Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 4, Episode 33 - Splitsville - full transcript

Sam, I'm exhausted.
Turn out the lights and come to bed.

Right this minute, sweetheart.

As soon as I open the window
for some fresh air.

Sweetheart, come here and look.

Come here and look at what?

Mrs. Kravitz is outside in her
nightclothes trying to hitchhike.

Come to bed.

Doesn't that strike you as unusual?

Not for Mrs. Kravitz.
Besides, you shouldn't get involved.

Oh, sweetheart, please.

Look at her waiting out there.
She looks so forlorn.



Sweetheart, she's our neighbour.

The least we can do is find out
what her problem is, isn't it?

- No.
- Why not?

I've learned from experience...

when you set out to do the least you
can do, you wind up doing the most.

You wanna give me that once more?
And try it in English.

In two words: butt out.

Sweetheart, you're a cruel heart.

Mrs. Kravitz?

Mrs. Kravitz...

I don't mean to be a busybody,
but what are you doing?

I'm doing something
I've always wanted to do.

I'm deserting my husband.

Just like that?
In the middle of the night?



Yep. After 22 years of marriage,
I've had it.

- Where are you going?
- Tonight, to a hotel.

Tomorrow, to Mexico
for a quickie divorce.

I wanted to phone for a taxi,
but Abner wouldn't let me.

Because he loves you
and needs you.

Because it's a toll call.

Sam, come on inside.
You'll catch pneumonia.

Mrs. Kravitz, wouldn't it be simpler
if you spent the night...

in our guest room?

Gee, I don't know.

Strange things seem
to happen over there.

Well, you can always look
at it as any port in a storm.

Yeah, that's true.

Okay. Thanks.

Sweetheart, Mrs. Kravitz is going
to spend the night with us.

Wonderful.

- More coffee, sweetheart?
- Thank you, honey.

Is Grandma Endora coming?

Not that I know of.

Our company is our neighbour,
Mrs. Kravitz.

How long is she gonna be
our company?

Until after breakfast.
Just until after breakfast.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mrs. Kravitz.

Hello, Mrs. Kravitz.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Mrs. Kravitz, did you lie awake
all night tossing and turning?

I should say not. I slept like a top.

Not listening to Abner snore was
a refreshing change of pace.

- Orange juice?
- Yes, don't you like it?

Well, I generally start
with a tall glass of wheat-germ oil.

Sorry, we don't carry it.

Proper nutrition is the key to vitality.

- Of course.
- The human body...

can take just so much abuse.

Each of us owes it to his system...

to nourish it as nature intended.

I've told that to Abner
every morning of our married life.

I say, "Abner, you're not trying
to maintain a garbage dump.

You are trying to maintain
a human body."

I say, "One of these days, that body
will strike back at you."

And do you know what he does?

- What does he do?
- He hides behind his newspaper...

as if I was a nag.

Time to go to work.

Bye, honey.
Goodbye, little honey.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Goodbye, Mrs. Kravitz.

- Have a nice flight.
- Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Darrin, Darrin.
- Sam, I know I didn't...

finish my breakfast,
but I just had to get out of there.

You could have thought
of a better exit line than:

- "Goodbye. Have a nice flight."
- What's wrong with that?

- That's inviting her to leave.
- That's just what I had in mind.

Do you want her to leave
her husband?

I want her to leave our house.

If she wants to leave her husband,
that's her business.

But she doesn't want
to leave her husband.

I'll bet that deep down,
they're very much in love.

It's merely a matter of bringing
them to their senses.

Fine, you do that.

All I ask is that you do it
before I get home tonight.

Hello, Abner? This is Gladys.

Gladys Kravitz...

soon to assume my maiden name
of Gruber.

I'm across the street
at Mr. and Mrs. Stephens'.

At 5:00 this afternoon.

I just called to tell you
that I want the house...

the car and the bank account.

You can keep the mining stock.

Well, you never know
when they might find something.

And if they find something,
I want that too.

Yes, that's all I've got to say.

What have you got to say?

Well, as they say in Mexico, adi?s.

Did he plead with you
to come back?

No. He said, "Happy landing."

Well, at least that's a start.

Hi, Mr. Kravitz.

- What's new?
- Not much, Mr. Stephens.

- What's new with you?
- I hate to think.

Sam?

Sam?

Hi there, sweetheart. How are you?

Hungry. What's for dinner?

Alfalfa soup...

organic vegetable loaf
and kumquat pudding.

Does that menu mean
what I think it means?

- What's that?
- That Mrs. Kravitz...

is still our houseguest.

That's what I thought you meant
you thought it meant.

Oh, yes, yes, she's still here.

And to show her gratitude
for our hospitality...

she surprised me
by cooking dinner.

Well, I'll surprise her by taking
my wife and daughter out for pizza.

- Get your coat.
- Oh, honey, you can't do that.

- It'll hurt her feelings.
- Better her feelings than my stomach.

Why didn't she go to Mexico?

I...

I talked her out of it.

Congratulations.

Well, honey, we were just giving
Mr. Kravitz time to get lonesome.

I just saw Mr. Kravitz
mowing his lawn.

He didn't look lonesome to me.

Well, just wait. Just wait.

- He'll weaken tonight.
- And if he doesn't?

- We'll go over and weaken him?
- You'll go over and weaken him.

I'm staying neutral.

Well, how did you enjoy
your dinner, Mr. Stephens?

Oh, it...

It was highly original.

Well, I tried to strike a perfect balance
between proteins and minerals.

And you succeeded admirably.

I find that organic vegetable loaf and
kumquat pudding are very compatible.

Samantha, aren't you supposed
to visit one of our neighbours?

- What?
- One of our neighbours.

Oh, yes, of course. I promised
Mrs. Rich that I'd run over...

and look at her new dining room
table. I'll be back in a minute.

I regard the human body
as a furnace.

And I regard food
as what we stoke it with.

Okay, you've got the big action.
What are you holding?

I'm not holding anything.
I've got them.

Whoever heard of getting
a straight like that?

- I never seen anything like it.
- Who could that be?

- Hi.
- Good evening, Mr. Kravitz.

I came to talk to you...

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you'd be alone and lonely.

May I present
my poker-playing associates.

Charlie, Fred, Al and Dave.

- How do you do?
- I'm pleased to be enchanted.

Hello, blondie.
You're just what this party needs.

A little female pulchritude.

- How do you do?
- Yes.

Hey, Abner, you devil, you.

Hey, listen, she's a lot cuter
than Gladys.

Yeah, you're cuter than Gladys.

I didn't come here to play poker.

I came to reunite you
with the woman you love.

You're wasting your time.
Sophia Loren doesn't want him.

Gentlemen, in my opinion,
the disintegration of a marriage...

is no laughing matter.

All right, men. Hold the laughter.

Mr. Kravitz, do you honestly believe
that after 22 years you can get along...

- without your wife?
- I'm not sure...

but I plan to give it
a tremendous effort.

You'll fail. Look at this room.
In one day, look what a mess it is.

- I know. Not a health food in sight.
- Well, that's true.

- Just cold cuts and beer.
- Oh, may I fix your loveliness...

a pastrami sandwich?

No, thank you. Mr. Kravitz,
I'm very disappointed in you.

Why? I'm winning.

You're hopeless. Good night.

- Good night.
- The beauty parade is over.

- All right, let's gear them up.
- What? You call the game.

Well, did you weaken him?

Not exactly.

Well, you'd better do
something fast...

because if your houseguest
doesn't get out of here soon...

- your husband will.
- Oh, I'm glad you're back.

I made us a special treat.

What are they? Organic meatballs?

They're soybean brownies.

Oh, goody.

Daddy, is Mrs. Kravitz
still our company?

Yes, dear. Mrs. Kravitz
is still our company.

Good morning.

I'm taking
my Saturday morning facial.

Is that wheat-germ oil?

Yes.

- Eat your breakfast, Tabatha.
- I'm all finished.

Well, then, all right, sweetheart.
You run on out and play.

I'll drink this in two minutes,
after my skin loosens.

When did you get
the wheat-germ oil?

- Yesterday. Do you want some?
- No, thanks.

How much did you buy,
enough to last for six months?

Oh, now, sweetheart,
don't be sarcastic.

I have decided that Mrs. Kravitz is
going back to her husband today.

- You've decided?
- Yeah, because somehow...

I get the idea that she's
beginning to bug you.

Somehow, I'm glad you noticed.

Of course, to solve the problem,
I'll have to use a little...

Witchcraft?

It would be expedient.

Sam, why is it that all of your goofs
have to be solved by witchcraft?

What's wrong with a little ingenuity,
a little mortal logic?

I'd even settle
for a little female sneakiness.

All those things take time.

I don't care.
The rule of this household is...

that voodoo is forbidden.

This is my mud pack.
It opens up my pores.

And she is the exception
that makes that rule a rule.

You're saying that now it's all right
for me to use voodoo?

- Sam, we're desperate.
- Okay.

- What are you gonna do?
- I thought I'd try the old...

jealousy approach.

To make her jealous of him,
or him jealous of her?

Him of her, so that he'd come
and beg her for another chance.

I see. Have you selected
your poor innocent victim yet?

Mr. Leon Hogersdorf.
Your friendly neighbourhood butcher.

Mrs. Kravitz once told me she thought
he looked like Henry Fonda.

So I'll make him
"fond-a" Mrs. Kravitz.

Do you have to go
to the butcher shop?

No. No, no,
I can do it long-distance.

Leon Hogersdorf
Forget your habits

Find your dream girl
In Gladys Kravitz

Oh, Mr. Hogersdorf,
add 2 pounds of hamburger.

That's six nice lamb chops
and 2 pounds...

Harry, will you take
Mrs. Kelly's order? I have to leave.

Did it work?

I hope so.

- How fast will he get here?
- As fast as he can drive.

Well, here he is.

I thought you said he looked
like Henry Fonda.

I said Mrs. Kravitz thought
he looked like Henry Fonda.

Up until yesterday, she thought
Abner looked like Cary Grant.

Say, I wonder who that could be.

Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, Mr. Hogersdorf.
What a pleasant surprise.

Is Mrs. Kravitz here?

As a matter of fact, she is.

For some strange reason,
I just have to see her.

Mrs. Kravitz, look who's here.

Since when do you deliver?

I don't.

I mean, I don't deliver meat,
but I do deliver flowers.

They're beautiful.

- What are they?
- I don't know. The florist didn't tell me.

When did I go to the florist?

Mr. Hogersdorf, you remember
my husband, don't you?

- Oh, sure. Nice to see you.
- Likewise.

My butcher who looks like
Henry Fonda brought me flowers.

I see.

- How come?
- Because I...

Because I... That's a good question.

Because I heard you
and your husband have separated...

and I hoped flowers might soothe
the difficult period of transition.

Why am I talking so formal?

I don't know,
but I like the way it sounds.

I also had the selfish motive
of wanting to be first in line.

First in line for what?

For when you are ready
to begin dating other men.

My butcher wants to date me.

I heard.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll put these in my boudoir.

- Is it hot in here?
- No, I don't think so.

Oh, I must be coming down
with Asiatic flu.

Doing great, honey. But how
does this make Mr. Kravitz jealous...

- if he isn't here?
- Oh, he'll be here.

- Mr. Hogersdorf, are you all right?
- I don't think so.

Excuse me.

May I please have a six-pack
of cold beer?

I beg your pardon?

That's funny, I thought I was
going to the liquor store.

Him too?

Well, as long as you're here,
come on in.

- Hello, Gladys.
- You're too late.

Mr. Abner Kravitz, have you met
Mr. Leon Hogersdorf?

Sure. I've spent many happy hours
haggling with him.

Kravitz, you might as well know now,
I'm madly in love with your wife.

- Who said that?
- You did.

You must be kidding.

I've been in love with her since the
first day she walked into my shop...

- asking if my chickens were healthy.
- How come you never told me?

- I knew you were married.
- She still is.

Come on, Mr. Kravitz,
stand up for your rights.

- Who, me?
- Say that Mrs. Kravitz belongs to you.

She always has
and she always will.

Well, wait a minute.
Let's not be hasty.

Mr. Kravitz, aren't you jealous?

Yes. But I'll get over it.

I bear no hard feelings
for your total ingratitude.

My ingratitude? For what?

For all that I've done for you,
for the 22 years of sacrifice.

You talk about sacrifice?
You don't know what sacrifice is.

Why do you think I put up
my hair in curlers...

and do beauty angles
and take facials and do exercises?

Because you like to torment me.

Wrong. To make myself
attractive to you.

Oh, I admit I might be fighting
a losing battle, but at least I try.

Just like I try to take care of you.

I regard the human body as a furnace,
and I regard the food that you put in...

Mrs. Kravitz, aren't you digressing?

Isn't the point you're making
that your motive is love?

Yes.

At least, it used to be.

Still is, isn't it?

Is it, Gladys?

Why? What difference
would it make?

I'll show you after you tell me.

Is your motive still love?

Yes. It's combined
with a little hatred...

but yes.

Okay, fella, get out of here
before my wife and I decide...

to buy our chickens elsewhere.

I hope you get over me.

Shall we go home, my darling?

Anything you say, honeybunch.

I'll pick up my things later.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Kravitz, Mr. Kravitz.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Nice going. For a while,
I thought you struck out.

So did I. Because the only spell
I put on Mr. Kravitz...

was to get him to come over here.

Then everything he and
Mrs. Kravitz said...

- was unassisted?
- Straight from their hearts.

- You know what that proves?
- What?

It proves that the only thing stronger
than witchcraft...

- is love.
- I know.

I know. I'd stake my marriage on it.