Bewitched (1964–1972): Season 4, Episode 19 - Snob in the Grass - full transcript

That won't do any good.

I might have known.
Why did you do that?

I wanted to ask you a question.

Why, in the name of all that's witchly,
are you massaging that rug?

I'm not. I'm cleaning it.

Why go to all that trouble?

Why not just:

Isn't that a simpler way
to clean a rug?

Thanks a heap.

Hello. Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Mother.



Spoilsport.

I'm sorry, sweetheart,
I couldn't hear you.

There was a little disturbance here.

- Really? How is the old war wagon?
- Fine.

That's too bad.

Larry buzzed me and told me to cease
firing on the Webbley Food account.

It looks like I'll be home for dinner
after all.

Oh, darling, that's wonderful.
Would you like anything special?

Yeah, see if you can
get rid of your mother.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye. He's coming home.

He's coming home for dinner
for the first time this week...

and it never occurs to you...

to wonder what he's been doing
those other nights.

He's been working late
on the Webbley Food account.



They may lose it.

And you may be losing your mind
if you believe that.

I think I'll make him a pork loin.

Wouldn't it be much more fun
if you turned him into a whole pig?

No wonder there's no such thing
as Mother-in-Law's Day.

Sorry to stop you
in midstream, Darrin...

but let me give you my thinking.

With Webbley Foods, we've
already heard the death rattle, right?

So why bust a gut to save it
when we can replace it...

with newer and fresher blood?

- Namely?
- I just got an inside tip...

that the William J. Sommers
account is up for grabs.

And let's face it, we've got
the inside track there, Darrin boy.

Larry, just because I used to date
Sheila Sommers is no...

Date her? You were engaged.

Larry, you're not asking me
to use that relationship...

for business purposes, are you?

I'm not? I mean, Darrin,
you've got me all wrong.

All I'm saying is
if we get the account...

we know we can do
a superior job on it, right?

- I think so.
- There isn't an agency in town...

that's better equipped.

- I'll go along with that.
- Or more experienced.

- Right.
- So all I'm saying is...

will it hurt to give Sheila a call?

Larry, I will not use an old romance
for personal gain.

Darrin, I won't press you.

I'll just say this:

Call her.

Larry, you don't know Sheila.

She'll take this as a sign
that my marriage is buckling.

That's all she needs. She can be
awfully vindictive, you know.

So can I.

- Well...
- Good boy. Here, I'll dial it for you.

I won't know what to say to her.

Just get on the horn
and tell her it's okay for tonight.

What's okay?

When I called Sheila,
she happened to mention...

- You called her?
- How else was I gonna talk to her?

Anyway, she and her father
are gonna be at the Hearthstone...

and we're going to run into them...

invite them to join us
for a little drinky-poo.

Then we'll chin-chin
and maybe have a little din-din.

I just told Samantha
I'd be home for din-din.

- I mean, dinner.
- Well, call her up and tell her...

you'll be late.

- And make me the heavy.
- That won't be hard.

- Hello?
- Sam? Why are you out of breath?

I was just coming in
when I heard the phone ring.

Hold on a minute.

Hi. I got the most beautiful pork loin.

- Sam, I've got a problem.
- What is it this time?

Well, Larry and I are
trying to line up a new client...

and we're going to take him
to the Hearthstone for a few drinks...

and I guess I'll be stuck
for dinner too.

Well, all right, sweetheart.
Just don't work too late. Bye-bye.

Did anyone ever tell you
you have a suspicious mind?

No such thing.
I'm merely stating a fact.

Mother, the facts happen to be
that Darrin and Larry...

are taking a prospective client
to dinner.

What's her name?

Samantha, I think you're behaving
like an ostrich.

And if you'll pull your head out
of the sand, you'll see that I'm right.

Mother, you just don't understand...

the kind of relationship
that Darrin and I have.

It's a love that is based
on mutual trust.

And when you have that,
you don't get upset...

because your husband's
working late.

Really? We'll see.

They're not showing. Let's call it off.

- Be patient. Finish your drink.
- I have.

Charlie, another for my friend.

Darrin.

Sheila. Well, well.

It's marvy to see you.

Well, so am I.
I mean, you know Larry Tate.

Oh, of course. How are you, Larry?

Couldn't be better.
Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

Sheila, would you mind letting go?

Now, don't tell me
I'm embarrassing you.

Oh, no, no, but your pin's open,
and it's sticking me.

- Sorry, darling.
- Yeah.

Where...?

- I mean, who are you with?
- Nobody.

I'm all yours. Daddy was supposed
to join me, but he got hung up.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I'm hung up too.

That is, I will be if I don't get home.

- I mean, get going.
- Larry.

- Have fun, you two.
- Let me look at you.

- You know, you haven't changed a bit.
- Neither have you.

Does that mean there's still that
same old feeling you used to have?

My stomach?
No, that's all cleared up now.

Oh, good, our table's ready.

Wasn't that darling of Larry
to get lost?

Yes. Yes, he's a regular sweetheart.

For the last time, no. No, no.

I will not pop into that restaurant.

- Afraid of what you'll find?
- Absolutely not.

Then why won't you go?

Because it would be the act
of a desperate woman...

which I do not happen to be,
no matter what you say.

It would also be low,
deceitful and unworthy.

Very well, if that's the way you feel.

- Definitely.
- In that case...

your low, deceitful
and unworthy mother...

- will have to do it for you.
- Mother, don't you interfere.

That's like telling an elephant
not to forget.

Food should be here soon. Sure
is great, running into you this way.

Oh, come on. Now,
you know Larry cooked it up.

Sure is great,
the way Larry cooked it up.

Don't worry about getting together
with my father.

I'm having a dinner party
tomorrow night.

- You can see him then, okay?
- Sure. We'd love to come.

- You wanna bring your wife?
- Yes, unless...

Oh, no, no.
By all means, bring her.

What did you say her name
was again? Samovar?

- Samantha.
- I knew it was something odd.

But it seems to fit her.
She really is...

quaint.

I wonder where our dinner is.

Oh, I see. It makes you
feel uncomfortable...

to talk about your wife, doesn't it?

How long have you been married?

- Four years.
- Oh, you poor thing.

Let's talk about
something more cheerful.

Oh, guess who finally got married.
Shorty Richards.

- No kidding?
- Is that wild?

Yeah. Who's Shorty Richards?

Remember, he was always falling
off his elevator shoes.

Oh, little Shorty Richards.
He had the beautiful cabin cruiser.

And remember
when we borrowed it...

and went aground in Satucket
for a weekend?

We were marooned for two days.

If the food doesn't get here pretty
soon, I'm going to lose my appetite.

Here it comes.

Darrin, why don't we see each other
more often?

Well, because... Sheila, I'm married.

Well, what does that have to do
with two good friends...

getting together once in a while?

What...? Watch what you...!

Good morning, sweetheart.

This has to go to the cleaner's.

I had a lot to tell you last night,
but you'd already gone to bed.

How is that sofa for sleeping?

Oh, breakfast is ready.
Looks delicious.

Any butter? If not, don't bother.

You know, if I didn't know better,
I'd think this was last night's...

But that's a great way
to economize, Sam.

Sam, no matter what your mother
told you, that was a business dinner...

and I didn't lie to you.

I just didn't want you to get
all worked up over nothing, that's all.

Sam, you're getting all worked up
over nothing.

It was all Larry's idea.

He's dying to get Sheila's father's
account to replace Webbley's account.

We were supposed to have dinner
with old man Sommers last night...

but Sheila showed up alone.

And then Larry... Well, wise guy,
he went off and left.

Well, I just called him,
and I told him what I thought of him.

And I informed him that you and I
were not going to show up...

at Sheila's dinner party tonight.

She invited us?

Yeah, so that Larry and I could
meet with old man Sommers.

Well, Darrin, I don't blame you
for being annoyed with Larry...

but do you think it's fair
to run out on him?

In spades.
I don't like the whole thing.

I'd much rather pitch my new concept
at Webbley Foods...

than subject you
to any of Sheila's little games.

Yeah... You see, Darrin,
that's just the point.

If we don't show up, that's an
admission that I'm afraid to face her.

And actually,
I think she's rather interesting.

In a creepy sort of way.

You're wrong. I don't hate her at all.

- Sam, you know that's a lie.
- It is not.

Well, but I'll admit
it's not the whole truth either.

What kind of gravy is this
so I can tell the cleaner?

Honey, you ready?

I was just trying to figure out
what to wear.

I told you what to wear.
Sheila said it was casual.

Casual.

Why is it I keep remembering...

the last time
Sheila said it was casual?

Boy, this is some
fancy-looking place.

Are you sure I'm dressed all right?

Darling, of course you are.
Sheila said it was potluck.

Very relaxed, sitting-on-the-floor
kind of stuff.

- Darrin, darling.
- Sheila.

- Is this your little bride?
- How do you do.

Oh, why, Darrin, she's sweet.

Maybe I should have dressed...

Oh, not at all, dear. You look sweet.

- John, would you Mrs. Stephens'...?
- Sweater.

I can tell you're the type
who always dresses so sensibly.

You know, the capable type.

Darrin, I bet she's good
at typing, cooking...

taking care of the household
accounts and playing golf.

You know, all those things
poor little me can't do at all.

Pity.

Won't you come in
and meet my friends?

Oh, no you don't, Sheila, my dear.

Not this time.

I think this will be casual enough.

I still think you're wrong, honey.
Sheila definitely said casual dress.

Well, that's what she said the last
time. You remember what happened.

She's not going to
embarrass me again.

- Good evening.
- Oh, good evening.

- May I take your coat?
- Thank you.

Thank you. This way, please.

- Now, remember, no:
- Witch's honour.

- Oh, that little double-crosser.
- She said casual.

She knew darn well
I'd expect her to lie.

Darrin, darling.

- And you're looking lovely, Eila.
- It's Samantha.

Oh, but I'm sure I told you
to dress casually.

- Yes, but...
- Well, we have to drop in...

at a dress-up affair
later on this evening.

That's right. We have to drop up
at a dress-in later.

Well, come and meet everybody.

You all know Darrin Stephens.

- Hi, everybody.
- Darrin, my boy, it's been too long.

Good to see you, Mr. Sommers.

And this is Darrin's
darling little wife, Samara.

Samantha.

Dick and Julia Thompson.
Ralph Martinson.

Vern and Alice Richter.
Dodie Brooks.

- Hello.
- Larry, where's Louise?

She had babysitting trouble.

But I thought your mother-in-law
was visiting.

That's the babysitter
she's having trouble with.

Larry.

- The barbecue is ready, miss.
- Oh, good.

Everyone out in the garden.

I'm putting you in my will.

Barbecue.

You don't have an extra one
of those, do you?

I hope you don't mind
roughing it like this.

Everything all right up there,
Santana?

It's Samantha.

Just fine.

- Incidentally, I love your hair.
- Thank you.

It's a much more becoming shade
than you had before.

Well, my hairdresser's a marvel.
Especially with problem hair.

Would you like his name?

Sheila, do you ever see
Rod Lamport?

Oh, well, you have been out of
circulation, poor boy. Come here.

Well, anyone who knows Rod
knew that marriage wouldn't work.

I mean, she was a nobody.

Nobody knew where she came from
or who her family was.

And after all, she just naturally
didn't fit into our group.

She wore all the wrong clothes,
said all the wrong things.

Business-wise, she was
an anchor around his neck.

You know, so many of our friends
seem to be trapped...

by that sort of woman, if you know
what I mean, and I think you do.

Oh, Sampan,
would you like anything more?

No, thank you.

To tell you the truth,
I've had just about enough.

Shall we take our after-dinner drinks
over here?

- A delicious dinner, Mr. Sommers.
- Well, I'm delighted. Thank you.

I warned you, honey,
but you insisted on coming.

- Really outdid herself, didn't she?
- I'll get our coats.

What are you talking about?
You can't do that.

We haven't talked to Sommers yet.

If you wanna talk to Sommers,
talk to him yourself.

You're the one
with the inside track.

- Come on, hon.
- Darrin, I'm not going to run.

Darrin, if you and Larry want to
talk to Daddy, now's the time.

I'll take care of Samsara.

- Samantha.
- Why not call me Sam.

It might be easier to remember.

Get a grip on yourself.

Will you let go of me?

Sorry.

Come on.

Gentlemen, sit down. Cigarette?

- No, thank you, Mr. Sommers.
- No, thanks.

Now, for heaven's sake...

let's stop talking about people
Stan doesn't know.

Poor dear.

I don't know if you're aware of it...

but Darrin here has had extensive
experience with your type of product.

He did a topnotch job for us
on Webbley Foods.

I understand they're leaving you.

Oh, no, quite the reverse.

Listen, gang...

I met the most divine white hunter
from Rhodesia at Monte's party...

and he offered to take a group of us
on safari this summer.

So if any of you wanna go,
you let me know.

Perhaps you and Darrin
might like to join us.

Well, I'm afraid we're pretty well
occupied for the summer.

Tell us what you're going to do.
Something wildly exciting, I suppose.

Oh, very. We're going to install
new plumbing in the house.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Congratulations, my dear.

You know, you have managed to turn
our carefree, impulsive Darrin...

into a real homebody.

Incidentally, did you hear...

that the club is going to open up
new memberships?

No. They wouldn't dare.

Well, they have to
raise the money somehow.

Before you know it,
they'll be letting anyone into the club.

And if they do, I'm going to resign.

I mean, what is the point of a club
if it isn't going be exclusive?

There's so little breeding
in the world today.

Is that a fly or a bee?

I think it's a fly, miss.

- No, no, it's a bee.
- A bee? Well, get it off of me.

- Just hold it, miss.
- Oh, Charles, what are you doing?

I think I got it.

Charles, you clumsy fool!
Leave me alone!

Not now, Gaylord. Go away!

All right, now, Gaylord.
Stop it. Stop it.

Shoo!

Daddy!

Daddy.

These petit fours are delicious.

I must ask Sheila
where she got them.

Yes?

Send her in, please.

- Hi there.
- Hi, honey.

Get your errands done?

- I'll be with you in a minute,
- Oh, good. I'm starving.

Oh, sweetheart,
I am sorry about last night.

Sheila deserved it.

Even if it did mean
blowing the Sommers account.

I can't figure out what happened
to that material for Webbley Foods.

Couldn't find it at home,
I can't find it here.

Hi, Sam.

You sly little fox.
Pulled a fast one, didn't you?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

He doesn't know what I'm talking
about. Isn't he something?

You know what you are?
You're irascible.

- I am? What did I do?
- What did he do?

You old conniver. You decided
not to take any chances...

and you sent your ideas
over to Webbley Foods anyway.

And are you ready?
They loved them. We're renewed.

But I didn't...

Sam, what did you do this morning?

I told you.
I had some errands to run.

I cannot tell you how happy I am
about Webbley Foods.

Do you know I had dinner alone...

three nights in a row
because of them?

I'm happy that it wasn't for nothing.

Enjoy your lunch.

You son of a gun.

- You know what you are?
- What?

Irascible. But lovable.

- What does "irascible" mean?
- I don't know.