Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 4, Episode 20 - If They Never Met - full transcript

Mother?

Mother, I know
you're here somewhere.

What are you up to?

Good morning, dear.

Where is my darling little Tabatha?

You know, she simply adores
her grandmama.

Well, I don't.

Mother, I am furious with you.

Oh, what on earth for?

Where is the little angel?

She is out playing in the yard.



Now, don't you be devious.

I know you put a spell on Darrin.

It was just a harmless little touch
of revenge.

I would hardly call burying Darrin
under a ton of shaving cream...

a harmless little touch of revenge.

He looked like a walking snowman.

Wasn't it amusing?

Darrin is not laughing.

Well, he deserved it.

He behaved very churlishly
towards me last night...

just because I brought Tabatha
a little gift.

A unicorn is not a little gift.

You know I meant well.

Besides, Tabatha would have been
the only little girl...



on the block with a unicorn.

Mother, you have
a depraved sense of humour.

- Thank you.
- Sam, I'm leaving.

Why don't you just take
a few minutes...

- and have some breakfast?
- I'm late already...

thanks to your mother's
weird sense of humour.

Darrin, maybe you're wrong
to blame Mother.

I mean, they could've all been
just accidents.

The shaving cream
could've been overheated...

and you just could've squeezed
the toothpaste too hard.

And that chicken could've been
waiting for a bus.

Do me a favour, will you?

Tell that old bat to get off my back.

Sam, I can't take any more.

She'd better quit...

or I'm going to do
something desperate.

Mother?

Hey, Mom.

What is it, lambykins?

I heard the door slam.

Is Durwood having one
of his temper tantrums again?

No, no. It's more like
a nervous breakdown.

He called me an old bat.

Now, that's not very nice.

Mother, he had every right.

You've been mean and spiteful.

Indeed. And he's acting like a child.

As a matter of fact...

maybe he ought to look like one.

Sam?

Sam.

Oh, Mother, you put him back
in his own car this minute.

Oh, all right.

You're just lucky I'm late.

Mother, I think
you're being childish.

Now, these little tricks
are unworthy of you.

Really?

Wait till you hear
what's in his attach? case.

- What?
- A cobra.

- What?
- Defanged, of course.

Just for the shock value.

Mother, I want you to call off
this vendetta right now.

Promise me.

I promise.

Witch's honour.

Witch's honour.

I promise not to
bother dum-dum anymore.

Good. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some housework to do.

If you'll excuse me,
I'd rather not watch.

Good.

Samantha?

Samantha!

What are you doing home so early?
It's only 10:30.

Why don't you ask your mother?

Mother? What did she do?

I'll tell you what she did.

She lost us one of the biggest
new accounts we've had in years.

Prune Valley Retirement Village.

Prune Valley?

Right. I walked into
the conference room.

I stood at the head of the table.

I greeted Mr. Leroy Wendell,
the client, and his associates.

I opened my briefcase...

and nine people fainted,
including me.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, what did Larry say?

Just two words, "You're fired."

Oh, Darrin, Mother promised
she wouldn't.

Well, I've got news for you.

When it comes to your mother's
promises, there's a big credibility gap!

Darrin, you're shouting at me.

Why shouldn't I be shouting at you?

Because you shouldn't take my
mother's lack of credibility out on me.

Why not?
You two hang together, don't you?

"Hang together"?

Just what do you mean by that?

Well, you know what I mean.

When we get down to the nitty-gritty,
we know where your sympathies lie.

- Broomsticks are thicker than water.
- Darrin!

It's been that way
since we got married.

You and her against me,
and I'm the one who suffers.

You know what I think you've got?

A persecution complex.

Well, who has a better right?

Maybe you'd be happier
if you'd never met me.

- Is that what you're trying to say?
- You said it, I didn't.

What do you mean by that?

Make of it anything you want.

Oh, Darrin.

Darrin?

Where are you?

What's happening?

Morning, darling.

What did you do with Darrin?

I was just being a good mother-in-law,
I gave him what he wanted.

- What?
- He said he'd be happier...

if he'd never met you.

He didn't say it. I said it.

Who cares who said it?
I arranged it.

- Where is he?
- Right where he would be...

if he'd never met you.

Mother, you bring him back
right this instant.

Now, just wait a minute.
Let's not be hasty.

He may be a good deal happier
where he is now.

- He loves me, Mother.
- Are you sure?

After all we've put him through
these past few years.

Let me refresh your memory.

How many normal red-blooded
American husbands...

have been changed
into a monkey...

and a penguin and a wart hog.

Darrin was never a wart hog.

You're quite right.

It's just that I thought about it
so much.

Mother, do you know
what all this proves?

It proves that he loves me.

What man would go through all this
if he didn't?

Now, you bring him back.

You want what's best for him,
don't you?

I'm what's best for him.

Do you have the courage
to find out if that's really so?

We can very easily, you know.

We can just go
and take a little look.

All right.

Let's just do that.

But I know you're wrong.

Good. Let's go.

Where are we going, Mother?

We're crossing time, Samantha.

To the now that might have been...

if you and Durwood
had never met.

Here we are.

Don't be nervous, dear.

I'm not nervous.

Oh, really?

- Morning, Mr. Stephens.
- Morning, Joey, baby.

Bring her up around 3:00.

I... I wanna take a run out
to the boat.

Right.

There. You see,
Mother, how miserable he is?

Miserable?
He doesn't look miserable to me.

Well, it's obvious. Those clothes,
and that car. And a boat.

Well, it's simply a cover-up
for a very lonely man.

What about that big smile?

It was a lonely smile, Mother.

All right. Let's go upstairs...

and take a look at him
in the office, shall we?

Oh, my.

What's he done to his office?

Why?

I think it's very elegant.

Yes, but that's the point.
It's too elegant. It's overdone.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll say one thing.

Not knowing you hasn't hurt
his golf game any.

Look at all these beautiful cups
he's won.

Oh, sure.

Wasting his time
on a golf course.

Lonely man.

I don't know.

Have you seen these pictures?

Acapulco, San Juan, Buenos Aires.

Running away from life.

Yes, and he's still wearing that same
lonely smile in all those pictures.

I wonder how he's doing
in business.

With all his playing around
and golf and everything...

he couldn't be doing too well.

Darrin?

Quiet. Watch me sink this.

Good shot. Listen, congratulations,
you son of a gun.

We just signed up
Jonathan Broadhurst.

You know, those layouts of yours
flipped him.

Couldn't wait to put his name
on the paper.

Of course, Lar. It was in the bag.

You know, I was talking
to McMann yesterday...

and it looks like we might have
to change a few signs around here.

How does McMann, Tate
and Stephens sound?

Well, not as good as Stephens, Tate
and McMann, but I guess it's okay.

He's going to be a partner.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- No.

- Darrin?
- Hey, Sheila, come on in.

Mother, that's Sheila Sommers,
Darrin's old girlfriend.

Hello, Larry.

She doesn't look so old to me.

Well, I'll see you kids later, huh?

I've got some things to do.

He's kissing her, that dirty cheat.

He's not a cheat, Samantha.

After all, he's not married to you.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, he's a regular little kissing bug,
isn't he?

You know something, Darrin?

I don't think I can wait 10 more days
until I'm Mrs. Darrin Stephens.

They're not married yet, Mother.

We could go to Vegas.

If we catch a plane now,
we could be married today.

How romantic.

Elope? Oh, now, Darrin, we couldn't
do that to Daddy.

You know, he's already spent
so much on the wedding.

And he's invited
all his business associates...

and it's gonna be
a big tax write-off.

Daddy's all heart, isn't he?

Oh, Darrin...

about the honeymoon...

after Lisbon,
we ought to skip Majorca...

and go to the Canary Islands.

We could spend
three or four weeks there.

He only took me to Atlantic City.

I hate to bring this up, but how much
is this trip going to cost?

Now, Darrin, you promised you
weren't going to talk about money.

Daddy's taking care
of the whole thing.

It's his wedding present.

I know, but I just don't feel right.

He still doesn't know a good thing
when he sees it.

Oh, darling, I've got to be going.

But don't you be late
for that party tonight, huh?

Wonder how she'd look with that
putter wrapped around her neck.

Samantha, we're here
just as observers, you know.

You wear your white dinner jacket
with your ruffled shirt.

You look beautiful in it.

Ruffles?

Darrin?

- Okay to come in?
- Oh, come on in.

- Sheila just left.
- You know, I envy you.

Marrying a gorgeous girl
like Sheila...

whose daddy's the fourth richest
man in the country.

You gotta be the luckiest guy alive.

I guess I am.

I guess I am the luckiest man alive.

Come on. I'll buy you a drink on it.

Now, are you convinced
that Durwood is happier without you?

You heard it from his own lips.

Darrin didn't say "happy," Mother.

He said "lucky."
There's a big difference.

Oh, come now, Samantha.

The best way is a clean break.

No. No, I wanna be sure.

I'm gonna go to that party tonight.

Oh, you are a glutton
for punishment.

Darrin, at this moment I feel
very warm towards you, like a father.

- Oh, what did you have in mind?
- My money.

That's not true, Sheila.

That $28 and a half million
your father has...

never entered my mind.

Entered my dreams a lot
but never my mind.

I'll tell you one thing, Darrin is
not marrying me for my money.

As a matter of fact, I had to propose.

Oh, Mother, she's dreadful.

How can Darrin stand her?

Oh, I think they make
a lovely couple.

Friends. Friends, could I
say something?

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to
offer a toast to my daughter, Sheila...

and my future son-in-law,
Darrin Stephens.

A long and happy marriage.

And it better be long and happy
because this whole thing...

is costing me a fortune, huh?

What's so funny about that?

Now, in addition to picking up
the tab for the honeymoon...

I'm also going to give the happy
couple two oil wells in Texas...

a corner lot in the heart
of downtown Phoenix...

plus a complete set
of lightweight airplane luggage.

I wonder what the losers get.

Well, he's not the Darrin I know.

It looks like rain, Samantha.

We have a long ways to go.

Here he comes.

Oh, Mother, look at him.

I wonder what he's thinking.

What do you think
he's thinking about?

Power, money, success, income tax.

Wonder where he's going.

Well, what's the difference?

We've seen enough.

No. No, I'm going to follow him.

Samantha.

Why doesn't that girl
ever listen to her mother?

- All right?
- It's all right.

Well, look who's here.
The bridegroom himself.

- Hi.
- Hi, Mr. Stephens.

- Hi, Dave.
- Darrin, what are you doing here?

I came in for a drink. What else?

A last drink with your old buddies
before you take the fatal step, huh?

You're right.

I'll have a bourbon on the rocks.
Make it a double.

Sure thing.

Dave, can I talk to you seriously
for a minute?

Of course. If you can't talk to your
best friend, who can you talk to?

I'm happy for you, Darrin.
I'm very happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Al.

You know...

Sheila's a wonderful girl...

make a wonderful wife.

Two people.

Takes two people
to make a marriage.

And love. Love,
that's the glue that binds.

She's got a lot to offer a guy.
Her father does too.

Twenty-eight and a half
million dollars.

Give a little, take a little.
That's what makes a marriage.

Tell you the truth,
I'm not sure I love her.

The main thing is
mutual understanding and trust.

But how would I know what love is?

I mean, maybe I'm in love with her,
and I just don't know it.

But why wouldn't I know it?

I'm very happy for you, Darrin.
Very happy.

You found the greatest treasure
of them all.

Hey, I gotta go.

Al, on the tab, huh?

And, Darrin, if you wanna ever have
another little serious talk...

you just call me, huh?

Thanks, Dave.

I don't know, Al.
Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Maybe I'm looking for magic.

Well, I'd better get going.

On the house.
A little wedding present.

Thanks, Al.

Thank you.

I am sorry.

That was clumsy of me.

Oh, not at all. It was my fault.

- I wasn't looking where I was going.
- No, it was my fault.

Are you meeting someone?

Well, I'm not sure.
I may be too late.

May I buy you a drink
while you wait?

All right. Thank you.

What will you have?

Martini, please.

Al, a martini for the lady.

Well, I'm sorry I can't join you,
but I have to get back...

to a party.

But it was nice bumping into you.

Well, so long.

Put that on my tab, will you, Al?

That was very rude of me
and not to mention stupid.

This might be my last chance
to buy a drink for a beautiful girl.

Yes, I'm getting married
in a few days.

Really? You must be thrilled.

Yeah, I should be, shouldn't I?

Aren't you?

Oh, you wouldn't be interested.

Yes, I would.

I really would.

You would?

Say, haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

No, I don't think so.

It's funny.

You're sure we've never met?

I'm quite sure.

You mean you're not excited
about getting married?

Oh, I didn't say that.
Sheila's a great girl.

I mean, we've been going together
for a long time, and...

Yes?

Well, I'm just wondering if maybe
there's a reason I've been holding off.

Maybe I've been looking
for something else.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

So do I.

For the very first time, so do I.

This may sound kind of crazy...

- but will you do me a favour?
- What?

Will you sit right here
and wait for me? I'm...

I have to go, but I'll be back.

I have something
very important to do. To undo.

- Well, I don't...
- Please.

Al, don't let her out of your sight.

Please.

Don't go away.

He isn't happier without me.

Mother.

- Mother?
- I heard the whole thing.

It was sickening.

Bring him back, Mother.

Oh, it kills me to think
you're going back to this...

miserable bourgeoisie existence.

Bring him back.

All right, but I'm not
going to stay around to see it.

I mean it, Sam. There are times
I wish I never met you.

Of course, there are other times
I realize that I...

couldn't live without you, and I...

have to admit
that's most of the time.

Oh, Darrin.

Even if I lose my job
at McMann & Tate...

I still have you and Tabatha.

That's all that matters.

And there's that too.

Hey, listen to this, honey.

"Own your own business.

Sell our screen doors
direct to the public."

How do you like that?

I can be a door-to-door
door salesman.

Darrin, don't be ridiculous.

Larry's not gonna fire you
just because of one little client.

It wasn't one little client.
It was one big client.

Larry wanted that account,
and I blew it.

Oh, I'll get it.

- Oh, hi, Larry.
- Hello, Sam.

Is Darrin here?
I gotta talk to him.

Larry, I know why you're here,
and I've only got one thing to say.

Do you own a screen door?

Boy, I've gotta hand it to you.

What perception. What instinct.

Sam, this husband of yours
is something.

His tactics are a little strange,
but he's something.

You had Wendell figured
all the way.

- What do you mean?
- Yeah, what do you mean?

Well, didn't you hear the news?

It was on the radio and TV.

Leroy Wendell was indicted
in Minnesota...

on a phony real estate scheme.

Well, how do you like that?

Sure, but you sized him up right away,
didn't you, you snake in the grass?

He really fouled up the meeting.

Sent Wendell screaming
out of the office.

See, honey, I told you it would work.

One question, though.

Why didn't you let me in on it?

I knew you'd never go for it, Larry.

You know, you're right.

Sam, this husband of yours
has the guts of a riverboat gambler.

Yes, I know.

Well, I've gotta run.

I'm late for dinner,
but I just had to stop by...

and tell you in person,
you son of a gun.

- Bye, Sam.
- Good night, Larry.

So long, Larry.

There.

You see how nicely
everything turned out?

And we owe it all to Mother.

You had to say it, huh?

Well, it's true.

Well, let that be our secret.

I wanna tell you how sorry I am
that I got sore this morning...

and said all those things to you.

I can't imagine what life
would be like if I hadn't met you.

I think I'd be pretty darn miserable.

Well, that's something
we'll never know, will we?