
this morning, Sam.

We'll take this stuff to the dump,
then knock off for lunch.

All right, you take the crate.
I'll take this stuff over here.

- Sam!
- Yeah, what do you want?

I didn't say nothing, Sam.

No?

Mother? Mother, I'll give you just
three seconds to appear before me.

One, two, three.

You have done some terrible things
in your time...

but, this time,
you have gone too far.

I thought he needed
cutting down to size.

Mother, you make the Wicked Witch
of the West look like Shirley Temple.

Oh, well, all right.
Perhaps I did get carried away...

but he had no right
to behave so childishly.

Where is he? I'll change him back.

You see, that's just the trouble.
I don't know where he is!

It's even possible that a dog ate him.

Oh! How positively amusing.

- Mother!
- Oh, all right.

I know how upsetting
it is to misplace a husband.

Try not to panic.

Suppose he's had
some terrible accident?

Did you look
in the garbage disposal?

- Mother, please!
- Well, it's just a thought.

Oh, Durwood! Durwood!
Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- I can explain all this.
- A leprechaun.

I found a leprechaun in a bottle.

- Don't get upset.
- Who's upset?

It's a nice change
from them darn snakes.

Will you help me out of here?

Not until you give me
my three wishes.

But I can't do that.

Look, Mr. Leprechaun, I'm a fair man.

Now, you give me my three wishes,
and we're even-steven.

I give you my word as a gentleman.

Oh, I believe you,
but it's not as easy as that.

On the other hand...

if I don't get my just rewards,
I'll squash you with my boot.

All right! All right!

Take me to 1164
Morning Glory Circle...

and then we'll see
what we can do.

Fair enough.

Come on, little fella. Come on.

Hello, are you Mrs. Leprechaun?

- I beg your pardon?
- I've got your husband in my pocket.

You have?

Not so fast.

We've some business
to discuss first.

A matter of three wishes.

Is he hurt?
Oh, please, let me see him.

Well, all right.
You can look, but don't touch.

- Cut little fella, isn't he?
- Darrin, are you all right?

Just give him his three wishes, Sam.

You promise you'll let me
have my husband back?

Frank O'Hara never
welshed on a deal in his life.

All right, Mr. O'Hara.

What do you want?

For my first wish,
I'd like a new pair of specs.

Horned rims with gold screws.

One pair of spectacles coming up.

That's wonderful.

Say, you're pretty.

Good-looking wife you got there,
little fella.

Get on with it, will you?
It's hot in here.

Spunky little fella, isn't he?

For my second wish...

I'd like a new set of duds
with a purple waistcoat.

Got you, Mr. O'Hara.

- How do you do that?
- What?

Wiggle your nose like that. Real cute.

It's a trade secret.
You have one wish left.

I'd like a Shetland pony.

A Shetland pony?

Aren't you a little old for that?

Sam, don't try to psychoanalyze him.
Just give him his pony.

Ever since I was a little kid...

I wanted a Shetland pony,
more than anything else in the world.

And when I didn't get it,
I felt shunned by my fellow man.

I became a pitiful outcast.

Just because I didn't get my pony,
I was a mess.

Sam, give him his pony!

I certainly like the way you do that.

If you look in the driveway
you'll find your third wish.

If someone would have done that
for me when I was a little boy...

it would've saved a wasted life.

Wait until I tell the boys down
at the mission house.

Well, you gave me my three wishes.

Here's your husband.

Just like that?

Don't you wanna know
where all the things came from?

Why should I?
I look upon these things as gifts.

Now, you don't ask
where a gift comes from...

now, do you, little fella?

I... I suppose not.

Well, bye-bye, Mrs. Leprechaun.

Goodbye, Mr. O'Hara, and good luck.

Before I go, I'd like to say one thing.

What's that?

You two make a very cute couple.

- There, that's better.
- Know something, Sam?

For the first time, I feel very small.

It takes a big man
to admit his mistakes, sweetheart.

That drunk was right. The truth is...

if anyone else gave you
a wedding present...

I wouldn't ask how they got it
or if it was hot or...

Sam, I'd like to say
I'm sorry to Endora.

- Can you call her?
- As a matter of fact, she's here.

She's been helping me
search the house for you.

Mother!

Mother?

- Figures.
- Mother!

Mother!

You didn't have to shout, Samantha.

- I'm not deaf.
- Where were you?

If you hadn't shouted,
I would've come right away.

Mother, Darrin has something
to say to you.

Oh, my, my!

I did quite a job on him, didn't I?

May I say something?

Of course, this wouldn't
have happened...

if he wasn't so bigoted
and unreasonable.

- Look, if you don't listen to me, I'll...
- Yes, what will you do?

Punch me in the knee?

Endora, sometimes you're impossible.

I just wanted to say,
"I'm sorry. I was wrong."

Why on earth didn't you
say that before?

Thank you, Mother.

Nice to have you back
with the grownups, sweetheart.

Nice to be back.

Mother, now that Darrin
has apologized...

I think that you
owe him an apology.

Oh, very well.

I regret my slight transgression
of the other day...

but only because
my daughter insists.

- That's an apology?
- For Mother it is.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to India...

to meditate with a guru.

"I regret my slight transgression
of the other day..."

Darrin. Darrin, please.

Don't worry about her.

Just remember,
in the words of Frank O'Hara...

we make a very cute couple.