Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 4, Episode 4 - Double, Double, Toil and Trouble - full transcript

Huh?

What are you doing?

I'm waiting to see the queen.

And who gave you
permission to wait up here?

Oh, it's much too
noisy down there.

I have to have it quiet
when I'm practicing.

Would you like to
hear the witch's anthem

I've been working on?

No!

I'll be glad to.

♪ Off we go Into the
wild black yonder ♪



♪ Witches all, all in
a row Up in the sky ♪

Say, what do you
think of it so far?

That happens to be a direct
steal from the Air Corps song.

Really.

And where do you
think they got it?

Sam!

Something's up.

And I think it's Darrin.

What is that hippie
doing upstairs?

For your information,

that is the proper dress
of a 17th-century minstrel.

Hm.

Get rid of this mob.

But we're not finished.



Are you still planning to work

on the church bazaar tomorrow?

Of course. Then you're
gonna need your sleep.

Tell them to come
back some other time.

Are you gonna tell them
to clear out, or am I?

You better let me do it.

There's been enough grumbling

about you interfering
with the queen's business.

It might turn into a roar.

Yeah? Well, vice versa!

Shh!

I'm terribly sorry,
but I'm afraid

I'm going to have to dissolve
our session for this evening.

I will see you all

at the earliest
possible convenience.

At least your being
queen has some benefit.

Honey!

Honey?

It isn't Samantha. It's Dumbo.

Who?

Her husband. If we
could only get rid of him.

Oh! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I've just had a perfectly
marvelous, evil idea.

And? And? Oh, tell us, tell us.

Please! ENDORA:
Come here. Come...

Oh, what is it? What is it?

I have something
marvelous to tell you.

Honey...

You're not still sore
about last night, are you?

Well, I am the queen

and I do have a
responsibility to my subjects.

Oh, sure, but...

And we did have an agreement.

I think agreements
should be honored.

You are sore.

Will it help if I say I'm sorry?

I am not sore.

And, yes, it'll help.

I'm sorry.

Mm... Are you sure
you have to go?

Of course.

The bazaar opens tomorrow,

and there's loads of work to
be done down at the church.

I'm gonna be awful bored
around here with nothing to do.

Fix the railing on the gazebo.

That'll keep you busy.

What? On my day off?

Serena.

Serena.

Has dear cousin Samantha gone?

She's just left.

Now it's time to get to work.

Oh, this is going to be a ball.

I'll bet it'll be more fun

than the time I joined the Navy.

Serena, we are
not here to have fun.

You're here to do a
job. Remember that.

Yes, but I always manage

to combine business
with pleasure.

Shall we go?

Oh, just a few small details.

Ah!

It's just perfect.

That's funny.

Mrs. Stephens
drove away in her car

and came back without it.

So what?

If you ask me, there's something

mighty peculiar
going on around here.

You're right.

So why don't you
stop going around?

Hi, honey. What happened?

There were so many
volunteers down at the church,

we were just getting
in each other's way.

They asked me to come
back tomorrow instead.

Sorry you weren't needed,

but, boy, am I glad
to have you back.

Come here and give us a kiss.

If you want a kiss,
come and get it.

Okay.

Now, listen... Oh, ha, ha.

What's the big idea?

Have you flipped?
What's gotten into you?

Nothing.

I just didn't feel
like being pawed.

Well, the next time
you feel that way,

a simple "leave
me alone" will do.

You're still sore, aren't you?

Well, why shouldn't I be?

You humiliated me
in front of my subjects.

I apologize!

Big deal.

I'll get it.

Oops. Sorry.

I wonder if I could
borrow a cup...

Uh, did you... lose something?

Not yet, but I'm about to.

Sugar? Uh... yeah.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Stephens,
I just wondered,

what happened to your car?

Well, I have a
question for you too.

What happened to your shoes?

One cup of sugar, coming up.

Did...? Did you see that?

See what?

How am I doing?

Oh, splendidly. Just splendidly.

But don't go overboard.

Samantha's going
to be away all day.

We have plenty of time, Serena.

Right-o.

I happened to look out my
window when she drove away,

and I happened to be...

Here you are, Mrs. Kravitz.

You're not going to
leave without your shoes?

Ha, ha! Oh, did you
see the look on her face?

Was that a riot?

If you think that was
a riot, listen to this...

Oh, just a minute.

Sam, what is this?

What happened?

What about the basis
for our marriage?

No witchcraft under
any circumstances?

I never should have
let you become queen.

But that's just the point.

I am the queen.

And it's made me
realize how tired I am

of this whole mortal charade.

Tired of toeing
the line. Your line.

Tired of jumping
every time you bark.

I can't believe my ears.

That's because you hear
only what you want to hear,

see only what you want to
see, like all other human beings.

Now, if you had any
vision, you would realize

that you've taken
a wild, free spirit...

A spirit that was born to
ride the wings of the wind.

And penned me up in this
dreary, four-walled cage!

And furthermore, y... Oh.

Oh!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

What do you think you're doing?

What's wrong?

Didn't I tell you
not to overdo it?

Was I?

Were you?

Serena, if we'd wanted
Sarah Bernhardt,

we'd have sent for her.

Now, you take it easy.

Furthermore, what?

I refuse to discuss
it any further

until you have cooled off.

Till I cool off?

Oops! Oh!

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

This is fun, isn't it?

Somebody's idea of
fun is not necessarily

somebody else's idea of fun.

I beg your pardon?

It's a little late for that now.

Right in here, Larry.

Sit down, Larry.

What I want to talk
to you about is, um...

You've been married
a lot longer than I have.

That is an unimpeachable fact.

And I have the
gray hairs to prove it.

Having a little problem
with Samantha?

How did you know?

Intuition.

Something wrong?

Well, for one thing, she's
not as affectionate as usual.

How long have you been married?

Almost four years.

Uh-huh.

Darrin, let me
explain something.

Women begin marriage
in an atmosphere

of compliance and willingness.

They cater to a man, make
concessions to him, et cetera.

But slowly the bloom fades,

and their patience
begins to wear thin.

So?

So you've had four good years.

What more do you want?

Is that all I get?

Right.

Now you move into the stage
where she thinks she's a queen.

Boy, have you hit
the nail on the head.

But that's par for the course.

Darrin, you don't have
any problem, believe me.

Larry... will you do me a favor?

Will you talk to her?

See if you can find out
what's bothering her.

All right, but I really don't
think you have a problem.

Thanks, Larry.

Uh, Samantha!

What is it?

Uh, would, uh, you come
here for a minute, honey?

Uh, look who's here!

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

Uh, you keep Larry,
uh, company while I...

You're looking lovely, as usual.

How...? How are you, Sam?

Fine.

Is, uh, everything going okay?

Everything's going perfectly.

Have I ever told you

that I'm just wild
about gray hair?

No, as a matter of fact...

I mean, you...? You are?

I earned every one of
them myself, you know.

Oh. Ha!

I'm simply crazy about
your sense of humor.

Well, it's, uh...

Tell me, is everything
okay between you and...

Darrin?

Who?

Your husband.

Are your eyes...
hazel... or gray, Harry?

It's Larry... and lay off him!

Why?

He's cute.

He's not your
assignment, Serena.

Oh, Endora, I
never have any fun.

What were you saying?

Oh!

My eyes.

They're baby blue.

They certainly are.

Yes.

And I think I'd
better get going.

Nice to see you, Sam.

Ha, ha. No, no.

You just stay
where you are. I...

I-I know my way out.

Larry!

Did you talk to her?

Well, not much.

I mean, we talked a little.

Did you get anything out of her?

Yes.

But she didn't tell me anything.

Well, what did she say?

Darrin, I think you've got

a little problem on your hands.

Sam.

Yes?

I'm nice and cool, now.

Let's have that little talk.

About what?

This, um... This thing
that's come over you.

Could you be under a
spell, by any chance?

Uh, maybe your
mother, uh, you know...

That's what you'd
like to believe, isn't it?

Anything but face the truth.

Okay, Sam. What is the truth?

That I'm tired of all your
silly little mortal games.

That I am a witch and a queen.

And from now on,
I'm going to act like it.

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

I'm convening the royal court.

Uh... Sam...

Sam! You can't do
this in broad daylight!

We agreed!

Mortal agreements are not
binding under witches' law.

These are my people,
and I am their queen.

Well, this is my house,
and I am the king.

Well, it's been nice
knowing you too.

I hope he's gone for good!

Ha! Yay!

♪ Off we go Into the
wild black yonder ♪

♪ Witches all All in a row ♪

Stop the music!

♪ Up in the sky... ♪

Stop the music.

Why are you celebrating?

He didn't take his clothes.

We still have work to do.

Endora. Really.

And don't worry, I'll
replace the cup of sugar,

even though you
made me spill it.

What? As a matter of fact,

it'll be ready for you
when you get home. But...

Because I certainly
don't wanna be

under any obligation to you.

Sam!

Come here!

Oh, are you back?

You bet I am!

Serena, it's getting late.

It's time to play
our trump card.

All right. Here I go.

And we're gonna sit
right down and talk this...

What are you
doing in that outfit?

I'm going out to
do some shopping.

You are not.

Why not?

People will stare.
You'll attract attention.

So what?

Other men don't think
I'm so bad to look at.

But... But...

You just better get used to it.

Because I am through
with this dull life.

Dull?

Yes. Dull, dull, dull.

I'm sick of simmering
like a watched pot.

I wanna get out and boil.

Sam, listen to me,
you can't do this.

You're a wife and mother!

Oh.

Oh, you want me to dress

like a typical, mortal
housewife and mother?

Mm-hm.

Okay.

Now can I go shopping?

No! Will you... I'll get it. No!

Don't you dare.

Y-y-you get!

Go on! Before somebody
sees you looking like that.

Hi, Mr. Stephens.

Gladys called me from the bazaar

and asked me to bring this over.

You didn't have to do that.

That's what you think.

For some crazy reason,

Gladys told Mrs. Stephens
this would be waiting for her

when she got home
from the bazaar.

When Mrs. Stephens
got home from the bazaar?

Look, take my
advice. Stay out of it.

Personally, I think
the world of your wife.

Nice manners. A fine lady.

And if you don't
mind my saying so,

one of the best-looking
women I ever... Hi.

Mrs. Stephens
isn't feeling too well.

Neither am I.

Excuse me.

Ha, ha!

He looked like
he'd seen a ghost.

Even a ghost would look
better than you do right now.

Excuse me, I have to,
uh, talk to Mr. Kravitz.

Oh, ho, ho!

♪ Oh, I feel pretty
Oh, so pretty ♪

When did you say
your wife called?

About five minutes ago.

And she said she wanted
you to bring the sugar over

before my wife got
home from the bazaar?

You see what I
have to put up with.

Your wife isn't even
down at the bazaar.

I wouldn't be too quick
to criticize Mrs. Kravitz.

It's finally
beginning to sink in.

You see, she was
telling the truth.

How could she be?

Your wife is right
there in the house.

I just knew that it
couldn't be my wife.

Are you feeling all right?

I'm gonna feel fine as
soon as I give a certain party

a little of her own medicine.

Oh, yeah? It wouldn't
hurt to take some yourself.

I'll see you.

You were magnificent, Serena.

Oh, thank you.

I do think we've
got him on the run.

Any minute, we should
hear him slamming out,

suitcases in hand.

Serena.

Oh, are you gonna get it.

Samantha.

I hope we're not going
to have another talk.

I think this is
going to be a final...

Oh, no! It's Samantha!

Let's get out of here.

No!

I've planned for
this contingency.

We'll simply say that we
were testing Dumbo's love.

Oh. That's good.

Sam!

Sam?

Phew!

Sam, where are you?

Right here!

Will you stop playing games...

Well... I'm glad to see
you got yourself cleaned up.

Well, it was pretty dirty work.

You can say that again.

Come here. Ooh.

Let's stop simmering
and start boiling.

Uh, uh, uh...
You...? You all right?

Mm-hm.

Ow!

What's the idea?

What's a friendly little pat
between a husband and wife?

From now on, I'm
locking the liquor cabinet.

What's in the box?

Your favorite pie.

And I've a good mind
not to give you any.

Lemon meringue pie?

Leave it alone, sweetheart.

This is like an
answer to a prayer.

It'll spoil your appetite.

No, it won't.

But it might spoil yours.

What's that?

Where?

There.

I hope that teaches you
a lesson you never forget.

Darrin, I am going to
give you three seconds

to explain this lunacy,

and then I am going
to let you have it.

One, two, three.

Well, how is it? Good as usual?

Delicious.

Now, let's play fair and
let me have another one.

Gladly.

Oh! Oh, Darrin, please don't!

Oh, please. Darrin, I'm...

What is all this about?

As if you didn't know, you...

Wait, listen! Ahh!

Does it have anything
to do with Mother?

But it must have!

Why are you taking
it out on me? Mother!

Oh.

Uh, sorry, Endora.

I meant that for Serena.

Who, uh, me?

You mean, you're really...?

And she...?

Oh, Sam. Sam...

you probably
thought I'd flipped.

Has she been here all day?

Mm-hm.

Pretending to be me?

Mm-hm.

Samantha, darling, it
was all your mother's idea.

Sam, what can I say?

There's nothing to say.

Just get some spoons.

How do you like that, Serena?

Not bad.

Oh! Mm.

She's right. It is tasty.